Neuter Your Game Show Hosts!

It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing

The United States government recently lifted their embargo against Palestine, thus providing aid to the new Palestinian government. Wait a second...that has nothing to do with Paris Hilton. How did I even hear about this?

In hilarious-because-it-didn't-happen-to-me news, a 16-year-old Kentucky girl recently had her feet severed by a snapped cable while riding the "Superman Tower of Power." The ride lifts passengers 177 feet straight up, then drops 154 feet, according to the park's website. Although, now, it apparently drops 156 feet.

I can't believe they let her on the ride in the first place. There's a height requirement and she was 2 feet short.

WWE wrestler Chris Benoit and his family were found dead in their home on Monday, apparently victims of a murder-suicide. No cause of death for Benoit's family has been released, but so far the police have ruled out, "pretending to hit them while he stomped his foot really hard".

Finally, in a bit of sad news, Bob Barker recently wrapped up his 35-year run as host of The Price Is Right. That noise you hear is the sound of millions of dog-balls slapping together in rapturous applause.


New Shirts

What does your watch say? Well that's wrong, because it's actually NEW SHIRT TIME! Yeah, I know that was gay. And not in that good "me licking vagina" way. It was just gay.

Anyway, our new group includes a shirt for the theme park ride in all of us and a shirt that's all about r-e-s-p-e-c-t for b-i-t-c-h-e-s. And there's plenty more where that came from. You know...from God's butthole.

All of our new shirts are here:

New Shirts

Remember that great shirt you meant to buy but never got around to getting? Well, today is your lucky day. We've opened up the T-Shirt Hell vault and all of the classic, craziest, coolest, sickest, most twisted shirts are back for a limited time. There is only a very limited amount of each design available, and each design is available in a limited number of sizes and styles.

There's a search feature at the top of the page. The best way to search is to choose mens or womens styles, and then skip over to the, "choose size" dropdown. A lot of the best ones are in short supply because all of the T-Shirt Hell Members found out about this page last week; and those fuckers bought a ton of them. So, sign up as a member when you check out and you'll get a better shot at your favorite next time.

long division

Happy Dependence Day

Grill it flip it burn it eat it light it smoke it automaticFire up the barbecue and sponge down Grandma Helen, because the 4th of July is almost here. For me, July Fourth is a time to recognize the anniversary of the first time my Uncle Jeff molested me, but I realize that most of you will be celebrating America's independence. And while I'm happy to participate in any event that allows me to see bright colors in the sky without resorting to drug use, I can't help but ask: Who ever said that independence was a good thing?

We've had the idea that a free nation is the best option drilled into our heads so early and so often that we've never taken the time to consider the positives of the alternative. When I think about all the burdens I face on a typical day, it all comes back to having excessive freedoms.

Freedom of speech, religion and all the rest look good on paper, but all these freedoms have really done is give us a shitload of questions to ponder and stress over. But if the government steps in and tells us everything to say and believe, all that stress goes right out the window.

You'd no longer have to wonder if God has a walrus body and human arms or if he exists at all. We don't need no shriners, let that bourgeois symbol burn...Your leaders would simply force you to know exactly what God is. "What's that? Our savior was born of a virgin and he can walk on water for some apparent reason? That's a load off my mind."

And while it's great that the government can tell me who I can and can't marry, it simply doesn't go far enough. Don't just tell me what gender I can marry. Tell me the race and age, too. Free me from as much thought as possible. Tell me what movies and video games to buy. Tell me which flags I can burn. Tell me what to have for breakfast. I don't need the aggravation of freedom.

The basic point here is that the government should make its citizens an extension of itself. When I see images of Iraqi women, I don't see an oppressed or persecuted group. I see a bunch of women that probably get a good night's sleep because they don't worry about the nature of God or even what to wear the next day. The answer is always a burqa.

So this Independence Day, let's do away with all those freedoms our revolutionary forefathers fought for. Because a mind without choices is a happy mind.

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