ANTI-CHIRST '08 (BARACK OBAMA)
MEANINGLESS
IT'S 1620 SOMEWHERE
ANYONE HAVE A THESAURUS? - I'M TIRED OF SAYING I'M DRUNK AND HORNY
BRAND NEW TORSOPANTS!
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
BROS BEFORE HOES
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
FUCKING CLASSY
WHO NEEDS BIG TITS? WHEN YOU HAVE AN ASS LIKE THIS
WHITE FLOUR!
I INVENTED A NEW DRINKING GAME - ITS CALLED DRINK TILL YOU'LL FUCK ME
MY LIFE IS A VERY COMPLICATED DRINKING GAME

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newsfromhell

tall
If you hate tall people like I do then this won't make you happy. For those of you with overactive pituitary glands go ahead and have a fucking party. We have just found a new tall tee manufacturer who puts out higher quality tees with a better fit.

Also, they offer two additional colors more than our previous manufacturer, so now we have 5 colors available. (These are all the colors we can get, or we'd offer even more.)

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

It sure is hot outside. "How hot is it?" It's so hot, the midgets I force to sleep in my yard are suffering from severe sunburn and heat exhaustion. Onto the blah blah.

Disgraced NBA official Tim Donaghy has claimed the 2002 and 2005 playoffs were rigged by other referees. As if that revelation weren't devastating enough for the league, Donaghy also said Shaquille O'Neal is neither a rapping genie nor a superhero with a sledge hammer that fires lasers. Bombshell.

Speaking of basketball, the Celtics and Lakers have rekindled one of the greatest rivalries in sports history and are battling for the championship. But I say this year's match-up doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as the classic Magic/Bird battles until Kobe gets AIDS.

Apple has released the new iPhone, which features download speeds several times faster than the old version. Thank God. The world doesn't yet have enough time saving devices. If only Apple would invent something to watch YouTube clips and read MySpace comments for me, I wouldn't even need to exist.

NBC News' Tim Russert died of a heart attack at 58. Always a professional, Russert was the first person to report this story. As he sat at his desk he announced, "This just in - there are sharp pains in my left arm. More on this as it develops." When he heard about Russert dying, Bill O'Reilly said "Typical left-wing nonsense."

Singer/Girl-pisser-oner R. Kelly was acquitted of all charges in his child pornography case. When asked what he would do to celebrate the verdict, Kelly said "Uh, hello? I'm going to piss on little girls. I've pretty much been given the green light."




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New York and California both recently made progressive moves regarding gay marriage, so the topic is once again a hot button issue in America. And before you even ask, no, you didn't step into a wormhole and land in the time right before the 2004 election. There is an upcoming election you may have heard about, but it is the year 2008.

"An irrelevant matter making headlines shortly before an election?" I know, crazy but true. Whether you're liberal or conservative, you may feel more important things should be addressed - the war, gas prices, natural disasters at home and abroad, squirrel cancer - but let me ask you this: How many of those things result in ass sex?

I personally have no dog (gay or straight) in this fight because my sexual preference is nonexistent. When you start fucking at the age of seven (or younger depending on which uncle is telling the truth), your sex drive is no longer dictated by visual stimuli.

Thus, I am not turned on by a heaving, supple bosom (big titties) or sweaty, well-defined pectorals (big titties). It's simply a matter of friction. Men, women, hermaphrodites, trannies, dead babies, emu necks, abandoned couches, tombstones...If it can be straddled, it'll get the job done.

We're all a little too desperate to categorize both ourselves and others. Forgive me if this sounds like new age douchery, but maybe we're not gay, straight, bi, or any other label that designates sexual preference. Maybe we're all just a bunch of idiots who like to cum.

When you were twelve you would get a boner because you weren't properly situated in your chair and your pants were a little tight. Does that mean you like to fuck pants? No - It means pretty much anything will get the job done downstairs and we all care a little too much about what's fuckable and what isn't.

Getting back to gay marriage, it's not that I particularly want gay people to be allowed to get married. It's that I don't care one way or the other. If you get involved in one aspect of someone's life that doesn't affect you, where do you draw the line? "I hate when my neighbor eats split pea soup. I'm gonna have to talk to him about that. And I absolutely will not tolerate it when someone has a mailbox shaped like a tractor. I've got a lot of phone calls to make."

You see? It's not that you can't object to someone's lifestyle; it's just that it takes way too much effort and energy to police it. Dude...I've got X-Box to play, you can marry a Bible-burning horse with ten cocks for all I care.

I think some people, instead just chilling out for a bit and enjoying life, try to make themselves feel important by participating in any fight at any time. Treating a life free of conflict as a waste of time, when, in fact, a life without conflict is the fucking goal.

As long as you're going to participate in irrelevant fights, at least make it a fight that doesn't bother another human being. Go yell at your car for having such round wheels. Go call a tree a bark-covered cunt. You like to fight so goddamn much, go ahead and fight. Just leave your opponent out of it.

Okay, commenters - Let the homophobia flow!

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MOO!
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-----Original Voicemail-----

From: Robert W D.
Sent: Monday, June 09, 2008

I find Your 1620 Somewhere shirt a slap to every American soldier's face every where,how dare you emply that we are pot smokers,you pick up a weapon and go to war and see how much pot you smoke being scared to death to go through the next door or over the next hill.

How dare you make money off this crap. I will forward this to FOX news and see what america thinks of your business adventures . please pull this shirt.

Editor's Note: Over the years I have developed a fairly keen sense of which particular shirts will piss people off, but I must say, the amount of shit we've gotten for this shirt came out of left field. It's a fucking POT JOKE, you assholes.

How anyone can perceive this as a slam against the military is beyond me. People like pot, people like soldiers - It seemed like the perfect marriage. The reaction to this has been akin to religious fanatics freaking out if you even MENTION their deity of choice. "I bet Mohammed and Jesus really would've liked Twinkies." BLASPHEMER!

Look, I pretend to respect and admire the military as much as the next gal (God knows I've been pumped full of enough soldier cum to start my own army), but have we really gotten to the point where we can't say anything concerning the military other than "Support our troops" without being branded 'unpatriotic traitors'? People hate the war and the politicians responsible for the war, neither of which are soldiers, so I'd like to know why this hits the ears of flag-wavers as "I hate the troops."

Soldiers are human, after all. It's great they do what they do, but they are humans with human flaws and should be held to the same standard as the rest of us. At least in terms of sense of humor, if nothing else. If I make a joke about a midget or a Mexican, those groups are expected to take it all in stride. "Get over it, you fucking beaner! It's just a joke!" But make a joke about anyone in uniform and just wait for the red, white and blue anger to rain down upon you.

There are assholes in every walk of life, and I'm sure the military is no exception. And I'm positive any levelheaded soldier would agree with me. Seriously, how many soldiers do you think share sleeping quarters with an asshole? I'm pretty sure they all do, because everyone is an asshole. So you'll forgive me if I judge you by your actions and not your title. Especially if those actions include writing an angry email about a goddamn T-shirt. Which is a fucking POT JOKE.

And if any military guys with a sense of humor are reading this, I'd love to hear from you. I'd hate to think this knob speaks for all of you.

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joy division

-----Original Submission-----

From: Clint B.
Sent: Thursday, June 12, 2008

your shirts are cool but what's up with the fuck Idaho shirt I guess. you guys are truley fucks don't run here when you fags need to hide from this fucked up world. one proud idahoen.


Editor's Note: I have no idea what scenario you have in mind when you say "when you fags need to hide from this fucked up world," but I can assure you we would face the problem head on before retreating to Idaho.

I don't care if an army of gay aliens marches across this land sodomizing everyone right before injecting our brains with cancer and Idaho has a forcefield that keeps out gay aliens; I would gladly bend over and take it like my Aunt Sally before seeking refuge in what will henceforth be known as "America's Colostomy Bag."

In summation, Idaho sucks and you suck even harder for not admitting that it sucks. There are only three states that don't suck (NY, CA, and whichever one just legalized retard hunting), but at least most people who live in shitty states will admit they live in a shitty state, if only because it makes them so cool. Kind of like how whiny cunts say America sucks, so they immediately become hip. Just admit to yourself and others that Idaho blows and you'll be the better for it. Now go Idaho yourself.

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-----Original Message-----

From: Joe
Sent: Thursday, June 12, 2008

You guys are really starting to suck hardcore. Your shirts used to be funny, but now they are just a bunch of Abercrombie pussy shit. Sellouts.

Editor's Note: At this point, virtually everyone understands the nature of selling out, but there are apparently still a few people who don't get it. Allow me to explain. Selling out is the goal. Everyone and everything that is "underground" or "anti-establishment" is just waiting for its opportunity to sell out.

You know that local band constantly screaming "Fuck the mainstream!"? Yeah, they'll be shilling Mountain Dew Code Red on tour the second an underling from Sony Music slaps a contract in front of them. And that subversive comic book artist with a fan base of one hundred nerds? His popular antihero will have a wisecracking robot sidekick who's always talking about Reeboks the moment he's contacted by Marvel.

You'd be surprised how easy it is to get over the taunts of "Sellout!" when you're snorting the purest coke available off the prettiest vagina in South America. I'm sure when Metallica made the Black Album, Lars Ulrich spent all of one millisecond debating whether he wanted to get back to making "real music" or living in a mansion made of platinum-covered diamonds while a handful of burnouts called him a sellout.

I'm not saying you're wrong for calling us sellouts, I'm just saying that's not a bad thing. Since being a professional retard isn't a job, I don't know what you do for a living. But if your boss offered you an extra $20 an hour to do the same job while wearing a severed donkey cock on your head, I'm pretty sure you'd do it. All hail selling out. And all hail the new Ford Focus!

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does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Submission-----

From: Aajay M.
Sent: Saturday, June 14, 2008

All of you are to blame for the perpetuation of racism, sexism, able-ism, and homophobia in our society. The only reason you can sleep at night is because you're too afraid to face the consequences of realizing your role in destroying our country further.

This isn't humor, it's disgusting, and I bet I could say the same for you and your clientele. I bet it is fun living in the same mindset you had in high school. Develop a brain and some consciousness. If you need something to read on it, let me know.

Editor's Note: Your offer to provide me with something to read on these various subjects suggests to me you think I'm ignorant. As I have stated before, I am not. I am well versed in all the philosophy and social commentary the world has to offer. I simply choose to remain racist, sexist and homophobic in the face of all that information.

It's similar to how all Christians have the same Bible, yet there are roughly a billion versions of Christianity. I'm privy to the same data and knowledge as you, I just interpret it differently. You may read Descartes and come to the conclusion that we are all equal and deserving of respect. I read Descartes and think "Goddamn Haitians!"

And although I'm sure it was meant as an insult, yes, it is fun living with the same mindset I had in high school. I still smoke pot and laugh when I watch reruns of Night Court, I still giggle when I touch boobies (even my own), and I still get my pussy licked by high school English teachers. So you'll forgive me if I'm happy all the goddamn time.

It's only when you become "mature" or "enlightened" that every second of every day sucks. Go ahead and read every scrap of philosophy under the sun, just remember that whoever wrote it was a human, with a human brain no bigger than yours (Well, I didn't mean yours. I meant a normal human brain God didn't pee on).

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Mark  09/08/09 1:20 am
Who is the girl in the pic by this article? (Blonde in green shirt)

does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Submission-----

From: Amy L.
Sent: Sunday, June 15, 2008
Subject: you people are sick

what the hell is wrong with you people, this is the most discusting thing i have ever seen...theese are innocent babies and chilren...theese t-shirts are not funny, they are nasty and its wrong...no wonder our world is so fucked up. you should all be ashamed of your horrible selves.

Editor's Note: Hey, I don't care what that guy in that dungeon told you. Those chandeliers are not made out of babies. Those are possum bones and nothing more. And I certainly haven't been selling tepees made from baby skin for use in natural history museums. YOU HAVE NO PROOF!

Oh...you were talking about pictures of babies in our baby tees. Uh...yeah...that's totally fucked up. Gotta go.

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division of labor

[See Ya Later, Asian Skater]

God moves in mysterious ways. "What is something people say when a loved one gets cancer?"

Peace

 

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