MY BODY IS A TEMPLE - ON YOUR KNEES!
I DIDN'T BUY THIS SHIRT BECAUSE IT SAYS FUCK ON IT. I BOUGHT IT BECAUSE IT SAYS FUCK ON IT TWICE.
I DON'T NEED 140 CHARACTERS TO SAY FUCK YOU
YOU CAN SEE MY DICK FROM SPACE
I TRIED THE SECRET AND ALL I MANIFESTED WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT
POP A SMURF
STRAIGHT
FUCK THE COLORBLIND
 HOPELESS ROMANTIC SEEKS FILTHY WHORE
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
I FUCKING LOVE TO CUDDLE
BLING-BLING
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO IMPRESS NONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS

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newsfromhell

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

Well, well, well... Death has certainly been a busy little beaver the past couple weeks. He went from a fat old guy to an aging formerly hot chick to creepy pop star to annoying infomercial guy to big-nosed old actor. I think the Grim Reaper's hitting the sauce kinda hard these days. What's next, is someone gonna kill a Jonas brother and throw him through the chest of Betty White?

All this celebrity death leaves us wondering who will be next. And while I can't tell you who it will be, I can say one thing with absolute certainty: Mickey Rooney will be around to piss on their grave.

The U.S. began its pullout from Iraq last week. Oh Iraq... It seems like we're always saying goodbye to each other. Oh well, I guess I'll see you in 10 years when it's time to go through the motions again. But I can't promise I won't invade other countries in the mean time. Take care of yourself.

SC governor Mark Sanford, once a top GOP contender for the White House, ruined his career after an affair with an Argentine journalist. People say this ruined Sanford's reputation, but I think it ruined Argentina's. It used to be this sexy, South American country, and now it's the place where Mark Sanford fucked. Man, this is like finding out Pat Boone goes to Candyland to eat black licorice.

In other "we're fucked" news, unemployment has reached a 26-year high at nearly 10%. Try not to panic. The situation looks bad on paper; but you won't need to worry about that once you resort to eating that paper.

The highly anticipated Bruno is being released this week. You remember Borat? The much-buzzed about movie that made you chuckle twice? Just replace "clueless foreign character" with "clueless gay character." There, wasn't that hilarious?

Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas was recently in an altercation with Perez Hilton at an after-party. Authorities initially charged Will with a hate crime. However, following their interview with Hilton, Will.i.am was charged with first degree "not beating hard or long enough."

Comments (12) - View Comments - Add A Comment

I'm  07/06/09 7:21 pm
pretty sure mickey roonie is a robot sent to entertain mankind. first with his movies, and now with his general existence. the mick will never die

Clay Meedia  07/07/09 9:03 am
We need to deep fry Perez Hilton. Fried Twinkies are so cool.

Diamond Dan  07/07/09 10:31 am
For real. Even gays don't like Perez Hilton, make them look bad.

Butt Plugged  07/07/09 11:40 am
i happen to like perez hilton....of course i like the smell of ass too, so maybe it's just me who knows....

Death Magnetic  07/07/09 8:16 pm
Who in the hell would fuck the governor of South Carolina, much less ANYONE from South Carolina? I didn't think Argentina could sink any lower, but I was wrong!

to death magnetic  07/07/09 11:58 pm
hey! asshole, im from argentina, wtf man!! i know it sucks but please don tell the world, we make money with you americans though people from europe are more common. i know you wil all thik its all bulshit so check my fotolog www.fotolog.com/mandale_play add a comment with a shirt you want me to post and ill post it.
have a nice slowly painfull deadth!!!

Lt. Commander Data  07/08/09 12:58 am
Who was the old actor with the big nose? Pop culture doesn't interest me much. Incidentally, I live in North Carolina and am -still- embarrassed by Sanford. Adulterous punk... no wonder I became Libertarian.

BTW, this country has been fucked, mostly by itself, for a long time now. Some alien species will discover us all dead 1,000 years from now and piss on -our- graves for ruining such a gift...

Iman Azol  07/08/09 1:24 am
That is the most awesome thing yet.

I think we should take up a collection to double Will.i.am's fine, so he can beat on that obnoxious phaggot again.

Iman Azol  07/08/09 1:29 am
Data is a North Carolina Trekkie Libertarian. So we know he's just jealous because Sanford actually had sex with a real woman.

Duxall Inarow  07/08/09 9:40 am
Sexist! Racist! Bigots! Idiots! Capitalist whores!
Keep it up, you're a lifeline.

to Clay Meedia  07/08/09 8:02 pm
Perez is far from being a twink, but nice analogy.

Angus McShagnasty  07/09/09 2:07 pm
Perez Hilton would fuck the governor of South Carolina. Also I'm sure Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey would.


long division

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picture 1

Allow me to fix America's health care system. Democrats and Republicans are currently busy lobbing bad ideas and childish complaints back and forth. As entertaining as this is, it doesn't solve the health care dilemma facing this country. So, once again, here are some solutions that are terrible, but completely worthy of the species.

1. Let people suffer and die - To me, this is Option A. As a wise man once said: Sometimes the best solution is no solution. Okay, so no wise man ever said that, but he would have if he were as lazy as me. The point being, neither the government nor taxpayers nor doctors gave you cancer. So either get God to pony up the dough or shut up and die with dignity, you chromosomal loser.picture 1

2. Lottery - Exactly what it sounds like. Anyone in need of medical attention enters their name in a drawing, and once a week each state draws a name at random to see who receives treatment. If the person selected dies while waiting for the drawing, we simply draw again until we get to someone living. And whether you're a brilliant scientist, a captain of industry or an unemployed drunk, you have an equal chance of being selected. After all, "All men are created equal." And according to our beliefs, we remain equal. Even if you end up being a worthless piece of shit.

3. Mandatory Medical Education - This would require all citizens to complete a 6-month course so they can handle their own medical problems. I actually like this plan quite a bit, because unlike our health care system, America's education system is top-notch.

4. Fake Documents For All - Under this plan, the government would distribute fake documents to all Americans so we could take advantage of the universal health care in countries like Canada without actually living in those douche-burgs.picture 1

5. The "Best Medicine" Plan - Testing the idea that laughter is the best medicine, this plan will attempt to induce laughter in patients in an effort to cure them. Congress was eager to invoke this plan, but there was a slight hiccup when they discovered that showing the patient footage of Dane Cook resulted in a condition known as "hanging yourself with a belt." They hope the next round of tests will go better, when they show patients episodes of "According to Jim."

6. The "Things Could be Worse" Plan - This will do nothing to improve the patient's condition, but will make them feel better about it. It's simple: If a person comes in with the flu, they are shown a person with herpes. If a person comes in with a broken arm, they are shown a person with AIDS. If a person comes in with cancer, they are shown a pregnant woman.picture 1

7. The "Doctor's Discretion" Plan - This plan will cover all Americans, but it will be up to doctors to decide whether or not they want to admit a patient. For example, if the doctor is racist, he gets to decide if he wants to treat a minority. Or if the doctor is a religious nut, he doesn't have to treat homosexuals or assist in the birth of a bastard child. Or the doctor might just want a nap. This is going to be great. Just like going to the post office or DMV.

8. The "Nothing is Your Fault" Plan - This plan will provide full coverage to over-eaters, smokers, alcoholics, people with STDs and anyone else with self-inflicted problems. Because accepting responsibility for your life and facing consequences is the worst disease of all.

Comments (14) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Fat Titty  07/06/09 1:26 pm
I'm too fat to work. I'm currently getting rich off of disability. The system works!

mikefrompa  07/06/09 2:00 pm
I'm all for #8, because NOTHING is my fault. Except for that pic of Dr Howzer. That was back when he was straight. Those pictures I sent him turned him gay. But, "gay" in the good way.

Christian  07/06/09 3:23 pm
I'm all for #4. Let's all mooch off of Canada!

Vanessa  07/06/09 4:52 pm
#8 you forgot to include the lowlife druggies! Nothing's ever their fault, they're all victims.

Streeca  07/06/09 5:16 pm
The sad thing about it is that some of these ideas actually sound very appealing. compared to the existing options.

Palin\'s boyfriend  07/06/09 7:51 pm
Item number one works fine--it's what we have now, and as long as the AMA gets to say how many students can go to medical school, nothing much will change. Buy, hell, I want those two hot nurses dressed in the latex outfits--I'd catch a cold for some of that. Meanwhile, would everyone just quit ragging on Sanford's ass? Please! The only thing he did wrong was leave that hot Argentinian bitch in the lurch. What a dumb move that was!! And unemployment isn't 9.5 percent, it's more like 20 percent. Look at the bls website for U-6 and then add all the mortgage brokers that still aren't working, the idiots, who were self-employed and you'll figure it out. Cheers. I'm still working so Fuck You. (good shirt idea)

DirtyNicko  07/07/09 3:36 am
send all the sick fucks to Iraq seeing as they are gonna die anyway may,,,,

Woo  07/07/09 7:49 pm
9. The "Barter System" Plan - This plan provides health care that perpetuates itself. Some tool who smoked his way to cancer needs expensive drugs, treatments or operations, well then we will see what he has to barter, perhaps a kidney is in working order or his corneas seems fair if the cheap ass bastard cannot afford to take care of himself. Plan is also known as the "legalized black market organ" plan

Death Magnetic  07/07/09 8:22 pm
Mandatory Medical Education would be good, but eventually, you'd have to put everything in goddamn spanish so the wetbacks can understand it too (if they know how to read) and can continue to come here to rape the system of its benefits. Ain't America great?

Lt. Commander Data  07/08/09 1:08 am
I want all three of those chick nurses. Pleasuring them would be all the cardio this overweight mofo would ever need. As for the medical ideas, expand

melm  07/08/09 2:55 am
is it wrong that I have seen the video involving those two clown ladies o.O

Chaz  07/08/09 3:50 am
Stick to selling shirts. I don't give a shit about your political opinions.

L. C. Clower  07/08/09 7:40 am
Those clow chicks can hit me in the face with a cream pie ANYTIME!

Welsh boy  07/08/09 12:21 pm
Hey Chaz, stick to looking at shirts instead of reading things you're not interested in and then commenting on them. No one forced you to read the fucking thing. Internet commentary is bad enough without people like you saying "Duhhh... You no should rite this. Me no like rede stuff" And it wasn't even really political. It's just jokes about a topic. Do you want the articles to just be pictures of the shirts? Douche


MOO!
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I have heard it said that people who don't care about a subject are the best suited to comment on it, because their opinion will not be clouded by emotion or sentiment. I tend to agree with that, but I believe there is a group even more qualified than the uncaring: the completely ignorant.

Just as the uncaring don't allow their opinions to be altered by feelings, the ignorant don't allow their opinions to be altered by thoughts. Which is why I would like to share with you a letter I recently received. This person offers brilliant solutions to the situation in Iran that only a complete lack of knowledge could provide. Politicians take note.

Dear Editor,

Iran is a big problem, but I know how to fix it. The first thing we need to do is get rid of that Tim Dong Il guy. This situation is never going to get better as long as he's in power and threatening to fire missiles at the Ukraine. If we don't act now those missiles will be the least of our worries, because you know the second his Godzilla egg hatches he's going to train that thing for evil.

Next we have to get rid of Sudom Husane. Seriously, why has no one killed him? He's been trouble ever since he bought the Iran-Contra guns when he invaded the Bay of Pigs. Then he used mustard gas to make all that napalm he dropped on those kids during the Vietcong War. That caught the eye of Mao Say Tung and, well, you know what happened next. And I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I hear he lives in a spider house now. I shudder to think what he will do now that he's teamed up with a family of spiders. Hopefully they aren't those super-intelligent spiders like in Charlie's Web.

Of course, Israel is the key to the whole thing. The Pope has had a stranglehold on that city ever since he executed the coup to remove the Ayatollah of Khomeini from power. This can be very easily fixed. We just need to storm the Pope's castle and place him under arrest. We'll hold him in the Geneva Convention's prison, known as Gitmo, until we figure out what to do with him. I know the Ayatollah of Khomeini is no longer interested in politics ever since he founded Pinkberry, but I'm pretty sure we can get his junior mayor, Yosser Arfat, to replace the Pope.

I'm not naive enough to think it's as simple as all that. I realize before anything is done in Israel we need to settle the situation on the Pakistan/Hezbollah border. To manage this, it is imperative we remove the Al Qaedas from Taliban, the capital city of Osama bin Laden. Who, as we all know, were responsible for the attacks on Afganistan on 7-11. We have to do these things, all while keeping the religious differences of the region in mind. There are the Sheites, who are Jewish, and the Soonies, who are Muslamic. But with the cooperation of Darfur, I know we can get this done.

But the most pressing issue is Iran's election. The streets of Iran were recently filled with angry Protestants, but what the media isn't telling you is that the neighboring country of Tehran also had a controversial election the same day. This all boils down to whether the people want the sitting king, Mah Mood, or his opponent, Ahmad Inejad, to be king. Americans have strong opinions as to whether or not we should be involved. Personally, I say we ignore that region and stay focused on the Soviet Union. Something big is going to break there any day now, I can just feel it. And when it does, we need to be ready; not chasing the Khmer Rooje all over the continent of the Middle East.

You may dismiss these ideas as the brain-farts of a moron who doesn't know what's going on, but remember: people who know what's going on were the cause of this mess. And as an American it is not only my right but my duty to voice my thoughts on all subjects regardless of how uninformed I am or how disruptive my two cents may be. So be like me and think outside the box. Well, don't think outside the box, but get outside the box and start doing stuff.

Comments (39) - View Comments - Add A Comment

mikefrompa  07/06/09 1:58 pm
Fan Freakin Tastic! I knew the Pope was behind it all!

Keith  07/06/09 2:30 pm
I can't believe W. didn't sign this.

Roger  07/06/09 3:03 pm
Finally--everything starts to make sense.

Chuckl  07/06/09 3:15 pm
Did MS South Carolina say this during another beauty pagent?

Vanessa  07/06/09 5:09 pm
So Bush finally speaks out and tells the American people what's really going on....

Palin\'s other boyfriend  07/06/09 7:56 pm
Who, boy! That their is sum fancie speleng. Ah cain't buleeve all the miz-pelt namez. Anyway, it makes more sense than what I hear on the news. Really.

Joe  07/06/09 8:45 pm
WOW! A yank who knows that there are countries outside of the US! Things are really looking up over there!!

connie lingis  07/06/09 9:49 pm
you can't fool me I read this editorial in the N.Y Times yesterday.

phil laycio  07/06/09 9:55 pm
no,no,no,this is from sekratterri of state Hillary Clit-in.

DirtyNicko  07/07/09 3:31 am
lady Ga Ga aint no lady folks...

Really?  07/07/09 4:32 am
I love how obvious it is that the person who wrote this letter clearly was not serious and only set out to be set down on the newsletter. I oddly thought that the editor tried hard NOT to let these attention starved idiots be heard but I guess the staff has gotten lazy. Oh well.

Christian  07/07/09 6:07 am
it's dissapointing, actually. i read the letter to the editor just to see 'em tear into some douchebag for breathing the intelligent peoples oxygen. this wasn't really even worth a laugh. where are all the stupid people when you need to laugh at someone else's expense? *sigh* guess i'll just have to go watch my fingernails grow.

Amy  07/07/09 8:29 am
What the fuck! where are all of the real douchebags who nrmally write in? My favorite part of the newsleter is reading T-shirt Hell point out their lack of intelligence. That, and it's really funny to read the word "Twat" in the responses.

Ryan  07/07/09 8:49 am
Yeah. This was an obvious attempt to make people laugh. Didn't work though. I said it on the last letter "I miss the Hatemail."

Heywood Jablowme  07/07/09 9:02 am
Wow. I haven't been that entertained by someone making fun of Americans since this morning.

Diamond Dan  07/07/09 10:29 am
You forgot Mowmar Khadaffy and Yessir Imtoofat. They had a tentacle and fucking everything up. Nuke Their Ass and Take Our Gas.

Quagmire  07/07/09 12:00 pm
Hey Biden, quit licking frogs. EVERYONE knows that Godzillas cannot be trained. Giggity-giggity

Adam  07/07/09 4:16 pm
George W. Bush wrote an LTE? :o

coochie585  07/07/09 5:52 pm
BRILLIANT! I'm tempted to copy/pasta this a;; over the blogs, left & right, but you'd probably kill me with dwarf lesbain warchilds....

N'way - yucks! :o)

O.o  07/07/09 7:31 pm
This newsletter sucks big dirty donkey balls now. TSH may as well just stop making it

Seddah  07/07/09 8:21 pm
Whatever happened to the hate mail? That was hilarious.

Death Magnetic  07/07/09 8:28 pm
(in heavy Russian accent) "I must break you."

GothicLlama  07/07/09 11:03 pm
You write too fucking much.

Adam.  07/07/09 11:31 pm
Would have been a funny letter if he'd shut up a couple paragraphs earlier.

Lt. Commander Data  07/08/09 1:24 am
Pope Bentdick XVI has been trying to suck up to Israel so they can split all the gold in the world. This letter proves it. I am grateful to the author of this letter for explaining this to me.

Further, it proves that the Protocols of Zion were NOT a product of the Czar's police. They're Icelandic sagas, which is why their women have huge noses and want jewelry all the time. That's the way to the Heblew God (don't ask me why). And they never put out for their husbands. Where the hell am I...

Dru  07/08/09 1:30 am
OMFG!!! first of all, he needs to learn to spell, second of all, he needs to go back to school and learn a bit of geography and news. for the love of god, this guy is a complete retarded nutsack of a squirrel

ArcCahlon  07/08/09 4:39 am
what? my head fuckign hurts just tring to understand this. I'd say no one can be this stupid but iwork with the public.... and its posssible. I'm surprised you didnt have any comment sunny. or was it that it was to easy? fuck even bush is smarter then this dip shit.

WhatWouldSatanDo  07/08/09 9:30 am
"NEVER underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups"
And the groups just keep getting larger!

Ric  07/08/09 12:06 pm
This "Letter To The Editor" has totally made me laugh... the sad thing? It's propbably better informed than the average American!!!! (Especially those in Congress!)

jewy  07/08/09 6:08 pm
WTF?! WHERE'S THE HATEMAIL?????? You people are pissing me the fuck off.

pancho del rancho  07/08/09 6:55 pm
dear editor, you're lucky. i always thought you were going to hell when you die but i heard they closed for good when a certain pop star got there. See you in the other place, the Bronx.

Hamster  07/09/09 12:54 am
lol this shit's hilarious. This guy can't be serious.

adamh  07/09/09 2:20 am
Are you fucking kidding me? You go from NOT shutting the doors due to pressure and bringing back "Worse than Hell" to this shit? We get it, Torso Pants is out there...most of us don't give a fuck. Bring back what brought us here in the first place, offensive shit. Not profitable enough? Not enough support from those of us currently bitching? Then give it up Sunshine!

adamh  07/09/09 2:26 am
Another thing. When I heard MJ died (in a week of great celebrity death fodder), I couldn't wait for the next batch of shirts...what do we get? "You can see my dick from space"? I'm ashamed to have ever recommended this site. Glad I got the good shirts while still available. Time to move on Sunny.

Janie  07/09/09 12:03 pm
shut the fuck up adamh. i bet you're one of those people that told the hate mailers to fuck off when they told hell to shut down just because they didn't like their shirts, and here you are doing the same thing. you want them around as long as they're doing what you like. and when they don't you say the same thing as the people you mock. you don't have to like and can stop going here at any time but to say "go away, i don't like you" is exactly the same as other hate mail. and if you want an mj shirt make it yourself. comedy is comedy. if you don't think something is just because it's not insensitive you don't care about what's funny. you just care about you being a badass. i can't say i always find the shirts funny but i'm not like "oh it's not about rape or a dead person so it sucks" maybe it's time for you to move on

Sean Randall  07/09/09 12:52 pm
Guess Bush is on the Internets...

Hettie G.  07/19/09 6:04 pm
wow...god forbid tsh make a joke with some sort of higher standard than 'twattity twat twat' hahahahaha! please...this was awesome, everyones just pissed cause they needed to apply thought...

Clockwork Orange  07/21/09 5:39 pm
Mildly amusing. "Muslamic" has now entered my vocabulary.

DJ  07/22/09 3:31 pm
Janie, two things are clear: those people had a point and you are a douche. Go climb back up into your mother's twat - we'll call you when the Yeastie Boys are playing these parts, mkay? (Which will probably be sometime after Sunshine gets off his hermaphroditic ass and stops lobbing up softballs. Michael's dead, and yet we see not shirt. fucking. one. about it? Somebody's not doing their job.) If I can't walk around with a shirt comparing the decomp of Mike's face over the years with how much better it probably looks now, then I am just not living up to my god-given American Potential! Which is sad, because its apparent YOU have lived up to YOUR potential, and if a hairy-lipped troll with mama's apron strings knotted around their asymmetric grey nipples gets there first, there clearly is a problem. TSH needs to fix its shit. And you need to eat some, Janie Fishfingers.


joy division

[Go Big or Gonads]

Good things come to those who wait. They come much sooner to those who steal them.



 
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