ELECTION 08 - INCOMPENTENCE vs. INCONTINENCE (Barack Obama John McCain)
I WASHED MY ASS TODAY, JUST IN CASE
NOT AN ACCURATE REPRESENTATION OF WHITE PEOPLE
RUB ONE OUT
YOU ARE A CREATION OF GOD WHEN HE WAS ON METH
IF I PAY YOUR TAB ITS NOT TECHNICALLY PROSTITUTION
BABY NOT MIDGET DO NOT TOSS
BRAND NEW TORSOPANTS!
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
BROS BEFORE HOES
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
FUCKING CLASSY
WHO NEEDS BIG TITS? WHEN YOU HAVE AN ASS LIKE THIS
WHITE FLOUR!
I INVENTED A NEW DRINKING GAME - ITS CALLED DRINK TILL YOU'LL FUCK ME
MY LIFE IS A VERY COMPLICATED DRINKING GAME

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We are having a 25% off sale on everything on our site including shirts that we no longer sell. Does that sound retarded? Well of course it does! It's the first annual Special Olympics Sail and it's chock full of retarded savings! It may be retarded, but it's true. We have opened up the T-Shirt Hell vault and we are once again selling some of our limited edition shirts. These are some of the classic shirts that are no longer on the site.

There is only a very limited amount of each design available, and each design is available in a limited number of sizes and styles. This sale is only open to Members of the T-Shirt Hell site so if you want to take advantage of it you must be signed in to your member's account. If you're not already a member sign up now.

If you are signed in to your members account when you make your purchase, you will receive the discount automatically. If you're not signed in, you will not get the discount and we will run your dumb ass over with a short yellow school bus. The sale will go from Monday, June 30th through Sunday, July 6th. The following week we will make these shirts available to the general public. So take advantage of your head start and make sure you get the good ones this week before those losers get a crack at them. Yay, you're all winners!

If you're not already a member sign up now. CLICK HERE

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

Happy Independence Day. That was directed at Americans, of course. For the rest of you...uh...go fuck a goat, I guess. Or you can emulate everybody's favorite country and have your own celebration this July 4. Celebrate alongside America as we live it up even as we continue our downward spiral and will soon have our global position usurped by China. U - S - A! U - S - A! U - S - A!

The world lost a legendary comedian and a trailblazer in every sense of the word last week when George Carlin passed away at the age of 71. And in honor of Mr. Carlin, I have a little message for all those who still attempt to stifle free speech and censor artists: You mother f**king c**ks**kers can eat my s**t and lick my dirty c**t.

With Election Day drawing near, Senators Obama and McCain should be choosing their running mates any day now. And if either of them are reading this, and I know they aren't, I'd like to make a suggestion. Gentlemen (assholes), please put aside your partisan leanings and do what's best for this country. Please, either of you, make your running mate a retarded midget. As long as the VP is worthless he may as well be funny.

Speaking of retarded midgets, apparently there's a sex tape starring Vern "Mini-Me" Troyer making it's rounds on the internet. I know it sounds disgusting, but in my defense I thought I was fucking a baby.

Bill Clinton is likely to meet with Barack Obama in the next few days. He is expected to publicly lend his support, and privately pass along the phone number of Monica Lewinsky. Said Obama, “I like big butts and I can not lie.”

Steven Tyler has checked himself out of rehab. Tyler said he had no choice but to get sober because Amy Winehouse has taken literally all of the drugs in the world.




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In case all the ads for amazing car deals hadn't clued you in, Independence Day is almost here. I think I speak for most Americans when I say "Who gives a shit?" I don't mean to sound unpatriotic, it's just that the Fourth of July has been the same old song and dance for the past several decades. An overcooked hot dog, a sparkler and an M-80 up a cat's ass just aren't cutting it anymore. Which is why I suggest we change things up a bit this year.

Let's face it, we need something to rekindle our appreciation for this country. It took two planes slamming into the largest buildings in America to even make us FEIGN patriotism. And even that only lasted a year or two. They say you don't know what you got 'til it's gone; well that is especially true when it comes to our freedom. That's why this year, I propose we start enslaving Americans.

Here's the idea: Each year, starting on July 4, we enslave a different segment of the population to make them appreciate the freedom they would normally have. I suggest we start with black people for a couple reasons. #1- We already did it once so it should be a smooth transition. #2 - If ever anyone needed to understand the struggles of his ancestors it's a guy with jewels in his mouth and spinners on his car (Incidentally, while it's true I am black; I'm exempt because I thought of this).

Next year we'll move onto Middle Eastern Americans. Then the Latinos and so on and so forth down my color chart. We're looking at white slaves around 2013 (to be immediately followed by albinos).

I'm sorry it had to come to this, but I think people have actually grown uncomfortable with freedom because they feel like it robs them of purpose. It's so bad they complain about the fact that pot isn't legal, even though we can smoke it pretty much whenever we want. Seriously, hippie...is that the best you got? Stop manufacturing fights and enjoy your freedom. That's the point of fighting for a cause in the first place. It's not supposed to be busy work, it's supposed to be the catalyst for some form of change.

But nothing really needs changing anymore. You can disagree with that all you want, but we currently have so many freedoms it borders on hedonism. We're living in a country where you can get all-you-can-eat pizza for half an hour's pay right before going to the mall for a nose-piercing and an Evil Dead figurine. If that isn't freedom I don't know what the fuck is.

Sure, a lot of people have it bad these days, but the bottom line is that they have the freedom to change their situation. In the old days a slave would get his goddamn foot cut off if he tried to leave the plantation. You, on the other hand, can change your situation if you really want to. Don't like your job? Grow a pair and get a different one. Don't like your religion? Stop going to church. Don't like your kids? Kill them and dump them in a vat of lye.

The point is, you have the freedom to change whatever you want about your life. The problem is that you all expect your politicians or your employers or your religious leaders to do the changing for you. Guess what? They have the right to be greedy cunts just like you have the right to be whatever you want to be. I know how much the cool kids hate the idea of conforming, but you have to conform to society. Society is too fucking big to conform to someone as insignificant as you.

I don't waste energy fighting for yet another right we don't need. I revel in our current freedoms. All these "socially conscious" assholes call people like me apathetic just because we recognize fighting is no longer necessary. We are simply reaping the benefits of the change our forefathers ushered in in the 1860's and 1960's. It's not that we don't appreciate their sacrifice, we're just not going to keep fighting battles they've already won.

In summation, get ready for the shackles and prepare to love this country again. God bless my vagina! And if he has time, America.

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MOO!
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-----Original Voicemail-----

From: Mike
Sent: Friday, June 27, 2008

Editor's Note: I usually don't do this, but I am going to have to agree with this complaint. We need to pull that "1630" shirt immediately. I mean, it doesn't even make sense. 1630 means 4:30 p.m. in military time, so what is exactly is the joke?

Oh wait...we don't have a "1630" shirt you fucking cock-tonguer. Why don't you find out what you're bitching about before you call customer service? This is like that time I complained about how my Vietnamese hooker's urine tasted. Well, when I found out she was Laotian...boy was my face red (actually yellow and salty, but you know what I mean).

And you can dispute it all you want, but this shirt IS who our "guys" are right now. That's why they're cool and you're a dick. They're all puffing on their camouflage bongs right now and laughing their balls off at this shirt. Meanwhile, your sober ass is chatting in forums with your buddies like a goddamn sewing circle and complaining about pot jokes. Get the fuck over yourself. Semper Fi. That means "lick my crack," right?

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-----Original Submission-----

From: Dan R.
Sent: Friday, June 27, 2008

Dearest Faggots,

I can't believe you're selling American Apparel shirts now. Are they soft? Yes. But you guys are supposed to be an edgy, offensive t-shirt company that despises pretentious pricks and hippies. And now you're buying your shirts from a fucking swarming hive of dirty, self-righteous urban hippies. What the fuck is that?

If I'm buying a shirt that calls the people reading it fucking cunts, why would I want it to look "vintage." That's fucking stupid. Just because all of the other hipster T-shirt companies sell American Apparel shirts DOES NOT mean you should. Fucking shit.

Editor's Note: Despise? We don't despise anyone. We just don't care about anyone. Would I LIKE to see a hippie get stomped to death? Not particularly. It'd be cool to watch, but whether or not the person being stomped is a hippie is irrelevant. Black/white, gay/straight, Mexican/not stinky - as long as it's not me, it doesn't matter who's being stomped.

More to the point, it doesn't matter where money comes from. Whether it comes from your average Joe Six-pack or a crooked cop who sells guns to inner-city youths, it all gets me the same blow.

By the way, it should be noted that American Apparel is not "a bunch of hippies." They are businessmen like any other. They have simply chosen to present you with the image of a socially conscious corporation so they can extract money from an untapped segment of the population. And you may want to sit down for this one, but the CEO of Aunt Jemima is NOT a sassy, black lady.

I, on the other hand, am a sassy, black lady. But how many of you would've guessed I'm also a self-loathing cunt who tries to fill the void in her life with meaningless sex and cheap whiskey? All of you? Well kiss my Nubian grits!

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-----Original Message-----

From: Andrew
Sent: Saturday, June 28, 2008

I just wanted to let you guys know your shirts suck now a days. They used to be witty and funny, now they're just fucking stupid. You really had a good thing going for a while though. Take care.

Editor's Note: Oh you silly boy (with a vagina). Our shirts haven't changed. They are just as [adjective] as they ever were. YOU are the one who has changed. It's something we encounter quite frequently.

Without realizing it, a person undergoes some kind of change (intellectual, moral, underwear) and they feel as though the world around them has changed. Well, the world hasn't changed and neither have we. In fact, we resist change at all turns (Vote McCain!). The world still sucks and we still kick ass. You have simply become a different person. That's my polite way of saying you're a fag.

It happened in this instance and it'll happen again. Try this: Make a list of everything you currently enjoy (CSI Miami, Budweiser, purple dildos) and put it away. Look at it a couple years from now. None of it will have changed, but I guarantee you won't feel the same way about it. Your perspective changes even as things in your life retain the same quality. You know what that means? You should kill yourself.

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does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Submission-----

From: psychobilly*** @ ***.com
Sent: Sunday, June 29, 2008

You need to pull that "It's 1620 somewhere" shirt now! It is inaccurate and demeaning to the brave men and women fighting the good fight. I like a lot of your shirts, but this one has gone too far. If you keep it on your site, stand by for a shit-storm...

Editor's Note: I receive a shit-storm every Saturday night. I pay Michelle an extra $20 for that. But seriously...it's more like $50.

Which is why I was thrilled to see this guy's threat. Here we are a couple weeks after we put up that shirt and - surprise surprise - not only have I not received a shit-storm, I haven't even received a urine-storm.

I'm really just not getting this idea that we're demeaning the troops with this shirt. If ever a group of people needed pot it's the military. We're talking about people we call on to kill and have appendages blown off, and you don't even want to afford them the luxury of getting baked? I get to (and do) smoke pot and all I have to do is respond to spermbags like you all day.

Here's an idea: Go tell a bunch of guys with PTSD they can't smoke pot anymore and see how long it takes them to relieve their stress in a different form, i.e., punching you in the face until their hands are covered in brain.

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[Fuck Thee Well]

Great minds think alike. And they're usually thinking about boobies.

Peace

 

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