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newsfromhell


It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing
Oops, she sucked it again.

Happy Rape Week! What? You haven't heard of Rape Week? FDR created Rape Week in October of 1942, allowing people to legally rape anyone they want for a seven-day period. I can't believe you didn't know about this. Anyway, you've still got a couple days left, so make the most of it. Moving on.

In political news, top U.S. General David Petraeus has outlined plans for a withdrawal of blah blah blah...BRITNEY BOMBED AT THE VMAs!

You read that right. BRITNEY SPEARS performed poorly at an awards show! "How could this happen?" you ask. I have no idea. I mean, it's not like she has completely and utterly sucked balls for the last eight years. She was like The Beatles and Led Zeppelin combined. Actually, let me revise that formula. The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, 200 pounds of Twinkie cream, a retarded goat, and a vagina that got fucked with a barbed-wire cock covered in herpes. But still, her piss-poor performance? Yeah, totally out of left field.

Also, O.J. Simpson was arrested Sunday night for a robbery that took place in a Las Vegas hotel. You see? Eventually everyone gets their comeuppance. It's like that time Hitler got his car impounded in the early 60's for unpaid parking tickets. It may take a while, but ultimately the universe will balance itself out.

And somewhere in heaven, Nicole Simpson is laughing her head off. Assuming that in heaven they reattached her head.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that last week marked the 6th anniversary of 9-11. The nation has moved on, but the memory of that day will live in our hearts forever. And I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we will never forget that field in Pennsylvania. Rest in peace, small patch of land. We'll get Osama for you one of these days.

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New Shirts

Here we go again. Another set of new shirts for the same old you. Why is it always up to the shirts to change? Why don't you do something with your life!? Anyway, it doesn't matter. Our new shirts are so awesome that they might help make you awesome by way of osmosis. That's what our shirts call it, even if the court calls it rape. (That's right, another rape joke.)

Whether you were named valedictorian by way of default or you're an ironic nudist, we've got the shirt for someone exactly like you. Maybe even you. And if those don't tickle your fancy, we've got plenty more. And if those don't do it, my tongue will.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_091907_news.htm

long division

You think you're so fucking clever.

long division


Dance Magic Dance, Jump Magic Jump!I took the liberty of writing this email to your friend. You know the one.

Dear (insert friend's name here)

Hey man, thanks for sending me all that stuff from YouTube. I was just sitting here wondering what to do with my life, but I don't need to worry about that now because I have to watch an eight minute video of something titled "Chubby Hitler".

And thanks for all that footage of animals doing zany things. They were all hilarious. The monkey drinking its own piss, the dog on the skateboard, the cat using a toilet, the chipmunk looking funny...all of it was just brilliant. I thought I knew what happiness was, but these clips just took a big, steaming dump all over my preconceived notions. What'll they think of next, a hamster on a tiny pogo stick?

I also appreciate all the highlights of people getting injured. The skateboarder getting a pipe in the face, the guy shooting himself with a flare gun...oh man! I can't believe I used to do stuff. In the past I thought America's Funniest Home Videos was lowest common denominator, and now I'm watching the same exact stuff. But this is different. This is on the INTERNET! I can't believe that people even bother writing comedy anymore. I could watch that fat guy get hit in the nuts with a bowling pin every day for the rest of my life and laugh every time.

It's a pussy.  No, a box.  No, a vagina.Oh, and how could I forget all that shit I'm supposed to enjoy ironically? Look, it's Mr. T in an old PSA about eating all your vegetables. How lame! Dude, it's some crazy asshole showing us how to gut a deer on a public access show. What a jackass! But it's really cool for you and me to watch it, because we "get" it. Watching this stuff doesn't make us losers, because we know that only losers watch this stuff.

And please keep sending me everything you recorded with your own equipment. I really enjoyed your open mic set at the Goofballz Comedy Club in Tulsa. I could hardly even tell that it was you, and the audio was terrible, but other than that it was great. As soon as someone with some influence in the entertainment industry sees that bit about Tickle Me Elmo I think things are really going to take off for you. And that poorly edited sketch where you and your roommate are mime detectives? Just great. Keep it up.

Dear Diary: I made redness in my pants today!Well, I've gotta go. I just wanted to say thanks for emailing me all that stuff that qualifies as entertainment these days. And remember to continue sending me everything that you find even mildly interesting. The trailer for that new movie that couldn't even manage to be funny for 90 seconds? Let's have it. An episode of The Smurfs with audio from Goodfellas dubbed over it? Sounds hilarious, give me that fuckin' link. A digital short that Andy Samberg made for SNL that might've been mildly amusing before every jackass with a computer told me about it? Hell yeah, I wanna see that shit.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I want you to show me every single thing you find on YouTube. Thousands and thousands of people have gone to the trouble of putting every piece of nonsense in recorded history on YouTube, the least we could do is watch all of it. See you later. I mean, I would see you later, but I'll probably be busy watching a roller-skating turkey or a guy making out with a snowman. Goodbye.


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