Live Earth, a concert held to help solve the world's climate crisis, took place last Saturday. I hope you all remembered to put your air conditioners on full blast, turn on all your lights, turn on your televisions to watch the concert, momentarily feel guilty, throw away all the nonbiodegradable packaging for your snacks, not donate any money, and forget about the whole thing after ten minutes.
Unfortunately, I was unable to watch the concert. I would've liked to have seen it, but I was too busy letting the engines run on every single one of the Hummers at my dealership, starting forest fires, and using the laser-gun on my satellite to carve off large portions of the polar ice caps.
In political news, President Bush recently commuted the prison sentence of Scooter Libby, even suggesting a possible pardon. I don't know why anyone bothered pressing charges in the first place. I mean, didn't they already know that he was a rich old white guy?
So Scooter Libby doesn't have to go to prison for perjury and obstruction of justice. Meanwhile, my BLACK dad is doing 30 years just for selling some pot. Oh, and he raped a lady in a Kinko's restroom.
Finally, the iPhone recently went on sale and was an immediate success, moving over half a million units in just three days. As if all the technological features weren't enough to make you purchase this amazing product, it also comes with a free forehead sticker which reads "Trendy douche."
I don't know how many things it takes to qualify as a slew, but I'm almost certain we have a slew of new shirts. And if not, the word "slew" can go fuck itself.
This time around we've got shirts for every kind of nerd imaginable. Star Trek nerds, Harry Potter nerds, nerds that like coke and hookers, and female nerds who believe size matters in at least one of their boyfriends.
But if you aren't any kind of nerd, we've also added a shirt that lets that football player know exactly what God thinks of his touchdown, and a shirt that guarantees the asshole behind the counter won't fuck up your order. Now stop using your imagination and look at them with your computer.
All of our new shirts are here:
I'm usually ashamed of everything I do, but I'm proud to announce that T-Shirt Hell has several brand-new styles and colors for you to choose from. These new shirts are made with a pigment-dying process that provides a great vintage look and feel with a deep, rich color. They have a lived-in feel, are extra soft, and are actually enhanced with each wash. Just like parts of me.
We've added vintage tees (available in 10 colors), vintage ringers (3 colors), and even added 4 new colors to our already enormous variety of jersey-style shirts.
So click below to check out our new line of pigment-dyed tees. Because if you don't, you'll hurt their feelings. And nobody wants a mass-shirt-suicide on their conscience.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the seventh and final book in the Harry Potter series, is scheduled for release on July 21. The book will undoubtedly go on to set various sales records, but will it live up to the hype? Will it satisfactorily cap one of the most popular book series of all time? Or will it disappoint its readers and simply be remembered as a pop-culture trend? The answer to all of those questions is "Who gives a fuck?"
But just in case you're interested in "Potter-mania" (also known as "gayness"), I have a special treat for you. I managed to get my hands on a copy of the last page of "Deathly Hallows." "How did you get this page?" you ask. Well let's just say JK Rowling likes it when I use my tongue to "cast a spell on her muggle." In any case, I would like to share it with you now. You read it here first.
Having just performed Hermione's third abortion, Harry Potter decided it was time to move on from Hogwarts. It seemed like only yesterday when he first looked upon this new and magical place with wonder and excitement in his eyes. But it had been a long seven years and he had seen too many muggles get raped and tortured for this place to ever feel the same again.
Young Harry, his innocence long ago lost to the fingers and tongue of Professor Snape, set out to enter a new world and leave this place behind him forever. But before he did, he decided to make one last trip through these hallowed halls to double-check the wiring on his bombs and to rub out one last load onto the pale, lifeless face of Ron Weasley.
Now a safe distance away from the campus, Harry was filled with a sense of pride and a smile slowly worked its way across his face. 'This is it,' he thought. Then he pressed the button that left the Hogwarts' grounds covered in nothing but flaming rubble and the charred remains of hundreds of young wizards and witches.
Harry was now ready to move into Voldemort's secluded castle in the hills, where the two of them would live out the remainder of their lives exchanging Rusty Trombones. He slowly made his way down that dark and lonely path that would take him to his destiny. That's when the ghost of Dumbledore appeared, decapitated Harry, and drank the precious blood that would once again give him life. Then a pack of wolves ate him.
P.S. - Thanks for the money, dumbass.
JK "Lick My Rich Snatch" Rowling
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From: Kathy B.
Sent: Friday, June 29, 2007
My name is Kathy. My son has just got one of your tshirts. i don't appreciate the language that you have got on your lettering. i'm asking you very nicely to never send me nothing else that belongs to you in the mail again. if you do we'll see what we can do. you have a good day and GOD bless you.
Editor's Note: This just seems unfair. Here I am, an adult human with a fully functioning brain, and I'm supposed to respond to an email from a brain-damaged howler monkey. It just doesn't feel right.
So instead of me entering a battle of wits with the mental equivalent of the Canadian Army, I'm going to let the retarded four-year-old I just kidnapped respond to this. Enjoy.
"hi lady. my name jimmy. do you want to eat jimmy's poop with jimmy? it's yummy but not as yummy as play-doh. what's your favorite flavor of play-doh? jimmy's is yellow. do you cry at night because god made you the world's punch line? don't worry, you'll be dead someday. and jimmy loves you. or maybe jimmy just pities you. jimmy can't tell anymore."
Whoa, looks like someone is bucking for my job. Well done, Jimmy. You keep this up and I'll give you two extra feet of slack on that chain in the basement.
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From: Charlie W.
Sent: Sunday, July 01, 2007
Subject: What a scam...
So I get this email for the limited edition sale. Gee, limited number of options. NO SHIT????????????????? I mean, really, why send the fucking email to anyone other than the overly obese transsexual crowd or the "Nicole Ritchie Fan Club" crowd (based on your available options)?????????????
JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST, YOU STEAM PICTURES ONTO T-SHIRTS!!!!!!!!!! Why THEFUCK do you people act like the pattern THAT YOU COULD STEAM ONTO ANY T-SHIRT, ANY SIZE, is so SPECIALLY LIMITED??????? If the fucking pattern is available, TAKE THE ORDERS, STEAM THE T-SHIRTS, and make your worthless customers HAPPY!!!
Editor's Note: I like nachos. A lot of tractors are green. Steve Guttenberg was in Short Circuit. Doctors never prescribe Twinkies. I'm sorry, for some reason I thought today was "Write a Bunch of Stupid Bullshit Day."
First of all, we don't "steam pictures onto t-shirts." Our shirts are created in the wombs of Jewish women after black men have sex with them. I don't understand the science behind it, I just cash in on it.
Secondly, what's with all the swearing? Curse words are the last resort of someone who has nothing intelligent to say. So just think about that, you cock-sucking, asshole-licking, donkey-fucking, cunt-drenched piece of excrement.
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From: Karl J.
Sent: Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Subject: your mother is a fucking whore who eats my shit
I have visited your site and all I can say is that your mother is a fucking whore who eats my crap. You are blocked, stupid whore. I shit on your face.
Editor's Note: Dad?
Wait...my dad hasn't written ever since he lost his arms in that "me intentionally cutting them off" accident. Well, whoever you are, thanks for the trip down memory lane.
It's just a shame that you've decided to block us. Just as we are about to start our new monthly segment - "How to Stop Being a Taint-Licking Twat." Your timing couldn't have been worse.
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From: LYLE T.
Sent: Sunday, July 01, 2007
Subject: terrible tee shirt
I just wanted to tell your company, as a mother of two amazing children, that your "All Daddy Wanted Was A Blow job" shirt is offensive and entirely HORRIFIC that you would even produce such a shirt. I will be trying to find ways to get this shirt taken off the market. It's not funny, witty, or cute.
Editor's Note: Your children aren't amazing. I just wanted to say that before we went any further. You know that "amazing" thing Tyler did? About a million other kids did that yesterday. Whether he came in second at the swim meet, or he got an A on his spelling test, or he just stopped eating glue, it wasn't amazing. It was average at best. And little Becky sucked in that play.
But I'm not here to insult your pathetic kids. I'm here to insult pathetic you. You're a waste of a human. You, James Dobson, and all your ilk champion the cause of decency just to convince yourselves that your lives mean something, but they don't. You've failed. The kid who drew a picture of you and wrote 'I wuv my mommy' on it is the same kid who's going to be snorting coke off a hooker's ass in ten years if he isn't already.
So go ahead and get all of our shirts taken off the market. It'll just make it that much more ironic when your kids shoot you in the face and sodomize your corpse.
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You Don't Have To Go Home, But You Can't Keep Doing That
in the Public Library
The unexamined life is not worth living. And neither is the examined life.