LET'S GO BACK TO MY PLACE (FOR SEX)
IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT...
I'M ALL FOR BEING SOCIAL BUT THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT
I COULD USE A LITTLE SEXUAL HARASSMENT
MARSHMALLOW ROAST
GUESS HE CAN'T (BARACK OBAMA)
ME SO HOLY ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
BLING-BLING
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
POP A SMURF
FUCKING CLASSY
I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH MIDGETS

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

The new TV season is here. The networks have rolled out their best shows in an effort to reclaim an audience they've lost. Nice try, TV, but we've moved on to other media. Like Twitter and cell phone games and... Please don't leave us, TV! We've hit a rough patch, but we'll make it right! Give us another right-wing pundit, give us Mr. Belvedere reruns, I don't give a shit! Just don't go! (falls to ground and grabs TV's legs)

Speaking of TV, Jay Leno is back! Talk about an unenthusiastic exclamation mark. I meant to say "Jay Leno is back" and then some punctuation that shows less interest than a period. I'm being too hard on Leno. After all, his job is to destroy all the positive energy in the world. What? He's supposed to be funny!? Goddamn he sucks.

Ellen Degeneres has been named the fourth judge on American Idol, thus changing the American Idol out-of-the-closet/in-the-closet ratio to 1:1. I just hope they remember to seat Ellen between Simon and Randy. I don't think Kara DioGuardi could concentrate on the contestants while being constantly finger-banged. Dirty dirty lesbians...

For the fifth season of her show, Tyra Banks recently went on-camera in her real hair. Meanwhile, her old hair started its own talk show. It's on right after Tyra's show and is pretty much just a wig lying on a chair. The average Tyra viewer was unable to tell the difference.

A Beatles version of Rock Band has just been released. I'm not too good on the music levels, but I'm great at being the ugly Asian bitch who breaks up the band. I'm also not too shabby on the level where you shoot Lennon in the back of the head. Time will tell if I'm good at the level where I have to make a bunch of hipsters overstate my importance.

Derek Jeter recently passed Lou Gehrig as the all-time hits leader for the Yankees. It's an amazing feat, but it's hardly fair to compare players from different eras. After all, when Gehrig played he faced the added pressure of playing for an audience that actually gave a shit about baseball.


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