Band Geek Hero is a new site started by our butt ugly sister site, and features Guitar Hero parodies with over 30 different instruments to choose from. If you're a hotass band geek who goes to special camps or whatever, then get ready to jump for joy (kill yourself)!

To get to Band Geek Hero, navigate to it on or you can go directly to

They are offering 25% off all BGH items if you're a Torsopants member. Enjoy your stupid nonsense.

long division


How about this economy? It sure is one hell of a roller coaster ride. What? You've never been on a roller coaster that just keeps dragging you farther and farther down and shows no signs of ever ascending, and the only way you can get off is by putting a shotgun in your mouth?

Eddie Murphy says he'll stop making movies a little over two years from now when he turns 50. Murphy had this to say to his fans: "Sorry, black people. But from now on if you want comedy that insults the intelligence of a five-year-old, you'll have to turn Martin Lawrence, the Wayans Brothers, or Tyler Perry. I think I've left you in good hands. Now where's the fat suit for my last three movies?"

Jamie Lynn Spears recently gave birth to her daughter, Maddie Briann Becka Lynn Jobeth Susie May Twinkie Old Milwaukee Spears. And the family is happy to report that Jamie Lynn's daughter is pregnant with twin girls, each of whom is pregnant with triplets. Three cheers for breeders! Hip hip- I'm gonna go hang myself.

New DNA evidence has cleared the parents of Jon Benet Ramsey of the murder of their daughter. This begs the question: Who did kill Jon Benet? Thankfully some clues were left at the scene. The police are currently searching for the owner of a really old Buffalo Bills jersey and a copy of every Naked Gun movie.

Karl Rove defied a congressional subpoena and refused to testify about allegations of political pressure at the Justice Department. I've got something to tell you. Lean in a little closer. A little closer.

Karl Rove is kind of a dick. Don't tell anyone I told you.

Jesse Jackson recently apologized for crude comments he made about Barack Obama. Obama accepted Mr. Jackson's apology and then added "Which one is he again? Is he the 'Hymietown' guy or the Tawana Brawley guy? Whatever. I'd just like to thank them both for lowering the bar for black leaders."

Speaking of Obama, the presidential hopeful said he regrets allowing his daughters, ages 7 and 10, to be interviewed on Access Hollywood. And Access Hollywood viewers were just as displeased as the Senator. Said one typical Access Hollywood viewer, "Their answers were waaaaay over my head."

long division


It is my sad duty to report some bad news to anyone who is a fan of existing (so I'm out). Last week Iran tested several long- and medium-range missiles (and some snazzy new curly toed shoes the media failed to mention). Anyone belonging to an organized religion already knows what this means, but let me drop some knowledge on you silly fools who only believe things based on the knowledge mankind has gained over the past 2000 years: Armageddon is at our doorstep.

Thankfully I still have my Armageddon survival kit prepared from the last time Armageddon was threatened. Which brings me to whether or not this Iran situation is a plausible threat to bring the world to an end? In my short time on this planet it seems I've endured the possible annihilation of humanity a couple dozen times already.

So, what separates this Apocalypse from all the others? That's simple. This time it's happening in the present. We all know serious threats are happening NOW. We can ignore those other Apocalypses (Apocalypsi?) because they're in the past. We were right to freak out about them then, because then it was now, but now that they're then, those threats don't seem so serious. But the current that threat is severe.

All these religious people shouting "ARMAGEDDON!" every time something fucked up happens in the Middle East (which happens more often than I choke myself with a belt, if you can believe it) bring to mind the story of the boy who cried wolf. The difference, of course, is that threats of Armageddon are inherently bullshit.

A boy who cries wolf actually stands a chance of being attacked by a wolf, whereas this idea that mankind will be destroyed in one neatly packaged little event is nonsense at its very core. How far removed from the BC era do we need to be before the Church can stop dangling our destruction over our heads? If God didn't feel like bringing the pain for the last couple hundred generations of humans, why would he do it now? What the fuck is he waiting for, someone to trump Hitler?

But religion isn't solely responsible for scaring us with the end of days. Science is all too eager to try and scare with its own doomsday scenarios. Water levels, food shortages, pollution, blah blah balls. Religion and science both seem to be whores constantly competing for our collective attention. "I'm religion, look at my tits!" "I'm science, look at my tits!" Fuck, you're both so fat and ugly.

Whether it's being predicted by scientists who invoke global warming at the drop of a hat or by religious leaders who invoke the second coming at the drop of a large jewel-covered hat, humanity being wiped out is a load. Humanity is on auto-pilot. We keep assuming the end times are here because deep down we're secretly hoping this sad little circus will come to an end, but it never will.

We're just going to keep on reproducing because we like to fuck. And we're going to keep on believing the world is coming to an end because humanity is perpetually shitty. Just as our generation believes our time is almost up, every generation that came before thought the same thing. Yet here we remain, covering the planet with blood and pancake houses.

Even if our time was drawing near, do you really think there's anything you could do about it? Conserve energy and recycle? Nice try, hippie, but you're not gonna frighten me into being environmentally friendly. Repent my sins? Right, maybe if God gives me ten years to get my list together.

I guess my basic point is that mankind isn't going away. If believing this will all be over in a couple years helps you avoid saving for your kid's education or have unprotected sex with strangers, then go right ahead. But just know that in reality you are going to live to be 90, and every day until then will suck. The end (of this article) is here.

Comments (0) - Add A Comment


-----Original Message-----

From: Drake

Your tshirts are not funny anymore. They are literally not funny. That one, about pointing to what you want to say at a noisy bar, is NOT funny. I have been monitoring your site for funny t-s as long as I can remember, and, you have lost all credibility. I wish you well

Editor's Note: You've been monitoring our shirts as long as you can remember? Jesus Christ, that's sad. I don't even keep track of all our shirts and I sort of work here. I didn't even realize "I Support Single Moms" was ours until I accidentally stumbled across our site while trying to hook up with some bisexual strippers.

I really don't care that our shirts are literally not funny anymore. As long as they are still figuratively funny, that's all that matters. Actually, not even that matters. All that matters is people are still buying them. I don't know why those people keep buying shirts that are literally not funny, but to each his own (except for Jews).

As to us losing our credibility, not to sound like a broken record, but who gives a fuck? When's the last time you paid for a lap dance with credibility? Just try it some time. "Excuse me miss, could you mash your boobs in my face in exchange for my good name and honor?" You do that and you'll be saying goodbye to Kandi before you can even smell her despair.

Comments (0) - Add A Comment

joy division

-----Original Message-----

From: Jon M.

While I frequently find your shirts to be just wrong, I always find them funny. Until today. The "1620 Time" shirt needs to go. Disrespect whoever else you want, but leave all of the Soldiers, Sailors, Marines and Airmen out there (and those of us who've come home) who are putting their lives on the line so that YOU can sit here, drinking beer, smoking pot and creating funny ass tshirts, ALONE. If you can take down the "My Mexican makes more that your Mexican" tshirt, then you can take this trash down before too many people see it.

Don't support the war. Support the troops.


Editor's Note: So, you don't want us to disrespect anyone in the military? Fine, I will disrespect Jon M. the person, not Jon M. the soldier.

You, Jon (person, not soldier), are a bag of the stuff the gynecologist throws away at the end of the day. I'm sure as a soldier you did a fine job of getting pissed on and being called a "Fucking pussy" by your C.O., but as a man you are a fucking tool and deserve to be raped by the same goats you probably fucked while in the Middle East.

I hope that appeases you. Probably not, since the shirt is still up, but whatever.

Support our troops (Except Jon - That guy's a cunt).

Comments (0) - Add A Comment

division of labor

-----Original Message-----

From: Joey

I wish you guys would make an Indiana Jones T-Shirt. I don't know, maybe him whipping Marion or even a shirt that says President Ford. I met Harrison at Teterboro Airport and a friend of mine had the Han Job shirt on and he got a big kick out of it. We didn't say where the shirt came from, but it did make him laugh.

I'm glad he wore the shirt too cause Ive been there a couple of times to get stuff signed and I was getting the feeling he would start to get sick of seeing me and think I was a stalker. He keeps his "beaver" there at Teterboro. I'm begging you not to say anything cause nobody really knows about it and it's been nice and quiet anytime we ran into him.

If people start going there to see him and get autographs, then they'll start in with the security guards and cops and then he'll just stop coming altogether. I just wanted to share this story with you. By the way Harrison likes to toke, swear to God!!! As a smoker myself, I could smell it!!! I hope to Christ he doesnt fly that way, but think about it, whos gonna know at 10,000 feet???

Editor's Note: You've got it, Joey. We will respect your wishes and not share with our readers that Harrison Ford can often be found at Teterboro Airport, located 12 miles from midtown Manhattan, via the George Washington Bridge or Lincoln Tunnel.

And I certainly wouldn't suggest to anyone that they bring along all the Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Blade Runner memorabilia they can get their hands on and ask him to sign it all so they can sell it on Ebay. And they certainly shouldn't have their picture taken with him so potential buyers can make sure the autograph is authentic.

Wait a appears I've gone against your request. Oh well, it's not like I have to include this in the newsletter. I mean, as I sit here typing this I could very easily choose to omit this entire response and initial email. But it appears I haven't done that. I could have then, but it's too late now. What just happened?

Side note: Harrison Ford is a dick.

Comments (0) - Add A Comment

does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Submission-----

From: Jeff

Oh my god you guys are so funny! Hate must be selling big time! I mean, you actually sell this garbage, right? It's not just up here to show eveyone what tools you are, right? Oh my god, you guys are so funny! I hate women, too, but god, I could never be this funny. Really. You're so funny. Like, really funny. Wow. Wait, are you still reading this you utter tool?

Editor's Note: Hey, that was pretty good. Now let me give it a try.

Oh my god! You are so enlightened and sensitive to the plight of women! Guys like you are really in touch and understand the troubles of the downtrodden because you pretend to be upset by jokes which actually hurt no one! You've recognized that judging others by their humor affords you the ability to feel morally and intellectually superior to them when all it actually means is you have no sense of humor and your feelings of disgust concerning our products are merely self-manufactured delusion!

How was that? I think it was pretty good. Unlike you, I didn't attend college and take "Sarcastic Twat 101," but I did my best. Later, Jeff. Give your bitch one for me. Oh, who am I kidding? We all know you're the bitch in the relationship.

Comments (0) - Add A Comment

division of labor

[Until Next Blah]

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Also, Hell doesn't consider itself "scorned" just because you didn't want to hang out with Hell's cunty friends.



digg   Digg it   delicious   reddit   Reddit   stumble   Stumble it