President Obama recently met with the Saudi king to improve our standing with the Muslims. I believe the meeting went something like this - Muslim guy: "Keep buying our oil." Obama: "Okay." Man, we are the definition of a functional relationship.
Obama also gave an exclusive in-depth tour of the White House to NBC. It was fairly interesting, but I can't believe NBC didn't have the balls to show the cage full of Obama's illegitimate kids. I know about it because three of my kids are in it.
Dick Cheney recently said there was nothing linking Iraq to 9-11. This was quite a scoop for the staff of "No Fucking Shit Magazine". Good thing Iraqi civilians are worthless or this could've been quite a black eye for him.
Archie of the Archie Comics is getting married. Good news, Archie: Dick Cheney approves of that now. You and Jughead will be very happy. It's a shame that the same day Archie announced his good news Hagar killed his wife with an axe then hung himself. And Garfield just kept sucking.
Conan O'Brien took over as host of the Tonight Show last week. Fans feared the earlier time slot would affect his sensibility, but those fears were laid to rest when Conan brought out "The Sexually Satisfied Bear Who Never Behaves Inappropriately" and "Triumph, the Dog Who Compliments Your Shoes."
Internet singing sensation Susan Boyle was recently named runner-up on Britain's Got Talent and was also hospitalized due to exhaustion. Let this be a lesson to all you ugly people: Keep your shitty, unimportant jobs. Fame is for the young and attractive.
American automaker GM recently filed for bankruptcy. Hey, I didn't know GM was a black guy. I don't even know if that makes sense, but you know my punch line rule: Racist first, funny second.
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In case the wave of regret and resentment rolling across the land didn't tip you off, wedding season is here. For some strange reason, wedding season begins a couple weeks after prom season ends. It's a real brain-buster, but I'm not here to figure that out, so I'll leave it to you.
I am here to help guide these innocent virgins (cool, my keyboard just started laughing) down the often bumpy path of matrimony. As a woman who is maintaining marriages with three different dead men for reasons I can't disclose, I feel I am perfectly suited for this. So, below is a Cosmo-style quiz to see if you are prepared to enter into this holiest (and most often disregarded) of unions.
Nearly half of all marriages end in divorce and of the ones that don't, many are unhappy but maintained for purposes of finance, religion or children. Using this information you...
A) Reconsider your relationship and wait a while longer to get married.
B) Marry anyway because your parents won't back off and she's not getting any less pregnant.
C) Tell yourself "I'll be different." A good laugh is shared by your ego and super-ego.
You're married. If you haven't done so already, you will now be moving in together. The issue of what stays and what goes is always stressful. To handle this, you...
A) Buy two homes so you can pretend you're still individuals with your own thoughts and ideas.
B) Toss everything and live in an empty house. Why should your house be different than your life?
C) Compromise. She can decorate how she wants, but you get to keep the couch that looks like your high school girlfriend and blows you whenever you want. Come on, you love that couch.
You want to wear white, but don't feel right about it after what your uncle did to you. You...
A) Wear white anyway because it's 2009 and no one gives a fuck.
B) Ask your wedding planner what color you wear when you plan on cheating early and often.
C) Write on your wedding train "I've fucked 47 guys, 8 chicks, and one of my 12-year-old students."
You want her to sign a pre-nup, but you're afraid she'll see it as a lack of commitment. You...
A) Put a gun in her mouth and say "Sign it you money-grubbing bitch."
B) Practice forging your wife's signature and get your lawyer to remove any infidelity clauses.
C) Tell her you don't want her to sign a pre-nup. Then she'll sign because all she wants is a fight. That's all they ever fucking want. Goddamn it.
You're gay and want to marry your long-time life partner but your options are limited. You...
A) Prepare to rot in Hell for all eternity you filthy, filthy degenerate.
B) Settle for a civil union. The same way you settle for butt sex. Do you people even know how good vaginas feel?
C) Move to a state where gay marriage is legal. I suggest Oklahoma or Arkansas. And make out in front of the locals. They love that shit.
A few months into the marriage you learn you are unable to conceive. You...
A) Write "fuck" on most of the pages of your appointment book and "celebrate" on remaining pages.
B) Sneak off to your wife's OB/GYN, pay him the agreed amount and thank him for a job well done.
C) Adopt a girl. She should be fuckable by the time you can no longer drink your wife attractive.
You don't get along with your new in-laws, but want to try for the sake of your marriage. You...
A) Initiate a freaky three-way with them.
B) Send them a picture of you standing behind their child with a knife and a note reading "Stay out of our lives."
C) Tell them both to fuck off. Who needs two more people you have to pretend to like anyway?
Oh no! You've forgotten your anniversary. To make up for this, you...
A) Tell your wife recognizing an arbitrary date as special is nothing more than social programming run amok and you refuse to acknowledge it. Watch as her female brain struggles with logic.
B) Buy her a shiny rock and say "Here, you goddamn chimp. You said you'd be different."
C) Tell her you're waiting for tomorrow - the anniversary of the birth of your inescapable depression.
You gave it a shot, but after three months it's just more than you can take and she's getting half your shit. You...
A) Commit suicide.
B) Burn your home and all your possessions, give all your money to charity, then commit suicide.
C) Commit murder/suicide.
Answer key: There were no right answers. Marriage is an outmoded notion and should not be entered into by any semi-reasonable human being. It is tradition for the sake of tradition and every wedding that takes place is yet another example of how your sad little species will forever remain overly sentimental children. Uh... I mean... Who wants cake!
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Along with 37 other people at the Land of the Lost junket I recently attended, I scored an exclusive interview with superstar Will Ferrell. I was able to keep his attention on me by holding up a stack of papers labeled "God-awful Screenplay." So here it is: My one on one interview with the man of a thousand characters (who are all exactly the same).
Me: So Will, how are the kids?
Will Ferrell: Pretty good. They're not stuck in a room answering a bunch of third-grade level questions being asked by a pack of assholes with journalism degrees who can't get a job in real media, so I'm sure they're feeling better than me.
Me: Sounds great. So tell me, what was it like working on Norbit?
WF: I wasn't in that. That was Eddie Murphy.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry. I got confused because it was a huge pile of shit. Anyway, what's your middle name?
WF: William is my middle name. My full name is John William Ferrell. I just prefer to go by Will.
WF: What's the problem?
Me: Well, I was hoping your middle name started with a T. That way your initials would be WTF.
WF: That would be fucking awesome.
Me: Yeah, it would be fucking awesome. But you had to go and ruin it just like you ruin a good string of semi-interesting coming attractions with one of your movies.
Me: That's okay. So now we all know your middle name - tell us one thing about Will Ferrell we might not know.
WF: Hmm, let's see... Well, you may not know based on every movie I've done the past five years, but I'm actually really funny.
Me: Get the fuck outta here.
WF: No, it's true. Old School and Anchorman were not accidents.
Me: Oh yeah, I forgot about those. What the fuck, man?
WF: I don't know what to tell you. I just show up on set, some P.A. slaps an outfit on me, the director shouts "Do what you did in your last movie" and before I know it I'm at the premiere. Anyway, I think audiences are really going to like my next two movies: Egotistical Guy with Autism Dresses Like an Astronaut and Egotistical Guy with Autism Dresses Like a Ninja.
Me: Let's move on to your current movie that will make just enough money to keep you working a while longer: Land of the Lost. What was it like working with that dinosaur? He looks scary.
WF: You're not going to believe this, but that dinosaur was nothing but a tennis ball on a stick. They somehow put it in later with something called a CGI.
Me: No way. It looks so real. I am a huge moron. So, what was it like on the set? I bet it was crazy. Someone probably pulled some pranks and there was some accident where someone almost got hurt but it ended up not being so bad. Tell me about it. And also tell me if you got along with the rest of the cast. People who read things like Us Weekly and People like to read this bullshit as if it wasn't meaningless shit they've read a thousand times before.
WF: It was crazy. Danny would always mess with everyone on set by blah blah blah. But one day I got him back. I blah blah blah in front of the entire crew. There was one scary moment when I had to do a stunt with the Sleestacks. I had to swing on a vine and blah blah blah. I had to wear a cast on that ankle for two weeks and we shot around it. And the cast blah blah blah work with them again any time.
Me: Really exciting stuff. Thanks for your time, Will. Before you go, could you do the line for me?
WF: What are you talking about?
Me: You know... From your SNL days.
WF: You're gonna have to narrow it down.
Me: (sigh) We are... two wild and crazy guys!!
WF: That was Steve Martin and Dan Akroyd from like 35 years ago. Are you a fucking retard?
Me: Yes. Yes I am. Goodbye Will.
WF: Bye. I suck.
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[Flush Soul with Water]
I'll sleep when I'm dead. And like a third of the time before then.