FUNNILINGUS
WHY IS IT THAT ONLY THE UGLY GIRLS READ THIS SHIRT?
I PUT THE "PORN" IN POPCORN
SUPPORT OUR TROOPS - EXCEPT RON, THAT GUY'S A DICK
LAST CALL FOR MY JOHNSON
GLUTTEN FOR PUNISHMENT
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
FUCKING CLASSY
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
WHO NEEDS BIG TITS? WHEN YOU HAVE AN ASS LIKE THIS
WHITE FLOUR!
MY LIFE IS A VERY COMPLICATED DRINKING GAME
I SHOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN
ID RATHER BE SNORTING COCAIN OFF A HOOKERS ASS
Torsopants

space
newsfromhell

 
head


WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

How about this heat? Remember to practice safety in these sweltering temperatures. Drink plenty of fluids, shave your pubic hair, and make your Filipino houseboy wave that fan faster. Most importantly, if you're going to leave your baby in the car, for the love of God, remember to put it in a bucket of ice water.

Isaac Hayes passed away this weekend. Now the most famous black Scientologist is...umm...Eartha Kitt? Tom Cruise's driver? Fuck if I know. In other celebrity news, Bernie Mac finally did something funny.

It is almost time for all of you kids to go back to school. So...millions and millions of kids riding the bus everyday + kids mimicking what they see in the media + Canadian bus beheading guy = Most entertaining school year ever.

In football news, Brett Favre is a huge fucking douche. As impressive as his football records are, his record for "Biggest Douche" is just astounding. That one is going to stand for a long time. I only see that one being broken if science finds some way to make a baby out of Ryan Seacrest and a giant Bluetooth.

"Actor" Shia LeBeouf was recently arrested for DUI after being involved in a car crash. There is no footage of the crash, which is too bad. He might have actually been involved in something that was entertaining.

In political news, a military jury recently found a former driver for Osama bin Laden guilty of supporting terrorism. Man, I hope those guys don't get wise to me. I support terrorism every single night. (cough cough) Oh man, I'm so stoned I don't even care that that reference is six years old.


long division

head

Wondering why your favorite NBC programming has been preempted by some 14-year-old girl twirling a ribbon? You can rest assured that God hasn't killed you and sent you to Hell for what you did to that fat kid in junior high. No, it is that time of (every fourth) year when the world's best and brightest athletes put to use years and years of training in an effort to win a shiny medal whose monetary value is roughly one month's pay at Taco Bell.

I know what you're thinking - 'It seems like only yesterday I watched the '04 Olympics for seven minutes before flipping over to MythBusters.' That's because time flies when you're not watching the Olympics. Or you may be confusing it with the Winter Olympics. It takes all the glory and majesty of the regular Olympics and puts it on ice. Basically, it just gives the boredom a different background. Like watching Nickelback perform in Antarctica.

To put into perspective how boring the Olympics are, it provides hundreds of gambling opportunities and the chance to be blindly patriotic, and it still won't beat Antiques Roadshow in the ratings. But maybe you're the exception. If you're the one person in America who enjoys seeing grown men prance around like little girls or little girls with the bodies of grown men doing likewise; we'd like to get you up to speed with a list of this year's events.

2008 Olympic Events

Olympics Watching - Athletes watch footage of the event they just participated in and see how long they can go without changing the channel

The Obscurity Dash - Athletes see who can fade into obscurity fastest (Record held by the 2000 triathlon winner, who, upon winning, was referred to as "that guy with the weird earlobes")

Medal Selling - Via Ebay, medalists see who can sell their medal the fastest, and for the most money

Odd Endorsement Battle - Olympians in the more obscure events see who can obtain the strangest endorsement (Early buzz says that fencer Robert Tosh's endorsement deal with Uncle Jimmy's Foil Polish is the clear winner)

Most Obvious Steroid Use - Olympians are encouraged to conceal steroid use, but every year one athlete is rewarded for making his or her steroid use well known (The 2004 winner was John Ashee, who had two needles sticking out of his ass in the weightlifting competition, and proceeded to beat a child to death with a 50 lb. weight after winning the gold)

Biggest National Embarrassment - Athletes see who can disgrace their homeland the most (Usually a twenty-way tie between every male gymnast)

Most Family Support - As ticket sales for the Olympics are often sluggish, medals are awarded to athletes who get the most family members to show up (Current record held by Artie Fisch, who had an astonishing three family members show up at the '88 Games - Two brothers and his stepmother)

That's pretty much it. I'm sure there's some other gay shit involving boats and horses, but nothing worth your time, even if your time is worthless. But if you're looking for something to do during this year's games, here's a brief list of activities more exciting than the Olympics: Drinking unsweetened iced tea, climbing up on your roof and counting the shingles, wearing a hat, and turning your TV around and watching the back of it. Happy Olympicing!

Comments (0) - Add A Comment


MOO!
space


-----Original Message-----

From: Karen

what the F**K happened to tshirthell? the shirts aren't even funny anymore they are... wow i can't even find a word to describe how much they have gone downhill!!

Editor's Note: I'm getting tired of this question, so I'm going to answer it one last time and then we'll never speak of it again. What happened to T-Shirt Hell? We stopped giving a shit. I mean, we already didn't care about anything else, but now we don't even care about ourselves.

In a certain sense, I guess you could say we're a good metaphor for America. We were both borne of an oppressive British government; we were both immediately controversial and built on the backs of slaves; we both kept growing in size and popularity and soon became unwieldy; and now we are both hated by those who once loved us.

So hate us if you will, but...no, that's it. Just hate us if you will. Long live T-Shirt Hell and our unfunny shirts! Or not. What do I care?

Comments (0) - Add A Comment


joy division

-----Original Message-----

From: Teresa K.

Dear Sirs,

I am subscribed to your e-mail list, so I receive e-mails from you on a periodic basis. I am also the parent of a delightful 7-year-old named Rebecca who has Down Syndrome. If you don't have a child with special needs, you probably aren't aware of how hurtful the word "retarded" is to some people when it is used in a derogatory manner.

I realize that your company is based on poking fun at subjects - I actually like most of your items that contain sarcastic remarks. However, there are some subjects that should be out of bounds for sarcasm or ridicule, just in the name of common courtesy. It is one thing to poke fun at someone who has done something ridiculous when they should have known better. It is abhorrent to poke fun at a whole group of people who cannot help the circumstances of their birth or their genetics.

The Special Olympics is a noble organization which recognizes the strengths of these people and treats them with dignity. Please consider calling your sale something else. There is nothing wrong with trying to promote your product, but when you do it in this way, you are cheapening everything in your company.

I appreciate you taking the time to read my remarks. I am not one of those people who gets up on a soapbox very often, but when it comes to our daughter, I will fight the entire world if I have to. She is the most precious gift that our family ever received, and we wouldn't trade her for the world.

Sincerely,
Teresa K.
Forth Worth, Texas

Editor's Note: A retarded girl is the most precious gift your family has ever received? Jesus, your family has gotten some pretty shitty gifts. What are some other gifts you've received - a rabid howler monkey with knives for hands and a self-activating automatic ass-raper?

But I get what you're saying. Your tard-baby is incapable of defending itself, so we shouldn't pick on her. Let me ask her how she feels about all this. Okay, she just said "Potatoes taste better than cars" and tried to shove a dead bird in her ear. I assume that means she's okay with it.

Seriously though, how dare you get an attitude with us when you're the one who got knocked up and kept your baby knowing full well that someone as massively idiotic as you would undoubtedly give birth to a drooling chimp? I guess it's just easier for you to lash out at the world than it is to admit you're a selfish bitch who knowingly conceived an arm-biting freak. You make me sick. (But not as sick as your daughter makes me. Geez, just look at that thing.)

(By the way, commenters, yes, I do realize I ignored the fact that she's from Texas. I figured I'd let you guys handle that.)

Comments (0) - Add A Comment


division of labor

-----Original Message-----

From: Larry C.

Some shirts are funny, some shirts hurt. Some shirts really piss people off. Some people really, I mean really! People really believe this crap on your shirts. What about the ones who start believing after they see one. For example slamming a faith.

Editor's Note: People don't believe ALL the crap on our shirts. Only the stuff that is actually true. For example, if someone were standing next to you in our "He loves the cock" shirt, they would believe that because it's true. But no one sincerely believes that "Baaaaaa means noooooo!" At least I hope it doesn't, or I'm going to Hell on 200 counts of sheep rape.

On the other hand, if you're right about people believing what they see on shirts, I've been going about this entire business all wrong. Here I've been making jokes about fucking, alcohol, and drugs, and all the while I could've been brainwashing the masses into doing my bidding. Then again, all of my "bidding" includes fucking, alcohol, and drugs, so damned if this hasn't been working after all.

P.S. - Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Atheists, and Agnostics can all take turns drinking my tampon squeezings.

Comments (0) - Add A Comment

does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Submission-----

From: Adele S.

I saw the image on one of your T shirts.saying "Are you tighter than a 5th Grader?" I consider myself to have an open mind, however when Pedophilia is used for a joke I do not think it is funny.I find it very offensive. Jokes about adults are fine.

sincerely
adele s

Editor's Note: So jokes about adults are fine, huh? Well, genius, what do you think pedophiles are? Pedophiles are adults by the very definition of the word. I accept your apology.

Incidentally, why does everyone assume that shirt is about minors? Just because someone is in the fifth grade doesn't mean they're underage. It could be an eighteen-year-old with a serious learning disability. Or it could be a midget cop going undercover in some bizarre fifth-grade drug-dealing sting. Or it could be the son of a hotel owner who has to pass every grade over again because he didn't pass them legitimately the first time around.

All that is beside the point. My point is....I don't know. I guess I just wanted to encourage everyone to have sex with eleven-year-olds. Now go stick your head in a walrus cunt.

Comments (0) - Add A Comment

division of labor

[I Can Fade Away AND Burn Out]

Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. Getting stoned and sleeping all day, on the other hand, is zero percent perspiration, and it feels way better than being called a genius.

Peace

 


 
Copyright