Did everyone have a good Labor Day? What's that? You're right. There is no possible way I could know what you just answered. ONTO THE NEWS!
Billionaire Leona Helmsley recently passed away and left her dog $12 million. Great. The day I find out there's a dog with $12 million is the day I find out Michael Vick has stopped killing dogs. Damn the hand of fate!
Owen Wilson, star of three good movies and twenty shitty ones, is recovering from a recent suicide attempt. Sounds like his next movie will be "Wedding SLASHERS!" No? How about "Seppuku and Hutch?" Just as bad? I got it. How about an animated movie? It'll be called "Cars...Who Try to Kill Themselves Because They're Dead Inside." Fuck this. I'm gonna go hang myself.
In political news, Idaho Senator Larry Craig has come under fire for attempting to engage in a homosexual act with an undercover officer in an airport bathroom. Despite pleading guilty, the senator now claims he did nothing wrong and is not gay. Now I'm no definitionologist, but I think that being guilty means you're guilty, and being gay means you're gay. Having said that, I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, what's the point of being a politician if you can't get away with sucking off strangers in airports? I thought this was America, not You-can't-proposition-gay-sex-in-airports-istan.
Lastly, both 50 Cent's and Kanye West's new albums drop next week. 50 Cent (aka Curtis Jackson, aka stereotype enforcer) has claimed that if West outsells him that he will retire. And while the whole thing reeks of publicity stunt, I'd like to encourage all of you to go out and buy Kanye's album. If I can help put one more black man out of work I'll feel like I've done my job.
Monday was Labor Day, but never fear. Just because it was a national holiday established to honor American workers doesn't mean the 8-year-olds in our factory got the day off. Little Chiyo, Akashi and Leroy (damn slave-labor affirmative-action) were hard at work to bring you our new shirts.
Whether you're stuck in the middle of a never-ending drinking game or you rikey your kid to have the tastiest toys money can buy, we've got the shirt for you. If that's not incentive enough to check out these shirts, here's another bit of info you may find interesting. You can wear them.
All of our new shirts are here:
As if the prize for submitting a t-shirt idea wasn't already awesome enough, we've decided to up the reward money to $500 while still offering the 10 free shirts. You've done nothing to deserve this, but we're extremely generous to people with no morals. And if you think you have no shot at winning, check out the kind of nonsense we receive hundreds of times a day that you'll be competing with.
A kid with his back turned towards us, looking back sitting in the tub and a gi joe flying in the air (kid using his unit as a diving board to fling the real American hero) i now i was not the only one who did this. - Submitted by Joe W.
So there's your competition. You couldn't ask for better odds if you were on steroids in the Special Olympics. The only thing we ask is that your idea be ORIGINAL. I cannot stress that enough. Original means straight out of your head. You can't just take something from another medium and apply it to a shirt. That means no old jokes, no bumper sticker phrases, no lines you heard on the TV, no internet catchphrases, no movie quotes. It must be a 100% product of your mind. Not just someone else's creativity applied to a shirt. Even this guy's idea, as retarded as it is, stands a better shot than 90% of what we get for the simple that it is ORIGINAL.
I know taking an extra 30 seconds to think of your own idea rather than stealing someone else's is a lot to ask, but I think the $500 and 10 free shirts are well worth it. Good luck and happy genitals.
As a goddamn lesbian, I feel more qualified than all of you slorps (that's what we call straight people) to comment on how all us dirty homos are ruining the country, and the world at large. Everyone knows that the gays are at the center of all the world's problems, but I can offer insight that all you penis-into-vagina sex-makers don't have.
For instance, I happen to know that the mess in Iraq can be traced directly to the homosexual community. Both the well-informed and the ill-informed would have you believe that this quagmire is the product of an incompetent, corrupt and stubborn administration, but as a dyke I know better. I know that thousands of soldiers are dead and thousands more wounded because I like that sweet poon. Sorry about that.
We're also responsible for global warming. These pinhead liberals like to suggest that greedy executives have accelerated global warming by preventing the advancement of alternative fuel and power sources, but that's simply not the case. The ice caps are melting because that uncle that no one talks about likes to take it in the butt. Plain and simple.
Same goes for every other problem. Illegal immigration? Ellen DeGeneres. Poverty? Elton John. Autism? Ryan Seacrest. The list goes on. If there's a problem, you can be sure it was caused by a couple of queers gettin' it on.
That is why I understand the government denying us rights. Consider it a case of "Help us help ourselves". Keep us out of the military, don't let us get married, do whatever it takes to stamp out this plague of carpet-munchery. The government has enabled us enough by simply allowing us to remain alive.
Of course, there is the possibility that I'm wrong. Maybe gay people haven't caused any of these problems. Maybe if we all had the same rights it wouldn't affect your pathetic little life in any way, shape or form. If that's the case, I'd like to suggest that you aim your anger right back to where it truly belongs, to the group that we know is the actual cause of society's ills - the blacks. Wait...I'm one of those too. Fuck!
Note: Anyone about to mention AIDS in the comments can save it. We heard that ignorant bullshit when your Michelob-fueled dad/brother said it 20 years ago.
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From: Hannah S.
Sent: Friday, August 31, 2007
Subject: Your Many George Bush Shirts
I do not understand your hatred towards George Bush. It is cruel and unfair how you constantly needle and poke at him. He is a good leader for our country, and it's wrong that people seem to hate him so much.
I can only hope one day that we will all realize how wonderful he is, and how he has helped our country. Where is your pride in your country? Where is your support for our leader?
Editor's Note: We occasionally get hate from people who just want to see their email make it to the newsletter, and I'm convinced that's what has happened here. For one thing, there are only two people left in the country that support Bush, and they try to send email using Legos and mashed potatoes.
Secondly, if they somehow did manage to figure out the "robot box" known as a computer, they wouldn't use proper grammar and spelling. So nice try, Sarah. But until you send me a picture of yourself trying to eat a lawnmower while squatting on a lawn gnome, I'm not buying it.
But on the off chance that you are being sincere, I'd like to let you know that we have no ill feelings toward the President. We don't lean left or right, we just lean toward what's funny. It just so happens that retards are funnier than other people.
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From: johny k
Sent: Friday, August 31, 2007
Subject: FUCKING WANK PEICES OF SHIT COCK BAG WHORE MOTHER FUCKING JESUS POOP
First off id just like to say i love the site, and have bought many shirts from you.. Well about 5. The customs charge to england rapes me everytime i buy one. But the real reason im emailing is id like to beg for a job responding to your hate male. It seems like the perfect thing to do.
When ive point out how stupid, ignorant, fat or retarded people are in the past few jobs i've had i have been fired every time, or the customer made an attempt at physical abuse against my sexy body. I'll work for sweatshop wage and offer any sexual services needed.
Sir Johnathan Longcock III of Northamptonshire
Editor's Note: I'm not going to argue, this is a pretty sweet gig. And while we appreciate your offer, it has one major flaw. The person responding to the hate m-a-i-l has to be smarter than the people who sent it in. Which is incredibly easy to do, but you don't quite meet that standard.
Offering to work for sweatshop wages and providing sexual services makes up for the fact that you're a limey cunt, but it does not make up for you being a fucking idiot. Besides, I doubt you have the tuning forks and butter churns required to satisfy me sexually.
In short, we cannot hire a moron to respond to morons. That would be like watching two fat fucks exchanging fat jokes. Or watching a couple of Mexican guys make fun of each other for smelling weird. It might be entertaining for a little while, but in the end you want to be able to declare a winner. Now shag off ya bloody...uh...cock-sucking douche.
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From: Curtis P.
Sent: Sunday, September 02, 2007
fuck yall yall no my t shirts are hard as hell u fuckin corny ass lame i mean aint no englkish to xplain yall u fuk yall but jus lame ass hell 2 bad for yall get some flavor
Editor's Note: Holy fuck, maybe English Bob could do this job. If this is any indication of the kind of ideas you submitted we might have made a mistake in passing on them. I mean, we get plenty of stupid nonsense, but this is SO stupid and SO nonsensical that it's almost avant garde.
Maybe it's even unfair to dismiss this as stupid. Maybe he's like Russell Crowe in 'A Beautiful Mind'. We normals look at this and wonder what kind of frog God was licking when he made this guy, but he probably sees the cure for cancer or some formula that would make Britney Spears hot again.
That's probably not the case, but I'm not taking any chances. From now on, any time I see someone wearing a helmet or pants with an elastic waist, I'm going to hit them with a hammer until they give me the information I want. Even if it proves to be fruitless, hell, at least I got to beat a tard with a hammer.
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From: Baby Elvis
Sent: Thursday, August 30, 2007
Frankly, most of your shirts suck the butt - they're too wimpy, silly and/or stupid -; you'd best be ashamed to call the 'hell' when they're at worst purgatory. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I saw Moses wearing one of your shirts in Heave the last time I was in Heaven.
I know you sell a lot of shirts and all, so I probably shouldn't 'tell you how to run your business'. But really, you sell a lot of shirts in a country that shops at Wal-Mart and McDonald's, and elected Dubya twice! Shit attracts flies.
At any rate, I did see a few funny shirts on your site. I'm probably not going to buy them, because I'm cheap. But good for you all the same - Thumbs Up! Keep up the at-best-mediocre work.
Hugs and Kisses, Baby Elvis
Ps. OK I'll admit it: sometimes I get a kick out of your newsletter.
Editor's Note: Hey, thanks for the kudos, Baby Elvis. Wait a second...did we just get critiqued by a guy who goes by Baby Elvis? I didn't take that shit from Jesus and his lawyers, and I'm sure as hell not going to take it from Baby Elvis.
It's good to know that you were once in Heaven. So many people pop in and out of my pussy that it's hard to keep track of who's been in there. Zing.
Okay, I got that out of the way. I really just included this email to respond to all these twats that always mention Wal-Mart and Bush when they bag on America. You fools try to make it seem that if Wal-Mart went out of business and Bush had never been elected that we would be a country of erudite geniuses. Well let me break something to you Nietzsche-quoting tools - If we had elected Gore twice and Wal-Mart never made a dime it wouldn't mean shit. All it would suggest to me is that we were being stupid in a different way.
I'm not defending Wal-Mart or the President. Those things suck to the point that it's factual. But to suggest that opposing those things makes you intellectually superior to someone is downright absurd. Person A shops at Wal-Mart and voted for Bush. Person B shops at Target and voted for Gore and Kerry. The thing they have in common? They're both stupid.
Furthermore, America doesn't have a monopoly on stupidity. I don't know where the idea that "foreign = smart" came from, but I've seen an episode of Benny Hill, and I can assure you that people are stupid the world over. You know why? Because they're fucking people. Your Dostoevsky-reading friends are just as stupid as the Toby Keith fans that you make fun of. It's just a different kind of stupidity. I'd ask you to come down from your pedestal, but I'm afraid it's all you have. Bottom line: We're all idiots. Except for me.
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The End - Carpe Death
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and we'll throw rocks at you and call you gay.