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newsfromhell


It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing
Oops, she sucked it again.

Happy Rape Week! What? You haven't heard of Rape Week? FDR created Rape Week in October of 1942, allowing people to legally rape anyone they want for a seven-day period. I can't believe you didn't know about this. Anyway, you've still got a couple days left, so make the most of it. Moving on.

In political news, top U.S. General David Petraeus has outlined plans for a withdrawal of blah blah blah...BRITNEY BOMBED AT THE VMAs!

You read that right. BRITNEY SPEARS performed poorly at an awards show! "How could this happen?" you ask. I have no idea. I mean, it's not like she has completely and utterly sucked balls for the last eight years. She was like The Beatles and Led Zeppelin combined. Actually, let me revise that formula. The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, 200 pounds of Twinkie cream, a retarded goat, and a vagina that got fucked with a barbed-wire cock covered in herpes. But still, her piss-poor performance? Yeah, totally out of left field.

Also, O.J. Simpson was arrested Sunday night for a robbery that took place in a Las Vegas hotel. You see? Eventually everyone gets their comeuppance. It's like that time Hitler got his car impounded in the early 60's for unpaid parking tickets. It may take a while, but ultimately the universe will balance itself out.

And somewhere in heaven, Nicole Simpson is laughing her head off. Assuming that in heaven they reattached her head.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that last week marked the 6th anniversary of 9-11. The nation has moved on, but the memory of that day will live in our hearts forever. And I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we will never forget that field in Pennsylvania. Rest in peace, small patch of land. We'll get Osama for you one of these days.

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New Shirts

Here we go again. Another set of new shirts for the same old you. Why is it always up to the shirts to change? Why don't you do something with your life!? Anyway, it doesn't matter. Our new shirts are so awesome that they might help make you awesome by way of osmosis. That's what our shirts call it, even if the court calls it rape. (That's right, another rape joke.)

Whether you were named valedictorian by way of default or you're an ironic nudist, we've got the shirt for someone exactly like you. Maybe even you. And if those don't tickle your fancy, we've got plenty more. And if those don't do it, my tongue will.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_091907_news.htm

long division

You think you're so fucking clever.

long division


Dance Magic Dance, Jump Magic Jump!I took the liberty of writing this email to your friend. You know the one.

Dear (insert friend's name here)

Hey man, thanks for sending me all that stuff from YouTube. I was just sitting here wondering what to do with my life, but I don't need to worry about that now because I have to watch an eight minute video of something titled "Chubby Hitler".

And thanks for all that footage of animals doing zany things. They were all hilarious. The monkey drinking its own piss, the dog on the skateboard, the cat using a toilet, the chipmunk looking funny...all of it was just brilliant. I thought I knew what happiness was, but these clips just took a big, steaming dump all over my preconceived notions. What'll they think of next, a hamster on a tiny pogo stick?

I also appreciate all the highlights of people getting injured. The skateboarder getting a pipe in the face, the guy shooting himself with a flare gun...oh man! I can't believe I used to do stuff. In the past I thought America's Funniest Home Videos was lowest common denominator, and now I'm watching the same exact stuff. But this is different. This is on the INTERNET! I can't believe that people even bother writing comedy anymore. I could watch that fat guy get hit in the nuts with a bowling pin every day for the rest of my life and laugh every time.

It's a pussy.  No, a box.  No, a vagina.Oh, and how could I forget all that shit I'm supposed to enjoy ironically? Look, it's Mr. T in an old PSA about eating all your vegetables. How lame! Dude, it's some crazy asshole showing us how to gut a deer on a public access show. What a jackass! But it's really cool for you and me to watch it, because we "get" it. Watching this stuff doesn't make us losers, because we know that only losers watch this stuff.

And please keep sending me everything you recorded with your own equipment. I really enjoyed your open mic set at the Goofballz Comedy Club in Tulsa. I could hardly even tell that it was you, and the audio was terrible, but other than that it was great. As soon as someone with some influence in the entertainment industry sees that bit about Tickle Me Elmo I think things are really going to take off for you. And that poorly edited sketch where you and your roommate are mime detectives? Just great. Keep it up.

Dear Diary: I made redness in my pants today!Well, I've gotta go. I just wanted to say thanks for emailing me all that stuff that qualifies as entertainment these days. And remember to continue sending me everything that you find even mildly interesting. The trailer for that new movie that couldn't even manage to be funny for 90 seconds? Let's have it. An episode of The Smurfs with audio from Goodfellas dubbed over it? Sounds hilarious, give me that fuckin' link. A digital short that Andy Samberg made for SNL that might've been mildly amusing before every jackass with a computer told me about it? Hell yeah, I wanna see that shit.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I want you to show me every single thing you find on YouTube. Thousands and thousands of people have gone to the trouble of putting every piece of nonsense in recorded history on YouTube, the least we could do is watch all of it. See you later. I mean, I would see you later, but I'll probably be busy watching a roller-skating turkey or a guy making out with a snowman. Goodbye.

Comments (16) - View Comments - Add A Comment

foofoolamarr  09/18/07 6:03 pm
Youtube is soooooo boob tube that it has finally shot itself. And not in the foot.

foofoolamarr  09/18/07 6:07 pm
YouTube has become overridden with bullshit. Which is why I don't watch it anymore.

Boston  09/18/07 11:33 pm
luckily i have dialup still so i don't have to worry about watching youtube since it takes like 30 hours just to watch a 40 second clip.

and wtf is up with you foofoolamarr. write your comment in one post. or is the internet too complicated for you?

Ganius  09/19/07 6:44 am
Ok, enough with giving shit to other people for unoriginal T-shirt ideas, as this rant has been written and performed before much better by David Spade on Showbiz. I'm sure you could find it on YouTube...

phuque2  09/19/07 9:51 am
fuck you tube and fuck you..........you bunch of cock sucking, cum guzzling bitches. fuck you and your gods!!!!!! organized religion blows chuncks. kill yourself!!!

Kerfuffle  09/19/07 11:08 am
Dear (insert the author of the letters name here),

You are oh so welcome, for it has been me on the recipient end of the pleasure received from this little exchange program Iíve constructed for you. As a short term goal I hope to see my efforts payoff by you having a painful stroke that riddles your face with bells palsy.
It does, however, appear as though itís time for me to pick up the pace as demonstrated by your ability to break free from your pathetic existence long enough conduct random brain synapses to somehow formulate enough thoughts together to compose your endearing little letter.
To correct this error please enjoy this assault of YouTube clips that are sure to lead to your ultimate demise from what I pray will be a massive brain aneurism (an aneurism I hope to catch on film and post on YouTube) beginning with this clip of the penis shaped claymations know as Purple and Brown discovering which of their two orifices enjoy bubble gum the most. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DF0jZepcQSI

Capt.Rick  09/19/07 12:11 pm
Luckily you have dialup??? What because if you had broadband you would instantly be possessed by a demon that would force you to go to youtube and watch it for hours on end, until your brain started to melt out of your eyes? I sure hope you don't have a gun else you would absolutely have to go out killing people with it until you ran out of bullets.

Iman Azol  09/19/07 12:14 pm
When I am World Dictator, anyone who posts comments on a youtub video will be fed into a logchipper. VOTE FOR ME!

Archie  09/20/07 12:16 pm
So... we post our favourite youtube videos here, right?

Bohatnik  09/20/07 1:25 pm
2 things: First of all, why is this even perceived to be an 'issue' and secondly, how did I end up being so bored that I actually read all of this and one or two of the comments?
If someone's constantly sending you emails you don't want, refuse to communicate with them until they stop emailing you. If you're so desperate for friends that you're communicating with people who have no sense of humor or are also so desperate for friends that they'll send them shit that isn't funny just to email someone, make new friends.

Moi  09/20/07 5:44 pm
Ironic humor seems to be lost on far too many of your readers. For those of you other commenters who just can't seem to understand rhetoric (look it up on dictionary.com if you don't know what it means), he's asking people (primarily from this site) to quit bugging the hell out of him with stupid links. In other words, don't spam the man!

Jake Malicious  09/20/07 5:53 pm
Archie said, "So... we post our favourite youtube videos here, right?"

Sounds like a plan to me! I'll dedicate my next several comments to posting random youtube links, just to piss you fucking hippies off!

If you don't like it, you can always elect not to watch. You dumbshits.

Bugsike  09/20/07 8:27 pm
Oh Jake - It's like porno. We can't choose not to watch. Satan overpowers our will to think independently

Rockafied  09/21/07 1:54 am
hmm wow and people have this much time to waste ranting about youtube? no wonder they hate it they have enough time to sit here and think about it all day.....anyways i generally like the shirts on this website and if i find sumthing offensive i IGNORE It duh people you will be offended in your lifetimes

DementeD  09/22/07 7:00 am
I would pay cash to see a hamster on a tiny pogo stick, and if that hamster did a backflip while on the tiny pogo stick, I'd probably cream my pants.

Pulikev  09/24/07 3:08 am
Hey, Bohatnik.

The answer to both things is the same.

Because you're a cunt!!


space

-----Original Message-----

From: ben&marcy b.
Sent: Saturday, September 15, 2007
Subject: comments

It can't make it any nastier in there.I really considered cancelling my order with "can I pee In your mouth" on the reciept. Not funny and offensive.

Editor's Note: Oh, you were so close to reading the entire phrase. If you'd kept reading you would know that it's "I before e, except after c". That's okay. You've got bigger concerns than the placement of a couple of letters. I mean, the fact that your baby will be retarded probably weighs heavily on your mind. But who am I to judge you? I choke senior citizens with extension cords, for crying out loud.

So anyway...can I pee in your mouth or what? We don't just put that shit on there for decoration.

Comments (11) - View Comments - Add A Comment

foofoolamarr  09/18/07 5:54 pm
:::tentativevly raising hand::: May I please nominate for this situation Frank Zappa's classic rock composition "Why Does It Hurt When I Pee"? Nah, probably too many copyright issues that even an ambulance chaser wouldn't want to fuck with.

Jesus H.C.  09/18/07 8:10 pm
The angry black dyke that writes the "thing" can pee in my mouth anytime!

Jesus H.C.  09/18/07 8:10 pm
The angry black dyke that writes the "thing" can pee in my mouth anytime!

Kerfuffle  09/19/07 11:53 am
Then she can stab you in the face for being such dumb fuck --- should I type that exact same comment again so you'll understand it?

Iman Azol  09/19/07 12:16 pm
If a fat, black dyke does it, is it still a "golden" shower?

reaper  09/19/07 2:45 pm
pee tastes nice

Dwaine Scum  09/20/07 6:00 pm
foofoolamarr is a fucking retard. Someone please take his intardweb connection away for being unfunny.

Bitch  09/20/07 11:07 pm
Hmm...I'd love to know what shirt she bought that somehow was les offensive than "can I pee in your mouth".

and I just wanted to state,Dwaine? foofools post was by far more intelligent than your solely on the fact that his wasn't whining about someone elses.So please go play in traffic.

Bitch  09/20/07 11:08 pm
I need to stop posting while tired.I miss a lot of letters.

FUKIT  09/21/07 2:19 am
IN REGARDS TO 'IMAN AZOL'.........THE ANSWER IS , NO! THATS NASTY SKANK NIGGER JUICE. DONT GET IT ON YOUR CLOTHES......IT TAKES FOREVER TO GET IT OUT!

A Parks  09/21/07 8:11 am
What a douche! He can read the shirts and not get offended but the receipt is offensive. Well then, I'll jump on that bandwagon. I got an order in the mail this Monday and all my receipt said was "here's your fucking receipt"; what the hell??? I'm not good enough to piss on? I want my money back.


joy division

-----Original Message-----

From: Mauro B.
Sent: Thursday, September 13, 2007
Subject: Thank goodness for assholes like T-Shirt Hell!

NID MOAR VIVISEKTUNSExactly that...thank goodness for assholes like yourselves who have warped their moral compasses enough to be able to stick any vulgar or profane shit they feel like onto a t-shirt and are able to justify it by calling it spoof or funny! In fact, the more repulsive, vulgar, racist, disgusting, crude, sick, twisted or just plain ignorant it is the better.

And thank fucking God that it really all boils down to making as much money as possible and there not being any kind of a real belief in the freedom to spew the bullshit you spew, because this is truly what America is about. The freedom to say whatever vile fucking crap you can possibly concoct in those insanely demented brains of yours, or more likely steal and coerce from the zombie like followers who are happy enough to give away their demented and twisted thoughts for a couple hundred bucks so that you pukes can turn it around into many thousands of dollars. Making money at the expense of whomever the fuck is having a bad time in their life, the sick, the poor, they dying, babies, children, the old, the starving, the mentally challenged... nobody is left out.

Damned ugly Americans.So, again... thank you for representing America exactly as the rest of the world views America...the free to do whatever the fuck they want, obnoxious, arrogant, would fuck your grandma, kill your children and eat your pets for a buck all the while becoming more and more vile in the defense of this right, U.S. of fucking A! Excellent work!

Editor's Note: The obvious thing for me to do here would be to sarcastically agree with everything this guy just said. You know, do the whole "deflate his attack by confirming it" thing. But I'm not going to do that. For one thing, he just used up the Earth's sarcasm supply for the next 20 years. For another, when you're attacked by someone you don't respond in kind. You up the ante. In other words, if someone pulls a knife on you, you don't pull out a knife. You pay a gang of hoboes 50 bucks and tell them to eat the guys' face off.

So instead of that, I would like to respond to all the people that seem to think making money is a bad thing. It is a mentality that is becoming more and more common in this day and age of useless hipster twats, but just because it's commonplace doesn't make it any easier to stomach.

Money money money money!Listen up, you army of douches: Making money is a GOOD thing. I know that college professor you obey wrote a book 30 years ago saying that buying stuff is bad, but the fact is that money gets some pretty awesome stuff. Those people you sponge off of understand that and it's about time you understood it too. If you want to be a smelly piece of shit the rest of your life that's great, but don't ridicule the same people that you have to beg for money after you've wasted your $100 monthly check on 20 song downloads and whatever gay stuff Starbucks is selling this week. Jesus Christ, you people are worse than hippies. At least hippies don't think they're relevant.

Also, this is not the first time I've run into someone who thinks our contest is a ripoff. Fucking shit, I don't know how someone gets it in their head that taking 30 seconds to submit an idea (an idea that, to be honest, may not even be that successful for us) for $500 is a raw deal, but I'd like to invite them all to suck my clit. It's not going to set anyone for life, but I think it beats the $7/hr. you loaves of DNA get at your regular jobs.

And again with the nonsensical America-bashing. Goddamn it, I'm sorry things are good here. I know in a perfect world our buses would be exploding on a daily basis and our female babies would mysteriously disappear, but I kind of like this country. It isn't perfect, but neither are you, you stupid cunt. Fuck off and die.

Comments (30) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Jasper  09/18/07 4:44 pm
That last line is what I was thinking the whole time I was reading that guys rant. Fucking weak....

cold dead hand  09/18/07 4:49 pm
this asshold should be escorted out of the united states immediately. at least we would save some welfare money. what a fucktard.

Leishalynn  09/18/07 5:37 pm
I love it. You finally got an email from someone literate enough to actually use the word "whomever," and correctly. Not only that, this genius also says that you have "insanely demented brains"! I would kill for such praise. Maybe I will. Send him my way, will you?

foofoolamarr  09/18/07 5:51 pm
>Making money at the expense of whomever the >fuck is having a bad time in their life, the sick, the >poor, they dying, babies, children, the old, the >starving, the mentally challenged... nobody is left >out.

Boy, you be right about that. I'm on the end of the stick where they stick it in and break it off. 'Nuff said.

Harry Bastard  09/18/07 8:25 pm
I tried a few times to read Mauro's santimonious rant, but the triplets in body paint are too hot, and he's too boring. Between them and the pussy licking picture, it's easy to ignore assholes like Mauro.
I vote yes. Fuck off and die. If we get enough votes can we lynch him ourselves?

Elliot  09/18/07 9:48 pm
wow, this one really got to you, huh? that's a first....

roxie  09/18/07 10:20 pm
"So, again... thank you for representing America exactly as the rest of the world views America...the free to do whatever the fuck they want, obnoxious, arrogant, would fuck your grandma, kill your children and eat your pets for a buck all the while becoming more and more vile in the defense of this right, U.S. of fucking A! Excellent work!"

actually, i think T-shirt hell does a lot for america, considering i tend to view america as a place full of pompous bastards who censor everything that is in some way of non christian morality, and remains completely hypocritical in its seperation of church and state. Heaven forbid anyone actually truly have FREEDOM OF SPEECH because, after all, nothing corrupts the nation like a few words printed on cotton right?

asshole lol


Metalhaid  09/19/07 12:06 am
Whoa. Sounds like someone submitted some T-shirt ideas and didn't hear back. Fucking whiny puke.

Jake  09/19/07 6:04 am
I give this guy credit for being able to say as much as he did and only using two exclamation marks and 4 periods. It's just a shame everything he said was probably just an attempt to get his e-mail in the newsletter.

Matt  09/19/07 12:29 pm
I have to say if you strip away the sarcasm then what he said is just about right, it is great and a real testament to one of the few things that America does right, that you are free to say whatever the hell you want, regardless of how sick or offensive it might be.

Iman Azol  09/19/07 12:55 pm
He probably thought, "Make Love, Not War" or "Fight The Establishment!" was good slogan for a shirt.

Socialist shitbags hate money, because it's always people with money who hire them, and then fire them when they turn out to be lazy, socialist shitbags.

I'll be happy to sell his ass to some Libyan butt-pirates to make money I can use to order a drink while insulting the French bartender.

theycallme_G  09/19/07 3:30 pm
Good God, i can't express enough how much i love uninformed people. Fucking "Hello!". America is a capitalist society, founded on making money, anyone can do it if they get off their lazy ass. If this rectal-rocket posing as a human being had a single fucking clue, he'd be dangerous. But, like i said, thank God for the uninformed. P.S. God Bless America, Capitalism, Free Speech, and T-Shirt Hell!

Sucky  09/19/07 3:58 pm
It that a genuine clit sucking invitation?

Jaiden  09/19/07 9:59 pm
I thought he made a good point. You will pay somebody 500 dollars for a t-shirt idea, but then they have to sign away all royalty and intellectual property rights for the rest of their life. It's not about the amount of work they've put into concocting the idea, it's about how much you value their work which is the reason you are ripping them off. Furthermore, you DO create tshirts at the expense of others' suffering. "Mauro" does not seem to be against you abusing your right to free speech, he is simply pointing out the tendency in American society for people to generate incomes at the cost of moral bankruptcy. I say luck to you, I don't necessarily agree with everything Mauro said, but he deserved a more intelligent response than the one you gave him.

Lord Boofhead  09/20/07 12:57 am
Hey Fuck you! I'm a a socialist and I like money, especialy free welfare money that I can get for sitting on my arse! Fuckers!

Carler  09/20/07 2:28 am
And all this time I thought you were androgynous, turns out you're just too much woman to handle.

Anyway, I did think this guy was being sarcastic, not in a hatemail type of way though, though I'm not good at detecting sarcasm, even when such effort is put into it.

DonkeyTang  09/20/07 12:45 pm
Kudos to T-Shirt Hell for printing Mauro's right-on diatribe about the problems of FreeSpeech and Capitalism. Not only does this show that T-SHirt Hell has the right intentions, but also reveals that we may all be moving past the point when shit like this funny. For now keep up the good work!

Jennie  09/20/07 5:54 pm
Oh wow, that reply was fantastic. I wish I could say "that guy is joking" but I try to not underestimate stupid people.

But what I want is how would one go about "thank fucking God?" I thought "thank fucking" was like if someone covers your rent one month, so you fuck them as a thank you present.

Anyway that whole part didn't make sense to me at all. The rest of it just didn't make sense in the "you're an idiotic wannabe fascist" sort of way.

Ronald  09/20/07 9:21 pm
Rock on brother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

StoneColdLollipop  09/20/07 9:50 pm
"The freedom to say whatever vile fucking crap you can possibly concoct in those insanely demented brains of yours." Stop talking about politicians Mauro. Oh, I see, you get worked up about a teeshirt and not genocide, war and poverty. Glad to know the moral highground is soundly guarded by morons.

Bitch  09/20/07 11:17 pm
You know,after reading his rant...other than the comments about shirts...he could have been sending hate e-mail to a vaguely more zealous church.Perhaps he was to sad and pathetically cowed to send it to the priest that touched him in his naughty bits,so instead,you received it.
Joyous occasion...
Whatever lets you sleep at night without waking up screaming with a hardon,Mauro B.

Druncle CHimo  09/21/07 1:10 pm
You guys...
Give this guy a break. I mean, so many of the emails that show up here are so grammatically ass-fucked that it seems to take our fearless leader's editor's note to help us make sense of it all. But this guy, he at least was considerate enough to use microsoft word's thesaurus and we should be a least a little appreciative.

Now, it that ISN'T the case, which i may very well not be (as i dont think anyone name mauro could possibly have such a grasp on this language) then we should still give him credit for taking the time to cut and paste various phrases from past emails and call it his own. Because any of us who DID attend high school for more than a day plagiarized every paper we wrote. And ill be damned if there are any hypocrites on this website.

And it really did take alot for Mauro to get over that one thanksgiving when he was six, when his very inebriated uncle gave him his first reach around while fucking him in the ass, completely unlubed. And the fact that he was able to share a little of what it has done to his conceptual understanding skills is something we should not take for granted.

On the flip-side, if he really were into censoring free speech maybe he wouldn't have used the fuck word so many times

And I dont know about the rest of you, but being called a zombie like follower kinda pisses me off. For one, he forgot to put a hyphen between zombie and like. And for two, enjoying these shirts has nothing to do with zombies, although zombies would look pretty bitchin if they wore them. I submitted an idea for a shirt when i was like 14 or something. It never got accepted. Did i get pissed? No. Becuase it was probably a dumb fuck idea. I cant remember what it was exactly but my point is this: If youre gonna take the time to post shitsack emails explaining exactly how much of your own jizz you swallow then you could at least take the time to find more creative ways of intellectually raping me like mauro here, and not just some fucker who cant get 500 bucks on his own by beating up old ladies like the rest of us do.

Put some effort into it. And mauro, kudos.

Map To The Stars Bill  09/21/07 4:51 pm
The Editor and numerous commentators have ranted about most of the topics Mauro brings up. But recently a few e-mails have been posted that question T-Shit Hell's business practices in regards to the T-Shirt Idea Contest. Five-hundred dollars and ten free t-shirts sounds like a pretty good prize to me. Yes, idea-submitters have to sign away the intellectual property rights of that idea, but it isn't like they were doing anything with that idea beforehand. I doubt they were biding their time, waiting for just the right set of circumstances to come along that would enable them to create their own t-shirt company based solely on that single idea. There isn't some kind of agency that negotiates with t-shirt companies to get the writers a percentage of the gross and points.

Sure, T-Shirt Hell turns that five hundred dollars into thousands when they sell the t-shirts, but other institutions do that as well and no one says anything about it: Greeting cards, books, movies, television shows, video games, etc. All these media, and many more, utilize third-party writers to supply ideas. Hell, while writing this comment I saw two separate add campaigns on television inviting people to submit a video of themselves using the company's product and the company would feature the winning videos in a national add campaign. And those submitters' prize isn't even five-hundred dollars. They get to be on television for a few seconds.

Blue  09/21/07 5:14 pm
Wow! $500! It used to be only $200... and this ass is complaining? At least this one is slightly more eloquent than the usual haters you get. Meh, he just couldn't think of anything... I've got tons of evil bitter ideas and will happily accept $500 and some free shirts to not have to do anything at all but send in my idea. Don't have to design it, make color seprations, fight with the asshole at the printers... if the fool complaining had the Least little idea what running a company is like(or even working out most freelance contracts, which also btw, you don't get to keep any rights of not even for your portfolio). Again, suprisingly coherent for a 12 year old.

Japan Four!  09/22/07 5:20 am
Yes, you're such a greedy, money-hungry capitalist because you give people 10 free tshirts for doing nothing more than putting their name on a list. Money must be the only possible motivation.

oh noes I put us in the sarcasm negative

Stephen  09/23/07 3:11 pm
I love the conclusion to the editor's response here. The message in the last paragraph needs to be stated more, so I'm glad it was done. But I just had to comment that I love the way the last several words just roll off the tongue. Made it even more fun to read than usual.

Pulikev  09/24/07 3:21 am
'Making money at the expense of whomever the fuck is having a bad time in their life, the sick, the poor, they dying, babies, children, the old, the starving, the mentally challenged... nobody is left out.

Damned ugly Americans.So, again... thank you for representing America exactly as the rest of the world views America...the free to do whatever the fuck they want, obnoxious, arrogant, would fuck your grandma, kill your children and eat your pets for a buck all the while becoming more and more vile in the defense of this right, U.S. of fucking A'

You get to do all that in America?? How do I get a green card??

Vjg  09/25/07 2:57 pm
"It isn't perfect, but neither are you, you stupid cunt. Fuck off and die."
That has to be one of the best closings i've ever heard in response to these type of people.

Zach  09/28/07 11:48 pm
Pulikev: America doesn't need anymore fucking immigrants. for fucks sake we should either start drowning them by the thousands or open up a season on them with no fucking limit. fuck immigrants and fuck green cards. leave america as it should be (FUCKING AMERICANS) not United States of Immigrants. fucking load your mother shoulda swallowed

Laura  10/12/07 5:31 pm
That was wonderful. I am so glad to have read that editor's note. I enjoy the responses to the letters, but it absolutely makes my day when the editor's note is an actual rebuttal. And it was perfect, especially the bit where she compared hipsters to hippies. The only difference being that hipsters will always purchase from the corporations they claim to loathe. But I digress. That response absolutely ran circles around that guy's hate mail and made him look like a moron. Beautiful. I think I'm a little choked up.


division of labor

Cracker?  Please!-----Original Message-----

From: Cheryl C.
Sent: Thursday, September 13, 2007
Subject: Your sad

FUCK WHITE CRACKERSSSSSSSSSS

Editor's Note: Ahh, that's more like it. Fuck white crackers, indeed. God bless you, Cheryl.

Comments (28) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Jasper  09/18/07 4:46 pm
What the fuck is with all the hate on white crackers?? FUCK BROWN CRACKERS! Those slightly burnt pieces of shit fucking suck. And they crumble all over the place. Why don't all the other WHITE crackers lynch that bastard anyways? They're lost motivation these days. Sad, sad, sad...

food fetish  09/18/07 4:52 pm
i have tried to fuck white crackers. it is just not worth the mess. seriously. i'm sticking with fruit and defrosted pork.

Awan Afuqya  09/18/07 5:56 pm
Personally, I only eat Saltines and sometimes Triscuits with garlic, as they keep Mohammed away.

mark h.  09/18/07 11:41 pm
alright Gollem, i guess we can't all be shrivelled masses of whatever is in the bottom of my mini fridge like you. so yes, fuck white crackers, and with relish because i need some chunky lube.

Eric  09/19/07 8:41 am
hmm ... "Fuck white Crackers" Are you sure that wasn't a T-shirt idea instead of an angry email?

fuckit  09/19/07 10:06 am
"FUCK WHITE CRACKERS"?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WELL OF COURSE...... WHO THE FUCK WOULD FUCK A NIGGER?

GoofyBastrd  09/19/07 12:03 pm
CHERYL, IT MIGHT NOT BE THE CRACKER YOU HAVE THE PROBLEM WITH, BUT WHAT YOUR PUTTING ON IT. HAVE YOU TRIED HUMUS? OR ONION DIP? GLAD I COULD HELP

Tim  09/19/07 12:05 pm
You should put this on a shirt. Its kind of absurd and confusing so it would be perfect.

Iman Azol  09/19/07 12:56 pm
How about fucking a nigger with white crackers stuck to her with peanut butter?

Fucking spellcheck! That's PENIS butter.

steve bott  09/19/07 1:21 pm
and let not even get into it about those damned vegetable crackers

Name  09/19/07 1:46 pm
Fuck White crackers? but the holes are so small...there is not enough lube in the world to make that happen before they break.

Kerfuffle  09/19/07 2:05 pm
I'm of the opinion that one S wouldíve been sufficient Ė but, Cheryl decided on 10. Interesting.

yo mama  09/19/07 5:01 pm
Der ... what a retard. Time to pull out a classic on her: Go back to Africa you porch monkey!!!

Randall  09/19/07 5:42 pm
And porch monkey is not a racial slur... coon, spook, spade, booy, jig-a-boo and nig nog are... but porch monkey is not... EVERYONE NEEDS TO SEE CLERKS 2... it will make the phrase "Porch Monkey" funny forever.

Fucktastic  09/19/07 6:59 pm
hell ya baby...takin it back

Frank Marks  09/19/07 10:03 pm
Randall, you forgot about "Hampsters"

dry  09/20/07 11:20 am
I'm a white cracker. Please fuck me. PLEASE FUCK ME. I haven't had it in such.....JUST FUCK ME, OK?
I am a white cracker. FUCK ME.

k  09/20/07 2:52 pm
i dont like crackers at all. i like biscuits though. sometimes. sometimes i just dont feel like having a biscuit. then i have an apple

Bugsike  09/20/07 8:36 pm
Thanx k. I was out of crayons.

Bugsike  09/20/07 8:38 pm
Shit - I forgot - put me down for one of the fuck whit crakers shirts.

patrick  09/20/07 9:17 pm
fuck yeah, put it on a shirt, that is funny. but don't forget to give Cheryl the $500 plus a free t-shirt.

Jennifer  09/20/07 9:30 pm
ALl I have to say yo her comment is GOD BLESS AMERICA!

StoneColdLollipop  09/20/07 9:56 pm
Fuck white crackers, stuff a roll, and roast a baguette. Those bagels? Just asking for it, with that big dirty hole....

Bitch  09/20/07 11:25 pm
Hmm..I'm more sadist than masochist.. so I think I shall pass on the fucking of crackers,or any other scratchy food items.
Thank you Kerfluffle for finding the sibilance at the end of "crackers" as vaguely amusing as I did.
and I agree with "Tim
You should put this on a shirt. Its kind of absurd and confusing so it would be perfect."
I'd rock that.

White Cracker  09/22/07 4:31 pm
Hey Randall, you also forgot about "Mookie Sticks" and "Mr. Hankies"....Vanilla code for dumb niggers...oops let the cat out, guess the Steamers (steaming piles of shit) are gonna know we're slagging them off....shhh don't tell.

sinnin' free  09/23/07 2:11 pm
If you fuck white crackers can you still eat them afterward? I dont think you can eat them first and fuck them afterward. That's the real problem facing our youth. Eating comes before fucking and it cant be done, for shame.

harkin  09/26/07 1:50 am
You don't need a green card. You just jump the fence, swim the river, hide in the motorhome, sit on the catapult etc. Then high-tail it to OR or NY and fill out a drivers license app. BINGO!

Dave G  09/27/07 1:30 pm
Your sad? That's you're sad, you ig-nant snatch!


does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Message-----

From: SCOOP
Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Subject: T-shirts

You've got some pretty funny shirts, but I can't buy as long as you have that photo of those dudes cooking a baby. There's too much of that REAL shit going on nowdays. People torturing babies and stuff. Take that crap off your site and just stick to the funny shirts.

MMMMM BABY.Editor's Note: Fuck you. Just for this, I'm gonna go eat seven babies. I'll probably be full after the first couple, but I'll force some down if need be.

Your logic is highly flawed, by the way. You say we've got some funny shirts, but you can't buy them due to a picture of some guys cooking a baby. Well you've got electricity, don't you? Are you aware that the CEO's of every energy supplier in America torture and eat babies? It's true. You can look that shit up on Wikipedia.

Or is it just the cooking of the babies that bothers you? Well I'm sorry, but I refuse to participate in or promote the practice of eating babies raw. Call me sick if you want, but I was raised to cook babies over medium heat for 45 minutes and I make no apologies for it. If you don't like it, you can go back to Dumbasses-with-no-sense-of-humor-ville.

Comments (27) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Jasper  09/18/07 4:48 pm
Yeah, didn't they teach you that babies are unsafe to eat unless they reach an internal temperature of 165F? Fucking asshole anyways, baby sushi sucks balls ya damn hippie.

officer ass hat  09/18/07 4:54 pm
didn't we pass a law a few years ago about cooking babies to the correct temp? i think i will write a strongly worded letter to my congressperson about this.

Awan Afuqya  09/18/07 5:58 pm
These early Xtian paintings show a dim view of The Beliefs of Islam. We prefer our babies bloody rare. If you don't like it, speak to the chef.

sushilover  09/18/07 6:08 pm
What shithole country is eating babies ?

Awan Afuqya  09/18/07 6:43 pm
All of them. Cheap eats beats sheep.

Shawn Byatt  09/18/07 7:34 pm
Where exactly is there a picture of two guys cooking a baby? I gotta go see that shit!

beans  09/18/07 9:14 pm
Remember? Christopher Reeves ate the babies for their stem cells.

lucy  09/18/07 11:41 pm
I am sorry - I can't keep keep silent a moment longer.
THIS IS SO WRONG!

By cooking them you lose all the goodness - babies should only ever be eaten raw!

Iluvesinfants  09/19/07 2:18 am
This reminds me of my favorite joke- How long does it take to cook a baby in the microwave? Answer- I couldn't tell you, I was masturbating the whole time.

Chuck  09/19/07 9:23 am
NO! NO! NO! NO! You should never eat babies!! Too young! You need to keep them in the basement and fatten them up to plump meaty toddlers before you put them in the oven.

FUCKSHITPUSSYCUNT  09/19/07 10:16 am
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE INFORM ME AS TO THE 'CORRECT' WAY TO GUT A BABY.....I SEEM TO KEEP PUNCTURING THE DOOKIE BAG. NOTHING RUINS THE MEAT LIKE THREE DAY OLD SHIT. ALSO, IS THERE ANY EASY WAY TO GET THE SKIN OFF THE SKULL WITHOUT DAMAGING THE SOFT BONE? I BROKE THE LAST FEW SKULLS (THAT SUCKS!).

GoofyBastrd  09/19/07 12:06 pm
I DON'T KNOW..IT SEEMED TO WORK FOR JEFFERY DAHMER AND ALBERT FISH. TO EACH HIS OWN.
MR. ALBERT FISH..WAS CHILDREN YOUR FAVORITE DISH?

Iman Azol  09/19/07 12:59 pm
I figured you'd just wrap lips around asshole and suck the insides out.

desert69dog  09/19/07 8:58 pm
Babies? What babies?
"but I'd like to invite them all to suck my clit."
All I want to know is how I get this prize? I wasn't clear on the instructions.

sean  09/19/07 9:09 pm
I eat five babies a day, they're fucking delicos. One day i eat raw babies, (i like to eat the still beating hearts, it's delicous) and the next day i eat cooked babies (i recommend baby ribs). And when i'm done eating the babies, i like to drink beer from their skulls and then put the skulls on my wall.

Lord Boofhead  09/20/07 1:05 am
Baby the other White meat!
And remember, Its not the the black heads on Jeffery Dahmer's face you have to worry about but the ones in his freezer...

Niki  09/20/07 8:12 am
What is red and kinda bubbly and scratches on glass?
A baby in a microwave!
(they cook faster that way)

dry  09/20/07 11:27 am
I'm a white cracker. Please fuck me. PLEASE FUCK ME. I haven't had it in such.....JUST FUCK ME, OK?
I am a white cracker. FUCK ME

Bugsike  09/20/07 8:42 pm
This is where I say something clever, like - uh - gag on my cock and vomit dead baby meat on my throbbing member or something. But I'm too drunk to think of anything like that.

Bitch  09/20/07 11:30 pm
Uck,don't eat babies... so full of fat.Eat vegans/vegetarians.Get your meat and veggies in one fell swoop.Plus,there is more to go around.

Moribundi  09/21/07 12:05 am
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alliance_to_Save_Energy#Company_history

Moribundi  09/21/07 12:16 am

junior  09/21/07 9:11 am
mmm.. babyback babyback babyback, chiillliiiis babyback riiiibs.... i love em!

Bill Bishop  09/21/07 5:39 pm
Where's this photo at??? I must have missed it.

Half-Mad  09/21/07 7:04 pm
"Chinese Foetus Feasters"
http://www.bizarremag.com/weird_world/news/6144/chinese_foetus_feasters.html


Vicarious  09/23/07 2:59 am
I agree with some of the people here asking WHERE THE HELL IS THIS PICTURE?
Come on kids, send a link. It better be a shirt I can't find here, because I already want to buy it :)

sinnin' free  09/23/07 2:19 pm
I GOT IT! Eat the white cracker and then fuck babies. Anyway if you cook the babies you will lose like half the vitamins. omebody suggested to steam them so maybe then they wont be as tough and you still get all the nourishment. My favorite is with cream sauce lightly sauteed to a light brown glaze. MMM MMM GOOD!


divided we fall

The End - You Can Go Shower Now

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing. Which is ironic, because old people are hilarious.

Peace

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