DON'T MAKE ME OPEN A CAN OF POSITIVITY ON YOUR ASS
THERE IS NO SHIRT
INVISIBLE CARIBOU
40 CLASSIC SHIRTS
TO WOMEN FROM GOD
 HOPELESS ROMANTIC SEEKS FILTHY WHORE
DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND BUT MY DICK IS A REALLY CLOSE SECOND
WWJD FOR A KLONDIKE BAR
BAD SAMARITAN
   	 KEEPIN' I.T. REAL
CANADIANS ARE EH'HOLES
 I'M NOT A FULL BLOODED JEW - I'M jewISH
POP A SMURF
DISNEY ON ICE
FREE HUGS (WORLD CHAMPION SLUT HUGGER)
FUCKING CLASSY
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
DON'T BOTHER ME - I'M WASTING POTENTIAL
BLING-BLING
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS

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newsfromhell

head


WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

President Obama recently met with the Saudi king to improve our standing with the Muslims. I believe the meeting went something like this - Muslim guy: "Keep buying our oil." Obama: "Okay." Man, we are the definition of a functional relationship.

Obama also gave an exclusive in-depth tour of the White House to NBC. It was fairly interesting, but I can't believe NBC didn't have the balls to show the cage full of Obama's illegitimate kids. I know about it because three of my kids are in it.

Dick Cheney recently said there was nothing linking Iraq to 9-11. This was quite a scoop for the staff of "No Fucking Shit Magazine". Good thing Iraqi civilians are worthless or this could've been quite a black eye for him.

Archie of the Archie Comics is getting married. Good news, Archie: Dick Cheney approves of that now. You and Jughead will be very happy. It's a shame that the same day Archie announced his good news Hagar killed his wife with an axe then hung himself. And Garfield just kept sucking.

Conan O'Brien took over as host of the Tonight Show last week. Fans feared the earlier time slot would affect his sensibility, but those fears were laid to rest when Conan brought out "The Sexually Satisfied Bear Who Never Behaves Inappropriately" and "Triumph, the Dog Who Compliments Your Shoes."

Internet singing sensation Susan Boyle was recently named runner-up on Britain's Got Talent and was also hospitalized due to exhaustion. Let this be a lesson to all you ugly people: Keep your shitty, unimportant jobs. Fame is for the young and attractive.

American automaker GM recently filed for bankruptcy. Hey, I didn't know GM was a black guy. I don't even know if that makes sense, but you know my punch line rule: Racist first, funny second.

Comments (21) - View Comments - Add A Comment

your momma  06/09/09 3:35 pm
Ha! that's not a picture of Conan O'Brien!

son  06/09/09 4:10 pm
whatever mom

Lt. Commander Data  06/09/09 11:29 pm
Cheney and Bush got bad info on Iraq. It would be insanity times 100 to try to lie your way through that firestorm. Beyond that, yes, racist first, as it's funny by definition... humor for humor's sake can wait...

Iman Azol  06/10/09 2:59 pm
Wait, is the unlaid trekkie living in his parents' basement claiming the Iraq thing is 100 times insanity? That's like, 143 sheep with broccoli, right?

Mac  06/12/09 8:56 am
I thought T-Shirt Hell was going away?

lizzy nipples  06/12/09 11:32 am
susan boyle has a huge dick.i saw it while she was singing.shes a huge dyke...im scared of her.shed prolly make me her bitch and rape my ass with her huge dildo..i retarded.

Death Magnetic  06/12/09 6:52 pm
GM is definitely out of whack and I totally blame the niggers....oops, I meant blacks. Buying $40,000 Escalades and rims, and still living off of food stamps, Medicaid and Section 8 housing!
Stop selling crack and weed and get a real job, you lazy, ambitionless, government benefit thieving fucks!

The I Dream Of Jeannie chick looks pretty hot, too!

Agreed.  06/13/09 12:05 am
Anyone know -who- that I Dream of Jeannie chick is, perchance?

Carl R. Bach  06/13/09 1:24 am
Hellfire

the_pornstar  06/13/09 3:05 am
The I Dream of Jeanie chick looks like either, Lisa Sparxxx, or Brandy Taylor...Both Pornstars...Hmm...Either way...Id fuck her

tom  06/13/09 8:45 am
okay, got Cheney, got Archie, got Conan, who's the babe almost showing tits?

Fuck Stick  06/13/09 12:40 pm
Yea keep drinking the OBAMA KOOL-AID People!!!! THIS COUNTRY IS GOING DOWN THE TUBES WITH OBAMA!!!!

Buck O'Fama  06/13/09 1:17 pm
I think you mean FOOL_AID. You would have to be one screwed up brain-dead fuckwad to believe anything coming from BO's mouth. Just wait, BO will make Castro and Chavez look great in comparison.

Yuri Tarded  06/13/09 3:10 pm
Kool-Aid? It sounds more like they are drinking some Tard-Aid. You need something stronger than Kool-Aid to turn the ignorant masses into the sort of bedwetting, clueless, tofu-chomping, flag-burning, trial-lawyer-deifying, America-blaming Marxist douche bag Obamatons we are seeing now.

Drew the Fuck-Head  06/13/09 8:41 pm
I was at this Adult Indusrty shindig in Sydney recently, and Dick Cheyney was there. He was dressed up in some shit, looked like a fuckin' Donkey suit....or was it a Deer? Anyway, he ran over to me and offered a $10 blow-job. The only reason I accepted (because my wife was there) is because Dick took his teeth out, and he has those weird shaped lips. He gave a real Angry Blow. Then he bombed my house.

JTH  06/13/09 10:03 pm
Sunshine... your latest newsletter hit the nail on the head. Holy shit man... I've been at Burger King for 3 months now... thankfully I'm getting a better job soon, but still! You slay me ya bastard.

eh hole  06/15/09 4:36 pm
where am i gonna get my crack n weed if the blacks stop selling it??

Angus McShagnasty  06/15/09 11:10 pm
Don't worry, there are plenty of spicks, beaners and taco-benders to take care of you.

Death Magnetic  06/16/09 12:15 am
Angus is correct. At least, if the beaners are selling you some mota, you can actually smoke it without the after effects of the residual Jheri curl the niggers put in it. And for every crack rock or joint you buy from a wetback, their wives and 16 kids will personally come over and wash your dishes and steal everything that isn't nailed or glued down.

bjorn borgnine  06/21/09 5:48 pm
yeah, that's not conan o'brien - it's susan boyle.

cunt-fused  06/26/09 9:13 pm
where are we going and why am i in this handbasket???


long division

head

picture 1

In case the wave of regret and resentment rolling across the land didn't tip you off, wedding season is here. For some strange reason, wedding season begins a couple weeks after prom season ends. It's a real brain-buster, but I'm not here to figure that out, so I'll leave it to you.

I am here to help guide these innocent virgins (cool, my keyboard just started laughing) down the often bumpy path of matrimony. As a woman who is maintaining marriages with three different dead men for reasons I can't disclose, I feel I am perfectly suited for this. So, below is a Cosmo-style quiz to see if you are prepared to enter into this holiest (and most often disregarded) of unions.

------------------

Nearly half of all marriages end in divorce and of the ones that don't, many are unhappy but maintained for purposes of finance, religion or children. Using this information you...

A) Reconsider your relationship and wait a while longer to get married.

B) Marry anyway because your parents won't back off and she's not getting any less pregnant.

C) Tell yourself "I'll be different." A good laugh is shared by your ego and super-ego.

picture 1You're married. If you haven't done so already, you will now be moving in together. The issue of what stays and what goes is always stressful. To handle this, you...

A) Buy two homes so you can pretend you're still individuals with your own thoughts and ideas.

B) Toss everything and live in an empty house. Why should your house be different than your life?

C) Compromise. She can decorate how she wants, but you get to keep the couch that looks like your high school girlfriend and blows you whenever you want. Come on, you love that couch.

You want to wear white, but don't feel right about it after what your uncle did to you. You...

A) Wear white anyway because it's 2009 and no one gives a fuck.

B) Ask your wedding planner what color you wear when you plan on cheating early and often.

C) Write on your wedding train "I've fucked 47 guys, 8 chicks, and one of my 12-year-old students."

picture 1You want her to sign a pre-nup, but you're afraid she'll see it as a lack of commitment. You...

A) Put a gun in her mouth and say "Sign it you money-grubbing bitch."

B) Practice forging your wife's signature and get your lawyer to remove any infidelity clauses.

C) Tell her you don't want her to sign a pre-nup. Then she'll sign because all she wants is a fight. That's all they ever fucking want. Goddamn it.

You're gay and want to marry your long-time life partner but your options are limited. You...

A) Prepare to rot in Hell for all eternity you filthy, filthy degenerate.

B) Settle for a civil union. The same way you settle for butt sex. Do you people even know how good vaginas feel?

C) Move to a state where gay marriage is legal. I suggest Oklahoma or Arkansas. And make out in front of the locals. They love that shit.

picture 1A few months into the marriage you learn you are unable to conceive. You...

A) Write "fuck" on most of the pages of your appointment book and "celebrate" on remaining pages.

B) Sneak off to your wife's OB/GYN, pay him the agreed amount and thank him for a job well done.

C) Adopt a girl. She should be fuckable by the time you can no longer drink your wife attractive.

You don't get along with your new in-laws, but want to try for the sake of your marriage. You...

A) Initiate a freaky three-way with them.

B) Send them a picture of you standing behind their child with a knife and a note reading "Stay out of our lives."

C) Tell them both to fuck off. Who needs two more people you have to pretend to like anyway?

Oh no! You've forgotten your anniversary. To make up for this, you...

A) Tell your wife recognizing an arbitrary date as special is nothing more than social programming run amok and you refuse to acknowledge it. Watch as her female brain struggles with logic.

B) Buy her a shiny rock and say "Here, you goddamn chimp. You said you'd be different."

C) Tell her you're waiting for tomorrow - the anniversary of the birth of your inescapable depression.

You gave it a shot, but after three months it's just more than you can take and she's getting half your shit. You...

A) Commit suicide.

B) Burn your home and all your possessions, give all your money to charity, then commit suicide.

C) Commit murder/suicide.

Answer key: There were no right answers. Marriage is an outmoded notion and should not be entered into by any semi-reasonable human being. It is tradition for the sake of tradition and every wedding that takes place is yet another example of how your sad little species will forever remain overly sentimental children. Uh... I mean... Who wants cake!

Comments (20) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Johnny Rotten  06/09/09 3:48 am
do i win a prize ?

Spuds  06/09/09 5:26 am
No

Mr. McGoggins  06/09/09 8:28 am
Yes

Chris  06/09/09 11:20 am
Thanks a lot T-shirt hell, why didn't you make this list 9 years ago when I got married....... Oh well back to the bottle again I guess

mary anne faithfull  06/09/09 11:40 am
VAGINAS SUCK!

Lt. Commander Data  06/09/09 11:33 pm
Vaginas do suck. They clamp, too. I was fingering my first gf one day years back, and that thing clamped down on me like a vise. Man, did it feel good. As for marriage, well, my parents screwed it up, but they had me before they split- so np there. I might get married, but I'll never be the wide-eyed idealist so many marriage partners are. And I want a damn dowry... what is this "Take my daughter off my hands for nothing" Scheiße? Gimme land and cash! I'll never divorce her (if you do, you have to return the dowry...)

del rio  06/10/09 9:41 am
outstanding,. had a great lauft..your tshirts suck but your writing is worldclass funny

Nimrod  06/10/09 1:18 pm
Fuck that shit. I'll stay single and masterbate all day. Its great to do in the front yard after school is out.

Iman Azol  06/10/09 3:04 pm
If only goats could cook...

the bride  06/11/09 10:53 pm
reading the thing while I should be picking chapels...now I have a great dress idea, thanks!

Death Magnetic  06/12/09 7:00 pm
I once tried to masturbate all day myself, but what I ended up with was a sore wrist and a huge blister on the side of my cock!!!

Carl R. Bach  06/13/09 1:37 am
Hellfire and 5 stars on the "Watch as her female brain struggles with logic."

I so want to be more like sunshine.

ImGr8Thx!  06/13/09 7:34 am
** sigh ** ... Sunshine - I F'ing love you ... This is just another shining example of your excellence and ability to use that Hot Ass Head of yours!!! (well - ok, ur brain... but your head IS hot - especially when it’s tapping the backside of my vagina! God Damn that shits good!!) Sincerely, Married bc his moma said it was the right thing to do, but now I have found my true love - Sunshine Megatron masturbation cum rubbed all over my face ... Mmmm-mmmm-mmm...

Hrothgar  06/13/09 11:47 am
"Watch as her female brain struggles with logic." Fucking wonderful. I went to a wedding last week, and it was great to see all that sappy nonsense expelled so brutally.
Do you have any ideas for talking people out of marriage or for wedding guests who know it's a really bad idea? My first-line "dude, you're whipped" speech didn't fare so well.

Angus McShagnasty  06/13/09 12:05 pm
With the right tools and enough time women can be trained. Or, just wait a bit and save some cash for a fembot. I understand the Japs are making great strides in that area and they don't bring in-laws or complain about getting spooge in their hair

dc0de  06/13/09 3:02 pm
Most awesome.

tash  06/13/09 8:48 pm
I disagree... If I had a penis I'd want to fuck a nice tight butthole.

I killed her and haven't been caught  06/13/09 9:22 pm
Actually, Murder/Suicide is actually the only right answer in the test.....well.....the Murder thing anyway...

ProudNewDaddy  06/14/09 9:46 pm
THANK YOU!!!

I'd never really considered the benefits of adoption before!

Jake  06/16/09 7:16 am
Yet another reason why I see no point in getting married. Why bother with the headache? Besides when you're single you can cruise for chicks without catching hell.


MOO!
space

Along with 37 other people at the Land of the Lost junket I recently attended, I scored an exclusive interview with superstar Will Ferrell. I was able to keep his attention on me by holding up a stack of papers labeled "God-awful Screenplay." So here it is: My one on one interview with the man of a thousand characters (who are all exactly the same).

Me: So Will, how are the kids?

Will Ferrell: Pretty good. They're not stuck in a room answering a bunch of third-grade level questions being asked by a pack of assholes with journalism degrees who can't get a job in real media, so I'm sure they're feeling better than me.

Me: Sounds great. So tell me, what was it like working on Norbit?

WF: I wasn't in that. That was Eddie Murphy.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry. I got confused because it was a huge pile of shit. Anyway, what's your middle name?

WF: William is my middle name. My full name is John William Ferrell. I just prefer to go by Will.

Me: Oh.

WF: What's the problem?

Me: Well, I was hoping your middle name started with a T. That way your initials would be WTF.

WF: That would be fucking awesome.

Me: Yeah, it would be fucking awesome. But you had to go and ruin it just like you ruin a good string of semi-interesting coming attractions with one of your movies.

WF: Sorry.

Me: That's okay. So now we all know your middle name - tell us one thing about Will Ferrell we might not know.

WF: Hmm, let's see... Well, you may not know based on every movie I've done the past five years, but I'm actually really funny.

Me: Get the fuck outta here.

WF: No, it's true. Old School and Anchorman were not accidents.

Me: Oh yeah, I forgot about those. What the fuck, man?

WF: I don't know what to tell you. I just show up on set, some P.A. slaps an outfit on me, the director shouts "Do what you did in your last movie" and before I know it I'm at the premiere. Anyway, I think audiences are really going to like my next two movies: Egotistical Guy with Autism Dresses Like an Astronaut and Egotistical Guy with Autism Dresses Like a Ninja.

Me: Let's move on to your current movie that will make just enough money to keep you working a while longer: Land of the Lost. What was it like working with that dinosaur? He looks scary.

WF: You're not going to believe this, but that dinosaur was nothing but a tennis ball on a stick. They somehow put it in later with something called a CGI.

Me: No way. It looks so real. I am a huge moron. So, what was it like on the set? I bet it was crazy. Someone probably pulled some pranks and there was some accident where someone almost got hurt but it ended up not being so bad. Tell me about it. And also tell me if you got along with the rest of the cast. People who read things like Us Weekly and People like to read this bullshit as if it wasn't meaningless shit they've read a thousand times before.

WF: It was crazy. Danny would always mess with everyone on set by blah blah blah. But one day I got him back. I blah blah blah in front of the entire crew. There was one scary moment when I had to do a stunt with the Sleestacks. I had to swing on a vine and blah blah blah. I had to wear a cast on that ankle for two weeks and we shot around it. And the cast blah blah blah work with them again any time.

Me: Really exciting stuff. Thanks for your time, Will. Before you go, could you do the line for me?

WF: What are you talking about?

Me: You know... From your SNL days.

WF: You're gonna have to narrow it down.

Me: (sigh) We are... two wild and crazy guys!!

WF: That was Steve Martin and Dan Akroyd from like 35 years ago. Are you a fucking retard?

Me: Yes. Yes I am. Goodbye Will.

WF: Bye. I suck.

Comments (36) - View Comments - Add A Comment

you just lost  06/09/09 6:53 am
the game

Aaron N  06/09/09 10:33 am
I hope this becomes a series of interviews with actors who constantly play the same character. Next up: Jennifer Aniston, Michael Cera, Katherine Heigl, Jack Black, Justin Long, Cameron Diaz, Owen Wilson, Ryan Reynolds, Vince Vaughn........[more vomit sounds]........

Mike F  06/09/09 11:26 am
I'd rather watch someone play the "same character" so long as its funny, then garbage movies that just aren't funny. One of the reasons certain people become stars, is because fans like what they do in movies.

Jen  06/09/09 11:40 am
Best interview of that fucktard yet!

Loser  06/09/09 12:08 pm
Mike F. (AKA: Chris Crocker) can borrow my name any time he wants to...i picture him as being the douche that usually writes hate mail but since there wasn't any this time he still had to chime in... eat shit and live to tell your grand-queers about it!

matt  06/09/09 12:29 pm
i just read that while taking a shit. does that make it a metaphor for the movie?

pisso  06/09/09 2:12 pm

HEY!! Where's the FUCKING HATE MAIL?? Cunt...

Jimmy S.  06/09/09 5:43 pm
It's hilarious that so many people make relentless jokes at Will Ferrell's expense...and yet he is far more successful than any one of you.

Dave  06/09/09 6:35 pm
yeah seriously, wtf happened to him. He used to be actually funny. I guess even giants suffer during this economy and have to take on shitty movies to be able to afford to wipe their ass with $100 bills.

Terror  06/09/09 10:07 pm
JACK BLACK DOESN'T ACT! He is himself and that is why it is awesome, when it is awesome.

Cera does suck horribly.

Ryan Reynolds has some good movies, check out The Nines...it;s prett fucked up but a good one

Lt. Commander Data  06/09/09 11:42 pm
You all should know: WF is on an episode of "Man vs. Wild". He gets let out above the Arctic Circle with nobody but Bear Grylls to save him. With luck, they'll dig his frozen ass out in about 5 years. He'll then be seen on a sequel to "Baby Mammoth" as scientists try to figure out why he was the recipient of such adulation. All the while, Bear will be making loads of money making shows worth watching about saving you own ass...

Rob Bass  06/10/09 12:19 am
Fuck Will Ferrell. If you want to interview one-note, shitty actors, talk to dwarf-ass Ben Stiller. Question: In how many of his movies has Ben Stiller been hit in the 'nads? Answer: All of 'em. Prove me wrong and I'll suck your mother's dick. I saw the tiny bastid once walking around NYC like he owned shit (for real, he probably does own a good chunk of stuff). Still not that funny, though.

Marsupilami  06/10/09 4:42 am
Will Farrel it's a great actor. OLd School and Elf are his best movies.

You WF hater are just yourmother'shiteaters! Stop.

SWEED  06/10/09 7:56 am
Mike F: people nowadays often get famous as a result of their backing corporations hype and commercial.

Iman Azol  06/10/09 3:12 pm
Mike F 06/09/09 11:26 am
I'd rather watch someone play the "same character" even if it's not funny, than stuff I have to think about. One of the reasons certain people become stars, is because drooling morons like me like what they do in movies. Also, I'm queer and like watching him stick his face into other men's crotches.

Fixed it for you.

Besty  06/11/09 6:14 am
Entertaining, but no hate mail? That's disapointing.

Natalie  06/12/09 1:28 am
LMF@AO that was some good shit! Fucking retard. Ain't we all?

Satan  06/12/09 8:41 am
Rob Bass: You're right...Ben Stiller is the biggest douche "actor" ever. Ryan Reynolds is a million times better...

lizzy nipples  06/12/09 11:28 am
no hate mail.what the fuck? WF loves the cock.but id love the cock too if i was rich.wait i do love the cock anyways i like to get stoned and read the hate mail.So mister..ppppplz give me some..twat

Death Magnetic  06/12/09 7:23 pm
I think everything Will Ferrell puts his name on is shit! But, there's a shitload of fuckers that like his type of Down's Syndrome comedy. Goes to show that you don't have to have talent to make it in Hollywood, just a good line of horseshit!

woofmutt  06/12/09 9:13 pm
I'm glad this interview is fake. I can still continue hating him.

Carl R. Bach  06/13/09 1:43 am
Hellfire

GaryR  06/13/09 6:25 am
Dogs rescued from animal shelters are taught new skills by trainers, who hope to spare them from being put down. Please no one teach WF anything new.

K Ems  06/13/09 10:22 am
pure comedy I laughed my ass off. I hope these interveiws continue keep up the good work! Really not looking forward to that Land of the Lost though

uproot  06/13/09 10:58 am
LOLWUT?

Angus McShagnasty  06/13/09 1:06 pm
If you are like me you will check out some of the reviews before seeing a movie. Fortunately for you I have gathered some of them and present them here to save you some time. You are welcome.

"10 seconds into the movie and i want to kill him with a butter knife!"
Washington Post

"Oh my god. This shit was horrible."
O Magazine

"This is vaguely creepy."
USA Today

"If you found that funny, your a sick and evil bastard and should be shot!"
People Magazine

"That was some Bull Shit... What a waste of time... Who would actually watch that... what a waste of life.."
New York Times

"Wow, this is fucking retarded."
Entertainment Tonight

"If you like this...YOU SUCK AS A PERSON"
Reader's Digest

"I found the journey of the protagonist both humorous and enlightening. Just kidding. This movie is nut sack sweat."
Wall Street Journal

poo face  06/13/09 4:41 pm
uhh ok....i haven't seen his latest movie but that was the most unfunny t-shirt hell article i have ever seen.... i guess u guys are just as unfunny as will ferrell?

Dildo of the Lake  06/13/09 8:50 pm
Will is a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY talented Man. I saw the Production Prewiew for "The Man with Hair that could get him a job as an Elephants' Tampon" and it was absolutely hilarious!! There was this one scene where he has just removed himself from the Elephants' twat, and he's all covered in blood. So anyway, his three sons in the movie come over with a packet of Crackers and use the Elephants Pussy Blood for Cracker Topping. Awesome film.

JTH  06/13/09 10:18 pm
Sunshine, in your sick and twisted little world, I highly doubt you truely interviewed WF. I'm sure this is a fake interview. Very amusing, I might add, but fake. Ahahaha.

Buck O'Fama  06/13/09 10:53 pm
No shit JTH, how fucking perceptive of you.

sara  06/15/09 10:32 am
that was one of the BEST interviews i have ever read! it was real questions, the kind that you really want to say to someone, but don't to be nice. hahaha!! good one!

Dustin  06/15/09 4:16 pm
THAT WAS FUCKING STUPID AS HELL!........But somehow i'm pleased?

Mike Hunt  06/15/09 7:49 pm
aaron n, you forgot adam sandler, and robb bass, stiller is in happy gilmore n doesnt get hit in the nuts! start stretching your mouth now coz im sending my mom round tonight and her cock is freaking HUGE!

Void Where Prohibited  06/16/09 5:59 pm
Will Ferrell you suck! And I do mean the dick of some big shot in hollywood! I mean how else do you keep getting work. Seriously, your not funny and nobody will ever love you.

Chode Boner  06/16/09 10:58 pm
How 'bout them Lakers? I have AIDS. French Fries anyone?

David Letterman  06/17/09 1:38 am
And uh midgets suck too.


joy division

[Flush Soul with Water]

I'll sleep when I'm dead. And like a third of the time before then.



 
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