BUY SHIRTS
 


08/16/05

Word on the street is that Aston Kutcher and Demi Moore are trying to have a baby. Demi has 3 children with former husband Bruce Willis: Rumer, Scout LaRue, and Tallulah Belle. If the new child is a girl, she plans on naming her Doorknob Underpants; and if it's a boy, Kick My Ass And Take My Lunch Money. As for why they're having a child, Kutcher is said to be desperate for an intellectual and emotional equal; while Demi is just looking for someone new, and younger to fuck.

[Nu Shirts Made Especially For Yu]

We have 2 new shirts this week. If you think robbing the homeless and unplanned pregnancy are funny, you've come to the right place. If you don't, I'm not sure why you're here. But then again, why are any of us here?

Enough philosophical questions, all of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt516.htm

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.

[Entertainment through the Ages]

Early man had little choice when he wanted entertainment. He would basically sit in the entrance of his cave, jerk off, and watch his neighbors.

If he waited long enough, hopefully he would catch a glimpse of them fucking their mate, beating their children, or getting eaten by a dinosaur. If he was lucky, he would get to see all three. If he was really lucky: all three at once. You would think our entertainment choices would have evolved right along with us. I say if anything they have gotten worse.

People today enjoy the circus. The Romans invented them. But not pussy circuses like we have. They were designed as an alternative to watching your neighbors. Action was guaranteed. Every show they had lions eating people. Every show was followed by an orgy. In modern times, you're lucky if a lion eats even a couple people when you go to the circus. Sure, the modern circus is always good for an elephant trampling, but that's really more of a tease than a main event. And maybe you'll find a horny midget or a licentious acrobat to eat your ass at intermission if you're lucky, and you keep your ass spotless.

In spite of this, most modern circuses still manage to deliver a modicum of entertainment. But now there are more and more circuses without any animals. Crazy, dirty French circuses made up entirely of pretentious acrobatic clowns. These clowns rarely eat members of the audience and they are insufferably rude if you even dare suggest they fondle your buttocks or twist a nipple. As if we needed another reason to hate the French, or clowns.

Around the 1700's man invented television. Of course these early televisions were made of wood and there were probably only 3 or 4 channels, with one of them being devoted entirely to churning butter. In the twentieth century we have cable television. There are over 5000 channels. They still have the channel devoted to churning butter, but now they also run it in Spanish. The Spanish version is way better because the butter churner has enormous tits. Sometimes Erik Estrada shows up to chase her around the butter churn wearing only a bonnet, a bow tie, and a pair of high heels.

We all know that modern network television is highly regulated and censored.
We expect it to be creamy soft serve dog shit in a cardboard cup. Basic cable is also a wasteland. Basic cable is divided between crappy low budget decorating shows, tedious wildlife shows, and that show where they build motorcycles. The motorcycle show, which used to be one of my favorites, is now just one big product placement opportunity for whatever corrupt corporation dumps a mountain of cash on these, 'rebel' bike builders/cheap corporate whores.

Premium cable television is no better. They've hired all of the writers away from basic cable and network television and then they never put out any new shows. There is one new episode of the Sopranos every 3 years. The new season is going to open with A.J. getting a colostomy bag and moving into a retirement home.

And what has basic cable and network television done now that they don't have any writers? They've switched to Reality Programs. What are Reality Programs? Cameras follow people around as they go about their day. Does this sound familiar? You're just sitting in the mouth of the cave watching your neighbors. We're back where we started, except this time there is no chance a dinosaur will show up and disembowel Bobby Brown. And that's a shame.

[Haight Male Frum Stoopid Peeple]

----- Original Message -----

From: "Rodney Thompson"
Sent: Tuesday, August 02, 2005 7:03 PM
Subject: Annonymous Tip

It would be in your best interest to pull the shirt "Arrest Black Babies". I've been told that an investigation is in the works which would include media coverage, etc. It's not too late.

(Editor's Note: Oh no! Not publicity! Anything but publicity! Please, I'm begging you. The last thing we want is for people to find out about our website. They might even come to our website and tell their friends about it! If there is enough publicity it might even reach people with brains, or people who have a sense of humor, or a clue. And Rodney Thompson, it's not too late for Rodney Thompson to brush up on Rodney Thompson's, 'anonymous' tipping skills.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Elektrec @ ***.com
Sent: Friday, August 05, 2005 11:09 PM
Subject: t-shirt

Your "Mexican" t-shirt is very offensive and, although I can't stop this sick effort on your part to make a buck or to cater to the extreme right wing of your political party, I must remind you that you will have to answere to your God one day and explain why you chose to hurt and degrade so many innocent victims.

(Editor's Note: I don't know if our "Mexican" shirt is really that popular with the right wing of my political party. I don't really have a political party. I did have a super Sweet 16 party and I was the prettiest girl in the room. I can't believe jerk Ritchie Appleton left with that whore Dana Oliver. And I'm always happy to answer to my God because she loves me. Do you offer virgin sacrifices to your God? I didn't think so. I do. Although we use the term, 'virgin' pretty loosely if you know what I mean.
But it's not like I worship Allah. He's all hung up on virgins. He won't count you as a virgin if all you've done is suck a guy off while he shits on your belly. Which ironically, is the same reason I got thrown out of the ball room at Chuck E. Cheese.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Jill S.
Sent: Sunday, August 07, 2005 5:43 PM
Subject: interesting website

Hey webmaster, etc.
I Googled t-shirt and your crappy site came up on the list and unfortunately for me I went there. What are you selling besides sex? I mean Christ I couldn't' even see clearly one t-shirt design when i first hit your page - nothing really grabbed me. Don't get me wrong I'm sure you get tons of hits every day and thousands of orders. But are people getting there by searching with the words T-shirt? I don't know much about marketing, but as a consumer I wouldn't be too compelled to visit your website again anytime soon. good luck with whatever.
Constructive Criticism 101

JS
Editor ****** Newsletter

(Editor's Note: You can imagine how excited I was when I saw a letter from
a fellow Newsletter Editor. But what a remarkably irritating shrill harpy bitch she turned out to be. We sell so much more than sex. We offer violence, hate, substance abuse, misanthropy, and biting social commentary. I agree that you don't know much about marketing. In fact I would argue you don't know much about anything. Someone as dull and ignorant as you should not be allowed the exalted position of Newsletter Editor. They should make you Executive Poison Taster, or Chief of Sticking Ice Picks up your Nose into your Brain. You have even tainted this response and made it less funny. Damn you.)

----- Original Message -----

From: AnGelA RoSaLeS GoNzALeZ
Sent: Saturday, August 13, 2005 12:53 PM
Subject: Just a comment

Thanks for spoiling the book that I've waited for 1 freaking year. I didn't even have to look at someone wearing your horrible t-shirt, I just had to enter to your homepage. A homepage that I wont ever going to visit again, EVER. You dont have a warning or something. Damn, I just dont understand how can some people be so comonsense less. There aren't words to tell how much I hate you and your damn website. Have a nice day

(Editor's Note: I don't see how telling you who dies in the end ruins the book for you. You know you get the greatest pleasure from coloring in it. And you can still rub the corner against your special place until you get all tingly. You can still lick the pages until your tongue is covered in paper cuts, and then drink rubbing alcohol. No the book is not ruined for you. To get maximum enjoyment please hit yourself in the head with it until you pass out. OK, maybe that's how I will derive maximum enjoyment from it, but I don't think that is important. Especially to a gutter slut like you.)

[A deck of Road Rage Cards, and drivers who must be dealt with]

Every day you drive past thousands of idiots who have no idea that you hate their guts. They are oblivious to the fact that they can't drive for shit. It is your duty as an American, or as a non American, to educate every last one of these clueless mother fuckers. We just want to help.

www.roadrage.com

[Not The Beginning]

It's almost time to go back to school, and if you have any lingering doubts about it, I say stay home. Everything you need to know in life, you can learn from reading this newsletter. And many of my pearls of wisdom are also available in convenient t-shirt form. You can buy a ton of crack with that tuition money. The choice is yours.