I'd like to begin with a special tip of the hat to Andrew "I'm not contagious!" Speaker, better known as the tuberculosis guy. It's nice to see that men have a new top lie to add to "I won't cum in your mouth" and "Just the tip."
And in Paris (the whore, not the gay city) news, she was quickly sent back to prison after briefly being released. But don't worry about her. I heard that she used her vagina to sneak in a nail file. And a blowtorch. And a getaway car.
Finally, in me-related news, we are nearly halfway through Gay Pride Month. I know what you're all thinking, so I'll just tell you what my dad has already figured out. There is no way to drag an entire month behind your truck.
Satan just backed up the Awesome-truck and he's unloading our latest selection of orgasm-tastic new shirts. Our latest batch includes a shirt for every guy who's just telling you what you want to hear. Also known as every guy. And if that shirt isn't your cup of tea, we've got plenty more to choose from. Or you can just get a different goddamn teacup.
All of our new shirts are here:
Father's Day is almost here and I just wanted to send a special greeting to all the members of Earth, Wind & Fire who may potentially be my father. But while I appreciate that we have two holidays to celebrate parents, I can't help but wonder...where's the love for people smart enough to avoid parenthood?
As I just said, it's great that we honor parents. I mean, after someone has ruined their life, the very least they deserve is some macaroni glued to a piece of paper from their kid and a five-dollar card with Ziggy on it from the spouse that won't be with them in three years.
There's also a certain nobility that comes along with parenthood. It doesn't matter whether or not you're a good parent. You can be the most worthless piece of shit on the planet, but as long as you have spilled your seed, you are automatically a worthwhile human being deserving of all the praise you receive and then some.
So it's not that I have a problem with parents, I simply think we neglect the people who opted not to go that route. There are many reasons people don't have children. Maybe they can't conceive. Maybe they don't want to contribute another asshole to an already overwhelming asshole population. Maybe they know they'd be bad parents. Or maybe they're just ugly people not living in the South. Whatever the reason, they're just as valuable as a couple of drunk people who hooked up in an IHOP, and it's time they got some respect.
Call this holiday whatever you wish. Remembered to Pull Out Day, Hooray for Abortion Day, Prefers Anal Day, whatever. It doesn't matter what we call it, as long as we start giving credit where credit is due.
For everything else people without children are called, maybe they're just people who understand that less is more. As in, "Less people, more happiness." I'm aware that this holiday will never happen, so this Father's Day, let's recognize a moment of silence for the childless. Because sometimes, people that don't have kids are the best parents of all.
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From: skinsn*** @ ***.com
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Subject: Dick In A Box TShirt
I cannot believe your company would make a shirt like this. It is disgraceful and I think you should pull it off the market.
Editor's Note: Really? You can't believe T-Shirt HELL would make a shirt mocking the biggest asshole in the history of evangelism? In case you hadn't noticed, we've made fun of Jesus and that guy wasn't even a dick. A Jew maybe, but not a dick.
Why are you so upset by this anyway? The only person that has a right to be upset by this just died. And even he's probably not as upset as you are. He's probably up in Heaven right now enjoying all the gay sex and coke that he missed out on in life.
But despite all of that, you'll be happy to know that all profits from this shirt are going to Jerry Falwell's favorite charity. I forget the name, but you know which one I'm talking about. It's the one that goes around blowing up abortion clinics and blaming natural disasters on homosexuality. Their symbol is kind of like the Red Cross, but it's not a distinct color and the bottom part of the cross is longer. You know what I mean.
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From: Meghan M.
Sent: Friday, June 01, 2007
I am outraged by what your T-shirts say. Jerry Falwell was a great man and also the rainbow one. How dare you disrespect God. I hope your company goes out of business.
Editor's Note: Don't just hope our company goes out of business. Pray for it and I'm sure God will grant your wish. What? It doesn't work that way? Then what's the fucking point?
By the way, I think you need to learn what "outraged" means. I know you church-goin' folk like to bottle your emotions, so even the smallest display of anger may qualify as outrage in your eyes, but for those of us whose idea of a rocking good time includes more than an up-tempo hymn, this email qualifies as "slightly miffed" at best.
I'll tell you why we disrespect God. We're trying to piss him off so he'll finally get off his ass and come down here to fight us. So far we haven't heard a peep, which means one of two things: either he doesn't exist or he's a huge pussy. But if and when he finally decides to step up, not only will it prove he exists, but it will totally embarrass him when we kick his ass. And I know we can kick his ass, because God is inside all of us, and I think I can convince myself to throw the fight.
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Sent: Saturday, June 02, 2007
Subject: political tee
Hey guys. Love the site, but I wanted to comment on the 'vote republican' shirt. I'm for ridiculing anybody and everybody, but our current president has caused so many problems I don't see how you can even suggest that someone should vote republican in the next election. I know it's just a joke and it's not like a shirt will effect the election, but Bush has just been so bad you shouldn't even joke about it.
Editor's Note: I've only heard of one Harrison in my entire life, and I can't imagine Han Solo being this much of a tool, so I'll go ahead and assume you're not him.
Anyway, you couldn't be more wrong. That shirt is not a joke. We wholeheartedly support the Republican party. Not only that, but we also strongly support Winnie the Pooh dressed as a pimp, the Pillsbury Doughboy dressed as a Nazi, and people who would rather be fighting the man. None of our shirts are jokes, despite what simpletons like you believe.
You're also wrong about shirts not affecting the election. The fact of the matter is, every president since Rutherford B. Hayes was elected due to t-shirts. He was spotted in public wearing his "Rutherford B. Awesome" shirt and the rest is history. Fictional history, but history nonetheless.
Now if you don't mind, I have to get back to making strong social statements for the sole purpose of influencing society and not making people laugh. You retard.
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From: pill82*** @ ***.com
Sent: Monday, June 04, 2007
i would never try to stop someone from exercising free speech but i think you shoud at least put up some kind of disclaimer. something about telling customers to not wear this stuff in public. or at the very least telling people not to buy these for kids. love the shirts, just wanted to say that.
Editor's Note: Thanks for the advice. I've decided to put up a disclaimer. Let us know what you think of it.
"Warning: The world is full of goddamn morons. Every city of every country on the planet is filled with them. Some of them occasionally write stupid emails to businesses because they have to do something when they're not velcroing their shoes and eating multicolored thumbtacks.
The staff of T-Shirt Hell advises you to carry a battery-powered nailgun with you at all times in case you run into any of these morons. They tend to look like you and I, so don't look for any distinguishing marks. Just start shooting people indiscriminately. Also, purchase the most offensive t-shirts you can find, and using the strongest fishing line available, sew these shirts directly onto any children below the age of 12 that you know.
Also, have unprotected sex with multiple partners and do all the drugs you can find or make. Then threaten the lives of the Pope and/or the political leaders of your choice. And floss twice a day."
I hope that satisfies your disclaimer-lust. And remember to keep wearing your own disclaimer. The one that says "Shoot in head and do not resuscitate."
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The End - Stay Tuned for "Newsletter 2: Return of Superfly"
A rolling stone gathers no moss. Unless you roll it through a big pile of moss.