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08/02/05

Just a quick note to remind you that we're now offering $1000 plus 10 free shirts for the winner of the T-Shirt Hell T-Shirt Wearing Whore Competition.
So, grab your favorite whore and start snapping... pictures.

http://www.tshirthell.com/whores.htm

[Our New Shirts Are All Magically Delicious!]

We have 5 new shirts this week. Sure, we have the usual favorites that celebrate slutty moms and lousy dads. We also have a takeoff of a classic t-shirt that answers, 'the question' once and for all. But our last t-shirt is so special we had to make two versions! It's a crowd pleaser that's sure to provoke a strong reaction. Wars have been started over less.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt513n.htm

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.

[Why would you do that?]

If you don't know what I mean by the title, go back and click the link to see our new shirts. I'll wait here.

OK, so you're probably wondering, or laughing, or crying, but probably still wondering: why would we reveal the ending to the new Harry Potter book?

It's quite simple: we did it for you. Reading Harry Potter promotes childhood obesity. It promotes eyestrain. You could get a paper cut or drop the book on your toe, develop a blister that gets infected, and die

Now admittedly, I have never read a Harry Potter book. But like my critics, I'll be damned if my complete lack of knowledge on a subject will stop me from commenting on it.

Harry Potter promotes racism. Not only are there no African Americans at Hogwarts, there are no American Americans! Who wants to read a book that doesn't have Americans in it? That's like having a war without Americans in it. The book promises no hot girl on girl action. Yes, there are pictures, which is important in a book. But there are no pictures of the aforementioned hot girl on girl action so really, what is the point? And witchcraft isn't something you learn in school. School is a place to sleep, and buy drugs. Witchcraft is only taught naked in the woods with plenty of booze and animal sacrifices. Or is that Scrabble? Maybe that was Stacey Schneider's Bat Mitzvah. To be honest my childhood is a bit of a blur once I started chasing my Ritalin with Jack and Cokes.

There are other more serious consequences to reading Harry Potter. Just imagine this scenario.

You: I just finished reading, "The Half Blood Prince". When Dumbledore got killed, I cried.

Random Muscle-bound Idiot: You cried when you read, "The Half Blood Prince"? I'm going to beat you into a bloody pulp with this claw hammer.

You: (Trembling) "Petrificus Totalus!"

Since you can't actually cast spells, you get the snot beaten out of you.
But thanks to us, there is an entirely new scenario:

You: I just finished reading the T-shirt Hell newsletter. When I read the part where they reveal that Dumbledore gets killed, I cried.

Random Muscle-bound Idiot: You read the T-Shirt Hell newsletter? You are so awesome. Do you want to come to my house and watch me finger my sister?

You: Yes. Yes I do.

But the worst possible scenario after reading a Harry Potter book is that you might actually develop a love of reading. Pretty soon you'd be reading other books, maybe even a newspaper? You would start to become educated, and informed. You would begin to think for yourself and form your own opinions. We can't have that. Go play Grand Theft Auto. Install the Hot Coffee mod. If you install it in Donkey Kong you can watch Mario fuck Luigi in the ass. So in closing, there's no need to thank me. I'm here to help.

[Write Me, Hate Me, Bite Me]

----- Original Message -----

From: Jeanonnew @ ***.com
Sent: Sunday, July 24, 2005 11:39 AM
Subject: Questions about Your Company

I really do like some of your Tshirts you have to offer and I really do like your site, but I noticed that you have a lot of shirts that promote a lot of racial slurs and comments, I know some of you think that it is funny to have shirts like this but I just want to know if any members of your staff are racist or believe in certain values that promote racism? If you are then that is ok, I just wanted to know, I am not going to hate your company or say anything bad about your company I was just a little concerned with the material you sell. I know a lot of companies that just sell merchandise like that for fun but it just erks me of how much of it you have.

Thank you for your time,

Jeanon

(Editor's Note: Jeanon, while we do employ several vehement racists, they all work in packaging. They're always referring to the non white shirts as coloreds. Fucking racists. We don't feel any need to promote racism as it seems to be doing just fine by itself. We pride ourselves on promoting a general hatred for all people regardless of race, color, or creed. We are also planning on promoting Steve in Accounting. He's not a great accountant, but he gives the BEST rimjobs. Better than mom!)

----- Original Message -----

From: Jesus S.
Sent: Wednesday, July 27, 2005 1:34 AM
Subject: Question

I don't know if this is a stupid question but does it work on myspace.

(Editor's Note: Jesus, yes that is a stupid question.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Sean S.
Sent: Monday, August 01, 2005 10:43 PM
Subject: Quite upset

I know you probably get a lot of angry letters and emails and you are probably going to get even more due to the shirt on your main page. Well I am one of those many people that are very upset. I enjoy coming to your site to see the newest shirts because I find them pretty funny. But today I bring up your page and I see that shirt with the major Harry Potter spoiler pasted across it. I purchased the book right when it came out and have read it when I can and am only about 150 pages into it and was hoping that I could read through the entire book without having it spoiled like I managed to do with the other five books.

Now if I wasn't a Harry Potter fan I wouldn't mind this and would find it pretty funny but having spent $20 on the book and only being part of the way into it I am very upset that you would spoil it so blatantly. I have not purchased a shirt from your site before but I was seriously considering making a few purchases but now that you've upset me in this way I am seriously considering taking my business elsewhere. I think you should know that there are many Potter fans that don't want the book spoiled before they get a chance to read it and you should put up some kind of warning that they could see a spoiler on your site. I hope you are happy that you have completely turned away a loyal and supportive fan of your site.

(Editor's Note: We have received a lot of angry letters. Many from loyal and supportive fans like yourself who do not actually purchase any of our products. Now I guess you're a sworn enemy of our site who does not actually purchase of our products? You will be sorely missed. Lighten up. It's a children's book. And do you want to know something else? There's no Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny doesn't lay his own eggs and Rosebud is not just the nickname I gave my gash, it's the name of the sled.)

----- Original Message -----

From: "Some Name" <somename @ ***l.com>
Sent: Tuesday, August 02, 2005 8:11 AM
Subject: Dumbledore-Shirt is incomplete

Hey!

Great idea with the Dumbledore-Shirt, but it won't give the full impact. You should also add a

"... and SNAPE did it!"

Anita

(Editor's Note: Anita that would be totally uncool. It's bad enough that
the shirt reveals that Dumbledore dies. But to reveal that he's killed by Snape, the Half Blood Prince? No way.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Jim
Sent: Saturday, July 30, 2005 1:34 PM

First of all i am not a prude or a tree hugging activist but i feel compelled to tell you how disgusted i am with your t-shirt slogans.

Promoting crap like that only fuels the ongoing trend of bitterness and bigotry in the world.

You should not be allowed to market this type of garbage anywhere.

(Editor's Note: You are definitely not a tree hugging prude you tree fucking freak. I'm out here every day protecting your rights to free speech while you're in some forest trying to feel up a Silver Maple (Acer saccharinum). When most people say they're going to tap a tree they mean they're planning to make maple syrup. But not you you sick fuck. You like to stick your dick in the nearest knothole you treevert. I'd like to cut you in half and count the rings to find out how long it took you to get this stupid. We sell funny t-shirts and spread joy. You do nothing but defile our forests. I hope Smokey the Bear catches you and beats you to death with his shovel, while Woodsy the Owl shits in your mouth.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Michel R.
Sent: Friday, July 29, 2005 8:04 AM
Subject: Notice about the press page

Hello,

In your page (http://www.tshirthell.com/press.htm) sorry, I really had to click there!! I see you assume "Motards" means "Motorcycles for Retards". I just wanted to tell you that a "Motard" is just someone who rides a "Motorcycle" not especially a retard.

Regards,
Michel - Belgium

(Editor's Note: What a fucking motard... )

----- Original Message -----

From: lucretia n.
Sent: Sunday, July 24, 2005 2:52 PM
Subject: Re: The Mid July Thing

I just wanted to comment on your t-shirt:
KROSS-BURNING-KOCKSUCKING-KLOWNS
think it sucks and so you do!!! First off we do not burn crosses we light them you stupid fuck- it is a symbol of the light of Jesus Christ.Which obviously you are in need of some bible reading and klan history.Second, there are no kocksucking klowns in the klan cause if you were smart you would know that we are against gay and lesbians and believe in the way of the bible- which is man and woman together. Next time you decide to print a stupid shirt like this get your fucking facts straight.
Lucretia

(Editor's Note: Well the last thing this Nubian princess would ever want to do is offend any of my sensitive, well meaning friends in the KKK. Thanks for clarifying that you don't burn crosses. I hope someone "lights" your house. You know, to let the light of Jesus Christ in? Preferably while you and your friends are engaged in your weekly bible study/circle jerk. It's interesting how you don't deny being clowns. It's always funny to see the giant shoes sticking out from under those sheets. And it's convenient that you can all ride to your rallies in one tiny car.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Shermika M.
Sent: Tuesday, August 02, 2005 10:42 AM
Subject: sTOP THE RACIST

I've always believed in freedom of speech but not when it is directed to ones culture, color or ethinicity. We should not be able to sell such items.
Especially anything that talks about our kids. Involve me in this issue I would like to know what is being done to stop the color line.

(Editor's Note: Your version of free speech does not seem very free, or very fun. What is all of this talk about "we"? I'm not talking about our kids because we don't have any. You just couldn't control yourself and ended up jerking off to the picture of Aunt Jemima on the box of pancake mix, while I was in the bathroom fixing my make up. So, that's why I don't want you involved in my company or my life. Take a hint and stop calling me. The next time you come by my house I'm going to send out the really hungry dogs you motard.)

[The End]

I know you're done reading because your lips have stopped moving. Go back to your boring existence.