07/05/03


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New Shirts:
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This one is for religious ravers on E:
http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=237

This one is for those who loved our Worse Than Hell section,
which is OFFICIALLY BACK!!!:

http://www.tshirthell.com/worsethanhell.htm

Join the Hollywood A-list with this super trendy item!
When the stars aren't busy puking up their Zone diets,
injecting ass fat in their lips, or botox in their foreheads,
you can bet they're sending their minimum wage assistants all
over LA in search of this overpriced brand. You can get
yours from us at a fraction of the price, and you won't have
to suck our dicks to get one! (Just kidding, you will.)

The most popular signature celebrity brand since the last most
popular signature celebrity brand.

http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=235

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FUQ (Frequently Unasked Questions):
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While most websites are happy to answer Frequently Asked
Questions, here at T-Shirt Hell we dare to go the extra mile
and answer one of the most Frequently Unasked Questions, or FUQ
for short.

"Why are some shirts retired, and where do they go?"

We retire shirts at T-Shirt Hell when they get old and can no
longer perform like they used to. If we leave them in the
general t-shirt population, they tend to get sodomized by the
newer, fresher shirts. So instead, they go to our T-Shirt Hell
Ranch in Montana where they can frolic and gambol in the broad
meadows and drink from crystal clear waters.

Once a month, we bring a group of disadvantaged children to the
ranch. Once the t-shirts have had a good laugh at their expense,
we load the children back on their buses and ship them back to
their sordid lives. Except for the lucky children who are chosen
to go to the T-Shirt Hell Fun Town, where they get the honor of
making our fine shirts, 14 hours a day, everyday, for the rest of
their short, miserable lives.

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Aunt Jeremy's Thoughts:
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A few weeks ago, Time magazine had a cover article entitled,
"Should Christians Convert Muslims?" A better question would have
been, "Should We Place Plastic Bags Over Our Heads?" Why must we
strip foreigners of their own culture and way of life? Can't they
keep what's theirs without fighting?

What is the goal of all this anyway? Are we colonizing the middle
east so that one day we can have a Baptist church near every well,
and an Old Navy in Azerbaijan? "Have you been to the TGI Friday's
in Marrakesh?. Definitely better than the one in Riyadh!" In twenty
years, won't it be depressing to travel to Qatar only to find that
it's not very much different than Plano, Texas?

There's only one good reason to extend our sphere of influence in
the middle east. We need to diversify our porno industry. Sure,
we've all seen a Caucasian midget fuck a cat, but how many Arab
midgets have you seen fuck a vulture? I know I want to see twin
Indonesian lesbians play with Komodo dragons.

To sum up, as far as this war is concerned, it's a complicated
issue, but until I see six swarthy women in a row sucking off
camels, I stand firmly against it. And if you are Christian, and
you take offense to this article, please heed the words of a much
more maligned and insightful comedian than I, Bill Hicks, and
forgive me.

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T-Shirt Hell's New Products*: *(not really)
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Tshirthell Hoods: The enormously positive reaction to our new line
of hoodies (link) has given us a woody almost as big as the one we
got at the zoo. We don't know exactly why you like them so much: it
could be how they hide your morbid obesity, or how they facilitate
your anonymous-mugging hobby or even the way they fit into your
gay-sex-with-Eminem fantasies. But maybe, just maybe it's something
a little bit more meaningful. Maybe, just maybe it's how they hide
your accelerating male pattern baldness. In fact, we're willing to
bet on it, and that's why we're introducing our new line of T-Shirt
Hell Hoods. All of the hood, none of the bulky sweatshirt. Just
$xxx. That's right, we'll do all the work of removing the sweatshirt
from your hood, for just $5 more than a regular hoody.

Tshirthell Hairnets: Since most of our customers already own more
than a few of these, we recognize that this is a risky business
venture, but we're hoping familiarity has made you into true hairnet
connoisseurs. Constructed of the finest nylon a very small amount of
money can buy, these 'nets can be printed with almost any Tshirthell
slogan available. Think about it: next time you're ejaculating into
a hot deep-fryer in a 120-degree food-prep area or ejaculating into
the ranch dressing in an ice-cold walk-in, why not make a statement?
If you need something to set yourself apart from all the other
employees who have ejaculated in your restaurants' food products, you
know who to cum on . Or, uh, to.

Tshirthell Trucker Hats: Oh, yeah, we know about you damned hipster
fucks. We know all about you. We know you're wearing our most
offensive shirts around campus with that condescending smirk. And as
soon as you finish your MFA and move to Brooklyn to start your band,
we know you'll try to fuck with the tourists by wearing our shirts
into Manhattan on your way in to your day job at the web design shop.
And we know that there's nothing you'd like more in the world than to
compliment your $200 looks-like-vintage jeans and rectangular glasses
by covering your fauxhauk with an expensive piece-of-shit hat and
subtly mocking people who have actually worked a single day in their
lives. So here you go. One slogan and one slogan only: "I fucking
suck (and I'm not being ironic)."

Tshirthell Yarmulkes: Shomer fucking shabbas.

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Fan Mail:
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----- Original Message -----
From: Danielle
Sent: Friday, July 18, 2003 8:56 AM

Please take the shirts about God off of your website. As Christians we
find this very offensive. Be careful, a lawsuit could come your way.

Danielle

(editor's Note: nice to know that really smart people like Danielle still exist in
this ignorrant world)

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----- Original Message -----
From: Hunny*****@aol.com
Sent: Thursday, June 26, 2003 1:15 PM
Subject: (no subject)

you have the t-shirt "I think, therefore I'm single" and have the nerve
to piss and moan about people's "unfunny" submissions? Gimme a fucking
break. You're about as bad ass as Avril Levine

(editor's Note: Avril Levine's cousin's uncle's father in law is satan
himself, and if that's not bad ass, we don't know what is.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: "Calvin" <****124@yahoo.com>
Sent: Monday, July 21, 2003 3:22 AM
Subject: You suck dick

And big dick at that. Assholes.

(editor's Note: Considering that we are all female, we appreciate the props
you have given us for hanging with guys who can hang with horses. Why would
we settle for anything less?)

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Until next time...We hope you keep your head lice in check and hope that
next time you eat one of your best friend's dirty little assholes, that
you can still remain friends. Oh and check out the new Swearbear site...

http://www.swearbear.com

Peace in.