Well, well, well... Death has certainly been a busy little beaver the past couple weeks. He went from a fat old guy to an aging formerly hot chick to creepy pop star to annoying infomercial guy to big-nosed old actor. I think the Grim Reaper's hitting the sauce kinda hard these days. What's next, is someone gonna kill a Jonas brother and throw him through the chest of Betty White?
All this celebrity death leaves us wondering who will be next. And while I can't tell you who it will be, I can say one thing with absolute certainty: Mickey Rooney will be around to piss on their grave.
The U.S. began its pullout from Iraq last week. Oh Iraq... It seems like we're always saying goodbye to each other. Oh well, I guess I'll see you in 10 years when it's time to go through the motions again. But I can't promise I won't invade other countries in the mean time. Take care of yourself.
SC governor Mark Sanford, once a top GOP contender for the White House, ruined his career after an affair with an Argentine journalist. People say this ruined Sanford's reputation, but I think it ruined Argentina's. It used to be this sexy, South American country, and now it's the place where Mark Sanford fucked. Man, this is like finding out Pat Boone goes to Candyland to eat black licorice.
In other "we're fucked" news, unemployment has reached a 26-year high at nearly 10%. Try not to panic. The situation looks bad on paper; but you won't need to worry about that once you resort to eating that paper.
The highly anticipated Bruno is being released this week. You remember Borat? The much-buzzed about movie that made you chuckle twice? Just replace "clueless foreign character" with "clueless gay character." There, wasn't that hilarious?
Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas was recently in an altercation with Perez Hilton at an after-party. Authorities initially charged Will with a hate crime. However, following their interview with Hilton, Will.i.am was charged with first degree "not beating hard or long enough."
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Allow me to fix America's health care system. Democrats and Republicans are currently busy lobbing bad ideas and childish complaints back and forth. As entertaining as this is, it doesn't solve the health care dilemma facing this country. So, once again, here are some solutions that are terrible, but completely worthy of the species.
1. Let people suffer and die - To me, this is Option A. As a wise man once said: Sometimes the best solution is no solution. Okay, so no wise man ever said that, but he would have if he were as lazy as me. The point being, neither the government nor taxpayers nor doctors gave you cancer. So either get God to pony up the dough or shut up and die with dignity, you chromosomal loser.
2. Lottery - Exactly what it sounds like. Anyone in need of medical attention enters their name in a drawing, and once a week each state draws a name at random to see who receives treatment. If the person selected dies while waiting for the drawing, we simply draw again until we get to someone living. And whether you're a brilliant scientist, a captain of industry or an unemployed drunk, you have an equal chance of being selected. After all, "All men are created equal." And according to our beliefs, we remain equal. Even if you end up being a worthless piece of shit.
3. Mandatory Medical Education - This would require all citizens to complete a 6-month course so they can handle their own medical problems. I actually like this plan quite a bit, because unlike our health care system, America's education system is top-notch.
4. Fake Documents For All - Under this plan, the government would distribute fake documents to all Americans so we could take advantage of the universal health care in countries like Canada without actually living in those douche-burgs.
5. The "Best Medicine" Plan - Testing the idea that laughter is the best medicine, this plan will attempt to induce laughter in patients in an effort to cure them. Congress was eager to invoke this plan, but there was a slight hiccup when they discovered that showing the patient footage of Dane Cook resulted in a condition known as "hanging yourself with a belt." They hope the next round of tests will go better, when they show patients episodes of "According to Jim."
6. The "Things Could be Worse" Plan - This will do nothing to improve the patient's condition, but will make them feel better about it. It's simple: If a person comes in with the flu, they are shown a person with herpes. If a person comes in with a broken arm, they are shown a person with AIDS. If a person comes in with cancer, they are shown a pregnant woman.
7. The "Doctor's Discretion" Plan - This plan will cover all Americans, but it will be up to doctors to decide whether or not they want to admit a patient. For example, if the doctor is racist, he gets to decide if he wants to treat a minority. Or if the doctor is a religious nut, he doesn't have to treat homosexuals or assist in the birth of a bastard child. Or the doctor might just want a nap. This is going to be great. Just like going to the post office or DMV.
8. The "Nothing is Your Fault" Plan - This plan will provide full coverage to over-eaters, smokers, alcoholics, people with STDs and anyone else with self-inflicted problems. Because accepting responsibility for your life and facing consequences is the worst disease of all.
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I have heard it said that people who don't care about a subject are the best suited to comment on it, because their opinion will not be clouded by emotion or sentiment. I tend to agree with that, but I believe there is a group even more qualified than the uncaring: the completely ignorant.
Just as the uncaring don't allow their opinions to be altered by feelings, the ignorant don't allow their opinions to be altered by thoughts. Which is why I would like to share with you a letter I recently received. This person offers brilliant solutions to the situation in Iran that only a complete lack of knowledge could provide. Politicians take note.
Iran is a big problem, but I know how to fix it. The first thing we need to do is get rid of that Tim Dong Il guy. This situation is never going to get better as long as he's in power and threatening to fire missiles at the Ukraine. If we don't act now those missiles will be the least of our worries, because you know the second his Godzilla egg hatches he's going to train that thing for evil.
Next we have to get rid of Sudom Husane. Seriously, why has no one killed him? He's been trouble ever since he bought the Iran-Contra guns when he invaded the Bay of Pigs. Then he used mustard gas to make all that napalm he dropped on those kids during the Vietcong War. That caught the eye of Mao Say Tung and, well, you know what happened next. And I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I hear he lives in a spider house now. I shudder to think what he will do now that he's teamed up with a family of spiders. Hopefully they aren't those super-intelligent spiders like in Charlie's Web.
Of course, Israel is the key to the whole thing. The Pope has had a stranglehold on that city ever since he executed the coup to remove the Ayatollah of Khomeini from power. This can be very easily fixed. We just need to storm the Pope's castle and place him under arrest. We'll hold him in the Geneva Convention's prison, known as Gitmo, until we figure out what to do with him. I know the Ayatollah of Khomeini is no longer interested in politics ever since he founded Pinkberry, but I'm pretty sure we can get his junior mayor, Yosser Arfat, to replace the Pope.
I'm not naive enough to think it's as simple as all that. I realize before anything is done in Israel we need to settle the situation on the Pakistan/Hezbollah border. To manage this, it is imperative we remove the Al Qaedas from Taliban, the capital city of Osama bin Laden. Who, as we all know, were responsible for the attacks on Afganistan on 7-11. We have to do these things, all while keeping the religious differences of the region in mind. There are the Sheites, who are Jewish, and the Soonies, who are Muslamic. But with the cooperation of Darfur, I know we can get this done.
But the most pressing issue is Iran's election. The streets of Iran were recently filled with angry Protestants, but what the media isn't telling you is that the neighboring country of Tehran also had a controversial election the same day. This all boils down to whether the people want the sitting king, Mah Mood, or his opponent, Ahmad Inejad, to be king. Americans have strong opinions as to whether or not we should be involved. Personally, I say we ignore that region and stay focused on the Soviet Union. Something big is going to break there any day now, I can just feel it. And when it does, we need to be ready; not chasing the Khmer Rooje all over the continent of the Middle East.
You may dismiss these ideas as the brain-farts of a moron who doesn't know what's going on, but remember: people who know what's going on were the cause of this mess. And as an American it is not only my right but my duty to voice my thoughts on all subjects regardless of how uninformed I am or how disruptive my two cents may be. So be like me and think outside the box. Well, don't think outside the box, but get outside the box and start doing stuff.
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[Go Big or Gonads]
Good things come to those who wait. They come much sooner to those who steal them.