MCCAIN PALIN (SARAH PALIN HUNTING)
PALIN 'O8 RESTORING AMERICA'S CONFIDENCE IN BUSH
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: FUCK YOU.
I'M THE GUY SARAH PALIN BLEW TO GET THE NOMINATION
RETARDED REPUBLICAN BABIES FOR PALIN
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DRINK YOUR BEER
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
I DIDNT COME HERE TO IMPRESS NONE OF YOU MOTHER FUCKERS
I FUCKING LOVE TO CUDDLE
FUCKING CLASSY
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
WHITE FLOUR!
ANTI-CHIRST '08 (BARACK OBAMA)

FUCK THE COLORBLIND
Torsopants

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

Concerning the economy, there's good news and there's bad news. The bad news: Real estate is still fucked and the stock market is in the shitter beneath the shitter. The good news: Suicide is still free.

The Large Hadron Collider, the world's largest particle accelerator, was recently activated in Geneva, Switzerland. Scientists are hoping to create an effect similar to the Big Bang so we may better understand the origins of the universe. After activating the LHC, scientists were shocked, and more than a little embarrassed to discover they had just created a naked woman, and a naked man missing a rib.

Sad news from the South last week as Hurricane Ike ripped across the area, leaving thousands of people homeless, wounded or dead. I've been studying this for several years, and I've finally discovered why the Bible Belt, an area filled with America's most faithful Christians, is constantly struck by hurricanes and tornadoes. It turns out God loves irony. Or maybe he just hates intolerance. Wait, that's not possible:  that's his bread and butter.

Speaking of disasters, Britney Spears' latest album will be released in December. It's funny how just in time for Christmas you'll be able to buy something that proves God doesn't exist. That's right, three religious jokes in a row. Suck on that, The Pope!

After ten years on the air, TRL will be coming to an end in November. Asked why they had decided to end TRL, one MTV executive said, "It took a while, but I think we finally killed music. Now go buy some ringtones."

It has been rumored that 15-year-old singer and Disney Property #873-L Miley Cyrus is dating a 20-year-old male model. A 20-year-old male model who looks suspiciously like Billy Ray Cyrus with a fake mustache. But whoever this mystery man really is, Miley says that she's looking forward to getting knocked up with, "the first one I get to keep."

long division

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Hello Palin-heads,

picture 1It's me, America's favorite MILF/GILF/CILF (My husband came up with CILF - I have no idea which C-word applies to me. Oh well). I had a little spare time on my hands in between my latest moose hunt and my next session of judging those different from me, so I thought I'd drop you all a line.

Let me get you caught up on what's new with me. First off, despite all the family's prayers, little Trig remains retarded. Seriously, I know God is busy, but couldn't he take a second to fix a few chromosomes (not that I know what chromosomes are). I swear, if Trig doesn't turn this retard act around pretty soon, I might have to lose another son in a bathtub "accident."

It would be sad if we lost little Trig (especially since he's incapable of accepting Jesus as Savior, and would therefore be cast into hell), but far from tragic. We can always have more children. At this point it's just a matter of which ridiculous name we could think of. We've already used Trig, Bristol, Track, Willow and Piper. Any more children and we'll have to select names from what were originally our second choices. Regardless, I'll be happy to welcome little Stucco, Asbestos and Irrigation into the world.
picture 2
You may be concerned about my ability to bear children now that I'm in my mid-40s, but don't worry about that. All the exercise I get hunting moose combined with a steady diet of moose meat and broccoli covered in moose blood has kept me plenty fertile. By the way, have I ever mentioned that when I was ten years old I was raped by a moose? I tell you, that leaves a scar no amount of irrational moose killing will ever heal, but damn if I'm not going to try.

Speaking of the family, Todd (referred to by Alaskans as "First Douche" and referred to by me as "aging, halfbreed man child who can no longer get me off now that I've suckled at the teat of fame and power") is preparing for his next snowmobile race. Isn't that endearingly unexceptional? Of course it is. That's what you mouth-breathers like, and we're giving it to you. Someone whose understanding of government doesn't extend beyond high school civics being within an irregular heartbeat of the highest office in the land.

picture 3You'd be surprised how many people are qualified to be president when you consider the simple world view of the average voter. You know that neighbor who works at Meineke and listens to Jimmy Buffet on weekends? Go ahead and make that guy president. He may not understand the economic and geopolitical implications of military entrenchment in the Middle East, but he'll sure as shit let you keep your gun and force your daughter to become an unfit mother.

Not that any of that matters, seeing as how all us politicians are just puppets being manipulated by lobbyists and corporations. That's why I say you should elect me. I mean me and McCain. Billionaires decide this country's future while the rest of us sit powerless on the sidelines, so you might as well have some nice tits to look at while that happens. And, trust me, Biden's are a train wreck.
picture 4
I don't understand critics saying I'm unqualified. How could I possibly not be qualified to sign whatever is placed in front of me? Even a monkey can mark an "X" on a sheet of paper. Listen, I understand I'm just a simpleton being used by the powers that be. I realize I could be any pretty white lady with a handsome husband and a few (mostly) perfect kids. I also realize if logic and reason had any place in modern society, I would be little more than the loud lady at local PTA meetings whose husband cheated on her, which drove her to alcoholism, a life of misery, and an early death.

Fortunately for me, logic and reason have no place in modern society. Now, regardless of whether or not John and I take the White House, I am guaranteed a book deal and an eventual gig as a correspondent for FOX News. It's a good thing journalism has the same standards as politics.

picture 5Well, it's about time for me to go. I have to go talk to Senator McCain while pretending I haven't caught him masturbating to my picture. Then I have to give a speech about the importance of premarital abstinence, not wearing glasses, and not hunting moose. Remember to remain mediocre and keep changing the definition of exceptional.


Without even an ounce of sincerity,

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