Olympic Wrap-up: They're over and they sucked.
But hey, at least us Americans get to rub Michael Phelps in everyone's face. Phelps is truly an inspiration. He is proof that with years and years of hard work, a guy who looks mildly retarded can swim really fast.
Speaking of shit I don't care about...I guess I could finish that thought with anything. Anyway, summer vacation is over and all my mules are back in school. You little fuckers better be staying in practice. You swallow condoms filled with tapioca at lunchtime if you have to.
In world news, Russia recently invaded Georgia. Apparently Russia is running low on farm animals that have been raped and guys who can cook meth. Oh wait...wrong Georgia. I guess I just offended the one guy in Georgia who can read. My apologies, Governor Cletus.
Stampede Light Plus, a beer with vitamin additives, has signed Jessica Simpson to be the face of the company. And by "face" I mean "huge boobs."
Dave Matthews' Band saxophone player, Leroi Moore, passed away last week. Sad news, but at least he'll never have to listen to another Dave Matthews' song.
The presidential election is so close I can taste it. Well, I did just eat your mom's asshole, so maybe that's what I'm tasting. Either way, the election will be here very soon. I know you (I) don't care, but this a landmark election. For the first time in our country's history, we will have either an African-American president or a president who has torn my vagina (I told you that thermos wouldn't fit; I'm sending you a bill for seven stitches, J-Mac).
But what about the vice president? The Boo Boo to the president's Yogi, the Luigi to his Sonic the Hedgehog? I know, I know - if it's possible, you care even less about that. Nonetheless, there will be a vice president. And with the election just weeks away, the candidates have yet to pick their running mates. (Actually, by the time you're reading this, they probably have, but let's just pretend they haven't for the sake of the bit.)
Since I have no political leanings (at least not since the Mandatory Abortion/Hobo-Hunting Party disbanded), I would like to offer some promising choices for the office of Vice President to all the candidates.
Random Mexican guy - Not only would he do the job for one fifth the pay that a white candidate would, but since the vice president doesn't really do anything he would have plenty of time to maintain the White House lawn; further driving down taxpayer cost.
Satan - This one may seem odd, but think about it. People are going to vote their party regardless, so you may as well choose an undesirable VP to ensure you won't be assassinated. I mean, who wants to see President Satan? Other than my secret underground community.
Oprah - See above.
Jesus/a basket of puppies/ice cream/hot, naked lesbians - So Ralph Nader finally has a chance.
Candidate's clone - Anyone arrogant enough to think he knows what's best for 300 million people logically has no choice but to choose himself as a running mate. Moreover, they could say "fuck it" to term limits and remain in office forever.
A cheeseburger - Just because it would be awesome if in our lifetime the president ate the vice president.
Dick Cheney - Yeah, he's evil incarnate, I get it. But damn if my Halliburton stocks don't forgive him.
One of those cunts from "The Hills" - Who doesn't want to see the drama those girls would cause in the White House? "Lauren! You did NOT just call Heidi a bitch in the Oval Office! My generation is unforgivably ignorant. Tee-hee!"
Google - That fucker knows everything.
Ralph Nader - For fuck's sake, throw the guy a bone.
Osama bin Laden - It's so obvious, I can't believe no one has thought of this. It follows the old logic of "keep your enemies closer." If we employ him, why would he attack us? It simply wouldn't be in his best interest. Maybe he could even help us wipe out Al-Qaeda. Then Allah would show up and be like "What the hell, bro!?" And Osama would be like "Oh, I'm sorry, but it turns out a steady desk job and a house with a.c. and indoor plumbing is way better than hopping from cave to cave, you fucking dick! Take your 72 virgins and shove 'em up your curry-scented asshole, you cunt!" That is EXACTLY what would happen.
Random Jewish guy - Because the economy is in trouble, and you know how those people are with money. Right? Right, guys? DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM MY PUN!
Bob Barr - What's that? He's running for president? Jesus Christ, where the fuck do these guys come from? Could someone tell these assholes we like our candidates to be polar opposites so we can avoid unnecessary thinking and contemplation? Take your different ideas and go to Canada, hippie. You're scaring my daughter!
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I just opened an email from you and after reading just the first paragraph, I have to say that you are one of the most ignorant facist pigs I have ever had the misfortune of reading. Your comments about the elderly not being able to afford a/c so they die? You are an asshole and if I were to EVER meet up with you I would hold you down so the elderly could beat the hell out of you.
Editor's Note: It only took one paragraph? Sweet. Not a personal best, but still pretty good. One email I sent incited nearly two dozen people to call me "blasphemous" before they even got to the part about me stabbing Jesus in the cunt. Man, I was in the zone that day.
Anyway, misspelling aside, calling me "facist" makes absolutely no sense. Do you even know what fascism means? You can't just toss out any insulting adjective when someone upsets you. If I saw someone raping my mom I wouldn't be like "Ugly shoes!" Not that seeing my mom get raped would upset me, but you know what I mean.
Regarding your threat, apparently you've never seen my webpage. I get tied down and beaten by the elderly every Saturday night. They don't get the job done as quick as the midgets, but waiting a little longer just makes the orgasm that much stronger. See ya soon, Gertrude and Herb!
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From: Deborah K.
I was looking for new school cloths for my daughter so I googled "Tinkerbell shirts" and I was disgusted by your so-called humorous shirt "One in the Tink". I don't know how your legally able to use the likeness of such a beloved childrens' character, but I'm going to make someone at Disney aware of this and get you jerks sued.
Editor's Note: Before you make a complete idiot of yourself (again), allow me to set the record straight. The shirt you speak of has been fully licensed by the Disney Corporation and was even created by one of the lead animators on The Little Mermaid. He was the guy who made the castle tower look like a cock.
But wait, there's more! If you liked "One in the Tink" you're going to love our upcoming designs, including: Cumbo, The Cocks and the Hound, and Snow White and the Seven Teabags. And in case you were wondering, yes, those will be available in scratch & sniff.
Not the most creative lot, but if we can shit all over your childhood memories and/or scar your children for life, we've done our job.
P.S. - The hunter who shot Bambi's mom uses her body as a fuck doll and Aladdin licks his spooge out of Jasmine's asshole.
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From: Karl F.
when i first see this site my gut tells me i should like it because the shirts are funny and everything -- but when i actually see someone wearing this kind of stuff in public i'm weirded out -- because it is funny -- but people shouldn't be wearing it right out in front of everybody -- i don't think people should be having kids and society certainly coddles them to much -- but they still have the right not to be exposed to that -- even if i disagree with the life choices their parents made.
Editor's Note: Good point. Not particularly articulate, but well reasoned and perfectly logical. Having said that, kids are fucking assholes and I could give two shits if I'm violating their rights. In principle I completely agree with what you have to say. The only problem is that you are laboring under the delusion that kids are innocent. You're not stupid, just ignorant.
People are dicks and children are just a smaller version of us. You know who you're hoping to protect from the "cunts" and "fucks" on our shirts? A gang of little bastards who take turns throwing eggs at the retarded kid in class and tripping the fat one at recess.
So go ahead and do away with every dirty word on the planet if you'd like; just know that this "innocence" you're hoping to protect doesn't exist and it never has. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on my way to Lawson Hills Elementary School. What can I say, my illegal porn isn't going to make itself.
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From: Hilda J.
Could you guys just go away now? Seriously, it was a funny joke for a while, but its run its course about 5 times over now. No one will blame you if you just fade into that good night about 4 years too late.
Editor's Note: Hey, I hear that. Believe you me, I think we should've packed it up long ago. But mama owes a lot of money to some bad people, and as long as selling T-shirts with cum jokes on them allows me to keep my thumbs, that's exactly what I'm going to do.
The mistake you're making is applying your experience with our website to everyone. I don't think I'm assuming too much when I say you've been aware of us since our inception. Well, plenty of people weren't. What to you seems like Version #281 of the same old joke may be fresh and interesting for someone new to the site.
Woody Allen films would be a good comparison. People loved his early films, but as he has driven his style of humor into the ground, we've collectively grown tired of them. The only difference is that Woody Allen has always sucked. Hey, if I wanted to see a nervous Jew I'd look at my grandpa's old home videos from Dachau.
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The grass is always greener on the other side. So go kill that guy and steal his grass.