LET'S GO BACK TO MY PLACE (FOR SEX)
IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT...
I'M ALL FOR BEING SOCIAL BUT THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT
I COULD USE A LITTLE SEXUAL HARASSMENT
MARSHMALLOW ROAST
GUESS HE CAN'T (BARACK OBAMA)
ME SO HOLY ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
BLING-BLING
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
POP A SMURF
FUCKING CLASSY
I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH MIDGETS

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newsfromhell

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

The new TV season is here. The networks have rolled out their best shows in an effort to reclaim an audience they've lost. Nice try, TV, but we've moved on to other media. Like Twitter and cell phone games and... Please don't leave us, TV! We've hit a rough patch, but we'll make it right! Give us another right-wing pundit, give us Mr. Belvedere reruns, I don't give a shit! Just don't go! (falls to ground and grabs TV's legs)

Speaking of TV, Jay Leno is back! Talk about an unenthusiastic exclamation mark. I meant to say "Jay Leno is back" and then some punctuation that shows less interest than a period. I'm being too hard on Leno. After all, his job is to destroy all the positive energy in the world. What? He's supposed to be funny!? Goddamn he sucks.

Ellen Degeneres has been named the fourth judge on American Idol, thus changing the American Idol out-of-the-closet/in-the-closet ratio to 1:1. I just hope they remember to seat Ellen between Simon and Randy. I don't think Kara DioGuardi could concentrate on the contestants while being constantly finger-banged. Dirty dirty lesbians...

For the fifth season of her show, Tyra Banks recently went on-camera in her real hair. Meanwhile, her old hair started its own talk show. It's on right after Tyra's show and is pretty much just a wig lying on a chair. The average Tyra viewer was unable to tell the difference.

A Beatles version of Rock Band has just been released. I'm not too good on the music levels, but I'm great at being the ugly Asian bitch who breaks up the band. I'm also not too shabby on the level where you shoot Lennon in the back of the head. Time will tell if I'm good at the level where I have to make a bunch of hipsters overstate my importance.

Derek Jeter recently passed Lou Gehrig as the all-time hits leader for the Yankees. It's an amazing feat, but it's hardly fair to compare players from different eras. After all, when Gehrig played he faced the added pressure of playing for an audience that actually gave a shit about baseball.

Comments (11) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Horace  09/15/09 3:37 am
Hey, what the fuck??
Do you think you're funny? You're just things that make people feel shitty things. You have no respect for the things the... people... you know... feel. You should get a real job, asshole. Grow up (ehm... BEFORE you get the real job).
Fuck you,
Me

P.S. And, by the way, I know some S&M midgets who are great people. You should buy one and really get to know them before you talk.

P.P.(lololol... "pipi")S. Sorry, couldn't stand seeing no bashable retard had commented yet. Tata, sweetiepie. Call me.

i yoko'd my rowing team  09/15/09 8:56 am
Lennon was shot four times in the back, not the back of the head. Not that it matters, but just in case some kid is using this site as a research tool for his report on hippie martyrs.

Wiggles  09/15/09 4:36 pm
Get a "real" job? This guy gets paid to talk shit to a worldwide audience, drink beer, and blog about titties. What the fuck do you do? Oh wait... you already made it clear. S&M midget rancing. Can I rent one from you? They're way to creepy yo buy. I'd hate my job too if I had to chase those little bastards around and tie them up.

wiggles  09/15/09 4:54 pm
Get a "real" job? This guy gets paid to talk shit to a worldwide audience, drink beer, and blog about titties. What the fuck do you do? Oh wait... you already made it clear. S&M midget rancing. Can I rent one from you? They're way to creepy yo buy. I'd hate my job too if I had to chase those little bastards around and tie them up.

Anon  09/15/09 8:01 pm
What happened to the old TSH writer? Seems to have been replaced with Bob Saget.

Death Magnetic  09/16/09 7:39 pm
Um, maybe I can get on Idol and possible get to fuck Ellen and let her in on what she's missing. Or maybe she'll let Kara get the reach around. Either way, I win!!

scrappenthal  09/16/09 10:24 pm
Yeah, but Jeter had to do it with multiple STDs. That's quite a feat there...

groucho  09/18/09 6:06 pm
heybitches, how about a shirt with my heros' face( michael jacksons' pharmacist) saying "pharmacist of child molesters?

Lt. Commander Data  09/19/09 4:00 pm
At least Jeter did something that took work and practice. Writing the "Thing" and judging on Idol are two of the biggest sinecures this world has ever seen, right behind Surgeon General and Treasurer of the United States (left bottom of the dollar bill)...

Dr. Deth  09/19/09 11:11 pm
You only got 'bits & pieces' correct, Grouchy. It would be difficult to decide where the 'hero' pin should be gouged in. Maybe the shirt should read, "Thank God For Michael Jackson!....'s Doctor!" Then again, ANY piece of shit that would align themselves with Jackoff should be just as guilty as he was. No, whatever you are thinking, wrong. MJ was a Pedophile. Any one who could not recognize that is an idiot. Any person that would stoop to the level of association w/ that human garbage should have OD'ed right along with the fuck. ESPECIALLY the Pharm., DR. and/or any other "professional".
Any REAL Dr., Pharm., counsel, etc...would know that the is NO CURE for fucking PEDOPHILES! Ask any reputable Doc or look it up. They can put it in a 'remission' of sorts-with constant counsel, therapy, etc...And no, cutting off the balls will not work, they can still put their hands, etc..on a child and take their sexuality from them against their will! I have seen crushed lives of thousands of their victims.
I would prescribe pounding rusty nails into them and their associates; slowly, being cautious not to let em' die, for oh, 20 yrs. or more. The suffering they would endure wouldn't match the torment of real victims. His 'rediculous' trials proved only that the parents wanted $ above their own children.
Maybe the back should say"I support Militias against MJ's FITH BELIEVER's!".
That's Fucked in the Head.Now there is a HERO!

JoKer  09/23/09 10:49 am
dr.deth is feeling the hate


long division

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picture 1

If you've seen anything aimed at heterosexual males in the past few years, you realize they enjoy alcohol, boobies, people getting blowed up and little else. Between internet porn, empty-headed movies, video games, Spike TV, Maxim and the thousand magazines exactly like Maxim, I figure this segment of the population is pretty well covered for entertainment.

But instead of doing the obvious and offering you intelligent counter-programming, I've decided to hop on the pandering bandwagon and give you fellas what you want. Below is a sample of my hot new magazine: Beertitsplosion! It's got everything a person with a penis wants, including a brief interview with some tits that words came out of. Enjoy. (I know you will; it mentions boobs. Teehee!)

Dude-vice: It's advice for dudes!

Dear Dude-vice,

I want to cheat on my bitch, but she's always around me and shit. How can I cheat on this bitch?

Awesome Andy

Hey Awesome Andy. Congrats on having a bitch. I'm assuming you want to cheat on her because you've already fucked her. That's understandable. The first thing you want to do is to make sure she has a vagina. Everyone knows anything with a vagina has a brain so tiny it won't understand that you're cheating. Now get out there and fuck something! WHISKEY!

Substances to Abuse - The latest in shit to get drunk on

Lagerlingus - It's the brand new beer out of Sweden that drinks just like you're eating a pussy. I'm usually not down for anything from Sweden (neutral = likes to pound ass), but a beer that tastes like snatch? That's chug-tastic!

The Novakeg - Let's be honest: A life devoted to meaningless sex and mindless violence fills you with a kind of pain that can't be defined. At least not by your unthinking brain. That's why the Novakeg comes in handy. It is simply a keg filled with pure Novocaine. Hurry up and tap that fucker before you grow as a human being. MISSILES!

pic 2Shit to Do - Our guide to the hottest movies, games, TV shows and (jerkoff motion) books

Peace is the Enemy - Vin Diesel stars as Duh Gunman, a brilliant scientist who is pushed over the edge when citizens in his town keep not dying. When Gunman notices this plague of serenity infecting neighboring cities, he decides enough is enough. He begins killing people with a gun that shoots anvils. And when he runs out of anvils for that gun, he shoots people with a gun that shoots smaller guns. On our scale of one to ten football hoagies, this movie gets 20 fake tits.

Faggot or I'd Fuck It - This hot new video game incorporates voice recognition. Pictures of either a man reading or an almost naked hot girl will appear on the screen. All you have to do is shout "FAGGOT!" or "I'D FUCK IT" when each new picture pops up. And then you have to shoot at Eskimos for some reason.

The Pork Chop Book - We know how you feel about books (Target practice, anyone?), but this is one book we gladly endorse. That's because this book is simply a pork chop with "Book" branded on it. Books are supposed to take you on a journey, but this is one book you take on a journey... Through your guts! BURP!

picture 1Beertitsplosion's Top 5 List - This week: Top 5 Places to Cum

1. Her mouth.

2. Her pussy.

3. All over her "fancy" soaps.

4. In your boss's coffee.

5. In the theater halfway through the chick-flick. TRUCKS!

Hot Sticky Tech: All the latest gadgets for guys

The Boob Tube - It's the new TV from Panasonic that automatically puts giant tits on anyone appearing onscreen. Looks like the McLaughlin Group just got a whole lot boobier!

Roadkiller - The new iPhone app does nothing but show videos of animals getting hit by cars. And they've taken into consideration that the bloodlust of the ignorant is unquenchable, so they have professional drivers devoted to nothing but crushing God's creatures around the clock. THONGS!

Hot Piece of Chat - Today's interview: Alexa... something

Beertitsplosion: So Alexa, you're a model but you recently got into acting. Tell me about the undeveloped character you played in some generic slasher flick.

Alexa: Well I play-

BTS: That's great. Now tell me about your childhood. Let me guess, you were a tomboy and in high school you were really awkward and none of the boys liked you.

A: Wow. How did you know that?your mom

BTS: Because you're all so goddamn unique. We're almost out of time, but before you go, could you say something to make all the asshole frat boys reading this think they've got a shot with you?

A: No problem. I'm just one of the guys. I like to drink beer and watch sports. I'm also a bit of a slob and if the guy I'm with wants to party with his friends I'm totally cool with that. And I'm not sexually repressed at all. I like to have a good time in the bedroom. I get crazy. And if you want to bring another girl into the mix, I'm totally up for it!

BTS: Amazing, you hit all of the dumb slut talking points. No one in the Gossip Girl cast could've done any better. Bravo.

A: Thank you. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got ten photo-shoots where my nipples will be alternately covered in bubbles, a towel, a silk sheet, flower petals, my own hands, someone else's hands, my own hair and whichever graphic novel the fanboys are currently into.

BTS: Thanks for your time. And don't worry about the cover photo. We'll airbrush that swastika out.

Comments (16) - View Comments - Add A Comment

felixhelix420  09/15/09 4:22 pm
Fuckin' brilliant!

2 Ton White Boy  09/15/09 5:57 pm
Where's the sports section! I demand to know what notable games are coming up so that I may drink Lagerlingus while watching them. Also, the pictures needed some snarky comments.

jjp  09/15/09 6:51 pm
thank you for seeing through Megan Fox.

Charles The King  09/16/09 6:55 am
" ...heterosexual males in the past few years, you realize they enjoy alcohol, boobies, people getting blowed up and little else"

Aha, that explains Islamic fundamentalism then - options for beer and boobies being somehwat limited for those dudes!

Skronch  09/16/09 3:04 pm
I play "Faggot or I'd Fuck It" in real life. In my version everything but a hot chick is a faggot

wally  09/16/09 5:31 pm
the chick in the soapy pic has beautiful hair, i'd fuck it!!

Death Magnetic  09/16/09 7:44 pm
I'm down for the new iPhone app. But instead of the animals being hit by cars, why do we do a setting of where wetbacks are run over by off road vehicles driven by Border Patrol agents. Every hit it worth three chalupas and for every family hit, a case of burritos! Sounds like a winner!!!

Joe Six Pack  09/17/09 9:34 am
Beer that tastes like pussy? I'm moving to that country.

Snarl Betty  09/17/09 12:46 pm
Spoiler alert on the pork chop book: It's delicious!

The Freshness  09/17/09 3:54 pm
I can think of at least 10 better places to cum than the ones on that list

Saytan  09/19/09 5:28 am
Did you confuse Sweden with Switzerland by making a "neutrality" joke?

Public displays of ignorance ftw!

Lt. Commander Data  09/19/09 4:05 pm
I'll have the last poster know that Sweden was neutral in WW2, and has been ever since. The Thing writer is smarter than are you. As for the story, I have no clue what it was pointing to or trying to convey, which means I probably understood all I need to about it. And I prefer my quim with chocolate and whipped cream, tyvm...

Jack Smack  09/21/09 4:21 am
Not as funny as some of the other newsletters, but still pretty entertaining.

Who could argue with four pictures of boobs!

JoKer  09/23/09 10:43 am
sweden? switzerland? sweden pussy! switzerland?

Doctor Dick  09/25/09 12:23 am
It appears that the black lady who writes The Thing either : (A) is showing a true feminist disgust for the stereotypical simplicity of the American male, (B) had a recent run in with a rather boisterous, dumb, rude guy and is finding a way to vent, or (C) is absent and didn't write this article, as it lacks the usual wit and absurdly funny insults and jokes. Although discouraged from lack of the original bite The Thing usually has, I did find the Tourette's-esque exclamations of WHISKEY! MISSILES! THONGS! etc. amusing.

Jake Malicious  10/30/09 4:12 pm
Thank you Doctor Dick. Now the comments are going to be all about flames back and forth between feminitwits and nice-guys.


MOO!
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picture 1It's official: Enough people have said the recession is over that it's true. We did it the same way a fat woman makes herself sexy. The first few hundred times she says it she knows it's bullshit, but around the thousandth time, she is genuinely sexy, even though no change has taken place.

But despite the fact that manna is falling out of fat people and our midgets are producing gold coins at an unprecedented rate, things are still hard out there for many companies. I'm sad to say that includes us. People are prioritizing like never before, and for many, the fleeting comfort of meth and beer often takes precedence over the eternal happiness provided by funny shirts. (You bastards!)

So to help us through these turbulent times, we have decided to take on some advertisers. If you've seen our shirts you may think we did that long ago, but "fucking" and "swallow" aren't actual products. And we're not exactly CBS or a ring-girl's tits, so we had to take any advertisers we could get. So please indulge us and look over these ads that I didn't make up just now.

your momThe "Fuck Your Life" Burger - Carl's Jr. proudly introduces the "Fuck Your Life" Burger. We could give you some bullshit about using Grade-A beef and fresh vegetables, but it's hard to keep saying that with a straight face, even through advertising. Truth is, something fell to Earth behind our headquarters and we decided to use it for burgers. We had a retard taste it and he really seemed to enjoy it before his liver melted. The "Fuck Your Life" Burger: The FDA is lying.

The Abortion Jackal - Want to terminate a pregnancy but can't face the shame of a trip to Planned Parenthood? Order the Abortion Jackal. Kit includes one live jackal and a bag of rabbit meat to stuff in your uterus. We think it's self-explanatory, but instructions are included.

Cosley's Jew Detector System - Order this Jew detector system and never lose another night of sleep wondering if one of these disguised serpents is lurking in the shadows. Your wife's jewels belong on her body, not in the belly of a monster. (Illegal immigrant version coming soon.)

picture 1HipChurch - What makes HipChurch different from other trendy mega-churches? Simple: While those churches pander to you with their dressed-down pastor, we think too much of your intelligence to even have a pastor. Just drop by a HipChurch near you and drop your money in the slot. For a fee, we'll even install pneumatic tubes that lead directly from your bedside to one of our collection centers. HipChurch: All the pointless money-giving, none of the wasted time.

Ralphco's Midget Slave - You don't wanna do any of that shit. Have a midget do it. (Sorry, no black models available. Midgets of all colors are subhuman, but we don't need the ACLU on our ass.)

Big! Willie'z! Chain! Restaurant! - Do you like food? Do you like fun? Do you like paying too much for a watered-down version of both? Big! Willie'z! is the place for you! Come eat an undercooked burger in a noisy atmosphere while the drunk cunts in the booth next to you bawl out the waitress! And remember to force angry college students to sing you the birthday song! YEEEHAW!

your momWalmart - Shop Walmart. Why? Because we're fucking Walmart. What else are you gonna do? Buy the same shit for 50% more at Target in a feeble attempt to convince yourself you're fighting the establishment? You're pathetic. Fuck you and fuck your family. Walmart - Save money. Live better. Eat a dick.

Blackwater - Not talented enough to be an entertainer? Too out of shape for pro sports? Not motivated enough to be a politician? Join Blackwater: the only other organization that allows you to get away with sexual assault and murder. Blackwater: Hoo-Ra(pe)!

General Electric/Time Warner/Viacom/News Corp/Disney - We don't really need to advertise. Just letting you know we're still running the show. But we do appreciate your participation in our social experiments. Now get back to enjoying your "free will."

The Teeth-Whitening/Weight-Loss/Online-Dating and Job-Finder Emporium - All the companies who make those online ads merged to simplify things for everyone who spends the majority of their time online. Just drop by the Emporium and we'll take care of the rest. And if the building just looks like a giant incinerator... That's because it is. Just step in and get it over with.

Lavanthria - Enter the world of Lavanthria! The hot new MMORPG is taking the web by storm. "How is this different from all the other MMORPGs?" In Lavanthria, any character you choose to play with is an inanimate object. Be the rock and watch the world pass you by. Or choose the dead branch and be powerless to interact with passers-by. So enter Lavanthria: The magical online world that holds a mirror up to your pathetic face.

Comments (17) - View Comments - Add A Comment

mike  09/15/09 1:26 pm
what the fuck happened to this being funny? this shit is just fucking lame now.

tyler  09/15/09 2:33 pm
agreed, mike. ever since we lost the hate mail it's been downhill from there.

Duh  09/15/09 4:27 pm
You forgot penis enlargement for the second-to-last paragraph.

A three foot wide vagina  09/16/09 7:41 am
worst. newsletter. ever.

Joe Skipper  09/16/09 11:50 am
Looks like the truth in advertising people were all over this one. I can't wait to eat the fuck your life burger.

JTH  09/16/09 12:36 pm
god DAMN shit is too funny

Isidore  09/16/09 1:36 pm
Mike, Tyler, and 3ft wide vagina -

Quit fucking whining about how unfunny the newsletter is and unsubscribe if you think it's 'lame'.

I thought the Walmart thing was hilarious - and extremely accurate to the board of directors at Walmart's way of viewing the consumer!

Iman Azol  09/16/09 1:54 pm
It's Wackenhut that gets to be out of shape and rape people. Blackwater requires you to be in shape, AND, you must have an Extremely Large Penis for their rape squads.

Joe  09/16/09 4:52 pm
bring the fucking hatemail to the newsletter again, you worthless piece of shit

Sloat  09/16/09 5:33 pm
What a fuck'n moronic pile of crap. Loved it. keep up the good work.

Death Magnetic  09/16/09 8:05 pm
Where do I sign up for Blackwater? I'd like to work there and excel in sexual assault, my dream job!!!! XD

Klaad  09/16/09 8:43 pm
wow this months newsletter was like teabagging a hot cup of coffie, fucken painfull and really stupid

Anna Rexia  09/17/09 1:27 am
Does Blackwater accept overweight, out of work female musicians? I've always wanted to sit on some raghead's face. And fart.

Epileptic Dildo Extremist  09/18/09 3:12 am
Hey, shit stubs, I find myself having a giggle at all the Womb Juice that I read in this newsletter. Now, I'm off to join Blackwater, fuck a burger, shop at my local Walmart for a Jew and shove a Midget up and into a Jackal's Uterus.

Lt. Commander Data  09/19/09 4:15 pm
Who says you have to be in shape to join Blackwater? All you have to have is a big schlong (check), a bad attitude (check), prejudice against Ay-rabs and such (check), and enough knowledge of the law to know how to break it (4 for 4!). Just like being in the Army... can you kill? You're hired!

As for a face-sit blumpkin, I'll leave that to someone else. I refuse to waste good gas on an Ay-rab when it could be used to darken my skidmarks.

Now excuse me while I go buy my Jew detector... deluxe model, $299.99, comes complete with Zyklon-B...

josh  09/23/09 12:08 am
that is some of the funniest shit i have ever heard. keep up the great work. when i grow up i want to be just like sunshine megatron

JoKer  09/23/09 10:35 am
i can just feel the hate building


joy division

[The Fat Lady is Singing - And Being Laughed at]

Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Because it's probably your hand.



 
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