FUNNILINGUS
WHY IS IT THAT ONLY THE UGLY GIRLS READ THIS SHIRT?
I PUT THE "PORN" IN POPCORN
SUPPORT OUR TROOPS - EXCEPT RON, THAT GUY'S A DICK
LAST CALL FOR MY JOHNSON
GLUTTEN FOR PUNISHMENT
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
FUCKING CLASSY
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
WHO NEEDS BIG TITS? WHEN YOU HAVE AN ASS LIKE THIS
WHITE FLOUR!
MY LIFE IS A VERY COMPLICATED DRINKING GAME
I SHOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN
ID RATHER BE SNORTING COCAIN OFF A HOOKERS ASS
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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

How about this heat? Remember to practice safety in these sweltering temperatures. Drink plenty of fluids, shave your pubic hair, and make your Filipino houseboy wave that fan faster. Most importantly, if you're going to leave your baby in the car, for the love of God, remember to put it in a bucket of ice water.

Isaac Hayes passed away this weekend. Now the most famous black Scientologist is...umm...Eartha Kitt? Tom Cruise's driver? Fuck if I know. In other celebrity news, Bernie Mac finally did something funny.

It is almost time for all of you kids to go back to school. So...millions and millions of kids riding the bus everyday + kids mimicking what they see in the media + Canadian bus beheading guy = Most entertaining school year ever.

In football news, Brett Favre is a huge fucking douche. As impressive as his football records are, his record for "Biggest Douche" is just astounding. That one is going to stand for a long time. I only see that one being broken if science finds some way to make a baby out of Ryan Seacrest and a giant Bluetooth.

"Actor" Shia LeBeouf was recently arrested for DUI after being involved in a car crash. There is no footage of the crash, which is too bad. He might have actually been involved in something that was entertaining.

In political news, a military jury recently found a former driver for Osama bin Laden guilty of supporting terrorism. Man, I hope those guys don't get wise to me. I support terrorism every single night. (cough cough) Oh man, I'm so stoned I don't even care that that reference is six years old.


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Wondering why your favorite NBC programming has been preempted by some 14-year-old girl twirling a ribbon? You can rest assured that God hasn't killed you and sent you to Hell for what you did to that fat kid in junior high. No, it is that time of (every fourth) year when the world's best and brightest athletes put to use years and years of training in an effort to win a shiny medal whose monetary value is roughly one month's pay at Taco Bell.

I know what you're thinking - 'It seems like only yesterday I watched the '04 Olympics for seven minutes before flipping over to MythBusters.' That's because time flies when you're not watching the Olympics. Or you may be confusing it with the Winter Olympics. It takes all the glory and majesty of the regular Olympics and puts it on ice. Basically, it just gives the boredom a different background. Like watching Nickelback perform in Antarctica.

To put into perspective how boring the Olympics are, it provides hundreds of gambling opportunities and the chance to be blindly patriotic, and it still won't beat Antiques Roadshow in the ratings. But maybe you're the exception. If you're the one person in America who enjoys seeing grown men prance around like little girls or little girls with the bodies of grown men doing likewise; we'd like to get you up to speed with a list of this year's events.

2008 Olympic Events

Olympics Watching - Athletes watch footage of the event they just participated in and see how long they can go without changing the channel

The Obscurity Dash - Athletes see who can fade into obscurity fastest (Record held by the 2000 triathlon winner, who, upon winning, was referred to as "that guy with the weird earlobes")

Medal Selling - Via Ebay, medalists see who can sell their medal the fastest, and for the most money

Odd Endorsement Battle - Olympians in the more obscure events see who can obtain the strangest endorsement (Early buzz says that fencer Robert Tosh's endorsement deal with Uncle Jimmy's Foil Polish is the clear winner)

Most Obvious Steroid Use - Olympians are encouraged to conceal steroid use, but every year one athlete is rewarded for making his or her steroid use well known (The 2004 winner was John Ashee, who had two needles sticking out of his ass in the weightlifting competition, and proceeded to beat a child to death with a 50 lb. weight after winning the gold)

Biggest National Embarrassment - Athletes see who can disgrace their homeland the most (Usually a twenty-way tie between every male gymnast)

Most Family Support - As ticket sales for the Olympics are often sluggish, medals are awarded to athletes who get the most family members to show up (Current record held by Artie Fisch, who had an astonishing three family members show up at the '88 Games - Two brothers and his stepmother)

That's pretty much it. I'm sure there's some other gay shit involving boats and horses, but nothing worth your time, even if your time is worthless. But if you're looking for something to do during this year's games, here's a brief list of activities more exciting than the Olympics: Drinking unsweetened iced tea, climbing up on your roof and counting the shingles, wearing a hat, and turning your TV around and watching the back of it. Happy Olympicing!


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