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newsfromhell


It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing
Impregnate Me, Elmo!


The Simpsons is the top movie this summer, in spite of the fact it's basically just 3 episodes of the TV show hastily stitched together. I bought my ticket, but I also brought my portable television to the theatre so I could enjoy some old episodes of Bonanza instead. In your face, Matt Groening!

Nicole Ritchie has announced she's been impregnated by her boyfriend Joel Madden from the crappy band Good Charlotte. The child what will no doubt be raised as the anti-Christ. "I'm really excited." said Ritchie. "I'm looking forward to meeting someone who weighs less than I do." Then Ritchie swallowed a fist full of Vicodin and washed it down with a bottle of rubbing alcohol. At this point Madden punched Nicole in the stomach and shouted, "In your face, DJ BM!"

Mattel is recalling 1.5 million toys that were covered with lead paint by Chinese factory workers. Trust me, I like seeing people get "Punk'd" as much as the next guy but this is getting ridiculous. What's it going to take before we stop importing dangerously tainted goods from China? Am I the only one who remembers Pearl Harbor? Not the attack, the movie with Ben Affleck. I got a bootleg copy made in a Chinese factory and it came in a rusty metal box crawling with rectal herpes. Not unlike Ben Affleck. In your ass, Jennifer Garner!

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New Shirts

It's almost time to go back to school and I know that our audience (which is basically nothing but children and pedophiles) is very concerned about looking their best. Well if you like starfish porn, trouble, or freedom you will be thrilled with our new offerings. But we also have shirts for the discerning lovers of slavery, dicks and cancer! Plus, a cheap shot at Lindsay Lohan. (As opposed to enjoying cheap shots with Lindsay Lohan. Whoops, there goes her top!). Well, what are you waiting for?

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_080607_news.htm

long division

SUMMER BLOWOUT SALE

We have had our child laborers working around the clock getting all of our warehouse stock together for you! And since we pay them slave wages, we're passing the savings on to you by offering these shirts at 20% off. This stock is all first quality shirts and unlike our previous sale, this one includes many of our current designs in addition to what's left of our retired, limited edition designs that you love so much. Oh yeah, and we're blowing out all of our gift wrap for 70% off it's original price. That's just $3 a pack so stock up for the holidays now.

There's a search feature at the top of the page. The best way to search is to choose mens or womens styles, and then skip over to the, "choose size" dropdown. A lot of the best ones are in short supply because once again, the T-Shirt Hell Members found out about this page last week; and those fuckers went to town. They went to town in these new shirts if that wasn't clear. So, sign up as a member when you check out and you'll get a better shot at your favorite next time. If there is a next time. Cue ominous music and booming evil laugh.

http://www.tshirthell.com/stock/all

long division


Everybody come along to the Vatican Rodeo!Last night, as I do every night, I kneeled beside my bed, folded my hands together and prayed to the heavens above. When I awoke this morning, I was unable to shoot lasers out of my eyes or orgasm every time I see a shoe. So prayer didn't work. As usual. Prayer has been so consistently ineffective that I'm no longer surprised by it, but I'm still disappointed by it.

Religious types (children/idiots/people who profit from religion) have told me I'm missing the point. That prayer is about "drawing inner peace and strength from God." Fuck that. If I'm going to pray, it's going to be for something a little more valuable than what a dimebag of weed can provide. Also, I cannot accept that a guy who created the entire universe in a week just flat-out refuses to provide me with something as simple as an oral-sex/vacuuming midget.

Dear Jesus, please let me pass the urine test...Every time a crappy sports team wins a game or I see a fat guy get hit in the nuts, I see proof that some prayers are answered, I just haven't figured it out for myself. Having said that, through a system of trial-and-error I have learned a lot over the years. I'm no prayer master (as proven by the still-not-dead Carrot Top), but I have become a lot better. And I get the feeling God's going to give me that Twinkie-and-porn tree any day now.

Anyway, below are some helpful tips that will, hopefully, make you a more effective...prayer? Pray-person? Whatever. You know what the fuck I mean. Enjoy.

#1 - Start out, "Dear Lord..." not "Listen up, you fucking cunt."

#2 - Remember to rub the lamp three times in a circular motion.

#3 - Don't ask God to not answer your prayers. Paradoxes make God angry.

#4 - If you feel that God is ignoring your prayer, try preceding it with "I'm a Christian...I'm a Jew...I'm a Muslim...et al." until you get to the one he listens to.

#5 - Always remember to press one to proceed in English.

#6 - If your prayer contradicts the prayer of another, God will listen to the person with the cleaner nipples.

Nossa Senhora, a Puta de Guadelupe!#7 - The accepted prayer position has always been kneeling with folded hands, but I have found you get much better results if you spread your legs and point your taint straight up in the air.

#8 - No Jews. Unless you're praying to stop being Jewish.

#9 - Sacrifices are no longer necessary, but hey, if you wanna kill a family of gypsies to grease the wheels, nobody's gonna stop ya.

#10 - Stop praying for an Abba reunion. I learned to let go of that dream a long time ago.

I hope I've been of some help. Odds are your prayers still won't be answered, but don't give up hope. After all, prayer, as pointless as it may be, is still better than the alternative. You know, actually doing stuff for yourself.


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