The Mid-September Thing
This week marks the five-year anniversary of the biggest sweeps stunt in the history of television. 9-11 was landmark television in every sense of the term, even inspiring a handful of movies and countless books on the subject.
But it was both a blessing and a curse. The networks collaborated to bring us a spectacular event, but they may have blown their collective load. Or, to put it in TV terms, jumped the shark. TV since then has offered us very few, if any, amazing events. When Janet Jackson's exposed tit is the biggest event in half a decade of television, you've got problems.
So to all the TV execs out there: get creative. I realize how hard it is to be original. I mean, it took you over 30 years to trump the moon landing with 9-11, but you can do it again. If all else fails, you can bring in a celebrity guest star to perpetrate a terrorist act. Just imagine how many viewers would tune in to see Al Pacino and Bob Saget fly a plane into the Empire State Building.
Or, failing that, you could introduce the concept of terrorism as a game show. See how many targets a contestant could destroy in under a minute and, using text-messaging, make it interactive for the home viewer. People could vote on their favorite jihadist or suggest which structures they wish to see destroyed. The possibilities are endless.
In more important news, Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray. Better known as the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin dedicated his life to not being killed by stingrays. He ultimately failed, but don't shed any tears for him. I'm sure he's hunting crocs in heaven right now. And a few minutes from now God will see what else is on.
New Shirts - Now With 25% More Nun Tears
We've added enough new shirts to choke a horse. Incidentally, it takes only one of any of our new shirts to choke a DMV employee. I guess I could've just assumed the rest of the shirts would've done the job after I finished with the first one, but I like to be thorough.
But I'm not here to talk about my Sunday ritual, I'm here to talk about new shirts. We've got shirts for non-virgins, assholes and national champions. If you aren't all of those things, you don't deserve a new shirt. We've also added a shirt which explains why Americans needn't worry about global warming. And a few more shirts that the New Zealand government won't let me talk about here. You'll have to check them out for yourself.
All of our new shirts are here:
T-Shirt Hell Blog
In T-Shirt Hell news, we are proud to announce the debut of our very own blog page. We'll do our best to offer you the same outrageous opinions and straightforward attitude that has made the name T-Shirt Hell synonymous with dark humor.
Whether the topic is religion, politics, racism, or even something as light-hearted as abortion, we will pull no punches on the issue. So call your friends, gather 'round the computer and check out the only team of bloggers dedicated to making God commit suicide.
Are You Ready for Some One-sided Football!
Football season has officially started and I could not be more excited. The amazing catches, incredible rushes, fantastic sexual assault cases and unbelievable drug abuse are just a few of the reasons I stay glued to my set every Sunday.
However, the problem with football, and the problem with sports in general, is that you never know who's going to win. Even teams that are heavily favored don't always win. It's all well and good to be loyal to a team, but if the end of the season sees them not qualifying for the playoffs, it's as if you've wasted the past several months of your life.
With this in mind, I have decided to create the Fair Weather Football League. It's for those of us who always root for the overdog and don't want to stick with our team during the hard times. The FWFL will pit able-bodied athletes against opponents who are handicapped in the style of my choosing.
You may be asking "What happens when two of the healthy teams face off against each other?" Therein lies the genius of my idea. There will only be one team that has no disabilities or handicaps. They will simply compete with a different team of inferior athletes week after week.
Similarly, no handicapped team will play against another handicapped team. They would each have an equal chance of winning and that undermines the concept behind the FWFL.
Now that I've given you the basic idea, let me get into more detail. FWF will be made up of one team whose entire roster will include nothing but well-conditioned men between the ages of 20-34 and several teams composed of men (and women) who are physically (or mentally) unable to compete in a realistic fashion. Here's a brief rundown of just a handful of teams that will do battle against the healthy athletes of the FWFL.
One team will be made up of men and women between the ages of 80 and 90. I'm aware of the fact that many of these senior citizens will be killed during the course of a game, but I've thought ahead. There will be a bin of old people on the sidelines that will be activated for play as they are needed.
Another team will be comprised of women that have been stricken with breast and/or ovarian cancer. You may say that even perfectly healthy women would be easily defeated by a group of men in their prime, but in FWF we will be taking absolutely no chances on an upset.
There will also be a team of men with Down Syndrome or other developmental disorders. Now...I realize retards have a tendency to be pretty strong, so to further handicap them, we will tether them to the ground with a rope that has no more than ten feet of slack.
That's just the tip of the iceberg. If this league takes off I plan on branching out into a large variety of sports. Some prospects include a boxing league featuring boxers with no arms, an ultimate fighting league that will see grown men battle babies whose hands are tied behind their backs and a basketball league with several all-white teams.
Nothing is set in stone at the moment. These are all just rough ideas and the sky is the limit. We can bring in people with phobias, the blind, the deaf, the dead, the list goes on and on. As long as the winner of each contest is a foregone conclusion, the spirit of the FWFL will remain intact. So get your tickets now and don't forget to bring the wife and kids. Who knows, we may need the extra players.
All Aboard the Hate Train - First Stop: Conjoined Twins
Sent: Saturday, July 22, 2006 2:52 AM
Subject: I'm a concerned person!
I think your web-site is evil! I feel sorry for everyone involved in it in any way! The world doesn't need anymore ignorance!!! Try something decent, see how much better your life goes, & how better you'll feel about yourself.
(Editor's Note: It's weird that you feel sorry for everyone involved with our website in any way, because the second you started writing your email you became involved in it. In much the same way that Eminem's detractors helped popularize him, people like you do a wonderful job of advertising for T-Shirt Hell.
You tell all of your friends and acquaintances about this "evil" website you saw, and in doing so you tell a bunch of people that were never going to check it out anyway. They check into it out of curiosity, realize that you're a dumb bitch and our shirts are actually quite funny and, voila, we've got another customer.
However, I do agree with you on one point. The world certainly doesn't need any more ignorance. That's why we do our part to educate the general public with shirts that spread the truth about rape, midgets and abortion. I don't study those things for hours on end just so some dumbass named "Pumpie" can call me ignorant. Now get back on the short bus. The rest of the retards are starting to lose their self-esteem.)
From: Fredericka O.
Sent: Monday, July 24, 2006 2:41 AM
Wow, don't you guys think you're so cool?
So I see this is the outcome that results from getting rejected by the cool people in high school and flunking all of your classes. You create a site that makes vulgar t-shirts that make you feel 'witty' and 'rebellious', ohh great, that's neat. I wish to congratulate you all at t-shirt hell for completely failing in society and bringing it down further. Not. "DUUDE, THAT'S PORNILICIOUS, THANKS!!", you may say. Well, you're not very welcome.
"your little princess is my little whore" is not exactly something that people want to read. "i take the 'the' out of psychotherapists", shit--it speaks for itself. Why are you trying to promote rape? Do you like how it destroys peoples' lives? Try having someone close to you get molested or raped and see how it feels. Being in that situation, I know that it feels really shitty.
Remember, the people who buy your merchandise are merely sluts and losers who think they're being badd, but are really fatasses who take pictures of themselves and have nothing else better to do. Oh, like, I don't know, your 'whores of the month'? Cool, she's hot, but she carries a whopping 1.2 GPA and no sign of a future. What are your customers doing right now? I don't know, most likely just hanging out at mom's house, having diarrhea or downing a cheesy big mac from McDonald's as they gain fifty pounds.
You people are only promoting this madness, not preventing it. So now I see you guys are attracting the best out of our world. You know, maybe that's why i never saw your t-shirts on anyone in my life until i was reading a blog that complained about your site. It's because 1.) Your fans are cowards that would never want to wear that crap in public 2.) I actually have class, so I never see anyone with that kind of bull on them.
Maybe you people at this site think this kind of vulgarity is just a joke, so it shouldn't be taken seriously. It's not that I'm easily hurt (believe me, not at all), but others really can be. Don't make fun of people who never did anything to--it's immoral. And, especially, don't ever lower the value of women in society. I'm not a feminist but I do see that men and women don't stand on a common ground. Your shirts only widen the gap between them.
Many others and I encourage you people to not keep this stuff up. One day, it'll result in possibly lawsuits, and/or a sadd removal of your site off the Internet. I know you don't care if you offend anybody, but I know deep down that you do. Sound cliche to you? The only reasons cliches are ignored so often is because they're painfully true. Encourage people to make better decisions, not to screw themselves over and become morons please. We're all better than that. Do something meaningful. Just trying to help, really.
P.S. If you REALLY believe that what you do at this site is perfectly fine, you should have the decency and courage to respond.
(Editor's Note: I'm sorry this is so long. I considered shortening this email, but every single word is gold. It's several hundred words of paint-huffing goodness that I wanted to share with the world.
My favorite part of the incredibly long emails is that these people really think they're saying something. It's one thing to get pissed about a shirt and rattle off a quick "Fuck you," but to sit there and stew in your own cunt-juice long enough to write this novel is another level of idiocy.
So what the hell can I say that her email already hasn't? I could insult her intelligence, insignificance, hypocrisy and about a dozen other things, but every point I want to attack her on is followed up by something funnier than I could think of. I think the more you write the more likely you are to contradict yourself. Like saying that we mean nothing right before saying we have an adverse effect on society.
If we mean nothing, great for you, we're irrelevant. But if we bring society down, even greater for you, we've given you an enemy to despise in your otherwise meaningless existence. So instead of berating us you should be thanking us for giving you a purpose. Now scurry off to your poetry slam, you stupid sow. P.S. Show me your tits.)
From: Stefan Du T.
Sent: Wednesday, August 02, 2006 2:36
Subject: Dumb fucking Americans
Why is it that every American is such a dumb fuck? That includes you to, Ed! That hate mail you got from the retired (retarded) soldier for example; Every war america ever participated in wasn't their own. WW2, Vietnam? The only reason why they did was to keep the economy going! You butt fucking americans never ever had a reason to fight for your freedom! The Afghan and Irak war wasn't a war for your freedom either! It's called bombing the shit out of a country and making the economy strronger!
As for the ground troops, I bet you they get a fat check at the end of the day! And why should anyone care for them? They've chosen to be there. It's not our fault they were to dumb to do something else, or war crazy people with an american flag hanging from their porch and have pictures of M-16 rifles on the wall!!! Don't complain that you're an idiot! Or did you think that the bullets in the mid-east are made of rubber! Oh, your countries president is an idiot! Besides, we have black people here doing the same job!
Now Ed!! Don't you think maybe you should've gone studying English literature? I mean if you're so hard up on everyones spelling/grammar/typing mistakes etc. etc. maybe there's a calling for you that you might be unaware of!!! But it confuses me, coz English is already such a stupid language, why do you even bother. Besides, american already fucked it up, with your 'americanism!' If you wana you make fun of people for their mistakes, you should probably make sure you using it correctly! Neighbour for example is spelled with a "OU", fucking idiot!! Maybe you can forward this email to your Freedom fighter??? Get a life!
(Editor's Note: I know, I know...two long emails in a row. I'm sorry, they're just both so great I didn't want to skip either one. At least this guy makes a point. It's just as stupid and, based on the details of his email, he insults himself more than us. But still, at least he did his best to struggle through his personal prison of faulty chromosomes to attack us.
I don't know if I've ever heard of someone being this flat-out stupid and a conspiracy theorist at the same time. Conspiracy theorists are crazy and misguided, but rarely are they down-to-the-bone dumbfucks. As to your idea about the US waging wars for the economy: I certainly hope so. I didn't transfer all of my Confederate slave holdings to Halliburton for no reason.
Finally, I can only assume you intentionally made numerous grammatical errors while calling out America for ruining the English language. I personally don't care if someone spells "neighbor" with or without the letter U. I think what we say is more important than how we say. So I hope you'll understand when I call you a cheese-eating twat who reeks of body odour. Bonjour, douchebag.)
Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow - Despite the Fact That It Tastes Salty
Don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. His gay, retarded, ugly, overweight, dumbass shoes.