Concerning the economy, there's good news and there's bad news. The bad news: Real estate is still fucked and the stock market is in the shitter beneath the shitter. The good news: Suicide is still free.
The Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest particle accelerator, was recently activated in Geneva, Switzerland. Scientists are hoping to create an effect similar to the Big Bang so we may better understand the origins of the universe. After activating the LHC, scientists were shocked, and more than a little embarrassed to discover they had just created a naked woman, and a naked man missing a rib.
Sad news from the South last week as Hurricane Ike ripped across the area, leaving thousands of people homeless, wounded or dead. I've been studying this for several years, and I've finally discovered why the Bible Belt, an area filled with America's most faithful Christians, is constantly struck by hurricanes and tornadoes. It turns out God loves irony. Or maybe he just hates intolerance. Wait, that's not possible: that's his bread and butter.
Speaking of disasters, Britney Spears' latest album will be released in December. It's funny how just in time for Christmas you'll be able to buy something that proves God doesn't exist. That's right, three religious jokes in a row. Suck on that, The Pope!
After ten years on the air, TRL will be coming to an end in November. Asked why they had decided to end TRL, one MTV executive said, "It took a while, but I think we finally killed music. Now go buy some ringtones."
It has been rumored that 15-year-old singer and Disney Property #873-L Miley Cyrus is dating a 20-year-old male model. A 20-year-old male model who looks suspiciously like Billy Ray Cyrus with a fake mustache. But whoever this mystery man really is, Miley says that she's looking forward to getting knocked up with, "the first one I get to keep."
It's me, America's favorite MILF/GILF/CILF (My husband came up with CILF - I have no idea which C-word applies to me. Oh well). I had a little spare time on my hands in between my latest moose hunt and my next session of judging those different from me, so I thought I'd drop you all a line.
Let me get you caught up on what's new with me. First off, despite all the family's prayers, little Trig remains retarded. Seriously, I know God is busy, but couldn't he take a second to fix a few chromosomes (not that I know what chromosomes are). I swear, if Trig doesn't turn this retard act around pretty soon, I might have to lose another son in a bathtub "accident."
It would be sad if we lost little Trig (especially since he's incapable of accepting Jesus as Savior, and would therefore be cast into hell), but far from tragic. We can always have more children. At this point it's just a matter of which ridiculous name we could think of. We've already used Trig, Bristol, Track, Willow and Piper. Any more children and we'll have to select names from what were originally our second choices. Regardless, I'll be happy to welcome little Stucco, Asbestos and Irrigation into the world.
You may be concerned about my ability to bear children now that I'm in my mid-40s, but don't worry about that. All the exercise I get hunting moose combined with a steady diet of moose meat and broccoli covered in moose blood has kept me plenty fertile. By the way, have I ever mentioned that when I was ten years old I was raped by a moose? I tell you, that leaves a scar no amount of irrational moose killing will ever heal, but damn if I'm not going to try.
Speaking of the family, Todd (referred to by Alaskans as "First Douche" and referred to by me as "aging, halfbreed man child who can no longer get me off now that I've suckled at the teat of fame and power") is preparing for his next snowmobile race. Isn't that endearingly unexceptional? Of course it is. That's what you mouth-breathers like, and we're giving it to you. Someone whose understanding of government doesn't extend beyond high school civics being within an irregular heartbeat of the highest office in the land.
You'd be surprised how many people are qualified to be president when you consider the simple world view of the average voter. You know that neighbor who works at Meineke and listens to Jimmy Buffet on weekends? Go ahead and make that guy president. He may not understand the economic and geopolitical implications of military entrenchment in the Middle East, but he'll sure as shit let you keep your gun and force your daughter to become an unfit mother.
Not that any of that matters, seeing as how all us politicians are just puppets being manipulated by lobbyists and corporations. That's why I say you should elect me. I mean me and McCain. Billionaires decide this country's future while the rest of us sit powerless on the sidelines, so you might as well have some nice tits to look at while that happens. And, trust me, Biden's are a train wreck.
I don't understand critics saying I'm unqualified. How could I possibly not be qualified to sign whatever is placed in front of me? Even a monkey can mark an "X" on a sheet of paper. Listen, I understand I'm just a simpleton being used by the powers that be. I realize I could be any pretty white lady with a handsome husband and a few (mostly) perfect kids. I also realize if logic and reason had any place in modern society, I would be little more than the loud lady at local PTA meetings whose husband cheated on her, which drove her to alcoholism, a life of misery, and an early death.
Fortunately for me, logic and reason have no place in modern society. Now, regardless of whether or not John and I take the White House, I am guaranteed a book deal and an eventual gig as a correspondent for FOX News. It's a good thing journalism has the same standards as politics.
Well, it's about time for me to go. I have to go talk to Senator McCain while pretending I haven't caught him masturbating to my picture. Then I have to give a speech about the importance of premarital abstinence, not wearing glasses, and not hunting moose. Remember to remain mediocre and keep changing the definition of exceptional.
Without even an ounce of sincerity,
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From: Chris M.
The shirt about 9-11 is fucking rediculous. Are you kidding? That is a subject you do not joke about. Take it off the fucking site. I am a huge fan and order many shirts but i will never visit your site again if that shirt is still up.
Editor's Note: You'll have to visit the site at least long enough to see whether or not that shirt is still up. That's the brilliance of putting up a shirt that offends idiots.
Some guffle (I'm testing out new curse words) like you gets upset by a shirt and has to come by for a second look. Well, it turns out upon second and third views you have become desensitized to it and have most likely seen some other shirt you'd like to purchase. And, voila, we have sold yet another shirt to you proots.
Regarding the joke about 9-11, I can only apologize if we offended you. Did you know one of the planes that died on 9-11? Personally, I was very close to the 757 that was headed for San Francisco on that day, and I can tell you that my sense of humor has really helped me heal. R.I.P., Old 93. You're crashing into fields in heaven now.
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Given that there are many more entertaining ways for you to make fun of people who are so generous with their hate mail, let me lighten your load a little. I think a generic response is in order to all those people who cannot write grammatically correct, or even spell at an elementary level.
Perhaps something along the lines of, "When you are intelligent enough to formulate a sentence using proper English, then maybe your comments will be taken seriously." Of course, follow this with the typical degradation due to these oversensitive grade-school drop-outs.
Editor's Note: Why would I tell someone I'm not going to respond to their inane bullshit right before I respond to it? Why don't you take a minute to think about what you're suggesting before embarrassing yourself and wasting the time I could've spent converting my midget into a bong?
Not that it was hard to do, but I thought of a better idea. Instead of responding with a standard opening line (an opening line which wasn't even funny the first time I read it) to every single email we receive, I'll respond to fucking morons who think they're smart simply because they don't misspell anything or misplace commas.
Free thinking and informed decisions make you smart, not a basic understanding of 6th grade English and the ability to use spell check. But hey, if you need to mock and chastise typos instead of what is actually being said just so you can feel above average, be my guest. Eeat my tanit.
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From: Rae Ann
yah know what your shirts are funny but then you put baby shirts on here that talk about blowjobs and shit your not as funny as you think you are.
Editor's Note: Okay, fuck my response to that previous email. This person's basic statement is that we aren't that funny, but there's so much more wrong here than a simple difference of opinion.
This is poorly written enough to make a rapper say "Use some mutha fuckin' punctuation, nigga! Skree Skree, goddamn it!" Sadly, this is just another example of an entire generation that has become all too comfortable with technological shorthand.
The fact that this girl's name is Rae Ann makes it easy to assume she's an ignorant redneck who somehow managed to gain access to the internet via the series of "shiny lines" coming out of her trailer (which she probably is), but it's not like the typical middle class or upper-middle class white girl is any better with her "brb"s and "lol"s.
It's like E.T. Bell's grandnephew Skippy said: "Technology has made fools of us all. Also, who the hell am I? Did someone just make me up?"
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i love t-shirt hell. i think the baby shirts are the best and look at them and laugh and laugh. but the retarded babies shirt? that's just taking it too far. i don't guess i'll be shopping here for anymore baby shower gifts.
Editor's Note: Okay, while I'm still filled with more than enough hate to respond to this, I am fresh out of creativity (a.k.a. pot and LSD).
Basically, I just wanted to wet your whistle for what would be appearing in the next newsletter. This email hardly does justice to the cunt-storm that was brought down upon us as a result of this shirt. This is just the tip of the tard-berg.
So stay tuned for a healthy dose of faulty chromosomes and suburban rage in the next newsletter: Same window-licking time, same window-licking channel.
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[5-Dollar Blowjob - I Mean Goodbye]
Fools rush in where angels are being violated with bowling pins.