I WONT MIND IF PEOPLE THINK YOURE A SLUT
WANNA TRY THIS WITHOUT PANTS?
ALZHEIMERS PATIENTS FOR 9/11
I FUCKING LOVE TO CUDDLE
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
FUCKING CLASSY
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
I DIDNT COME HERE TO IMPRESS NONE OF YOU MOTHER FUCKERS
WHITE FLOUR!
MY LIFE IS A VERY COMPLICATED DRINKING GAME
I SHOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN
WARNING IF I WAKE UP WITH MARKER ON MY FACE I'LL STAB YOU
Torsopants

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

Olympic Wrap-up: They're over and they sucked.

But hey, at least us Americans get to rub Michael Phelps in everyone's face. Phelps is truly an inspiration. He is proof that with years and years of hard work, a guy who looks mildly retarded can swim really fast.

Speaking of shit I don't care about...I guess I could finish that thought with anything. Anyway, summer vacation is over and all my mules are back in school. You little fuckers better be staying in practice. You swallow condoms filled with tapioca at lunchtime if you have to.

In world news, Russia recently invaded Georgia. Apparently Russia is running low on farm animals that have been raped and guys who can cook meth. Oh wait...wrong Georgia. I guess I just offended the one guy in Georgia who can read. My apologies, Governor Cletus.

Stampede Light Plus, a beer with vitamin additives, has signed Jessica Simpson to be the face of the company. And by "face" I mean "huge boobs."

Dave Matthews' Band saxophone player, Leroi Moore, passed away last week. Sad news, but at least he'll never have to listen to another Dave Matthews' song.

long division

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The presidential election is so close I can taste it. Well, I did just eat your mom's asshole, so maybe that's what I'm tasting. Either way, the election will be here very soon. I know you (I) don't care, but this a landmark election. For the first time in our country's history, we will have either an African-American president or a president who has torn my vagina (I told you that thermos wouldn't fit; I'm sending you a bill for seven stitches, J-Mac).

But what about the vice president? The Boo Boo to the president's Yogi, the Luigi to his Sonic the Hedgehog? I know, I know - if it's possible, you care even less about that. Nonetheless, there will be a vice president. And with the election just weeks away, the candidates have yet to pick their running mates. (Actually, by the time you're reading this, they probably have, but let's just pretend they haven't for the sake of the bit.)

Since I have no political leanings (at least not since the Mandatory Abortion/Hobo-Hunting Party disbanded), I would like to offer some promising choices for the office of Vice President to all the candidates.

Random Mexican guy - Not only would he do the job for one fifth the pay that a white candidate would, but since the vice president doesn't really do anything he would have plenty of time to maintain the White House lawn; further driving down taxpayer cost.

Satan - This one may seem odd, but think about it. People are going to vote their party regardless, so you may as well choose an undesirable VP to ensure you won't be assassinated. I mean, who wants to see President Satan? Other than my secret underground community.

Oprah - See above.

Jesus/a basket of puppies/ice cream/hot, naked lesbians - So Ralph Nader finally has a chance.

Candidate's clone - Anyone arrogant enough to think he knows what's best for 300 million people logically has no choice but to choose himself as a running mate. Moreover, they could say "fuck it" to term limits and remain in office forever.

A cheeseburger - Just because it would be awesome if in our lifetime the president ate the vice president.

Dick Cheney - Yeah, he's evil incarnate, I get it. But damn if my Halliburton stocks don't forgive him.

One of those cunts from "The Hills" - Who doesn't want to see the drama those girls would cause in the White House? "Lauren! You did NOT just call Heidi a bitch in the Oval Office! My generation is unforgivably ignorant. Tee-hee!"

Google - That fucker knows everything.

Ralph Nader - For fuck's sake, throw the guy a bone.

Osama bin Laden - It's so obvious, I can't believe no one has thought of this. It follows the old logic of "keep your enemies closer." If we employ him, why would he attack us? It simply wouldn't be in his best interest. Maybe he could even help us wipe out Al-Qaeda. Then Allah would show up and be like "What the hell, bro!?" And Osama would be like "Oh, I'm sorry, but it turns out a steady desk job and a house with a.c. and indoor plumbing is way better than hopping from cave to cave, you fucking dick! Take your 72 virgins and shove 'em up your curry-scented asshole, you cunt!" That is EXACTLY what would happen.

Random Jewish guy - Because the economy is in trouble, and you know how those people are with money. Right? Right, guys? DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM MY PUN!

Bob Barr - What's that? He's running for president? Jesus Christ, where the fuck do these guys come from? Could someone tell these assholes we like our candidates to be polar opposites so we can avoid unnecessary thinking and contemplation? Take your different ideas and go to Canada, hippie. You're scaring my daughter!


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