The United States government recently lifted their embargo against Palestine, thus providing aid to the new Palestinian government. Wait a second...that has nothing to do with Paris Hilton. How did I even hear about this?
In hilarious-because-it-didn't-happen-to-me news, a 16-year-old Kentucky girl recently had her feet severed by a snapped cable while riding the "Superman Tower of Power." The ride lifts passengers 177 feet straight up, then drops 154 feet, according to the park's website. Although, now, it apparently drops 156 feet.
I can't believe they let her on the ride in the first place. There's a height requirement and she was 2 feet short.
WWE wrestler Chris Benoit and his family were found dead in their home on Monday, apparently victims of a murder-suicide. No cause of death for Benoit's family has been released, but so far the police have ruled out, "pretending to hit them while he stomped his foot really hard".
Finally, in a bit of sad news, Bob Barker recently wrapped up his 35-year run as host of The Price Is Right. That noise you hear is the sound of millions of dog-balls slapping together in rapturous applause.
What does your watch say? Well that's wrong, because it's actually NEW SHIRT TIME! Yeah, I know that was gay. And not in that good "me licking vagina" way. It was just gay.
Anyway, our new group includes a shirt for the theme park ride in all of us and a shirt that's all about r-e-s-p-e-c-t for b-i-t-c-h-e-s. And there's plenty more where that came from. You know...from God's butthole.
All of our new shirts are here:
Remember that great shirt you meant to buy but never got around to getting? Well, today is your lucky day. We've opened up the T-Shirt Hell vault and all of the classic, craziest, coolest, sickest, most twisted shirts are back for a limited time. There is only a very limited amount of each design available, and each design is available in a limited number of sizes and styles.
||There's a search feature at the top of the page. The best way to search is to choose mens or womens styles, and then skip over to the, "choose size" dropdown. A lot of the best ones are in short supply because all of the T-Shirt Hell Members found out about this page last week; and those fuckers bought a ton of them. So, sign up as a member when you check out and you'll get a better shot at your favorite next time.
Fire up the barbecue and sponge down Grandma Helen, because the 4th of July is almost here. For me, July Fourth is a time to recognize the anniversary of the first time my Uncle Jeff molested me, but I realize that most of you will be celebrating America's independence. And while I'm happy to participate in any event that allows me to see bright colors in the sky without resorting to drug use, I can't help but ask: Who ever said that independence was a good thing?
We've had the idea that a free nation is the best option drilled into our heads so early and so often that we've never taken the time to consider the positives of the alternative. When I think about all the burdens I face on a typical day, it all comes back to having excessive freedoms.
Freedom of speech, religion and all the rest look good on paper, but all these freedoms have really done is give us a shitload of questions to ponder and stress over. But if the government steps in and tells us everything to say and believe, all that stress goes right out the window.
You'd no longer have to wonder if God has a walrus body and human arms or if he exists at all. Your leaders would simply force you to know exactly what God is. "What's that? Our savior was born of a virgin and he can walk on water for some apparent reason? That's a load off my mind."
And while it's great that the government can tell me who I can and can't marry, it simply doesn't go far enough. Don't just tell me what gender I can marry. Tell me the race and age, too. Free me from as much thought as possible. Tell me what movies and video games to buy. Tell me which flags I can burn. Tell me what to have for breakfast. I don't need the aggravation of freedom.
The basic point here is that the government should make its citizens an extension of itself. When I see images of Iraqi women, I don't see an oppressed or persecuted group. I see a bunch of women that probably get a good night's sleep because they don't worry about the nature of God or even what to wear the next day. The answer is always a burqa.
So this Independence Day, let's do away with all those freedoms our revolutionary forefathers fought for. Because a mind without choices is a happy mind.
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From: Mike F.
Sent: Friday, June 15, 2007
I was hoping to buy a few of your shirts, fortunately I never did. I think most of them are awesome, some of them are sick and wrong, but I could overlook them and move on. Then I read all your deeply hateful things about God. I am not a religious person, but I have my limits. You are one of the most satanic people I have ever met.
A little advice for you, shut your mouth and keep your personal views as far away from your business as possible. Believe it or not, there are people out there like me, and you are losing money because you can't stfu.
Editor's Note: First of all, I'm not one of the most Satanic people you've ever met, because you've never met me. At least I don't think you have. I think I'd remember meeting a guy with eight dicks for a face.
Second of all, I have never said anything hateful about God. I love God. If it wasn't for him taking people like you and dipping them in a big vat full of tard, I wouldn't have anything to mock.
Lastly, you didn't need to remind me that there are people out there like you. I was already depressingly aware of that fact. I keep trying to forget, but every time I order a Big Mac from a guy with almond-shaped eyes I'm reminded again. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go wipe my ass with some of the money I'm losing because I can't shut the fuck up.
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From: Antonio T.
Sent: Sunday, June 17, 2007
Subject: Where's Luigi?
I recently ordered 4 shirts, one of them being the "Wiid" shirt with our beloved Mario smoking a joint. It sucks to smoke alone! Sure, there's C-SPAN to keep a lone smoker entertained on a late night toke session but everyone has at least one main smoke buddy!
If Mario is a smoker, then Luigi's got to be down with that too! Besides, hasn't society shitted on Luigi long enough. The guy's got one damn game and even it's centered around Mario and it sucked. So with that in mind, where's Luigi?
PS: I wear a size 4XL just in case (preferable Black Tee)!
Editor's Note: "Envelope please. (chuckle) I can never get these things open. And the award for 'Outstanding Achievement in Dumbassery' goes to...Antonio T. for his work in this email! Get up here Antonio! What's that? Oh...apparently he's stuck in traffic because he's trying to drive a potato."
Forgive me for picking on a fan, but I couldn't ignore this. This is about on par with me writing "Dear Betty Crocker, I like the cake you make. I also like helicopters. You should invent a helicopter made out of cake. Bye. (fart sound)"
Okay, that wouldn't be exactly the same, but you see my point. What? You don't see my point? Well go fuck yourself.
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From: Laura M.
Sent: Tuesday, June 19, 2007
I have a real problem with the "Iraq - Who would miss it?" shirt. It's bad enough that we have over 3500 dead soldiers as a result of this "war", but we seem to forget that a lot of civilians have died over there for no good reason. this shirt is just another example of the ignorant mindset that we have about people that are just as human as you and me.
Editor's Note: I see what you did there. You put war in quotation marks to suggest that it's not a real war. Damn, why are the clever ones always such cunts?
Anyway, no one has forgotten about the civilian toll in Iraq. If we had, the joke wouldn't even work. Without that knowledge, it'd just be a strange phrase on a shirt, but knowing that thousands and thousands of innocent people have died for nothing...well that just makes it hilarious.
And how dare you say these people are as human as you and me! You maybe, but not me. On a scale of things you can find in my house, Middle Easterners rank somewhere between my trash compactor and my footstool. I'll have to find out which one hates America more to make it official.
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From: beckster8** @ ***.com
Sent: Tuesday, June 19, 2007
you guys are a bunch of imature assholes. have fun counting yur money. one of these days people will catch on to you and stop buying your bullshit
Editor's Note: Well, there goes T-Shirt Hell. Sorry, everybody, but Rebecca has figured it all out. It won't be long now until she lets the whole world know that we sell insensitive and ridiculous t-shirts.
We fooled you for as long as we possibly could. We tried to make you believe that your purchase was changing the world, and you fell for it big time. Little did you know we were just putting funny images and phrases on shirts. You pathetic fools. You're not geniuses, like Rebecca.
So it's time to say goodbye. It's been fun. Well...for me. You weren't having fun because you didn't realize that was the point. You've lost your meaning in life and I've lost my good time. When you're feeling depressed about that, just remember that Rebecca H. is responsible. It's too late to abort her, but maybe if we jab her with enough wire hangers it'll still work.
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The End? But I Never Even Mentioned Jews
Actions speak louder than words. Unless that action is sign language.