BUY SHIRTS
 


08/10/04

Once again the Americans are sticking their noses where they don't belong.
This time they've really done it. Bombing civilians is one thing, but
separating Filipino Siamese twins joined at the brain? Have we learned
nothing from watching X-Men? These mutants just want to be LEFT ALONE. His
giant mutant brain probably would have allowed him to move objects without
touching them, set fires, or read minds! But now we will never know.
Of course, he might have been bent on world domination. Worse case scenario
he's deprived of a good living on the freak show circuit, chained to a bed
of dirty straw. Oh well, that's showbiz.

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NEW SHIRTS ARE HERE AND THERE
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Rick James is dead and now so is Fay Wray (star of the original King Kong).
Hopefully, they're both basking in the warm pits of Hell, where she's
flashing him her 93 year old titties. He was, after all, a Superfreak.

We've also added the first Worse Than Hell shirt in a while. Hopefully it's
a step in the wrong direction; right where we belong.

All of you super freaks can check out our new shirts here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt334.htm

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it
into your browser.

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YOU CAN'T BEAT IT
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People often say to me, "You seem to hate everybody, and everything. Isn't
there anything you love?" Of course: I love to masturbate! There are few
joys in life as simple and as perfect as rubbing one out. Even though I am
now super rich, and I regularly bang actresses, models and pop stars who
have names that rhyme with hoho, I occasionally give in to the immediate
gratification of jerking off.

There are no pleas for cuddling, there's no requests for child support, or
awkward questions like; "do you love me?", "how am I going to get this out
of my hair?" or "But you're the one who put it in my ass! Maybe you can
lure it out with a piece of chicken?"

Also, sometimes when you're fucking a supermodel, you can split those skinny
bitches in half when you ease it all the way in, or blow the tops of their
heads off if you cum too vigorously. Supermodels are really only made to be
walking clothes hangers, they're not really designed for rough sex. Then
you have bodies to dispose of. Fortunately, supermodels make excellent
kindling, although they can be a bit dry.

But back to the subject at hand (no pun intended). I know you all think
that you're excellent masturbators and are eager to type on your sticky
keyboards and tell me about the latest porn site you found or fetish video-
girls tied to rocks while eagles shit on them as they're fucked by porpoise,
volume VII- that you just downloaded. I say boring! Amateur crap! What
about your roommate? Or let's pretend that you have a significant other who
shares your home. Sadly, most of you probably still live with your mom,
right?

Let me clue you in. They are on to you. They check your history folder,
they look at your cookies, and they've held a black light over your laptop.
And the fact that you delete your history folder every night does not
convince them you're simply trying to conserve disk space, considering your
hard drive also contains mpegs of every episode of Knight Rider.

When you're planning on having sex without a partner, you need to think
outside the box (no pun intended). The best place to masturbate, besides
standing outside of the Today Show, is the kitchen. Yes, the kitchen with
its endless supply of lubricants, and easy to clean surfaces. The kitchen;
where you can beat your meat and make a sandwich. Best of all no one ever
suspects.

How many times has this happened to you?

"Where are you going, honey?"
"Oh, I just have to use the bathroom. Go back to sleep. I'll be out in 10
minutes, 5 if I stay focused."
"Leave the door open, and don't flush. I want to see this masterpiece."
"Dang!"

But here's your new scenario:

"Where are you going, honey?"
"Kitchen"
"OK. Just don't eat the roast beef. It's full of maggots. Goodnight."
"Woohoo!"

So here are some final tips.

Greasing up: It's the mother lode- from cooking spray to chunky peanut
butter, Tabasco to tabouille. Extra virgin olive oil is terrific. But if
you have a fast hand, it may start to smoke. So, you may want something
that can withstand the higher temperature, like peanut oil or Crisco. Do
not be tempted to use Drano. I know it says it will clean your pipes but
this is not a euphemism.

Inspiration: Mrs. Butterworth, Betty Crocker, and Mama Celeste are all
hotties. If you like men there's the guy on the Brawny paper towels, the
Jolly Green Giant and Mr. Clean. If you're a freak there's Tony the Tiger,
the Keebler elves, and the dancing hand from Hamburger Helper.

Bonus items: Cucumbers, carrots, and wine bottles oh my! Rinse them when
you're done or use them for coleslaw with your own special tang.

Clean up: Again, it's a snap. Personally I like to do it right into the
dishwasher, but you're welcome to take advantage of the sink, the trashcan,
and the oven mitts.

While this advice holds true for both men and women, the ladies get one
additional tip. You don't need to hide when you masturbate. No one will
judge you, everyone wants to watch. You can actually make a fairly good
living at it.

So enjoy yourself, and until next time,
this is the Editor saying, "Bon Appetit!"

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HATE- IS ALL AROUND US- MAIL
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----- Original Message -----
From: J. M***
Sent: Tuesday, August 03, 2004 6:59 AM
Subject: Attention President of T-Shirt Hell, Inc.

My son was suspended from school for 3 days for wearing one of your
t-shirts. Apparently the administration did not see the humor in a shirt
that lists all of the school shootings in the last ten years. I don't think
I need to tell you how inappropriate this shirt is in light of the
seriousness of this issue. You should stop selling this shirt in
particular, and you should not sell any of your products to children. I
expect an immediate response to this matter and if I do not receive one, I
will be discussing this matter at the next meeting of the P.T.A. and I asure
you we will take measures to see that your company is forced to close its
doors forever.

Sincerely,

Jessica M***

(Editor's Note: We'll be forced to close our doors? Even in the summer?
Even if somebody farts? Can they really suspend someone for wearing a
t-shirt? Where is this school, Nazi Germany? Did your son violate their
zero tolerance for funny policy? Your kid would have been better off at
Columbine wearing his bull's-eye t-shirt than having to spend another day
with you.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: Racer_X44@***.com
Sent: Monday, August 02, 2004 8:57 AM
Subject: shirt idea

dude,

can you guys make a shirt that says mickey punch on it? its kind of a
privat joke but I know loads of kids at my school whod buy it.

stevo

(Editor's Note: We get letters like this all of the time. Dude, we will
get right on that for you, Stevo. There is nothing we would rather do than
make a shirt that nobody wants to buy. That's one of the secrets to our
success. What a great fucking idea. In addition to making this shirt, I'm
going to send you a check for $10,000 dollars. Go out to your mailbox and
wait. No, stand more towards the middle of the street. And wear something
dark.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: lara burton
Sent: Thursday, August 05, 2004 7:49 PM
Subject: please read this

I know you probably won't read this but I think that your website is
offensive to women. I don't think any girl would be caught dead in one of
your shirts unless she was toal white trash. Some of your shirts are funny
but most of them are disgusting and offensive to women.

(Editor's Note: So you think our site is offensive to women? We take
pride in the fact that our site is offensive to everyone. And not just
white trash wear our shirts. We have trashy girls from every color of the
rainbow. Girls like your mom, who's fucked so many guys that her ass and
her pussy look like train tunnels. Your mom who thinks cum is one of the
four food groups; with the others being shit, piss, and more cum. I'm sure
you'll grow up to be another dumb whore like her, and a complete drain on
society.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: Redina
Sent: Sunday, August 01, 2004 6:52 AM
Subject:

You guys are a bunch of pussys and your shirts suck. I don't even get them
half the time because their so stupid.

(Editor's Note: Right. I'm sure you don't get them because the shirts are
stupid. It wouldn't have anything to do with all of the paint thinner your
mom drank when she was pregnant with you. Or the number of times she
dropped you on your head as a child and yet you still refused to die.
People like you give me the strength to carry on my work. Knowing that your
tiny shit crumb of a brain aches each time you look at our site makes me
happy in my dirty place, and dirty in my happy place.)

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WAIT, THERE'S A LITTLE LOVE
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----- Original Message -----
From: <bwilson@***.org>
Sent: Friday, July 30, 2004 6:14 AM
Subject: Re: The End of July As We Know It Newsletter

I did rec'v this twice, however, I want to thank you for giving me some
extra "game".
I sent this to a guy I think is hot, he thought it was so funny that he
thinks I rock for forwarding it and wants to hook up tonite.
Here's to me gettin' some thanks to you.

(Editor's Note: What other newsletter can get you laid? It worked for
Becky, and she's an enormous, disgusting pig. Just imagine what our
newsletter can do for you!)

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Peace to everybody, with a special prayer for Lori Hacking. But honestly,
marrying a guy named Mark "Hacking" is just asking for trouble. Now I'll
bet that proposal from Steve Severebeating doesn't seem that bad does it?