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newsfromhell


It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing
KA-CHOW!


Did everyone have a good Labor Day? What's that? You're right. There is no possible way I could know what you just answered. ONTO THE NEWS!

Billionaire Leona Helmsley recently passed away and left her dog $12 million. Great. The day I find out there's a dog with $12 million is the day I find out Michael Vick has stopped killing dogs. Damn the hand of fate!

Owen Wilson, star of three good movies and twenty shitty ones, is recovering from a recent suicide attempt. Sounds like his next movie will be "Wedding SLASHERS!" No? How about "Seppuku and Hutch?" Just as bad? I got it. How about an animated movie? It'll be called "Cars...Who Try to Kill Themselves Because They're Dead Inside." Fuck this. I'm gonna go hang myself.

In political news, Idaho Senator Larry Craig has come under fire for attempting to engage in a homosexual act with an undercover officer in an airport bathroom. Despite pleading guilty, the senator now claims he did nothing wrong and is not gay. Now I'm no definitionologist, but I think that being guilty means you're guilty, and being gay means you're gay. Having said that, I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, what's the point of being a politician if you can't get away with sucking off strangers in airports? I thought this was America, not You-can't-proposition-gay-sex-in-airports-istan.

Lastly, both 50 Cent's and Kanye West's new albums drop next week. 50 Cent (aka Curtis Jackson, aka stereotype enforcer) has claimed that if West outsells him that he will retire. And while the whole thing reeks of publicity stunt, I'd like to encourage all of you to go out and buy Kanye's album. If I can help put one more black man out of work I'll feel like I've done my job.

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New Shirts

Monday was Labor Day, but never fear. Just because it was a national holiday established to honor American workers doesn't mean the 8-year-olds in our factory got the day off. Little Chiyo, Akashi and Leroy (damn slave-labor affirmative-action) were hard at work to bring you our new shirts.

Whether you're stuck in the middle of a never-ending drinking game or you rikey your kid to have the tastiest toys money can buy, we've got the shirt for you. If that's not incentive enough to check out these shirts, here's another bit of info you may find interesting. You can wear them.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_090307_news.htm

long division

You think you're so fucking clever.

New Shirts

As if the prize for submitting a t-shirt idea wasn't already awesome enough, we've decided to up the reward money to $500 while still offering the 10 free shirts. You've done nothing to deserve this, but we're extremely generous to people with no morals. And if you think you have no shot at winning, check out the kind of nonsense we receive hundreds of times a day that you'll be competing with.

A kid with his back turned towards us, looking back sitting in the tub and a gi joe flying in the air (kid using his unit as a diving board to fling the real American hero) i now i was not the only one who did this. - Submitted by Joe W.

So there's your competition. You couldn't ask for better odds if you were on steroids in the Special Olympics. The only thing we ask is that your idea be ORIGINAL. I cannot stress that enough. Original means straight out of your head. You can't just take something from another medium and apply it to a shirt. That means no old jokes, no bumper sticker phrases, no lines you heard on the TV, no internet catchphrases, no movie quotes. It must be a 100% product of your mind. Not just someone else's creativity applied to a shirt. Even this guy's idea, as retarded as it is, stands a better shot than 90% of what we get for the simple that it is ORIGINAL.

I know taking an extra 30 seconds to think of your own idea rather than stealing someone else's is a lot to ask, but I think the $500 and 10 free shirts are well worth it. Good luck and happy genitals.

http://www.tshirthell.com/ideas.htm


long division


Bullets are shaped like tiny brass penises.As a goddamn lesbian, I feel more qualified than all of you slorps (that's what we call straight people) to comment on how all us dirty homos are ruining the country, and the world at large. Everyone knows that the gays are at the center of all the world's problems, but I can offer insight that all you penis-into-vagina sex-makers don't have.

For instance, I happen to know that the mess in Iraq can be traced directly to the homosexual community. Both the well-informed and the ill-informed would have you believe that this quagmire is the product of an incompetent, corrupt and stubborn administration, but as a dyke I know better. I know that thousands of soldiers are dead and thousands more wounded because I like that sweet poon. Sorry about that.

We're also responsible for global warming. These pinhead liberals like to suggest that greedy executives have accelerated global warming by preventing the advancement of alternative fuel and power sources, but that's simply not the case. The ice caps are melting because that uncle that no one talks about likes to take it in the butt. Plain and simple.

Bullets are shaped like tiny brass penises.Same goes for every other problem. Illegal immigration? Ellen DeGeneres. Poverty? Elton John. Autism? Ryan Seacrest. The list goes on. If there's a problem, you can be sure it was caused by a couple of queers gettin' it on.

That is why I understand the government denying us rights. Consider it a case of "Help us help ourselves". Keep us out of the military, don't let us get married, do whatever it takes to stamp out this plague of carpet-munchery. The government has enabled us enough by simply allowing us to remain alive.

Of course, there is the possibility that I'm wrong. Maybe gay people haven't caused any of these problems. Maybe if we all had the same rights it wouldn't affect your pathetic little life in any way, shape or form. If that's the case, I'd like to suggest that you aim your anger right back to where it truly belongs, to the group that we know is the actual cause of society's ills - the blacks. Wait...I'm one of those too. Fuck!

Note: Anyone about to mention AIDS in the comments can save it. We heard that ignorant bullshit when your Michelob-fueled dad/brother said it 20 years ago.


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