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newsfromhell


It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing
Maybe Karl Rove's 8th grade teacher should have fucked him.


It's back to school time. I hope all you junior high boys remembered to buy condoms. Either that or just ask your hot teacher if she'll take it in the butt. That bitch bears some responsibility too.

In political news, White House adviser Karl Rove will be leaving his job at the end of this month. Due to his influence over the President, Rove has been referred to as "Bush's Brain". So Bush's brain is retiring. I fail to see how things will be different. Get it? Bush is stupid. Has that comedy gold mine been emptied out yet? Wanna hear a joke about Clinton having sex? C'mon, this shit never gets old.

Mattel has recalled millions of toys made in China after it was learned that they contained lead paint. I've got a few jokes for this, so pick your favorite and disregard the rest. #1 - Instead of recalling it, they should've just repackaged him as the "Lick Me and Die" Elmo. #2 - When reached for contact, a Chinese toy manufacturer said "Me Chinese, me play joke, me kill your kid with a hazardous toy". #3 - If your kid licks a Chinese toy and dies, he'll just come back to life an hour later. #4 - Don't think of it as a toy recall. Think of it as God recalling your stupid kid. Had enough? Or did you want to OD on puns?

In a bit of sad news, game show legend Merv Griffin recently passed away. You see what happens when you're gay? You turn 82 and you die.

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New Shirts

It's time to hook up with our new shirts. Don't worry, I'm not Chris Hansen. We've added new shirts for all you students out there, because now that school is back in session, you realize that you'll probably want to get kicked out.

Our latest batch includes a shirt that shows the darkest moment in the history of Peanuts, and a shirt for anyone who has a complex relationship with alcohol. And by "complex relationship" I mean you drink it a lot. Check them out or you'll make God cry. Even more than that time he got raped in prison.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_082007_news.htm

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You think you're so fucking clever.

Just a friendly reminder to all of you people who are not my friends: We would love (tolerate) it if you would send us all your fucked up t-shirt ideas. It's a great way to earn $200 and 10 free shirts without doing all that annoying "work". And as long as your idea is original, even if it sucks, you already have a leg up on 95% of the retards who submit rape jokes that are 20 years old. It's incredibly easy and only takes a few seconds, so you can get right back to masturbating and eating cookie dough in no time. SUBMIT NOW!

http://www.tshirthell.com/ideas.htm


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Home runs are for pussies.It's only been a couple of weeks since Barry Bonds broke the most hallowed record in sports, but you can still feel the lack of excitement and indifference in the air. Along with Bonds becoming the all-time homerun king, some other important baseball milestones took place this month. First, Alex Rodriguez became the youngest player in history to hit 500 homeruns. And the very next day, Tom Glavine became only the 23rd pitcher to win 300 games.

But while those feats received the most attention, some other major accomplishments in sports went largely unnoticed. Here is a brief list.

Most rapes in a single off-season: Jackson Perry, Minnesota Vikings. After a slow start this off-season, Perry picked up the pace and zoomed to an amazing 27 rapes. Five more than the previous record of 22 rapes set in 1993 by Hall of Fame rapist Joe McKenzie of the Detroit Lions. When asked if he thought steroid use tainted this record, Perry raped the guy interviewing him.

Home runs are for pussies.Most consecutive days with a murder: Cliff Durant, Tennessee Titans. Durant murdered at least one person every day for six straight days. When asked to comment on the record, Durant had this to say. "I played hard...gave 110%...I just wanna thank God for giving me the strength to do this. I'd also like to thank my wife. Oh, wait...I killed her last Tuesday."

Fastest removal of evidence from a crime scene: Bobby Watson, St. Louis Cardinals. Watson collected and discarded of three bricks of cocaine, seven handguns, and two bloodstained nighties in an unprecedented 1 minute and 37 seconds.

Babies full of rabies!  Yes! Yes!Most illegitimate children: Jumaine Hamilton, Los Angeles Clippers. Hamilton shattered the previous mark of 112 illegitimate children set by Shawn Kemp in the late 90's. After all the paternity tests were in, Hamilton was proven to be the father of 147 bastard children. Sets of twins born in seven different states helped secure what should be his record for a long time to come.

Lastly, it is easy to forget since Barry Bonds just broke the most important record in sports, but he also set several other benchmarks recently. Included in his list of recent career achievements are Tiniest balls, Largest increase in head size, Most needle holes in ass, and Biggest douche.

I'd just like to offer my congratulations to all of our sports stars. You've given the rest of us something to believe in. The idea that we can do anything we set our minds to. The idea that teamwork can accomplish great things. But mostly, you've made us understand that if you can do something cool with a ball, you never have to face consequences.


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