BRAND NEW TORSOPANTS!
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
FUCKING CLASSY
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
ONE IN THE TINK
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
I INVENTED A NEW DRINKING GAME - ITS CALLED DRINK TILL YOU'LL FUCK ME
WHITE FLOUR!
STRAIGHT
WHO NEEDS BIG TITS? WHEN YOU HAVE AN ASS LIKE THIS

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Band Geek Hero is a new site started by our butt ugly sister site, TorsoPants.com and features Guitar Hero parodies with over 30 different instruments to choose from. If you're a hotass band geek who goes to special camps or whatever, then get ready to jump for joy (kill yourself)!

To get to Band Geek Hero, navigate to it on Torsopants.com or you can go directly to BandGeekHero.com.

They are offering 25% off all BGH items if you're a Torsopants member. Enjoy your stupid nonsense.


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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

How about this economy? It sure is one hell of a roller coaster ride. What? You've never been on a roller coaster that just keeps dragging you farther and farther down and shows no signs of ever ascending, and the only way you can get off is by putting a shotgun in your mouth?

Eddie Murphy says he'll stop making movies a little over two years from now when he turns 50. Murphy had this to say to his fans: "Sorry, black people. But from now on if you want comedy that insults the intelligence of a five-year-old, you'll have to turn Martin Lawrence, the Wayans Brothers, or Tyler Perry. I think I've left you in good hands. Now where's the fat suit for my last three movies?"

Jamie Lynn Spears recently gave birth to her daughter, Maddie Briann Becka Lynn Jobeth Susie May Twinkie Old Milwaukee Spears. And the family is happy to report that Jamie Lynn's daughter is pregnant with twin girls, each of whom is pregnant with triplets. Three cheers for breeders! Hip hip- I'm gonna go hang myself.

New DNA evidence has cleared the parents of Jon Benet Ramsey of the murder of their daughter. This begs the question: Who did kill Jon Benet? Thankfully some clues were left at the scene. The police are currently searching for the owner of a really old Buffalo Bills jersey and a copy of every Naked Gun movie.

Karl Rove defied a congressional subpoena and refused to testify about allegations of political pressure at the Justice Department. I've got something to tell you. Lean in a little closer. A little closer.

Karl Rove is kind of a dick. Don't tell anyone I told you.

Jesse Jackson recently apologized for crude comments he made about Barack Obama. Obama accepted Mr. Jackson's apology and then added "Which one is he again? Is he the 'Hymietown' guy or the Tawana Brawley guy? Whatever. I'd just like to thank them both for lowering the bar for black leaders."

Speaking of Obama, the presidential hopeful said he regrets allowing his daughters, ages 7 and 10, to be interviewed on Access Hollywood. And Access Hollywood viewers were just as displeased as the Senator. Said one typical Access Hollywood viewer, "Their answers were waaaaay over my head."

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It is my sad duty to report some bad news to anyone who is a fan of existing (so I'm out). Last week Iran tested several long- and medium-range missiles (and some snazzy new curly toed shoes the media failed to mention). Anyone belonging to an organized religion already knows what this means, but let me drop some knowledge on you silly fools who only believe things based on the knowledge mankind has gained over the past 2000 years: Armageddon is at our doorstep.

Thankfully I still have my Armageddon survival kit prepared from the last time Armageddon was threatened. Which brings me to whether or not this Iran situation is a plausible threat to bring the world to an end? In my short time on this planet it seems I've endured the possible annihilation of humanity a couple dozen times already.

So, what separates this Apocalypse from all the others? That's simple. This time it's happening in the present. We all know serious threats are happening NOW. We can ignore those other Apocalypses (Apocalypsi?) because they're in the past. We were right to freak out about them then, because then it was now, but now that they're then, those threats don't seem so serious. But the current one...now that threat is severe.

All these religious people shouting "ARMAGEDDON!" every time something fucked up happens in the Middle East (which happens more often than I choke myself with a belt, if you can believe it) bring to mind the story of the boy who cried wolf. The difference, of course, is that threats of Armageddon are inherently bullshit.

A boy who cries wolf actually stands a chance of being attacked by a wolf, whereas this idea that mankind will be destroyed in one neatly packaged little event is nonsense at its very core. How far removed from the BC era do we need to be before the Church can stop dangling our destruction over our heads? If God didn't feel like bringing the pain for the last couple hundred generations of humans, why would he do it now? What the fuck is he waiting for, someone to trump Hitler?

But religion isn't solely responsible for scaring us with the end of days. Science is all too eager to try and scare with its own doomsday scenarios. Water levels, food shortages, pollution, blah blah balls. Religion and science both seem to be whores constantly competing for our collective attention. "I'm religion, look at my tits!" "I'm science, look at my tits!" Fuck, you're both so fat and ugly.

Whether it's being predicted by scientists who invoke global warming at the drop of a hat or by religious leaders who invoke the second coming at the drop of a large jewel-covered hat, humanity being wiped out is a load. Humanity is on auto-pilot. We keep assuming the end times are here because deep down we're secretly hoping this sad little circus will come to an end, but it never will.

We're just going to keep on reproducing because we like to fuck. And we're going to keep on believing the world is coming to an end because humanity is perpetually shitty. Just as our generation believes our time is almost up, every generation that came before thought the same thing. Yet here we remain, covering the planet with blood and pancake houses.

Even if our time was drawing near, do you really think there's anything you could do about it? Conserve energy and recycle? Nice try, hippie, but you're not gonna frighten me into being environmentally friendly. Repent my sins? Right, maybe if God gives me ten years to get my list together.

I guess my basic point is that mankind isn't going away. If believing this will all be over in a couple years helps you avoid saving for your kid's education or have unprotected sex with strangers, then go right ahead. But just know that in reality you are going to live to be 90, and every day until then will suck. The end (of this article) is here.


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