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08/28/06

The End of August Thing

A couple anniversaries of note are in the headlines right now. First, it has been roughly one year since Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans. Also, December will mark the ten-year anniversary of the murder of Jonbenet Ramsey. To commemorate these events, I plan on doing the exact same things I did on the days they occurred. Laughing at the Weather Channel and killing a 6-year-old beauty queen in Colorado.

And in "nearly dead people" news, Gerald Ford was recently given a pacemaker and Fidel Castro is recovering from an intestinal ailment. I'd love to make light of this situation, but I'm a little depressed about the fact that I'm about to lose two thirds of my menage a trois.

On a completely unrelated note, a friend of mine is involved with a project that is about to be released. I have been forbidden by the US government to discuss it here, but it is sure to change your perception of Jesus forever. Unless your perception is that he's a transsexual gila monster addicted to opium. If that's the case, your perception of Jesus will remain forever unaltered. Click here to check it out.

http://www.magpictures.com/profile.aspx?id=07c96423-06b3-43c6-9c47-
64d782362b8e

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The Only Shirts That Make God AND the Devil Cry

We've got new shirts coming out of whichever orifice excretes new shirts. This time around we've got something for everyone. Which I only say because I assume everyone would like a shirt that depicts a beloved children's character committing suicide.

But just in case that's not your thing (which can't possibly be the case), we've got plenty more to choose from. Including a shirt for every guy that takes one for the team, even when he's the only one on the team. We've also got a shirt for everyone that needs Jesus and a gym membership in their lives. All those and plenty more. Enjoy.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_082806.htm
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Last Words - Other Than Those Cries for Help

Nearly ten years after the murder of Jonbenet Ramsey, the story is once again making headlines. John Mark Karr, a 41-year-old American teacher living in Bangkok, was recently detained by officials in Thailand and confessed to the killing of the 6-year-old beauty pageant contestant. Karr's confession has come under scrutiny, but nevertheless, the public's interest in this story was rekindled.

We may never truly know what happened that night, but the T-Shirt Hell news staff (me and a hobo on speed) recently discovered some materials that may help shed some light on the subject. We have obtained the diary of Jonbenet herself. It would be irresponsible of us to reveal the contents of said diary, but I'm going to do it anyway. Here it is, the final entry of Jonbenet Ramsey's diary, dated December 24, 1996. Read and decide for yourself.

"Dear diary,

I winned anuther beuty kontest yesturday. it wuz fun. I'm glad mommy makes me do those all the time. it makes mommy hapy and i like wen all the old men look all over my bodee. It makes me feel speshul. I also like wen the ladys in my dresing room make me pritty. Sumtimes i cry wen the ladys brush my hare so hard or thay get the makeup in my eye, but then i remeber that mommy says tears are for loosers.

thats why i'm glad i winned the kontest. mommy luvs me all the time, but she says she luvs me a litle bit more wen i win the kontest. she luvs me mor than dady i think. 1 time i only winned secnd plase and dady skreemed at me GURLS WHO WIN SECND PLASE DONT GET ANY POT ROSTE!!! Then dady throwed a can of pees at my hed and wint outside. mommy says he wint to see his hore.

Dadys frend mr karr tokked to me after the kontest in the dresing room. He always takes pikshures of me. even wen the kontest is ovur. he telled me i shuldnt tel anybudy abowt the pikshures or the bogyman will get me.

Krismas is tomarroe. i asked Santa to bring me a lok for my dor. that way i dont nede to be skared of dady wen he drinks to much of his speshul appel joose. i know 1 prezint i'm geting. mommy telled dady she wood giv me my prezint in the basment and then she klosed 1 eye at dady. i don't know what it will be, but i bet it will surpriz me.

mr karr says he nose wut mommy is geting me and thats why hes going to gorgea so he can hav an alleybye. Then he taked sum pikshures. he sed he wunted sum 1 last time befor it wuz to late. dady skreemed at mommy 1 time that he wants her to get obarean canser. dady has bin bad so i wil ask Santa to giv mommy obarean canser for him.

i'm going to bed now so Santa can get heer. This is going to be the best krismas ever!!!"

There you have it. The final words of Jonbenet Ramsey. I don't know how relevant it is to the case, but it certainly brought a smile to my face. Besides, in this day and age of global turmoil and domestic problems, isn't it nice to put those issues aside for a while and focus on the death of a 6-year-old girl who none of us knew that took place ten years ago? That might sound morbid to some, but to me it sounds...well, fucking morbid I guess. But what do I care? Sensationalism is more interesting than the actual news. God bless the media!
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Hate Is a Strong Word - But Not Strong Enough to Describe How I Feel About Albinos

-----Original Message-----

From: IanMc*** @ ***.com

Sent: Monday, July 10, 2006 1:04 PM

Subject: t shirt

I understand the fact that you sell some offensive yet funny t-shirts but the (i don't use condoms i let the aids kill the baby) one really upset me how can anyone find having aids or the death of a baby through aids funny in the slightest?

from a very hurt mum to be

(Editor's Note: Who said that shirt is supposed to be funny? That shirt was created for the sole purpose of raising AIDS awareness. If you read that shirt and thought it was supposed to be funny, that's your fault. I'm not going to censor myself just because freaky fuckers like you find AIDS and dead babies funny. I'm going to keep fighting the good fight, and if sick bastards like you find it funny, then so be it.

I'm also going to keep pushing my bill that will allow parents to choose between abortion and injecting their baby with AIDS. Sometimes even people that don't believe in abortion don't want to keep their baby and this will give them a great alternative to giving their child up for adoption.

Finally, based on the fact that you used the term "mum" and your e-mail address includes the name Ian, I'm going to assume that you're English. My apologies if you're not, but in case you are I'd like to address you one last time using your native slang. "Madam, you should swirl the bloody tuba [kill your unborn baby] because its mother is a floppy binger [retarded cunt]. Farewell and beat the dingo with a wally-jammer [eat my filthy snatch].)

-----Original Message-----

From: Avery A.

Sent: Monday, July 3, 2006, 1:25 AM

I hope you pulled that t-shirt saying "Arrest Black Babies before they become criminals." off the market. This kind of thing is just too offensive and will not be tolerated. Sure some t-shirts are funny but there comes a time when enough is enough.

(Editor's Note: By "will not be tolerated" do you mean a few dumbasses will send us e-mails and we'll go about our business as usual? If that's what you meant then you're right. Perhaps for the first time in your life. Unless you've ever called yourself a stupid bitch.

Anyway, since I can't insult this guy any better than his existence already does, I am going to, instead, introduce you to the T-Shirt Hell Hatemail Drinking Game.

The rules are simple. You take one shot every time you spot an error in grammar or punctuation (whether or not you want to include any mistakes I make, I leave up to you). You take two shots when someone says most of our shirts are okay, but they have a problem with one in particular. And lastly, you take three shots any time the person writing the hatemail is a dumbass.

It is at this time I'd like to inform you that T-Shirt Hell will not be held responsible if you or anyone you know succumbs to alcohol poisoning. Also, you can substitute heroin for alcohol.)

-----Original Message-----

From: gabe r.

Sent: Wednesday, July 12, 2006 6:29 AM

Subject: E-mail

Your guys' e-mail server sucks somethin' fierce. I can login MAYBE twice a week without it fucking up. I had to make this email address just send this worthless piece of shit to you. Hate your email server. Love your shirts, though. That is all.

(Yes, I realize that the FREE email server on a T-SHIRT company's website will most likely be shit, but you can't blame me for being stubborn.)

(Editor's Note: Actually, yes, I can blame you for being stubborn. I can also blame you for being a fucking idiot. I've never been a fan of e-mails that end with a statement that undermines the main point of the e-mail. I understand and appreciate the initial complaint, but once you recognize the flaw in your logic, you just drop it.

This isn't like when you're talking to someone and you realize that what you're saying is ignorant, so you say "never mind." You can't unsay something you just said, but you don't have to send an e-mail if you realize it's stupid before you send it. If you're having trouble understanding, look at the next paragraph for an example.

"Gabe, you're smart and cool. It seems like you spend your time doing worthwhile things and you have a very rich life. Wait...you actually seem like a stupid twat whose only value to this world is the organs you can donate once you die." See, I could've just deleted the initial statement to save room, time and face, but I negated my initial statement and revealed to the reader not only that I was wrong, but that I don't even know how to use a backspace key. Anyway, thanks for giving us some input as to what our mentally challenged fans want.)

-----Original Message-----

From: homebydaa**** @ ***.com

Sent: Tuesday, July 18, 2006 10:05 AM

Subject: (no subject)

You guys are sick. No thanks.

(Editor's Note: See, this guy is smart about it. I mean, as smart as you can be when you're sending an e-mail that serves no purpose. Not only does a short e-mail save the sender and the receiver of the e-mail some time and effort, it also gives us very little ammunition to attack with.

The longer you go on the more likely you are to make mistakes and reveal the depth of your ignorance. And by leaving the complaint vague and generalized he greatly reduces his chances of showing us WHY he's an idiot. We know he's an idiot, but for what reason? Ignorance? Hypocrisy? There's no way of knowing.

So to all you people out there who want to send in complaints about t-shirts, just take a note from Mr. X here. Just write "Me retarded, shirts bad" and be done with it. See you later, sports fans. Sports means sodomy, right?)
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...And They All Lived Happily in My Basement for Roughly Five Minutes

Some people see the glass as half empty. Others see it as half full. And me? I'm just wondering why Candice Bergen peed in my glass.

Peace