The Mid-August Thing
Congratulations, you just started reading the latest T-Shirt Hell newsletter. And now that you've read this much you have to forward it to ten people or you will be cursed with sobriety and healthy children. Anyway, let's get to the latest news. Floyd Landis was recently stripped of the title "World's Best Bike Rider" after he tested positive for doping. Fortunately for Landis, he recently discovered something known as a "car."
In other news, Mel Gibson apologized to the Jewish community after he claimed that Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. The Jewish community accepted his apology and, in return, apologized for starting all those wars. Also, Robin Williams recently entered rehab due to his addiction to body hair and terrible screenplays.
Lastly, blizzards continue to pound America, gas prices are at an all-time low and the Middle East is experiencing peace. I'm sorry, I forgot I was reporting from Opposite-Land. I was wondering why burning all those kangaroos didn't get me turned on.
If These Shirts Were Any Newer They Would Be
Do you recognize that smell? No, it's not Satan ejaculating on a burning barrel of Siamese twins. It's our latest batch of new shirts (actually, it's both). Included in our latest group is a shirt that gives women a great alternative to swallowing and a shirt for everyone that's fed up with midgets. I mean little freaks. I mean midget people. Fuck, I'll just call them my fetish and be done with it.
We also have a shirt that makes as much sense as a dolphin crawling across your ceiling while your toaster plays "Sweet Home Alabama." I'm glad I didn't do any acid that night. Those are the moments you really want to be clearheaded for.
All of our new shirts are here:
I'm Writing About Mel Gibson Two Weeks Too Late
Mel Gibson recently made some comments that angered the Jewish community and the Sugar-tits community. Now, until this story broke I had never heard of a Jew, so I wasn't that upset by it. Apparently "Judaism," as they call it, is a popular religion and has at least two hundred followers worldwide that are known as "Jews."
Gibson was quoted as saying "Fucking Jews...The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." That is the quote that has received the most attention, but Gibson's offensive comments didn't stop there. I present to you, in a T-Shirt Hell exclusive, a few more of Gibson's statements that were released in the official police report. Enjoy.
"Everybody thinks six million Jews were killed during the Holocaust. That's bullshit. They just killed the same Jew six million times. They come back to life every time someone lights a menorah."
"No Jews were actually tattooed during the Holocaust. They are born with a number tattooed on their arm."
"If you steal a dreidel from a Jew and eat it, you acquire his life force. You will thereafter be impervious to shark attacks and spinning helicopter blades."
"Regardless of what people think, Nazis weren't the biggest threat to the Jewish people. Nazis only killed six million Jews. The comedy team of Amos 'N Andy killed nine million Jews in 1927."
"The Jews killed Jesus because he made an awesome new hat that was totally going to kill sales of the yarmulke."
"Jews weren't forced to have a number tattooed on their arm during the Holocaust. They were given a choice between a number and a picture of Snagglepuss."
"The Jews caused the Great Depression just days after they had invested all their money in despair, tears and suicide."
"Everyone hates the Nazis because they put Jews in ovens, but did you know that when Jews are burned to death they become unicorns?"
"People think Nazis forced Jews into concentration camps. The truth is that the Jews stole that land from Nazis, locked themselves up, starved themselves and gave guns to the Nazis just so it would look like the Nazis were evil."
"Despite what everybody thinks, Jews do not control the media. A secret organization known as "The Yellow Rose," which is made up of Asians with goiters, controls the media. And the Jews control them."
"Jews have toothpick dispensers where their nipples should be."
"One time I fucked a sack of potatoes. That has nothing to do with Jews, I just wanted to tell somebody."
That's all for now, but stay tuned for the continuing misadventures of Mel Gibson. Who knows what the future holds for our crazy little friend? Will he do an eightball of cocaine and run through a nursing home naked? Will he break into an orphanage dressed as Scooby Doo and punch the babies in their faces? Will he hire a team of transvestite hookers to pull him through a carnival on a dogsled? Your guess is as good as mine. Which is kind of inconvenient for me. I'm tired of not knowing what our plans are until he picks me up.
I Had Sex With Hate Nine Months Ago - Here's My Baby
From: Rita W.
Sent: Tuesday, June 27, 2006 8:43 AM
Subject: Arrest Black Babies
Why don't you have a t-shirt that say: Arrest White Babies before the become KLANSMAN!
I know that in this world it will always be a white and black issue. Crime is crime and wrong is wrong, regardless of what race you are. I know that your feed back will be negative, but that's not a problem coming from someone who is a racist.
(Editor's Note: Good Lord, how many times can you be wrong in a three-sentence e-mail? First of all, wrong is not wrong regardless of race. How bad an act is depends largely on the race of the person committing it. For example, white rape is bad, but it's not nearly as bad as black rape. On the crime/race scale, this is where white rape is in relation to the crimes of other races. White rape is equal to the following crimes: Black murder, Mexican arson, Asian robbery or Eskimo jaywalking.
Secondly, I'm not a racist and my feedback is not going to be negative. On the contrary, my feedback is going to be constructive and helpful. It's advice aimed at you, Rita. The first bit of advice I have to give is that you look up the word "joke" in a dictionary. If you don't know what a dictionary is I don't know how to help you. My second piece of advice is that you crawl into a ditch and eat an entire bottle of pills. You could eat the pills at home, but I don't want you smelling up that refrigerator box and ruining it for the other mentally challenged hoboes.)
From: Justina M.
Sent: Tuesday, July 04, 2006 9:22 PM
To whom it may concern:
I've ordered through your website in the past and was about to do so again. That is until I came across your "Whore of the month" pictures on your home page. That is the most disgusting way to try to promote your clothing. I have to admit that your clothing line is hysterical and possibly one of a kind but I will attempt t find another company to order with from now on. I don't want to see some half naked girl wearing your clothing. Call me old fashioned but I don't swing that way.
Your unhappy X-customer
(Editor's Note: Thanks for giving me the option of calling you old-fashioned, but I think I'm going to go with "uptight bitch with a retarded kid's liver for a brain."
We appreciate your past business and I'm glad you find the shirts hysterical and unique. It's just too bad that you're offended by the fact that people wear our shirts. I suppose you bought shirts from us in the past just so you could look at them and pretend that you have a friend you bought them for.
But if you think posting pictures of half naked girls wearing our shirts is the most disgusting way to promote our clothing, I'm glad you didn't see the pictures we used to post. I thought it was cute, but other people were kind of freaked out by the sight of shit-covered, aborted fetuses wrapped in our shirts. Oh well, live and learn. Except for you. You should just die.)
From: Jorge H.
Sent: Friday, July 07, 2006 6:17 PM
Subject: Your are right
your babies are not starving, but you know at least our women are not the filthiest whores on earth, and sure you suck in football (what kind of idiots can call to a game played with hands football?)
(Editor's Note: You got me, Jorge. Sometimes someone nails us so thoroughly I can't even come back with anything. You're right. Our babies are well-fed and our land is crawling with filthy whores. We're living in a virtual hell.
But seriously, don't think I didn't notice the irony of someone of the Latin persuasion calling our women filthy whores. Based on your name, Jorge, I'm guessing you know several women that would have to shower for a week and undo roughly 1,000 hours of baby-making sex to qualify for the title of "filthy whore." As it stands, the title of "filthnasty whoreskank" is probably more accurate.
Also, good job of insulting us with the exact same line we used. The shirt in question says we suck at soccer and you went ahead and repeated it back to us. But you are right to call us idiots for calling a sport played primarily with your hands "football." I've got a way to settle this once and for all. We'll call our version of football "Tossball" and we'll call soccer "That sport that foreigners pretend to like just so they can lord it over Americans. Our lives are so empty that when our team loses we destroy the stadium and kill the referees because it's all we have in our sad little so-called lives...ball." Not very catchy, but I think we can hammer it down to "Boringball.")
From: Murat T.
Sent: Monday, July 10, 2006 9:24 AM
Subject: The Koran...Now in two ply!
Somethings that some people respect and honor a lot, should not be insulted this way. I mean freedom should have the limit not to insult peoples believes and the things they respect a lot.
I try to be reasonable, but you know doing this you make people angry and that is obvious. Than there are demonstrations and people get hurt. Which is the worst, i am sure you would agree too.
Of course I cant tell you what to do but, I hope you would stop showing and selling the mentioned stuff.
(Editor's Note: One of the few things I regret about the computer age is that jihadists have become so complacent and lazy. 10-15 years ago this little bastard would've had the decency to hunt us down and firebomb us or at least kill himself and take us out with him. But in this day and age he can just sit in his cave and call us disrespectful.
I have to think the other guys in his militant group give him shit all the time. The other guys are talking about burning their wives for showing ankle or blowing up a McDonald's and he chimes in with yet another anecdote about his e-mail. Then the other guys start in with "Murat, you little pussy" and that's when he breaks down crying and runs home to write in his dream journal. "Allah, you're the only one that understands me. I just want to be with you all the time. They can't stop our love."
You could at least have the decency to threaten violence in your e-mail, but you actually come out AGAINST violence. What kind of Muslim are you? Have you even read the Koran? It's right there in the first paragraph. "In the beginning, Allah created the heavens and the Earth. And he commanded that his people do all in their power to destroy them." And then I think it mentions something about Murat killing himself so that the virgins of the loyal Muslims would have a gay guy to talk to in Heaven. So get right on that.)
This Newsletter is Over - Just Like My Career in Ovary Shaving
John F. Kennedy once said "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for - Oh God, my brains!"