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newsfromhell


It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing
KA-CHOW!


Did everyone have a good Labor Day? What's that? You're right. There is no possible way I could know what you just answered. ONTO THE NEWS!

Billionaire Leona Helmsley recently passed away and left her dog $12 million. Great. The day I find out there's a dog with $12 million is the day I find out Michael Vick has stopped killing dogs. Damn the hand of fate!

Owen Wilson, star of three good movies and twenty shitty ones, is recovering from a recent suicide attempt. Sounds like his next movie will be "Wedding SLASHERS!" No? How about "Seppuku and Hutch?" Just as bad? I got it. How about an animated movie? It'll be called "Cars...Who Try to Kill Themselves Because They're Dead Inside." Fuck this. I'm gonna go hang myself.

In political news, Idaho Senator Larry Craig has come under fire for attempting to engage in a homosexual act with an undercover officer in an airport bathroom. Despite pleading guilty, the senator now claims he did nothing wrong and is not gay. Now I'm no definitionologist, but I think that being guilty means you're guilty, and being gay means you're gay. Having said that, I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, what's the point of being a politician if you can't get away with sucking off strangers in airports? I thought this was America, not You-can't-proposition-gay-sex-in-airports-istan.

Lastly, both 50 Cent's and Kanye West's new albums drop next week. 50 Cent (aka Curtis Jackson, aka stereotype enforcer) has claimed that if West outsells him that he will retire. And while the whole thing reeks of publicity stunt, I'd like to encourage all of you to go out and buy Kanye's album. If I can help put one more black man out of work I'll feel like I've done my job.

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New Shirts

Monday was Labor Day, but never fear. Just because it was a national holiday established to honor American workers doesn't mean the 8-year-olds in our factory got the day off. Little Chiyo, Akashi and Leroy (damn slave-labor affirmative-action) were hard at work to bring you our new shirts.

Whether you're stuck in the middle of a never-ending drinking game or you rikey your kid to have the tastiest toys money can buy, we've got the shirt for you. If that's not incentive enough to check out these shirts, here's another bit of info you may find interesting. You can wear them.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_090307_news.htm

long division

You think you're so fucking clever.

New Shirts

As if the prize for submitting a t-shirt idea wasn't already awesome enough, we've decided to up the reward money to $500 while still offering the 10 free shirts. You've done nothing to deserve this, but we're extremely generous to people with no morals. And if you think you have no shot at winning, check out the kind of nonsense we receive hundreds of times a day that you'll be competing with.

A kid with his back turned towards us, looking back sitting in the tub and a gi joe flying in the air (kid using his unit as a diving board to fling the real American hero) i now i was not the only one who did this. - Submitted by Joe W.

So there's your competition. You couldn't ask for better odds if you were on steroids in the Special Olympics. The only thing we ask is that your idea be ORIGINAL. I cannot stress that enough. Original means straight out of your head. You can't just take something from another medium and apply it to a shirt. That means no old jokes, no bumper sticker phrases, no lines you heard on the TV, no internet catchphrases, no movie quotes. It must be a 100% product of your mind. Not just someone else's creativity applied to a shirt. Even this guy's idea, as retarded as it is, stands a better shot than 90% of what we get for the simple that it is ORIGINAL.

I know taking an extra 30 seconds to think of your own idea rather than stealing someone else's is a lot to ask, but I think the $500 and 10 free shirts are well worth it. Good luck and happy genitals.

http://www.tshirthell.com/ideas.htm


long division


Bullets are shaped like tiny brass penises.As a goddamn lesbian, I feel more qualified than all of you slorps (that's what we call straight people) to comment on how all us dirty homos are ruining the country, and the world at large. Everyone knows that the gays are at the center of all the world's problems, but I can offer insight that all you penis-into-vagina sex-makers don't have.

For instance, I happen to know that the mess in Iraq can be traced directly to the homosexual community. Both the well-informed and the ill-informed would have you believe that this quagmire is the product of an incompetent, corrupt and stubborn administration, but as a dyke I know better. I know that thousands of soldiers are dead and thousands more wounded because I like that sweet poon. Sorry about that.

We're also responsible for global warming. These pinhead liberals like to suggest that greedy executives have accelerated global warming by preventing the advancement of alternative fuel and power sources, but that's simply not the case. The ice caps are melting because that uncle that no one talks about likes to take it in the butt. Plain and simple.

Bullets are shaped like tiny brass penises.Same goes for every other problem. Illegal immigration? Ellen DeGeneres. Poverty? Elton John. Autism? Ryan Seacrest. The list goes on. If there's a problem, you can be sure it was caused by a couple of queers gettin' it on.

That is why I understand the government denying us rights. Consider it a case of "Help us help ourselves". Keep us out of the military, don't let us get married, do whatever it takes to stamp out this plague of carpet-munchery. The government has enabled us enough by simply allowing us to remain alive.

Of course, there is the possibility that I'm wrong. Maybe gay people haven't caused any of these problems. Maybe if we all had the same rights it wouldn't affect your pathetic little life in any way, shape or form. If that's the case, I'd like to suggest that you aim your anger right back to where it truly belongs, to the group that we know is the actual cause of society's ills - the blacks. Wait...I'm one of those too. Fuck!

Note: Anyone about to mention AIDS in the comments can save it. We heard that ignorant bullshit when your Michelob-fueled dad/brother said it 20 years ago.

Comments (29) - View Comments - Add A Comment

shirtideaguywhoseideasareoriginalbutalreadytaken  09/04/07 6:11 pm
AIDS! and...First?

Aoife  09/04/07 7:11 pm
All valid points... but your photo of Eddie Izzard is confusing, as Eddie is not a gay. He likes both wearing women's clothes and women.

Metalhaid  09/05/07 1:53 am
Carpetmunchery?! LET ME BE THE FIRST TO VOLUNTEER! Uh, to have my carpet munched...not the other way around...sorry. Have a nice day anyways.

scav  09/05/07 2:49 am
That was the worst thing I have ever seen you write, it was even worse than you bashing 10 year olds claiming to be responsible mothers.

Obvious there were allot of frustration in your post, and I recommend you find someone to talk to.

One day, all you homosexuals might wake up and just stop whining about being "normal" or having "equal rights", and that is the day you will success in achieving such goals. Until then, you keep acting like freaks, marching the streets, bitching, complaining, making dumbass writings like the one you just made and acting as abnormal as possible. And you still ask yourself why...

Boston  09/05/07 4:49 am
scav. you're ignorant. if the homosexuals didn't have anything to bitch about, what else would they be doing? well i'll tell you. they'd be tearing down our o-zone layer by fucking each other in the ass. and we can't have that. so let them bitch. let them complain! it will save our polar ice caps... or they'll just get even more pissed off, hijack a bunch of nuclear missles and bomb the fuck out of huge random cities all around the united states.. i hope you live in a large city. :D

scav  09/05/07 5:52 am
Shut the fuck up faggot.

Jennifer  09/05/07 7:19 am
HEY! I have an idea why don't both of you stop being dickheads and worry about the bigger problem!! The fact that Seacrest is causing Autism! I think that this should be solved. Not the autism Ryan Seacrest. Carpetmunching? Sounds like something to do on a rainy night during a sleepover! ☻ Fuck I just ripped another hole in the ozone layer last night. DAMN IT! I really got to stop doing that.

Christopher  09/05/07 9:18 am
Wow...i knew there was a reason for Cancer.

That is all.

rik  09/05/07 11:11 am
Cool article. Didn't suck...

Moving on to other matters, how come there are always so few comments on here? Is nobody reading the newsletter? There aren't even any random spam on here... How shitty...

EKF  09/05/07 11:56 am
You forgot cancer.

Can we choose which ills to inflict upon the world? And can we target exactly who we like?

COOL.

Prostate cancer for one of the above commentators (a special kind that can be cured by ass-fucking).

anon  09/05/07 12:22 pm
thanks for posting a rejected shirt idea... we need more, though.

Jesus was black  09/05/07 2:16 pm
Praise Allah for gays! Other wise we'd have even more of an over population crisis.

Tiffany  09/05/07 2:19 pm
Wow you're a lesbian too? This article about gays being responsible for all the world's problems made me want to give my contribution global warming. The only way to accomplish this was to massage the pearl within the clam of my girlfriend while watching reruns of "The L Word" wishing she was one of the characters. Thank you TShirt Hell!

Decrovis  09/05/07 6:14 pm
When you die of AIDS, I'll wear the shirt to advertise it.
Love the shirts by the way, keep up the great work.

foofoolamarr  09/05/07 6:37 pm
I dunno...would TShirt Hell spring for an eyebrow manicure (or is that an eyebrwoicure?) for Leona? Gawd, worse than even Elsa Lanchester. Oops...guess it's too late now.

CT  09/05/07 7:11 pm
I'm not sure if its just me but these rants seem to be getting less funny and less intelligent each time I read them. What happened, did you fire your writers or something? And for that matter what the fuck is the deal with the decreasing number of new shirts? Is next month going to be just one Baby Hell shirt that says "This Company Sucks (and when I say this company, I mean T-Shirt Hell and when I say sucks, I mean going under)". Honestly... we as loyal TSH representatives and consumers have a right to know.

And PS - Blow me for rejecting my last few t-shirt ideas

PPS - You suck.

Bucky  09/05/07 7:36 pm
Somebody needs a viiiiiiiii-brator!

moly pooper  09/05/07 7:52 pm
Yeah, there are a lot less new t-shirts lately. All the new shirts are pretty crappy too. I mean, c'mon: "We haven't fucked? Set up and appointment." It's so dumb! And who hasn't already made a shirt about the Chinese toys? It's so obvious! Admittedly, I couldn't come up with any better ideas, and CT probably couldn't either, but if the shirts are going to be stupid anyway, I'd rather they just put out the few good shirt ideas they have. At least they are doing something about it. They're offering $500 + 10 shirts now!!! That would definitely make me want to submit a good idea.
I wish I could have such inspired ideas as "kid playing with GI Joe in bath." We can't all be that amazing. I would totally buy a shirt with that guy's exact quote on it. I wouldn't pay more than $10, but it would still be awesome.

TS  09/05/07 10:37 pm
hehe....I love this show

Jarred  09/06/07 12:25 am
I had to read that submission about the GI Joe shirt like three times because it made so little sense. What is funny about that? What is anything about that?

Buck Futter (Yeah, it's an SNL reference; bite me)  09/06/07 1:36 am
Jarred: Using your cock as a diving board? What ISN'T funny about that??

PS: Anyone who didn't find this segment hilarious needs to look up "satire" in the dictionary. I'll spell it for you. S-A-T-I-R-E.
Chimps.

PPS: AiDs (because AzN spelling makes the world go 'round!)

brattylips  09/06/07 2:57 am
SOOOO f*cken true love it

KDSR  09/06/07 12:15 pm
Analy
Inserted
Death
Sentance

your mother  09/08/07 6:19 pm
Slorp? I'm a lesbian and Ive never heard that word before. What the fuck? I just call people straight people god damn breeders. Fucking up the world, one mistake at a time.

Duckyistrippin  09/09/07 6:20 am
what a coincidence.. i watched gay porn for the first time tonight.. oh the excitement.

Rah  09/09/07 6:57 pm
Thank You!!

GoofyBastrd  09/13/07 10:31 am
more moron shit from jarred. the reason you don't get it is because your to fucking stupid to understand it. you whiney cunt

Hungtu Mynees  09/15/07 5:02 pm
Wow! I could do some serious damage to the world with the stuff I do. Hehe.
It's funny when the "straight" guys get all defensive or abusive. What are they hiding??? (up their bums)
Story of my life: I get $200 for a shirt idea and the next month, it jumps to $500! AAAARGH!
Well, if you'll excuse me, I have a national disaster to create with my boy toy!! 8=====>~~~

Porn Starfish  09/15/07 5:05 pm
Your fish smells like pussy


space

-----Original Message-----

From: Hannah S.
Sent: Friday, August 31, 2007
DECIDERS RULE THE WORLD.Subject: Your Many George Bush Shirts

I do not understand your hatred towards George Bush. It is cruel and unfair how you constantly needle and poke at him. He is a good leader for our country, and it's wrong that people seem to hate him so much.

I can only hope one day that we will all realize how wonderful he is, and how he has helped our country. Where is your pride in your country? Where is your support for our leader?

Sarah

Send me an L-mail, sailor.Editor's Note: We occasionally get hate from people who just want to see their email make it to the newsletter, and I'm convinced that's what has happened here. For one thing, there are only two people left in the country that support Bush, and they try to send email using Legos and mashed potatoes.

Secondly, if they somehow did manage to figure out the "robot box" known as a computer, they wouldn't use proper grammar and spelling. So nice try, Sarah. But until you send me a picture of yourself trying to eat a lawnmower while squatting on a lawn gnome, I'm not buying it.

But on the off chance that you are being sincere, I'd like to let you know that we have no ill feelings toward the President. We don't lean left or right, we just lean toward what's funny. It just so happens that retards are funnier than other people.

Comments (34) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Napoleon  09/04/07 7:07 pm
Holy shit, I cannot read that letter without laughing hysterically

ellie  09/04/07 9:16 pm
So, who's the letter from, Hannah S. or Sarah? Just wondering...

guy slater  09/04/07 11:18 pm
Gawddamn! Why for you gotta be pickin on us retards all the time? Geaorge Bush ain't smart enuff to be a retard. (Shit! That's good enough to submit! I'm doin it!)

Z  09/04/07 11:24 pm
Hannah and/or Sarah has to be joking. I can't believe anyone with grammar that good can support Bush at this point.

The Happy Leprechaun  09/04/07 11:47 pm
I appreciate how he helped our country...By creating a massive war debt waging a personal vendetta against people he has no clue about. Good job, Mr. President. Keep up the good work.

Rubber Duckie  09/05/07 12:47 am
That's the funniest thing I've heard all year long! Am I being Punk'd?

Simon  09/05/07 12:47 am
I live in Australia and that fucking cockhead's over here for some economic conference - all the streets are closed in case someone decides to firebomb his motorcade - as if the fucker'd be worth the petrol

mikey  09/05/07 1:22 am
George Bush may not be the smartest fucker out there, but i think that if that communist cunt Hillary wins the election, most of society will have new respect for Bush.

metalhaid  09/05/07 1:55 am
MIKEY FOR FUCKING PRESIDENT. Like the nice lesbo lady sez, "bros before hoes."

shoes  09/05/07 8:30 am
mikey is a cunt

SDL  09/05/07 9:18 am
I'm surprised this Hannah/Sarah managed to tear herself away from her copy of the final Weekly World News to defend her idol. Must be pretty fucking boring in the trailer park...

Annie  09/05/07 10:36 am
I almost commented that George Dubbya may have written that E-mail in his own defense but, then again, it was way too well-written. Although you must admit that the "needle and poke" sounds like something Mr. Bush might say. Maybe Mr. Bush had his T-Shirt E-mail confused with his Larry Craig E-mail? Thus, the "needle and poke" comment. I'm going to go take a dump and ponder this some more.

fortunate cookie  09/05/07 11:09 am
FUN-NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Wow...the supporters of Bush only makes me wonder.....

Keith  09/05/07 11:18 am
First, there are more than two of us. "Hey, Bushie, you're doing a heck of a job." Hey, Sarah, did you miss the one that said "Bet you'll vote next time, hippy!" Or the one with all the red states designated Republicans and the blue states designated Idiotic Crybabies? You just need to search harder--there's a t-shirt or two here for everyone.

daph  09/05/07 1:16 pm
I love ol' George too. He doesn't hold a candle to Hitler ofcourse, but he damn well tried. Props to the white man that could pull off that shit. Surely Hannah or Sarah, or whoever the fuck wrote that letter, also sent it to a billion other addresses. How many news broadcasters are there anyway?

Regardless of all that. I do still "needle and poke" at him every possible chance I get. He says it tickles, and then he giggles like a schoolgirl. I always get a lil moist when that happens.

guy slater: I think it said "original" ideas. If you want $500 for being a dumbass, go sign up for welfare. (Unless you already have.) In which case, go bust your ass on the floor of some business so you can sue them. (Remove the "wet floor" sign first.) It's the American way.

lisa  09/05/07 2:19 pm
actually it appears osamas writing skills have improved.emailing is much easier then finding a cave,a cameraman and good lighting.hopefully next time he can use his given name and not hide behind fake names like hannah.

foofoolamarr  09/05/07 2:47 pm
Two people still support Dumbya? Incredible.

Half-Mad  09/05/07 5:09 pm
To quote, "He is a good leader for our country".

I agree completely. Bush is the perfect leader for USA. A moronic leader for a moronic country.

carley  09/06/07 12:15 am
I hear Australia bought a $1,000,000 fire hose for the Bush protesters. Simon is this true?

mikey  09/06/07 12:35 am
well shoes...i guess hillary must be your commie lezbo lover. you know what i think YOU are a stupid fucking smelly cunt. just because bush has a real agenda (pro gun and killing tons of ragheads) doesn't make him a bad guy. its just you liberal, bunny hugging hippie fucks that make him out to be worse than he is. GO FUCK YOURSELF you dirty slut.

barbi  09/06/07 3:17 am
sarah, why so overprotective of the president??? are you blowing him? or are you one of his bastard children....whose blowing him?

Jacqui  09/06/07 1:29 pm
Eeewww.... I just threw up in my mouth a little bit when I read this post.

x.x  09/06/07 9:35 pm
I think its possible that Bush wrote it. Maybe he has a pet chimp that uses spell check for him now?

barbi 09/06/07 3:17 am
sarah, why so overprotective of the president??? are you blowing him? or are you one of his bastard children....whose blowing him?

That could be the case too. But I'm not convinced that any offspring from Bush would be able to write something that well.

The chimp did it.

J. DM  09/07/07 1:34 am
Wow, I just want to know how I can acquire the kind of drugs it would take to reach this level of mental separation from reality. I can only read with envy, awe & a quickly fading high as this sort of delusional state seems like such a nice vacation from the piss-poor excuse for a country that Bush has dissected & redesigned. So what's your secret Hannah/Sarah? The whole dual-personality thing probably helps - 2 retards in 1, double the idiocy at no additional charge. Let's hook up some time - we can chug paint thinner, max out my prescription for oxycontin, cool down with some hard ice & engage in an informed, enlightened political debate...

ekrayson  09/07/07 1:40 am
Hey Carley. Apparently we blew $17 million on your dumb fucker while he was here getting his cock sucked by our dumb fucker. If all the dumb fuckers stopped having sumits and lunches, we could probably feed the world!

ledhead  09/08/07 2:40 am
Hey Simon! What if we offered to buy the petrol (and a round or two to celebrate)? I think ol' Cheney may have left a few barrels laying around, if a few of us mortgage our overpriced California homes we might be able to afford to send a gallon or two your way!

jennifer m.  09/08/07 1:24 pm
sarah, you are a moron. your leader has violates human rights laws constantly. look at guantanamo bay. look at the usa's dentention of omar khadr. a 15 year old boy tortured and abused by the your government. instead of spending his adolecence doing what normal kids do, he spent it in fear of being raped. yeah. bush is right fucking wonderful.
and the best part is that if guantanamo bay was being run by my country, we'd already have been invaded and i'd be singing the american national anthem right now.

chaichop  09/09/07 11:06 pm
2 things: one - i agree that this is a fake email. Two - what's that american illogical way of putting the dates on the format MM/DD/YYYY?? For fuck's sake, you either go up in the time span or down! Not this fucking mess! lol

LaSocialistaEva  09/10/07 10:08 am
Wow...You know, I'm having a little trouble thinking of the good things bush has done for the US...other than making an ass of himself and giving everyone something to laugh at...but whatever, and hillary clinton is not a communist. If she were though, she'd have my vote. haha

Krista  09/10/07 11:46 pm
OWNED!

Osama in Yo Mama  09/15/07 5:16 pm
She's right. He IS wonderful. Because of him, people stopped trying to pop a cap in my ass for that little 9-11 thing, and shifted the attention to going after that bitch Saddam. He was hung, but I am HUNG....for all you ladies out there. ;-)>

P.S. My security code text is W N I G A !! LOL!

Bitch  09/19/07 1:25 am
I didn't know the poor sheep in the cult compounds were allowed to use the "demon box".Maybe "Sarah" is Hannahs alter ego,thereby allowing her to use the dreaded "satanic machine" without staining her soul.Go to it Hannah/Sarah/demon-lover!

Pshh everyone knows the internet is for porn.She just stumbled into t-shirt hell by mistake,and felt the need to make her voice heard before she drinks the kool-aid.

Hannah/Sarah  09/30/07 4:46 pm
Alright. I have something to say to you twats. Fuck. You. It's funny how I'm being told that I'm an idiot by a bunch of stupid people that can't spell dog. In case you're wondering, it's spelled d-a-w-g. Just FYI. I actually think that it's not just Bush, and if you can't see that, then you are obviously ill-informed and ignorant of our countries problem. And for your information, I am a democrat. So take that, commie. Why don't you talk to people from Iraq, or talk to people from the military that actually go over there? They actually see what goes on, and most of them support the war. I hope I made you feel as ignorant as you are.

Have a Lovely Day and May Satan Bless You,

Hannah/Sarah


 12/25/07 5:39 am
Why is it that in North-America, that not supporting a war, and not believing in god, instantly makes you a bad person? I have a few ideas, but I'm not sure if they're good or right.


joy division

-----Original Message-----

From: johny k
Sent: Friday, August 31, 2007
Rule Brittania!Subject: FUCKING WANK PEICES OF SHIT COCK BAG WHORE MOTHER FUCKING JESUS POOP

First off id just like to say i love the site, and have bought many shirts from you.. Well about 5. The customs charge to england rapes me everytime i buy one. But the real reason im emailing is id like to beg for a job responding to your hate male. It seems like the perfect thing to do.

When ive point out how stupid, ignorant, fat or retarded people are in the past few jobs i've had i have been fired every time, or the customer made an attempt at physical abuse against my sexy body. I'll work for sweatshop wage and offer any sexual services needed.

Sir Johnathan Longcock III of Northamptonshire

Editor's Note: I'm not going to argue, this is a pretty sweet gig. And while we appreciate your offer, it has one major flaw. The person responding to the hate m-a-i-l has to be smarter than the people who sent it in. Which is incredibly easy to do, but you don't quite meet that standard.

Who won that war anyway?Offering to work for sweatshop wages and providing sexual services makes up for the fact that you're a limey cunt, but it does not make up for you being a fucking idiot. Besides, I doubt you have the tuning forks and butter churns required to satisfy me sexually.

In short, we cannot hire a moron to respond to morons. That would be like watching two fat fucks exchanging fat jokes. Or watching a couple of Mexican guys make fun of each other for smelling weird. It might be entertaining for a little while, but in the end you want to be able to declare a winner. Now shag off ya bloody...uh...cock-sucking douche.

Comments (26) - View Comments - Add A Comment

bugs  09/04/07 8:55 pm
Yea - go back to whereever the fuck you're from - gayland or something

metalhaid  09/05/07 2:04 am
First, we've got fucking John Lennon claiming to be better than Jesus, and now this worthless wanker thinks he's worthy to lick Mother TShirtHell's voluptuous babymaker (should she choose to utilize it for that purpose.) Yeah, like she wants a pasty colored, snaggle-toothed shrieking parasite donated by an oxygen thief such as yourself. When there are so MANY other MUCH MORE WORTHY donors panting in the wings, such as Michael Vick (no pun intended.) Go back to Limeytown, cockforbrains, and see if the Queen is in need of a new publicity manager. Your urban charm and buck-toothed wit may fool you limeys, but we Americans are not amused. Asswipe. Jesus H. Christ, give me a Mexican to make fun of every time. At least, if they get pushed over the edge, they'll fucking try to kill you.

metalhaid  09/05/07 2:05 am
Oh yeah--and what the FUCK is UP with those teeth, haven't you people ever heard of dentistry? I thought you fuckers invented the steam engine and all kinds of drugs. What the fuck is your problem?

Cuntflaps  09/05/07 3:09 am
Hey calm down motherfuckers! Some dumb example of a Brit gets a beating down and it turns into an all out English bashing! Don't forget what language you are writing in you cunts, thats right; English - even if the yanks have fucked about with it.

And just so that you know, my teeth are fine thanks.

God Save The Queen (I don't really mean that, she is a bit of a smelly old cunt to be honest)

Jimmy Pockets  09/05/07 3:38 am
The toothbrush was invented in England. If it were invented anywhere else it would be called a TEETHbrush.

Mike  09/05/07 8:10 am
you do know that that ugly fella in the photo is actually from Ireland? which isnt in England (I know its hard to get your head around)? his name's Shane McGowan which should be enough of a clue tbh

rik  09/05/07 11:18 am
Allright, this isn't a comment about this here shitty hate mail. It's concerning the shirt "My life is a complicated drinking game". I googled the sentence and found a dude who called himself that on MySpace. His last login was 3 days ago... Either he's the guy who got the dough and 10 shirts, or T-shirthell is a piece of shit company who use old ideas...

Someone tell me!

Sponge  09/05/07 11:39 am
Now hang about people, this guy's on your side!

And echoing somebody who posted before me, let's not make this an all-out attack against us 'Limeys' of whatever it is you call us. All i need to say are things like 'Vietnam' (what the fuck was that all about?) and 'what language do you think you're speaking?' (before you fucked it up too much for it to actually be considered real English) and 'where did most of you actually originate from?' (well, those of you that weren't descended from African slaves anyway)

i could slag you yanks off all day, but i don't get paid for it so fuck that, bottom line is reading the retarded letters you folks get from all the haters and laughing at the witty replies is a great laugh, and i see where this guy's coming from, but personal opinion? i think you're doing a great job as it is

EKF  09/05/07 12:00 pm
Hey, I totally want that job too (same terms for me, and I'm much hotter than whoever this person is).

I'm smart, obnoxious, and I give amazing head.

Please?

Grezz  09/05/07 12:57 pm
On behalf of the entire UK I feel obligated to appologise for "johny k", "Sir Johnathan Longcock" or whatever the hell hewants to call himself. If all brits were as easily willing to bend over and take it in the ass as special Johny here we'd all be talking german and wearing lederhosen.
Point made.

Brian  09/05/07 1:31 pm
"The person responding to the hate m-a-i-l has to be smarter than the people who sent it in." Should read: "must be smarter than the people who senD it in." Don't you go correctin' spellin' n grammar then flub the next sentence.

Pan  09/05/07 7:20 pm
Just to be a pedantic fuck and respond to Mike - Shane McGowan was in fact born and raised in London and is a big old plastic paddy. So the bad English teeth thing still applies.

bitbrat  09/05/07 10:17 pm
speaking as a limey - Bugger off!

perthboy  09/06/07 12:08 am
George Dubya is a cunt, Poms are cunts and Phat Rags is so much better than tshirt hell

hrt  09/06/07 12:11 am
Honestly... the title just makes this awesome... JESUS POOP!!

Splish  09/06/07 11:35 am
It's true our teeth are shite - but Shane McGowan was actually English, he's a Londoner! Sorry to be a finiky twat but it riled me!

El Timbo  09/06/07 3:11 pm
I think you should reconsider his application. Imagine the prestige of having Tony Blair as your new spokesperson!

x.x  09/06/07 9:45 pm
I think British accents are sexy and all. But I have a problem with fucked up teeth, and your teeth are fucked up x.x Sorry! And the reason us Americans have modified your "English" is because it fuckin sucks and it makes no sense.

Cuntflaps  09/07/07 9:37 am
What the fuck? The only reason correct English does not make perfect sense to you Americans is that you are all to fucking stupid to comprehend mild complexity in language.

Why are you all still going on about our teeth? Mine are fine, and in addition to matching you on this point, I happen to be far more worthy of remaining alive since I have a fully functioning brain unlike the majority of undereducated assholes you share your Country with.

Deemo  09/08/07 1:40 am
As an American, I must say I'm ashamed that American society has reduced a sophisticated language to a series of clicks and whistles. We should have never bought those worthless fucking slaves from those goddamn fucking African tribes. Losing is in their blood, and now they're a proverbial parasite to our culture and our language. Thank you for words such as "bling" "crib" "playa" and the sort. Thank you for shitty "music" as you call it (whatever). Seriously, "Hey Bay-Bay?" It isn't our fault the language here is fucked. Blame the blacks, the fuckwits in our wonderful government, and the product of what you get when you mix baby shit with tears, retard drool, scab scrapings, hillbilly teeth and a jar of hot cum (talking about the liberals here.) God damnit!

darth_gator  09/14/07 8:08 am
Wow...so many things to comment on, so little time. Undereducated Americans: Sorry. I'm from the middle of the country (you know, where we all voted for 'Dubya' and barely graduated high school?) and I'm surrounded by college graduates. Many of us have, or are working on, advanced degrees. All of my friends, and most of my family. College graduation rates in the US are somewhere around 40% of the population, if I remember correctly. What's the college graduation percentage "across the pond"? Also, don't forget who rebuilt your countries and taught you all how to teach after the deuce...

English: So you invented the language. Who cares? The Brits merely combined several other languages to do it: French, Latin, German, Gaelic, Celtic, etc. We changed it. Just like MOST colonies who had the sense to overthrow the repressive system. Also, I've been to Russia twice, and they want to learn AMERICAN ENGLISH, 'cause the King's English just plain sucks...

Ancestors: Actually, I'm primarily Irish and German. Very little British, thank God!

Germany: Regardless of the Limey's propensity to bend over and take it in the ass, without us, you'd be speaking German and wearing lederhosen any way...deal with it and move on. Oh. You're Welcome.

alex  09/15/07 1:24 am
deemo is right on the dot

All i can say is...  09/15/07 5:23 pm
FUCKING WANK PEICES OF SHIT COCK BAG WHORE MOTHER FUCKING JESUS POOP

Iwannasuckhisskinheadcock  09/15/07 5:29 pm
I like JohnyK! Just reading his letter gave me wood! 8=====>
However.....YOU are the Queen of Mean, and NO ONE can break the human spirit like you, my dear! You not only shot down that skinhead shit, you threw his balls in his face! Hoo-AH!

duh  10/15/07 8:51 pm
You know, I hate people who bitch about other people's grammar, but ummmmm, Brian? "the person responding to the hate m-a-i-l has to be smarter than the people who sent it in" *is* correct grammar. It's just past tense.

yanksgohome  11/09/07 6:00 pm
It was the fucking russians that won the war you fuckwit famegrabbing yank monocell cunt


division of labor

-----Original Message-----

From: Curtis P.
Sent: Sunday, September 02, 2007

fuck yall yall no my t shirts are hard as hell u fuckin corny ass lame i mean aint no englkish to xplain yall u fuk yall but jus lame ass hell 2 bad for yall get some flavor

Editor's Note: Holy fuck, maybe English Bob could do this job. If this is any indication of the kind of ideas you submitted we might have made a mistake in passing on them. I mean, we get plenty of stupid nonsense, but this is SO stupid and SO nonsensical that it's almost avant garde.

NERDS!Maybe it's even unfair to dismiss this as stupid. Maybe he's like Russell Crowe in 'A Beautiful Mind'. We normals look at this and wonder what kind of frog God was licking when he made this guy, but he probably sees the cure for cancer or some formula that would make Britney Spears hot again.

That's probably not the case, but I'm not taking any chances. From now on, any time I see someone wearing a helmet or pants with an elastic waist, I'm going to hit them with a hammer until they give me the information I want. Even if it proves to be fruitless, hell, at least I got to beat a tard with a hammer.

Comments (12) - View Comments - Add A Comment

God  09/04/07 7:55 pm
God damn i had to re-read this shit about 5 times before it even kinda made sense

ford  09/04/07 10:39 pm
what is this guy trying to be? rap-star?? that would explain the illiteracy. DUDE--your not a rapper, chances are your not even black!! so give up the stupid talk, be a proud american, and GET A FUCKING JOB AND TURN YOUR STEREO DOWN!! i beat people like you, dumbass.

Boston  09/05/07 4:57 am
LOL this is awesome.

and hooray for beating tards with hammers! although i prefer a cricket bat.

criztine  09/05/07 7:54 am
Holy jeez I'm pretty sure this guy was on jerry springer the other day, I think the entire rant goes something to the effect of: "fuck yall, yall buncha bitchass motherfuckers"...they all say bitchass on springer, it amuses me...

Bob  09/05/07 10:34 am
Instead of sending this to the hate mail he should have sent it to the idea submission page.

Spazmonkey  09/05/07 11:29 am
Somehow I think this is a prank.

MikeVick'sDogTrainer  09/05/07 4:56 pm
unreal!! who says the inner city ghetto schools aren't up to par. Somebody tell Count Crackula to smoke another rock and shut the fuck up.

x.x  09/06/07 9:50 pm
God 09/04/07 7:55 pm
God damn i had to re-read this shit about 5 times before it even kinda made sense

I can't believe you were actually able to understand that gibberish. My cat can't write better than that.

TSH, is there anyway you can track down where this guy lives through his ip address? If so, kill him and take pictures! I'm sure the it would fall under some kind of law that wouldn't hold you responsible for saving the world from this idiot or somethin.

P.S. your security text sucks ass

Darwinist  09/06/07 9:52 pm
Bullshit! You made that up, didn't you? No one could be that fucking stupid and still manage to find the Send button on their email program.

PS. Ford: I understand how you would instantly recognise this fucked up comment must have originated in America and commend your attempt to encourage one of your own to better himself. However, American pride is the biggest load of hot cock the rest of the world has had to endure and it's a constant pain in the ass for the rest of us. The fact that your country has brainwashed your citizens into thinking that being American is something to be proud of only encourages fuckers like Curtis P to breed. If your country had any real pride there would be a quality control program enforced in order to stamp out the epidemic of ignorance currently sweeping your filthy, obnoxious nation. Just think about it, maybe suggest it to your local senator. A national program would save you the trouble of having to give your own valuable time and effort to reforming every retarded cocksucker in America individually.

x.x  09/06/07 10:00 pm
I almost forgot, this newsletter fuckin sucked, and the "hate mail" sucked even more. Maybe you should give your job to that retard Sir Jonathan Longcock. At least he would provide some amusement for a short period of time.

I also agree, Worse Than Hell should be brought back. And wtf happened to hatemail?

Hungtu Mynees (PORN STARfish)  09/15/07 5:36 pm
If ya gots ta TRY dat hard to BE hard....y'ain't dat hard! I'll show ya hard! ;-) He's probably as white as........me. Or worse, Michael Jackson!

Hungtu mynees  09/15/07 5:44 pm
I TOTALLY object to hitting tards with hammers!!!!

Their heads are soft, so it lasts longer if you use a MALLET. And, if you're not a pussy & want a challenge, find an autistic tard.

Remember: Autistic kids ROCK!


does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Message-----

From: Baby Elvis
Sent: Thursday, August 30, 2007
Subject: Finally

Hello Wenches,

Star-spangled diapers!Frankly, most of your shirts suck the butt - they're too wimpy, silly and/or stupid -; you'd best be ashamed to call the 'hell' when they're at worst purgatory. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I saw Moses wearing one of your shirts in Heave the last time I was in Heaven.

I know you sell a lot of shirts and all, so I probably shouldn't 'tell you how to run your business'. But really, you sell a lot of shirts in a country that shops at Wal-Mart and McDonald's, and elected Dubya twice! Shit attracts flies.

At any rate, I did see a few funny shirts on your site. I'm probably not going to buy them, because I'm cheap. But good for you all the same - Thumbs Up! Keep up the at-best-mediocre work.

Hugs and Kisses, Baby Elvis

Ps. OK I'll admit it: sometimes I get a kick out of your newsletter.

Editor's Note: Hey, thanks for the kudos, Baby Elvis. Wait a second...did we just get critiqued by a guy who goes by Baby Elvis? I didn't take that shit from Jesus and his lawyers, and I'm sure as hell not going to take it from Baby Elvis.

It's good to know that you were once in Heaven. So many people pop in and out of my pussy that it's hard to keep track of who's been in there. Zing.

Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart Uber AllesOkay, I got that out of the way. I really just included this email to respond to all these twats that always mention Wal-Mart and Bush when they bag on America. You fools try to make it seem that if Wal-Mart went out of business and Bush had never been elected that we would be a country of erudite geniuses. Well let me break something to you Nietzsche-quoting tools - If we had elected Gore twice and Wal-Mart never made a dime it wouldn't mean shit. All it would suggest to me is that we were being stupid in a different way.

I'm not defending Wal-Mart or the President. Those things suck to the point that it's factual. But to suggest that opposing those things makes you intellectually superior to someone is downright absurd. Person A shops at Wal-Mart and voted for Bush. Person B shops at Target and voted for Gore and Kerry. The thing they have in common? They're both stupid.

Furthermore, America doesn't have a monopoly on stupidity. I don't know where the idea that "foreign = smart" came from, but I've seen an episode of Benny Hill, and I can assure you that people are stupid the world over. You know why? Because they're fucking people. Your Dostoevsky-reading friends are just as stupid as the Toby Keith fans that you make fun of. It's just a different kind of stupidity. I'd ask you to come down from your pedestal, but I'm afraid it's all you have. Bottom line: We're all idiots. Except for me.

Comments (28) - View Comments - Add A Comment

dave  09/04/07 7:42 pm
when i was young my parents lost their jobs so they went into the iron and steel business. but my mother was too slow at ironing and my dad was too lazy to steal.

no man  09/04/07 8:37 pm
Bleh. I'll never understand why shopping at Wal-mart denotes stupidity. Like it's intelligent to waste forty bucks on a three-dollar shirt. And it's not our fault that only retards are dumb enough to volunteer to run for public office.

no man is an idiot  09/04/07 8:58 pm
four hundred thousand dollars a year for being president isn't exactly a volunteer wage.

Drew  09/05/07 1:30 am
I'm going to run for president. So please save this comment for publicity. Why? Because I'm going to tell you that I raised dogs with Micheal Vic, well, maybe i should say "razed"... Well, it's hard to spell when you're strung out on the meth.

Drew for Prez 2012

metalhaid  09/05/07 2:07 am
Well, Baby Elvis, your mama was too cheap to use a condom. Lucky for you.

Baby Elvis has a point  09/05/07 11:17 am
I have to say that I partially agree with what Baby Elvis said.

It would be nice to see the "Worse than hell" section brought back.

Not that I want to see anyone get poisoned or anything...

foofoolamarr  09/05/07 2:55 pm
So Dear Baby Elvis aka Porch Monkey:

Whereabouts is Heave? Were you born there? Live there? Shoot no wonder I have no use for religion....

Brian W.  09/05/07 3:22 pm
Well jumpin monkey shit... This guy makes fun of wal-mart, probably watches racing and calls it a "sport", and probably anally probes poodles in his spare time. Elvis was an unlovable prick anyways. So why should the baby reincarnate of Elvis be any better?

foofoolamarr  09/05/07 6:48 pm
Because Elvis had real soul. He could reach those high notes and he sang with a true voice. Goddamn, Elvis I miss you.

bitbrat  09/05/07 10:30 pm
Elvis is just a nother dead rock-n-roller. I had better get some shit for that comment....

BTW isn't it nice to see that even someone who sits down with a dictionary and a thesaurus, still can't quite get it right. Remember everyone, most computers come with a spelling checker, and some even come with a grammar checker, because you have a public school education.

There's another comment I better get some shit for!! Haha - I love this stuff - kudos to t-shirt hell for keeping us all entertained..... MORE stupid hate mail, pleeeeeaaaaase???

Mad matt  09/05/07 11:47 pm
Fuckin' A!

hrt  09/06/07 12:15 am
I find it amusing how this guy was trying to use correct grammar... yet he still failed.

Carley  09/06/07 12:17 am
FYI Editor - Bush wasn''t elected. He stole it remember.

meeklibrarian  09/06/07 8:07 am
I was just going to comment that I once tried to probe the sphincter of larger less domesticated creatures and it was a real disaster I can testify that poodles down to hamsters are really about right. I prefer toy poodles that have that lovely hair cut and are sometimes colored pink they yipe at first but eventually they like it. Please dont tell my life companion this sordid and sick facet of my unnatural sexuality he just had to resign from the U.S. Senate for playing footsies with an undercover cop he always was a sucker for a man out of uniform.

Evelyn  09/06/07 1:00 pm
Well, that newsletter was a regular scorcher. I DO appreciate your humor, and also the ability to inject it into, well, damn near everything. The stupid and the sacred have now been brought to zero sum - and I say we all can benefit from a shot of that shit.

Dodger  09/06/07 5:00 pm
If shopping at Wal-Mart is a hallmark of American stupidity, how come I've never seen any other Americans there when I've had to run into one for something?

x.x  09/06/07 9:57 pm
The only people I ever see in Wal-Mart is Mexicans and Chinese. I wonder if it makes them feel at home seeing all the "Made in China" and "Made in Mexico" stickers?

Anyway, I think you mean Benny Hinn? The Arabic looking douche bag thats on INSP Network? The one who thinks he can heal people? Now thats stupidity. Someone should send a suicide bomber to see him and blow him the fuck up. And that idiot who sent the "hate mail" I don't think T-shirt Hell gives a fuck whether you like them or not, or even if you "sort-of" like them. Douche bag.

jb  09/06/07 10:47 pm
what's wrong with anal probing poodles?

Tonya  09/06/07 10:59 pm
I dont thing putting blacks out of work will solve any of the worlds problems. Maybe if they have more authority you would get your ass kicked for saying shit like that..... niggers in general are better than any fucking white trash especially when it comes to the world... They entertain, whities explain, niggers have it all beautiful skin lovely dark eyes beautiful babies rythm desire to excel. Honkies have nothing fuckin wanna bees...

Big Keith  09/07/07 1:18 pm
No,it is Benny Hill.He was a "comedian" in the 70's and 80's in England. Anyway,to completely change the subject,what's the difference between the last Pope and Madeline McCann? The last Pope died a virgin!! boom boom!

OctaDon  09/11/07 6:53 am
Baby Elvis,why don't you man up and enter the contest? And by the way, where do all of the self admitted," too cheap to buy a t-shirt" poofters in limey land shop for a bargain? Oh,that's right if your not in the dole queue your spending all your money getting pissed in the pubs.

ringworm  09/13/07 9:09 pm
despite being just a t-shirt shop, i think this was the most insightful rant on the human condition ever published.

alex  09/15/07 1:31 am
since when does where you shop make you stupid or not?

alex  09/15/07 1:36 am
I bet you all loved "tonya's" comment..."black people have it all, beautiful skin, lovely dark eyes, DESIRE TO EXCEL? THEY ENTERTAIN? WHAAAAT?.....i can't even comment will someone else with a stronger stomach please do it, I can't stop puking and laughing at the same time

Hell  09/15/07 5:52 pm
YEAH!

Hungtu Mynees  09/15/07 5:54 pm
I got $200 for my shirt idea, Porn Starfish (Thank you. Thank you.), & the next month they raise it to $500!! Luckily for me....I'm used to getting screwed!

Bitch  09/19/07 1:31 am
"Bottom line: We're all idiots. Except for me."

and me.

sengmengida  09/20/09 10:52 pm
Tonya, while I may agree with you on the looks department, if overall social success is really a contest, white people are currently winning hands down. While I may be considered a race-traitor for miscegenation (look it up), it doesn't matter anyway because the Chinese are going to kill us all soon.


divided we fall

The End - Carpe Death

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and we'll throw rocks at you and call you gay.

Peace

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