In 3...2...1...Lindsay Lohan has just been arrested for DUI. DUI stands for driving under the influence, but that can mean the influence of so many things. In this case it was alcohol, cocaine, bad parenting and the psychotic fairies that live in her brain. Fortunately, her identical twin from Parent Trap is still doing fine.
In news just as sad and funny as that, Tammy Faye Messner recently died after she didn't put up a fight against cancer. So we won't be able to test makeup on her anymore, but her death did prove something. Prayer didn't work for her, but it works great for me. Truthfully, it wasn't cancer that ultimately did her in. Apparently Harry Potter mistook her for Voldemort. Which is an honest mistake.
In political news, the US Senate recently voted down a bill that proposed a troop withdrawal from Iraq. Good thing, too. We can't leave until we've killed every single Nazi over there. Wait...I was thinking of that war that had a point. Not that this war doesn't have a point. I mean, what's more important than giving politicians something to feign interest in?
In sports news, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted for sponsoring dogfights that left many dogs injured or dead. Killing dogs is bad (albeit hilarious), but considering what some other NFL players have done in the past, they may as well have charged Vick with using the wrong fork at dinner or misspelling butterscotch.
Finally, the last installment in the Harry Potter book series went on sale a few days ago and was an instant success, selling nearly 100 copies in its first day of release. Some thought that copies of the book that were leaked onto the internet would hurt sales, but that wasn't the case. Probably because only nerds use the internet, and nerds don't read Harry Potter.
It is once again time for new shirts. In case you're wondering how awesome these new shirts are, let me share with you what the Pope had to say about them. "These shirts kick more ass than a ninja with 20 legs fighting a guy with 10 asses." The Pope actually said that. True story.
Anyway, our new batch includes a couple of strong political statements. Actually, they don't make political statements so much as they ridicule fuckbags. The fact that those fuckbags are politicians is a coincidence. We've also added a shirt that asks women to accept what God gave them. Unless God gave you penis-boobs. If that's the case, by all means get the surgery. If you don't like any of those shirts, we've got plenty of others you can not like too. Check 'em out, opposite-of-winner.
All of our new shirts are here:
Enough fucking around. America is broken and I'm here to fix it. I've sat idly by and listened to dumbfucks argue with dumbasses for long enough. Turn on any TV or open any newspaper and you'll see another bloated ego talk about what's ailing us. (Unless someone got footage of Lindsay Lohan eating a Pop-Tart that day.) But where they talk about problems, I will offer solutions.
Don't misunderstand. I don't care about any of these matters in and of themselves. I just want the bitching to stop. And I figure it'll be easier to solve all of our nation's biggest problems than it will be to kill every single moron inhabiting it. Jesus Christ, I'm not gonna live to be a gillion.
Here is my FOUR POINT PLAN to Save America:
#1 - The War in Iraq - Clearly we are winning the war in Iraq. It won't be long until we...do whatever the fuck the goal was. So we're winning, I'm not here to argue that. But there's only so much winning we can do before every soldier and postal worker at our disposal is dead. My solution is to reanimate Saddam Hussein and rekill him. I really think it'll work this time.
#2 - Immigration - I don't see the problem here. Illegal immigrants get what they want. Employers get an excellent source of cheap labor. And I have a virtually limitless supply of "people" that I get to douse with gasoline and set ablaze because it's so easy to get away with murdering someone who has no US history or documentation.
Having said that, this crisis can be easily solved. All we have to do is turn America into the shit-hole that Mexico is. Then they wouldn't even bother making the trip. Or we could just make it illegal to put your last name on your truck in Old English lettering. (Tapping my head with my finger to show you I'm using my noodle.)
#3 - Health Care - Just let poor people die.
#4 - The Environment - The environmental crisis has the simplest solution of all. You simply don't believe in it. This philosophy has worked for my family going back several generations. For example, while Harriet Tubman and the rest of those losers were busy escaping to freedom, my ancestors refused to accept that slavery existed. And they lived their lives in perfect contentment while being whipped in the fields and sleeping on the floor of a dirty shed. Similarly, I stopped believing in Gary Busey five years ago, and he hasn't raped me ever since.
So the next time these so-called "scientists" recite their irrefutable facts and figures, just put your fingers in your ears and go "La la la..." until they go away. I feel colder already. Brrrr!
There you have it. America is fixed. All you conservative assholes and liberal douchebags can shut the fuck up now. I'm sure you'll find something new to whine about, and when you do, just remember one thing: You won't change that either.
Comments (24) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Jeffrey B.
Sent: Friday, July 13, 2007
Subject: Stop bothering me
Some time ago, I submitted an idea I had for a t shirt with absolutely no response from you. Judging by what your disclaimer states, I assume you have already used the idea and are prepared to defend yourself by stating that this particular idea has already been submitted, BULLSHIT!!
Bottom line? Leave me the fuck alone! I will ask you one more time to not send me anymore of your bullshit advertisements about your bullshit end of month-things. Stop sending me any emails at all, and we will be best of friends. Go Fuck yourself!!!
Editor's Note: You totally busted us. This whole thing is a scam. Don't listen to any of the hundreds of people who have won this contest that will try to tell you different. They're just the exception that proves the rule. You know, the rule that says you're a fucking idiot.
To Jeff and anyone else who submits a shitty idea that they stole from someone else, here's the response you so desperately crave: Your idea fucking sucks. That joke wasn't funny when your racist grandfather first heard it in 1947. Well, it might've been funny then because they were probably lynching someone at the time, but now it's just played-out and sad.
And despite what this used tampon that someone mistook for a baby might lead you to believe, we don't harass people with a barrage of unwanted email when they submit ideas. We send out our newsletters and that's it. And even those can be easily stopped if you have more than two functioning brain cells in that mass of raccoon sperm you call a brain.
Later, Jeff. Allow me to save you the trouble of submitting the next "original" idea you have. We've all heard "It's not rape, it's surprise sex!" Now stop punching your computer monitor. You can't hurt me like that.
Comments (17) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Mike F.
Sent: Sunday, July 15, 2007
I was at a parade on Memorial Day weekend and some white trash hillbilly was wearing a shirt that featured the middle finger. Thats it, just the middle finger. He was with his children. What a great piece of work he was. A 30 something man, wearing such an immature shirt.
Honestly, your shirts make America look even dumber than it already is. Keep up the great work. Your outfitting trailer parks throughout Kentucky. To bad the attempt on Aaron wasnt good enough. :( makes me sad.
Editor's Note: Okay, so there's a lot for me to respond to here, but I would like to talk about something that you're probably not aware of unless you read this newsletter on a regular basis. We posted an email from our good buddy Mike here a couple of newsletters ago. I responded in my typical hilarious fashion, but I shortened his email to spare you all from death by an overdose of dumb.
Then came the onslaught of stupidity. Not only did he send this followup email, he also left several comments in the aforementioned newsletter, including an unabridged version of his initial email. Apparently he wanted you all to see that he was retarded for four paragraphs instead of only two.
The reason I bring this up is to point out how utterly pathetic some people are. The same douche that condemns us and claims we're ruining America is not only repeatedly checking out the site, but also reading our newsletters in their entirety. Why? Because some twats just like to share their bullshit with the world, no matter how ignorant it is.
It may seem like I'm obliging him, but I really just wanted to use him as an example for an entire generation of assholes who feel like it's an accomplishment just to have a sentence on the internet. Rest assured, I won't respond to any more emails from Captain Dickface. Now get to commenting, Mike. I know you're reading this. I know you hate us, but you hate keeping your faulty chromosomes to yourself even more.
Comments (48) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Fritz N.
Sent: Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Subject: tee shirts
Your site is for racist, ignorant bigots. I would never send you a penny. Maybe you should go to Iraq and spend some time with the families of the over 1,000,000 innocent Iraqis who have been killed by the U.S. in this completely unjustified and illegal war.
I am a strong believer in First Amendment rights, but if there were ever an exception made, it would be for your evil, thoroughly unintelligent pablum. The idea that you make money off of this crap makes me sick.
Editor's Note: I often respond to hate mail by pointing out how stupid these people are, but clearly this guy is a genius. I mean, he used the word pablum. PABLUM, for Chrissakes! He must be a genius, because there's no way he's an insecure cunt who consults his thesaurus just so people don't notice that he's repeating a bunch of talking points that he heard on MSNBC.
Anyway, you couldn't be more wrong. Our site is not for racist, ignorant bigots. It is for racist, well-informed bigots. And you needn't worry about never sending us a penny. You've sent us something so much more valuable than money. You've sent us proof that a goat CAN make a baby with a pile of its own shit. That baby being you, in case you didn't catch that.
And just so you know, I have spent time with the families of innocent Iraqis who have been killed in this war. And they were delicious. As for the war being unjustified and illegal, all I have to say to that is...uh...PABLUM!
Comments (49) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Sandra P.
Sent: Thursday, July 19, 2007
i see you've added another shirt that makes fun of little people. (assholes like you call them midgets) why is it if somebody makes a racial or religous joke theres always an uproar...but midget jokes are made left and right and nobody ever says anything. its sad that an entire group of people are picked on and its just excepted. and jerks like you aren't helping. grow up and go screw yourself
Editor's Note: I'm really having trouble responding to this. I want to write something really angry and hateful, but every time I'm all set to get my blood boiling I just picture this adorable, stubby-fingered creature sitting on a couple of phonebooks angrily typing away on a keyboard the size of a wallet. Ah, it just makes my heart melt.
For future reference, just because you're tiny doesn't mean all of your letters have to be. We have capitalization for a reason. And the reason that no one hears the outcry over midget insensitivity is that we can't hear you from way down there. And if you ever decide to have a midget rights parade, we'll just pelt you with tomatoes. But not regular tomatoes, those little cherry tomatoes.
Anyway, I'll stop using the term 'midget'. Just tell me which of the following three choices is most suitable: 'Dirty freaks', 'God's sick joke', or 'Those things I shit on'.
Comments (76) - View Comments - Add A Comment
The End - Stay Tuned For Nothing
God helps those who help themselves. In other words, you get help after you don't need it anymore.