T-Shirt Hell : Newsletter : July 9, 2007

Live Earth, a concert held to help solve the world's climate crisis, took place last Saturday. I hope you all remembered to put your air conditioners on full blast, turn on all your lights, turn on your televisions to watch the concert, momentarily feel guilty, throw away all the nonbiodegradable packaging for your snacks, not donate any money, and forget about the whole thing after ten minutes.

Unfortunately, I was unable to watch the concert. I would've liked to have seen it, but I was too busy letting the engines run on every single one of the Hummers at my dealership, starting forest fires, and using the laser-gun on my satellite to carve off large portions of the polar ice caps.

In political news, President Bush recently commuted the prison sentence of Scooter Libby, even suggesting a possible pardon. I don't know why anyone bothered pressing charges in the first place. I mean, didn't they already know that he was a rich old white guy?

So Scooter Libby doesn't have to go to prison for perjury and obstruction of justice. Meanwhile, my BLACK dad is doing 30 years just for selling some pot. Oh, and he raped a lady in a Kinko's restroom.

Finally, the iPhone recently went on sale and was an immediate success, moving over half a million units in just three days. As if all the technological features weren't enough to make you purchase this amazing product, it also comes with a free forehead sticker which reads "Trendy douche."

I don't know how many things it takes to qualify as a slew, but I'm almost certain we have a slew of new shirts. And if not, the word "slew" can go fuck itself.

This time around we've got shirts for every kind of nerd imaginable. Star Trek nerds, Harry Potter nerds, nerds that like coke and hookers, and female nerds who believe size matters in at least one of their boyfriends.

But if you aren't any kind of nerd, we've also added a shirt that lets that football player know exactly what God thinks of his touchdown, and a shirt that guarantees the asshole behind the counter won't fuck up your order. Now stop using your imagination and look at them with your computer.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_070907_news.htm

I'm usually ashamed of everything I do, but I'm proud to announce that T-Shirt Hell has several brand-new styles and colors for you to choose from. These new shirts are made with a pigment-dying process that provides a great vintage look and feel with a deep, rich color. They have a lived-in feel, are extra soft, and are actually enhanced with each wash. Just like parts of me.

We've added vintage tees (available in 10 colors), vintage ringers (3 colors), and even added 4 new colors to our already enormous variety of jersey-style shirts.

So click below to check out our new line of pigment-dyed tees. Because if you don't, you'll hurt their feelings. And nobody wants a mass-shirt-suicide on their conscience.

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/newstyles_colors.htm

long division

If there's grass on the field, play Quidditch. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the seventh and final book in the Harry Potter series, is scheduled for release on July 21. The book will undoubtedly go on to set various sales records, but will it live up to the hype? Will it satisfactorily cap one of the most popular book series of all time? Or will it disappoint its readers and simply be remembered as a pop-culture trend? The answer to all of those questions is "Who gives a fuck?"

But just in case you're interested in "Potter-mania" (also known as "gayness"), I have a special treat for you. I managed to get my hands on a copy of the last page of "Deathly Hallows." "How did you get this page?" you ask. Well let's just say JK Rowling likes it when I use my tongue to "cast a spell on her muggle." In any case, I would like to share it with you now. You read it here first.

-----

Having just performed Hermione's third abortion, Harry Potter decided it was time to move on from Hogwarts. It seemed like only yesterday when he first looked upon this new and magical place with wonder and excitement in his eyes. But it had been a long seven years and he had seen too many muggles get raped and tortured for this place to ever feel the same again.

Young Harry, his innocence long ago lost to the fingers and tongue of Professor Snape, set out to enter a new world and leave this place behind him forever. But before he did, he decided to make one last trip through these hallowed halls to double-check the wiring on his bombs and to rub out one last load onto the pale, lifeless face of Ron Weasley.

Now a safe distance away from the campus, Harry was filled with a sense of pride and a smile slowly worked its way across his face. 'This is it,' he thought. Then he pressed the button that left the Hogwarts' grounds covered in nothing but flaming rubble and the charred remains of hundreds of young wizards and witches.

Harry was now ready to move into Voldemort's secluded castle in the hills, where the two of them would live out the remainder of their lives exchanging Rusty Trombones. He slowly made his way down that dark and lonely path that would take him to his destiny. That's when the ghost of Dumbledore appeared, decapitated Harry, and drank the precious blood that would once again give him life. Then a pack of wolves ate him.

The End

P.S. - Thanks for the money, dumbass.

Sincerely,

JK "Lick My Rich Snatch" Rowling

Comments (23) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Harry Twatter 07/10/07 5:35 pm

Oh shit i almost pissed myself when i read the last page of that harry potter story. Haha i hope it really ends that way

dave 07/10/07 7:48 pm

that should have been the end of the first book. j(iantt) k(litt) coulldnt have written it any better

the dhc 07/11/07 10:17 am

i love the writing style of jk rowling, her final page is absolute poetry

Killian G. 07/11/07 10:46 am

the hell is a rusty trombone?

Timmah 07/11/07 11:30 am

Brilliant....simply brilliant!

gabbybird 07/11/07 6:14 pm

What a fitting ending.... I laughed, I cried, I puked....Just brilliant!

Seano 07/11/07 10:41 pm

i'm just dissed it didn't mention Hermione getting her tits out. I was looking forward to that in the last movie :(

Iman Azol 07/12/07 9:13 am

So, who else has dreams of three ways with Hermione and McGonagal?

lickmy twatter 07/12/07 12:32 pm

No I Dream of three ways with Hermione and jack sparrow on a huge peice of buttered toast. but whatever.....

Barn O Pottery 07/12/07 7:46 pm

This last page spoiler touches me.... there and there and ooooh there too. wish i didn't have the shits.... hate it when it gets under my finger nails... I was eating BBQ too damn it.

dirty whore 07/12/07 9:25 pm

What an ending, I have to say I cried. You are supposed to sodomized yourself with the book.....right? Well, maybe that's why I am crying.

Lucia 07/12/07 11:32 pm

It´s just like ive always imagined it would be! The same fucking thing happened whith lord of the rings and the hole gay hobbits orgies chapter, wich i must say was kind of amusing, most of all the part with the inhalation of those weird sexually shaped fireworks and tom bombadil´s colorful drinks.
Personal preferences aside, this last chapter of Harry Potter surely rings a bell! In fact, wasnt the last chapter of friends smthing like it? When Rachel´s baby get eaten by a pack of wolfs? Or was it the guy in Mad About You who got eaten. Nah, i dont think so, no woulf would do that to itself.

Guess im trying to thank you for this hillarious newsleter and shirts.

Ben-Jammin 07/13/07 8:03 pm

For those like the above person that was wondering what a rusty trumbone is.. its where you give some one a reach around and while doing so lick their anus... and it gives the look of playing a trumbone.. nice fucking story, even if it is not quite word for word like that... Harry best fucking die!

Anthony Pittarelli 07/13/07 8:25 pm

wow i wasnt going to read the whole harry potter series but after reading the last page posted on the site im a huge fan! a fan the size of the cock in harry potters ass!

boobs! 07/13/07 9:32 pm

FUCKING HILARIOUS! Sexy, brilliant, beautiful!!!

TajaReyul 07/14/07 12:12 am

Love, I know you're trying to be shocking, but I can tell you honestly that I have read far, far more disturbing fanfics. Hell, I've even beta-read fics far more disturbing than that. At least your spelling and grammar was better than most.

Dr Switch 07/14/07 10:54 am

For those scoring at home... A "Rusty Trombone" is an act of love where a participant gives a rim job to a man while simultaneously giving him a reach around. Many subscribers to the T-shirt hell newsletter have found Urbandictionary.com quite valuable in understanding some of the authors references to disgusting sex acts.

Bob 07/14/07 12:58 pm

no! u r spoil it!

Smilingdevil 07/16/07 3:55 am

Well, nothing hurts more than the truth I guess.. And now that her husband left her for the 19 year old neigbours daugter and snorts the montly ration of coke with her all day, she (now bekomming sober) finaly realizes teh truth.. but again, instead of turning to herself and changing something in her life, she makes someone else responsible.. how sad.

madog 07/18/07 6:21 pm

love all your shit and hope to be buying some very soon

J. DøøM 07/21/07 1:38 am

I'd buy that for a dollar!

It's about an hour and a half since the stupid book went on sale here out on the East Coast, and while you sheep are led to the pasture & collectively buried in your new Hairy Twatter "literature" (*cough*), I'm helping myself to some of the nicer cars you've all left unattended. Thanks for the lift, jagoffs! But don't worry, you'll always have your broomstick. Shove it up yer ass... sideways...

jb 07/25/07 9:33 am

I knew Harry was hittin' the dark lord ass...I F'ing Knew it, i mean it was so obvious,..with that "magical connection" Rowling kept referring to between Voldemort and Harry all these years...

Li'l baby Jesus 08/12/07 4:06 am

To say I'm a Potter fan and i'm offended would first of all be untrue and secondly trigger way too many funny insults toward me, so i'll tell the truth: I'm not ashamed to admit I LIKED reading the Potter books -now I'm shocking you guys hihi- but as an alternate ending this one gets a perfect 9 and a half. The half you lost is for not having written the words "Hermoine" and "sodomize" in one sentence anywhere.

-----Original Message-----

From: Kathy B.
Sent: Friday, June 29, 2007

My name is Kathy. My son has just got one of your tshirts. i don't appreciate the language that you have got on your lettering. i'm asking you very nicely to never send me nothing else that belongs to you in the mail again. if you do we'll see what we can do. you have a good day and GOD bless you.

Editor's Note: This just seems unfair. Here I am, an adult human with a fully functioning brain, and I'm supposed to respond to an email from a brain-damaged howler monkey. It just doesn't feel right.

Defending Our First-Amendment Rights To Fling Feces So instead of me entering a battle of wits with the mental equivalent of the Canadian Army, I'm going to let the retarded four-year-old I just kidnapped respond to this. Enjoy.

"hi lady. my name jimmy. do you want to eat jimmy's poop with jimmy? it's yummy but not as yummy as play-doh. what's your favorite flavor of play-doh? jimmy's is yellow. do you cry at night because god made you the world's punch line? don't worry, you'll be dead someday. and jimmy loves you. or maybe jimmy just pities you. jimmy can't tell anymore."

Whoa, looks like someone is bucking for my job. Well done, Jimmy. You keep this up and I'll give you two extra feet of slack on that chain in the basement.

Comments (20) - View Comments - Add A Comment

allen k jordan 07/10/07 5:02 pm

I so want butt sex with you!!
I know you're very keen on grammar but in your response to Kathy B. on 29 june shouldn't it have read my entering instead of me entering?
I LOVE you and your pussy farts on my tongue; keep up the good work!

Koneko 07/10/07 5:06 pm

"i'm asking you very nicely to never send me nothing else" <--Doesn't that mean she WANTS you to send her more things?? And maybe if you don't like what you're getting in the mail, you shouldn't have let your kid go to the site and buy stuff anyways. Stupid parents.

di 07/10/07 5:43 pm

yep, it's impossible to have a battle of wits with an unarmed "person". Only those with a sense of humor should be allowed to comment! Keep up the fun, y'all!

tcjockey 07/10/07 6:16 pm

Yeah stop sending her unsolicited free shirts. You can send that crap my way.

SatanSpawn 07/11/07 12:10 am

Seriously people, she is having a genuine problem here. I can't be sure of what that problem might be at the moment, but she is still having a serious problem. Whether it be AIDS, or simple sexual frustrations, we need to take her feelings into consideration before we string her up by her feet and let the tree creatures rape her =).

Spazmonkey 07/11/07 1:03 am

Shouldn't she be abusing her shitbag kid for stealing her credit card and purchasing a shirt, instead of you?
Obviously she is one of those parents who blames everyone else when her kid does something wrong.
Some people just shouldn't be allowed to breed.
Her letter makes her sound like a christian hick.
Kathy, I don't appreciate your letter, I find it offensive, please never send ANYTHING to the site again.

Harry Bastard 07/11/07 1:15 am

Language on the lettering? Is there even more hate subliminally hidden in the letters themselves?
If so, I want "Kathy sucks donkey balls!", with the letters formed by many smaller "Kathy sucks donkey balls!"

JESUS 07/11/07 7:35 am

YOU CUNTS CAN ALL SWALLOW MY LOAD.FUCKING AMERICAN JEW COCKSUCKERS.

The Hairy Bull Dyke (W/greasy pits) 07/11/07 7:39 am

That was a fuckin' funny reply. Keep it up you sweet, chocolate, carpet muncher.

Demon Spawn 07/12/07 2:26 am

Quote.... "YOU CUNTS CAN ALL SWALLOW MY LOAD.FUCKING AMERICAN JEW COCKSUCKERS"

My most optimistic hopes s that you're trying to be funny. If so, you failed, you waste-of-oxygen-subhuman-asswipe dick sucking poor exuse for a dog's shithook.

JESUS LOVES YOU!!!

Demon Spawn 07/12/07 2:28 am

P.S.... DEMON SPAWN TYPES POORLY.

barnacle 07/12/07 11:09 am

,, a shirt for her,,, "i shoulda swallowed"
fuck 'em,, fuck 'em all.

lick_tulips 07/13/07 1:15 am

I talk to Jesus.... He's my Mexican gardener

Annie 07/13/07 8:24 am

"I'm asking you nicely to never send me nothing else that belongs to you"???? WTF does that mean. Are you T Shirt Hell people just randomly sending packages to people? If so, send me a bunch of fuck anything T-shirts. Also, the "if you do we'll see what we can do" sounds like a threat to me. Watch out TSH, I think "GOD bless you, Kathy" is gonna probably E-mail you a bomb. (I doubt she has the brains to do a real one).

Dawn 07/13/07 10:36 am

You make me cry - in a good way!

Neil Young 07/13/07 9:58 pm

I am a Canadian and just wanted to say that the comment about the Canadian Army is false. The Canadian Army, in fact, makes this fucktard look like a genious.

TBarb 07/14/07 2:05 am

Sometimes, I yearn for the days of draconian medicinal practice and socio-religious custom. People that defied you would be burnt at the stake or have similarly horrible treatment.

Just imagine how much fun we could have with marshmallows, hot dogs and campfire songs with some dude burning to death against his will!

Okay, so all of that was just a non sequitur.

So we had 15 comments that taunted some dudes mom for thinking the letter E and an overly compulsive and frequent remark made by childern aged 7-21, stoned off the highest quality Elmer's they could find.

I'm just dumb-founded that she takes such offense to possibly one of the least offensive shirts available from this website. What would happen if she saw the now legendary "Arrest Black Babies" shirt?

okbye 07/14/07 8:25 pm

What shirt did her kid buy - "My mom is a stupid cunt"? If not you should send him one. For free. We'll chip in.

russ leitch 07/19/07 9:44 am

c'mon now the canadian army isn't THAT stupid....lol

jb 07/25/07 9:30 am

so emails that you guys get like this always make me imagine some illegal immigrant trying to assert their right to freedom of speech because they live in America now.. I just can't beleive that that email was sent with sincerity behind it. it has to be a joke.

-----Original Message-----

From: Charlie W.
Sent: Sunday, July 01, 2007
Subject: What a scam...

So I get this email for the limited edition sale. Gee, limited number of options. NO SHIT????????????????? I mean, really, why send the fucking email to anyone other than the overly obese transsexual crowd or the "Nicole Ritchie Fan Club" crowd (based on your available options)?????????????

JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST, YOU STEAM PICTURES ONTO T-SHIRTS!!!!!!!!!! Why THEFUCK do you people act like the pattern THAT YOU COULD STEAM ONTO ANY T-SHIRT, ANY SIZE, is so SPECIALLY LIMITED??????? If the fucking pattern is available, TAKE THE ORDERS, STEAM THE T-SHIRTS, and make your worthless customers HAPPY!!!

Seriously,
Charlie

Editor's Note: I like nachos. A lot of tractors are green. Steve Guttenberg was in Short Circuit. Doctors never prescribe Twinkies. I'm sorry, for some reason I thought today was "Write a Bunch of Stupid Bullshit Day."

First of all, we don't "steam pictures onto t-shirts." Our shirts are created in the wombs of Jewish women after black men have sex with them. I don't understand the science behind it, I just cash in on it.

Secondly, what's with all the swearing? Curse words are the last resort of someone who has nothing intelligent to say. So just think about that, you cock-sucking, asshole-licking, donkey-fucking, cunt-drenched piece of excrement.

Comments (20) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Blue Balls 07/10/07 5:41 pm

I thought my shirt smelled funny when i took it out of the package

Kile 07/10/07 7:26 pm

So thats how you guys do it! I always figured you squeezed pixie dust from elv's assholes and used that to make magical ink that you had fed a llama to shit the designs onto the shirts. Boy was I wrong!

Lick my What? 07/11/07 2:19 am

What pisses you off more you dumb cunt.. The fact that this male is right.. or the fact that you don't have the intelligence to find something better to come up with to pawn off your wears??

Join in with the rest of the retail cult and pretend like you actually have a fucking sale or bargain.. oh shit.. look idiots.. $2 off a fucking shirt, if you suck this stupid bitch's warted cunt..

QUICK BUY A FUCKING DISCOUNTED SHIRT

or just wait for someone who paid full price to toss it into the salvation army drop box and pull it out, then pretend like all the wear and tear on it, was because it's your 'favourite' shirt.

Losers..

Jessica 07/11/07 7:21 am

I know you love the hate mail, (I know I love it too), but I want to say I think your shirts are brilliant. I appreciate your fortitude and humor in the politically correct milksop time we find ourselves in.
I have a question fo those who are offended by your site: Did you ever consider that your self-righteousness may offend others? No, of course not, you asshole.

H8r 07/11/07 7:47 am

HE HAS A POINT.

Boston 07/11/07 1:12 pm

i don't usually comment on things like this.. its alot more fun just to read. but seeing "Lick my What?"'s comment made me have to say something.

you are a fucking moron.

the whole reason behind "limited edition" is so that not every single stupid asshole has the exact same shirt. some are more rare then others so when you're wearing your limited edition shirt and some stupid prick like Charlie W. up there bitches and complains because he missed out.. you can kick him in the balls and laugh in his face because he missed out because he was too busy sucking his mother's dick. D:

dumbass 07/11/07 6:08 pm

None of these people who are SO against the way they print shirts seems to have taken the time to read the FAQ on the site. It CLEARLY states that they get way too many shirt orders a day to be able to just print them as the orders come in.
So maybe instead of complaining about the shirts or the way they are printed, you should just go back to the Gap, you pretentious cock-suckers

sorry fags 07/12/07 12:44 am

...but as H8R stated, Charlie has a point. All the bullshit arguments above are just plain stupid. There is no point to a limited edition shirt when money is to be made - if this site has taught me anything it's to send T-Shirt Hell money. Of course, most of the best designs are gone while lameness abounds. And if they're so limited, why does it take 5-11 days for order to even ship? Because they make them as they are ordered! So yes, if you're a color blind, morbidly obese, Down's Syndrome slob or an anorexic, mongoloid midget with cum-caked eyes, the secret sale was a complete non-event.

Ben 07/12/07 1:39 am

it may just be me, but i think the sale thing was just to bring back shirts whos sales were down and were discontinued? the guy talking about "limited edition" shirts must be special, cos he doesnt realise this special shirt was actually around for months before it was removed from the list. I just figured, after time the shirts that dont sell as much get discontinued, they keep the design, then every now n then re release them, in the "sale" thing. seems logical to me.

Ecunomist 07/12/07 2:51 am

T-shirt Hell is evil.... I encourage all Ignorant douchebags to unite and rise up against the evil captalist principles of supply and demand.

Go BACK to Wal-mart... they would never ever think of giving you a discount on crap you already own and don't need.

Mustard Dick 07/12/07 2:57 am

What was that all about??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Deadguy 07/12/07 8:39 am

Is there ANYONE out there with half a brain? I saw ONE intelligent answer..
Let's make it easy for the rest of you. If you preprint 10 shirts, 2 of each size, you're gonna' get stuck with the shirt sizes that are "unusual" after all the gen x and emo folks buy the smalls, mediums and larges.

So unless you somehow cater to the fatass cheap folks that can't normally afford a shirt, you're gonna' continuously stockpile weird shirt sizes. So.. when there's a lot of them, you run what's called a "sale" so you can offload the shirts and make back some of your losses, instead of just throwing them out and losing the money spent making them.

It's too bad that you cheap fucks got caught in the crossfire, but now you wanna' bitch about how Tshirt Hell is supposed to bend over backwards to cater to your individual needs when you wanna' be cheap assholes.

Thats why you're all users and ho's begging for cheap tshirts instead of being dealers and pimps. Dealers and pimps buy shit because they actually WANT it, not just because they can afford it.

Iman Azol 07/12/07 9:20 am

You cheap fuckers could get one of those "print a T shirt kits," print out the decal on your printer and iron it on a T shirt. Then you can tell everyone, "I made it myself."

Of course, everyone will know that because it will look like a retard did it.

Yep 07/12/07 9:40 am

I love this site, but honestly, the whole "limited edition" thing IS pretty gay.

This Bitch... 07/12/07 6:03 pm

Thanks Kile, I haven't pissed myself in forever! Let's be realistic, this guy isn't a business genius by any standard. Shirts that make you laugh your ass off, and also aggravate all who read them: PRICELESS. Hey Loser, pay the extra couple bucks and shut the fuck up- your funny shirt will likely be the only thing that makes you acceptable to anyone besides your mother.

Rockstar 07/13/07 9:32 am

This thread is lame! Who gives a shit... If you dont like the "sale" dont look at it and dont buy anything from it. Its not that hard...And to those of you that jump on the bandwagon o' stupidity.....Here are some questions to ask yourself before you comment, 1. Did someone else write this or something close to it b4 me? 2.Is this really funny? #3 Did it take you more then 3 min. to come up with your "witty" comment? if you answered yes to one or more of these questions, close your comment box and try again retard....if you can't say anything funny and original dont say anything at all!

Max 07/13/07 3:45 pm

I think it was a pretty good email.don't hate :)

.... 07/13/07 8:18 pm

Why are you guys arguing about this? I clicked on the "view comments" link expecting to see things like "wow, this guy is really overreacting to something so mundane."
Hippies.

TBarb 07/14/07 1:45 am

I have to side with this guy. T-shirt Hell is a definite scam... not like those people that make bottled water. Seriously, pouring religiously chemically treated tap water into a bottle then marketing it as a pure product brewed by sorcerers and alligators atop Mount Kilamanjaro is a competent, transparent and dignified business.

Oh, that reminds me about people that sell other things over the Internet. No, those pop-ups are good things! They don't infect your computer and compromise network security! These are people that just want to sell you high quality penis enlargement products and transsexual porn WITHOUT an incident of identity theft due to a fisher site linked from one of these pop-ups called "horny naked boys licking rooster cock" (get it? Cock's cock! HAHAHA!).

And I win.

jb 07/25/07 9:40 am

ok, so this guy complains that the shirts aren't sized correctly to suit his own size needs when they go on special sale or whatever right? Then he finishes off with "make your WORTHLESS customers happy"..??? hhmm.. that's just too easy...so i'm just gonna say....mmmkkk..

-----Original Message-----

From: Karl J.
Sent: Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Subject: your mother is a fucking whore who eats my shit

I have visited your site and all I can say is that your mother is a fucking whore who eats my crap. You are blocked, stupid whore. I shit on your face.

Editor's Note: Dad?

Wait...my dad hasn't written ever since he lost his arms in that "me intentionally cutting them off" accident. Well, whoever you are, thanks for the trip down memory lane.

It's just a shame that you've decided to block us. Just as we are about to start our new monthly segment - "How to Stop Being a Taint-Licking Twat." Your timing couldn't have been worse.

Comments (13) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Jessica 07/10/07 5:06 pm

this made me laugh.....hard...lol

criztine 07/10/07 10:16 pm

jeesus fuck, I laughed so hard I nearly squirted, that was vicious funny!

Harry Bastard 07/11/07 1:03 am

Sexual obsession with feces, Karl with a "K"... must be German.

I think that's actually one of the more sucessful pickup lines translated into english.

Grant MacGregor 07/11/07 4:58 pm

face shitting grerman...hell no man thats all jap...I see thats shit all the time on the net...while nip schoolsgirls suck on my tentacle

Ben 07/12/07 1:42 am

am i the only one left wondering why grant goes online all the time to look at "face shitting japs"...

Mustard Dick 07/12/07 3:00 am

The old shit in the face trick. I've seen it a thousand times.

Iman Azol 07/12/07 9:23 am

Shitting between her tits while tossing a load of jizz in her face is called a "hot lunch." What's it called when you shit in her face and toss off on her tits? Retarded?

Veronica 07/12/07 9:49 am

He just wants to be your friend. You guys can be morning drinking buddies.

Kerfuffle 07/12/07 11:54 am

Iman Azol - I call that dinner and flick.

Rockstar 07/13/07 10:09 am

mmmmmmmm corn speckled trout my favorite! Fresh out of the Anal River too....you are one lucky girl!

TBarb 07/14/07 1:50 am

Well, if I'm going to leave one comment about what the psychologically unstable, I best not stop. I have to say, that was quite possibly the most pointless and futile of pointless and futile expressions in the history of pointless and futile expressions.

Yes, it actually beats out Michael Moore's publicity stunts. Telling a humor sight to eat your shit 3 times in a row is not only stupid, but I think it's also a test for Downs syndrome.

Laughin 07/16/07 10:09 am

Wow Karl, your mad. Why don 't you participate in a Javelin catch fuckin retard

funny so funny 07/24/07 2:50 am

t-shirt hell fucking rules. all of this stuff is real funny.
so funny that I died twenty minutes ago and a lame muggle gost is actually typing this..
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

-----Original Message-----

From: LYLE T.
Sent: Sunday, July 01, 2007
Subject: terrible tee shirt

I just wanted to tell your company, as a mother of two amazing children, that your "All Daddy Wanted Was A Blow job" shirt is offensive and entirely HORRIFIC that you would even produce such a shirt. I will be trying to find ways to get this shirt taken off the market. It's not funny, witty, or cute.

Thank you,
Nikki T.

Editor's Note: Your children aren't amazing. I just wanted to say that before we went any further. You know that "amazing" thing Tyler did? About a million other kids did that yesterday. Whether he came in second at the swim meet, or he got an A on his spelling test, or he just stopped eating glue, it wasn't amazing. It was average at best. And little Becky sucked in that play.

But I'm not here to insult your pathetic kids. I'm here to insult pathetic you. You're a waste of a human. You, James Dobson, and all your ilk champion the cause of decency just to convince yourselves that your lives mean something, but they don't. You've failed. The kid who drew a picture of you and wrote 'I wuv my mommy' on it is the same kid who's going to be snorting coke off a hooker's ass in ten years if he isn't already.

So go ahead and get all of our shirts taken off the market. It'll just make it that much more ironic when your kids shoot you in the face and sodomize your corpse.

Comments (42) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Koneko 07/10/07 5:08 pm

But we're all for keeping the "All Mommy Wanted Was a Backrub" shirt right?

Kevin 07/10/07 6:08 pm

Wow, what a raging thunder-cunt! So does this mean that retarded kids are going to be called amazing instead of special from now on?

Nick Maro 07/10/07 7:34 pm

They can't be amazing. Nor can those little shitlings be spectacular, sensational or neighborhood friendly. Marvel Comics has a copyright on those adjectives. Stupid twat. Learn to suck a dick and teach your kids to play in traffic.

Barbara 07/10/07 8:53 pm

I think that's one of the more amusing shirts. Actually, I've never found any of them offensive and I enjoy all the clever sayings. These people that get so bent out of shape over t-shirts really need to get a grip.

Harry Bastard 07/10/07 10:50 pm

Daddy should have stuck to blowjobs. What's horrific is that you've passed your genes to two innocent children

Twisted Father Figure 07/10/07 11:38 pm

I showed my wife this shirt, and she went into fucking hysterics over it! We ordered that one, and the "All Mommy Wanted Was A Backrub" for our two-year-old son, and have been loving the expressions we've been getting from unwary onlookers ever since! Why must people be such drab, uninteresting cunts all the time? THIS SHIRT IS FUCKING FUNNY! What's so hard to understand? Humor is what it is...and sadly, some humorless dipshits will just never understand this concept...

The Emissary 07/11/07 5:03 am

Actually, it is funny and if you hadn't brought it to my attention i wouldn't know what to get this guy i know for his wedding gift. Before i read this i was just going to shit in an envelope and post it to him. thank you, Nikki T.

Tinkerbell 07/11/07 5:24 am

I have never understood why people complain about these shirts. If you dont like them, why bother to visit the site in the first place?!?

Phillynets 07/11/07 10:00 am

Dude, that's the shirt that hooked me to T-Shirt Hell in the first place. My Dyke, Ex-wife threaten ed to sue me if I put it on my kids again... Which explains while I'm screwing a fat, hairy attorney from Newark.

ME 07/11/07 2:12 pm

Quick every one close your eyes and it will go away or put your head in the sand

Kerfuffle 07/11/07 3:49 pm

Nikki, while your out "trying to find ways to get this shirt off the market" you might as well go ahead and research all the painful and embarrassing methods for self-assassination, since that outcome would actually make this world a better place. Go ahead, Nikki, kill yourself. Two “amazing” kids shouldn’t have to endure the punishment of being raised by a douche drinker.

Eric J 07/11/07 5:56 pm

I never thought this shirt would piss off someone so much. That is great! I am going to order some for my kids. Although, they are aren't amazing, they are average at best, but at least the shirts they wear will cause a few people like Nikki T. to become so enraged at something so stupid they will die an early death. Then I will have done my part!

good luck there, slappy 07/12/07 12:53 am

The poor twat doesn't seem to understand that "THE MARKET" IS T-Shirt Hell! And what a great cause she's embarked upon. Darfur? Iran? Iraq? North Korea? High taxes? Kids on drugs? Fuck all that - she'd rather make sure a baby's t-shirt gets taken "off the market." Let us all know how that works out, babe.

Ben 07/12/07 1:47 am

ok, id just like to say you should remove alot of your customers, i find them far more offensive than any tshirt youve produced. not in an OMG THATS NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT kind of way, but in an oh god thats cringeworthy, stop being such a tryhard kind of way.

Big Guy 07/12/07 6:15 am

The "Daddy" who should have gotten the "Blow Job" was Nikki T's. She sure was a waste of good sperm, just like she's a waste of good air. Nikki T: Stop polluting the environment with your exhalations, QUIT BREATHING!
In the meanwhile, may T-SHIRT HELL continue to make shirts to piss people off. For some, it will be the only exercise they get.

Danofloveland 07/12/07 9:18 am

I think the editor's note are cool, but is it even safe writing this? Is anyone safe?? What-ever happened with the "name-change" contest, missing my "i kill clowns" e-mail address, Daniel

Iman Azol 07/12/07 9:28 am

Call your Congressman, Nikki.

Oh, wait. He's getting blown by a contributor between fucking his page in the ass. But I'm sure if you lick it clean he'll promise to have TSH shut down.

He won't do it. But he'll promise.

I promise a free taste of cock-butter for the first five applicants.

rjenman 07/12/07 3:49 pm

I think being an absolute asshole to someone who is overly and innapropriately sensitive to tshirts that YOU YOURELF claim to be offensive, and oh, have even gone to "t shirt hell" because theyre so bad, just in case you have fans out there who think its funny that you're an asshole rather than JUST THINK YOUR SHIRTS ARE FUNNY, is moronic, and you are a cunt for being such a cunt to people. Get fucked.

Aly 07/12/07 5:06 pm

I bought that shirt when my youngest was born! I was just beyond annoyed with all of the little old ladies (who always smell like muscle rub, for some strange reason) coming up to us in the grocery store ooing and ahing over the "precious little angel" and staring "polite" conversation.. no matter how many times I said "he's a little screeching banshee eating sleeping shitting and puking machine" they just wouldn't go away! Heh.. the shirt worked! and I LOVE it!

Anewasshole 07/12/07 5:36 pm

Please don't listen to rjenman, unless moronic was what you all were going for.
I used to be a nice guy but eventually the assholes in my life won. I've wised up and am working hard to become an asshole too. Everyone here is an asshole. That is my favorite part of TSH. I find that I grow even more from reading the News from Hell section and the asshole comments here than from watching America's Funniest Videos. Fuck all you assholes!

Krow Magnum 07/13/07 12:29 am

Too bad Nikki's daddy didn't want a blow job from her mommy, but I understand..... Nikki's mommy gives lousy head.

lick_tulips 07/13/07 12:53 am

She must not have seen the "How Dare I Wear This Goddamn Shirt in Front of Your Fucking Kids" shirt....

Rockstar 07/13/07 10:36 am

Anewasshole, I am offended that you would call me an asshole, because that I am not! I am a bitch that hates stupid people like you! But since today is national help a retard day I will let you in on a secret, your comment sucked and you should not admit to ANYONE that you get your inspiration from America's Funniest Videos...But hang in there sunshine I hear they are come'n out with cherry flavored windows to keep you from commenting on sites like this for grown ups

TBarb 07/14/07 1:55 am

Aw, shucks! They all sound off on the blatantly offensive messages... and maybe I should regard my spelling a little closer... and curb my usage of ellipses... but who fucking cares?!

I can't imagine how or why some people think every shirt made by TSH is hilarious - except for one (or more)! I guess some of these people need a hug. Either that or a BJ!

Mike 07/14/07 2:21 am

Iam laughing so hard at the letters and replies. I think I should have pissed first as I just pissed myself... Keep up the good work. Oh, and fuck George Bush in the ass for me.

Chief 07/14/07 4:35 am

You are the best!

Me 07/14/07 10:23 am

This stuff is funny!

Becky 07/14/07 10:51 am

Wow...It's always amazing when one of the less offensive t-shirts gets blasted. I mean, there have honestly got to be a lot of children born to fathers who would have truely rather had a blowjob.

patrick 07/14/07 12:28 pm

Hey, if any of you potential fathers out there would like that blowjob instead of worrying whether or not that stupid cunt you call a wife or girlfriend is really on birth control, look me up.

zamzad66 07/14/07 1:54 pm

I like pie all kinds of pie that is my 2 cents worth of petty stupidity.. but i like these shirts here ! some of these ideas are out of the box and hilarious, and oh yeah the arguing is funny to bitch and moan more all so i can laugh :-p

TBarb 07/15/07 4:39 pm

Sorry, Pat. Most of us "Potential Fathers" will pass on your offer. Myself included.

anewasshole 07/15/07 5:39 pm

Thanks for the love, Rockstar. I just wasted millions of our potential children all over my keyboard. Good thing I'm a retard. I don't have to touch the keyboard because I type with a stick on my head.

Taylor 07/16/07 6:26 pm

I hope those kids were twins because i can't imagine anything having sex with that woman twice. unless they were like dead or something.

Lala 07/17/07 6:30 pm

living proof that some men will fuck anything.

D'Arcy J 07/18/07 6:42 pm

How many, whining, shit-eating retards are out there, if you don't like something, ignore it, it's not like T-Shirt Hell came directly to your double wide trailer, that's if you can afford a double-wide, (man they fuckin' sweet) and forceably made you, or any of your fucktard children wear them. Second of all, I bet their Daddys, (note there were probably two different men) actually only wanted a blow-job. I bet you spat into your hand afterwards and shoved it up your cooter. Well that's enough from this Canadian Boy. Peace Out Bitches!

Laura 07/22/07 11:05 pm

If daddy had only wanted a blow job, that's all he would've gotten.

Also, I often wonder what these people who threaten to get the shirts removed actually do to accomplish their goal. Smart money is on: nothing.

Malice 07/24/07 12:20 am

I understand who you feel totally and completely Nikki! Seriously, just yesterday, I was on my computer, and these bandits broke in, tied me to my computer chair, and forcibly made me look at all these horrendous things. And I was so hurt and offended, that, I too, am trying to get things pulled off of a popular, money making, tax paying website. I mean, it's only common sense to do so, right?

Choke, you uppity bitch.

Jb 07/25/07 9:22 am

....and this shirt is offensive to you, why? let me guess...T-Shirt Hell took over your computer, forced you to look at their site, and then came to your house and forced your kids to wear that shirt right? Oh, no? hhmm...well then, you should get off the comp and live vicariously through your "amazing" children..get a life lady, seriously.

isniffpixistix 07/25/07 7:47 pm

*sigh*...now they need a baby shirt that says "how dare my fucking child wear this goddamn shirt in front of your twat-sucking face." (c) and if i see this shirt on this website, id damn well better be getting some cash. (cant be too careful, right).

Anthony Pittarelli 07/26/07 4:09 pm

maybe all daddy wanted was a tag team blow job and an eye socket

Wayne Danberry 07/30/07 10:54 pm

You actually used the word "Ilk" The only thing missing is the "M". My pathetic kids will be trying to sell T shirts on the internet. Hi son!

Wayne Danberry 07/30/07 11:01 pm

Oops, I forgot, PEACE!

You Don't Have To Go Home, But You Can't Keep Doing That
in the Public Library

The unexamined life is not worth living. And neither is the examined life.

Peace