ELECTION 08 - MAGIC vs. BIRD (Barack Obama John McCain)
I DIDNT COME HERE TO IMPRESS NONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS
STILL ONLY 1.29 PER GALLON
WATCH YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE THERE'S A GODDAMN BABY IN THE ROOM
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
FUCKING CLASSY
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
WHO NEEDS BIG TITS? WHEN YOU HAVE AN ASS LIKE THIS
WHITE FLOUR!
MY LIFE IS A VERY COMPLICATED DRINKING GAME
STRAIGHT
ID RATHER BE SNORTING COCAIN OFF A HOOKERS ASS
Torsopants

space
newsfromhell

 
head


WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

After posting record-breaking numbers last weekend, the Dark Knight continues to dominate the box office. Enjoy it while you can, Caped Crusader. You won't look so comfortable when Kevin Costner's Swing Vote totally owns your ass. And, of course, I can't mention the Dark Knight without mentioning the tragedy that is Maggie Gyllenhaal's droopy eyes and snout-like nose. Jesus Christ...compared to that, Heath Ledger's death seems downright pleasant.

Speaking of the Dark Knight, Batman himself - Christian Bale - was recently charged with assaulting his mother and sister. In his defense, Bale is a method actor and he's preparing for a role in which he beats the shit out of Christian Bale's mother and sister.

The Iraqi government recently agreed with presidential hopeful Barack Obama's troop withdrawal plan for the region. They also agree with whoever decides to send troops back in 2016. Whatever it takes to keep this little dance going.

In NFL news, a bunch of gay shit happened concerning Brett Favre. I think this whole issue could be resolved quickly enough if someone would just tell Brett Favre and the Packer organization that football is a fucking GAME. Goddamn it...just toss your little ball around so I can get drunk and shout curse words and racial slurs at my TV.

And lest you forget, the Olympics are almost here. Now more than ever it is important to remember the slogan for this year's Olympics: "One world, not paying attention." But seriously, I love the Olympics. What else combines the pointlessness of sports with the sheer stupidity of patriotism? Go [your country here]!


long division

head

Apple recently released the new iPhone - the iPhone 3G. With better web access and faster download speeds, you can handle all your daily tasks quicker and get right back to your life. Of course, there's no "life" left for us to get back to anymore. Life these days just consists of shit we do in between texts and watching fat kids embarrass themselves on YouTube.

And it is apparent that even these brief spurts of life take a backseat to technology when you see some asshole chatting and taking pics with his cell phone at the fucking World Series. Or when you read a goddamn blog about the beauty and simplicity of hiking in the mountains. Apparently it's not so great that you'd sacrifice a couple hours of blogging to hike a while longer.

What I'm saying is simultaneously my point and also the counterargument to my point. "Of course technology has given us more free time. That's the whole point. We now have time to enjoy life the way our forefathers never could." The problem is that we need something to ACCOMPLISH, not just something to DO. And that is precisely what we don't have anymore.

There's no shortage of crap to DO, but we have no goal, no mission, nothing to WORK toward. As much as we'd rather not do it, we do NEED work. It's the old argument that you can't have pleasure without pain. We don't even have the opportunity to feel discomfort at our so-called jobs, because we have our iPods and hilarious email forwards to distract us. "Oh you crazy LOLcats!"

We need a break from all this enjoyment, if only so we can actually enjoy it every once in a while. (Which is why this article isn't funny at all. You're welcome.) You know why orgasms are so great (other than the fact that you're freaking out everyone in Lane Bryant)? It's because, even if you fuck (or masturbate) a lot, it's only a few seconds out of your day. If cumming was a five hour process you'd get sick of that shit real fast.

That's what's happening with all our little whiz-bang shit that happens on every size screen imaginable these days. We are so constantly confronted with this barrage of "entertainment" that after a while you become numb to it and it becomes this thing you're just staring at. Before you know it you've dedicated 16 hours of life to multiple viewings of Darth Vader and Obi Wan doing the Macarena and making sure all your friends have done the same.

And just like every other member of my generation, I don't blame us. I blame the generations that came before us. They've left us with nothing to do. All lands have been discovered, all inventions invented, all philosophies philosophized. We've progressed ourselves right into obsolescence. And I use the term "progressed" loosely. Anyone who can look around and, with a straight face, call this progress needs to look up the definition of the word.

I say it's time for a little REgression. Our forefathers had a job to do and they did it. Well, now we have a job to do, and that is to get us back to square one. All this extra time technology has afforded us has only given us the chance to realize how pointless we are. Of course, we've always been pointless, but back in the day we had hours and hours of backbreaking labor to keep our minds off our irrelevance.

But now that all lands have been conquered and we have machines to do everything but blink our eyes for us, we've got plenty of extra time to come to grips with how little we mean. That's why we need to start fresh, to make us feel important again. It's too late for anyone over the age of ten, but maybe for the sake of the next generation we can return to the Middle Ages and give them something to accomplish.

I'm not just talking about doing away with our phones, computers, flat-screen TVs and the rest of our shiny toys. I'm talking about a complete reset of the human race. No transportation, no sewage systems, no food storage, no nothing. We have to tear down everything we've built up over the past couple millennia. Undoubtedly, our population will take a huge hit, but that's all to the good anyway. We need to give our kids and grandkids a mission, not just an existence.

Of course, I realize that's not going to happen because we're a complacent species and we have to keep advancing. And by advancing I mean making new crap, not actually improving things. So...fuck it. Let's just give Apple the ball and let them run with it. Go ahead and create the iMe - the multimedia device designed to do all my existing for me. When you get that done I can go ahead and shoot myself with my iShotgun. Until then, I'll be busy drinking iWhiskey and snorting iCoke off of an iStripper's iTits. iSee iYou iLater.


Warning: mysql_connect(): php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/tshirthell/public_html/miscpages/newsletter/dev/appendComments.php on line 4

Warning: mysql_connect(): php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/tshirthell/public_html/miscpages/newsletter/dev/appendComments.php on line 4
Failed to connect to the database. Please try again.