The Early July Thing
Happy Independence Day, losers. Or happy random Tuesday, depending on which country you live in. I'd also like to wish a very heartfelt "Happy Independence Day" to my fellow African-Americans. We've only had about 140 compared to the white man's roughly 230, so it means a little more to us. But civil rights didn't kick in until the 60's, so if you think about it, we've really only had about 40-45 Independence Days. But I don't hold grudges. We had to gain our freedom from you just as you had to gain your freedom from the British. I just hope we draw the line there. Because I can tell you that as an African-American, we are not ready to grant Asian midgets their freedom.
Also, Star Jones just left The View. First Meredith and now Star. The expression "rats from a sinking ship" comes to mind, but having seen the show, I think the expression "cunts from shitty talk show" is more appropriate.
Did You Just Lose a Baby to SIDS? I Prescribe These New Shirts
In my opinion (which will hereafter be known as fact), this latest group of new shirts is one of our best ever. Not only do we have our usual mix of funny/offensive shirts, but we've also added shirts that touch on serious issues. From America's attitude concerning a female president to how we can fix the gas crisis, these shirts will change the world. And this time, for the better.
All of our new shirts are here:
Ban Gay Marriage, Flag Burning and Macaroni Art
There are a lot of things I find immoral, and a lot more things I just plain don't like, and every single one of them should be banned. The government has done a lot to support my cause. They have introduced bills to ban gay marriage and flag burning all in an effort to support and protect my personal feelings. They may not have successfully passed these bills, but at least they are opening up public debate. You know the kind of debate I'm talking about. The kind where one side is absolutely right and there's no room for a differing opinion. Now that's what I call a democracy.
But despite all of the government's efforts to ban a few things I don't like, I can't help but be disappointed by the fact that they're not trying to ban EVERYTHING I don't like. Maybe they just aren't aware of everything I disapprove of. If that's the case, I'll help them out by mentioning a few things I don't like and explaining why they should be banned. The first thing that's got to go is macaroni art. It may seem harmless, but I find it to be a waste of food and another excuse for kids to stop posing for internet photos. So, just like with gay marriage and flag burning, I'm asking the government to step in and turn my opinion into law. Let's go, you Washington fat-cats. Get off your lazy asses and ban macaroni art.
The next thing to go has to be cabbage. I'm sure someone out there eats cabbage, but I don't, so why keep it around? Cabbage is just lettuce's retarded cousin. And before people are all up in arms about cabbage farmers, let me say something. I like onions. You can just grow onions in place of cabbages and you'll do just fine. We all like onions. By which I mean I like onions and that's all that matters.
And while banning the burning of the American flag is a great idea, it simply doesn't go far enough. Not only should it be illegal to burn the American flag, but U.S. citizens should be required by law to burn the flags of other countries. Anyone can just sit there and not burn the American flag, but it takes real chutzpah to force your citizens to burn the flags of other nations. (By the way, I'm also trying to ban use of the word "chutzpah," I just figured I'd use it while I still can.)
Similarly, straight marriage should be made mandatory. Sure, gay marriage is an abomination, but allowing perfectly good straight people to go to waste by remaining single is just as immoral. Couples will be matched by age and proximity. If, by some crazy chance, this means a 40-year-old man marries an eight-year-old girl, then so be it. As long as the combination is male/female it is perfectly moral. And while we're on the subject, divorce will no longer be granted. Even if your spouse dies, in the eyes of the law you will still be married to his or her lifeless body. This may seem unfair, but today you want to divorce a corpse, tomorrow some woman wants to divorce her husband because he beats her. It's a slippery slope.
Those are just a few ways I think the government should make everyone be as much like me as possible, but I have so many more ideas. Here's a brief rundown of bans, mandates and whatever else I feel should be a law. 1 - Red grapes will no longer be allowed. If you can't handle green or purple you can go fuck yourself. 2 - Fjords. In fact, all things that contain a soft j have to go. 3 - Shadows. I'm not sure how we could go about banning shadows, but seriously, it's been long enough. 4 - Silent prayer. If you don't have the balls to pray out loud you shouldn't have the right to do it at all. 5 - Nieces and nephews. Babies aren't aware of the fact that they've just become a niece or nephew, but that's no excuse. They must be destroyed the very moment they are born.
I have plenty more, but I think we should get started on this list before I go any farther. Thanks for your time. Now be sure to do all that is in your power to make this the country that I, and I alone, want it to be. Oh, I almost forgot. No more Asians.
You Got Your Hate in My Peanut Butter! Mmm...Delicious
From: Jack A.
Sent: Tuesday, May 16, 2006 7:38 AM
G'day, I'm a christian. I don't want to waste too much of your time so I'll be brief. I appreciate the fact that there are at least some people out there who realise that God doesn't care too much about people hanging shit on him. I'm tipping that his more concerned about what we do to each other and how we genuinely feel about each other than shit that's written on a T-shirt. That being said, you would have to be a pretty inconsiderate person to wear some of the more blatantly offensive t-shirts that you sell. People shouldn't get pissed off over a shirt, but they do. And if you wear a shirt for the principal cause of upsetting people, than you've probably got some serious shit to work out in your own head. By the way, I'd like to say that all religions are damaged by hypocritical believers. So I hope you don't stereotype Christians as being the type of people to believe in a message of love and goodwill while simultaneously espousing hate-filled ideals. I have read some of your hate mail and was particularly disapointed to witness the the sheer hate contained by people who would otherwise be called christians.
Have a nice day.
(Editor's Note: Pretty sneaky, Jack. You pull me in by saying that you're going to be brief and then you sucker punch me with roughly 20 lines of retarded. If you truly intended to keep it brief you would've just written "I'm the bag that they put all the other used douche-bags in" and left it at that. But no, you lure me in with promises of brevity and then ramble on longer than the woman that caught me spork-raping her son in a Denny's bathroom.
But allow me to overlook the length of your email and respond to the actual message contained therein. You're a fucking idiot. Of course people are going to wear these shirts to upset people. That's 75% of the fun. If people wanted these jokes to make themselves laugh they could just write it on a piece of paper and save their money. Making others feel awkward and/or uncomfortable is funny, plain and simple. T-shirts have become the perfect way to say something to an idiot without actually having to talk to them. So forgive us if we want to piss someone off rather than express our love of "more cowbell" or quote whatever shitty, overrated comedy came out two years ago.
As to why we address Christianity more than other religions, it's simple. We work with what we're given. T-Shirt Hell is an American company and America is overwhelmingly Christian. Of course all religions have their fair share of idiots, but seeing as how this is sent out in English rather than Hebrew or Arabic, it just makes more sense to insult people who can read it. I can call a Muslim "Allah's cock wrangler" all I want (which I do), but unless they can read it what's the point? Insulting people that don't get it is pretty spineless. That's why I make sure to bring a translator with me when I visit Thailand.)
From: Ford K.
Sent: Thursday, May 11, 2006 9:51 PM
Subject: Re: The Early May Thing
I love you so much. If only you were a black woman, at least i could jerk off to your imagined image. But, since you're a thirtysomething Jewish guy, I can only wish that my forbears had done their job better.
(Editor's Note: I get this from time to time and I have no idea why. Maybe it's because of my sense of humor. Sorry to break it to you, but there are black chicks out there whose idea of good comedy isn't the most recent piece of shit Martin Lawrence made or reruns of "Moesha." I'd hate to think people have such a stereotypical view of black women that they'd believe I'm a Jewish man before they'd believe I write what I do.
The fact of the matter is, I like classic comedy. I enjoy the Marx Brothers, Monty Python and watching babies get slammed against brick walls. If that makes me Jewish go ahead and call me Kikey McHooknose. I just pray that one day people will stop stereotyping each other and accept that anyone can enjoy good comedy. Having said that, I like fried chicken, crack and I have kids just so I can get extra money from the government.)
From: Sharon F.
Sent: Wednesday, May 24, 2006 5:01 PM
I was interested in buying your t-shirts for fun and give to friends and co-workers who have a sense of humor, but I have changed my mind you are rude and it makes no sense for you to say that American Afrikan Americans eat watermelon, Only. I don't eat watermelon. So I will remove my name from your emailing list.
"Dance like no one is watching and Love like you've never been hurt"
(Editor's Note: You may think I'm upset because it appears as if we've lost a customer, but that's not the case. Losing someone like this as a potential customer just saves us later headaches. Now we don't have to deal with her trying to pay us with Monopoly money smeared with peanut butter. The only thing I regret is that since she's off the emailing list I can't tell her how irrelevant she is.
Whenever someone tries to stick it to us by telling us we've lost their business, it makes me wonder if they apply these rules to all businesses. At the risk of sounding like a hack stand-up comic, if she found out a Wal-Mart employee was racist, would she stop shopping there? I guarantee you, no matter what the company, they have some employees you disagree with on one level or another. Is she going to stop paying her gas bill because the company has a racist employee? No, of course not.
I suppose comparing a t-shirt company to a gas company makes for a pretty flimsy argument, but my point remains the same. She's a retarded cunt. But she is right about the watermelon crack. It wasn't right of me to assume all black people eat watermelon. I just figured that since I do, we all do. But it's apparent that she doesn't, as watermelon contains nutrients that help feed the brain. So my apologies, madam. Now back to eating paint chips and used tampons from retarded girls.)
From: mcar*** @ com***.net
Sent: Thursday, June 01, 2006 12:00 AM
Subject: T-shirt Idea
Dear T-shirt hell,
I sent an idea for a t-shirt to you guys earlier this year. I think it was about 3 months ago. My idea was "Rehab Is For Quitters". I was surfing other t-shirt sites on the internet when I suddenly came across MY IDEA! I sent my idea to only tshirthell.com and nowhere else! How is my t-shirt idea, one of the most popular items, on a different website? I really hope you guys didn't go as low as to sell my shirt idea to another company. I have to say that I have loved your website since I first saw it and I've always enjoyed reading the e-mails of some of the simple minded idiots who don't have a sense of humor complaining about the shirts, but please, if you sold my idea all I would like is the $200 and the ten free t-shirts promised in a written terms of agreement contract that i agreed to. I have no wish to proceed with legal action, but both my parents are lawyers and I don't want it to come to that. Thank you very much for your time and hilarious t-shirts.
(Editor's Note: This one is stupid on so many levels that I hardly know where to begin. First, he thinks a joke as old as the idea of rehab itself is his original thought. Here's an idea Eric: build a time machine, travel back in time about 100 years and you might be one of the first one million people to make that joke. And for future reference, Eric, the following jokes are not yours either. "Take my wife...please," "I'm not as think as you drunk I am," and "Mean people suck, nice people swallow."
Second, I like that he thinks we'd take his idea and sell it to another t-shirt company. Yeah, that's how business works. When a company thinks they've found a good product they sell it to a rival company. We also sold the idea for the Corvette to Chevrolet and sold the idea for the iPod to Apple. Which is bad enough, but then we went and sold the idea of fucking mentally challenged goats to your dad.
Lastly, just because your parents bought "World's greatest lawyer" mugs doesn't make them lawyers. But in the off chance that your parents truly are lawyers, I suggest that they sue God for cursing them with pile of douche and stupidity and calling it their son. It'll be a slam dunk for them. Unless they're as smart as you. In that case they probably couldn't even have convicted OJ. That seems like a dated reference, but I'm guessing I'm the first person to make an OJ joke.)
And We Lived Happily Ever After...You Know, Until We Found Out It Was Malignant
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away." Yeah, why don't you try telling that to my dead son? I wish I'd known he was allergic to apples.