DOUCHEBAG NAME GENERATOR
AM I STILL HERE?
SAILOR TRASH
THIS RENAISSANCE FAIRE SUCKS
HOW DO I BLOCK YOU IN REAL LIFE?
SUCK ALL YOU WANT, I'LL MAKE MORE
ANTE, CHRIST
POP A SMURF
I HOPE I DON'T BLACK OUT, BECAUSE THIS IS AWESOME
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU: HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, CITRIC ACID... MAKE LEMONADE
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
IF I WERE A DIRTY SKANK I WOULD HAVE A TATTOO JUST LIKE THIS ONE (TRAMP STAMP)
BLING-BLING
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
YOU COULD SINGLE-HANDEDLY MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE - OR YOU COULD USE TWO HANDS
MOO (CHICKEN)

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

Happy Easter, everybody. What? You own the calendar, don't let the calendar own you. So, again, Happy fucking Easter, you fucking assholes. Let's get to the manufactured news.

Sarah Palin is officially out of office. It's about time. She can finally stop dicking around with Alaska and get started on that cure for cancer. What? You don't think she can do it just because she's stupid even when compared to other women? It's such a stereotype that huge idiots aren't smart. She's going to show you all when she writes her book: "Moose 'n Other Things I Dun Kilt."

Microsoft and Yahoo have reached a deal which they hope will threaten Google as the dominant search engine. In related news, I'm proud to introduce my new line of foot-jars, because shoes have been working really well for far too long.

Swine flu is once again making headlines. But it's not for the reason you think. Swine flu actually raped and killed a couple girls in Western Kentucky and now it’s on the run. Just kidding, it's still not really doing anything but being talked about anyway. It's like the Paris Hilton of diseases. So it's like Paris Hilton. A Paris Hilton joke? Who writes this shit?

In sports news, a controversy regarding ultra-slick swimsuits recently- Oh my god! This is what we're down to? Fucking swimsuits!? "Well gee, I have this 24-hour news network; I can't just let it sit there and go to waste. Let's talk about swimmin' fast. And here's tomorrow's headline: 'Man Enjoys Bowl of Kix, Yawns.' This just in: Helicopters! Back to you, talking chimp."

The highly existing GI Joe movie is coming out this week. I hope the movie stays true to the source material. By which I mean I hope all the characters are melted by magnifying glasses or blown up by M-80s after I've played with them for two days.


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