It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing
Accio...Mangled Pit Bull!

In 3...2...1...Lindsay Lohan has just been arrested for DUI. DUI stands for driving under the influence, but that can mean the influence of so many things. In this case it was alcohol, cocaine, bad parenting and the psychotic fairies that live in her brain. Fortunately, her identical twin from Parent Trap is still doing fine.

In news just as sad and funny as that, Tammy Faye Messner recently died after she didn't put up a fight against cancer. So we won't be able to test makeup on her anymore, but her death did prove something. Prayer didn't work for her, but it works great for me. Truthfully, it wasn't cancer that ultimately did her in. Apparently Harry Potter mistook her for Voldemort. Which is an honest mistake.

In political news, the US Senate recently voted down a bill that proposed a troop withdrawal from Iraq. Good thing, too. We can't leave until we've killed every single Nazi over there. Wait...I was thinking of that war that had a point. Not that this war doesn't have a point. I mean, what's more important than giving politicians something to feign interest in?

In sports news, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted for sponsoring dogfights that left many dogs injured or dead. Killing dogs is bad (albeit hilarious), but considering what some other NFL players have done in the past, they may as well have charged Vick with using the wrong fork at dinner or misspelling butterscotch.

Finally, the last installment in the Harry Potter book series went on sale a few days ago and was an instant success, selling nearly 100 copies in its first day of release. Some thought that copies of the book that were leaked onto the internet would hurt sales, but that wasn't the case. Probably because only nerds use the internet, and nerds don't read Harry Potter.


New Shirts
New Shirts

It is once again time for new shirts. In case you're wondering how awesome these new shirts are, let me share with you what the Pope had to say about them. "These shirts kick more ass than a ninja with 20 legs fighting a guy with 10 asses." The Pope actually said that. True story.

Anyway, our new batch includes a couple of strong political statements. Actually, they don't make political statements so much as they ridicule fuckbags. The fact that those fuckbags are politicians is a coincidence. We've also added a shirt that asks women to accept what God gave them. Unless God gave you penis-boobs. If that's the case, by all means get the surgery. If you don't like any of those shirts, we've got plenty of others you can not like too. Check 'em out, opposite-of-winner.

All of our new shirts are here:

long division

God damn, what a sexy man.Enough fucking around. America is broken and I'm here to fix it. I've sat idly by and listened to dumbfucks argue with dumbasses for long enough. Turn on any TV or open any newspaper and you'll see another bloated ego talk about what's ailing us. (Unless someone got footage of Lindsay Lohan eating a Pop-Tart that day.) But where they talk about problems, I will offer solutions.

Don't misunderstand. I don't care about any of these matters in and of themselves. I just want the bitching to stop. And I figure it'll be easier to solve all of our nation's biggest problems than it will be to kill every single moron inhabiting it. Jesus Christ, I'm not gonna live to be a gillion.

Here is my FOUR POINT PLAN to Save America:

#1 - The War in Iraq - Clearly we are winning the war in Iraq. It won't be long until whatever the fuck the goal was. So we're winning, I'm not here to argue that. But there's only so much winning we can do before every soldier and postal worker at our disposal is dead. My solution is to reanimate Saddam Hussein and rekill him. I really think it'll work this time.

Olympic Silver Medal in Pointy Hurdles#2 - Immigration - I don't see the problem here. Illegal immigrants get what they want. Employers get an excellent source of cheap labor. And I have a virtually limitless supply of "people" that I get to douse with gasoline and set ablaze because it's so easy to get away with murdering someone who has no US history or documentation.

Having said that, this crisis can be easily solved. All we have to do is turn America into the shit-hole that Mexico is. Then they wouldn't even bother making the trip. Or we could just make it illegal to put your last name on your truck in Old English lettering. (Tapping my head with my finger to show you I'm using my noodle.)

He raped me with just his giant teeth.#3 - Health Care - Just let poor people die.

#4 - The Environment - The environmental crisis has the simplest solution of all. You simply don't believe in it. This philosophy has worked for my family going back several generations. For example, while Harriet Tubman and the rest of those losers were busy escaping to freedom, my ancestors refused to accept that slavery existed. And they lived their lives in perfect contentment while being whipped in the fields and sleeping on the floor of a dirty shed. Similarly, I stopped believing in Gary Busey five years ago, and he hasn't raped me ever since.

So the next time these so-called "scientists" recite their irrefutable facts and figures, just put your fingers in your ears and go "La la la..." until they go away. I feel colder already. Brrrr!

There you have it. America is fixed. All you conservative assholes and liberal douchebags can shut the fuck up now. I'm sure you'll find something new to whine about, and when you do, just remember one thing: You won't change that either.

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