Happy Easter, everybody. What? You own the calendar, don't let the calendar own you. So, again, Happy fucking Easter, you fucking assholes. Let's get to the manufactured news.

Sarah Palin is officially out of office. It's about time. She can finally stop dicking around with Alaska and get started on that cure for cancer. What? You don't think she can do it just because she's stupid even when compared to other women? It's such a stereotype that huge idiots aren't smart. She's going to show you all when she writes her book: "Moose 'n Other Things I Dun Kilt."

Microsoft and Yahoo have reached a deal which they hope will threaten Google as the dominant search engine. In related news, I'm proud to introduce my new line of foot-jars, because shoes have been working really well for far too long.

Swine flu is once again making headlines. But it's not for the reason you think. Swine flu actually raped and killed a couple girls in Western Kentucky and now it’s on the run. Just kidding, it's still not really doing anything but being talked about anyway. It's like the Paris Hilton of diseases. So it's like Paris Hilton. A Paris Hilton joke? Who writes this shit?

In sports news, a controversy regarding ultra-slick swimsuits recently- Oh my god! This is what we're down to? Fucking swimsuits!? "Well gee, I have this 24-hour news network; I can't just let it sit there and go to waste. Let's talk about swimmin' fast. And here's tomorrow's headline: 'Man Enjoys Bowl of Kix, Yawns.' This just in: Helicopters! Back to you, talking chimp."

The highly existing GI Joe movie is coming out this week. I hope the movie stays true to the source material. By which I mean I hope all the characters are melted by magnifying glasses or blown up by M-80s after I've played with them for two days.

Comments (5) - View Comments - Add A Comment

DV8DON  08/03/09 8:23 pm
NOW I know how Billy Mayes, got his look!!!!!!!! GI"billy"joe!

Damiana  08/03/09 8:38 pm
Can't believe there was no newsletter mention of this story (and the comments are a blast!):

Death Magnetic  08/05/09 6:07 pm
When will Paris Hilton catch the swine flu and die, too? I'm still waiting for that one.

Lt. Commander Data  08/06/09 4:45 pm
They're screwing over Phelps, they're trashing Palin, and they're generally no good. They equates to Big Brother and his sister, Michelle Obama...

JoKer  08/12/09 6:17 pm
a pig with lipstick + swineflu + slick suits ? whos nail'n pal---- serious shit going on there .

long division


Stories of my vagina abound and no two seem to be the same. They have been retold so often and so greatly exaggerated it has become virtually impossible to distinguish fiction from reality. And while stories of my vagina are so plentiful they could warrant an entire season of Mythbusters, I would like to attempt to clear up any misconceptions the public may have about the old girl. So here are some common myths about that general region and the facts behind the myths.

picture 1MYTH: My vagina has incredible vocal range and won two Grammys in 2002.

FACT: They were Latin Grammys. You might as well give it a "World's Best Vagina" mug.

MYTH: My vagina produces a stench so potent it can drop a charging rhino and secretions collected from it have been used in the manufacture of chemical weapons.

FACT: While potent, the odor my vagina produces is quite pleasant. In fact, a certain feminine hygiene product uses fluids from my vagina as a wash for women of more discerning tastes.

MYTH: My vagina can travel through time and housed hundreds of Jews during the Holocaust.

FACT: It can't time-travel. However, the Native American woman who bestowed my vagina to me when I was a little girl told me it existed long before I was born. As to what it was doing before the late 80s... Your guess is as good as mine. But I have found several poop covered diamonds in it.

MYTH: If placed at the center of Stonehenge, my vagina will contact a race of aliens who will return to this planet and see how this experiment known as "humanity" is coming along.pic 2

FACT: I've been to Stonehenge and can assure you no such event took place. However, it did turn the sky purple for a moment, and everyone in Wiltshire, England could fly for the next 48 hours.

MYTH: Blood produced at the peak of my menstrual cycle can be sprayed on crops to ensure a wonderful harvest. But if not properly diluted, can produce wheat that cries for no reason.

FACT: While my menstrual blood is a wonderful insect repellent, spraying it on crops does little more than kill off all plant life except for a cactus that seems to infect local wildlife with a condition similar to rabies.

MYTH: My vagina is capable of manipulating sound waves and can actually make its queefs sound like Howard Cosell.

picture 1FACT: My vagina cannot alter sound, but is capable of concentrating it in such a way that its queefs could easily cause a brain hemorrhage. If it so desired.

MYTH: My vagina draws its strength from its pubes. Shaving it would render my vagina powerless.

FACT: My pubes grow at a rate of five inches per day and must be shaved often. Incidentally, I don't know the source of my vagina's power. I just know that sometimes it gets angry and I wake up several hours later in shredded purple panties.

MYTH: When the left and right sides of my vagina are squeezed together, a map leading to Montezuma's treasure is revealed.

FACT: Although a ridiculous claim, I attempted this and found it created a few words of what looked to be Latin. I began to read them aloud but thought better of it when I noticed a crack in the sky.

MYTH: Urine expelled from my vagina comes out in a vast array of bryour momight colors and this act was once a featured attraction of Cirque du Soleil.

FACT: Just as yours is, my urine is either clear or yellow. But I have noticed that when I pee in a pool, everyone swimming in it appears to grow a few years younger.

MYTH: My vaginal cavity is of such impressive size that it is not used to smuggle drugs, but rather black market furs and vases.

FACT: My vagina could not possibly be used to aid smugglers, as anything that enters my vagina is almost immediately converted into a wish-granting raccoon.

Comments (23) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Mao  08/03/09 4:03 pm
Your vag is way cooler than mine...will it friend me on MySpace?

Eddie  08/03/09 7:42 pm
Didn't your vagina once co-host a radio talk show?

Eddie  08/03/09 7:43 pm
Didn't your vagina once co-host a radio talk show?

Jesus  08/03/09 10:55 pm
Is there any way you can reverse the raccoon phenomena?

The wishes are cool but... It makes it REALLY hard to masturbate. :|

Ass Hole Poop  08/04/09 1:58 am
That shit was fucking stupid, worst newsletter ever. To shithead named Mao: I don't think anyone's on Myspace anymore, not even a dirty snatch.

Ass Hole Poop  08/04/09 4:57 am

Ratty2Fatty  08/04/09 12:45 pm
Wow, your vag needs to meet my cock and balls. They were once awarded a Nobel Prize for their studies in Neuro Psychology. Imagine the offspring?!

jesusfuckingchrist  08/04/09 3:09 pm
holy fuck!!!!!! what happened to the newsletter? This shit you are spewing is in no way,shape,or form funny.Just like Dane Cook"s standup.

FinkStinger  08/04/09 3:16 pm
I heard that your vag is so massive that it was once overthrown in a military coup and is now officiallynow as the Democratic Republic of Vaginia.

bDoob  08/05/09 12:42 am
I nearly pissed myself laughing so hard... and @ Jesus... wtf? A vagina that sweet doesn't need to be masturbated... it fucks itself.

Kam  08/05/09 4:04 am
Not only that ..... But when not walking on water you're vagina flies through the air with the greatest of ease =P

Kat deVille  08/05/09 4:18 am
You don't piss from your vag. Well, unless somebody really fucked up your sex change.

My vagina is so awesome, it can speak Russian. In French. Better than that Dos Equis geezer.

Sexist Pig  08/05/09 9:14 am
Somebody get rid of this Cunt (Writer) and destroy her Vagina monologue she calls it a Newsletter, and where the fuck is Sunshine Megatron, I want to read his brain dropping not this crap.
- Sexist Pig.

C & C  08/05/09 9:17 am
Can somebody pull our Sunshine Megatron out of shit pile of douchebaggery (yes, he deserves to be called that, after all he let this Skank write the newsletter) and save the day

Munchkin  08/05/09 9:19 am
Oh, Puhlease,
Who let this whore out and let her write the newsletter, will somebody lock her wherever she belongs, a place where she can die with her Low-Vagina-Esteem.

Fish-girl  08/05/09 12:03 pm
If you idiots had ever paid attention to the newsletter before you would know a woman has always written it. At least for as long as I can remember. And she's black. Which makes me question at least half of these "facts" about her vagina. Raccoon, indeed.

Death Magnetic  08/05/09 6:20 pm
Yeah, those Latin Grammys are about as worthless and idiotic as the music it's supposed to give recognition to. Instead, why do they just give them a basket of beans and tortillas and be done with it?

PhilosopherRogue  08/05/09 6:30 pm
Best August 2009 update you've ever done. I was in Wiltshire when that happened. I shit on a house.

Abe Froman Jr.  08/06/09 12:51 pm
I find the myths and the facts about your vagina to be equally disturbing. Just promise you'll spare me when your vagina enslaves humanity.

Travis  08/06/09 3:41 pm
Leif Erikson Discovered america, a viking, not some faggy little spainiard on the Santa Maria.

Lt. Commander Data  08/06/09 4:53 pm
I had a wonderful black and white pussy for 12.5 years. My cat, that is. Oh, and my dong is indeed just a very long, strong, manly clitoris. As for uses of secretions, the sweat around my testicles has been used as an aphrodisiac to get bulls horny. One came after me once, which was very embarrassing...

Dmac  08/07/09 1:39 am
Well so far the comments have been just as good as the newsletter... Then you read mine

JoKer  08/12/09 6:07 pm
badass pussy is strong, but that is powerful


picture 1The new school year is nearly upon us. And while for me this means far less time spent trolling at Hot Topic during the day, for many of you it means boning up on your studies or seeing how long you can conceal your summertime pregnancy. Short of suggesting abortion or suicide, I can't help you with the latter, but where the former is concerned, I'd like to present you with this practice exam to help prepare you for the year ahead. So get your hands off your genitals, turn off your new-fangled music boxes and prepare to sharpen your brain bones. Open your tests... NOW!


English - Identify the gerunds in the following paragraph.

Who fucking cares what a gerund is? Going the way we are, in ten years America will be so bleak and desolate that Mad Max will seem like a hopeful image of the future. When roving maniacs have a gun to my son's head so I'll hand over my water and canned goods, I won't care where I'm shitting, much less what a goddamn gerund is. (Hint: There are four.)

does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

Social Studies - Who discovered America?

(Note: If you answer anything other than "Christopher Columbus" you're a huge douche. We get it, you damn hippie: The white man is responsible for all the problems in the world and we should all smoke pot, drink chai tea and eat organically grown blueberries in a field. Save it for the other fags in your "Unwashed Tools" club.)

does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

Math - Solve the following word problem.

Your mom boards a train in Chicago. The train is headed for Atlanta at a speed of 80 m.p.h. Factoring in her average rate of 5 per hour, how many cocks will your mom suck on this trip? 10 bonus points if you know how many centiliters of cum will be in her stomach when she arrives.

does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

Physical Education - Do the following exercises.

10 push-ups, 10 chin-ups, 20 sit-ups, 5 laps around- Oh, who am I kidding? Have you seen the average teenager lately? If reading this isn't causing heavy breathing you pass.

does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

Science - In the following group of statements, circle the factual statements.your mom

A) Man evolved from lesser life forms over a period of billions of years.

B) If you remove a rib and toss it on the ground, it becomes a woman.

C) Even without artificial insemination, women who don't have sex can have babies.

D) Parting a massive body of water with a stick is impossible.

E) Giants are real and can easily be killed by small rocks.

(Note: These questions were taken from a schoolbook in Alabama.)

does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

Driver's Ed - It is acceptable to do which of the following while driving:

picture 1A) Eat fast food.

B) Talk or text on your cell phone.

C) Give or receive a blowjob.

D) Blast your shitty hip-hop at ground-shaking volume. Seriously, what is with that? It's like they don't care about anyone but themselves. "I can hear this at a much lower volume, but I'm gonna play it like this so you can just deal with it, fuckin' punk ass biatch!" I mean, I've never been disturbed by a drunk driver or a person texting while driving. I suppose they can cause accidents, but frankly, I'd prefer one accident per month to hearing some asshole yell about booty over some obnoxious beat 20 times on a simple trip to post office. WHAT THE FU- I mean, circle all that apply.

does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

Spanish - Translate the following common English phrases to Spanish while English is still an existing language from which we can translate.

"They're stealing our jobs!" "Learn the language!" "Why should I have to press one!!!" "How much would my groceries cost? I guess they can stay."

does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

your momShop Class - Using 10 ounces of clay, 12 inches of copper pipe and a 2x4, make anything, ANYTHING, other than a bong.

No bongs! You kids may not like me, but you will respect me! Oh, sure, you'll sit still and pay attention for Mrs. Parkhurst in Geometry just because that needy bitch shoves her fake tits in your teenage faces, but not for Mr. Garson. "Let's laugh at the loser trying to teach us a trade. Ha ha ha!" You won't be laughing when you're 35 and the birds in your backyard don't have a place to roost! You can all bite my dick!

Comments (17) - View Comments - Add A Comment

manther  08/03/09 4:20 pm
OK....I have 10 ounces of clay, 12 inches of copper pipe and a 2x4.....I think I'll make a lovely, homemade.....oh shit,'s a bong.

BattleToads  08/03/09 7:06 pm
Science test fail.
A and D are both factually accurate, and your source must be an antique. Alabama banned books that aren't the bible years ago.

Maxx  08/03/09 7:36 pm
If I can get master chief to do the exercises will that count?

Masta Fu  08/04/09 12:18 am
Chicago to Atlanta = 585mi

585/80 = 7.31 hrs

7.31hrs x 5 = 36.6 cocks

*E.C. 5cl^3 of cum per cock

36 x 5 = 180cl^3

Please take note that you must round the number down because your mom got lazy and couldnt finish off the last cock.

Outlander  08/04/09 8:05 am
chicago to atlanta 589 miles
589/80=7.4 hrs
7.4hrs x 5 cocks = 37 cocks in whole trip
and that bitch probably dont swollow so zero cl of cum on the whole trip.

Amy j19  08/04/09 1:17 pm
This shit sucks donkey dicks! When is sunshine Megatron gonna get back to answereing mail?

Dave  08/04/09 1:29 pm
Birds won't be able to roost in my back yard? Good! All those fuckers do is make noise and shit on everything!

Major82  08/04/09 4:01 pm
enough bitching about the lack of hate mail already. i enjoyed it as much as the next guy but move the fuck on. How many times do you need to see someone get called a dumb twat anyway. if you don't think its funny thats your opinion but you act like its not funny just because its not hate mail. thats like watching the office and saying it sucks because its not family guy. ballsauce

bDoob  08/05/09 12:48 am
i FUCKING love gerunds... without them I couldn't be laughing while reading this thing or driving while hitting the bong manther made...

Az  08/05/09 9:11 am
Somebody get rid of this Cunt (Writer) and destroy her Vagina monologue she calls it a Newsletter, and where the fuck is Sunshine Megatron, I want to read his brain dropping not this crap.
- Sexist Pig.

Vrolok  08/05/09 3:27 pm
fucking, going, roving & shitting... what did i win?

Death Magnetic  08/05/09 6:31 pm
Estos pendejos estan a robando mi trabajo! Aprendate a la lengua, hijo de tu puta madre! Porque chingaos necesita a pegar uno, buey? Cuanto cuesta mi marijuana, culero? Pos entonces ellos pueden a quedar aqui, pinche joto!

How's that? You think those wetbacks will understand that? This, of course, is a literal translation with a few choice words placed sporadically about. Spanish lesson is over for today, children.

Lt. Commander Data  08/06/09 5:09 pm
"Who fucking cares?" makes fucking something between an adverb and a useless intensive. It's not a gerund, which is a verbal noun. "Going the way we are..." has going modifying America. It's a participial adjective, not a verbal noun, and is in an absolute clause. "When roving maniacs..." again, a participial adjective. Roving modifies maniacs... "I won't care where I'm shitting"... "am shitting" is a verb, the present progressive of shit. Not a verbal noun.

Someone flunked Ingrish bad...

Queer Duck  08/06/09 6:43 pm
Either Lt. Commander Data already knew that or he looked it up just to be right. I wonder if people who always correct the tiniest amount of irrelevant misinformation realize how often they expose themselves as the idiot instead of those they're criticizing.

Lt. Commander Data  08/06/09 10:11 pm
All in humor, Duck, all in humor. That should be obvious from the last line about Ingrish. If you think gerunds are bad, try gerundives (only found in Latin, as best I know). They make gerunds look positively useful in comparison. And why am I responding to a queer duck? I like ducks, but not to eat, and queers... well, ok, gerunds are queer, too...

JoKer  08/12/09 5:51 pm
well the rib i threw on the ground didnt turn into a woman but the fuzz did remind me of a former girlfriend

nichole  08/18/09 4:48 pm
The term is "pedant." I believe it was the reason the internet was invented.

joy division

[Yes, That Was It]

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he'll slowly die of mercury poisoning.