T-Shirt Hell : Newsletter : August 6, 2007

The Simpsons is the top movie this summer, in spite of the fact it's basically just 3 episodes of the TV show hastily stitched together. I bought my ticket, but I also brought my portable television to the theatre so I could enjoy some old episodes of Bonanza instead. In your face, Matt Groening!

Nicole Ritchie has announced she's been impregnated by her boyfriend Joel Madden from the crappy band Good Charlotte. The child what will no doubt be raised as the anti-Christ. "I'm really excited." said Ritchie. "I'm looking forward to meeting someone who weighs less than I do." Then Ritchie swallowed a fist full of Vicodin and washed it down with a bottle of rubbing alcohol. At this point Madden punched Nicole in the stomach and shouted, "In your face, DJ BM!"

Mattel is recalling 1.5 million toys that were covered with lead paint by Chinese factory workers. Trust me, I like seeing people get "Punk'd" as much as the next guy but this is getting ridiculous. What's it going to take before we stop importing dangerously tainted goods from China? Am I the only one who remembers Pearl Harbor? Not the attack, the movie with Ben Affleck. I got a bootleg copy made in a Chinese factory and it came in a rusty metal box crawling with rectal herpes. Not unlike Ben Affleck. In your ass, Jennifer Garner!

It's almost time to go back to school and I know that our audience (which is basically nothing but children and pedophiles) is very concerned about looking their best. Well if you like starfish porn, trouble, or freedom you will be thrilled with our new offerings. But we also have shirts for the discerning lovers of slavery, dicks and cancer! Plus, a cheap shot at Lindsay Lohan. (As opposed to enjoying cheap shots with Lindsay Lohan. Whoops, there goes her top!). Well, what are you waiting for?

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_080607_news.htm

We have had our child laborers working around the clock getting all of our warehouse stock together for you! And since we pay them slave wages, we're passing the savings on to you by offering these shirts at 20% off. This stock is all first quality shirts and unlike our previous sale, this one includes many of our current designs in addition to what's left of our retired, limited edition designs that you love so much. Oh yeah, and we're blowing out all of our gift wrap for 70% off it's original price. That's just $3 a pack so stock up for the holidays now.

There's a search feature at the top of the page. The best way to search is to choose mens or womens styles, and then skip over to the, "choose size" dropdown. A lot of the best ones are in short supply because once again, the T-Shirt Hell Members found out about this page last week; and those fuckers went to town. They went to town in these new shirts if that wasn't clear. So, sign up as a member when you check out and you'll get a better shot at your favorite next time. If there is a next time. Cue ominous music and booming evil laugh.

http://www.tshirthell.com/stock/all

long division

Everybody come along to the Vatican Rodeo! Last night, as I do every night, I kneeled beside my bed, folded my hands together and prayed to the heavens above. When I awoke this morning, I was unable to shoot lasers out of my eyes or orgasm every time I see a shoe. So prayer didn't work. As usual. Prayer has been so consistently ineffective that I'm no longer surprised by it, but I'm still disappointed by it.

Religious types (children/idiots/people who profit from religion) have told me I'm missing the point. That prayer is about "drawing inner peace and strength from God." Fuck that. If I'm going to pray, it's going to be for something a little more valuable than what a dimebag of weed can provide. Also, I cannot accept that a guy who created the entire universe in a week just flat-out refuses to provide me with something as simple as an oral-sex/vacuuming midget.

Dear Jesus, please let me pass the urine test... Every time a crappy sports team wins a game or I see a fat guy get hit in the nuts, I see proof that some prayers are answered, I just haven't figured it out for myself. Having said that, through a system of trial-and-error I have learned a lot over the years. I'm no prayer master (as proven by the still-not-dead Carrot Top), but I have become a lot better. And I get the feeling God's going to give me that Twinkie-and-porn tree any day now.

Anyway, below are some helpful tips that will, hopefully, make you a more effective...prayer? Pray-person? Whatever. You know what the fuck I mean. Enjoy.

#1 - Start out, "Dear Lord..." not "Listen up, you fucking cunt."

#2 - Remember to rub the lamp three times in a circular motion.

#3 - Don't ask God to not answer your prayers. Paradoxes make God angry.

#4 - If you feel that God is ignoring your prayer, try preceding it with "I'm a Christian...I'm a Jew...I'm a Muslim...et al." until you get to the one he listens to.

#5 - Always remember to press one to proceed in English.

#6 - If your prayer contradicts the prayer of another, God will listen to the person with the cleaner nipples.

Nossa Senhora, a Puta de Guadelupe! #7 - The accepted prayer position has always been kneeling with folded hands, but I have found you get much better results if you spread your legs and point your taint straight up in the air.

#8 - No Jews. Unless you're praying to stop being Jewish.

#9 - Sacrifices are no longer necessary, but hey, if you wanna kill a family of gypsies to grease the wheels, nobody's gonna stop ya.

#10 - Stop praying for an Abba reunion. I learned to let go of that dream a long time ago.

I hope I've been of some help. Odds are your prayers still won't be answered, but don't give up hope. After all, prayer, as pointless as it may be, is still better than the alternative. You know, actually doing stuff for yourself.

Comments (20) - View Comments - Add A Comment

chik 08/07/07 6:16 pm

You are fucking hilarious!

cuntryboi 08/07/07 11:24 pm

i KNEW smoking a dimebag of weed was a spiritual experience! fuck those assholes in that 12-step program that said it wasn't. lying fucktards!!

Zach 08/07/07 11:27 pm

Ahmen

cuntryboi 08/07/07 11:59 pm

shit....can someone loan me $10?

Duckyistrippin 08/08/07 12:21 am

AAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMEEEENNNNN!!!!!!!!!!

Andy Partridge 08/08/07 6:55 am

Back off carrot Top!!!! HAHA!
Why doesn't anyone like him?!?!?!?!
Oh yeah, amen....

Shawn 08/08/07 7:18 am

That's just fucking awsome.

rubber duckie 08/08/07 11:46 am

Carrot Top is a dumb fuckin douche bag! His jokes aren't even funny! I'd rather watch an elephant take a dump at the zoo than to watch one of his acts; because quite frankly they're about equally entertaining!

dpdiddy 08/08/07 12:12 pm

Thanks, now i have an image in my mind of carrot top at an abba reunion. i can see him pulling a bottle of water and a toilet out of that god forsaken chest he stole from behind a goodwill to brilliantly construct the word "waterloo." i think a good sight gag for him would be to swallow a shotgun shell and commence to pound his belly with a roofing hammer until he finds the primer.

Awan Afuqya 08/08/07 1:25 pm

So when you gonna start offering Italian tablecloths and prayer rugs to your line? The Mooslims are coming! I already changed my name and I'd like to get my hankyhead thing and rug before the rush starts!

amawitch 08/08/07 2:21 pm

funny funny stuff and shows how many willfully ignorant people still exist

§achilman 08/08/07 7:38 pm

I just chafed my nipples cleaning them so my prayers that I'll win some free shirts this friday will beat someone else's (www.myspace.com/sachil).

theresa 08/09/07 5:59 pm

omfg..you are just about the most fucking hilarious person on the planet!! you say things that other people think but are afraid of saying...thats ballsy as hell and thats why people love to hate you..me and my dimebag dont hate u, we love you!!! ps amen

Cheryl 08/09/07 9:35 pm

I am a customer and I receive your newsletter. I don't always like your stuff, but I applaud your right to make it (and usually get a laugh even if I wouldn't wear it). Also, for the ones that don't like it, well, I guess they don't have to look, now do they? Thank you.

Brian 08/10/07 9:05 am

Holy shit that was fucked up, but hey, that just makes it even funnier. I may be a believer in God, but still, gotta have a sense of humor and that shit made me laugh my ass off. If that dude doesnt have a sense of humor than we are all fucked. But thanks for the laugh.

Lars 08/10/07 9:05 pm

You ought to do stand-up, you remind me of the late Sam Kinison complete with rotting flesh odor and gynormous genital warts. Too fucking funny!

rich jungling 08/12/07 1:05 am

you throw #7 at me I MIGHT GRANT ALL YOUR WISHES TOO...

Scorpion, ToySoldier Extraordinaire 08/12/07 10:59 pm

Fairly awesome. Not quite all I would have hoped for, but what can I expect? It's the internet!

Iman Azol 08/13/07 10:11 pm

Just make sure when Carrotdump fires that shotgun shell he misses Frida Lyngstad of Abba. I still want to fuck the shit out of her, even now she's 60. (She's the redhead.)

Laura Schauger 08/19/07 12:13 am

I initially had the utmost respect for your balls, and the erudite manner in which you showed them, but...ABBA?

-----Original Message-----

From: jen18*** @ ***.com
Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Subject: self respect

i git y guys would ware ur shirts. cuz most guys r juvenil ass holes. but i don't git how any self respecting woman could buy 1 of ur shirts. on top of fashoin sense, were also supposed to have some class and dignety. git with the program ladys.

Jenny S.

GOD DAMMIT CLETUS! PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON, THE SWEEPSTAKES PEOPLE ARE HERE! Editor's Note: Wow. What happens with people like you? Does your spell-check commit suicide? I just imagine this tiny guy inside your computer who's in charge of grammar. He gets about three words into your email and he's like, "Fuck this." Then he jumps off the imaginary building in my mind.

Or is there some kind of special computer for people like you that has a "consider-the-feelings-of-morons" chip built in? Like after it detects three consecutive words that have been misspelled it just goes "Correcting her won't do any good. Just let it go. She's never going to be smarter than she is right now." Then it calls you pretty and you giggle.

Anyway, don't believe for a second that those of us with brains are falling for this. I'm referring to people who intentionally misspell easy words to make us think you fucked up the more difficult words on purpose. You can write "git" and "y" all you want, but we all know you can't spell juvenile or dignity. Now go fuck yourself, you ignurent bich.

Comments (34) - View Comments - Add A Comment

chik 08/07/07 6:24 pm

I am a self respecting women, who also knows how to spell, and I love t-shirt hell. Have you ever noticed it's always the ignorant who want to judge others for there ways. Go back to school, bitch!

God 08/07/07 8:15 pm

I love T-Shirt Hell too, and I do not judge "there" ways. I prefer to judge THEIR ways. And as for a self-respecting woman, please respect mankind and shoot yourself in the ovaries and save us all from the potential of you producing another moron.

justagirl 08/07/07 11:28 pm

please, please, please someone put a dick in her mouth to shut her up. reading that was pure agony. actually though, she ALMOST really qualifies and typifies the "fucking classy" t-shirt sold by t-shirt hell. perhaps you could make one just for her that says "fucking classy ignorant cunt". at least people would be warned before they try and converse with her. i'm just saying....

Like OMG! 08/08/07 5:15 am

Hey lady...this is a computer where any monkey with a middle school education can type relatively correctly and fast that you don't have to use IM shorthand. Seriously. Now go powder your nose. I don't like it when you're slobbing my knob and I can see my reflection in the greasey puddle on your forehead...

Wendy Martone 08/08/07 7:31 am

Xouber 08/08/07 9:22 am

Ahahahhahaha nice answer !

The hell? 08/08/07 10:15 am

Self respecting woman? Hah! I'd be damned if I've ever seen a woman with an opinion. They don't have the time honestly. They're always cooking, cleaning, and possibly fucking at the exact same time (a good way to multi-task ladies.) So the next time you think you "feel" strongly about a subject, just stay quiet. That way you still might appear intelligent, and attract unknowing men to mate with you. I'm always here to help.

canadian_guy 08/08/07 10:29 am

This is why the internet sucks. Before 1989 one might have heard the inarticulate rants of people like this on some local call-in radio show (maybe) but would certainly never see them in print in a magazine or newspaper. Now, thanks to the Internet, the truely un-gifted, lowest-common-denominators, barely clever enough to remember to say "would you like fries with that" and those who have slipped through the US's inadequate and marginalized public education system, can now get their hands on a computer and share their ignorance, stupidity and showcase their complete inability to communicate in their own mother-tongue with the entire planet! Bravo America - no wonder there are people around the globe who think your country's full of morons as well as being led by one. Maybe you should replace Judge Judy with Sterilization and Lobotomy court because some of you are too fucking embarassingly stupid to be allowed to continue to live, let alone reproduce.

James 08/08/07 11:06 am

If most guys are juvenile assholes, then either you've lived under that rock your whole life, or you were just beyond unbearable by men that the late Anna Nicole Smith was deemed much more desirable in place of yourself.

Come out into the sunshine once in awhile, it won't kill you, and neither will communicating with the male variety. And not ALL women have class and dignity, just like how not ALL of us lack it. I think you're still stuck under that rock. It's alright though, Jesus forgives, along with any other god that benefits people in their religion. Think about it.

rubber duckie 08/08/07 12:02 pm

I love t-shirt hell! I am a self-respecting woman and I am actually wearing the WWJD (for a klondike bar) t-shirt as I type! I don't think it takes self-respect to have a preference or an opinion, but I do think it takes some level of intelligence! It takes a real idiot to try to tell other people what they should and should not think about something! Thanks, but I can make my mind up for myself! P.S. Please go take yourself to the nearest back alley (make sure you bring a rusty hanger) and get yourself a historectomy... before you get pregnant! We need no more ignorant cunts in this world!

foofoolamarr 08/08/07 1:27 pm

Why don't you start printing their real email addresses? I remember way back when people used to send mail bombs....

Killian G 08/08/07 5:30 pm

Actually, "git" is spelled correctly. It's not used correctly, like "This chick is a total git". If you want to niggle about it, "y" is also spelled correctly, but I don't speak Spanish, so I can't use it in a sentence for you.

Spell Checker 08/09/07 2:08 am

"...judge others for there ways. Go back to school, bitch!" Shouldn't that be "Their"? LMAO!!!!! Who needs to go back to skool now.. uh i mean scool.. damn it S-C-H-O-O-L.. Their! I mean.. aww fuck it!

telemonster 08/09/07 3:45 pm

TRULY

Louie 08/09/07 4:36 pm

and thet goes for your fuckin' cat too!

JC 08/09/07 6:50 pm

The world needs ditch diggers too. Bless your moronic little heart

Renee 08/09/07 10:09 pm

How the fuck did she manage to spell "self respecting" (though granted she forgot the hyphen)?

As for class and 'dignety' [sic], surely she must realise the irony of typing out an email in the most moronic fashion possible, then sending it off to a company who clearly don't mind showing her for the brain-damaged waste of oxygen she is. Jen, I hope you're reading this. Wiping your chin after blowing your brother does not equal either class or dignity.

Lynn 08/09/07 10:40 pm

For the record I am a self respecting woman who has no trouble with having a good laugh or buying a funny t-shirt.
I may not like every shirt that T-Shirt Hell comes out with for myself, but you know what that's the damn point! There is something for everyone and if you dont like it DONT BUY IT!! Sending a letter like the one above to complain about the damn things just brings new meaning to the term 'Shallow end of the gene pool.'

edumacated gurl 08/10/07 1:43 am

i agree with chik...only...well,.."there" in the context that chik used it was improper, chik should have written "their"..but thats ok...you spelled everything else right....just sayin'...

RelativelyObscure 08/10/07 5:44 pm

I hope English isn't "canadian_guy's" mother tongue, either, because he demonstrated his own extensive failure both in the language and at life. That said, it wasn't even close to being as painful to read as the above letter.

Ben 08/10/07 8:51 pm

hahaha, i love the way it as replied.. and the incorrect spelling of ignorant bitch.. haha ignurent bich.. fucking classic

OGRE 08/10/07 10:45 pm

Has anyone ever noticed that the lesser the education....the more the bitching?
Hence.....The growth of the Religeous Right

Damiana 08/11/07 2:05 am

So chik is a self-respecting "women"? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......ain't MPD wonderful!

Mike 08/11/07 2:28 pm

I'm still laughing about this one. Where do you guys come up with this shit?

Li'l baby jesus 08/12/07 2:42 am

rotfl this whole (hole?) amount of reply is hilarious. But seriously Mr editor, you wrote this one just to get us going didn't you? Does anyone really send in a letter like that, knowing this sets off most of us to answer in more literate ways? I mean, I knew inbreed brings permanent brain damage but i didn't realise it was that serious....
Oh and btw english is not my original language so go easy on my grammatical errors

coxy 08/12/07 11:49 am

I'm no one to be normally pernickity but i would like to say the comments on that poor illiterate lady are somewhat unfair.I declare that she spelled a total of 26 words correct!
which isn't bad for a fucking low life retard!

mags22 08/12/07 6:23 pm

For those of you whose parents were not blood relatives before their wedding, a translation of what jenny-sue-ellen-mae-bob was trying, albeit with only a kindergarten education, to express:
I understand why men might wear your shirts, as in my opinion, most men are less than fully developed maturity-wise; however I am at a loss as to understand why any self-respecting woman would purchase one of your products. In addition to a tendency toward fashion sense, women are meant to be inherently urbane and dignified.

In closing, I should like to say, as a moderately educated, self-respecting, urbane, modern woman – I find the T-Shirts here hysterical. I love them! I only lament the fact that none of my friends currently have young babies! The baby shirts are my favorites!
People need to get over themselves and come to terms with a little concept called “humor”. The products here are irreverent and satirical – and incredibly goddamned funny. KUDOS to the staff and all the brave little child laborers, sold into indentured slavery, who work their little nimble fingers to bloody stubs 23 hrs a day while chained to their work stations in order to bring a smile to my face with satirical T-shirts! I thank you.
BTW anyone interested in getting a petition started pleading for the forced sterilization of the ignorant? I’ll gleefully draft it!

Yersi 08/13/07 9:43 am

I think this one is fake and that is was written to see if it could get into hate mail.

AJ 08/13/07 6:26 pm

Oh boy, nope, this is probably for real - I have "conversed" with people like this before. They actually think it is cool to type like this.Gives them some sort of "urban" vibe; or at least they think so. It strikes me as somewhat "wigger", if you know what I mean..... however, hilarious, and well worth a read

Iman Azol 08/13/07 10:20 pm

Canadian Guy's grammatically fucked up abortion is almost as funny as the dumb cunt's. I think we should invade Canada next and feed self-righteous, pretentious assholes like him into log chippers.

And it's hard for a cunt to have dignety while I'm fucking her ass as she does the dishes.

amelia bedelia 08/13/07 11:55 pm

Hey canadian guy, how do you know she's even american? maybe she's from canada.

Laura Schauger 08/19/07 12:25 am

As a mom of an 'unghetto' biracial child who is as brilliant and creatively evil as you, who has excused much by way of having grown up myself, (yeah, right, as if), i must take it on faith that such an intelligent 'sister' would make such a faux pas as to spell out 'ignurent'. I know this was intentional, right? Please don't let my hope for the literate fraction of us that remains be diminished. I have so much respect for you, and your flagrant disrespect for the ...'uppety' fucks. Spell check be damned, ...read, goddammit!

Jessica 12/18/07 1:36 pm

Wow.... I swear to Fuck! I'd love to kill you.

Egon 06/11/09 8:00 am

I just want to punch her in her face.... Hard

-----Original Message-----

From: Margaret G.
Sent: Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Last month I received one of one of your gift certificates as a birthday present. It took me about 10 seconds of looking at your website to realize I wasn't going to use it. I have no idea why my friend thought I would enjoy any of your products. I found them tasteless and vile.

I would've just given it back to her and said "no thanks" but I opted instead to just throw it away. I don't like the thought of anyone wearing your nonsense in public and can't wait for the day when you're shut down.

Editor's Note: This reminds me of the time someone made a donation in my name to the United Way. I didn't like the idea of the less fortunate receiving aid in my name, so I demanded that the United Way refunded me the amount that was donated. They refused to comply, so I just started strangling starving children until I felt their debt had been repaid.

You snap your fingers, you snap their necks. By the way, throwing away the gift certificate wasn't necessarily the wisest thing to do if you want our site to be shut down. In your mind (that lump of goat cheese) you were probably making an important, symbolic gesture. But the fact of the matter is that we'd already received money for the gift certificate, only now we don't have to bother with the cost of printing or shipping the shirt. Smooth move. For your next act of defiance, try buying 10 copies of your least favorite book and burning them.

That wasn't very nice of me. After all, it's not your fault your mom drank White-Out and listened to Bon Jovi while you were in the womb. To make it up to you, I'd like to send you some birthday presents to make up for that gift certificate. You should be receiving a box of razorblades, a noose, a gun with a single shot, and a bottle of sleeping pills any day now. Use your imagination. (That means kill yourself.)

Comments (27) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Justin 08/07/07 7:10 pm

In all honesty, this just made my life. I fuckin' love this site.

Kosta 08/07/07 7:28 pm

HAHAHAH....This site god damn rules!

notfondofreading 08/07/07 11:34 pm

"buy 10 copies of your least favorite book and burn them" fucking brilliant. i wonder if she would indulge us with her address. i would love to sift through her garbage to find the aforementioned discarded gift certificate. i would the purchse a shirt for her, watch her throw it away and then claim it for myself....wait, that makes no fucking sense....nevermind.

Captain Obvious 08/08/07 5:23 am

Ok queef stain. Why did you throw away that gift certificate? You could have instead given it to some random stranger on the street, or even put it up for sale on one of those popular auction sites to get some cash out of it...but why throw it away?!?! Did your mom smoke crack before you were born? T-Shirt hell is the best fucking site ever! And losers like you will NEVER make it close. Muahahahaha!!!!

Wendy M 08/08/07 7:37 am

I am a chick, and I buy these shirts all the time - for myself, and as gifts for others I care for (not you). I understand your smelly cunt has prevented you from receiving gifts since you were 3, but maybe if you washed that nasty gash once in a while the haze would lift and you could more clearly see what a waste of time your life has been. (I am convinced you are the same stupid ranking cunt who calls herself Jenny S., so I copied and pasted the same reply - if you are not the same cum-swilling whore, I apologize for the lack of originality. Send me an email and I will customize another eye-opening fact checklist just for you, tea-bagger.) Have a day!

Shawn M 08/08/07 10:51 am

Why bring Bon Jovi into this?

GoofyBastrd 08/08/07 11:05 am

ou should be receiving a box of razorblades, a noose, a gun with a single shot, and a bottle of sleeping pills any day now.

SOUNDS LIKE THE NORMAL CARE PACKAGE MY MOM SENDS ME.

rubber duckie 08/08/07 12:16 pm

Yeah... real intelligent, Dipshit! You threw away 10 dollars, you could have at least sold the gift card and went to your local Wal-Mart. You could have bought something that fits your taste a little more! Like 20 rolls of duct tape and a Wal-Mart whore!

malissa 08/08/07 4:24 pm

how ever you are that replies the emails, you, are a genius! i love it! i have not laughed that hard in a very long time! ( i have a kid hence my being pissed off most of the time) keep the insanity coming!

malisa 08/08/07 4:27 pm

wendy M. you kick ass!!

Kerfuffle 08/08/07 5:18 pm

Malisa (Malissa) "how every you are" … you blow ass. At least learn how to spell your own god damn name before you apply your shit scented finger tips to a keyboard.

Noel 08/09/07 1:09 am

I love your t-shirts! You guys are so awsome! Sick..... but awsome!

Ben 08/09/07 4:22 am

hehehe im probably the only one wondering if any of the people abusing the emailer are the person who gave her the gift in the first place, but im sure itll eventually click with them too.

Spazmonkey 08/09/07 6:48 am

"I have no idea why my friend thought I would enjoy any of your products"
She probably knew you wouldn't, maybe it's her subtle way of saying "Fuck You." Hell, I don't blame her, fuck having an uptight friend with an obvious lack of humour, like you.

Leanne 08/09/07 11:00 am

i like how she doesn't want to tell her friend that she doesn't like the present, and thinks that by not telling them she's making a better stand against the awful website - stupid woman!! i hope her friend (maybe it's her carer?! I don't know why else they'd hang around with her) keeps buying her the gift vouchers, seeing as they've probably assumed she loved it!!

J Dolla 08/09/07 4:24 pm

offtopic but someone talked about blowing ass before. now im interested. please send me detailed instructions. it would really make my day

DanatVOW 08/11/07 10:29 am

Maggie, you said " I have no idea why my friend thought I would enjoy any of your products. I found them tasteless and vile." But you never said anything about the products being offensive or making you want to slit your wrists (razor blades are on the way) or making you want to throw up. So what's your point?
rubber duckie, what aisle are the Wal-Mart whores on? Does hte duct tape come in different colors?

biggerthanyours 08/11/07 7:28 pm

T shirt hell is evil and must be destroyed! Buy all their gift certificates and destroy them. Then the evil bastards will self destruct in a binge of uncontrollable debauchery involving piles of cocaine and unnatural acts with retarded midget nuns.

Mr Friendly 08/12/07 10:49 pm

"...try buying 10 copies of your least favorite book and burning them."

that is Gold my friends... GOLD

AHAHAHAH!

cheers

John 08/13/07 4:36 pm

AAAAHHH! THAT LAST TWO SENTENCES SHOULD BE MADE INTO A SHIRT.

Iman Azol 08/13/07 10:25 pm

Captain Obvious: Admit it. When I duct tape her mouth shut, you'd still fuck her in the ass. But wear two condoms for safety.

steve 08/14/07 3:16 pm

Dear Margaret G.:
You are the role model, the poster child, the absolute gold-fucking standard for ignorant fucking cunts everywhere. Congratulations and keep doing the lord's work.

Elimest 08/14/07 10:15 pm

John is right. Who wouldn't wear that shirt?

Hogbody 08/16/07 2:47 pm

I would have happily traded your gift certificate for a douche kit so you could clean up that gobby piece of bubble gum between your legs, get hooked up and move the fuck out of that single-wide.

Laura Schauger 08/19/07 12:37 am

Oh Satania, as I will hereafter have no choice but to think your name is, you are my hero. Yes, please continue to urge the stupid to suicidal acts. We need their air, water, food, and the motherfuckers are constantly in my way on the road. Canadian roadblocks make me quite aware that nature mutates viruses and bacteria for a very good reason. DIE you ignorant judgemental useless pieces of meconium (removal resistant newborn shit).

Barnaby 08/19/07 2:38 pm

You should at least tell your friend that you threw away her thoughtful gift. This way, she would know to throw you away too.

Colin 09/01/07 5:08 am

Another superbly biting, well-crafted response, Madame Editor. However, I think that it might have been more satisfying to serve seven-course meals locked inside vented containers of bullet-proof glass to the starving kids. Strangling seems to take too much work, and puts them OUT of their misery; what fun is a suffering child if you can only watch them suffer briefly? I mean, think how awesome it is to observe a malnourished kid become dehydrated as well, while they sob their bodies' precious water out of swollen tear glands as they sit in front of a gourmet meal that they can smell but can't touch? Makes me feel all warm & fuzzy just thinking about it.

-----Original Message-----

From: ericandnessa*** @ ***.com
Sent: Friday, August 03, 2007
Subject: your shirts

All of your shirts are pathetic, but certain ones are downright blasphemous. Make all the sex jokes you want, but insulting our lord and savior is unforgivable. You may be wondering why I was looking at a site called Tshirt HELL. Trust me, it wasn't my choice. A friend of mine showed me the site on his laptop. I couldve gone the rest of my life without seeing this trash. It's just a shame you won't realize you're wrong until it's too late.

Eric S.

Hail Mary, full of (and covered with) grace... Editor's Note: Got it. Lay off of religion, but sex stuff is okay. So would a shirt about God having gay sex qualify as a sex joke or blasphemy? Forgive me for asking, it's just that this is the first time I've encountered a religious person whose argument was illogical and contradictory.

You say you were checking out our site, but it wasn't your choice. Are you saying God MADE you check out our site? That can't be the case. Surely God wouldn't label something a sin and then make you do it. If that was the case I'd think the system was pretty fucked.

I prefer to think that a bunch of guys in shiny robes and hats get to decide what God said to them, then stand at a pulpit and tell us what's right and wrong. It's such a flawless system. No room for corruption there. And my nephew's asshole can attest to that.

Regardless of all that, I do realize I'm wrong. I made peace with the fact that I'm going to your version of hell long ago. But you'll be saddened to learn that you are going to my version of hell. The one reserved for self-righteous windbags who judge people based on trivialities like jokes instead of their actions. That's the great thing about religion. We're all going to someone else's version of hell. (Note: In the one you're going to, you have to make out with Jesus for all eternity.)

Comments (24) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Your Lord and Savior 08/07/07 9:56 pm

I fucking love T-shirt Hell! I don't know what this fuck-up is talking about. I must have been drinking and having gay sex when I created him

officer asshat 08/07/07 11:40 pm

i think "being fucked in the ass by jesus for all eternity" would have had much more impact than "making out with jesus for all eternity". maybe it was late, perhaps you were crashing off the red bull & cocaine....it just seemed like you missed a great opportunity to really offend...almost like you took it kinda easy on the guy. i'm just saying.....

God's vagina 08/08/07 12:09 am

"snort cocaine off of your pope's hairy asscrack for all eternity"

Johnny 08/08/07 12:18 am

Bang bang. Bye bye.

Dick Gozinia 08/08/07 2:23 am

Read Eric's letter again. Eric was FORCED to look at the site because his boyfriend had his dick up Eric's ass when Eric was sitting on top of his lap. "Take my meat, Eric, while I force you to look at the t-shirt hell website! How ya like that, bitch?! Go ahead and complain to them - you seem to like the abuse! Fag!"

swanni09 08/08/07 7:00 am

if your precious god cared about it he'd have rammed a lightning bolt up tshirt hell's ass a long time ago, so he obviously doesn't give two shits.

Wendy M 08/08/07 7:43 am

Hey, Spoo-Chin! If God didn't have a sense of humor you wouldn't even be here. And by the way, Clamshine, He told me He's pissed at you because the fish never smelled like that before YOU swam in the ocean! Good going, gob-swallower!

jerry 08/08/07 11:15 am

Was your friend trying to show you his gay kiddie porn collection and hit the wrong button by mistake. Screaming "Oh God" while getting pile driven in the ass by a huge piece of black man meat does not make you a christian dumbass. You worship a false idol that screwed some jewish chick and then left someone else to raise and support the baby (Jesus). A good father would have paid child support and in the end turned the nails into nerf nails. That would have been funny watching the Romans trying to hammer them into his hands.

foofoolamarr 08/08/07 1:32 pm

>Trust me, it wasn't my choice. A friend of mine >showed me the site on his laptop.

But you had to go back to the site to send your email, nu? You're a hypocrite. Just like most sheeple who say they're religious.

Kosta 08/08/07 2:10 pm

HAHAHAH...i can't breathe!

Killian G 08/08/07 5:33 pm

I wanna shiny robe and hat.

The Man 08/08/07 7:45 pm

i couldn't even read this because of this picture. someone should inform us of who this nun is! it is God's will for us to know! i prayed.

Pete 08/08/07 10:18 pm

I have a shirt from a band,that says "jesus is a cunt"I wore it out on halloween to a castume party and the devil of all wanted to start shit with me.I say if you got things to say put it on a shirt just be ready to kick redneck ass.

Spazmonkey 08/09/07 6:52 am

but insulting our lord and savior is unforgivable
Our? You mean "Your," Don't speak for others cunt, Not everyone is religious or takes it so seriously. Some of us actually have what's called a "Sense of Humour."

wildblue 08/10/07 3:25 pm

"...this is the first time I've encountered a religious person whose argument was illogical and contradictory."

Now I know you're a liar.

C.P. 08/11/07 1:26 am

In high school, we had a saying- put it all over the place- "Eat a queer foetus for Jesus, and kill a gay Jewish black dude for _____ (insert fundy telepreacher of your choice here)."

I love your site, and one day hope to buy something. I hate being po.

jonboy 08/11/07 10:03 am

youre a christian, then. so forgive them for their 'blasphemy'. Without 'evil' you self righteous religous types could not exist, it all being relative, so say 'thankyou' to these guys, because, surely, they are proving your (antiquated) theories right, which should make uou happy, not venomous like the snake that tempted adam. now 'uk off.

lostrelic 08/13/07 1:20 pm

come on now if jesus was here he would be wearing one of your t-shirts drinking wine and telling his subjects to shut the fuck up those whiny bitches

Iman Azol 08/13/07 11:01 pm

Nuke the unborn gay baby Muslim whales for Jesus.

Then fuck him in the ass like a prison bitch.

Bluseph 08/14/07 4:44 pm

Does anyone know where the pic of that hawt nun came from? It's part of a fetish of mine, I just wanna c the rest. oh yea, and this bitch is a moronic excuse of cunt drippings. That is all

Hogbody 08/16/07 2:58 pm

Yo Eric,
So what do you think was going in your lord and savior's head when he was stuck on that goddam cross? "Uh, dad, I know you haven't been around for a while since you lit that bush on fire, BUT COULD YOU GET ME OFF THIS FUCKING CROSS?"

You wouldn't have to watch the laptop if you would just turn for a reach-around.

Laura Schauger 08/19/07 2:38 am

Why would you question the comfort with sexual entendre of a religious person? I mean, what does a Catholic priest and acne have in common? They both come on a boy's face before he's thirteen. And what meat does a Catholic priest eat on Friday?.. Nun. Hypocrisy is in the bible, isn't it? The born again Christian who peeped on me seemed to think so. Do you honestly think that the first crucifix to be inserted into an orifice was in the Exorcist? I mean, really, what do you think they did when the corn cobs rotted in the middle of winter, or when they just got too nasty to reuse. And...hell? Yeah right, we're just that important in the universe that someone monitors our actions and will make us pay for eternity. What would one not become inured to if subjected to it for eternity...oh...hurt me.... Conversely, what could heaven be that would not bore the fuck out of us after a portion of eternity. Bullshit, we die, and fertilize the soil. The only bitch is that horrible bastards actually don't do the karma time....Nice thought but, who the fuck do we really think we are? Just look at the sky on a clear night in the forest, and tell me we're special. If, however, there is actually a hell, well, can't wait to meet ya. I will likely be taking Satan's cock in my ass while your tongue is in his. ...Do they have soap in hell???

Guy Slater 08/20/07 11:34 pm

Will all you candy asses shut the Fuck up and let this poor child sell her shirts? And for those of you who want to claim that "Jesus" and "God" are condemming t_Shirt Hell to Hell, get a life and pull up a seat for the fight. Because my "god" is gonna kick your "god's" ass!

Freak 08/27/07 12:04 am

Honestly, to me religion is like a group of sheep like morons, coming together, and bitch about everything in life and say that god(I never capitalize the fake shit's name) is the only way. (Was that sentence to long?) Well I better shut up now. See ya' later T-Shirt Hell! Hopefully we'll go to the same hell in the end! (If we do, I'm buying you a fucking keg or beer.)

-----Original Message-----

From: IsellSMOKES*** @ ***.com
Sent: Saturday, August 04, 2007
Subject: NEW SLOGAN FOR YOUR SHIRT!!! NEED A THOUSAND OF THESE TO SELL AT CONCERT!!!!

Hey heres a slogan for your shirts!

WE ARE FUCKING ASSHOLES WHO ARE TOO STUPID TO REALIZE WE JUST LOST A TON OF BUSINESS ON THE SALE OUR T-SHIRTS BECAUSE WE MAKE FUN OF RETARDED PEOPLE ON YOUTUBE. WE HAVE TINY PRICKS AND CANT GET LAID CUZ WE ARE FUCKING IDIOTS WHO CANT THINK. WE ARE BEING REPORTED TO THE BBB AND OUR ACCOUNT IS S00N TO BE SUSPENDED ON YOUTUBE!

Editor's Note: Interesting idea. You're definitely thinking outside of the box, I just don't know how many people would actually buy that. It seems like something that could only be worn by employees of T-Shirt Hell, of which there are only ten. And seven of those are Asian children who would have to work an entire year to save enough money for a shirt.

FILTHY MEXICANS! Anyway, allow me to correct this personification of a wasted life. We do not make fun of retarded people. Retarded people make fun of themselves. Just because we present something as it is and it happens to be funny doesn't mean WE'RE making fun of it.

You're just upset because you would actually have to get smarter to be a retard. It's similar to how a migrant worker would have to quadruple his pay to go from "Filthy-Mexican poor" to just regular poor. You would have to raise your IQ about 50 points to go from "starts-fights-with-ceiling-fans retarded" to "window-licking retarded."

But don't feel too bad, you do serve a purpose. If it weren't for you, people who are genuinely mentally challenged would have no one to look down on. I bet that guy from Life Goes On just read this and thought, 'At least I'm not that guy.' Then he went right back to eating an extension cord.

Comments (19) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Po Boy 08/07/07 8:31 pm

Nice to see our planet is being taken over thin-skinned whine asses who have no sense of humor. Ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, by voicing an opinion or teasing someone else it may help to prevent an enivitable violent outburst later in life? It's called "venting". If something isn't vented, eventually it will blow up. So please go home to your padded rock and kill yourself, you sorry-ass hippified fuck.

mmmpaintchips 08/07/07 10:22 pm

Windows taste purple!

J Dolla 08/07/07 10:53 pm

Hey get off the window licking retarded. If it weren't for them I'd have to clean my own windows.

chuckles 08/07/07 11:51 pm

ewwww....being reported to the BBB.....yikes! now we're really in for it! since when does the BBB strike fear in any business? what kind of violence does he threaten his kids with to get them to behave? promise to tickle their ass with a feather? how does he punish a cheating wife? the silent treatment? jeez, what a total pussy.

Dick Gozinia 08/08/07 2:33 am

This from a person whose email is IsellSMOKES. If I may quote the immortal words of Corky from Life Goes On: "I don't do dwugs. I too smawt fo' dem!"

Look Fucktard 08/08/07 5:29 am

If you'd just stop and think for a minute. Not everyone in this great big stinkhole of a universe is as politically correct as you. So from the other 99% of the world that isn't you...sooooooorrrryyyy!

Cum on...get on your knees and pray to the almighty god(s) of your choice and say this ", please take me off this planet where people get a kick out of making fun of retards, midgets and retarded midgets because I don't like it!" Better yet...get a gun and blow your fucking head off because the latter will make be happier faster!

SisterFister 08/08/07 10:24 am

This fucking loser is about to piss-off my small army of retarded, window licking midgets! He's messing with my flow now!

GoofyBastrd 08/08/07 11:16 am

THE ORANGE EXTENSION CHORDS TASTE MUCH BETTER THAN THE WHITE OR YELLOW ONES. I AM PRETTY SURE THOSE WERE TERRI SCHIAVO'S LAST WORDS

rubber duckie 08/08/07 12:31 pm

Okay... I have to agree... it's not nice to make fun of retards! AT LEAST TO THEIR FACES!

Ailise 08/08/07 11:10 pm

So who really cares if you're reported to the BBB? All that's going to happen, if anything, is that a record will be made of a complaint...

And so what?

alex 08/09/07 12:11 am

is that Geraldo Rivera taking a shit?

foofoolamarr 08/09/07 4:00 pm

Alex wrote:

>alex 08/09/07 12:11 am
>is that Geraldo Rivera taking a shit?

Jeez, I thought the same thing. Odd, that....

Invisobel 08/09/07 5:29 pm

TShirt Hell has a Youtube account....! Awesome , Thanks for the heads up!!!

BHW 08/10/07 6:20 am

Surely, if you were that offended on behalf of retards, wouldn't you call them intellectually disabled?

savior666 08/10/07 1:01 pm

To GoofyBastrd: Have you tried those green, outdoor extension cords? They are ever so delicious.

jmlullo 08/11/07 5:56 pm

come on, that slogan is to long

biggerthanyours 08/11/07 7:34 pm

It's just like my gramps used to say. "Political correctness is for retards, gimps and little dirty midgets. Oh i just can't stand their creepy little hands. Goddammit boy! Turn that fucking tape recorder off before I whup you agin" Gawd I'm glad grandma shot that fucker. Sheesh...

Larry Smith The Fiz'ith 08/13/07 10:30 am

Jesus is the name of the guy who mows my lawn

Onyxx 08/20/07 12:11 am

OOOOOHHHHHHH!!! I did not know Tshirt Hell had a Youtube!!! I am going to check it out right now and buy two shirts for every video I think is politically incorrect!

Adios Amigos - That Means "Goodbye Friends" In Human

You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. And the same rule applies to hoboes.

Peace