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09/13/05

Kanye West said that President Bush doesn't care about black people. I think this was an incredibly insensitive statement. It was especially hurtful to the hundreds of millions of other people the President doesn't care about.

[New Shirts provide Hurricane Relief]

We have 6 new shirts. We were adding them as fast as we could, so depending when you opened your last newsletter, you may have seen some of them. But all of the shirts are going to provide hurricane relief. Not monetary relief, but relief from all of the ugly negative coverage by a clearly biased media. I've never seen a group of people so openly anti-hurricane in my whole life.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt527n.htm

[Hollywood Hurricane]

Oprah Winfrey is a close personal friend of mine. We're both wealthy, successful, influential black women so we have a lot in common. We've shared a lot of laughs, a lot of tears, and a lot of the same cock. One time we strapped on 12 inch studded dildos and double teamed Jamie Foxx. I like to think we were the inspiration for all that, "hey ho" screaming he did at the last round of award shows. And when he ate a quart of mayonnaise out of Oprah's ass and came up smiling? Well, they should have given him the Oscar just for that.

Recently, Oprah brought her Team Angel Relief bus to the casting offices of The Surreal Life and Celebrity Fit Club; shanghaied a group of B-List celebrities; and brought them down to New Orleans to help out with the relief effort. Due to my close personal relationship with Oprah, I have some exclusive stories from her trip.

One of these celebrities she took with her was Matthew McConaughey. McConaughey is best known for playing his bongos naked, and not being Matthew Modine. McConaughey said, "I understand the suffering these people are going through. On the set of my movie, "Sahara," I had to listen to Penélope Cruz go on and on about her milky vaginal discharge. Although with that accent it did sound kind of sexy. Plus, this one time on Celebrity Fear Factor, I had to eat a bug."

Another one of the celebrities Oprah brought along was Lisa Ling. Ling topped People magazine's 50 most consistently annoying people on the planet list for the second year in a row. Ling dazzled the local officials with hard hitting questions like "Hey, where did all this water come from?", "What happened to Old Orleans?", and "Can you recommend a good place for brunch?" Ling proved to be a big hit with the refugees when she and McConaughey did an impromptu rendition of the dirty Vietnamese hooker scene from his last hit "Full Metal Jacket".

Chris Rock helped to staff a food bank in Houston. He was almost beaten to death with a brick of cheese shortly after starting his usually popular, "I love black people, but I hate niggers" routine. Afterwards, several men in the crowd "reassigned" him from handing out sandwiches, and instead put him in charge of tossing their salads.

Oprah Winfrey went down to the devastated area accompanied by truckloads of food. The evacuees were devastated to learn that the trucks merely contained Oprah's breakfast.

At one point, Oprah tried to show solidarity with the refugees by sticking one of her enormous sausage legs into the flooded street. Water levels instantly rose 3 feet across New Orleans. Fortunately for everyone concerned, Stedman was able to coax her back into her bus by leaving a drippy trail of nachos up the stairs.

There have been many significant pledges. Diddy and Jay-Z jointly pledged 1 million dollars. Not to be outdone by black people, the exceptionally white Nicolas Cage and Celine Dion both pledged a million dollars a piece. But the most appreciated pledge so far came from local hero Harry Connick Jr., who has pledged to give up any more attempts at acting.

When pharmaceuticals were in short supply, Courtney Love donated the contents of her purse. It proved to be enough to keep all of the hospitals going for another week. "If that's not enough," she said, "There is a condom full of heroin lodged in my colon."

People have made a lot of noise about my hero Sean Penn. They say that his visit to New Orleans was nothing but a publicity stunt. Penn has been widely criticized for coming to New Orleans with a personal photographer and a leaky boat. Critics say that he's an arrogant, egomaniacal, self-righteous douchebag. When in actuality, Penn claims his visit was research for a new movie role. In the film, Penn plays an arrogant, egomaniacal, self-righteous douchebag.

As a final gesture, Oprah donated a pair of panties that was quickly cut up to provide blankets for over 10,000 evacuees. The mayor of New Orleans was slightly incensed by the donation. "I asked her if we could just borrow one of her old diaphragms and she refused." he said. "Now I don't know what we'll do until we can get a new roof on the Superdome."

[All Hail the Hate Mail]

----- Original Message -----

From: richard f.
Sent: Thursday, August 25, 2005 3:37 PM
Subject: a pissed of customer

Due to your t-shirt on the month I will never buy another t-shirt from you
ever again. The reason why is that I was one of the 123 students that came
back from Aruba. I understand the reason for having t-shirts like this is
to get a people, but that takes it too far, way too far. I just thought
that even you would know that there are lines to do not need to be crossed.
I also wanted to tell you that you have lost a customer. Take it as you
want it, but FUCK YOU

(Editor's Note: First off, I want to state for the record that I do not for
one minute believe that this letter is legitimate. Do you honestly expect
me to believe that a person with a high school education from Alabama is
going to send me an email with no spelling errors? Yes, the grammar is
egregious but I'm still not buying it. But of course if Natalee had stuck
to that long standing Alabama custom of only dating within her immediate
family, she wouldn't be in the situation she is in. Now I sincerely hope
that Natalee is OK. I hope that she is merely continuing her vacation with
a rakishly handsome pirate not unlike the one portrayed by Johnny Depp.
But regardless, the shirt was never meant to poke fun at her, but merely to
highlight the positive happy time that was had by her classmates. If you
were actually there Richard, you can't hold me responsible for your lousy
vacation. You can't expect the local goats to be as friendly as the sheep
you've been violating for the last 5 years, or for them to have the open
willing mouths like your mom and your sister; regardless of the tropical
plants you smeared on your tiny package. While I don't want to encourage
you to take rides with strangers, you might want to consider asking if you
can run a tube from their exhaust pipe into your room, which hopefully
you've had the consideration to seal off with plastic sheeting and
duct tape.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Austin R.
Sent: Tuesday, August 30, 2005 10:20 PM

hey, my name's austin and i'd just like 2 inform u that you really are an
asshole. I'm not a little goodie 2-shoes who stands up for the ones who wont
for themselves(in fact, far from it), but i still think u REALLY went
overboard with some of the E-mails... Like really! you must really have a
small, empty, hateful mind to say stuff like that(and i bet u were molested
and beaten when you were young). I actually LOVE your shirts, but i still
think u were really dumb... I can't imaging what those people will be
thinking about if they see what u wrote. And as it turns out, you probably
just used examples of things that happened and were said to you in your
childhood(which obviously sucked) and most of the people i these e-mails
were very polite... Anyways, if you have any stupid remarks to say about
this e-mail or my life(which u know nithing about) please send them to me at
austin*** @ **l.com

(Editor's Note: R U 4 real? My childhood was awesome! We spent most of our
time LOL when we weren't too busy ROTFL. I don't know anything about you?
Let me give it a shot. You are clearly still in the middle of your
childhood and I expect you are the product of over indulgent upper middle
class white parents who praise your C+ report card, your ability not to piss
on the toilet seat (most of the time) and who probably built a shrine for
your sad Little League trophy for "Second Most Improved". You're dull, and
you're boring and you're average; and unless you climb into the bell tower
with a high powered rifle, you will live a life of quiet, well deserved
obscurity. Do me a favor and go back to your fantasy football chat room
(where u rule u l33t haxor!) and stay off of our site.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Tracey Z.
Sent: Tuesday, September 06, 2005 6:57 PM
Subject: In really poor taste.

Wow - I am the first person to appreciate humor in bad taste, but come on! I
was going to buy some shirts from your Web site, but unfortunately you have
chosen to profit from the hurricane. I hope you will rethink it. It's pretty
uncool of you.

(Editor's Note: Tracey, you are clearly not the first person to appreciate
humor in bad taste. If you were, you would be sending us a letter of
congratulations. You would be cheering us on, and applauding our epic
accomplishments in the field of bad taste. We didn't choose to profit from
the hurricane, but we're not about to apologize for being a profitable
company. Who wants to run an unprofitable company? We choose to profit
from everything we do because that's how successful businesses function. I
hate being singled out as the only one profiting from the hurricane when you
know the Red Cross and the Salvation Army are just raking it in. It seems
like whenever there's a tragedy, those greedy bastards show up with their
hands out. The Salvation Army is a bunch of bitches who didn't even go to
Iraq. )

----- Original Message -----

From: Amy
Sent: Friday, September 09, 2005 6:05 AM
Subject: Thank You

Just A simple Thank You From A Katrina Survivor I live In Southeast
Louisiana, For All The Humours Katrina T-shirts Thank You We Needed Some
humor down here, need to make a shirt about FIMA there really fucking us
over down here... Oh From Half Of Southeast Louisiana keep up the good work,
and the other half would say the same thing I'm sure if they weren't dead.
if you'd like some pictures from the after math i have a few good ones
nothing major just some collapsed buildings and dead body's in trees.
thanks again!

(Editor's Note: You might think including the letter above is a bit self
serving. But people are always asking me if we ever get any positive emails
and here is the proof. It is also proof that our fans are not any better
with the spelling, the grammar, or the punctuation. Amy may have lost
everything, but she hasn't lost her sense of humor. And when it comes down
to it, isn't that what matters most? We are sending Amy a free 5XL shirt
and provided she's not a real porker, I expect she'll be able to live in it,
perhaps even get a roommate. Worst case scenario she can use it as a
bargaining chip with the marauding rape gangs, who have finally realized
that their stolen 61" plasma TVs are not that much fun without electricity.
Good luck and God bless.)

[Road Rage Cards]

When you're in your car, all that stands between you and the rest of the world is that thin piece of glass in your driver's side window. Let that piece of glass become your display case. Let it showcase your contempt for all of the other, lesser drivers. You don't need to shout to be heard. You don't need to flip them the bird. And as Dr. Seuss would say, "You don't need to hurl at them, a turd." All you need is:

www.roadrage.com

[The End is Near? Actually, it's right here!]

Pop star Mariah Carey is to perform on Michael Jackson's charity single for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, his spokeswoman announced on Monday. The single, tentatively titled, "I Like To Cum in a Little Boy's Asshole (The Hurricane Song)" is expected to be released next month. Carey said, "I like working with Michael, because next to him, I don't seem so bat shit crazy." Carey then removed her blouse, jammed the microphone up her cunt, and fellated her dog Scamp.

Success & Happiness