The Simpsons is the top movie this summer, in spite of the fact it's basically just 3 episodes of the TV show hastily stitched together. I bought my ticket, but I also brought my portable television to the theatre so I could enjoy some old episodes of Bonanza instead. In your face, Matt Groening!
Nicole Ritchie has announced she's been impregnated by her boyfriend Joel Madden from the crappy band Good Charlotte. The child what will no doubt be raised as the anti-Christ. "I'm really excited." said Ritchie. "I'm looking forward to meeting someone who weighs less than I do." Then Ritchie swallowed a fist full of Vicodin and washed it down with a bottle of rubbing alcohol. At this point Madden punched Nicole in the stomach and shouted, "In your face, DJ BM!"
Mattel is recalling 1.5 million toys that were covered with lead paint by Chinese factory workers. Trust me, I like seeing people get "Punk'd" as much as the next guy but this is getting ridiculous. What's it going to take before we stop importing dangerously tainted goods from China? Am I the only one who remembers Pearl Harbor? Not the attack, the movie with Ben Affleck. I got a bootleg copy made in a Chinese factory and it came in a rusty metal box crawling with rectal herpes. Not unlike Ben Affleck. In your ass, Jennifer Garner!
It's almost time to go back to school and I know that our audience (which is basically nothing but children and pedophiles) is very concerned about looking their best. Well if you like starfish porn, trouble, or freedom you will be thrilled with our new offerings. But we also have shirts for the discerning lovers of slavery, dicks and cancer! Plus, a cheap shot at Lindsay Lohan. (As opposed to enjoying cheap shots with Lindsay Lohan. Whoops, there goes her top!). Well, what are you waiting for?
All of our new shirts are here:
We have had our child laborers working around the clock getting all of our warehouse stock together for you! And since we pay them slave wages, we're passing the savings on to you by offering these shirts at 20% off. This stock is all first quality shirts and unlike our previous sale, this one includes many of our current designs in addition to what's left of our retired, limited edition designs that you love so much. Oh yeah, and we're blowing out all of our gift wrap for 70% off it's original price. That's just $3 a pack so stock up for the holidays now.
There's a search feature at the top of the page. The best way to search is to choose mens or womens styles, and then skip over to the, "choose size" dropdown. A lot of the best ones are in short supply because once again, the T-Shirt Hell Members found out about this page last week; and those fuckers went to town. They went to town in these new shirts if that wasn't clear. So, sign up as a member when you check out and you'll get a better shot at your favorite next time. If there is a next time. Cue ominous music and booming evil laugh.
Last night, as I do every night, I kneeled beside my bed, folded my hands together and prayed to the heavens above. When I awoke this morning, I was unable to shoot lasers out of my eyes or orgasm every time I see a shoe. So prayer didn't work. As usual. Prayer has been so consistently ineffective that I'm no longer surprised by it, but I'm still disappointed by it.
Religious types (children/idiots/people who profit from religion) have told me I'm missing the point. That prayer is about "drawing inner peace and strength from God." Fuck that. If I'm going to pray, it's going to be for something a little more valuable than what a dimebag of weed can provide. Also, I cannot accept that a guy who created the entire universe in a week just flat-out refuses to provide me with something as simple as an oral-sex/vacuuming midget.
Every time a crappy sports team wins a game or I see a fat guy get hit in the nuts, I see proof that some prayers are answered, I just haven't figured it out for myself. Having said that, through a system of trial-and-error I have learned a lot over the years. I'm no prayer master (as proven by the still-not-dead Carrot Top), but I have become a lot better. And I get the feeling God's going to give me that Twinkie-and-porn tree any day now.
Anyway, below are some helpful tips that will, hopefully, make you a more effective...prayer? Pray-person? Whatever. You know what the fuck I mean. Enjoy.
#1 - Start out, "Dear Lord..." not "Listen up, you fucking cunt."
#2 - Remember to rub the lamp three times in a circular motion.
#3 - Don't ask God to not answer your prayers. Paradoxes make God angry.
#4 - If you feel that God is ignoring your prayer, try preceding it with "I'm a Christian...I'm a Jew...I'm a Muslim...et al." until you get to the one he listens to.
#5 - Always remember to press one to proceed in English.
#6 - If your prayer contradicts the prayer of another, God will listen to the person with the cleaner nipples.
#7 - The accepted prayer position has always been kneeling with folded hands, but I have found you get much better results if you spread your legs and point your taint straight up in the air.
#8 - No Jews. Unless you're praying to stop being Jewish.
#9 - Sacrifices are no longer necessary, but hey, if you wanna kill a family of gypsies to grease the wheels, nobody's gonna stop ya.
#10 - Stop praying for an Abba reunion. I learned to let go of that dream a long time ago.
I hope I've been of some help. Odds are your prayers still won't be answered, but don't give up hope. After all, prayer, as pointless as it may be, is still better than the alternative. You know, actually doing stuff for yourself.
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From: jen18*** @ ***.com
Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Subject: self respect
i git y guys would ware ur shirts. cuz most guys r juvenil ass holes. but i don't git how any self respecting woman could buy 1 of ur shirts. on top of fashoin sense, were also supposed to have some class and dignety. git with the program ladys.
Editor's Note: Wow. What happens with people like you? Does your spell-check commit suicide? I just imagine this tiny guy inside your computer who's in charge of grammar. He gets about three words into your email and he's like, "Fuck this." Then he jumps off the imaginary building in my mind.
Or is there some kind of special computer for people like you that has a "consider-the-feelings-of-morons" chip built in? Like after it detects three consecutive words that have been misspelled it just goes "Correcting her won't do any good. Just let it go. She's never going to be smarter than she is right now." Then it calls you pretty and you giggle.
Anyway, don't believe for a second that those of us with brains are falling for this. I'm referring to people who intentionally misspell easy words to make us think you fucked up the more difficult words on purpose. You can write "git" and "y" all you want, but we all know you can't spell juvenile or dignity. Now go fuck yourself, you ignurent bich.
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From: Margaret G.
Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Last month I received one of one of your gift certificates as a birthday present. It took me about 10 seconds of looking at your website to realize I wasn't going to use it. I have no idea why my friend thought I would enjoy any of your products. I found them tasteless and vile.
I would've just given it back to her and said "no thanks" but I opted instead to just throw it away. I don't like the thought of anyone wearing your nonsense in public and can't wait for the day when you're shut down.
Editor's Note: This reminds me of the time someone made a donation in my name to the United Way. I didn't like the idea of the less fortunate receiving aid in my name, so I demanded that the United Way refunded me the amount that was donated. They refused to comply, so I just started strangling starving children until I felt their debt had been repaid.
By the way, throwing away the gift certificate wasn't necessarily the wisest thing to do if you want our site to be shut down. In your mind (that lump of goat cheese) you were probably making an important, symbolic gesture. But the fact of the matter is that we'd already received money for the gift certificate, only now we don't have to bother with the cost of printing or shipping the shirt. Smooth move. For your next act of defiance, try buying 10 copies of your least favorite book and burning them.
That wasn't very nice of me. After all, it's not your fault your mom drank White-Out and listened to Bon Jovi while you were in the womb. To make it up to you, I'd like to send you some birthday presents to make up for that gift certificate. You should be receiving a box of razorblades, a noose, a gun with a single shot, and a bottle of sleeping pills any day now. Use your imagination. (That means kill yourself.)
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From: ericandnessa*** @ ***.com
Sent: Friday, August 03, 2007
Subject: your shirts
All of your shirts are pathetic, but certain ones are downright blasphemous. Make all the sex jokes you want, but insulting our lord and savior is unforgivable. You may be wondering why I was looking at a site called Tshirt HELL. Trust me, it wasn't my choice. A friend of mine showed me the site on his laptop. I couldve gone the rest of my life without seeing this trash. It's just a shame you won't realize you're wrong until it's too late.
Editor's Note: Got it. Lay off of religion, but sex stuff is okay. So would a shirt about God having gay sex qualify as a sex joke or blasphemy? Forgive me for asking, it's just that this is the first time I've encountered a religious person whose argument was illogical and contradictory.
You say you were checking out our site, but it wasn't your choice. Are you saying God MADE you check out our site? That can't be the case. Surely God wouldn't label something a sin and then make you do it. If that was the case I'd think the system was pretty fucked.
I prefer to think that a bunch of guys in shiny robes and hats get to decide what God said to them, then stand at a pulpit and tell us what's right and wrong. It's such a flawless system. No room for corruption there. And my nephew's asshole can attest to that.
Regardless of all that, I do realize I'm wrong. I made peace with the fact that I'm going to your version of hell long ago. But you'll be saddened to learn that you are going to my version of hell. The one reserved for self-righteous windbags who judge people based on trivialities like jokes instead of their actions. That's the great thing about religion. We're all going to someone else's version of hell. (Note: In the one you're going to, you have to make out with Jesus for all eternity.)
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From: IsellSMOKES*** @ ***.com
Sent: Saturday, August 04, 2007
Subject: NEW SLOGAN FOR YOUR SHIRT!!! NEED A THOUSAND OF THESE TO SELL AT CONCERT!!!!
Hey heres a slogan for your shirts!
WE ARE FUCKING ASSHOLES WHO ARE TOO STUPID TO REALIZE WE JUST LOST A TON OF BUSINESS ON THE SALE OUR T-SHIRTS BECAUSE WE MAKE FUN OF RETARDED PEOPLE ON YOUTUBE. WE HAVE TINY PRICKS AND CANT GET LAID CUZ WE ARE FUCKING IDIOTS WHO CANT THINK. WE ARE BEING REPORTED TO THE BBB AND OUR ACCOUNT IS S00N TO BE SUSPENDED ON YOUTUBE!
Editor's Note: Interesting idea. You're definitely thinking outside of the box, I just don't know how many people would actually buy that. It seems like something that could only be worn by employees of T-Shirt Hell, of which there are only ten. And seven of those are Asian children who would have to work an entire year to save enough money for a shirt.
Anyway, allow me to correct this personification of a wasted life. We do not make fun of retarded people. Retarded people make fun of themselves. Just because we present something as it is and it happens to be funny doesn't mean WE'RE making fun of it.
You're just upset because you would actually have to get smarter to be a retard. It's similar to how a migrant worker would have to quadruple his pay to go from "Filthy-Mexican poor" to just regular poor. You would have to raise your IQ about 50 points to go from "starts-fights-with-ceiling-fans retarded" to "window-licking retarded."
But don't feel too bad, you do serve a purpose. If it weren't for you, people who are genuinely mentally challenged would have no one to look down on. I bet that guy from Life Goes On just read this and thought, 'At least I'm not that guy.' Then he went right back to eating an extension cord.
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Adios Amigos - That Means "Goodbye Friends" In Human
You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. And the same rule applies to hoboes.