Happy Rape Week! What? You haven't heard of Rape Week? FDR created Rape Week in October of 1942, allowing people to legally rape anyone they want for a seven-day period. I can't believe you didn't know about this. Anyway, you've still got a couple days left, so make the most of it. Moving on.
In political news, top U.S. General David Petraeus has outlined plans for a withdrawal of blah blah blah...BRITNEY BOMBED AT THE VMAs!
You read that right. BRITNEY SPEARS performed poorly at an awards show! "How could this happen?" you ask. I have no idea. I mean, it's not like she has completely and utterly sucked balls for the last eight years. She was like The Beatles and Led Zeppelin combined. Actually, let me revise that formula. The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, 200 pounds of Twinkie cream, a retarded goat, and a vagina that got fucked with a barbed-wire cock covered in herpes. But still, her piss-poor performance? Yeah, totally out of left field.
Also, O.J. Simpson was arrested Sunday night for a robbery that took place in a Las Vegas hotel. You see? Eventually everyone gets their comeuppance. It's like that time Hitler got his car impounded in the early 60's for unpaid parking tickets. It may take a while, but ultimately the universe will balance itself out.
And somewhere in heaven, Nicole Simpson is laughing her head off. Assuming that in heaven they reattached her head.
Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that last week marked the 6th anniversary of 9-11. The nation has moved on, but the memory of that day will live in our hearts forever. And I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we will never forget that field in Pennsylvania. Rest in peace, small patch of land. We'll get Osama for you one of these days.
Here we go again. Another set of new shirts for the same old you. Why is it always up to the shirts to change? Why don't you do something with your life!? Anyway, it doesn't matter. Our new shirts are so awesome that they might help make you awesome by way of osmosis. That's what our shirts call it, even if the court calls it rape. (That's right, another rape joke.)
Whether you were named valedictorian by way of default or you're an ironic nudist, we've got the shirt for someone exactly like you. Maybe even you. And if those don't tickle your fancy, we've got plenty more. And if those don't do it, my tongue will.
All of our new shirts are here:
I took the liberty of writing this email to your friend. You know the one.
Dear (insert friend's name here)
Hey man, thanks for sending me all that stuff from YouTube. I was just sitting here wondering what to do with my life, but I don't need to worry about that now because I have to watch an eight minute video of something titled "Chubby Hitler".
And thanks for all that footage of animals doing zany things. They were all hilarious. The monkey drinking its own piss, the dog on the skateboard, the cat using a toilet, the chipmunk looking funny...all of it was just brilliant. I thought I knew what happiness was, but these clips just took a big, steaming dump all over my preconceived notions. What'll they think of next, a hamster on a tiny pogo stick?
I also appreciate all the highlights of people getting injured. The skateboarder getting a pipe in the face, the guy shooting himself with a flare gun...oh man! I can't believe I used to do stuff. In the past I thought America's Funniest Home Videos was lowest common denominator, and now I'm watching the same exact stuff. But this is different. This is on the INTERNET! I can't believe that people even bother writing comedy anymore. I could watch that fat guy get hit in the nuts with a bowling pin every day for the rest of my life and laugh every time.
Oh, and how could I forget all that shit I'm supposed to enjoy ironically? Look, it's Mr. T in an old PSA about eating all your vegetables. How lame! Dude, it's some crazy asshole showing us how to gut a deer on a public access show. What a jackass! But it's really cool for you and me to watch it, because we "get" it. Watching this stuff doesn't make us losers, because we know that only losers watch this stuff.
And please keep sending me everything you recorded with your own equipment. I really enjoyed your open mic set at the Goofballz Comedy Club in Tulsa. I could hardly even tell that it was you, and the audio was terrible, but other than that it was great. As soon as someone with some influence in the entertainment industry sees that bit about Tickle Me Elmo I think things are really going to take off for you. And that poorly edited sketch where you and your roommate are mime detectives? Just great. Keep it up.
Well, I've gotta go. I just wanted to say thanks for emailing me all that stuff that qualifies as entertainment these days. And remember to continue sending me everything that you find even mildly interesting. The trailer for that new movie that couldn't even manage to be funny for 90 seconds? Let's have it. An episode of The Smurfs with audio from Goodfellas dubbed over it? Sounds hilarious, give me that fuckin' link. A digital short that Andy Samberg made for SNL that might've been mildly amusing before every jackass with a computer told me about it? Hell yeah, I wanna see that shit.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I want you to show me every single thing you find on YouTube. Thousands and thousands of people have gone to the trouble of putting every piece of nonsense in recorded history on YouTube, the least we could do is watch all of it. See you later. I mean, I would see you later, but I'll probably be busy watching a roller-skating turkey or a guy making out with a snowman. Goodbye.
Comments (16) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: ben&marcy b.
Sent: Saturday, September 15, 2007
I really considered cancelling my order with "can I pee In your mouth" on the reciept. Not funny and offensive.
Editor's Note: Oh, you were so close to reading the entire phrase. If you'd kept reading you would know that it's "I before e, except after c". That's okay. You've got bigger concerns than the placement of a couple of letters. I mean, the fact that your baby will be retarded probably weighs heavily on your mind. But who am I to judge you? I choke senior citizens with extension cords, for crying out loud.
So anyway...can I pee in your mouth or what? We don't just put that shit on there for decoration.
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From: Mauro B.
Sent: Thursday, September 13, 2007
Subject: Thank goodness for assholes like T-Shirt Hell!
Exactly that...thank goodness for assholes like yourselves who have warped their moral compasses enough to be able to stick any vulgar or profane shit they feel like onto a t-shirt and are able to justify it by calling it spoof or funny! In fact, the more repulsive, vulgar, racist, disgusting, crude, sick, twisted or just plain ignorant it is the better.
And thank fucking God that it really all boils down to making as much money as possible and there not being any kind of a real belief in the freedom to spew the bullshit you spew, because this is truly what America is about. The freedom to say whatever vile fucking crap you can possibly concoct in those insanely demented brains of yours, or more likely steal and coerce from the zombie like followers who are happy enough to give away their demented and twisted thoughts for a couple hundred bucks so that you pukes can turn it around into many thousands of dollars. Making money at the expense of whomever the fuck is having a bad time in their life, the sick, the poor, they dying, babies, children, the old, the starving, the mentally challenged... nobody is left out.
So, again... thank you for representing America exactly as the rest of the world views America...the free to do whatever the fuck they want, obnoxious, arrogant, would fuck your grandma, kill your children and eat your pets for a buck all the while becoming more and more vile in the defense of this right, U.S. of fucking A! Excellent work!
Editor's Note: The obvious thing for me to do here would be to sarcastically agree with everything this guy just said. You know, do the whole "deflate his attack by confirming it" thing. But I'm not going to do that. For one thing, he just used up the Earth's sarcasm supply for the next 20 years. For another, when you're attacked by someone you don't respond in kind. You up the ante. In other words, if someone pulls a knife on you, you don't pull out a knife. You pay a gang of hoboes 50 bucks and tell them to eat the guys' face off.
So instead of that, I would like to respond to all the people that seem to think making money is a bad thing. It is a mentality that is becoming more and more common in this day and age of useless hipster twats, but just because it's commonplace doesn't make it any easier to stomach.
Listen up, you army of douches: Making money is a GOOD thing. I know that college professor you obey wrote a book 30 years ago saying that buying stuff is bad, but the fact is that money gets some pretty awesome stuff. Those people you sponge off of understand that and it's about time you understood it too. If you want to be a smelly piece of shit the rest of your life that's great, but don't ridicule the same people that you have to beg for money after you've wasted your $100 monthly check on 20 song downloads and whatever gay stuff Starbucks is selling this week. Jesus Christ, you people are worse than hippies. At least hippies don't think they're relevant.
Also, this is not the first time I've run into someone who thinks our contest is a ripoff. Fucking shit, I don't know how someone gets it in their head that taking 30 seconds to submit an idea (an idea that, to be honest, may not even be that successful for us) for $500 is a raw deal, but I'd like to invite them all to suck my clit. It's not going to set anyone for life, but I think it beats the $7/hr. you loaves of DNA get at your regular jobs.
And again with the nonsensical America-bashing. Goddamn it, I'm sorry things are good here. I know in a perfect world our buses would be exploding on a daily basis and our female babies would mysteriously disappear, but I kind of like this country. It isn't perfect, but neither are you, you stupid cunt. Fuck off and die.
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From: Cheryl C.
Sent: Thursday, September 13, 2007
Subject: Your sad
FUCK WHITE CRACKERSSSSSSSSSS
Editor's Note: Ahh, that's more like it. Fuck white crackers, indeed. God bless you, Cheryl.
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Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2007
You've got some pretty funny shirts, but I can't buy as long as you have that photo of those dudes cooking a baby. There's too much of that REAL shit going on nowdays. People torturing babies and stuff. Take that crap off your site and just stick to the funny shirts.
Editor's Note: Fuck you. Just for this, I'm gonna go eat seven babies. I'll probably be full after the first couple, but I'll force some down if need be.
Your logic is highly flawed, by the way. You say we've got some funny shirts, but you can't buy them due to a picture of some guys cooking a baby. Well you've got electricity, don't you? Are you aware that the CEO's of every energy supplier in America torture and eat babies? It's true. You can look that shit up on Wikipedia.
Or is it just the cooking of the babies that bothers you? Well I'm sorry, but I refuse to participate in or promote the practice of eating babies raw. Call me sick if you want, but I was raised to cook babies over medium heat for 45 minutes and I make no apologies for it. If you don't like it, you can go back to Dumbasses-with-no-sense-of-humor-ville.
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The End - You Can Go Shower Now
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing. Which is ironic, because old people are hilarious.