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It's back to school time. You may be too old for school, but I suggest you go back anyway. Where else can you get $1 lunch and see hundreds of hot girls who are that cute version of depressed that wasn't brought on by real life or relationships? Hooray for child depositories!
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was recently sworn in for his second term. He vows he won't become a lame goat president. He pledges to undertake sweeping reform, including more resentment for the West, more Allah in the health care plan, and more ignoring information gathered during the last 2000 years. Sweet democracy.
Last week President Obama awarded the Medal of Freedom, our highest civilian honor, to 16 people, including Ted Kennedy, Sidney Poitier and Stephen Hawking. That was cool of Obama. Those guys really needed a pick-me-up after being shut out at the Teen Choice Awards.
In sports news, Tiger Woods won the PGA Championship. I don't know if he won the trophy; I meant he won by being a billionaire with a wife so hot she'll make your cock sing, and not some 45-year-old white douche whose wife is a non-famous version of Meredith Vieira.
In entertainment news, Paula Abdul is leaving American Idol. Bombshell. This is like when some other thing I don't care about happened. Anyway, here's hoping Paula lands on her feet. Or hopefully her back, right before passing out and choking on her own vomit.
After a 20-year absence, Peewee Herman is returning for a new stage show. I don't know... Trying to cash in on something that was popular with kids two decades ago? Good luck with that. Now I'm off to watch Transformers 2 and GI Joe. (Holding up eight fingers) My brain is this many!
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 In the past few weeks there has been a rash of protesters disrupting town-hall meetings with angry outbursts critical of proposed health care reform. Many claim these outbursts stifle intelligent debate while others say they are merely giving voice to a neglected segment of the population. But more important than either of these points is that these outbursts are highly entertaining. Below are some of the "greatest hits" of these outbursts.
West Virginia - Tuesday, August 4
President Obama: The thing we must consider is the cost of inac-
Crazy Lady #1: What da gub'ment gon' do 'bout my kids! [pause for response] I wanna know what da gub'ment gon' do 'bout my kids! I got all these damn kids... I don't believe in no birth control and my husband likes ta get drunk and fuck. That's why I got all these kids! What you gon' do 'bout that! I can't be watchin' 'em all da got-damn time. Gub'ment need ta help my kids! I pay my taxes!
Idaho - Friday, July 31
Nancy Pelosi: We understand times are hard, but to turn things around some sacrifi-
Crazy Lady #2: WHERE'S THE MONEY GONNA COME FROM!?
NP: Uh... I don't know to what exactly you're referring, but obviously tax dollars are used for funding. That just goes hand-in-hand with living in a democra-
CL2: DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME! This guy on the TV was like "They want to take your money!" He wasn't too clear about who "they" were, or how they would take my money or how much they were taking or what they were taking it for, but he was, like, really mad - all red-faced and struggling to breath. It scared me to the point where I'd do any crazy fucking thing he told me to. That's why I'm here yelling at you about whatever it is you're talking about. I pay my taxes!
 Utah - Thursday, August 6
Rahm Emanuel: If we don't act now it may we may very well lose this opportunity forev-
Crazy Guy #1: HHRRRAAAUUUGGGGHHHH!!!! MY GUNS! MY TRUCK! BABIES! THE BIBLE! STEM CELLS! SOCIALISM! GAYS! PRAYER IN SCHOOL! STEALING OUR JOBS! SLIPPERY SLOPE! SUPPORT THE TROOPS! POTATO SALAD! OTHER WORDS! I PAY MY TAXES!
South Carolina - Monday, August 10
Hillary Clinton: This isn't going to be fixed overnight. This is going to require years of dedica-
Crazy Lady #3: I deliver unto you a message from your Lord and Savior, Werewolf-Jesus! He sayeth unto me, by way of the tape recorder I found under my dead daughter, that you shouldeth leave health care to big business. And all females are to cut their uteruses out and sew them together to form one super-gina that will produce all of America's babies. You should also crossbreed your poop with falcons, so your poop can fly and you won't need a toilet. I pay my taxes!
Alabama - Friday, August 14
Joe Biden: [Approaches podium]
Crazy Guy #2: [Reaches down back of pants and flings stool at Biden. Throws female journalist to ground and humps her left boob. Throws himself to ground and does that thing Curly did where he walks sideways in a circle on the ground while going "Woo woo woo." Pulls out a hatchet, cuts off his own foot and starts eating it. Suddenly stops and takes a seat] I actually forget to file last year.
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 America is facing a crisis. I'm not talking about health care, unemployment or even the packs of kangaroos swarming the Midwest and raping everyone in sight. I'm talking about our catchphrase shortage. This nation was built on the strength of our catchphrases. Without "Give me liberty or give me death!" and "The British are coming!" we might as well be Canada or the Bermuda Triangle. That is why it is so important we maintain this heritage of catchphrases.
I was hopeful when Borat had every douche on the planet saying "Very nice!", but it's been three years and that well is dry. So I'm offering new catchphrases. I don't expect to return us to our heyday when "Dy-no-mite"s and "Where's the beef?"s were falling from trees like golden apples, but hopefully with this list and a little effort on your part we can get the ball rolling in the right direction.
(Don't worry, I'm not going to half-ass it and just slap together a bunch of random words and nonsensical phrases. I'm going to 51%-ass it and include when and how to use these phrases.)
That's bullshit, Marty! - To be shouted in church every time the pastor pauses.
And rub your junk on it. - State plainly after you've given a waitress your order.
Only one of us is getting out of here without poop in their hair. - Whisper on crowded elevator.
This one's for Jesus! - To be shouted at the exact moment of orgasm.
Skittles and foreskin - Like "Whatever," this is used to show indifference. Like if your wife says she's leaving you after 10 years of marriage... "Skittles and foreskin, man. Skittles and foreskin."
Jangleplatz! - Replacement for "Awesome." Simply because I'm tired of every asshole with the mind of a 14-year-old using some form of "awesome" to describe anything because they're unaware of other adjectives. If people use this, that shit would be jangleplatz. (That sounds awesome.)
 Murf da skwaaay! - Not sure, something rappers should say.
Take it all, Becky! - To be angrily yelled while using a public urinal.
I was promised ass-play! - To be shouted at any cashier or sales clerk who asks for payment.
To the reservoir! - Shout at any motorist with his or her window rolled down.
She like-a da turkey bacon. - For women only. To be whispered during gynecological exams.
There's mommy's little buck-buck. - Kneel down and say this when you see a midget.
The dialogue from an episode of Three's Company! - Shout at concerts in place of "Freebird!"
Let's teabag that fucker! - Shout halfway through the eulogy.
Kegels 'til you bleed! - Shout as loud as you can at any person on a cell phone.
Queef on that nigga! - Response when someone disrespects you. And despite the use of "nigga," is to be used on assholes of any race. If someone bumps into you in a bar, whether they're black, white or one of those other gross races, give them a hearty "Queef on that nigga!"
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The pen is mightier than the sword. But a guy with a sword through his chest can't use a pen.
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