ANTI-CHIRST '08 (BARACK OBAMA)
MEANINGLESS
IT'S 1620 SOMEWHERE
ANYONE HAVE A THESAURUS? - I'M TIRED OF SAYING I'M DRUNK AND HORNY
BRAND NEW TORSOPANTS!
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
BROS BEFORE HOES
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
FUCKING CLASSY
WHO NEEDS BIG TITS? WHEN YOU HAVE AN ASS LIKE THIS
WHITE FLOUR!
I INVENTED A NEW DRINKING GAME - ITS CALLED DRINK TILL YOU'LL FUCK ME
MY LIFE IS A VERY COMPLICATED DRINKING GAME

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newsfromhell

tall
If you hate tall people like I do then this won't make you happy. For those of you with overactive pituitary glands go ahead and have a fucking party. We have just found a new tall tee manufacturer who puts out higher quality tees with a better fit.

Also, they offer two additional colors more than our previous manufacturer, so now we have 5 colors available. (These are all the colors we can get, or we'd offer even more.)

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

It sure is hot outside. "How hot is it?" It's so hot, the midgets I force to sleep in my yard are suffering from severe sunburn and heat exhaustion. Onto the blah blah.

Disgraced NBA official Tim Donaghy has claimed the 2002 and 2005 playoffs were rigged by other referees. As if that revelation weren't devastating enough for the league, Donaghy also said Shaquille O'Neal is neither a rapping genie nor a superhero with a sledge hammer that fires lasers. Bombshell.

Speaking of basketball, the Celtics and Lakers have rekindled one of the greatest rivalries in sports history and are battling for the championship. But I say this year's match-up doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as the classic Magic/Bird battles until Kobe gets AIDS.

Apple has released the new iPhone, which features download speeds several times faster than the old version. Thank God. The world doesn't yet have enough time saving devices. If only Apple would invent something to watch YouTube clips and read MySpace comments for me, I wouldn't even need to exist.

NBC News' Tim Russert died of a heart attack at 58. Always a professional, Russert was the first person to report this story. As he sat at his desk he announced, "This just in - there are sharp pains in my left arm. More on this as it develops." When he heard about Russert dying, Bill O'Reilly said "Typical left-wing nonsense."

Singer/Girl-pisser-oner R. Kelly was acquitted of all charges in his child pornography case. When asked what he would do to celebrate the verdict, Kelly said "Uh, hello? I'm going to piss on little girls. I've pretty much been given the green light."




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New York and California both recently made progressive moves regarding gay marriage, so the topic is once again a hot button issue in America. And before you even ask, no, you didn't step into a wormhole and land in the time right before the 2004 election. There is an upcoming election you may have heard about, but it is the year 2008.

"An irrelevant matter making headlines shortly before an election?" I know, crazy but true. Whether you're liberal or conservative, you may feel more important things should be addressed - the war, gas prices, natural disasters at home and abroad, squirrel cancer - but let me ask you this: How many of those things result in ass sex?

I personally have no dog (gay or straight) in this fight because my sexual preference is nonexistent. When you start fucking at the age of seven (or younger depending on which uncle is telling the truth), your sex drive is no longer dictated by visual stimuli.

Thus, I am not turned on by a heaving, supple bosom (big titties) or sweaty, well-defined pectorals (big titties). It's simply a matter of friction. Men, women, hermaphrodites, trannies, dead babies, emu necks, abandoned couches, tombstones...If it can be straddled, it'll get the job done.

We're all a little too desperate to categorize both ourselves and others. Forgive me if this sounds like new age douchery, but maybe we're not gay, straight, bi, or any other label that designates sexual preference. Maybe we're all just a bunch of idiots who like to cum.

When you were twelve you would get a boner because you weren't properly situated in your chair and your pants were a little tight. Does that mean you like to fuck pants? No - It means pretty much anything will get the job done downstairs and we all care a little too much about what's fuckable and what isn't.

Getting back to gay marriage, it's not that I particularly want gay people to be allowed to get married. It's that I don't care one way or the other. If you get involved in one aspect of someone's life that doesn't affect you, where do you draw the line? "I hate when my neighbor eats split pea soup. I'm gonna have to talk to him about that. And I absolutely will not tolerate it when someone has a mailbox shaped like a tractor. I've got a lot of phone calls to make."

You see? It's not that you can't object to someone's lifestyle; it's just that it takes way too much effort and energy to police it. Dude...I've got X-Box to play, you can marry a Bible-burning horse with ten cocks for all I care.

I think some people, instead just chilling out for a bit and enjoying life, try to make themselves feel important by participating in any fight at any time. Treating a life free of conflict as a waste of time, when, in fact, a life without conflict is the fucking goal.

As long as you're going to participate in irrelevant fights, at least make it a fight that doesn't bother another human being. Go yell at your car for having such round wheels. Go call a tree a bark-covered cunt. You like to fight so goddamn much, go ahead and fight. Just leave your opponent out of it.

Okay, commenters - Let the homophobia flow!


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