It's back to school time. You may be too old for school, but I suggest you go back anyway. Where else can you get $1 lunch and see hundreds of hot girls who are that cute version of depressed that wasn't brought on by real life or relationships? Hooray for child depositories!

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was recently sworn in for his second term. He vows he won't become a lame goat president. He pledges to undertake sweeping reform, including more resentment for the West, more Allah in the health care plan, and more ignoring information gathered during the last 2000 years. Sweet democracy.

Last week President Obama awarded the Medal of Freedom, our highest civilian honor, to 16 people, including Ted Kennedy, Sidney Poitier and Stephen Hawking. That was cool of Obama. Those guys really needed a pick-me-up after being shut out at the Teen Choice Awards.

In sports news, Tiger Woods won the PGA Championship. I don't know if he won the trophy; I meant he won by being a billionaire with a wife so hot she'll make your cock sing, and not some 45-year-old white douche whose wife is a non-famous version of Meredith Vieira.

In entertainment news, Paula Abdul is leaving American Idol. Bombshell. This is like when some other thing I don't care about happened. Anyway, here's hoping Paula lands on her feet. Or hopefully her back, right before passing out and choking on her own vomit.

After a 20-year absence, Peewee Herman is returning for a new stage show. I don't know... Trying to cash in on something that was popular with kids two decades ago? Good luck with that. Now I'm off to watch Transformers 2 and GI Joe. (Holding up eight fingers) My brain is this many!

Comments (8) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Alaska  08/17/09 6:12 pm
The new shirt "Marshmallow Roast" is great in concept. I think its improvement should depict boy scouts being roasted instead of randomly boring people.

Lt. Commander Data  08/18/09 2:26 am
The unluckiest bastard in world history was the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee in that porno theatre. Tiger shot 75 on Sunday and lost to some ching who couldn't say any more than "thank you" in English and who's named after your libido (Yang). Paula Abdul can go jump off a cliff, but HOW DARE YOU disrespect Jimi Hendrix by suggesting she fall on her back and choke on her own vomit? That's HIS way to go, and no ex-Laker Girl and lousy singer should ever be wished such a glorious death... may someone put LSD in your headband, Angry Black Lady!

Trig Palin  08/18/09 9:46 am
Me lik marsmale shirt. it good. it looklike that man makane whos job momy want

your mothers fuck buddy  08/18/09 11:16 pm
what a shitfaced cock-sucker T.P. 08/18/09 9:46 am
get a fuckin job bitch.

Death Magnetic  08/18/09 11:16 pm
Pee Wee Rules! So what if he got caught jerking his cock in some porn theater. Like you haven't been caught jerking off in the bathroom at school? I know I have!

Iman Azol  08/19/09 7:38 am
I'm pulling for Pee Wee.

Waffle Iron  08/19/09 9:24 am
Trig is spelled with 2 g's. Christ knows he will never spell his name right, at least we can. Trigg. *rolls poop into little balls*

JoKer  08/20/09 2:43 pm
he's pulling for pee wee , mashmellow roasting YES, i want paula to choke on something

long division


picture 1In the past few weeks there has been a rash of protesters disrupting town-hall meetings with angry outbursts critical of proposed health care reform. Many claim these outbursts stifle intelligent debate while others say they are merely giving voice to a neglected segment of the population. But more important than either of these points is that these outbursts are highly entertaining. Below are some of the "greatest hits" of these outbursts.

West Virginia - Tuesday, August 4

President Obama: The thing we must consider is the cost of inac-

Crazy Lady #1: What da gub'ment gon' do 'bout my kids! [pause for response] I wanna know what da gub'ment gon' do 'bout my kids! I got all these damn kids... I don't believe in no birth control and my husband likes ta get drunk and fuck. That's why I got all these kids! What you gon' do 'bout that! I can't be watchin' 'em all da got-damn time. Gub'ment need ta help my kids! I pay my taxes!

Idaho - Friday, July 31pic 2

Nancy Pelosi: We understand times are hard, but to turn things around some sacrifi-


NP: Uh... I don't know to what exactly you're referring, but obviously tax dollars are used for funding. That just goes hand-in-hand with living in a democra-

CL2: DON'T FUCKING LIE TO ME! This guy on the TV was like "They want to take your money!" He wasn't too clear about who "they" were, or how they would take my money or how much they were taking or what they were taking it for, but he was, like, really mad - all red-faced and struggling to breath. It scared me to the point where I'd do any crazy fucking thing he told me to. That's why I'm here yelling at you about whatever it is you're talking about. I pay my taxes!

picture 1Utah - Thursday, August 6

Rahm Emanuel: If we don't act now it may we may very well lose this opportunity forev-


South Carolina - Monday, August 10

Hillary Clinton: This isn't going to be fixed overnight. This is going to require years of dedica-

Crazy Lady #3: I deliver unto you a message from your Lord and Savior, Werewolf-Jesus! He sayeth unto me, by way of the tape recorder I found under my dead daughter, that you shouldeth leave health care to big business. And all females are to cut their uteruses out and sew them together to form one super-gina that will produce all of America's babies. You should also crossbreed your poop with falcons, so your poop can fly and you won't need a toilet. I pay my taxes!your mom

Alabama - Friday, August 14

Joe Biden: [Approaches podium]

Crazy Guy #2: [Reaches down back of pants and flings stool at Biden. Throws female journalist to ground and humps her left boob. Throws himself to ground and does that thing Curly did where he walks sideways in a circle on the ground while going "Woo woo woo." Pulls out a hatchet, cuts off his own foot and starts eating it. Suddenly stops and takes a seat] I actually forget to file last year.

Comments (20) - View Comments - Add A Comment

billbudd  08/17/09 5:27 pm
I pay my taxes!

Mikeyroteuthis  08/17/09 6:20 pm

Trax  08/17/09 7:23 pm
Super - gina! I love it. I kneel your gigantic black funny gland Sunshine Megatron. You rock!

Sunshine Megatron  08/17/09 9:20 pm
Sunshine Megatron does not write the newsletter, you idiot.

Vanessa  08/18/09 1:17 am
The super gina is going to need Sunshine Megatrons gigantic black dick to impregnate it. You just created a new job for yourself!

Lt. Commander Data  08/18/09 2:34 am
First, it's "thou shouldest", not you shouldeth, which is Classical English's 3rd person mixed with Modern English. And it's -uteri-. Angry Black Lady having been corrected, government will just screw up healthcare. Canada can get by with it b/c they don't have thugs, anchor babies, and massive drug abuse. They also have 1/10 the people and less money with which to control their people. Screw this government crap, and Obama IS the Antichrist of 2008 (ty for the shirt, Sunshine M.) :)

Duncan  08/18/09 9:39 am
I take it then that you support "healthcare Reform"? From a Government that has been unable to "reform" the health care they control!

Bill Clinton's Penis  08/18/09 9:48 am
I take the blame!

CRAZY GUY #2  08/18/09 2:01 pm
The Alabama Aug 14 Story is TOTAL BULLSHIT. I humped her RIGHT boob, not her LEFT.

Rufus  08/18/09 4:38 pm
Obama's the Anti-Christ?! When did the mass murdering, rights stealing, treaty breaking, economy killing Bush give up his title?VGOYW

CDMSR  08/18/09 4:47 pm
The health care they control (Medicare, Medicaid, VA) doesn't need reform. Its "customers" consistently rate their satisfaction levels much higher than any form of what passes for private insurance in Amerika.

Take that, Dunkin' ("that" being a scrote in your mouth)!

Jennifer  08/18/09 5:09 pm
The idiot who interrupted Rahm later received a dead halibut in the mail, because YOU DO NOT FUCKING INTERRUPT RAHM EMANUEL WHEN HE'S SPEAKING.

shitstick  08/18/09 11:12 pm
fuck Osama / Obama (same person) , pelosi . rahm emanuel. fuck em all with a shit sandwich covered in George W. Bush's gizz.

Death Magnetic  08/18/09 11:24 pm
Everyone knows those people in I da Ho don't pay taxes. They use that money to stockpile weapons and promote hatred of niggers, Spics, Jews, fags, dykes, catholics, etc., build compounds to spew their hate filled ideology, and then, have the audacity to expect no one to give them any shit? I'm all for hate, but goddamn, why do you white trailer trash bitches have to be so fucking narrow minded and LOUD over it? And I thought the niggers and wetbacks were bad!!!! WHITE POWER!!!! :P

Iman Azol  08/19/09 7:42 am
Yum. Potato salad.

In other news, the VA fucking sucks. I gave up and started paying for my own care. You want that kind of health care? You can fucking have it. Call a Priest first.

Waffle Iron  08/19/09 9:28 am
Hey, Shitstick!! Gizz? Get your Uncles balls out of your eyes when you type. Jizz. With a J! Shitstick.

Rufus' Nemesis  08/19/09 6:43 pm
Hey Rufuck, how's the Kool-Aid ? I hear obitchma got his recipe from Jim Jones, and then let Reggy White rewrite it so it could be a Black recipe, and then rahm emanuel pissed in it so the sand niggers would have a part in it, Then they had to name it something.....hmmmm...I KNOW George W. Bush Juice!!! And apparently you're chugging it like your hermaphroditic mothers Jizz. Just keep watching T.V. rufag, it'll all be over soon!

JoKer  08/20/09 2:49 pm
crazy lady iz knot grazy fok dish shite ,well she ment well , your taxes at work building them dirt roads

Venetian Deafs  08/20/09 6:15 pm
I went to a town hall in Maryland and was very disappointed that there were no outbursts. Just reasonable discussion and debate. This place is so boring. We need more rubes that do anything Rush Limbaugh tells them. THE BIBLE!

Michael Scott  08/21/09 11:45 am
I was at the same town hall meeting as that last guy and what you fail to mention is that after he threw his shit at Biden, Biden started eating it. True story.


picture 1America is facing a crisis. I'm not talking about health care, unemployment or even the packs of kangaroos swarming the Midwest and raping everyone in sight. I'm talking about our catchphrase shortage. This nation was built on the strength of our catchphrases. Without "Give me liberty or give me death!" and "The British are coming!" we might as well be Canada or the Bermuda Triangle. That is why it is so important we maintain this heritage of catchphrases.

I was hopeful when Borat had every douche on the planet saying "Very nice!", but it's been three years and that well is dry. So I'm offering new catchphrases. I don't expect to return us to our heyday when "Dy-no-mite"s and "Where's the beef?"s were falling from trees like golden apples, but hopefully with this list and a little effort on your part we can get the ball rolling in the right direction.

(Don't worry, I'm not going to half-ass it and just slap together a bunch of random words and nonsensical phrases. I'm going to 51%-ass it and include when and how to use these phrases.)

That's bullshit, Marty! - To be shouted in church every time the pastor pauses.

And rub your junk on it. - State plainly after you've given a waitress your order.your mom

Only one of us is getting out of here without poop in their hair. - Whisper on crowded elevator.

This one's for Jesus! - To be shouted at the exact moment of orgasm.

Skittles and foreskin - Like "Whatever," this is used to show indifference. Like if your wife says she's leaving you after 10 years of marriage... "Skittles and foreskin, man. Skittles and foreskin."

Jangleplatz! - Replacement for "Awesome." Simply because I'm tired of every asshole with the mind of a 14-year-old using some form of "awesome" to describe anything because they're unaware of other adjectives. If people use this, that shit would be jangleplatz. (That sounds awesome.)

picture 1Murf da skwaaay! - Not sure, something rappers should say.

Take it all, Becky! - To be angrily yelled while using a public urinal.

I was promised ass-play! - To be shouted at any cashier or sales clerk who asks for payment.

To the reservoir! - Shout at any motorist with his or her window rolled down.

She like-a da turkey bacon. - For women only. To be whispered during gynecological exams.

There's mommy's little buck-buck. - Kneel down and say this when you see a midget.your mom

The dialogue from an episode of Three's Company! - Shout at concerts in place of "Freebird!"

Let's teabag that fucker! - Shout halfway through the eulogy.

Kegels 'til you bleed! - Shout as loud as you can at any person on a cell phone.

Queef on that nigga! - Response when someone disrespects you. And despite the use of "nigga," is to be used on assholes of any race. If someone bumps into you in a bar, whether they're black, white or one of those other gross races, give them a hearty "Queef on that nigga!"


Comments (23) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Ms Kitty  08/17/09 5:56 pm
Ah, your refreshing wit made my day. Thanks!

Fuzzy Cuntlip  08/17/09 6:06 pm
Queef on that Nigga

Mr. Jesus  08/17/09 9:25 pm
That was fucking jangleplatz, man.

HarryBastard  08/17/09 10:48 pm
Hey! I've been shouting "Take it all, Becky!" at toilets and urinals for years!

Woody  08/17/09 11:08 pm
Skittles & Foreskin....I swear to Christ I am using this one for now on!!!

Lt. Commander Data  08/18/09 2:39 am
How about "Oh, Flushin' Nutz!"? Used when a QB like Tony Homo, er, Romo screws up a game he should have won by playing like a high school kid. From the time he took Jessica S. to Mexico on the bye week in 2007, enjoyed himself immensely with her, and got home too tired to play.

We should also bring "O.J.'ed" back... that rocked...

Your Stanky Vag  08/18/09 2:09 pm
- meh -

Nimrod  08/18/09 5:33 pm
What about, Cunt sack or Holy hell?

shitstick  08/18/09 11:06 pm
fucking jangleplatz -- take it all, Becky. i think i shit a little when i read that

Death Magnetic  08/18/09 11:27 pm
This one's for Jesus! I hear that all the time. Only the people who say it are standing on the street corner begging for money for their next cold one!!!

you  08/19/09 6:40 am
Take it all Becky, was just jangleplatz

Iman Azol  08/19/09 7:51 am
What about, "Kill all humans!" to be shouted anywhere, and "Anally rape that Trekkie fag with a jackhammer!" for Lt Commander Data?

Joe  08/19/09 8:17 am
just a clarification: is the "a" sound at the end of jangleplatz like in "sack" or like in "balls"?

Captain America  08/19/09 1:17 pm
You fucking liberal homo pussies. I never read any disparaging comments from you about all those Code Pink lezbos and their lunatic anti-war ramblings. The fact is, the big O, Nancy Pelosi, and the rest of the looney left are getting their testicles handed to them on this one. Suck it up!

Finger Fuck That Caca Box  08/19/09 3:15 pm
That was some of the funniest shit I have ever read! My boss is about to ask me to leave.

Mr. Kidna Purrr  08/19/09 8:48 pm
FUCK! I hope I can make it the Michael Jackson's eulogy....won't that fucker have one? Wait till they bring up Mr. Bubbles and SCREAM 'let's t-bag that fucker!!!!!!" ahh. America :)

Ipiss Inourface  08/19/09 9:41 pm
When does the funny stuff happen? I couldn't find any.

JoKer  08/20/09 2:53 pm
kill them all, let god sort'em or rape and pillage which ever works

jiggleboo  08/20/09 6:19 pm
Angry e-mails and funny feedback!!!! *I keep shouting for those little buggers, but they don't seem to hear me. MOMMY'S GOT A FUCKING FRYING PAN AND SHE KNOWS HOW TO USED IT, GOD DAMN IT!!!

James a.k.a. Scott  08/20/09 7:11 pm
Everyone knows the catchphrase was perfected in Philadelphia when Tom Hanks said "I have aids." Anything else pales in comparison.

Spuntmire  08/21/09 6:24 pm
I don't go to church, but I might anticipate Marty's bullshit. And I'll let 'im know, no worries. The top three are the best, the rest kind of blow Joe's dumb ass. Of course jangleplatz's A is is pronounced as in 'sack' you goddamn syphilliptic homo.

susan and doug  09/01/09 2:22 am
Ooohh my sweet baby jesus will suck on the nipple juice of "let's tea bag that fucker" on wednesday!

Mr Wattie  09/18/09 5:05 am
That ain't the half of it here "Down Under" with packs of hundreds of Big Red and Grey Kangaroo's raping everything in sight across the land. they leave you on the ground half dead, And along come the Dingo's and rip out ya throat and steal ya little Baby! You got it easy with them 'roos, you pussies. Not quite as many crazy man's and women's here as you got, whew.

joy division

[You're Ugly - Leave]

The pen is mightier than the sword. But a guy with a sword through his chest can't use a pen.