Happy Easter, everybody. What? You own the calendar, don't let the calendar own you. So, again, Happy fucking Easter, you fucking assholes. Let's get to the manufactured news.
Sarah Palin is officially out of office. It's about time. She can finally stop dicking around with Alaska and get started on that cure for cancer. What? You don't think she can do it just because she's stupid even when compared to other women? It's such a stereotype that huge idiots aren't smart. She's going to show you all when she writes her book: "Moose 'n Other Things I Dun Kilt."
Microsoft and Yahoo have reached a deal which they hope will threaten Google as the dominant search engine. In related news, I'm proud to introduce my new line of foot-jars, because shoes have been working really well for far too long.
Swine flu is once again making headlines. But it's not for the reason you think. Swine flu actually raped and killed a couple girls in Western Kentucky and now it’s on the run. Just kidding, it's still not really doing anything but being talked about anyway. It's like the Paris Hilton of diseases. So it's like Paris Hilton. A Paris Hilton joke? Who writes this shit?
In sports news, a controversy regarding ultra-slick swimsuits recently- Oh my god! This is what we're down to? Fucking swimsuits!? "Well gee, I have this 24-hour news network; I can't just let it sit there and go to waste. Let's talk about swimmin' fast. And here's tomorrow's headline: 'Man Enjoys Bowl of Kix, Yawns.' This just in: Helicopters! Back to you, talking chimp."
The highly existing GI Joe movie is coming out this week. I hope the movie stays true to the source material. By which I mean I hope all the characters are melted by magnifying glasses or blown up by M-80s after I've played with them for two days.
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Stories of my vagina abound and no two seem to be the same. They have been retold so often and so greatly exaggerated it has become virtually impossible to distinguish fiction from reality. And while stories of my vagina are so plentiful they could warrant an entire season of Mythbusters, I would like to attempt to clear up any misconceptions the public may have about the old girl. So here are some common myths about that general region and the facts behind the myths.
MYTH: My vagina has incredible vocal range and won two Grammys in 2002.
FACT: They were Latin Grammys. You might as well give it a "World's Best Vagina" mug.
MYTH: My vagina produces a stench so potent it can drop a charging rhino and secretions collected from it have been used in the manufacture of chemical weapons.
FACT: While potent, the odor my vagina produces is quite pleasant. In fact, a certain feminine hygiene product uses fluids from my vagina as a wash for women of more discerning tastes.
MYTH: My vagina can travel through time and housed hundreds of Jews during the Holocaust.
FACT: It can't time-travel. However, the Native American woman who bestowed my vagina to me when I was a little girl told me it existed long before I was born. As to what it was doing before the late 80s... Your guess is as good as mine. But I have found several poop covered diamonds in it.
MYTH: If placed at the center of Stonehenge, my vagina will contact a race of aliens who will return to this planet and see how this experiment known as "humanity" is coming along.
FACT: I've been to Stonehenge and can assure you no such event took place. However, it did turn the sky purple for a moment, and everyone in Wiltshire, England could fly for the next 48 hours.
MYTH: Blood produced at the peak of my menstrual cycle can be sprayed on crops to ensure a wonderful harvest. But if not properly diluted, can produce wheat that cries for no reason.
FACT: While my menstrual blood is a wonderful insect repellent, spraying it on crops does little more than kill off all plant life except for a cactus that seems to infect local wildlife with a condition similar to rabies.
MYTH: My vagina is capable of manipulating sound waves and can actually make its queefs sound like Howard Cosell.
FACT: My vagina cannot alter sound, but is capable of concentrating it in such a way that its queefs could easily cause a brain hemorrhage. If it so desired.
MYTH: My vagina draws its strength from its pubes. Shaving it would render my vagina powerless.
FACT: My pubes grow at a rate of five inches per day and must be shaved often. Incidentally, I don't know the source of my vagina's power. I just know that sometimes it gets angry and I wake up several hours later in shredded purple panties.
MYTH: When the left and right sides of my vagina are squeezed together, a map leading to Montezuma's treasure is revealed.
FACT: Although a ridiculous claim, I attempted this and found it created a few words of what looked to be Latin. I began to read them aloud but thought better of it when I noticed a crack in the sky.
MYTH: Urine expelled from my vagina comes out in a vast array of bright colors and this act was once a featured attraction of Cirque du Soleil.
FACT: Just as yours is, my urine is either clear or yellow. But I have noticed that when I pee in a pool, everyone swimming in it appears to grow a few years younger.
MYTH: My vaginal cavity is of such impressive size that it is not used to smuggle drugs, but rather black market furs and vases.
FACT: My vagina could not possibly be used to aid smugglers, as anything that enters my vagina is almost immediately converted into a wish-granting raccoon.
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The new school year is nearly upon us. And while for me this means far less time spent trolling at Hot Topic during the day, for many of you it means boning up on your studies or seeing how long you can conceal your summertime pregnancy. Short of suggesting abortion or suicide, I can't help you with the latter, but where the former is concerned, I'd like to present you with this practice exam to help prepare you for the year ahead. So get your hands off your genitals, turn off your new-fangled music boxes and prepare to sharpen your brain bones. Open your tests... NOW!
English - Identify the gerunds in the following paragraph.
Who fucking cares what a gerund is? Going the way we are, in ten years America will be so bleak and desolate that Mad Max will seem like a hopeful image of the future. When roving maniacs have a gun to my son's head so I'll hand over my water and canned goods, I won't care where I'm shitting, much less what a goddamn gerund is. (Hint: There are four.)
Social Studies - Who discovered America?
(Note: If you answer anything other than "Christopher Columbus" you're a huge douche. We get it, you damn hippie: The white man is responsible for all the problems in the world and we should all smoke pot, drink chai tea and eat organically grown blueberries in a field. Save it for the other fags in your "Unwashed Tools" club.)
Math - Solve the following word problem.
Your mom boards a train in Chicago. The train is headed for Atlanta at a speed of 80 m.p.h. Factoring in her average rate of 5 per hour, how many cocks will your mom suck on this trip? 10 bonus points if you know how many centiliters of cum will be in her stomach when she arrives.
Physical Education - Do the following exercises.
10 push-ups, 10 chin-ups, 20 sit-ups, 5 laps around- Oh, who am I kidding? Have you seen the average teenager lately? If reading this isn't causing heavy breathing you pass.
Science - In the following group of statements, circle the factual statements.
A) Man evolved from lesser life forms over a period of billions of years.
B) If you remove a rib and toss it on the ground, it becomes a woman.
C) Even without artificial insemination, women who don't have sex can have babies.
D) Parting a massive body of water with a stick is impossible.
E) Giants are real and can easily be killed by small rocks.
(Note: These questions were taken from a schoolbook in Alabama.)
Driver's Ed - It is acceptable to do which of the following while driving:
A) Eat fast food.
B) Talk or text on your cell phone.
C) Give or receive a blowjob.
D) Blast your shitty hip-hop at ground-shaking volume. Seriously, what is with that? It's like they don't care about anyone but themselves. "I can hear this at a much lower volume, but I'm gonna play it like this so you can just deal with it, fuckin' punk ass biatch!" I mean, I've never been disturbed by a drunk driver or a person texting while driving. I suppose they can cause accidents, but frankly, I'd prefer one accident per month to hearing some asshole yell about booty over some obnoxious beat 20 times on a simple trip to post office. WHAT THE FU- I mean, circle all that apply.
Spanish - Translate the following common English phrases to Spanish while English is still an existing language from which we can translate.
"They're stealing our jobs!" "Learn the language!" "Why should I have to press one!!!" "How much would my groceries cost? I guess they can stay."
Shop Class - Using 10 ounces of clay, 12 inches of copper pipe and a 2x4, make anything, ANYTHING, other than a bong.
No bongs! You kids may not like me, but you will respect me! Oh, sure, you'll sit still and pay attention for Mrs. Parkhurst in Geometry just because that needy bitch shoves her fake tits in your teenage faces, but not for Mr. Garson. "Let's laugh at the loser trying to teach us a trade. Ha ha ha!" You won't be laughing when you're 35 and the birds in your backyard don't have a place to roost! You can all bite my dick!
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[Yes, That Was It]
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he'll slowly die of mercury poisoning.