I just wanted to clarify something. This is sent on Tuesday, but it continues to send until Friday. So, I didn't want our friends in England to think I was calling them pussies for being the victims of a terrorist attack, considering I wrote the last thing before the attack took place. And for the record, I had nothing to do with this one. I was simply calling the British pussies because they all seem kind of gay. Except for that Prince Charles: I think he's awesome. "Purple Rain" kicked ass.
[Buy Any New Shirt and Get Free Hatred, Derision]
We have 5 new shirts and they are all super awesome. If you masturbate as part of a balanced breakfast, we have one that I know you'll enjoy. Plus, we have the usual assortment for those of you who hate Hollywood, white people, and the high cost of gasoline. And by gasoline I mean fucking.
All of our new shirts are here:
If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.
[What if God Was One of Us? Like Topper Harley?]
You may have a hard time believing this, but I have an excellent relationship with God. I know you probably think I'm an atheist, but nothing could be further from the truth. I love God. If God was here right now I'd suck his big divine dick.(I'm a woman, so fuck you gay haters.)
See, the problem with most people is they have no idea how to have a relationship with God. That's because they're caught up in the infinite, the indefinable. Or worse, you've been listening to your minister, priest, rabbi, or mullah. These people are not experts on God. They may know about pedophilia, embezzlement, where to buy lean pastrami and/or bomb making supplies but they don't know shit about the Lord.
You need to think of God in human terms. Instead of worrying about your relationship with God, imagine you're trying to have a relationship with Charlie Sheen. Why Charlie Sheen? Because like God, most people wish they had a better relationship with Charlie Sheen. Like Jesus, Charlie Sheen hangs out with a lot of prostitutes and has great hair.
The first step in improving your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen is to stop asking him for stuff. Sure he's got tons of cool stuff, and probably wouldn't miss it. He's fucking Denise Richards in the ass and all you want is enough money to buy a new toaster. Well unfortunately, Charlie has that money earmarked for nipple waxing and crack so he's not going to just hand it over. Like God, Charlie gets requests from people he doesn't know all of the time. Even if he did know you, he can't just hand you everything you want. That would make God OJ Simpson and you would be Kato Kaelin. Do you want God to be OJ Simpson? I didn't think so. Are you starting to
understand how God works?
The second thing to do to improve your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen is to stop holding him responsible for things that you did, or didn't do. Nothing is more annoying to Him then you saying, "If I don't get that job, it was because Charlie Sheen didn't want me to get it." or "Charlie Sheen will get me out of this speeding ticket, even though I'm shit faced on Percocet, Crestor, and Peach Schnapps." I'm not saying Charlie will never help you, but you really need to take some personal responsibility. "Charlie Sheen wants me to beat up this prostitute. After all, did he not shoot Kelly Preston?" Believe me Charlie Sheen probably does want you to beat up that prostitute, but you're still the one holding the sock full of nickels.
The third thing to do to improve your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen is to stop talking shit about him. Don't be bragging about how well you know Him, and how everyone else should get to know Him. Your relationship with Him is not special. Plus, Charlie Sheen has more friends than he knows what to do with. If other people want a relationship with Charlie Sheen they only need to go to the nearest topless club.
The fourth thing to do to improve your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen is to stop going to his house. Would you want someone coming over your house every Sunday? Even though you're going there to praise Him, it's all a little much. Plus, look at the douchebags all around you. They're not really friends of Him. They all just want stuff, or want to blame Him for stuff. You don't need to be associated with these people.
Finally, stop questioning everything he does. He has done good things like "Wall Street" and "Hot Shots!" I and II. And yet, he has also done "Men at Work" and "Two and a Half Men"? He broke up with porn star Ginger Lynn.
Some things he does are beyond our human comprehension
Try being a good friend to Him for a change. That way when you die, you can go live with Him in Malibu. I hope you take comfort in that. Next time I'll explain why loving the Devil is like a giving Paula Abdul a Slippery Rocking Horse.
[It's Never Too Late to Share the Hate]
----- Original Message -----
From: "Edgar D" <edgela @ ***.com>
Sent: Wednesday, July 13, 2005 3:28 PM
Subject: run like a queer
While I respect freedom of speach, and free enterprise, I wanted to bring up an issue regarding one of your t-shirts: Nothing Runs Like A Queere
I am all for making fun of everyone. And I know that humor is subjective. However, I think there is a way that humor can be shared without compromising the safety of others.
My point is that the main graphic on the tshirt is funny, HOWEVER, the MOB to the right chasing him with clubs is disturbing. It is a depiction of violence and shares a message advocating gay bashing.
Quick and to the point, I doubt that a t-shirt design with a black person running from mob of hooded figures would be a design that you would seriously consider.
Thank you for listening.
(Editor's Note: Our Nothing Runs Like A Queere shirt does not advocate gay bashing. If anything, it advocates running away from people with clubs and you have to agree that is pretty sensible advice. Plus, I take umbrage at your narrow interpretation of the graphic. I like to think that the crowd is simply baseball players cheering on the guy in the logo who is their openly gay teammate Mike Piazza. Don't let your hatred for gays twist your perception you sick fuck. In spite of that, we will consider your other t-shirt suggestion. But in the future please submit your t-shirt ideas, which are worth $200, here: http://www.tshirthell.com/ideas.htm)
----- Original Message -----
From: Rosa P.
Sent: Thursday, July 07, 2005 11:38 AM
Subject: racist assholes
what the hell i look into your site to order some baby t-shirts then i look at the rest and i see the bullshit you have. here is a new t-shirt idea... "we that work for tshirt hell fuck our own mothers."
(Editor's Note: Rosa, this is a terrible idea for a t-shirt, and just like Edgar you submitted it in the wrong place. While it is true that the majority of T-Shirt Hell employees do fuck their own mothers, and in fact most of them also fuck my mother, we are not going to produce your t-shirt. Because the bottom line is that only T-shirt Hell employees would want this shirt, and T-Shirt Hell employees get our t-shirts for free you silly cunt! We need t-shirt ideas for t-shirts people will purchase. Like you might want a t-shirt that says, "I wrote an almost unintelligible, poorly thought out, uninformed email to T-Shirt Hell and all I got was this lousy t-shirt and Gonorrhea. Wait, I already had Gonorrhea because I'm a dirty dirty whore." Although, we may produce the original shirt you suggested for our annual Employee Picnic/Mother Fuckfest. Mom, you better start lubing up because those guys in shipping can be brutal!)
----- Original Message -----
From: Tony B.
Sent: Tuesday, July 05, 2005 9:48 PM
Subject: Future Order
I want to place an order that I meant to place last week. The only problem is that the particular shirt I was looking for is missing. I will reply and specify which shirt if need be. My only concern is that you are not going to manufacture this anymore.
Thank you in advance,
(Editor's Note: Tony, whatever you do don't tell us what shirt you are looking for. That is completely unnecessary. Our team of skilled psychics will pick that out of the ethers along with your address, and credit card information and we will send the appropriate shirt out to you immediately. So, if your nose starts bleeding today that's just our team doing a gentle initial probe. It should not cause any permanent damage, although some customers are left paralyzed, impotent, or completely hairless.)
----- Original Message -----
From: "rok ka" <rocky*** @ ***mail.com>
Sent: Sunday, July 17, 2005 6:35 PM
Subject: I wana buy this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes yes your humor is so lame insulting Jesus and all,realy first there is no humor at all in those T shirts and second all you guys do is insulting him and thinking abaut your stupid profit.Realy author of those shirts is a MEGA WEAK SISSY!!!!!! with eternal emptynes in his head.
(Editor's Note: All of our shirts about Jesus were approved by the Pope before he died. I think it was the Pope. He was really old and smelled like piss. I met him in the park where he was drinking malt liquor and setting pigeons on fire. I'll bet you're the mega weak sissy. I'll bet when you go to the beach they kick sand in your face. I hope you go to knife beach, so that they kick knives in your face. Then I hope they dip you in gasoline so that when you see the Pope he can set you on fire with one of his flaming pigeons.)
[Road Rage Cards For Kids!]
It's not a new set of Road Rage Cards, just a new idea on how to enjoy them. When you hold up your Road Rage Cards to a car full of children, they learn a valuable lesson about freedom of speech. Plus, it also gives them an opportunity to practice their reading skills. So buy your Road Rage Card today. If not for yourself, do it for the kids.
Until next time, keep reaching for the stars. That should keep you busy.