06/29/04

Britney Spears is off the market, again- and I never got to do more than
stick my pinkie in her gaping vagina. Boy, those were good seats.
Mary-Kate Olsen is in treatment for an eating disorder. Can't we just be
honest for once and deal with the real problem- that Ashley is just a fat
pig?

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NEW SHIRTS
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We have 3 new shirts this week all guaranteed to tickle your funny bone.
And by funny bone I mean your balls and/or clitoris, and by tickle I mean
squeeze like a rabid python.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt325.htm

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it
into your browser.

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NAKED TRUTH
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A lot of people have written in to tell me that they have noticed a dramatic
improvement in the overall quality of service in restaurants across the
country since my article about waiters was published several weeks back. I
decided that as a humanitarian if I could help with that problem, I owed it
America to take on an even more important issue: bad strippers.

Ladies, I am your dream client. I spend enormous sums of money on lap
dances; I trim my nails before I start groping; and I have generally
showered in the last week. Now admittedly, some strippers find it
disconcerting after successfully waking the giant in my pants, that they are
suddenly scraping their heads on the ceiling. But this is a minor
inconvenience. So here are some quick dos and don'ts.

Do: Warm up that ass. There's no quicker way to ruin the mood than when
you grind on my lap with what is essentially a well shaped block of ice.

Do: Wash off that glitter already. Nobody cares if your body is sparkling,
anymore than we care about your sparkling personality. The stench of your
perfume can be explained away by that queer guy in the carpool with all of
the gel in his hair: but a lap full of glitter is a different story.

Do: Check those implants regularly. Silicone implants have a tendency to
harden after a while, and when you repeatedly whack a person in the head
with those cement melons it can lead to Parkinson's disease. Just like it
did for Michael J. Fox.

Do: Take the night off if you're bleeding. A g-string is good. A tampon
string...not so much.

Do not: Add an additional charge for the hand job. When you get a lap
dance from a reputable stripper, it's understood that a hand job is
included. There should not be an additional charge for this. I went
through the trouble of cutting the lining out of my pockets, it's really the
least you can do. Putting your knee in my crotch is not the answer. It is
as a direct result of years of women kneeing me in the crotch that I have
ended up at the strip club in the first place.

But I am a reasonable man. If someone wants to shit on your head, that
should be extra. If they want to stick their foot up your ass, this should
also cost more, even if they remove their shoes.

Do not: Talk about your boyfriend, your five kids, or your irritable bowel
syndrome. These subjects are not sexy. If you can't tell me about the
tickle fight in the dressing room, you should probably just stick to the
fake moaning.

Do not: Get any more bad tattoos or unnecessary piercings. Your
cunt shouldn't look like a pincushion, and that crude tiger doesn't
hide the track marks on your arm any more than that crooked
tribal hides those stretch marks across your ass.

Male strippers don't have any hang ups. They let those horny,
middle aged women do whatever they want. They fuck those old
cows in the middle of the stage and spray their spunk into the crowd
like human firehoses. I actually worked as a male stripper briefly
but the other male strippers were too intimidated. (and not solely
by my ability to bust a move.)

I hope this article has been helpful to all of you strippers. I know
your job can be a grind, and it should be. I'm just happy that I
can help. That's what I'm all about: helping people.

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LOVE MAIL
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----- Original Message -----
From: Taz***@a*l.com
Sent: Friday, June 04, 2004 4:43 AM
Subject: t-shirt content

I would like to say 1st of all that I think a great number of your shirts
are very funny, I have purchased 4 or 5 from your company. I consider myself
to be very open minded, and have a good sense of humor, a somewhat warped 1,
but still there. That said, I know you say on your site that you don't
condone people buying the shirts, but please be honest, you want to sell
them, otherwise you would not have a company. I also own a small company,
so I know that you need to have cash flow, or you don't stay in business
very long.

Some of your shirts are just down right apalling and offensive, and I'm very
hard to offend. It's your company and your decision, but I think in the
future, you might want to try to be a little more sensitive to your content.

(Editor's Note: Wow. You are so insightful I'm sure your small business is
a huge success. You should try being a motivational speaker. You could
call your seminar, "Let me fuck up your incredibly successful company by
talking out of my ass". )

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----- Original Message -----
From: "tania s"
Sent: Tuesday, June 22, 2004 5:56 AM
Subject:

I'm not going to insult you or what you say Just honestly though, what are
you achieving with the racism dude? Especially when it's about something
really strong and political that's affecting heaps of people and hella lives
at the moment. No one would be saying that shit if they had experienced it,
and it's not cool to make fun of.

(Editor's Note: Dude, you are like a hella moron. We are not racists. It
is not racist to hate everyone, equally. Everyone but you. We hate you
the most. I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. Although, I might
set you on fire just to see if I change my mind.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: "Marcel P."
Sent: Friday, June 11, 2004 1:50 AM
Subject: FUCK OFF

Stop sending me your fucking Newsletter, i dont goddam need it. fuck off and
leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Editor's Note: Why do these fucking idiots sign up for our newsletters in
the first place? Did they think it would be poetry, coupons, and a
crossword puzzle? What's a six letter word for a dickless, shit for brains,
douchebag that starts with M and ends in L?)

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----- Original Message -----
From: Kevin***@*ol.com
Sent: Friday, June 18, 2004 4:20 AM
Subject: SHIRTS

AFTER I'VE SPENT A SHORT TIME ACTUALLY READING YOUR PAGES,
I'VE DISCOVERED YOUR TRUE HATRED FOR GOD.

YOUR JOKES ABOUT GOD ARE NOT FUNNY. WHEN YOU MAKE A SHIRT
THAT SAYS....JESUS IS #1!!....CALL ME.

UNTIL THEN, I'LL PRAY FOR YOU AND YOUR COMPANY.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL,

KEVIN

(Editor's Note: This sounds like that same Nigerian guy who always tries to
send me piles of cash. You know I thought somebody had been praying for me,
because when I took a shit this morning it looked just like the Virgin
Mary.)

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Peace over and under