Computer Power Test




Labor Day is coming up next week. I'm usually a big fan of this holiday, but I'm not looking forward to it this year. You just know all those unemployed people will go to the lake and have cookouts ironically. Damn homeless hipsters.

A recent change to Wikipedia has made it more difficult to post false information. I read that on Wikipedia, so it's probably bullshit.

Heidi Montag is featured in this month's issue of Playboy. And for the first time in the history of Playboy, Playboy models feel cheap. "Sure, you can take pictures of my cooter. Who's in this issue? (shudder) Maybe I can get my job back at Tony's blowjob van."

Celine Dion is pregnant. My initial reaction was "Someone fucked Celine Dion?" and that thought was immediately followed by "A man can get pregnant?"

Jessica Biel was recently named the web's most dangerous celeb, since searches for the actress often lead to online viruses and spam. Kind of ironic, since the Internet comes from her ass. Have you seen that thing? I'm pretty sure that's where we go when we die.

President Obama just wrapped up a vacation on Martha's Vineyard. This was supposed to be a chance for Obama to unwind, but it was really stressful. Every time he fucked Michelle she would start shouting "I WANT MY ORGASM BACK!" What if that really happened? That'd be nutty.

Jon and Ka -- Weird... My computer wouldn't let me continue that sentence. It looks like artificial intelligence is finally here. Good thing, too. Since humans shed their intelligence in the year 2000 it was important for machines to pick up the ball and run with it. Must...text...Josh...about...socks.

Comments (8) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Mox  09/01/09 10:23 pm
Though I cannot stand that cunt Heidi, I'm game for seeing any and all tits in the world (even the dripping flap-jack geriatric things on old ladies). At least Heidi seems to have some pretty nice (albeit, fake) teetahs. Cheers and keep up the amazing work!

Lt. Commander Data  09/02/09 12:32 am
Fake tits suck. I will be as Diogenes and search in the bright of the day with my lantern for an honest set of nice natural titties. I have seen some, actually, but they usually dump me after 2-3 fondling sessions. As for Doh!Bama, his health insurance plan, if it's to be mandatory, needs to include coverage for breast -reduction- surgery. I am sick of seeing natural DD's that look like something grafted from a cow...

mark  09/02/09 1:28 pm
can you make the pic's in the email down-loadable, i need to add the one of that taint to my girlfriends folder

Death Magnetic  09/02/09 6:35 pm
Goddamn! Jerry Lewis looks like Jabba The Hut!! Is nothing sacred?!?!?!

J. (Josh) DM  09/04/09 2:28 am
I'm Josh & I didn't get your socks text. It would appear the machines are either lazy, incompetent, anti-semitic, or maybe it's just that no one likes me... I like the idea of the dumb, lazy, Jew-hating robot better, but I think Walt Disney already has a patent on that. I may never know... or ever care again...

ME  09/04/09 8:26 pm
It must have been weird to have Obama at Martha's Vineyard. They haven't had any slaves their since the Civil War. I bet he and Michelle were kept busy taking care of them rich white folk.

Michelle  09/06/09 4:49 pm
Barak always does it on his back--because all he can do is fuck UP.

JoKer  09/12/09 2:01 pm
that taint be jerry, say it taint

long division


picture 1Although most of us consider astrology to be only slightly less ridiculous than Scientology or Indians; there are those among us who actually believe horoscopes, via the position of celestial bodies, predict an individual's future based on when they were born. This is preposterous.

The stars care nothing about arbitrary nonsense like birthdays. The stars are judgmental assholes and map out our futures based on obvious and superficial differences. Below are horoscopes based on your actual signs, not that supermarket bullshit that's been shoved down your throat.

Fagittarius (Homosexuals) - You will suck big fat cocks every day this week. You will choke down man-seed as you struggle for breath. Aforementioned cocks will also be forced into your anus. What? You're into that?! Wow... The stars thought they were being really cruel.

Jewmini (Jews) - As the German army continues to roll over Europe, you will be rounded up - Oh... This is embarrassing. The stars were just looking over their charts and realized they're getting this to you about 75 years too late. Sorry, there are just so many people to keep track of... No, no excuses. To make it up to you, the stars will allow you to continue controlling the media.

Blaquarius (Black people) - Kippin'on the nay-nay. Skronch with the wally-bips. You needa plonk on Sassie's fotey-milks. You go to bildin, the b-man gon get peeny-whopped. (The stars have no idea what your future holds. A black hole the stars spoke to said you'd understand this.)pic 2

Mongo (Retards) - This week, you will- HEY! Stop staring at that pigeon and pay attention. As I was saying, this wee- Get your finger out of there! Are you sniffing your own... No way... you are not going to lick- OH MY GOD! That is beyond nasty! What're you doing?! No, don't hug me! Oh man... The stars are gonna go shower for a couple days.

Dwarfio (Midgets) - You will- HA HA HA HA! Look at your little legs! HA HA HA HA! Oh man... Okay, I need to catch my breath... Whew... Okay, okay... For real this time. This week holds great- HA HA HA! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I could do it. Oh man. Okay, seriously, I've got your fortune. It's up on top of that cabinet. HA HA HA!

Leold (Elderly) - You will be in pain all week. You will watch nothing but TV Land and FOX News. One of your children will call you and engage in polite chat because it's his or her turn. Now I'm depressed; fucking thanks a lot. The stars are going to put you out of our misery next Tuesday.

picture 1Cripricorn (Handicapped) - As usual, the stars haven't made a prediction for Cripricorn. That's because they only make predictions for humans, and the handicapped are more like the shell of a former human. But I guess I'll throw you a bone: You're in retrograde. Not that you can feel it.

Obesces (Fat people) - A new business venture will be- You're not even paying attention, are you? You're just sitting there punishing gravity and thinking of bacon-covered cookies and cheese-stuffed cheese. You'd be hard-pressed to find someone lazier than me, but at least I don't couple that with eating one of everything at the Cracker Barrel. Anyway, your lucky numbers are Kill and Yourself.

Shebra (Women) - You will cross paths with a former love and an unexpected windfall will come your way. Why would I lie about that? Look, let's not do this in front of all these people. When we get home we can have a rationa- Yes, I would like to discuss this, just not here! I've gone out of my way to make you happy, but I'm not going to apologize for something I never sa- OH YOU CUNT!

Poorus (Homeless) - There's a big difference between what SHOULD happen to you and what WILL happen to you. You SHOULD crawl into an incinerator, so even after your death you won't cause any problems for our functioning society. What WILL happen is you will continue to cause the rest of us guilt/disgust and you will keep making my walk to the office awkward and stench-filled.

Matricorn (Married people) - Remember every week for the past few years? That's this week's prediction.

Honquarius (White people) - You will feel an intense and suffocating sense of paranoia all week. The stars cannot explain this, but you will feel like everyone and everything is out to attack you and your way of life. It won't make any difference, but the stars would like to reassure you that no one gives a shit about you and very few people even acknowledge your existence. BOO!

Yelleo (Asians) - Oh, look who's come crawling to the stars to predict the future. I thought you people had Confucius and fortune cookies and rats and tigers to do that for you. You expect me to help you just because your ancient wisdom turned out to be a bunch of horseshit? Wrong! I predict you can suck the stars' hairy asshole!

Hispisces (Hispanics) - Sorry, but the stars are unable to make a prediction for you. They can't seem to find the documentation for your specific energy. Didn't you register with the Celestial Naturalization Service? No? You better leave. We don't need your aura dirtying up our clean, wholesome aura.your mom

Christtarius (Christians) - Keeping alive his amazing streak, Jesus will continue to not return for some reason. And even though it won't seem like it from your perspective, you will definitely bother your co-workers. You don't believe me? Okay, instead of an astrological sign, pretend this started with "Ezekiel 12:19". Everything's true when it's a Bible verse!

Cancer (People from the South) - Life in your bubble will continue unabated. Twinkies, jerky, beer, guns and fuckin' will continue to be the peak of civilization because you won't allow in external stimuli. Also, a black guy will fuck your daughter.

(Note: I realize with a little effort any astrological sign can be a gay joke, but I had to settle on one. I'll leave the rest to you. Taurus = Tore-ass, and so on. Good homophobing!)

Comments (14) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Southern Cancer  09/01/09 2:13 pm
Nuthin better than twinkies, jerky, beer, guns and fuckin'! But thank God I don't have a daughter!

Maxx  09/01/09 5:37 pm
My girlfriend is a sagicrabbyass.

Jen  09/01/09 6:16 pm
I read most of that, but kept coming back to the cheese stuffed cheese. Where do you get that? Yes I am fat. Now please tell me.

llcoolgel  09/01/09 11:41 pm
What about Virgos.... Was it Yellow? Man I wish I had a sign that rhymed with cunt-fart...

Lt. Commander Data  09/02/09 12:42 am
I'm from the South. I don't care too much for Twinkies, rarely eat jerky, do not have intercourse with any female members of my family, dislike beer and NASCAR, do not use tobacco, and have -no- Southern accent. I have heard rumors that others like me exist in the South. Never have met one, though.

By the way, you all have it messed up... Cripricorn is NOT the handicappers' sign! It's the gang sign! *flashes six fingers curled in some stupid pattern* Why do you think so many people in S Central LA were born about the same time of the year? Blood, Crip, MS-13, doesn't matter... they're all Cripricorns. I want you to apologize to Stephen Hawking immediately before you steal his voice machine!

Mille  09/02/09 1:09 am
Lt. Commander Data - You don't have sex with any female members of your family?? So you only have sex with the males?

What?  09/02/09 11:09 am
Mille - if you find out he does...ask him how I can be adopted.

Also where's Hebra and Manries? Dudes need horoscopes too.

California Jazz  09/02/09 5:24 pm
Score! You've managed to insult the complete spectrum of humanity. The hat trick of hat tricks, I think. Loved the whole bunch!

Lt. Commander Data  09/02/09 5:57 pm
Nor do I have sex with the male members of my family, tyvm for noticing that omission. Nor do I plow animals, algae, mushrooms, watermelons, cantaloupes, honeydews, or anything else like that. I stick to straight members of the opposite sex who come from outside my family... well, I can get a fantasy fulfilled by sucking a cow's udder, but that's irrelevant... :D

Death Magnetic  09/02/09 6:45 pm
I hate fat people.

Entertainted  09/06/09 11:03 pm
Wow, where can I start? How about a quote from good ol George Carlin! It's only fitting:
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

Truer words have never been said...

schmeah  09/08/09 11:32 am
My favorite part was :Cancer (People from the South)
I peed a little.

SuckMahClock  09/12/09 3:13 am
Cheese-filled cheese. Awesome.

JoKer  09/12/09 2:06 pm
I would rather have homer's waffle



picture 1With the economy dying a slow death, countless troops stuck in Afghanistan and society in general circling the drain, I'm about laughed out. But I figure the rest of you could use a good chuckle right about now. So I have decided to do you the service of pleasuring your funny bones. I'm gonna rub that dirty bone up and down until those salty laughs fly right out of your mouth. For this installment, I have decided to go with "What do you get when you cross a ___ with a ___?" jokes. Enjoy.

What do you get when you cross a guy who has a 10-inch cock with a black slut?

I don't know, I keep getting the abortion.

What do you get when you cross a fat person with another fat person?

The South.

What do you get when you cross a man from Kenya with a woman from Kansas?

Depends on which version of gullible you are, but ultimately, nothing much.

What do you get when you cross a midget with a platypus?

No idea, but if I ever see it I'll know prayer works.

What do you get when you cross wheat bread with whatever was in that petri dish?

I think I need my stomach pumped.your mom

What do you get when you cross a white woman with a black guy?

Something a white guy ends up raising. "I don't know why his hair is like that, honey."

What do you get when you cross a cross with a pussy?

Christianity! [zany sound indicating punch line]

What do you get when you cross a hillbilly with a possum?

His name is Clem. He lives in a shed, eats nothing but peanuts and hisses at fire.

What do you get when you cross a professional athlete with a stripper?

A rape charge that falls apart upon cross-examination.

What do you get when you cross a puppy with a microwave?

A microwave that messes on the rug! (Sorry for the pun, but the actual answer would get me arrested.)

What do you get when you cross hip-hop with any other musical genre?

A shitty version of that second genre. C'mon, you've heard it.

What do you get when you cross a spoon with a fork?

picture 1An abomination. Pretty soon there won't be any pure-blooded spoons left in this country. Get the truck, Merle. It's time for some fork draggin'!

What do you get when you cross a cell phone with a camera?

Millions of broken promises to drunk girls and the most important communication tool in mankind's history reduced to a storage unit for titty pictures.

What do you get when you cross a tampon with a badger?

I'm not sure, but I accidentally made it.

What do you get when you cross Coldplay with a robot?

A robot that sucks. A robot that will not stop sucking. Even years after everyone knows this robot sucks, the robot will just keep sucking. You try to ignore the robot, you pray the robot will go away, but this sucking robot pervades society in such a way that it can't be avoided. For the love of humanity: Someone please destroy this robot.

What do you get when you cross Dane Cook with fire?

Finally, a funny version of Dane Cook.

What do you get when you cross sperm with an egg?your mom

Alcoholism, divorce, resentment... There are many answers, yet none of them feel right.

What do you get when you cross modern technology with America's youth?

Firsties! I wanted firsties! Meh. Ninjas pirates zombies vampires - lol!!! How much longer 'til I die?

What do you get when you cross a bed with a couch?

A futon. I just needed to fill some more space.

What do you get when you cross you with a fucking asshole?

A redundancy. That was a strong finish.

Comments (19) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Blake  09/01/09 12:55 pm

Meri Blankenship  09/01/09 1:57 pm
Great! and you don't suck...But I'd bet you'll blow!!!

zach  09/01/09 4:38 pm
What do you get when you cross a white woman with a black guy?
Something a white guy ends up raising.
funny but true keep up the awesone work

Maxx  09/01/09 5:47 pm
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a train?
Feathers all over the track.

Lt. Commander Data  09/02/09 12:49 am
When you cross a black anything with a White anything, you get the fecal end of both merged into one. When you cross a black guy with a White woman, you get a lousy occupant of the Oval Office; a high-yaller McDonald's employee; or the offspring of Michael Jackson (and he wasn't black, so...)

When you cross a black woman with a White man, you have a sissy of a man and a crop-wielding ho, unless the girl happens to be Halle Berry or Stacey Dash or Rae Dawn Chong (Soul Man, Commando). And trust me, it isn't one of them...

john  09/02/09 12:54 am
is there somebody els writing the newsletters lately? just to let you know i used to laugh all of the time at the funny shit that would be written on the hate mails.. i havn't seen hate mail in a good while and i thought that was the funniest part because you were just an ignorant fuck to them. when i was reading the what do you get when you cross jokes i only kept reading them hoping that the next one would be funny.. but by the end of that shit it never came. You fucks.

Lt. Commander Data  09/02/09 12:58 am
Damn, nearly forgot: black man, White woman combo also yields a mixed Theotis "Ted" Kennedy who drowns his #1 hooker in the neighbors' swimming pool after driving her and himself into said pool in his Hummer. This after he got drunk on a 6-pack of King Cobra and two bottles of Thunderbird... he also ruins his red pimp suit. Then, he goes home and makes his other girls work doubles so he can turn himself in, public defender in tow, post bail, and get off with a $1000 fine because the judge is one of his best customers...

I'd BETTER see some Ted Kennedy threads pronto, S. Megatron... don't make me slap you with another rich White people's tax on your luxury yacht...

T.I.B.S.  09/02/09 2:38 pm
Fuck I miss hate mail.

Death Magnetic  09/02/09 6:59 pm
Hahahahahahahaha!!! The cell phone/camera/titty picture thing I can TOTALLY relate to. I've done that on numerous occasions.

Jon Keith  09/03/09 10:57 am
LT. Cmndr Data - The Klan (aka GOP) called - you're embarrassing them. Please go back to fucking your little sister.

jeff gilman  09/03/09 11:12 am
What's the difference between a fag and a refrigerator? refrigerator does'nt fart when you pull the meat out

J. DM  09/04/09 2:42 am
Here's hoping that the Coldplay robot & the robot mentioned in my 1st comment end up as part of a great murder-suicide. (I know "great" & "murder-suicide" are redundant, but this would extra great.)

Merle  09/04/09 4:10 pm
LOL I love seeing my name in print!

Ass Hole Poop  09/04/09 10:07 pm
Please stop lying Death Magnetic

Iman Azol  09/05/09 9:22 am
Keith: We don't want that retarded trekkie. He can go back to holding Klan Rallies with his right hand, so to speak--signed: Sister Fuckers of America (AKA the Democrats)

Blake: How speshul! You wuz furst on TSH! You can have your third grade sister put that in your resume for McDonald's for you.

Ted Kennedy from the grave  09/06/09 5:02 pm
They're gonna name that health care bill about me: Chappaquiddick Health Care--we won't leave you underwater.

And, yeah, you need to bring back the hate mail. However you need some more hateable shirts, first.

JoKer  09/12/09 2:15 pm
redundancy, what a pretty rainbow or is that the oil off the water reflecting , black penguines hahahahaha

sengmengida  09/20/09 11:31 pm
what do you get when you cross a Marine with a Filipino hooker?
I don't know, I always kick them in stomach afterwards.
What do you get when you cross a whoremonger with a lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton.
What do you get when you cross sleeping pills with Flintstone vitamins?
What do you get when you cross the Mason Dixon going North?

Oh, and Lt Commander Data: My half-black kid will kick your ass in twenty years.

Daniel  11/22/09 4:08 pm
haha dane cook on fire now i would buy that DVD and watch it over and over again

joy division

[Done - Where's the Tissue?]

All the world's a stage, and I'm the person saying "This play fucking sucks."