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The new TV season is here. The networks have rolled out their best shows in an effort to reclaim an audience they've lost. Nice try, TV, but we've moved on to other media. Like Twitter and cell phone games and... Please don't leave us, TV! We've hit a rough patch, but we'll make it right! Give us another right-wing pundit, give us Mr. Belvedere reruns, I don't give a shit! Just don't go! (falls to ground and grabs TV's legs)
Speaking of TV, Jay Leno is back! Talk about an unenthusiastic exclamation mark. I meant to say "Jay Leno is back" and then some punctuation that shows less interest than a period. I'm being too hard on Leno. After all, his job is to destroy all the positive energy in the world. What? He's supposed to be funny!? Goddamn he sucks.
Ellen Degeneres has been named the fourth judge on American Idol, thus changing the American Idol out-of-the-closet/in-the-closet ratio to 1:1. I just hope they remember to seat Ellen between Simon and Randy. I don't think Kara DioGuardi could concentrate on the contestants while being constantly finger-banged. Dirty dirty lesbians...
For the fifth season of her show, Tyra Banks recently went on-camera in her real hair. Meanwhile, her old hair started its own talk show. It's on right after Tyra's show and is pretty much just a wig lying on a chair. The average Tyra viewer was unable to tell the difference.
A Beatles version of Rock Band has just been released. I'm not too good on the music levels, but I'm great at being the ugly Asian bitch who breaks up the band. I'm also not too shabby on the level where you shoot Lennon in the back of the head. Time will tell if I'm good at the level where I have to make a bunch of hipsters overstate my importance.
Derek Jeter recently passed Lou Gehrig as the all-time hits leader for the Yankees. It's an amazing feat, but it's hardly fair to compare players from different eras. After all, when Gehrig played he faced the added pressure of playing for an audience that actually gave a shit about baseball. |
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If you've seen anything aimed at heterosexual males in the past few years, you realize they enjoy alcohol, boobies, people getting blowed up and little else. Between internet porn, empty-headed movies, video games, Spike TV, Maxim and the thousand magazines exactly like Maxim, I figure this segment of the population is pretty well covered for entertainment.
But instead of doing the obvious and offering you intelligent counter-programming, I've decided to hop on the pandering bandwagon and give you fellas what you want. Below is a sample of my hot new magazine: Beertitsplosion! It's got everything a person with a penis wants, including a brief interview with some tits that words came out of. Enjoy. (I know you will; it mentions boobs. Teehee!)
Dude-vice: It's advice for dudes!
Dear Dude-vice,
I want to cheat on my bitch, but she's always around me and shit. How can I cheat on this bitch?
Awesome Andy
Hey Awesome Andy. Congrats on having a bitch. I'm assuming you want to cheat on her because you've already fucked her. That's understandable. The first thing you want to do is to make sure she has a vagina. Everyone knows anything with a vagina has a brain so tiny it won't understand that you're cheating. Now get out there and fuck something! WHISKEY!
Substances to Abuse - The latest in shit to get drunk on
Lagerlingus - It's the brand new beer out of Sweden that drinks just like you're eating a pussy. I'm usually not down for anything from Sweden (neutral = likes to pound ass), but a beer that tastes like snatch? That's chug-tastic!
The Novakeg - Let's be honest: A life devoted to meaningless sex and mindless violence fills you with a kind of pain that can't be defined. At least not by your unthinking brain. That's why the Novakeg comes in handy. It is simply a keg filled with pure Novocaine. Hurry up and tap that fucker before you grow as a human being. MISSILES!
 Shit to Do - Our guide to the hottest movies, games, TV shows and (jerkoff motion) books
Peace is the Enemy - Vin Diesel stars as Duh Gunman, a brilliant scientist who is pushed over the edge when citizens in his town keep not dying. When Gunman notices this plague of serenity infecting neighboring cities, he decides enough is enough. He begins killing people with a gun that shoots anvils. And when he runs out of anvils for that gun, he shoots people with a gun that shoots smaller guns. On our scale of one to ten football hoagies, this movie gets 20 fake tits.
Faggot or I'd Fuck It - This hot new video game incorporates voice recognition. Pictures of either a man reading or an almost naked hot girl will appear on the screen. All you have to do is shout "FAGGOT!" or "I'D FUCK IT" when each new picture pops up. And then you have to shoot at Eskimos for some reason.
The Pork Chop Book - We know how you feel about books (Target practice, anyone?), but this is one book we gladly endorse. That's because this book is simply a pork chop with "Book" branded on it. Books are supposed to take you on a journey, but this is one book you take on a journey... Through your guts! BURP!
 Beertitsplosion's Top 5 List - This week: Top 5 Places to Cum
1. Her mouth.
2. Her pussy.
3. All over her "fancy" soaps.
4. In your boss's coffee.
5. In the theater halfway through the chick-flick. TRUCKS!
Hot Sticky Tech: All the latest gadgets for guys
The Boob Tube - It's the new TV from Panasonic that automatically puts giant tits on anyone appearing onscreen. Looks like the McLaughlin Group just got a whole lot boobier!
Roadkiller - The new iPhone app does nothing but show videos of animals getting hit by cars. And they've taken into consideration that the bloodlust of the ignorant is unquenchable, so they have professional drivers devoted to nothing but crushing God's creatures around the clock. THONGS!
Hot Piece of Chat - Today's interview: Alexa... something
Beertitsplosion: So Alexa, you're a model but you recently got into acting. Tell me about the undeveloped character you played in some generic slasher flick.
Alexa: Well I play-
BTS: That's great. Now tell me about your childhood. Let me guess, you were a tomboy and in high school you were really awkward and none of the boys liked you.
A: Wow. How did you know that?
BTS: Because you're all so goddamn unique. We're almost out of time, but before you go, could you say something to make all the asshole frat boys reading this think they've got a shot with you?
A: No problem. I'm just one of the guys. I like to drink beer and watch sports. I'm also a bit of a slob and if the guy I'm with wants to party with his friends I'm totally cool with that. And I'm not sexually repressed at all. I like to have a good time in the bedroom. I get crazy. And if you want to bring another girl into the mix, I'm totally up for it!
BTS: Amazing, you hit all of the dumb slut talking points. No one in the Gossip Girl cast could've done any better. Bravo.
A: Thank you. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got ten photo-shoots where my nipples will be alternately covered in bubbles, a towel, a silk sheet, flower petals, my own hands, someone else's hands, my own hair and whichever graphic novel the fanboys are currently into.
BTS: Thanks for your time. And don't worry about the cover photo. We'll airbrush that swastika out.
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 It's official: Enough people have said the recession is over that it's true. We did it the same way a fat woman makes herself sexy. The first few hundred times she says it she knows it's bullshit, but around the thousandth time, she is genuinely sexy, even though no change has taken place.
But despite the fact that manna is falling out of fat people and our midgets are producing gold coins at an unprecedented rate, things are still hard out there for many companies. I'm sad to say that includes us. People are prioritizing like never before, and for many, the fleeting comfort of meth and beer often takes precedence over the eternal happiness provided by funny shirts. (You bastards!)
So to help us through these turbulent times, we have decided to take on some advertisers. If you've seen our shirts you may think we did that long ago, but "fucking" and "swallow" aren't actual products. And we're not exactly CBS or a ring-girl's tits, so we had to take any advertisers we could get. So please indulge us and look over these ads that I didn't make up just now.
 The "Fuck Your Life" Burger - Carl's Jr. proudly introduces the "Fuck Your Life" Burger. We could give you some bullshit about using Grade-A beef and fresh vegetables, but it's hard to keep saying that with a straight face, even through advertising. Truth is, something fell to Earth behind our headquarters and we decided to use it for burgers. We had a retard taste it and he really seemed to enjoy it before his liver melted. The "Fuck Your Life" Burger: The FDA is lying.
The Abortion Jackal - Want to terminate a pregnancy but can't face the shame of a trip to Planned Parenthood? Order the Abortion Jackal. Kit includes one live jackal and a bag of rabbit meat to stuff in your uterus. We think it's self-explanatory, but instructions are included.
Cosley's Jew Detector System - Order this Jew detector system and never lose another night of sleep wondering if one of these disguised serpents is lurking in the shadows. Your wife's jewels belong on her body, not in the belly of a monster. (Illegal immigrant version coming soon.)
 HipChurch - What makes HipChurch different from other trendy mega-churches? Simple: While those churches pander to you with their dressed-down pastor, we think too much of your intelligence to even have a pastor. Just drop by a HipChurch near you and drop your money in the slot. For a fee, we'll even install pneumatic tubes that lead directly from your bedside to one of our collection centers. HipChurch: All the pointless money-giving, none of the wasted time.
Ralphco's Midget Slave - You don't wanna do any of that shit. Have a midget do it. (Sorry, no black models available. Midgets of all colors are subhuman, but we don't need the ACLU on our ass.)
Big! Willie'z! Chain! Restaurant! - Do you like food? Do you like fun? Do you like paying too much for a watered-down version of both? Big! Willie'z! is the place for you! Come eat an undercooked burger in a noisy atmosphere while the drunk cunts in the booth next to you bawl out the waitress! And remember to force angry college students to sing you the birthday song! YEEEHAW!
 Walmart - Shop Walmart. Why? Because we're fucking Walmart. What else are you gonna do? Buy the same shit for 50% more at Target in a feeble attempt to convince yourself you're fighting the establishment? You're pathetic. Fuck you and fuck your family. Walmart - Save money. Live better. Eat a dick.
Blackwater - Not talented enough to be an entertainer? Too out of shape for pro sports? Not motivated enough to be a politician? Join Blackwater: the only other organization that allows you to get away with sexual assault and murder. Blackwater: Hoo-Ra(pe)!
General Electric/Time Warner/Viacom/News Corp/Disney - We don't really need to advertise. Just letting you know we're still running the show. But we do appreciate your participation in our social experiments. Now get back to enjoying your "free will."
The Teeth-Whitening/Weight-Loss/Online-Dating and Job-Finder Emporium - All the companies who make those online ads merged to simplify things for everyone who spends the majority of their time online. Just drop by the Emporium and we'll take care of the rest. And if the building just looks like a giant incinerator... That's because it is. Just step in and get it over with.
Lavanthria - Enter the world of Lavanthria! The hot new MMORPG is taking the web by storm. "How is this different from all the other MMORPGs?" In Lavanthria, any character you choose to play with is an inanimate object. Be the rock and watch the world pass you by. Or choose the dead branch and be powerless to interact with passers-by. So enter Lavanthria: The magical online world that holds a mirror up to your pathetic face.
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[The Fat Lady is Singing - And Being Laughed at]
Don't bite the hand that feeds you. Because it's probably your hand.
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