How about this heat? I hope you're remembering to stay hydrated and put your baby in a tub of ice when you leave it in the car. And above all else, be sure to use an SPF of at least 45 when masturbating to strangers in the park.
The big news this week is that minimum wage is being raised to $7.25 an hour on Friday. Which is great for me. Now I won't feel so guilty when I spit on McDonald's cashiers.
Confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor were held last week. Things were rough for Sotomayor at first, but when the senators recognized how adept she was at dodging questions, she was quickly confirmed. Now justice will remain mucho blindo. Is she even Hispanic? The joke doesn't really work if she isn't. It doesn't work anyway. Fuck it.
After several delays, NASA finally launched-- Bwaugh. I couldn't even get through the sentence. Good job shooting another billion dollar piece of metal filled with assholes into space. "I wanna be a waste of taxpayer money when I grow up."
In sports news, Brett Favre stated he would decide by July 30 whether or not he will play next season. Until then, you can prepare for his announcement by doing a lot of eye-roll and shoulder shrug exercises. But seriously, I hope he does play. I'd hate to think I spent $80 on my "Washed-up Embarrassment" jersey for nothing.
Harry Potter and the Part of the Title You Never Say When Asking for a Ticket came out last week. As I always do when a Harry Potter movie comes out, let me once again warn you about Potter-mania. It's a condition that manifests itself as millions of adults watching a movie based on a book for 11-year-olds. Symptoms include arrested development and relating to your children because you're no smarter than they are.
Ryan Seacrest recently signed a $45 million deal to continue hosting American Idol for the next three years. $45 million to be ambiguously gay and hold a microphone in front of the attention-starved and talentless? Fuck you, recession!
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Now that celebrity deaths have slowed to their regular rate, I thought I'd get you caught up on all the bucket-kickings you may have missed. The King of Pop and the Queen of Anal Cancer grabbed all the attention, but while our cameras were pointed at them (I guess in case they did a post-mortem trick) plenty of other notable figures bought the farm and started fertilizing it. Here are all the deaths that slipped through the cracks. And I swear I didn't make these up, you cynical bastards.
Abe Borcher: 1932 - 2009
Known as the "King of Polka," Abe began his career when he was only six years old. His father, Bert Borcher, formed a band composed of Abe and his brothers known as the Borcher 3. But the Borcher 3 was too stifling for a talent as big as Abe's and he soon went solo. His albums "Lousy" and "Humdinger" would each go on to sell an unprecedented 300 copies, the polka equivalent of 20x platinum. And although bizarre behavior and unsubstantiated claims of duck molestation would tarnish his image, his impact on our culture is undeniable.
The Broxton Babies: 2008 - 2009
Hand-picked by Disney CEO Robert Iger to be the next hot Disney property, the Broxton Babies were a set of quadruplets whose Disney Channel series, Babies on a Couch, was gaining quite a large following. They also released the album "[Squeal Coo, Squeal Coo], Girl," which was getting heavy rotation on Radio Disney. Sadly, they were found smothered to death. The only clues found at the scene were a plain silver ring and a couple of really long eyebrow hairs.
Jasper McCluskie: ???? - 2009
McCluskie's contribution to film cannot be overstated. As "Old Man #2" in Thomas Edison's "The Great Train Robbery," Jasper redefined what it meant to be a film actor. There had never been one before, but still. Sadly, film has never been kind to the elderly, and since his age was estimated to be between 90 and "No idea" at the time, it would be his final role. His cleaning lady found him last week with a belt around his neck and hot glue all over his cock. He will be missed.
Macki Smash: 1960 - 2009
Lead singer for the hair metal band Sally's Infection, Macki was known for drinking a mixture of bleach and heroin between songs on stage. Also enjoyed snorting coke out of a loaded shotgun while driving 100 m.p.h. Recently passed away after choking on a turnip.
Mitch Hewett: 1927 - 2009
After Mel McCoury left the sitcom "Uncle Morty's Residence" in the mid-80s due to the show being atrocious, character actor Mitch Hewett stepped in to provide the voice of the residence. His catchphrases include "Hey, wipe your feet before you walk on me!" and "Don't let the dog do that in me." Even though only half an episode of the show ever aired, critics and fans alike certainly like TV. Hewett died of a massive heart attack which was brought on by a shark eating his legs. He is survived by the skeletons of two children that were already in his condo when he moved in.
Ian Barclay: 1981 - 2009
Up-and-coming actor who first caught our attention in the gritty independent drama "Self-indulgent Brooding." He only recently achieved commercial success, with a brilliant turn as "Histrionic Maniac" in "Action Movie Without Action." Unfortunately, his life was cut all too short last week when he overdosed on rubbing alcohol and that blue stuff in those packs you put on sore joints.
Goldtoof: 1972 - 2009 / Voluntarily in Chainz: 1974 - 2009
We were reminded last week that violence in the rap world is still a problem. The multi-platinum stars Goldtoof and Voluntarily in Chainz were both gunned down in an incident that took place outside a dance club, and not a library, as was originally reported. Witnesses say it all began when the rappers got into an argument over who was more embarrassing to their race. Each man is survived by dozens and dozens of "shorties" who their respective labels pay off with record deals.
Richard Karn: 1956 - 2009
Best (only) known as Tim Allen's sidekick on Home Improvement. Karn passed away last week as a result of congestive heart failure. At least I think he did. I might be thinking of someone else. Eh, you can look it up if you give that much of a shit. You don't? Okay, let's just proceed based on the assumption that he is dead. Which should be easy, since the death of a famous person has no significant impact on our lives and their absence will not affect us in any way.
Whether it's the "greatest entertainer of all time" or the fucking dog who played Spuds McKenzie, none of it means anything in terms of how we live the rest of our lives. Anyone who cries over or attends the memorial service for a person they never met is nothing but an over-sentimental child and should do the rest of humanity the favor of joining their beloved celebrity in the ground. You're pathetic. You should-- I mean... We'll always love you, famous strangers!
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I recently became aware of a comic where someone has removed Garfield from the Garfield strips, thus improving its entertainment value drastically. As entertaining as this is, I thought I'd go them one better and remove not only the characters, but the imagery altogether from some popular comic strips in today's newspaper.
I thought I would do this now before a couple months slip by and you youngsters start asking "What is... noos-pay-pur?" So here, before they go the way of the pet rock or cages for retarded children, are the text only versions of some of your favorite comics.
Panel 1 - "Surprise surprise... Look who's sleeping again. This is why I'm fucking your boss."
Panel 2 - "I'm surprised sagging tits attached to a soulless cunt could get my boss hard."
Panel 3 - "Well that's- Hey, what are you grabbing?" [Click] [BANG!]
Panel 1 - "Office work sure is hard. Do you agree?"
Panel 2 - "Yes. Let's complain incessantly about getting a substantial paycheck and health coverage while doing about ten minutes of actual work every day."
Panel 3 - "I constantly criticize our boss behind his back, but I do any menial task he gives me and avoid confronting him like the spineless coward I am. Hey, a talking dog."
Panel 1 - "Hey Sarge, looks like Beetle's got the shakes again."
Panel 2 - "Damn PTSD. We sacrifice our limbs and minds, and for what? So a bunch of %&@*ing politicians can pat each other on the back and say 'Job well done.'? THIS IS ALL A LIE!"
Panel 3 - "Easy, Sarge. Take out that aggression on some 10-year-old Afghani vagina."
Panel 1 - "AAACK!!! I'm so flustered! I can't-"
Panel 2 - "Let me guess... Your date stood you up? Your diet isn't working? You wore the same outfit as a co-worker? Nobody gives a fuck, you whiny cow. Go eat another trough of ice cream and shove a vibrator up your musty snatch."
Panel 3 - "You're right. I'm nothing more than an anachronism who has no place in modern culture. I mean, does any woman still act like this? I'm gonna go hang myself. AAACK!"
Hagar the Horrible
Panel 1 - "Hey Helga, I just burned down a village. Then I raped this woman right in front of her 6-year-old daughter and killed them both."
Panel 2 - "WHAT?!"
Panel 3 - "Don't even pretend you don't know what I do. I'm a fucking Viking! You were plenty happy taking those jewels I got for you without asking any questions. Well it's time you knew what I did. Look at the blood on my hands, Helga. LOOK AT IT!"
Panel 1 - "I can't believe we now know the origin of all existence. Do you think tens of thousands of years from now people will manufacture a bunch of phony gods or concoct ridiculous scientific theories in an attempt to explain all of this?"
Panel 2 - "I doubt the aliens who just injected our brains with a serum containing all the knowledge in the universe would do so simply to watch us devolve into a bunch of mindless reactionaries who do nothing but squabble and judge each other over every detail of our existence. In fact, I'd say in a couple millennia we will have shed these ridiculous piles of matter we call 'bodies' and the essence we once naively referred to as 'souls' will float freely about this planet never to be disturbed."
Panel 3 - "You're right. Hey, look... Wiley's Dictionary defines 'innuendo' as 'where you place a pie to cool.' I think I'm dumb again."
Dennis the Menace
"Gee Mr. Wilson... You say that happened in Nam? No wonder you don't have any kids."
"I don't care what you think, honey; Marmaduke is getting fixed. You're not the one who has to deal with the lawsuit every time he sodomizes a power-walker."
"Kids... Who tied daddy to the couch with barbed wire, decapitated the mailman and then used a staple gun to staple the mailman's genitals to daddy's forehead?" "NOT ME!"
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Don't cry over spilled milk. I wish my starving baby could understand that.