The End of September Thing
In political news, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, while speaking in front of the general assembly at the UN, referred to President Bush as "the devil himself." Upon hearing of the Venezuelan President's unwarranted attack, Bush insulted the President of Brazil.
Also, the Pope recently upset the Muslim world with some ill-advised comments concerning the religion of Islam. Other things that have recently upset the Muslim community include Danish cartoons, the sun, Diet Pepsi, artificial turf, the cast of Lost, Newark, ice cubes and pretty much anything else that isn't exclusively Islamic. Except for Tony Danza. They love that guy.
I'm Here to Sell New Shirts and Chew Gum - And I'm All Out of Gum
In case the four horsemen descending from the heavens didn't tip you off, we've added a group of all-new shirts. One of which reminds you that Uncle Sam still wants you. Or two of your holes anyway. We've also added a shirt just for the fellas, a shirt just for the ladies and a gender-neutral shirt for anyone that wants to get into heaven just so they can sit on their ass in a different environment. All those and many more.
All of our new shirts are here:
Smile! You're on Sex-Crime Camera!
Dateline NBC's highly popular "To Catch a Predator" series is a hidden camera show which features an investigative team that goes undercover to bust child predators. A law enforcement official, acting as a minor, goes online and lures potential child predators to the location of the sting. These men are confronted by NBC correspondent Chris Hansen and are ultimately arrested.
It is all well and good to protect our children from dangerous pedophiles, but who speaks for the pedophile? A grown man can't offer to sponge-bathe a 5th-grader without fear of imprisonment, but that very same 5th-grader can offer to suck off all the grown men he wants and he bears no responsibility? Pardon the cliche, but it takes two to tango.
And don't hand me that "impressionable youth" bullshit. If you're old enough to go online, you're old enough to accept the potential dangers that come along with it. Much the same way that I deserve to get ripped off if I go online and carelessly make purchases with my credit card, children who go online and carelessly flirt with adults deserve to be molested and suffer a lifetime of irreparable emotional damage.
It is with this in mind that I have decided to fight back. No longer will I stand idly by while reckless teenagers harass horny men with false promises of sex. I am beginning my own hidden camera series which will stand in direct opposition to everything that "To Catch a Predator" stands for. It will be called "To Catch a Teenage Cocktease" and its sole purpose will be to see that these dangerous juveniles get their comeuppance.
For far too long have these children been able to flout their smooth sacks or acorn breasts in front of us only to leave adults with blue balls or jail time at the end of the day. In my series, I will go online and, under the guise of a man in his mid-40's, bring these bastards down.
Using screen names such as "Harleyrider82," "bigJONstud" and "Fatherof3" I will bring these delinquents to justice. Not justice in the legal sense, but the way I define it in my own head. As a female, I'll be unable to personally provide the type of punishment I'm referring to, but my team of commandoes (a.k.a. The Justice Squad) will dole out the rule of law on many a tight anus and/or vagina.
So that's the idea. I've been preparing for this show without cameras for the past five years, and I think I've finally worked out all the bugs. We're looking to level the playing field in this day and age of internet crime. It won't be an easy battle to fight, but we'll win it together. I'm hoping we'll be on the air within a few months, but until then I suggest you do your part. Enter a chatroom, strike up a conversation with "TimberlakeFan07," fight the good fight and keep hope alive. Unless Hope starts struggling.
Hate Is Like Marijuana - And Anything Else I Use on a Daily Basis
From: Kathleen H.
Sent: Thursday, January 19, 2006 6:54 AM
Been looking at your website. I honestly dont find any of your shirts funny. All you are doing is making yourself look retarded. Luckly for you, you are hiding behind a computer, but if you were seen in person, Survival may be challenging for you. Only people like you are sick, twisted, child molesting, freaks who was probibly molested yourselves as kids. Grow up and get a real job would ya?
(Editor's Note: C'mon Kathleen...none of our shirts made you laugh? Not even the one that has a built-in bitch-tickling device? Anyway, I'm sorry our shirts make me look retarded. I thought the helmet, drool and my Kathleen mask did that, but whatever.
Also, I'm not hiding behind a computer. Just because I sit at a computer to do my job doesn't mean I'm in hiding. In fact, I'm considering putting in a webcam so people can watch me write the rough drafts of these newsletters in baby blood and hobo sperm. And, to correct you once more, I'm often seen in public. I won't be if Planned Parenthood starts making house calls, but until then you can see me in public every other month.
Lastly, the terms sick and twisted are subjective, and I don't appreciate them. On the other hand, you nailed me on the "child molesting freak" line. Your kids and the cast of the Harry Potter movies can attest to that. Goodbye Kathleen. Now go out and get a real life, would ya?)
From: Dinah B.
Sent: Saturday, August 12, 2006 9:47 AM
Look, I know that you can't please everyone and that what one doesn't find funny the next will find piss your pants hilarious...and I was really liking your website which I had just been introduced to until I saw your tshirt that said "Black is beautiful" and then the caption said that the black cock had stuff in common with black people like being attracted to fat white women and being poor....I seriously can handle some pretty mortifying jokes but this is disgusting...
I cannot believe that anyone thought this was a humane thing to even suggest....it's interesting that one would make fun of black people but not comment on the size of that very "black" cock that they are referencing to....I'm assuming the person who was behind that shirt has some insecurity issues....I would really appreciate it it you would take that caption down....it is degrading and disgusting...thank you so much, Dinah
(Editor's Note: This is a new one. Complaints about specific shirts and about our questionable morality are the standard, and occasionally we'll get a complaint about the newsletter, but to complain about the caption underneath a shirt? Congratulations, Dinah. You found a new way to be stupid.
I happen to be the person that wrote the line you're referring to and, you're right, I didn't think it was humane. I thought it was funny. In the field of comedy, whether or not something is funny kind of trumps whether or not it's humane. And that includes the abortion act I do at kids' parties. You're also right about the fact that I'm insecure. My giant black vagina is extremely jealous of giant black cock.
Kudos on that comment, by the way. Chastising us for resorting to stereotypes for a joke and then mentioning a different stereotype...sheer genius. But since you asked nicely, I will take that caption down. However, I'm going to replace it with a picture of Al Jolson wearing blackface and another picture of MLK getting shot. I hope that appeases you, you fucking cracker.)
From: godsdiva*** @ ****lepc.com
Sent: Friday, August 25, 2006 5:04 PM
Subject: Fuck the colorblind
To whom it may concern:
I'm deeply offended by your "Fuck the Colorblind" shirt. I, myself, am colorblind. It is a true disability and it makes things difficult for me. I can't even join the military because of this. I even got a ticket on my college campus because I confused the brown parking area for red. This is a serious condition and I believe you should think again before making fun of people with this condition. I hope you will take this disability seriously and pull the shirt from your sight. Thank you
(Editor's Note: I wish people that complain to us wouldn't open with "To whom it may concern." Your complaints don't concern us. After I insult you goddamn assholes I don't give you a second thought. I suppose your complaints concern us in the sense that they have to do with our company, but they mean nothing to us.
I noticed your email address includes "godsdiva." I'm pretty sure God can do better. Maybe you thought diva was Latin for "mistake," I don't know. Anyway, I'm sorry about your condition. I hope you're able to get over it and . Sorry about that. I wrote the words "not," "never" and "rot in hell" in red.
Finally, I'd like to ask the United States military to reconsider her application. Sure, she may not be able to distinguish colors well enough to effectively serve over an extended period of time, but she'd be perfect for strapping on a bomb and marching right into the heart of Iraq. Or, at the very least, act as a live target for our troops going through training exercises. Let her be all she can be. Which is useful for about 10 seconds and then dead.)
From: Lajuana F.
Sent: Saturday, August 26, 2006 1:22 PM
I saw a tshirt in the Essence magazine that I didn't think was so funny. The arrest black babies tshirt.... yeah, I think that is pretty ignorant of you all to create such a shirt. The unfortunate thing is that you all have a sick sense of humor, but I'm not offended. I see people like you as having very little to do, therefore you have lots of time creating foolish things. Anyway, I'm not going to waste my time bashing you all, I would like to say that despite your ignorance, Jesus still loves you.
(Editor's Note: The issue of Essence that featured this shirt came out several months ago, so I would like to commend you for finally scrounging up enough money to purchase a copy and/or stealing one from a barbershop. You're right, we do have very little to do. Maybe if you visited every employee of T-Shirt Hell and ate our assholes we wouldn't have enough time to make shirts that piss off idiots.
Anyway, I'm glad you weren't offended by the shirt. I'd hate to think how much time you would've wasted if you had been. You probably rattled off one hell of a letter when you saw the government's response to the Hurricane Katrina situation in Louisiana. Unless you were too busy complaining about t-shirts at the time. That would be a real shame. You could've been ignored about something important, rather than just a funny shirt.
And you may think Jesus' love is comforting, but, personally, it kind of aggravates me. If I can do whatever I want and still receive his love, what's the point? Christ's love seems to be the spiritual equivalent of getting the 'participant' ribbon. If everyone gets it, it hardly makes me feel special. Now, when Jesus donkey-punched me, that made me feel special.)
This Was the Prequel to a Much Better Newsletter
A fool and his money are soon parted. Every day at Wal-Mart!