ELECTION 08 - MAGIC vs. BIRD (Barack Obama John McCain)




After posting record-breaking numbers last weekend, the Dark Knight continues to dominate the box office. Enjoy it while you can, Caped Crusader. You won't look so comfortable when Kevin Costner's Swing Vote totally owns your ass. And, of course, I can't mention the Dark Knight without mentioning the tragedy that is Maggie Gyllenhaal's droopy eyes and snout-like nose. Jesus Christ...compared to that, Heath Ledger's death seems downright pleasant.

Speaking of the Dark Knight, Batman himself - Christian Bale - was recently charged with assaulting his mother and sister. In his defense, Bale is a method actor and he's preparing for a role in which he beats the shit out of Christian Bale's mother and sister.

The Iraqi government recently agreed with presidential hopeful Barack Obama's troop withdrawal plan for the region. They also agree with whoever decides to send troops back in 2016. Whatever it takes to keep this little dance going.

In NFL news, a bunch of gay shit happened concerning Brett Favre. I think this whole issue could be resolved quickly enough if someone would just tell Brett Favre and the Packer organization that football is a fucking GAME. Goddamn it...just toss your little ball around so I can get drunk and shout curse words and racial slurs at my TV.

And lest you forget, the Olympics are almost here. Now more than ever it is important to remember the slogan for this year's Olympics: "One world, not paying attention." But seriously, I love the Olympics. What else combines the pointlessness of sports with the sheer stupidity of patriotism? Go [your country here]!

long division


Apple recently released the new iPhone - the iPhone 3G. With better web access and faster download speeds, you can handle all your daily tasks quicker and get right back to your life. Of course, there's no "life" left for us to get back to anymore. Life these days just consists of shit we do in between texts and watching fat kids embarrass themselves on YouTube.

And it is apparent that even these brief spurts of life take a backseat to technology when you see some asshole chatting and taking pics with his cell phone at the fucking World Series. Or when you read a goddamn blog about the beauty and simplicity of hiking in the mountains. Apparently it's not so great that you'd sacrifice a couple hours of blogging to hike a while longer.

What I'm saying is simultaneously my point and also the counterargument to my point. "Of course technology has given us more free time. That's the whole point. We now have time to enjoy life the way our forefathers never could." The problem is that we need something to ACCOMPLISH, not just something to DO. And that is precisely what we don't have anymore.

There's no shortage of crap to DO, but we have no goal, no mission, nothing to WORK toward. As much as we'd rather not do it, we do NEED work. It's the old argument that you can't have pleasure without pain. We don't even have the opportunity to feel discomfort at our so-called jobs, because we have our iPods and hilarious email forwards to distract us. "Oh you crazy LOLcats!"

We need a break from all this enjoyment, if only so we can actually enjoy it every once in a while. (Which is why this article isn't funny at all. You're welcome.) You know why orgasms are so great (other than the fact that you're freaking out everyone in Lane Bryant)? It's because, even if you fuck (or masturbate) a lot, it's only a few seconds out of your day. If cumming was a five hour process you'd get sick of that shit real fast.

That's what's happening with all our little whiz-bang shit that happens on every size screen imaginable these days. We are so constantly confronted with this barrage of "entertainment" that after a while you become numb to it and it becomes this thing you're just staring at. Before you know it you've dedicated 16 hours of life to multiple viewings of Darth Vader and Obi Wan doing the Macarena and making sure all your friends have done the same.

And just like every other member of my generation, I don't blame us. I blame the generations that came before us. They've left us with nothing to do. All lands have been discovered, all inventions invented, all philosophies philosophized. We've progressed ourselves right into obsolescence. And I use the term "progressed" loosely. Anyone who can look around and, with a straight face, call this progress needs to look up the definition of the word.

I say it's time for a little REgression. Our forefathers had a job to do and they did it. Well, now we have a job to do, and that is to get us back to square one. All this extra time technology has afforded us has only given us the chance to realize how pointless we are. Of course, we've always been pointless, but back in the day we had hours and hours of backbreaking labor to keep our minds off our irrelevance.

But now that all lands have been conquered and we have machines to do everything but blink our eyes for us, we've got plenty of extra time to come to grips with how little we mean. That's why we need to start fresh, to make us feel important again. It's too late for anyone over the age of ten, but maybe for the sake of the next generation we can return to the Middle Ages and give them something to accomplish.

I'm not just talking about doing away with our phones, computers, flat-screen TVs and the rest of our shiny toys. I'm talking about a complete reset of the human race. No transportation, no sewage systems, no food storage, no nothing. We have to tear down everything we've built up over the past couple millennia. Undoubtedly, our population will take a huge hit, but that's all to the good anyway. We need to give our kids and grandkids a mission, not just an existence.

Of course, I realize that's not going to happen because we're a complacent species and we have to keep advancing. And by advancing I mean making new crap, not actually improving things. So...fuck it. Let's just give Apple the ball and let them run with it. Go ahead and create the iMe - the multimedia device designed to do all my existing for me. When you get that done I can go ahead and shoot myself with my iShotgun. Until then, I'll be busy drinking iWhiskey and snorting iCoke off of an iStripper's iTits. iSee iYou iLater.

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-----Original Message-----

From: James W.

i have been a memeber a long time and even bought some of your crap and i have NEVER won any of your shitty contest shirts ... i think its all a scam designed to sell our email addresses to terrorist. screw you and your retarded 'contest' .... love and hugs, you dirtbags

the sandman

Editor's Note: Why the hell would a terrorist organization want to buy a bunch of email addresses? For one thing, I'm sure there are less complicated and subtler ways to procure email addresses than to establish some kind of co-op with an online T-shirt business. For another thing...everything else that's retarded about what you just said.

There seems to be a large group of people who don't understand what "contest" means. Some people win, a lot of people don't. Them's the breaks, fag. Do you buy lottery tickets week after week and come to the conclusion that the fix is in?

"Dear lottery,

I have bought 10 of your tickets and I'm still not a millionaire. I don't know what kind of scam you're running, but I'm going to report you to the President of the Lottery.


Huge Fucking Idiot"

Listen, if you seriously don't believe people win our contests, I can put you in contact with a few hundred people who can attest to the contrary. Or you can just take my word for it, then go fuck yourself.

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joy division

-----Original Message-----

From: Brandom M.

if i find out by looking at your site that you took one of my ideas and i didnt get rewarded i will sue just to warn you

Editor's Note: Thanks for the warning. We will make sure and reward you if we like any of your submissions. Just give me a moment to check our database for your ideas...

Okay, I think we're in the clear. The general public doesn't have the affinity for sperm-chugging you seem to have. That's what you submitters need to keep in mind. You may want to walk around advertising "I gobble more man-seed than prostitutes in the pre-AIDS era," but would the average Joe Six-Pack want to wear that?

But seriously, you're a dick. I've been through all this before. I'm lucky if one of two hundred submissions isn't a ripoff or utterly lame, but every single submitter thinks "This is so great it HAS to win." The difference between them and you is, when we don't contact them after a couple weeks, they accept that their idea sucked and move on.

You, on the other hand, convince yourself your idea is so great we're holding onto it and we're going to sneak your gem in there when you're not looking in an attempt to rip you off. Well guess what - Your ideas suck and so do you. But if you still want to sue someone I have a suggestion. Sue your mom for drinking hobo diarrhea and drain cleaner when she was pregnant.

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division of labor

-----Original Message-----

From: Steve

Wow, I really just have to say Wow. I've always enjoyed your shirts and am the proud owner of a few myself. However, even though I have not made up my mind for the November elections I have to say your new "Anti-Christ '08" shirt is wayyy the fuck over the line.

Consider me no longer a customer nor a mailing list subscriber unless that one is pulled. I will pass the word along to my friends as well, as I do not subscribe to anyone, no matter how 'edgy' or 'hip', who goes that low in disrespect of a candidate for the leader of our great nation. (Bush aside of course, he is in fact both evil incarnate and borderline retarded).

Respectfully, go fuck yourselves. God Bless America, and Fuck T-Shirt Hell straight up your collective, bloody, cum filled tailpipes. You really, really suck. Thank you for your time.

Editor's Note: Where is this proverbial "line" all you taints keep talking about? You know, in the 1950's the FCC probably murdered someone if they said "hindquarters" on TV. Now we can say ass, damn, and a thousand other things that were once deemed "over the line," and here's humanity, still chugging along.

If you have some self-imposed line you'd rather not cross, good for you. You have that right. But the fact that you wrote and sent this email suggests to me your "line" is incidental when compared with the opportunity to feel superior to others. You could simply choose to stop buying our crap and stop visiting our website, but you have to step up on the 21st century version of the soapbox and send us a pissy email.

I have no problem with people being offended by our site. I may think them prudish, but I don't think them douchebags. It's only people like you, who have to advertise their morality to the world, who qualify for that title. This supposed "line" only appears when you want it to. Fuck you, fuck Obama, and fuck McCain. But not Bush, that guy's the best.

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does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Submission-----

From: Corbin

Hi guys,

We love your newsletter. I think I've been reading it for about 5 years now, but hell, I can't even remember what I ate for dinner last night so ....

Anyhow, I love to print the newsletter and leave it behind in our busy business buildings latrine for other people making a bowel movement to enjoy. Could you guys add a "print friendly" link on your newsletter page which neatly aligns the tables so we can print it out and have it be legible? That, would rock.

Thanks! Corbin

Editor's Note: To whoever works with Corbin and is currently reading this in the shitter: Wipe your ass with this and shove it down his throat. And remember to shout "How does T-Shirt Hell taste, bitch!"

Thanks for reading, Corbin!

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division of labor

[The Jello is Jigglin']

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man dies but once. And he usually dies much younger than the coward, because his dumb ass didn't avoid things he should have been afraid of.