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newsfromhell


It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing

I've got your iPhone... in my iPants!

Live Earth, a concert held to help solve the world's climate crisis, took place last Saturday. I hope you all remembered to put your air conditioners on full blast, turn on all your lights, turn on your televisions to watch the concert, momentarily feel guilty, throw away all the nonbiodegradable packaging for your snacks, not donate any money, and forget about the whole thing after ten minutes.

Unfortunately, I was unable to watch the concert. I would've liked to have seen it, but I was too busy letting the engines run on every single one of the Hummers at my dealership, starting forest fires, and using the laser-gun on my satellite to carve off large portions of the polar ice caps.

In political news, President Bush recently commuted the prison sentence of Scooter Libby, even suggesting a possible pardon. I don't know why anyone bothered pressing charges in the first place. I mean, didn't they already know that he was a rich old white guy?

So Scooter Libby doesn't have to go to prison for perjury and obstruction of justice. Meanwhile, my BLACK dad is doing 30 years just for selling some pot. Oh, and he raped a lady in a Kinko's restroom.

Finally, the iPhone recently went on sale and was an immediate success, moving over half a million units in just three days. As if all the technological features weren't enough to make you purchase this amazing product, it also comes with a free forehead sticker which reads "Trendy douche."

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New Shirts

I don't know how many things it takes to qualify as a slew, but I'm almost certain we have a slew of new shirts. And if not, the word "slew" can go fuck itself.

This time around we've got shirts for every kind of nerd imaginable. Star Trek nerds, Harry Potter nerds, nerds that like coke and hookers, and female nerds who believe size matters in at least one of their boyfriends.

But if you aren't any kind of nerd, we've also added a shirt that lets that football player know exactly what God thinks of his touchdown, and a shirt that guarantees the asshole behind the counter won't fuck up your order. Now stop using your imagination and look at them with your computer.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_070907_news.htm


New Shirts

I'm usually ashamed of everything I do, but I'm proud to announce that T-Shirt Hell has several brand-new styles and colors for you to choose from. These new shirts are made with a pigment-dying process that provides a great vintage look and feel with a deep, rich color. They have a lived-in feel, are extra soft, and are actually enhanced with each wash. Just like parts of me.

We've added vintage tees (available in 10 colors), vintage ringers (3 colors), and even added 4 new colors to our already enormous variety of jersey-style shirts.

So click below to check out our new line of pigment-dyed tees. Because if you don't, you'll hurt their feelings. And nobody wants a mass-shirt-suicide on their conscience.

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/newstyles_colors.htm


long division

Happy Dependence Day

If there's grass on the field, play Quidditch.Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the seventh and final book in the Harry Potter series, is scheduled for release on July 21. The book will undoubtedly go on to set various sales records, but will it live up to the hype? Will it satisfactorily cap one of the most popular book series of all time? Or will it disappoint its readers and simply be remembered as a pop-culture trend? The answer to all of those questions is "Who gives a fuck?"

But just in case you're interested in "Potter-mania" (also known as "gayness"), I have a special treat for you. I managed to get my hands on a copy of the last page of "Deathly Hallows." "How did you get this page?" you ask. Well let's just say JK Rowling likes it when I use my tongue to "cast a spell on her muggle." In any case, I would like to share it with you now. You read it here first.

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Having just performed Hermione's third abortion, Harry Potter decided it was time to move on from Hogwarts. It seemed like only yesterday when he first looked upon this new and magical place with wonder and excitement in his eyes. But it had been a long seven years and he had seen too many muggles get raped and tortured for this place to ever feel the same again.

Hairy PornstarYoung Harry, his innocence long ago lost to the fingers and tongue of Professor Snape, set out to enter a new world and leave this place behind him forever. But before he did, he decided to make one last trip through these hallowed halls to double-check the wiring on his bombs and to rub out one last load onto the pale, lifeless face of Ron Weasley.

Now a safe distance away from the campus, Harry was filled with a sense of pride and a smile slowly worked its way across his face. 'This is it,' he thought. Then he pressed the button that left the Hogwarts' grounds covered in nothing but flaming rubble and the charred remains of hundreds of young wizards and witches.

Harry was now ready to move into Voldemort's secluded castle in the hills, where the two of them would live out the remainder of their lives exchanging Rusty Trombones. He slowly made his way down that dark and lonely path that would take him to his destiny. That's when the ghost of Dumbledore appeared, decapitated Harry, and drank the precious blood that would once again give him life. Then a pack of wolves ate him.

The End

P.S. - Thanks for the money, dumbass.

Sincerely,

JK "Lick My Rich Snatch" Rowling


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