I'm so bored with the war in Iraq. Can't we start a new war someplace
more interesting? How about Japan? They have happy ending massage
parlors, sushi, and giant monsters. Now that's a country worth invading.

In The Future, These Shirts Will Be Old.

The latest unauthorized personal video tape to go public involves legendary
adult film star Jenna Jameson. The 15 minute tape purportedly shows Jameson
not engaging in any sexual activity whatsoever. Instead it features Jameson
reading quietly by the fireplace. Sources close to Jameson claim the tape
is a fake.

All of our new shirts are here plus 2 new wrapping paper designs as well!
Christmas has come early for all of you freaks still stuck on the naughty

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it
into your browser.

My Vagina

God I love being a lady. My favorite part is my vagina. Mine is incredibly
wide and dizzyingly deep. My favorite part about having a vagina is
menstruating. Sometimes when I'm putting in my tampon, I look at the little
string hanging out and pretend it's a mouse's tail. I run out of the
bathroom naked and yell, "Help! Help! There's a mouse in my vagina! This
usually gets a big laugh- especially if I'm at the office, or the mall, or
on an airplane.

Sometimes I pretend the string is a fuse, and that if I light it a special
bomb will go off in my vagina and my period will be over. For any of you
who are curious, this is not what happens when you light the string on your
tampon. Even if you have soaked the tampon in kerosene overnight. Trust me
I've tried it almost a dozen times without success. It does however work
when you use a combination of potassium chlorate, table sugar and a small
drop of sulfuric acid.

I like to employ my used tampons to make "vampire soup". I got the recipe
from 'Martha Stewart's Living'- although I use fresh basil. We bring it
down to the homeless shelter and they lap it up! I also serve it at slumber
parties when my girlfriends come over to watch 'Angel'. It just makes
everything so much more authentic. After that we normally run around the
house in our bras and panties and have tickle fights. Then we practice our
French kissing on each other.

I don't let any of the girls go down on me during my period. They have to
settle for tonguing my brown starfish. But my boyfriend is another story.

I like to keep my boyfriend guessing about when I'm actually on the rag.
That way I can act completely irrational whenever I want. He gets mad
when he goes down on me and finds out I'm having my period. But he
gets me back by coating my vibrator with chopped glass. Ouch!

But in spite of all of the ups and downs, I love being a lady. Recently,
I've been trying to get pregnant by stuffing my vagina with sperm I find on
the floor of the porno theatre behind my house. Wish me luck, I'll keep you

Foreign Hate, Domestic Hate, It's All Good.

The one thing I didn't mention in my last article regarding the things I
didn't like about Europeans was that apparently they have no sense of humor.
(Or as they say in Europe, 'humour'.) We received a mountain of hate mail.
(Or as they say in Europe 'montain'.) I really thought that the clever
people who wrote in to correct this dumb American would be smart enough to
recognize sarcasm when they saw it. I guess I was wrong. So now I really
do hate Europe. We've already sent you Madonna. Keep fucking up and we'll
send you Britney Spears and Ashley Simpson, too. You will not be warned
again. And we're keeping Ali G so piss off.

There were so many responses we devoted a whole page to it.

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it
into your browser.

For those of you who still need a quick fix:


----- Original Message -----
From: Shan***@
Sent: Thursday, September 09, 2004 10:12 PM
Subject: Re: your Site

Your server has been running slow recently, cause I'm on cable internet and
its running at around 1.5 mb/s usually, and its going as slow as when I was
on dialup. Maybe its this AOL for Broadband thing, but it seems to be going
slower. Might wanna ask the techies.


(Editor's Note: I almost ignored this warning until I saw it was from an
AOL address! And not just any version of AOL, but AOL 9.0! Clearly you are
someone who is very technically savvy. I think the problem might be a kink
in the cable line between your house and our server. Please start pulling
on your end and I'll let you know when it's straightened out.)


----- Original Message -----
From: "genie h." <genie***@>
Sent: Friday, September 10, 2004 6:17 PM
Subject: Re: Your Order with T-Shirt Hell

I would like to konw if I could cancel my order,
possibly befor you ship the shirt. I found out today
the person i was buying the shirt for does not find it

(Editor's Note: No. All of our shirts are funny. What makes your friend
such an amazing judge of comedy? Are they from Europe?
Have your friend try on this shirt. When he's not looking, attach
it to him permanently with epoxy, and a nail gun. He might be angry
at first. But when he stops bleeding, and realizes all of the positive
feedback he's getting from other people, I think he'll thank-you. And
he'll be a bit more tolerant, which is what really matters.)


----- Original Message -----
From: Mystic
Sent: Friday, September 17, 2004 7:46 PM
Subject: Music In A Minor Shirt

this shirt clearly promotes child porn.. please remove it from your site...
my friends and their friends will be sending you email about your tasteless
shirts promoting child porn and abuse ...

and you are not the only place we will be emailing about this

(Editor's Note: This shirt promotes child porn, but more importantly it
promotes a love of music. You should try what the little girl is doing, it
might make you less of an uptight, dried up old twat. But I suggest you
use a trombone, preferably a flaming one covered in rusty razorblades.)


This week marks the Jewish New Year. So to all of our Jewish friends we
say- oh who are we kidding we don't have any Jewish friends.

Peace of Cake


If you do not want to receive this newsletter, why did you fucking sign up
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I'm a potato."