The End of July Thing
Welcome to the latest T-Shirt Hell newsletter, don't forget to wipe your soul on the mat before entering. Let's get straight to the news. Violence rages on in the Middle East as Hezbollah and Israel continue to battle over...I don't know. I think it's about a parking space or something. But whatever the cause of the fighting is, I'm rooting for Hezbollah, because I've got five grand riding on them. Oh, and I don't like Jews.
And in other news, Lance Bass just announced that he's gay. On a related note, water is wet, sugar is sweet and I'm an arsonist. By the time you read this I'm sure you will have heard a thousand Lance Bass jokes, so I'm not going to tread such familiar territory. The internet spreads jokes so quickly that a Lance Bass joke would be about as fresh as a Monica Lewinsky joke. Now, if I showed you my pictures of Lance Bass blowing President Bush, then I'd have something.
Lastly, Andrea Yates was recently found not guilty by reason of insanity after she drowned her five children roughly five years ago. I wish I'd thought of an insanity plea. I don't even want to think about how much money I've wasted on bribes.
Weeping Orphans + Dead Clowns - Hope = New Shirts!
You've been praying for them, and here they are. No, I'm talking about midgets that shoot lasers out of their tails. I'm talking about our latest batch of new shirts. Included in this latest group is a shirt that represents the science behind pornography, a shirt for every man married to a whore (i.e., every married man) and the most tasteful shirt about breast cancer we've ever had.
All of our new shirts are here:
Life Is Precious - So Is My Bodily Discharge
Banning the use of stem cells in medical research is a big step in the right direction, but it doesn't go nearly far enough. If you truly wish to protect life in all of its forms you are going to have to get just a little crazier and laugh in the face of scientific fact just a little more. I have just a few suggestions on how we can accomplish this.
The first thing we need to do is ban the wasting of sperm in any way, shape or form. Here is a brief list of things that will no longer be permitted under this rule. No contraceptive use, no masturbating, no pulling out, no swallowing and no anal sex. All of these things waste precious life-giving materials and will not be tolerated. If you must do any of these, you must place your "leavings" in a government issued petri dish and mail it to the Department of Agriculture (don't ask).
Furthermore, no more sex with animals. If it created life in the form of a half dog/half human or half llama/half human it would be acceptable, but until scientists create animals that can be impregnated by humans no animal sex will be allowed.
And while we cannot stop individuals from having wet dreams, we can harvest the material they discharge over night. So all males who have gone through puberty will be required, by law, to wear a sperm collection bin on their genitals while they sleep.
Those are the obvious steps we must take, but there's so much more. Like it or not, the world is full of rapists, pedophiles and other sexual deviants. We cannot stop them from performing illegal sex acts, but we can do the next best thing. We can make sure women of all ages are capable of being impregnated. From the ages of 0-100, all females must be able to conceive. If this means a 9-month-old baby gives birth, so be it. No one ever said protecting life at all costs would make sense.
And it goes without saying that abortion will not be allowed under any circumstances. If a 12-year-old is raped by her uncle and will produce a four-fingered baby with a tail, she must keep it. Protecting life means keeping things alive, not keeping them healthy. If, through some unforeseeable circumstances, you MUST get an abortion, the substances taken from your womb will be used in the creation of a patched together baby. A Franken-baby, if you will.
And in that same vein, women's ovaries will be genetically engineered and the ovulation cycle will be altered to run all day, every day. If women have sex while they aren't ovulating, the sperm they have received will go to waste, and the sexual activity will have been performed for absolutely no reason. This cannot be allowed.
These are all important things we must do in order to preserve humanity. The nearly seven billion people on Earth may make it seem like we don't need to work so hard to protect life, but that's not the case. Because there is one threat to life that is more dangerous than anything else I've mentioned. Death. Death is a merciless killer and will stop at nothing to wipe out the human race. Overpopulating the planet is a great way to fight death, but it's not enough.
We've got to stop letting people die. If that means hooking up the elderly to a dozen machines just so their heart keeps beating, then that's a sacrifice we must make. Even if the only thing a person can do is occupy space, we can't let them go. So in this Utopia I've planned for us, the world will be covered with flipper babies and half human/half robot senior citizens. Like I said, keeping someone alive is more important than keeping them happy. After all, God gave us the precious gift of life, and we must not allow him to take it back.
The Opposite of Love Mail - No, It's Not Expired Pudding
From: Tristian B.
Sent: Friday, June 23, 2006 3:55 PM
Subject: T shirts
Dear T shirthell.com,
I'd like to bring this to your attention. The shirt you made that said, "ARREST BLACK BABIES before they become criminals." offended me greatly. I'd have you know that there were a LOT of black inventors. George Washington Carver was the first black folk to discover the peanut. I don't think your t-shirt is funny. I think that it's a lie. Plus, if you don't care if we're offended, you might care if you ever run out of business. Those shirts are NOT amusing. Amuse yourselves and watch television or invent gadgets. Thanks VERY much.
I hate your shirts,
(Editor's Note: Don't sell our race short, Tristian. Black people can be inventors AND criminals. You don't have to choose one or the other. If you apply yourself, you can be both. Maybe even at the same time. That's why I've invented the highly illegal police-raping/shoe-buffing machine.
But seriously, don't tell me there are a LOT of black inventors and then only list one. Furthermore, don't get the listed invention wrong. Carver created peanut butter, not the peanut. It's not even fucking possible to invent a peanut. You make it sound as if George Washington Carver beat God to the patent office with the peanut.
Lastly, this shirt is a suggestion, so it's not possible for it to be a lie. If you were talking about our "Tristian is smart and doesn't smell like a rotting whore" shirt I'd agree with you. And, to be honest, I don't care if we run out of business, because that's not a word. Thanks very much. I hate you, signed The World.)
From: Robert C.
Sent: Sunday, June 25, 2006 10:15 AM
I spent 24 years in the U S Army, fighting for freedom for guys like you. To print crude t-shirts similar to yours, proves that 1/3 of all Americans are fucking idiots, as they have probably bought one of your t shirts. You are a major cause of degradation of the spirit of America. Now go ahead and blame the political system. Like it or not, it is the best in the world. And, I am sure, a couple of our politicians have bought your sick t-shirts.
(Editor's Note: I like when people defend the government by saying "Like it or not, it's the best in the world." Suggesting that just because I'm not getting shoved in a rape-room I should be happy with everything. That's like saying "Stop complaining about your Leukemia. It's the best cancer in the world."
Having said that, I would like to thank you for fighting for my freedom. Since you don't want people to be able to speak their minds I'm not sure which freedoms you're talking about, but thank you nonetheless. And thanks again for calling us "a major cause of degradation of the spirit of America." It's pretty exhausting burning flags and peeing on bald eagles, but it's times like this that make it all worthwhile.
Just one more thing. You spelled the last word in your e-mail wrong. You wrote "retired" when it is actually spelled "retarded." Later, Major Taint Licker.)
Sent: Sunday, June 25, 2006 2:25 PM
fuck you, I like BUSH the only president with BALLS!! you ass fucker
(Editor's Note: Ahh, how I've missed this demographic. Make all the shirts about rape, abortion and racism that you want and a lot of people won't bat an eyelash, but make one shirt that criticizes the way a fully grown man does his job and the douche-bags come out of the woodwork.
I like how much these people care about someone that doesn't even know they exist, and wouldn't care about them if he did know them. And I don't just mean Bush. I mean the president in general. Michael, if I were to call you "a stupid dick that deserves to be raped by a pack of badgers in heat," do you think the president would give a shit? No, he'd go right back to eating my pussy.
The problem is that people take attacks on politicians personally, just because they have some of the same beliefs. So please understand, when someone insults the president, they're insulting the president, not your insignificant ass. I mean, I don't go flying off the handle when someone insults Hitler. I just shrug it off and shove them in my oven.)
From: jim b.
Sent: Tuesday, July 04, 2006 4:29 PM
Subject: fact and fiction
It's called football, not soccer; suckers. Of course your babies are not starving, they're fed on all the shit those sewerscum fuckers at Mcdonalds turn out.
(Editor's Note: Can other countries please get over the fact that we call it soccer? Soccer, football, who the fuck cares? We only called it soccer in the first place because it was catchier than "the abortion of the sports world."
It's just what we call it in this area of the world. The same way the English say "lift" and we call it an elevator. And the same way they say Jim B. in your part of the world, instead of saying "stupid asshole whose mother regrets keeping her baby."
And thank you for suggesting that it's better to let your baby starve to death rather than feed it McDonald's food. I suppose giving a kid a Big Mac is worse than letting him or her get a distended belly and stand next to water buffalo beside a filthy river. Thanks for the parenting advice. And keep fighting the good fight for soccer, a.k.a. twatball.)
If You're Dyslexic, Welcome to the Beginning of This Newsletter
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And forced sodomy, which is probably even worse.