In early July, Canada celebrates Canada Day, the United States celebrates Independence Day, and in England they celebrate "Boy Did We Get Our Asses Handed To Us, Aren't We A Great Bunch of Poofs" Day. I'm just kidding. That's every day in Jolly Olde England.
[Shirts as Fresh as an Open Wound]
We have 2 new shirts this week. One reminds you to have fun in the sun, and one is all about the rainbow. Because next to finding runaways, scarring them with acid, dressing them up as pirates, and forcing them to fight to the
death: rainbows are my favorite thing in the whole world!
All of our new shirts are here:
If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.
[My Money Won't Buy You Happiness, So You Can't Have It]
July 4th is Independence Day, a super important American holiday dedicated to freedom. To celebrate, Americans enjoy lighting off cheap fireworks that are manufactured by chain-smoking Chinese children dressed in oil soaked rags, employed as slave labor. But that's not my point.
I celebrate my independence by being independently wealthy, and nothing makes me happier. That's why I love to help other people gain their independence. In other words, I'm not going to just give people my money. That way, they can learn to be more independent just like me.
I hate when people have little card tables set up outside of supermarkets and stores, and they want me to give them money. They don't even provide any entertainment. They don't take their tops off, or do a little dance. They are always collecting for some children's sports team or church.
You never see the Mets sitting at a little folding table begging for change.
Clearly they are better at managing their finances than you and your child's crappy sports team. If you want to raise money for your child's sports team, then do what real sports teams do. You should charge admission and sell over priced merchandise, and concessions. If no one is willing to pay to watch your kids play, then they are not worth watching. And if they're not worth watching why the fuck should I support them? That's un-American. Pump your kid full of steroids so they get super strong, and angry. I would pay to see hulking 9 year olds fight each other with bats. You're not up for that? Then if you still want your clumsy, feeble minded kid to play, then you pay for it. Or just give him a balled up newspaper and let him go play in the park, or the street. There's no charge for that.
You never see Scientologists begging for money. That's because their church is awesome. You join their church and you can bang a hot young actress.
John Travolta will give you a ride in one of their spaceships. They let you bounce up and down on Kirstie Alley's giant tummy. Tom Cruise will even suck your dick. That's why people pay to belong to that church. I bet your church sucks. What do I get if I belong to your church? I get to go to heaven? Can I just pay a certain amount, or do I still have to be a good person? I still have to be a good person? Then fuck you I'm keeping my money until I find a God willing to make a deal.
You say they're not begging? Don't get me started on people selling $2 candy bars outside of a grocery store where the same candy bar is 50 cents.
Oh, they're holding a raffle? Fuck you and your raffle. If I want to gamble, I'll continue to have unprotected sex with my 14 year old first cousin. I'll try to steal a French fry from Starr Jones. I'll take career advice from Sandra Bullock. Or here's an idea. I'll buy a ticket from a legitimate, regulated lottery where I can win a couple million dollars. Your $5000 grand prize sucks more than Jenny McCarthy during pilot season. $5000? I spent $5000 a month to heat my dog's house. Why does it cost so much to heat it? I heat it by sending it to Tahiti.
Why can't your God give you money? Isn't he, I don't know, God? Isn't this the same guy who can turn water into wine; that can part the Red Sea, that can provide 47 virgins if you blow up a hot dog cart? He can't kick in a couple bucks? Is all of his money tied up in harp tuning, white robe alterations, and pearly gate maintenance?
Don't turn your kid into a beggar, unless you live in Calcutta. Then by all
means let him follow you into the family business. If your kid wants to
play on a sports team and you can't afford it, send him to work in the fireworks factory. He won't earn enough money for a uniform, but he'll probably be blinded or maimed in one of their frequent, unreported accidents. Then sports of any kind will be out of the question.
[Hot Summer Hate]
----- Original Message -----
From: Maya M.
Sent: Thursday, June 30, 2005 4:06 AM
Subject: An Order
Whoever it may be:
I want the T-shirt with wordings KORAN on it to be removed from your site immediately. If it is not removed within 24 hours you have to face the consequences.
IT IS NOT A WARNING IT'S AN ORDER
(Editor's Note: You're giving me an order? And you're only giving me 24 hours? Come on Maya, the big Fourth of July weekend is coming up and I still need to buy an outfit! Plus, I need to buy 6 dozen hot dogs as well as food for my barbecue. How about a compromise? We keep selling the shirt and you come to my barbecue where we'll gut you, roast you on a spit, and feed you to the kids? Or we can tie you to tree and let the kids use you as a pinata? Well that doesn't sound very American. I think we may have to just bury your head in the sand and use your ass and cunt to launch Roman candles. Of course the real reason I have to refuse your "order" is that we only accept orders through our secure online shopping cart. Safety first!)
----- Original Message -----
From: mgwash*** @ ***.net
Sent: Saturday, June 25, 2005 11:53 PM
Subject: Get this T Shirt Expressing Black Babies off your website
Please get this racist stuff off your website! It is extremely offences!
Thank you and my God Bless You!
(Editor's Note: Mgwash, it would be unfair to all of the other races and religions that we delight in making fun of, to remove the shirt about Black Babies. If we did, you would probably cry racism because yours was the only race that was left out. And we pride ourselves at making fun of everyone equally. I believe it was Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. who said, "I have a dream that one day a t-shirt will be judged not just by the number of colors it is available in, (we offer over 30) but by the cotton content of the fabric (ours are 100% cotton). So you see, we are just following the wishes of Dr. King, and I suggest you do the same.)
----- Original Message -----
From: "Jake C."
Sent: Sunday, June 26, 2005 1:27 AM
Subject: hate mail
Usually I don't find anything you do offensive, but I think flaming that poor girl who wanted a Honda baby shirt in the hate mail section of the newsletter was a little inappropriate. You should probably limit the roasting to those people that actually send hate mail, instead of possible customers that ask harmless (albeit naive) questions. Just a thought.
(Editor's Note: Oh Jake you're so gallant, and noble. You're like a gimp in shining armor. You're defending the poor little semi retarded girl who wrote in to the last newsletter. I bet when she sees your email she'll track you down and give you lots of wet kisses and scads of hugs! You probably want to give her a quick rinse before you get into any real action, though. You know how sticky the retarded, and semi retarded can be. Jake, we didn't mean to offend you. We'll be sure to run all of our comedy past you in the future.)
----- Original Message -----
From: <for_god_lives @ ***.com>
Sent: Saturday, June 25, 2005 9:56 AM
Subject: your t-shirts
It's one thing if adults want to wear disgusting things across their chest.
Adults can make their own decisions. It's quite another when you put that stuff on a helpless little baby. I find it so sad that there are people out there who make fun of hell like this. If you've spent much time in a church or reading the bible you'd know hell is no laughing matter. It is a word that is thrown around much too loosely in our society. I wish people could find a better way to make money than by making jokes about a place that none of us can even fathom. I just feel bad for the babys born to people who would do that to them.
I do support free speech and I'm sorry someone attempted to kill you. That is insane. Adults should be able to do and say what they feel pretty much.
It's the babys I feel for. There are a lot of morons out there who have babys who have no parenting skills.
It's just not right to exploit a baby.
Believe me, this life is short. We should all be more concerned with our next life, which is to last an eternity. We can't take our"riches" with us. We are all children to the one high God and He wants us with him when we pass on to the next life. The prospect of Heaven is so much better than Hell. That is why I'm more concerned with the next life than how much I have while I'm here.
I hope you are too. We all deserve the chance to go to Heaven and be with our God. I'm not a religious holy roller. I am not trying to preach to you. I'm sorry if I offended you. I just felt the need to drop you a line just in case you don't know Jesus because that's what good people are supposed to do. (spread the word) I don't like to throw around the word Christian, that is why I said good people instead. Too many people use that word and it means nothing to them. I think that's pretty sad. It has lost it's meaning to a lot of the world because of this. Anyway, good luck to you in life here and the next. God bless,
For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son that whosever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16
If you died today, do you know where you would go? Believe in Him and live eternally in heaven.
(Editor's Note: Yes, truly there are few things more exploitive than putting a baby in a clean t-shirt with a funny saying on it. Surely it will cause this child, who is probably damned the moment it touches their skin, to grow up and be a serial killer, a pedophile, or an ornithologist. Babies are the same creatures known for projectile vomiting and slathering themselves with their own feces. I think babies love to be offensive.
I'm tired of people trying to get me into Heaven. I don't think I'd like it there. I don't think I'd know anybody. They say it is easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle than to get a rich man into heaven. OK, that settles it. I don't want to go to heaven if it's all poor people. I won't know anybody, except for Hector my gardener. I like Hector, but I think we've already exhausted our entire conversation potential when we discussed just how much we both liked the Taco Bell Club Chalupa. I'd rather be in Hell with all of my friends and loyal customers. And why are religious people always quoting John in 316? I know Tony, who lives in 317, and it's literally across the hall. He said John is a complete douchebag who kills kittens with his bare hands, and sits with the door open wearing a beret, and masturbating to the Disney Channel.)
----- Original Message -----
From: "Philip Hapel" <email@example.com>
Sent: Friday, June 24, 2005 2:23 PM
Dear Mr. Schwarz:
Please remove me from your mailing list. I regret having purchased from your site long ago, well before the advent of Worse Than Hell. I have not emailed in the past for fear of retribution on your part. I would not put it beyond you or your company to somehow see to it that I receive additional spam.
I hope you will again see the error of your ways and pull the most offensive of your shirts. You strike me as a reasonably intelligent person, and I do applaud your contributions to charities; however in this case particularly, the end does not justify the means. Symbols and speech that cultivate hate should not be encouraged. Constitutionally protected, possibly, but not endorsed.
(Editor's Note: Thank-you so much for your letter. It was so thoughtful
of you to acknowledge our potential for reasonable intelligence. I can assure you that I am reasonably sure we will not take any retribution against you. That would be very petty and immature. I am reasonably sure I removed your email address before publishing your email in our monthly newsletter which is read by over 1 million subscribers who would probably add it to every email list they could find. But since I am only reasonably intelligent, like Aaron, I can't be 100% sure.)
Go on get out of here. Go play in the sprinkler.