The Mid-July Thing
Hello, and welcome to the Order of the Lesbian Rapists. I'm sorry, this is the wrong newsletter. Welcome to another edition of the T-Shirt Hell newsletter. Let's get right to the news.
The World Cup finally ended and for the first time in its history something cool happened. Some douche head-butted some fag in the chest. In other words, the first time something of note happened in soccer it was a player doing something he wasn't supposed to. It was kind of like the crashes in NASCAR. You can waste ten hours watching it or you can catch the only ten seconds worth seeing on ESPN.
Ken Lay recently died after North Korea fired a tiny missile at his heart. Rest in peace, Kenny. Screw some angels out of their pensions for me. In entertainment news, Emmy nominations were recently announced. Not to be outdone, the Snuff Film Awards recently announced their nominations. And I'm happy to announce I was nominated for seven Snuffies. See you on the red carpet, Joan!
Is It Offensive in Here, Or Is It Just These New Shirts?
I have great news about our latest batch of new shirts. I've traveled into the future and it turns out these shirts have brought about world peace. It should be noted that in this future I speak of, the only humans left on Earth are me and a group of Malaysian midgets. So unless you're a Malaysian midget, I guess you'll have to take world peace with a grain of salt.
Regardless, these new shirts are fantastic. We've got a shirt that offends Texans and/or retards. We've added a Malcolm X shirt for a generation that likes their civil rights "to the max!" We've also included the perfect responses to born again Christians and people that "heart" NY. And finally, we've corrected a shirt that we didn't get right the first time. I'm big enough to admit my mistakes. You can eat your apology out of my smelly pussy.
All of our new shirts are here:
The Time for Talk and Action Has Passed - It's Time for Doing Nothing
North Korea recently test-fired nuclear missiles and I think I speak for all Americans when I say "BFD." And I'd like to add "big fucking deal." Does anyone genuinely give a shit that North Korea is testing missiles? We all pretend we do so we'll look like caring, informed individuals, but let's be honest, none of us really give two fucks. And it is in this vein that the government could learn a thing or two from the general public.
Whether the problem is North Korea testing missiles or Iran enriching uranium, politicians are always split on how we should handle a situation. Half of them call for diplomacy and the other half call for action. All the while, the most obvious solution is right under their nose. Indifference. Indifference is highly underrated and is, perhaps, the most powerful weapon in a government's arsenal. America, even more than other nations, should be aware of this. American citizens are among the most indifferent and apathetic in the world, and as a result of this, our government is able to neglect and ignore us.
And if it works for their citizenry, why shouldn't it work in dealing with other countries? We all know North Korea is only testing missiles for attention. Kim Jong Il is basically just a seven-year-old boy doing a handstand saying "Look what I can do." My advice to our leaders is to ignore him. It's the same principle as ignoring the kid making fun of your weight problem. As soon as we show him we don't give a shit he'll leave us alone.
Now, he may go ahead and launch one into Los Angeles, but don't let that scare you into a whole "caring" thing. That will just be him testing you and you have to be steadfast in your apathy. If you show the slightest sign that you care he'll just keep doing it. But if he wipes out LA and you do nothing, he'll get the point. He might destroy Sacramento or a couple other west coast cities, but just let it slide. The beautiful part is, if you pretend to not care for long enough, pretty soon you sincerely won't care. That's when you will have won the fight. When you no longer care about the fight.
I realize this solution sounds very easy, which is kind of the point, but there are a couple of things we have to do before we stop doing anything. The first thing we have to do is pull our troops out of Iraq. How is it supposed to look like we don't care about our freedom when we're fighting for someone else's?
Lastly, we can't apply this policy to threats of violence only. If a country is seeking humanitarian aid or financial support, we must be unwavering in our desire to show absolutely no interest. The second we put our guard up the enemy will realize we do care, and we can't let that happen. So when yet another earthquake kills yet another 3,000 people in Indonesia we must greet them with a hearty "Whatever." It is the only way we can protect our safety and freedom. Not that we'll give a shit about it.
Hate for Sale - $8 For a Stabbing Or Two for Free
From: Andrew H.
Sent: Monday, May 29, 2006 7:50 PM
Subject: New Canadian T-Shirt
I just want to say that I find your New Canadian T-shirt totally Inoffensive. My mother even wants one (Until she saw your other shirts). For a company that easily offend anyone I hoped you would try harder for your first Canadian T-shirts.
(Editor's Note: I'm sorry we didn't do a better job of insulting our neighbors to the north. But to be honest with you, I didn't even know Canada existed until someone submitted that shirt idea. I always assumed that area north of the United States was just a vast wasteland that only existed so Americans would have somewhere to go once global warming has made living here unbearable.
Thankfully someone submitted a shirt idea about Canada. At the time I didn't know what Canada was, so I did some research on the subject. Turns out there's an entire nation north of us. And I may be exaggerating, but I hear that they have more than 1,000 citizens. That's mighty impressive. So you just hang in there, Canada. One of these days you might even get your very own flag. And when you finally get electricity, just remember that it's not magic.
And to you, Jarod, let me promise you that now that I know what Canada is, I will get right to work on a very insensitive and highly offensive shirt about Canada. Perhaps I'll compare them to you, a "man" that spends his time discussing shirts with his mother and sharing an e-mail address with Andrew H. I don't want to jump to conclusions, so you'll have to tell me if you're a loser or gay or a gay loser. In any case, I'll get right to work on a shirt that has to meet the expectations of really cool people that hang out with their mothers and ask their friends if they can use their computers to complain about shirts.)
From: acc*** @ pac***.com
Sent: Friday, June 02, 2006 6:14 PM
Subject: remove me email address
Please please remove my e-mail address -------- Your editor is so so prejudice against African Americans . It's so said.
"Dance like no one is watching and Love like you've never been hurt"
(Editor's Note: For the last time - just because I hate myself doesn't mean I have a problem with black people. I hate myself and I HAPPEN to be black, the two things are unrelated. I'm just kidding. That is precisely why I hate myself. And it's why I hate at least seven of my seventeen kids. And why I hate half of each of the remaining ten kids.
But seriously, I hope nothing I wrote implied that I'm prejudiced against African Americans. That statement is unfair to all the other dark-skinned races I'm prejudiced against. I hate people based on skin color, not nation of origin. By saying I'm prejudiced against African Americans you're implying that I don't have a problem with the black people in Africa or the Dominican Republic. Similarly, if a white guy moved here from Europe I wouldn't judge him based on the fact that he was European. I'd judge him based on which shade of white he was. Whether I liked him a lot or a little would depend on where he fell on my color chart.
I hope that clears things up, but before I go let me say one more thing. And this goes out to the world. Don't end your e-mails with a standard quote. When you do that you're just displaying you don't have an original thought. Reading as many e-mails as I do, I come across this quite frequently. And nine times out of ten it's the most indecipherable, ignorant bullshit you've ever read followed by a classic quote. So just stop it. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.")
From: faida j.
Sent: Wednesday, June 14, 2006 4:21
Subject: humorless t-shirts
Your 'Arrest Black Babies...before they become criminals' is so STOOOOPID!!!!!! How about "Arrest The Designer...after being a pathetic asshole!" Can it get any sillier than this?! Unfortunately so. Get a life!!! and not including us!!!!
(Editor's Note: You fucking idiot. There are only two O's in stoopid. Concerning your shirt idea, you would need to replace 'after' with 'for'. Saying 'after' suggests that the designer is not yet a pathetic asshole and you would have to wait for him/her to become one before you made the arrest. But that's an understandable mistake. Other than that, it's a pretty interesting idea.
I would also suggest that you use a better adjective than 'silly' to describe something you deem racist. On a list of adjectives to describe racism, silly ranks about 1,000, right behind zany and nutty. I mean, it's not 'silly' when I beat an Asian to death with a cinder block. Now I'm off to honor your wishes and get a life. And I'll be sure not to include you, whatever the fuck that means.)
From: JACK A.
Sent: Thursday, June 15, 2006 5:11 AM
G'day, I don't want to waste too much of your time, so I'll be brief. I recieve your monthly "thing" and laugh out loud in some places. Also, I'm a Christian and appreciate the humour in jokes that take the piss out of God and Jesus. I'm writing in apology for the more fanatical "Fire and Brimstone" Christians who get worked up about things like the word "fuck". I hope that you don't believe all Christians to be hell-bent on revenge and devoid of a sense of humour...that stereotype is for the Muslims (joking, of course).
However, just because people get pissed off about trivial things, that doesn't give you the right to deliberatley (I can't spell) provoke them. Anyway, wish you the best of luck in life and I hope that your fanatical writings are just on behalf of some alter-ego of yours. If, however, your monthly "things" have any basis in your reality, then I hope you get well soon.
Good Night and God Bless you Crazy Motherfucka :)
(Editor's Note: I hate repeating myself, but once again, when something is legal that means I have the right to do it. You can debate whether or not I SHOULD do it, but based on the law of the land, I do have the right. So, yes, I do have the right to provoke people. Especially over trivial things. If these people aren't taken to task on their bullshit they'll go to the grave thinking it's something to hold dear.
It's our job, as people with common sense, to call fanatics on their shit. Whether they're eating a cracker and calling it Christ or they're dipping themselves in water to get rid of sin, it is our job to acknowledge it with the respect it deserves, which is none. How else are they going to learn?
You accidentally made my point in your e-mail, Jack. You ask us not to provoke your little group immediately after you made light of the Muslim faith. I'm not saying Islam is off limits, I'm just saying that either none of it is off limits or all of it is. There's no room for an in between. If you want to trivialize Muslims, you have to accept that Christianity is up for grabs too. Jews and Muslims hold their faith dear just like Christians do. Each of these groups thinks all the rest are ridiculous, but I've got news for you: you're all ridiculous. Praise Allah Christ: Superjew.)
From: cristian g.
Sent: Monday, June 19, 2006 12:43 PM
Subject: gon*** @ ***oo.com
Iam a big fan of the olsen twins and i dont like when people disrespects them. why do you sell rude shirts of them? whey did heather said that ashley olsen got fingered and marykate they tea bagged her?
(Editor's Note: I don't even know where the hell this is coming from, much less how to insult this person. Since the Olsen twins are such a dated reference, I can only assume this is one of those cases where a foreigner is just now discovering something that's been around for a decade. Like a person in India is just now buying their first Motley Crue CD or watching The Goonies for the first time.
To put it simply, I'm just responding to this to thank this person. Usually these e-mails are so mind-numbingly repetitive I just want to blow my brains out. It's nice when I read one that is just balls-out crazy. I don't know who Heather is and I can't recall when, if ever, someone wrote something about the Olsen twins getting fingered and/or tea bagged. So thank you, Cristian. I don't know how to get to the land of singing clouds and butterscotch squirrels, but I hope you invite me someday.)
This Newsletter is Over - You Don't Have to Go Home, But You Can't Stay in My Snatch
I regret that I have but one life to give for my country. I regret even more that I decided to give it to heroine instead.