Merry Christmas everyone! Yeah, I know we're not even close to Christmas, but I couldn't very well say "Merry 3000 people got killed by those plane crashes Day." That would've been insensitive.

The Republican and Democratic National Conventions were both held over the past couple weeks. SPOILER ALERT! Democrats like poor people and the gays, and Republicans like the Bible and guns. And you didn't hear it from me, but I got a look at the script for the sequel coming out in 2012, and _the exact same thing happens_. All good writers know you stick with what works. That's why JJ said "Dy-no-mite!" in every single episode.

In other political news, the Republican vice-presidential nominee has lady parts. And I t hink she's like the Mayor of the Yukon Territory and she's kinda MILFy. There's also a teenage whore and a retarded baby involved. I forget the details, but I do know she has an (R) next to her name on the ballot, and that's all you need to know to make an informed decision. God bless no standard for voting!

Good news for all you repressed white males who feel yourselves being slowly choked to death by your suburban lifestyle - FOOTBALL IS BACK! That's right, it's time to give your wife's face a well-earned vacation as you allow a bunch of would-be criminals to carry out your violent acts in the form of competition. Because you can't very well beat the shit out of your boss. You need that job. GO COWBOYS AND GO TRANSFERENCE!

In entertainment news, a new version of 90210 recently debuted on the CW. Finally, a show fans of the original 90210 and their children can enjoy together. You know, because fans of the original got knocked up when they were 18 and now they're just as stupid as they were then, so they still have the same tastes as their 16-year-old daughters. Yay for arrested development!

long division


There are things in the world that everyone, and I mean everyone, acknowledges as being stupid and pointless. And yet these things are ever-present, because every person believes they are the exception. Well, you're not. Acknowledging that reality shows are vapid nonsense doesn't excuse you watching American Idol and Flavor of Love. If anything, it makes it that much more inexcusable. Self-awareness does not equal forgiveness.

Below is some human behavior we all claim to be above, but we all wallow in anyway. If you recognize any of it within your own life, don't claim to be above it while still doing it. Just knock it the fuck off, you tool.

Donning support ribbons - Who needs to perform a duty or service when a car magnet suggests that you might? "Oh, you support the troops? What'd you do? Enlist? Cut down your oil consumption? Donate to a troop fund?" "Fuck no. But I did fatten Wal-Mart's pockets by purchasing stickers for all four of my cars." Polio was wiped out because Jonas Salk developed a vaccine, not because a bunch of douches pinned turquoise ribbons to their best bib and tucker.

Casual cell phone use - I know, complaining about cell phones at this point is like someone in the '40s complaining about "horseless carriages." But I'm being specific when I say "casual" cell phone use. I got a cell phone for emergency purposes and now it is little more than a paperweight with a monthly fee. Because unlike seemingly every other person on the planet, I don't use it to pass along the details of every mundane activity I participate in. "Hey Shelly, I just had a really good Whopper. Bye. [click] Hey Shelly, just wondering if you got my message about the Whopper. Hit me up. [click] Hey Shelly, I'm a goddamn retard and I should be shot in the face. Oh, and I just caused a four-car pile-up. Still haven't heard from you about that Whopper. Bye."

YouTube - It's easy to forgive yourself for watching YouTube, because you only view "quality" videos. No "pooping cats" for you, only top tier comedy and music videos. The problem is that you're still supporting something that gives a voice to every 15-year-old girl who has an opinion about Ugly Betty or the president. The sooner this lifeline is severed for them the sooner they grow up and stop being the septic tank pop culture flushes into. And sneezing pandas? GODDAMN SNEEZING PANDAS!?!?

Texting - As I literally never text, I suppose I don't know enough about it to chastise it. Having said that, the very fact that "text" has become a verb suggests to me that it is beyond gay. To call it retarded would be an insult to that chubby kid in the corner who wears a helmet and constantly touches himself. If something isn't important enough to form actual words, I'm guessing you can skip relaying that message, you douche to the power of 10.

Online dating - Unforgivable for the simple fact that it shits all over Darwinism. "Survival of the fittest" means the dregs of society stay on the sidelines and die off. Pairing up and mating is meant for people who can properly function in society, not physically repulsive or emotionally retarded freaks forced to hook up with a different-gendered version of themselves.

Giving a fuck about celebrities - More than anything else on this list, this sums up my thesis. Who among us doesn't say things like "Who gives a fuck about [celebrity here]?" Yet simply by saying such things you show you care enough about them to attempt to show you don't care about them. It's similar to how you try and prove you don't care about your ex, a case of "thou doth protest too much." The only way to truly show you don't care is to never speak or think of them. Or stab them to death and burn the body.

Talking about politics - I don't mean politics or even political reporting. I mean exactly what I said. You and your jackass friends sitting around farting out the same talking points Democrats and Republicans have been repeating ever since the parties formed, what, like 20 years ago? All so you can feel informed or intelligent. Sorry to say you are neither. Not that it would matter if you were, seeing as how it always comes down to the "Jesus and war" guy or the "gay rights/help the poor" guy, both of whom are equally ineffective. And while you're busy converting someone, their side is busy converting one of yours. How about if everyone shuts their gobs and leaves things where they are?

Anything other than booing or cheering at a sporting event - Tied with "Giving a fuck about celebrities" for most annoying thing on this list. Because everything else is either fairly new in the "stupid" canon, or it at least pretends to be relevant. Making signs and painting your body, on the other hand, has been stupid for at least 40 fucking years and has only gotten worse. And the assholes that do this shit are the same assholes that make fun of guys for dressing like Darth Vader at movie premieres. Thanks, shirtless guy wearing a dog mask and holding a big "D" in the freezing cold. Remember to call your depressed wife to tell her you're on TV. You're on that thing you usually watch Walker, Texas Ranger on! WOW!

Complaining about stuff that will never change - Uhh.....

Leaving comments - Just like everything else, I got the appeal when this exercise was in its infancy. 'Yowza! The stuff I type can be read by everyone in the world! I'm gonna knock 'em for a loop with "Firsties!"' But there's absolutely no reason for this anymore. Especially since everyone now has a blog where they can so easily expound on "lol".

What did you think of this list? I'd like to know. Leave a comment below!

Comments (1) - View Comments - Add A Comment

serasara  12/23/08 3:11 pm
I didn't think anything could make me laugh out loud or help with my current lifestyle (which is just fucking embarrassing it's such a caricature of reality). You are a breath of reality. Thank you for your website.


-----Original Message-----

9/11 was an inside job... From: Rude Frenchie

A shirt that makes fun of Alzeimers /_and_/ 9-11? Why don't you throw abortion and lynching into the mix? There's still a few people out there you won't upset or insult with that shirt. You're pathetic.

Editor's Note: Getting upset about a 9-11 joke? Please, that is so 9-11. It's been seven years. Making a 9-11 joke at this point in time is about as offensive as making a joke about Kennedy getting his brains splattered all over his whore of a wife.

We didn't make that joke to get anyone's dander up. We simply felt it was clever wordplay. Sometimes funny is just funny. Like jokes about AIDS, cancer, child molestation, and dragging homosexuals and/or black homosexuals behind your truck. It's like slipping on a banana peel. It's just universally funny and it's only meant to offend powerful banana lobbyists.

On the other hand, we fully intended to offend people with Alzheimer's. We consider it a challenge. Have you ever tried upsetting someone with Alzheimer's? It's virtually impossible. You can pull the most inappropriate, distasteful comment out of your ass and the biggest response you'll get is "WHY YOU...Aunt Martha brought butterscotch candies for everyone. My pony used to love eating caterpillars."

And let me close by saying that Rude Frenchie should be lynched and aborted. Vive la go sniff your dad's taint.

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joy division

-----Original Message-----

From: Jeannie L.

My ex-husband had the kids this past weekend and he gave my 14 year old son one of your shirts as a gift. my son was subsequently sent home from school for the day for wearing it in class. Your company should be held liable in a situation like this. I was humiliated.

Editor's Note: You're right. We accept full responsibility in this matter. I'm sure your son is totally pissed at us for allowing him to skip a day of school.

Wait...that probably means he had to spend the rest of the day with you. Damn, I'm sorry about that, kid. We're just trying to sell some funny shirts here. I didn't realize I forced you to spend an extra seven hours taking "frigid bitch" lessons.

Just say the word and I'll have my friend Crowbar Jim go all "blindfolded retard" on your mom's dumb ass. With her out of the way you'll be able to kick it with your dad, all the while wearing shirts inappropriate for a teenager and drinking to excess every night until you die in a tragic car accident and get the big spread in the yearbook. You're welcome.

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division of labor

-----Original Message-----

From: Walsh

i've been wearing the Hung Like A Horse shirt on a weekly basis ever since i got it and have yet to get laid because of it.....i want my money back

Editor's Note: Dang, I really hate to refund money. If I toss some pussy your way will you forget this whole thing? I wish I could offer you mine, but it's on loan to the government of Uzbekistan.

How about my mom's? It's pretty well-worn, but it still gets the job done. At least that's what the dock workers tell me. If that won't cut it, I don't know what to do. Usually when I'm offering snatch as recompense it's your mother's, but I'd feel weird offering you a go at such familiar territory.

This may seem ridiculous, but may I suggest the fault lies with you and not with the shirt. George Clooney could wear a potato sack and wrap his cock in barbed wire and still get some trim. The shirt is pulling its weight and then some. You're the one whose homosexuality is so overwhelming that it thwarts the efforts of a shirt with an excellent track record.

I suggest you donate it to someone who has a realistic chance of getting some action with it. Like a geriatric drifter or a dead Serbian.

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does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Submission-----

From: Julia K.

Your Myspace page sucks. Just so you know.

Editor's Note: MySpace? Is that thing still around? And you say T-Shirt Hell has a MySpace page? This is all news to me. Horribly uninteresting news.

Instead of criticizing our MySpace page, I suggest you do as we do, and pay absolutely no attention to it. While you're at it, do the same thing with your MySpace account. Better yet, close it and get an actual fucking life.

Jesus Christ...we have someone dick around with MySpace because it's their fucking job. I'd hate to meet the goddamn loser who actually gets on MySpace during their free time. "But that's millions upon millions of people," you say? Exactly. Now take a quiz to see if you're a dumb bitch or an ignorant cunt.

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division of labor

[Seize the Gays]

Great oaks from little acorns grow. Then again, a single sperm can grow a retard or a midget. So take all quotes with a grain of salt.