It's back to school time. I hope all you junior high boys remembered to buy condoms. Either that or just ask your hot teacher if she'll take it in the butt. That bitch bears some responsibility too.
In political news, White House adviser Karl Rove will be leaving his job at the end of this month. Due to his influence over the President, Rove has been referred to as "Bush's Brain". So Bush's brain is retiring. I fail to see how things will be different. Get it? Bush is stupid. Has that comedy gold mine been emptied out yet? Wanna hear a joke about Clinton having sex? C'mon, this shit never gets old.
Mattel has recalled millions of toys made in China after it was learned that they contained lead paint. I've got a few jokes for this, so pick your favorite and disregard the rest. #1 - Instead of recalling it, they should've just repackaged him as the "Lick Me and Die" Elmo. #2 - When reached for contact, a Chinese toy manufacturer said "Me Chinese, me play joke, me kill your kid with a hazardous toy". #3 - If your kid licks a Chinese toy and dies, he'll just come back to life an hour later. #4 - Don't think of it as a toy recall. Think of it as God recalling your stupid kid. Had enough? Or did you want to OD on puns?
In a bit of sad news, game show legend Merv Griffin recently passed away. You see what happens when you're gay? You turn 82 and you die.
It's time to hook up with our new shirts. Don't worry, I'm not Chris Hansen. We've added new shirts for all you students out there, because now that school is back in session, you realize that you'll probably want to get kicked out.
Our latest batch includes a shirt that shows the darkest moment in the history of Peanuts, and a shirt for anyone who has a complex relationship with alcohol. And by "complex relationship" I mean you drink it a lot. Check them out or you'll make God cry. Even more than that time he got raped in prison.
All of our new shirts are here:
Just a friendly reminder to all of you people who are not my friends: We would love (tolerate) it if you would send us all your fucked up t-shirt ideas. It's a great way to earn $200 and 10 free shirts without doing all that annoying "work". And as long as your idea is original, even if it sucks, you already have a leg up on 95% of the retards who submit rape jokes that are 20 years old. It's incredibly easy and only takes a few seconds, so you can get right back to masturbating and eating cookie dough in no time. SUBMIT NOW!
It's only been a couple of weeks since Barry Bonds broke the most hallowed record in sports, but you can still feel the lack of excitement and indifference in the air. Along with Bonds becoming the all-time homerun king, some other important baseball milestones took place this month. First, Alex Rodriguez became the youngest player in history to hit 500 homeruns. And the very next day, Tom Glavine became only the 23rd pitcher to win 300 games.
But while those feats received the most attention, some other major accomplishments in sports went largely unnoticed. Here is a brief list.
Most rapes in a single off-season: Jackson Perry, Minnesota Vikings. After a slow start this off-season, Perry picked up the pace and zoomed to an amazing 27 rapes. Five more than the previous record of 22 rapes set in 1993 by Hall of Fame rapist Joe McKenzie of the Detroit Lions. When asked if he thought steroid use tainted this record, Perry raped the guy interviewing him.
Most consecutive days with a murder: Cliff Durant, Tennessee Titans. Durant murdered at least one person every day for six straight days. When asked to comment on the record, Durant had this to say. "I played hard...gave 110%...I just wanna thank God for giving me the strength to do this. I'd also like to thank my wife. Oh, wait...I killed her last Tuesday."
Fastest removal of evidence from a crime scene: Bobby Watson, St. Louis Cardinals. Watson collected and discarded of three bricks of cocaine, seven handguns, and two bloodstained nighties in an unprecedented 1 minute and 37 seconds.
Most illegitimate children: Jumaine Hamilton, Los Angeles Clippers. Hamilton shattered the previous mark of 112 illegitimate children set by Shawn Kemp in the late 90's. After all the paternity tests were in, Hamilton was proven to be the father of 147 bastard children. Sets of twins born in seven different states helped secure what should be his record for a long time to come.
Lastly, it is easy to forget since Barry Bonds just broke the most important record in sports, but he also set several other benchmarks recently. Included in his list of recent career achievements are Tiniest balls, Largest increase in head size, Most needle holes in ass, and Biggest douche.
I'd just like to offer my congratulations to all of our sports stars. You've given the rest of us something to believe in. The idea that we can do anything we set our minds to. The idea that teamwork can accomplish great things. But mostly, you've made us understand that if you can do something cool with a ball, you never have to face consequences.
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From: angel_*** @ ***.net
Sent: Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Subject: They shake me shirt
The "they shake me" shirt is the most stupid thing I have ever seen; this is not a laughing matter! Do you think having a baby die because they were shaken to death is a joke or a laughing matter! I think you should remove this shirt or I can Guarantee you that you will loose at least half of your business.
Who ever made this shit needs to grow up and get a life! Please do not feel free to contact me and try to explain why you think this shirt is "funny" Why don't you do something productive with your time and try to support babies who have ended up in the hands of murders! Thank you
Editor's Note: Before I get to numcunts here, let me explain something. We get no shortage of hate mail regarding all of our shirts, because fuckwits come in all shapes and sizes, and they all think the world should cater to them and them alone. But occasionally we get a flood of hate regarding one particular shirt. That is the case this week.
I don't know what happened, but for some reason we received an assload (not my ass, I meant one that can't hold two bowling pins) of hate concerning this baby shirt. Maybe it was mentioned in a magazine. Maybe some office worker got his coworkers together and formed some kind of Douche-Squad. Whatever the reason, our system nearly crashed from an overload of retard. I've selected a handful to respond to for this week in hate.
Regarding this particular email, what can I say? You may read this and think "Jesus Christ, what a jackass." I read this and think "I wonder where she ranks on the list of 7 billion jackasses." The general stupidity is great enough, but writing loose and murders instead of lose and murderers...that's just the icing on the mentally disabled cake.
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From: Teresa M.
Sent: Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Subject: THE "They Shake Me" T shirt
That is the most disgusting thing i have ever seen!!! DO you realize how many babies are dying because people are shaking them. THat shirt is totally unappropriate to even print and sell. It takes alot of sickos to come up with an idea like that. Please dont print that....you can do better than that.
Editor's Note: Turns out I can't do better than that. I've tried and I've tried (no I haven't), but this seems to be the best I can do. I think it's awfully presumptuous of you to think that I can do better. You don't know me. How would you feel if I told you how to be a better stupid bitch? But I'm not going to do that because I don't know you. Maybe this is the best stupid bitch you can be.
And, no, I don't know how many babies are dying because people are shaking them. My first guess is "not enough". That's proven by the fact that you're alive to do what you're doing. You know, taking up space that would be put to better use by storing copper wire or roadkill.
Lastly, if that shirt is the most disgusting thing you've ever seen I just feel bad for you. I hate to think about what would happen if I showed you my vagina. Your head would probably spin around until it flew right off your body. And you know where I'd be sticking it.
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From: Jen H.
Sent: Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Subject: please pull this shirt
Please pull the babyhell shirt that states "They Shake Me". Thats not a funny thing. Babies die from that and its very wrong to make it seem like its ok.
Editor's Note: Well, since you said please, go fuck yourself. The thing you people seem to be forgetting is that babies WANT these shirts. If we pulled our baby shirts, babies would have to go back to wearing a picture of Pooh with a honey pot stuck on his head. It seems like a cute image until you see a baby break its bottle and slash its wrists because it had to wear that lame shit.
Contrary to what you think, we're not trying to make it seem like shaking babies is okay. That shirt, like many of our shirts, is satire. We're simply making a statement about how wrong child abuse is. Or maybe it's about helicopters being awesome. It's hard to tell what statement you're making when you don't care.
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From: Missy M.
Sent: Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Subject: EXTREMELY ANGRY
I think you need to REMOVE the t-shirt that you are selling with the SMALL INNOCENT baby inside stating "THEY SHAKE ME". That is the most DISGUSTING thing I have ever seen. Do you realize how many babies die because they have been shaken and you are poking fun at it????
YOU should be ashamed of yourself. TAKE THIS SHIRT DOWN and show the familys of SBS that you do not condone this kind of thing. DO some research on SBS and then see if you think that shirt is acceptable.
Editor's Note: Again with the "most disgusting thing I've ever seen" nonsense. Vishnu almighty, you people really need to get a collective life. Have you even heard of the internet? With a few simple keystrokes you can see a guy rape a flamingo while conjoined twins vomit in his mouth. And this shirt is what gets your ire up? Fuck.
Anyway, I took your advice and did some research on SBS. (Thanks for the chuckle, by the way) It turns out that shirt is perfectly acceptable. You know why? Because that shirt doesn't actually shake babies. It's a goddamn shirt. All it does is lay there until you put it on a baby. And after you do that all it does is cover the baby's nipples. It doesn't spring to life like the broom in Fantasia and kill Little Billy.
Furthermore, I guarantee that no baby in history would be offended by that shirt. For a couple reasons. #1 - Babies can't read. And #2 - Babies laugh at stuff, you uptight cunt. I would concede the point that we're upsetting parents, if it wasn't completely retarded. What parents are we upsetting here? The ones that have lost a baby to SBS? If a parent lost a baby to SBS, wouldn't they be the ones that shook the baby? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think people leave their kids at baby-shaking services. Other than the most awesome parents in the world.
But okay, let's assume someone breaks into your house and shakes your baby. Shouldn't you be mad at that guy? Point being, people should be held responsible for their ACTIONS, not for their HUMOR. If comedy equaled reality, every Rabbi in the world would be in a bar fucking a horse right now. But they're not, because comedy doesn't equal reality. It equals a laugh. Sometimes reality is comedy, but never vice-versa. Like, you're an ignorant sow in real life, and that's funny. But if I told a joke in which you were smart or not a fat pig, that wouldn't make it so. Later, anal-discharge-for-brains.
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Bye For Now - Straight For Later
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. Unless you're playing a game of "Don't Get Stabbed by the Drifter".