The Mid-June Thing
Iraqi leader Abu Al-Zarqawi was killed in an airstrike north of Baghdad last Wednesday. Millions of Americans are thrilled with the news, but I have no idea why. I mean, I'm the only one getting a promotion. In other news, Ann Coulter was recently arrested for climbing up a walnut tree in an attempt to keep a Los Angeles farm from being destroyed. Wait a second . . . I'm thinking of the wrong crazy cunt. I guess it was Darryl Hannah or Karen Allen or something. Whatever.
And I couldn't possibly move on without mentioning The World Cup. That was easy.
It's a Bird! It's a Plane! No, It's New Shirts, You Fucking Nerd
We've got new shirts coming out the wazoo. Which I wouldn't mind if my wazoo wasn't so infected. Anyway, we have an excellent selection of new shirts. Whether you're a chubby chaser or you're a girl who doesn't mind messin' with a broke nigga, we've got the shirt for you. But don't take my word for it. Just listen to what Jesus is saying about our new shirts. "Holy Me! These shirts kick ass! Now who does a savior have to blow to get some heroin around here?"
All of our new shirts are here:
So That's Why the Red Carpet Is Red...
This edition of the newsletter is dedicated to celebrity news. I initially balked at this idea because newsstands have become saturated with celebrity magazines. Between People, Us Weekly and In Touch there's just not a lot of celebrity news left to report on. But upon closer inspection of these magazines I noticed that there was one aspect of celebrity life they didn't even touch on. Abortion.
I perused roughly a dozen of these mags and there wasn't so much as a blurb concerning celebrity abortion. So I decided to do some research (break into the Planned Parenthood offices in the Hollywood area and go through their files) to bring you the celebrity news that the other news sources don't have the balls or the legal right to report. So without further adieu, I give you Celebrity Abortion News.
Tara Reid doesn't want to hear the pitter patter of little feet. She just aborted her second child this year. If the baby had had the chance to become a girl, Tara would have named her Sunflower.
And which one of the Desperate Housewives recently got her glow prematurely removed? All of them! The cast has become so close over the past year that they decided to go together and get the group rate. Looking good, ladies!
What is Hilary Duff so happy about? She just dodged the bullet of teenage motherhood by having her bun removed from the oven before it was finished baking. Good job, Hilary. I can't wait to hear your next single!
Colin Farrell is currently paying for two abortions (one in America and one in Ireland). When we asked Farrell about that, he had this to say. "I've already got seven illegitimate kids I'm neglecting. I couldn't handle any more."
Carmen Electra recently had an abortion she wasn't even aware of. "That was strange," said the actress. "I felt something happen, so I went to the doctor to see what it was. He told me I've had so many abortions that now my body just naturally rejects the baby. Talk about convenience."
Charlize Theron recently had her first abortion. She didn't want the abortion, but as she puts it, "I didn't have a choice. The next character I'm playing is not pregnant."
Jessica Simpson is now without child. This is her explanation. "I thought abortion was what you got when you wanted your tonsils taken out. Sorry, daddy."
What was Scarlett Johansson doing in the stirrups last month? "Well, Vera Wang had designed the most beautiful dress for me to wear to my next premier and I didn't want to risk showing even the slightest bulge." Good call, Scarlett. You look amazing.
And since Brad's out of the picture who was responsible for Jennifer Aniston's latest abortion? "My lips are sealed," says Aniston. "All I can say is that he's very giving and he never left my side for one second during the abortion."
That does it for the first installment of Celebrity Abortion News. I hope you enjoyed seeing all of your favorite celebrities in a new light. And remember to keep reaching for the stars and taking your morning after pills. See you next time.
Hate Just Like My Mom Used to Make - Directed at Me
From: Troy W.
Sent: Thursday, April 27, 2006 3:18 PM
Subject: Fuck YOU
You stupid ass ignorant fucks. Do you realize the hate that you exploit to make a dollar. How can you be proud of what you do. I would hope to one day meet someone with your fucking t-shirt or better yet meet someone that is cashing in on this.
(Editor's Note: I suppose the special school you go to is too busy teaching you to not eat glue to teach you what a question mark is, but I'll answer your questions despite that. But before I answer the first question I'll need to rephrase it for you, since you don't seem to know what certain words mean. You see, we don't exploit hate. We exploit minorities and the handicapped and SPREAD hate. And, to answer that question, yes, I do realize we exploit people and spread hate. I have a hard time sleeping at night, but not because of the reasons you may think. It's just so damn hard to fall asleep while laughing at the thought of the groups we exploit crying.
And let me answer your second question by posing it right back at you. How the fuck can you be proud of what you do (note the following question mark)? I'm proud of what we do because we supply shirts and make people laugh while doing it. But how can you be proud of shitting in your pants and licking light bulbs to see what light tastes like?
Finally, I cash in on this and I'd be glad to meet you. You just name the time and place. That wasn't meant to sound threatening. I genuinely want to meet you, but that's just because my fetish is watching retards try to figure out how a fork works.)
From: Tamara A.
Sent: Tuesday, April 25, 2006 12:23 PM
Subject: WHO DO U FINK U R! ! !
U may fink dat putting a picture of a black baby is funny but u obviously have no common!!!!! Who da hell do u fink u are??? Don't u fink dat dere are alot of black people out there who are gonna be affended by that!!!! Where does it say that black people are criminals!! For ur information there are alot of white people who are criminals also but who goes around saying white people are criminals. NO ONE! You are pathetic low down people who need to get a life and stop the war spread the love!!!!!!!! And I don't eva wanna have this conversation again!!!!!!!
(Editor's Note:: You know the old saying about an artist adding just one more brush-stroke and ruining a masterpiece? That's how I feel about this email. I'd love to tear into this idiot, but she's left me nowhere to go. Reading this email was like seeing a two-headed, retarded midget sitting in a wheelchair. You're in awe of it and you feel like you've got to say something, but in the end you're like "No, God made this just for me and I'm not going to ruin it.")
From: Matt & Cindy
Sent: Saturday, June 03, 2006 11:23 PM
Subject: Comment on a t-shirt
Well, as most of you shirts are totally hillarious, the "Child Predator" one is TOTALLY SICKENING, AND OUT OF LINE. I am a mother of 2 boys and I swear to God abut any mother fucking person touched my kids I would probably be in prison if they ever caught me. And the son of a bitch who did it would hope the police caught him before me, the sentence would be less.
So, I don't think we need to advertise that sick behavior.
Just to let you know, that shirt has to go!!!!
(Editor's Note: First of all, who's advertising sick behavior? We are merely providing a shirt for the all too often ignored child predator demographic. If anything, we're protecting your kids by allowing you to see a child predator coming from a block away. If it weren't for this shirt, all the child predators in your neighborhood would be wearing IZOD shirts or vests made of the skin of babies. But thanks to this shirt you know what you're getting. So how about some consideration, you fucking bitch?
Second of all, did you intentionally make that last sentence rhyme? It was in rhythm and everything. "Just to let you know, this shirt has to go!" That could be a catchy little jingle. Let me see if I can wrap up my response in a similar fashion.
To my new friends Cindy and Matt/I can tell that you guys are where it's at. You don't like our shirts and that's okay/by the way Cindy, Matt's fucking gay. Now it's time to say goodbye, so let me be blunt/You can both open wide and lick my dirty...snatch. Damn it!)
From: Rainbow*** @ ***.com
Sent: Saturday, June 10, 2006 11:34 PM
Subject: I take it up the ass
I read your newsletter all the time and normaly enjoy the witty things you write. I almost threw up because of your latest issue. I don't believe baby rape is funny, no matter what context you are using it in. Keep on making fun of races, religions, retards, and other special people, but leave out harming babies.
(Editor's Note: Rather than respond to this email, I'm just going to write about what I'm doing at this very moment.
Oh my God, this baby is delicious. So succulent. The genital area is so tender before the baby turns one. Dip it in a little soy sauce and you're in heaven. And the skull is so tasty. You don't actually swallow the skull, but at this age the skull is still soft, so it has a lot of flavor in it. You can break off a piece and roll it around in your mouth...just divine.
On to dessert. Ahh, fresh fetus cake. Drizzle some caramel or butterscotch on it and there's nothing better. I prefer to use white fetus, but you can use whatever you want. Black, Asian, Spanish...as long as the fetus is in the third trimester it doesn't really matter. Now to polish it all off with a shot of banana/baby blood smoothie. Mmm, nothing beats fresh squeezed. That was great. But in response to your email Hayley, go fuck yourself.)
If You Want an Encore, Just Read It Again
Don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. Which means God is going to have to get molested by my dad before he sends me to hell.