Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher got married over the weekend in a Kabbalah ceremony. Too many jokes... can't... narrow it down... brain is exploding.
[We're Full of New Shirts, Not the Same Old Shirt]
This week we have 7 new shirts including a new baby shirt. We have a shirt that not only celebrates our brave men and women overseas, but also the unsung heroes here at home. Yes, I'm talking about our brave male, female, and shemale prostitutes. That's just the tip of the t-shirt iceberg; and you my friend, are the Titanic.
All of our new shirts are here:
If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.
[No Child's Behind Left Behind]
People often ask me why I spend so much time in whorehouses, adult bookstores, strip clubs, and X-rated movie theatres. Is it just because I'm a patron of the arts? Is it because I love meeting my fans, and having them grind on my lap; or the pleasure of shaking their warm, sticky hands? Well that's certainly part of the reason.
The whorehouses are strictly business. I like to videotape government officials in random acts of unspeakable perversity. Not just your Dirty Sanchez, your Rusty Trombone, or your Angry Pirate, either. I'm talking about your 3 Fingered Mary, Reverse Epileptic Continental Soldier, and your Klezmer Playing Ninja, too. I collect these videos and show them at parties. Plus, you never know when they might come in handy.
As for my other haunts, the truth of the matter is I have a deep and abiding hatred of children. Now, you may remember several months ago I wrote an article asking people to stop having children. But it didn't really address what to do about the ones that are already here.
Here is my 5 point plan for dealing with children. Children are defined as anyone below the age of 12. Exceptions are made for girls 10 and above who bloomed early.
1. There should be a mandatory curfew for children. They should only be allowed in public from 3-5pm Monday-Friday; and 11am -6pm on the weekend. While they are in public, the parents are responsible for having some way to entertain them. A portable DVD player with earphones is great. Any clear plastic bag is an economical alternative. Don't give your child a noisy handheld video game: it's like handing the child a drum or a fistful of fireworks. While, I have no problem with you giving your child a fistful of fireworks, I just ask that you do it at home.
2. One child is allowed in public per adult supervisor. No more field trips, no more haggard women towing 5 screaming kids through the mall. If you're pregnant that counts as your 1 kid.
3. Children are not allowed in movie theatres, or restaurants. The only exceptions being themed restaurants, fast food joints, G-rated movies, or anything with Sandra Bullock.
4. Children in public need to be drugged to make them quiet and compliant. Parents who do not want to drug their children must physically restrain them. They need to be muzzled, and strapped down to handcarts; sort of like how they used to wheel Hannibal Lecter around in, "Silence of the Lambs".
5. Children not restrained (see above) will be equipped with leashes and shock collars. The controls for the shock collars will be publicly available. Anyone seeing a misbehaving child will have the ability to activate the shock collars.
Parents and children unwilling to follow these rules will be sent to labor camps where they will sew t-shirts, or build shock collars and handcarts. The other option for parents who don't want to follow these rules is to leave their children at home when they go out. That's why God made TV, and books of matches.
So in closing, please write to your congressman, representative, or local warlord, and tell them you want them to endorse the T-Shirt Hell Childcare Act of 2005. If they refuse, tell them you know all about the videotape. You don't need to be specific; they'll know what you're talking about.
[#1 on the Hate Parade All Mail Revue]
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Saturday, September 24, 2005 1:57 PM
Subject: Your Hitler T-Shirt
i just discovered your website today
As a jew who lives in Israel, i find your "What about all the good things Hitler did?" very offensive even if it's a joke, it's way over the top
please stop this
(Editor's Note: It's way over the top? The top of what: your piles and piles of figs and shekels? I love the Jews. You would think that the people who control the media, and produced such comic giants as Adam Sandler and Sammy Davis, Jr. would have a better sense of humor. Some people may point at Rob Schneider as evidence that they don't, but I disagree.
If we can't laugh at the architect of an attempt at mass genocide, then honestly what kind of people are we? Maybe you don't understand because you are safely tucked away in Israel feasting on milk and honey, and possibly some couscous. We are Americans. We are on the frontline of the war on terror. Sure, you guys can kill Arabs whenever you want. How are we supposed to have fun? If you don't want a funny Hitler shirt we have plenty of other choices. And if that is not good enough, then go fuck a camel with your expertly circumcised dick. Your name is fitting.)
----- Original Message -----
From: Aja H.
Sent: Thursday, September 08, 2005 1:24 PM
Subject: Arrest African-American Babies Before They Become Criminals
I was a fan of your site. The organizations that I volunteered for would go to your site for ideas about T-shirts, in the hope that we could raise enough money to buy them from you ourselves. I would read some shirts and a smile for the first time all day. However, I don't think I will ever smile at your website again. This afternoon on my lunch break I was sent an e-mail by a close friend about T-shirt that needed to be to be protested. I was upset that it came from your website. Your site is known for being somewhat offense, but I didn't think it was going for racist! You blatantly have a product that is not only insulting but highly indecent. I am a teacher's assistant, just buying that kind of shirt makes me a two-faced liar for my students. Anyone who even buys that shirt needs to take a serious look at themselves. Being African-American is not the over-glamorized versions you see on MTV and BET due to Rap Videos and Ghetto Fabulous novels. I honestly have nothing against them, but the world only seems to know few images of the African-American individual. They don't know the hard working middle class family just trying to make ends meet. They don't know about the hard working African-American male trying to better himself. They certainly don't know the African-American female trying to find her way in the world. The sad part is because of individuals like yourself, they don't get the chance to. I don't know what you were trying to accomplish with the sell of this T-shirt but I will tell you some of the results:
Your sales will go down.
More people will find out.
You're looking at a law suit.
Quite possibly, this country
will see youur site
as a promoter
of racist and sexist
I hope it was worth it!
(Editor's Note: The short answer to your question of, "I hope it was worth it?" is: yes! The long answer is yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssss!
I find it hard to believe that you're a fan, and that you volunteer for organizations that want our shirts. Because that all sounds so cool, but you seem like such an uptight cunt.
I know about the real black experience. I'm not fooled by Rap Videos and Ghetto Fabulous novels. I've seen episodes of "Moesha" and "Sister, Sister". I also caught the last five minutes of, "Ray" while I waited for "Old School" to start. Man the popcorn was terrible in that theatre. It was stale or something. Did I mention I'm an African American woman who actually did find her way in the world? (Here's a hint: MapQuest.)
Let me tell you what we have really accomplished since we began selling this T-shirt (although honestly, it probably can't all be attributed directly to just this one funny shirt.) Our sales continue to grow, more people find out about us, several people have sued us, sales keep growing, and the country continues to see us as the top t-shirt company on the internet, on the planet. And not one black baby was harmed or arrested in the making of this shirt. But we did find one octoroon selling bootlegs, and we cut his hands off, and 2 of his toes. But I defy you to classify that as racially
----- Original Message -----
From: Shotgun12 @ ***l.com
Sent: Saturday, September 10, 2005 12:51 AM
Subject: Just a question?
Are your profits or part of them going to the relief of the stuggling from the hurricane? Or are you part of the problem too? Sorry if this is rude but just currious.
(Editor's Note: What does it matter what we do with our profits? Do you want to buy a shirt that donates their profits to hurricane relief just so when you wear it, everyone will know what a great, charitable person you are? Strangers will give you high fives? Girls will drop to their knees on the street to give you oral? Everyone will forget about the time in 3rd grade when you shoved the class gerbil up your ass? Why don't you go make a big donation to the Red Cross and then staple the receipt to your forehead? Then everyone will know what a superstar you are, champ. Or maybe you can hire someone to walk behind you with a bullhorn. They can announce, "This man gave money to help hurricane relief! Isn't he awesome?" Better yet, why don't you go down to Louisiana with a straw, and start drinking all of that filthy sewage laced water. Then you'll really be doing your part.
Make sure you take lots of pictures so you can rent a billboard when you get
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, September 07, 2005 7:37 PM
Subject: Hi about your site
You should watch what you maggots say you talk alot of trash about jesus and capitalize on people's tragedies you are the worst type of human I hope you can come to terms with whatever causes you to be such awful humans you make me sick I want to puke when I see your site and what you write on your shirts. I feel sorry for you and I only feel pity for you you make me sick you worthless filth.
(Editor's Note: Hold on, you feel only pity towards us but it makes you sick? What kind of person is nauseated by feelings of compassion? That sounds like a sick person. You are a sick person and you are not like Jesus. Jesus loved the worthless filth. They were his favorite thing next to the whores. You are not a good person. When Jesus comes back, but before we kill him again (sorry, cheap plug) he will take a big shit on your head. Then I will take a big shit on your head, too. I will make sure that I have eaten peanuts, corn, and those red kidney shaped beans. I will also make sure I have eaten some Doritos (because I love Doritos).
I do feel sorry for you, but it does not make me sick. I know the world is full of ignorant, narrow minded people like you. But if it wasn't, I would have no one to laugh at, except for midgets, the elderly, and cripples. So, I recognize your purpose and your place in the world, and I forgive you.
Now go wash your hair. There is a divine shit hat in the works and it has your name on it.)
[The End of the Thingy as we know it]
Peace de Resistance! Viva la Paper towels!