I'M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT
I HOPE I DON'T BLACK OUT, BECAUSE THIS IS AWESOME
IF I WERE A DIRTY SKANK I WOULD HAVE A TATTOO JUST LIKE THIS ONE (TRAMP STAMP)
ORIGASM
YOU COULD SINGLE-HANDEDLY MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE - OR YOU COULD USE TWO HANDS
I EAT MORE PUSSY THAN ALF
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU: HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, CITRIC ACID... MAKE LEMONADE
POP A SMURF
STRAIGHT
DON'T BOTHER ME - I'M WASTING POTENTIAL
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
I FUCKING LOVE TO CUDDLE
BLING-BLING
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO IMPRESS NONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS
 HOPELESS ROMANTIC SEEKS FILTHY WHORE

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

How about this heat? I hope you're remembering to stay hydrated and put your baby in a tub of ice when you leave it in the car. And above all else, be sure to use an SPF of at least 45 when masturbating to strangers in the park.

The big news this week is that minimum wage is being raised to $7.25 an hour on Friday. Which is great for me. Now I won't feel so guilty when I spit on McDonald's cashiers.

Confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor were held last week. Things were rough for Sotomayor at first, but when the senators recognized how adept she was at dodging questions, she was quickly confirmed. Now justice will remain mucho blindo. Is she even Hispanic? The joke doesn't really work if she isn't. It doesn't work anyway. Fuck it.

After several delays, NASA finally launched-- Bwaugh. I couldn't even get through the sentence. Good job shooting another billion dollar piece of metal filled with assholes into space. "I wanna be a waste of taxpayer money when I grow up."

In sports news, Brett Favre stated he would decide by July 30 whether or not he will play next season. Until then, you can prepare for his announcement by doing a lot of eye-roll and shoulder shrug exercises. But seriously, I hope he does play. I'd hate to think I spent $80 on my "Washed-up Embarrassment" jersey for nothing.

Harry Potter and the Part of the Title You Never Say When Asking for a Ticket came out last week. As I always do when a Harry Potter movie comes out, let me once again warn you about Potter-mania. It's a condition that manifests itself as millions of adults watching a movie based on a book for 11-year-olds. Symptoms include arrested development and relating to your children because you're no smarter than they are.

Ryan Seacrest recently signed a $45 million deal to continue hosting American Idol for the next three years. $45 million to be ambiguously gay and hold a microphone in front of the attention-starved and talentless? Fuck you, recession!


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