DON'T MAKE ME OPEN A CAN OF POSITIVITY ON YOUR ASS
THERE IS NO SHIRT
INVISIBLE CARIBOU
40 CLASSIC SHIRTS
TO WOMEN FROM GOD
 HOPELESS ROMANTIC SEEKS FILTHY WHORE
DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND BUT MY DICK IS A REALLY CLOSE SECOND
WWJD FOR A KLONDIKE BAR
BAD SAMARITAN
   	 KEEPIN' I.T. REAL
CANADIANS ARE EH'HOLES
 I'M NOT A FULL BLOODED JEW - I'M jewISH
POP A SMURF
DISNEY ON ICE
FREE HUGS (WORLD CHAMPION SLUT HUGGER)
FUCKING CLASSY
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
DON'T BOTHER ME - I'M WASTING POTENTIAL
BLING-BLING
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

President Obama recently met with the Saudi king to improve our standing with the Muslims. I believe the meeting went something like this - Muslim guy: "Keep buying our oil." Obama: "Okay." Man, we are the definition of a functional relationship.

Obama also gave an exclusive in-depth tour of the White House to NBC. It was fairly interesting, but I can't believe NBC didn't have the balls to show the cage full of Obama's illegitimate kids. I know about it because three of my kids are in it.

Dick Cheney recently said there was nothing linking Iraq to 9-11. This was quite a scoop for the staff of "No Fucking Shit Magazine". Good thing Iraqi civilians are worthless or this could've been quite a black eye for him.

Archie of the Archie Comics is getting married. Good news, Archie: Dick Cheney approves of that now. You and Jughead will be very happy. It's a shame that the same day Archie announced his good news Hagar killed his wife with an axe then hung himself. And Garfield just kept sucking.

Conan O'Brien took over as host of the Tonight Show last week. Fans feared the earlier time slot would affect his sensibility, but those fears were laid to rest when Conan brought out "The Sexually Satisfied Bear Who Never Behaves Inappropriately" and "Triumph, the Dog Who Compliments Your Shoes."

Internet singing sensation Susan Boyle was recently named runner-up on Britain's Got Talent and was also hospitalized due to exhaustion. Let this be a lesson to all you ugly people: Keep your shitty, unimportant jobs. Fame is for the young and attractive.

American automaker GM recently filed for bankruptcy. Hey, I didn't know GM was a black guy. I don't even know if that makes sense, but you know my punch line rule: Racist first, funny second.


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