Although most of us consider astrology to be only slightly less ridiculous than Scientology or Indians; there are those among us who actually believe horoscopes, via the position of celestial bodies, predict an individual's future based on when they were born. This is preposterous.

The stars care nothing about arbitrary nonsense like birthdays. The stars are judgmental assholes and map out our futures based on obvious and superficial differences. Below are horoscopes based on your actual signs, not that supermarket bullshit that's been shoved down your throat.

Fagittarius (Homosexuals) - You will suck big fat cocks every day this week. You will choke down man-seed as you struggle for breath. Aforementioned cocks will also be forced into your anus. What? You're into that?! Wow... The stars thought they were being really cruel.

Jewmini (Jews) - As the German army continues to roll over Europe, you will be rounded up - Oh... This is embarrassing. The stars were just looking over their charts and realized they're getting this to you about 75 years too late. Sorry, there are just so many people to keep track of... No, no excuses. To make it up to you, the stars will allow you to continue controlling the media.

Blaquarius (Black people) - Kippin'on the nay-nay. Skronch with the wally-bips. You needa plonk on Sassie's fotey-milks. You go to bildin, the b-man gon get peeny-whopped. (The stars have no idea what your future holds. A black hole the stars spoke to said you'd understand this.)

Mongo (Retards) - This week, you will- HEY! Stop staring at that pigeon and pay attention. As I was saying, this wee- Get your finger out of there! Are you sniffing your own... No way... you are not going to lick- OH MY GOD! That is beyond nasty! What're you doing?! No, don't hug me! Oh man... The stars are gonna go shower for a couple days.

Dwarfio (Midgets) - You will- HA HA HA HA! Look at your little legs! HA HA HA HA! Oh man... Okay, I need to catch my breath... Whew... Okay, okay... For real this time. This week holds great- HA HA HA! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I could do it. Oh man. Okay, seriously, I've got your fortune. It's up on top of that cabinet. HA HA HA!

Leold (Elderly) - You will be in pain all week. You will watch nothing but TV Land and FOX News. One of your children will call you and engage in polite chat because it's his or her turn. Now I'm depressed; fucking thanks a lot. The stars are going to put you out of our misery next Tuesday.

Cripricorn (Handicapped) - As usual, the stars haven't made a prediction for Cripricorn. That's because they only make predictions for humans, and the handicapped are more like the shell of a former human. But I guess I'll throw you a bone: You're in retrograde. Not that you can feel it.

Obesces (Fat people) - A new business venture will be- You're not even paying attention, are you? You're just sitting there punishing gravity and thinking of bacon-covered cookies and cheese-stuffed cheese. You'd be hard-pressed to find someone lazier than me, but at least I don't couple that with eating one of everything at the Cracker Barrel. Anyway, your lucky numbers are Kill and Yourself.

Shebra (Women) - You will cross paths with a former love and an unexpected windfall will come your way. Why would I lie about that? Look, let's not do this in front of all these people. When we get home we can have a rationa- Yes, I would like to discuss this, just not here! I've gone out of my way to make you happy, but I'm not going to apologize for something I never sa- OH YOU CUNT!

Poorus (Homeless) - There's a big difference between what SHOULD happen to you and what WILL happen to you. You SHOULD crawl into an incinerator, so even after your death you won't cause any problems for our functioning society. What WILL happen is you will continue to cause the rest of us guilt/disgust and you will keep making my walk to the office awkward and stench-filled.

Matricorn (Married people) - Remember every week for the past few years? That's this week's prediction.

Honquarius (White people) - You will feel an intense and suffocating sense of paranoia all week. The stars cannot explain this, but you will feel like everyone and everything is out to attack you and your way of life. It won't make any difference, but the stars would like to reassure you that no one gives a shit about you and very few people even acknowledge your existence. BOO!

Yelleo (Asians) - Oh, look who's come crawling to the stars to predict the future. I thought you people had Confucius and fortune cookies and rats and tigers to do that for you. You expect me to help you just because your ancient wisdom turned out to be a bunch of horseshit? Wrong! I predict you can suck the stars' hairy asshole!

Hispisces (Hispanics) - Sorry, but the stars are unable to make a prediction for you. They can't seem to find the documentation for your specific energy. Didn't you register with the Celestial Naturalization Service? No? You better leave. We don't need your aura dirtying up our clean, wholesome aura.

Christtarius (Christians) - Keeping alive his amazing streak, Jesus will continue to not return for some reason. And even though it won't seem like it from your perspective, you will definitely bother your co-workers. You don't believe me? Okay, instead of an astrological sign, pretend this started with "Ezekiel 12:19". Everything's true when it's a Bible verse!

Cancer (People from the South) - Life in your bubble will continue unabated. Twinkies, jerky, beer, guns and fuckin' will continue to be the peak of civilization because you won't allow in external stimuli. Also, a black guy will fuck your daughter.

(Note: I realize with a little effort any astrological sign can be a gay joke, but I had to settle on one. I'll leave the rest to you. Taurus = Tore-ass, and so on. Good homophobing!)

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With the economy dying a slow death, countless troops stuck in Afghanistan and society in general circling the drain, I'm about laughed out. But I figure the rest of you could use a good chuckle right about now. So I have decided to do you the service of pleasuring your funny bones. I'm gonna rub that dirty bone up and down until those salty laughs fly right out of your mouth. For this installment, I have decided to go with "What do you get when you cross a ___ with a ___?" jokes. Enjoy.

What do you get when you cross a guy who has a 10-inch cock with a black slut?

I don't know, I keep getting the abortion.

What do you get when you cross a fat person with another fat person?

The South.

What do you get when you cross a man from Kenya with a woman from Kansas?

Depends on which version of gullible you are, but ultimately, nothing much.

What do you get when you cross a midget with a platypus?

No idea, but if I ever see it I'll know prayer works.

What do you get when you cross wheat bread with whatever was in that petri dish?

I think I need my stomach pumped.

What do you get when you cross a white woman with a black guy?

Something a white guy ends up raising. "I don't know why his hair is like that, honey."

What do you get when you cross a cross with a pussy?

Christianity! [zany sound indicating punch line]

What do you get when you cross a hillbilly with a possum?

His name is Clem. He lives in a shed, eats nothing but peanuts and hisses at fire.

What do you get when you cross a professional athlete with a stripper?

A rape charge that falls apart upon cross-examination.

What do you get when you cross a puppy with a microwave?

A microwave that messes on the rug! (Sorry for the pun, but the actual answer would get me arrested.)

What do you get when you cross hip-hop with any other musical genre?

A shitty version of that second genre. C'mon, you've heard it.

What do you get when you cross a spoon with a fork?

An abomination. Pretty soon there won't be any pure-blooded spoons left in this country. Get the truck, Merle. It's time for some fork draggin'!

What do you get when you cross a cell phone with a camera?

Millions of broken promises to drunk girls and the most important communication tool in mankind's history reduced to a storage unit for titty pictures.

What do you get when you cross a tampon with a badger?

I'm not sure, but I accidentally made it.

What do you get when you cross Coldplay with a robot?

A robot that sucks. A robot that will not stop sucking. Even years after everyone knows this robot sucks, the robot will just keep sucking. You try to ignore the robot, you pray the robot will go away, but this sucking robot pervades society in such a way that it can't be avoided. For the love of humanity: Someone please destroy this robot.

What do you get when you cross Dane Cook with fire?

Finally, a funny version of Dane Cook.

What do you get when you cross sperm with an egg?

Alcoholism, divorce, resentment... There are many answers, yet none of them feel right.

What do you get when you cross modern technology with America's youth?

Firsties! I wanted firsties! Meh. Ninjas pirates zombies vampires - lol!!! How much longer 'til I die?

What do you get when you cross a bed with a couch?

A futon. I just needed to fill some more space.

What do you get when you cross you with a fucking asshole?

A redundancy. That was a strong finish.

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[Done - Where's the Tissue?]

All the world's a stage, and I'm the person saying "This play fucking sucks."