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 Sharpen your crayons! It's time to separate the artists from the morons who actually just got up to go sharpen their crayons.
We are having a contest for someone to design us a new logo for T-Shirt Hell. We're not going to give you a lot of rules or direction. We're looking for someone who can take this challenge and run with it. Someone to deliver something new and exciting, but that stays true to the spirit of T-Shirt Hell.
For the full guidelines go here. Good Luck!
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I hope you all had a good Father's Day. Mine sucked, as usual. If my mom could narrow it down for me I wouldn't mind so much, but I really hate buying gifts for twenty different rapists.
Last week Obama proposed an overhaul of America's financial system. I know nothing about it, but I already hate it, because an angry loud guy called it Socialism. And Socialism is bad because that same angry loud guy said it was. I'm just glad the government is to blame once again. I don't know what I'd do if corporations or common citizens caused a problem in this country.
Obama also extended benefits to same-sex partners of federal employees. This was great news for the Department of Fagriculture! (I'm not gonna stop there) And the Department of Homo-land Security! And the Department of Queenergy! Okay, I didn't have as many as I thought.
The Lakers won the NBA Championship last week. Thus proving once and for all that really tall black guys are good at basketball. Geez, why not just give me a trophy for giving handjobs to toll booth workers? (Other sports news: The Penguins won the hockey equivalent of a championship. I think they got a Scrappy-Doo Pez dispenser with "Best Hockey Team" written on it.)
David Letterman apologized for making jokes about Sarah Palin's daughters on his show last week. Palin graciously accepted his apology. Then she gave Willow her third secret abortion. (I apologize to Governor Palin. That was in poor taste and completely indefensible. Now just get your daughters to apologize for being dumb sluts and you'll be all covered. You stupid bitch.)
Monstrous lesbian Chastity Bono recently announced she'd be getting a sex change. I don't know if you've seen Chastity Bono, but I don't think one set of male genitalia is going to be able to handle the amount of testosterone coursing through this beast. I'm thinking she needs to ask that doctor to add ten extra balls and five extra cocks while he's down there.
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If you share my love of... Wait, I just realized I don't love anything. Okay, if you share my interest in... All right, so I'm not interested in anything either. Damn it. My apathy and indifference make it virtually impossible to write about anything. If it weren't for my vast reserves of irrational anger I'd never get anything done.
Anyway, the topic I was so clumsily attempting to address is that American Idol runner-up, Adam Lambert, came out of the closet in a recent interview. Not only did he admit to being gay, he said he was proud of his sexuality. This struck me as odd, since being gay is more of a natural inclination than an accomplishment. To say you're proud of getting a boner when you see a dude's anus is like saying you're proud of getting hungry when you see a turkey leg.
I always understood pride to be a feeling of self-worth you attain after achieving a worthwhile goal, not deluding yourself into thinking every detail of your life is worthy of praise. That is where I've been wrong. Why do anything if you can feel just as good about yourself because you have elbows? As a wise man once said: Why stand when you can lay on the couch and get stoned? Here are some things we can all be proud of without going to all the trouble of "accomplishment."
Tastes - The books, movies and music you enjoy are not just stuff you like; they are a badge of honor. But don't use your tastes to broaden your mind or inspire your own creativity, just refer to them in situations where they allow you to condescend to friends or co-workers. Example: "You like Led Zeppelin? [Name of band that has sold 100 albums] is much better." Because hearing of a thing is just as impressive as creating it.
Religion - For following a book that says "pride comes before the fall," Christians seem awfully proud of being Christian. Which isn't bad, I'm just surprised they got it right where their book got it wrong. But people of all faiths advertise pride in their faith. Whether they're shoving pamphlets in my face or blowing up buildings, people love to show their "Team God" spirit. I've never been bothered by someone on behalf of atheism or agnosticism. Where's the pride, man? I'd rather have pride and kill a bunch of people than have no pride and live in peace the rest of my life.
Children's accomplishments - I'm fudging here because something is being done, but it requires no effort on your part. Just sit back and bask in the second-hand glory as your offspring does all the work. And don't be one of those smothering mothers or brow-beating fathers who force themselves to think they've done something. Your kid got that A+. All you did is hit an egg with a sperm - something every mule deer and rat on the planet can do. Just take credit knowing full well you don't deserve it. Consequently, if they fuck up it's all on them.
Political affiliation - All politicians accomplish little more than a series of fuck-ups, but it's important for you to pick a side so you can take pride in all the things they say they stand for. Whether the back of your car says "Obama" or "McCain," you can boast that you support all those pretty adjectives and nouns they were both shouting eight months ago. Go elephant or donkey!
Purchases - In this day and age, it's unlikely your job is difficult or meaningful. But when you get right down to it, your occupation is your only worthwhile contribution to society. This is irrelevant to pride. What matters is the stuff you buy with that paycheck. Have you ever seen a rich person describe their new house? They practically glow with pride. And why not? It's not just anyone who can sleep in a house they didn't design or construct. Whether you're buying a great car you didn't design or a beautiful table you didn't build, giving someone money for a thing is just as impressive as making it yourself.
Nationality - The granddaddy of them all. Above all else, you should feel proud of where you plopped out of a vagina. You ever notice how no Americans have Icelandic pride and no Italians have Iraqi pride? That's because national pride isn't about which country is best or which government best represents your beliefs. It's about you. Your mom shit you out of her twat in THIS country. And even though this occurred without your consent or knowledge, wave that flag like it means everything in the world. Because what you're really saying is that YOU mean everything in the world.
In conclusion, when it comes to your emotions, there's no middle ground. You can't just "be" gay or "be" American. You have to feel one extreme or the other about everything in the world. Either feel pride or feel shame; love something or hate it. Just like you hated this article.
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We are nearing the end of June, and you know what that means. That's right - June is almost over! On an unrelated note, I decided to share some crank calls with all of you. I intended to post the actual calls, but I accidentally ate the computer they were stored on. I dropped a pepperoni on the keyboard and by the time I realized it wasn't a pizza I had already eaten the monitor, speakers and hard drive. And I wasn't about to go through life saying I had eaten MOST of a computer, so I finished it off. Anyway, here, to the best of my recollection, are transcripts of those calls. Enjoy.
Call #1 - [Woman answers]
Woman: Hello?
Me: Is your refrigerator running?
Woman: Yes.
Me: Has it ever called you a fat whore?
Woman: No.
Me: Well it should, because that's what you are. [click]
Call #2 - [Man answers]
Man: Hello?
Me: Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
Man: Well, it's not technically Prince Albert. What I do is collect his urine and zit pus in a can, then I pour it all over my chest while masturbating.
Me: [stunned silence]
Man: Hello? Hello? Well, if you're not going to talk I'm going to have to hang up. I'm about to go pour gas on senior citizens while a midget beats my ass with a rake. Goodbye. [click]
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing]
Call #3 - [Little boy answers]
Little boy: Hello?
Me: Oh... Hi. Umm... How old are you?
Little boy: I'm going to be five next week. Mommy says I'm going to get a new bike.
Me: Well... I was going to do this joke where I ask for "Mike Hunt" and then you would... I don't suppose you know what "cunt" means?
Little boy: No, but I can sound like a dinosaur - RAWWWRRRR!!!
Me: Hey... that's just great. This whole idea kind of got derailed. Bye, kid.
Little boy: Bye, you fucking cunt. [click]
Call #4 - [Guy in 1482, who I sent a time-traveling phone to, answers]
Guy: (muffled, as if he struck the phone and let it lay there) What sorcery is this!
Me: Is there a Frank Wall there?
Guy: Who doth speaketh to me? Lord? Is it thine glorious tongue?
Me: How about a Larry Wall? Is there a Larry Wall there?
Guy: These are not the words of the Lord! This is surely Satan's work! Back to your sulphurous pit, foul demon!
Me: Well are there any Walls there?
Guy: Taste my blade, Lucifer! [smashing sound followed by silence]
Me: Well you better get out of there. Your roof's about to fall down!
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[Don't Go Away Mad - Just Fuck Off]
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Whatever, man. Just give me the pot.
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