Tragedy struck in Russia recently after the ill conceived, "Take a Chechen
Rebel to School Day" got out of hand. Russian officials vow that next year
they will return to the, "Fun With Borsht Day" that has proved to be so
popular, and so safe in the past.

Been There? Done That? Buy the T-Shirt.

President Clinton recovers from his quadruple bypass surgery and doctors say
if he wants to avoid problems in the future, he will need to exercise more,
drink plenty of water, and choose a less fatty mistress.

We have 5 great new shirts, and we've put together a special page that
includes all of our political shirts. So whether you're a Democrat, a
Republican, or like myself- a Registered Asshole, you should find something
that works for you.

All of our new shirts are here:

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above,
copy and paste it into your browser.

Fuck EU, Europe

Last week in this column, I mentioned a sport European's call football. We
Americans like to call it soccer, when we talk about it at all. Which
fortunately, is not often. Usually, it's only to say things like, "I was
having trouble falling asleep last night, luckily ESPN2 was showing soccer."
Or, "How did it feel when that rabid badger bit you in the face? It was
about as enjoyable as soccer." Anyway, tons of annoying, European people
took the time to unhitch their oxen, and come in from the fields to "educate
me" about soccer.

"We call it football because we use our feet." They all whined. Yes, but
aren't you wearing socks on those feet? Socks? Soccer? I rest my case.

Like most Americans I have no use for Europe, especially since we built such
a swell version of it at Epcot, not to mention the one we built in Las
Vegas. Superior to actual Europe in terms of rides, as well as buffets,
both of these versions of Europe include things that appear to be kryptonite
to most real Europeans; manners, toothpaste, and deodorant.

Yes I said manners. Europeans are rude. They refuse to speak English. And
the ones who do speak English speak it poorly or with a funny accent. We
didn't save your pusillanimous asses from Hitler to put up with this kind of
piss poor attitude.

I understand that most Europeans hate Americans. Good. We hate you more.
You have nothing that we want. Legalized prostitution? We have it, not to
mention all of the slutty American girls giving it away for free. Crumbling
ruins? Look at our inner cities. People speaking foreign languages? Get
in a cab. Which brings me to another point.

If you all hate America so much, will you please stop coming? I don't think
they have patrol boats off the coast of Spain picking up flimsy rafts full
of Americans trying to sneak into Europe so they can start a better life.

When I walk through my estate it's like a tour of Europe. My butler is
English, my maids are French, and my gardeners all speak some kind of
gibberish so I assume they're from Europe, too. I would ask them, but like
I said they all speak gibberish. Not to mention the fact that like all of
my employees, any of them trying to speak directly to me will be taken away
and fed to the hounds. Anyway, my chauffer is German and my bodyguards are
all from Belgium. Belgians, are surprisingly resilient.

I guess there are some good things about Europe, like EuroDisney, and I hear
they've built a Hard Rock Cafe. But other than that I think it's pointless,
and much too far to be of any use to anyone.

I Love The Hate-ees

You think the people who send us hate mail are stupid? The UN weapons
inspectors have announced they found no evidence that the Iranians have a
secret nuclear weapons program. Really? Because you would think there
would be tons of evidence lying around if they had a secret nuclear weapons
program. Did they check under the bed?

Here's one in response to our new, improved instructions on how to remove
oneself from our mailing list.

----- Original Message -----
From: Elaine L.
Sent: Wednesday, August 25, 2004 10:50 AM
Subject: Re: T-Shirt Hell End of August Newsletter



(Editor's Note: Elaine, you are clearly an idiot, or a Nigerian, most likely
both. We did get your name from you. Did you suffer from another blackout?
Where did you wake up, and how many of your bad places were caked in blood
and semen this time? Please go back on your medication and stop sniffing
glue you dried up old douche bag. We will not remove you until your
education is complete!)


----- Original Message -----
From: "Whitney P." <playboychick69***@***.com>
Sent: Thursday, August 26, 2004 7:17 PM
Subject: racism

I was wondering if you hated black people or is that
just part of the humor. I mean I love you shirts and
all but I was jusy wondering. Well thanks

(Editor's Note: That's a good question Whitney. Let me think. Are you a
black person? Because I know I hate you. I pride myself on hating all
people as individuals. All of you as individuals are worthy of my endless
undying hatred, and scorn. To hate someone for belonging to a particular
group is just too easy. Unless we are talking about the EFUR. There's
nothing I hate more than an Estonian Philatelist. Those guys just suck.)


----- Original Message -----
From: sidney d.
Sent: Saturday, August 21, 2004 1:59 AM
Subject: T-Shirt Hell Confirmation


i want to see more t-shirt hell. more on t-shirt like 'incubus'.

i thank tou...

(Editor's Note: Umm...yeah, we'll get right on that; whatever the fuck you
just said.)


----- Original Message -----
From: "Joe P" <jp***[email protected]***.com>
Sent: Tuesday, August 31, 2004 10:58 AM
Subject: read this

love the way you think your superior to peole you dont know and have a total
disregard for their views.thats not like all the twat-end yanks Ive ever met
and taken the piss out of now is it. Your t-shirts can be funny but most of
them are just crap yank humour mate that no-one with half a brain would
laugh at.

(Editor's Note: This is one of those Europeans I was telling you about.
How could I possibly feel superior to you Joe; with your amazing grasp of
grammar, spelling, and crack typing skills. I take it that you're British.
I'm glad you've taken the time to lift yourself off the floor of your local
pub, out of the twin pools of your own vomit and urine, and write us. You
must be a fan of that scintillating intellectual British humour like Benny
Hill. His biting social commentary always made me stop and think. As they
say in Jolly Olde England, "Go fuck yourself". Why couldn't Princess Di
have had you on her lap, with a broomstick up your ass, that fateful night
so many years ago?)


----- Original Message -----
From: "Malissa "
Sent: Friday, September 03, 2004 9:53 PM
Subject: LARGER TSHIRTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I notice your shirts go to a size 5X, but have you
considered making even bigger ones?? My husband wants
one and hes a big guy, So he asked me to email and see
if you could ever make bigger ones?

(Editor's Note: Bigger than 5X? Bigger than 5X? I think after 5X they
cease to be shirts and start to become shelters. The man must have his own
zip code. (Postal code to our friends in Europe.) If your husband is
bigger than a 5X, than finding t-shirts that fit is the least of his
problems. I would be more concerned about errant harpoons, or devious
carnies looking to supersize their side show. Don't get him a t-shirt, get
that man a salad.)


----- Original Message -----
From: "MAtt B" <leiner***[email protected]***.com>
Sent: Sunday, August 29, 2004 12:43 PM
Subject: RE: T-Shirt Hell End of August Newsletter

hey dad school starts tomorow, call me when you get back, o yea i came in
first in the time trials for cross country out of the whole team.

(Editor's Note: MAtt, first off stop calling me dad. Yes, I did fuck your
mother, but there was at least a dozen of us so I don't think it's fair to
single me out. I'm sure your real dad is very proud of you and glad to see
you're on the track team, and not off playing soccer.)


This just in. The Russians are holding a rally to protest the the terrorist
acts. Hearing this, the terrorists replied, "We had no idea you found our
terrorism so objectionable. We thought you were into it. We're sorry, we'
ll stop immediately." Boy I'm glad that's settled.

Peace Ouch


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