JOHN 4:20




Fall is here. I thought I should remind you since global warming has made it impossible to notice. That was sarcasm, but I'm not one of these global warming deniers. I believe alarmists of all types: religious, political, scientific, whatever. They go to the trouble of cherry-picking data and applying meaning where there is none; the least you can do is believe them. It sure is hot outside. Brrr...

Due to the recent wave of bank failures, the FDIC may have to borrow billions of dollars from the nation's healthy banks. It's a case of "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, we both keep fucking those other people in the face." The government borrowing billions from banks after giving them billions? That's change I can believe in. I also believe in leprechaun-raping unicorns.

The U.N. gathered last week. Unlike most meetings, a lot was accomplished this time. They came to the conclusion that girls are icky and chocolate ice cream is the bestest. Then they played marbles behind Mort's Butcher Shop until the U.N.'s dog caused quite a little scene. Those kids...

Kevin Jonas recently picked his brothers Joe and Nick to be the best men at his upcoming wedding. Good start, Kevin, but you're going to need at least five more virgins to satisfy your wife. But seriously, have fun at your bachelor party. Try not to get too crazy when they wheel out that huge cake and a smaller Bible-shaped cake pops out.

Dancing with the Stars' newest season began last week. It's about time. Housewives and gay men didn't know what to do with that extra hour they weren't decorating or wrapping an orifice around cock.

Michael Moore's newest movie, Capitalism: A Love Story, is coming out Friday. Rex Reed calls it "A great way to make liberals nod at the screen and condescend to coworkers." And Michael Moore has this to say: "Mff gmm nawp wmng hrrph nldp." (His mouth was full.)

Comments (12) - View Comments - Add A Comment

87 Bricks  09/29/09 2:50 pm
So was Michael Moore's mouth full of food or cock? Or was it both? I'm sure there's plenty of room in there

Mr. Husker  09/29/09 6:59 pm
Where the fuck is all the dead Michael Jackson jokes. All the "did you hear MJ died of food posioning.....they found him full of 12 year old weeniers!"

Come on Megatron....get off your love for MJ....yeah he could dance and sing but he was a fucking weirdo kid turd pusher. Take him down.

PsychoticD  09/29/09 7:08 pm
remember that time when nobody gives a shit about michael jackson or the retarded jokes anymore? or ever? yea. i was perfectly happy with this article until you brought that shit up again husker. what a buzzkill.

Lt. Commander Data  09/29/09 11:29 pm
Global warming comes from cows farting out methane, so let's eat more beef and kill more cows. That's my thought for today, as inane as it is. Who cares about global warming (well, I do, but show me some proof before I panic) anyhow? If LA and San Fagcisco and Boston and New York get flooded out, that's a GOOD thing...

Angus McShagnasty  09/29/09 11:44 pm
Tough call, but I don't think Moore would ever put a cock in his mouth. At least not until it had been marinated in his ass for a significant amount of time.

Emperor Jim  09/30/09 3:25 pm
I think a better title for Moore's film would be "Capitalism: The Story Of A Fat Socialist Who's Going To Make $100 Million Dollars Off This Shitty Movie".

Mr. Husker  09/30/09 7:11 pm
No I think ole Mega baby is a MJ lover. That is what I think and that is what is a buzzkill.

Iman Azol  09/30/09 9:53 pm
Fat Bastard likes the cock.

Satan Christ  10/01/09 1:45 am
For the sake of fuck, PLEASE stop putting up pictures of Oprah Winfrey! Her gross and mangled face makes my cock die a little more each time I see her. Mind you, it was probably her cock and Kevin Jonas' Bible-Bashing boy-clit that Michael Moore had in his mouth. Not to mention food. FOOD! FOOOOOD!

CharlieDay-4-PREZ  10/01/09 6:06 am
When Kevin Jonas and his bros sing like tone deaf Parkinsons patients at his own wedding, methinks they should sing "The End" from The Doors (and I mean the 11 3/4 minute long version)
And after the guests ears stop bleeding, Kevin goes and busts his acorn in 14 seconds!

MrBison  10/03/09 4:37 pm
When is Michael Moore's mouth NOT full? If he ever came to my house, I wouldn't let the fat tub of lard in before putting a padlock and an alarm system on my fridge.

Max Nuclear  10/08/09 5:55 am

long division


picture 1Just as we did with mad cow, bird flu and monkey pox, it appears mankind has thwarted swine flu. And even though these diseases have collectively killed as many people as falling pianos in the past ten years, it is our duty as rational adults to react like five-year-olds fearing the boogeyman every time we're told of some disease we're unfamiliar with. With that in mind, here are some potential pandemics with an animal in the title that were made up when some guy in Botswana sneezed. Shit your pants accordingly.

Giraffe Leukemia - Contracted by using a toilet immediately after a black virgin. Symptoms include hair and nails growing at their normal rate. Treatment consists of taking off clothes and screaming.

Equine AIDS - Contracted by eating expired condoms. Symptoms include blood and skin. Treatment consists of self-massage with happy ending.

pic 2Elephant Alzheimer's - Contracted when proctologist probes primary anus instead of secondary anus. Symptoms include bendable knees and elbows. Treatment consists of Jell-O taken nasally.

Salmon Goiters - Contracted by tickling a Jew. Symptoms include pupils capable of becoming larger or smaller. Treatment consists of watching Air Bud while listening to Dark Side of the Moon.

Unicorn Hypochondria - Contracted by using hammocks. Symptoms include getting a song stuck in your head and being unable to name the guy in that movie. Treatment consists of taint-pinching.

Squirrel Herpes - Contracted by taking off shoes at airport. Symptoms include expelling yellow fluid and having gross crap in your eyes in the morning. Treatment consists of improper bidet-use.

Panther Hernia - Contracted by going to strip clubs that serve nachos. Symptoms include being disappointed in America's youth. Treatment consists of pickling used feminine hygiene products.

picture 1Tortoise Menopause - Contracted when you address a servant by his first name. Symptoms include having thoughts even after you've fallen asleep. Treatment consists of waterboarding your children.

Iguana Retardation - Contracted when you get your fourth tattoo. Symptoms include invisible freckles and having a left side. Treatment consists of reenacting the crucifixion in a Hooters.

Quail Alcoholism - Contracted by drinking Yoo-Hoo without shaking it. Symptoms include body fat of any percentage. Treatment consists of breast-feeding in your own crotch.

Duck Tourette's - Contracted by writing "Hands off!" on your sack lunch. Symptoms include having or not having an appendix. Treatment consists of sucking on leeches.

Lemur Obesity - Contracted by wearing collar up and/or jeans frayed at purchase. Symptoms include aging at a rate of one year per year. Treatment consists of not eating the garnish.

your momLobster Gayness - Contracted by coming within 50 yards of conjoined twins. Symptoms include vertebrae usage and moist eyeballs. Treatment consists of naming a sandwich before eating it.

Mudskipper Heart Attack - Contracted by never having seen Raging Bull. Symptoms include ugly genitals and wartless lungs. Treatment consists of growing a tail and then wagging it.

Rhinoceros Porn Addiction - Contracted by sleeping 6-8 hours a night. Symptoms include sleeping 6-8 hours a night. Treatment consists of sleeping 6-8 hours a night.

Comments (15) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Ron  09/28/09 6:55 pm
I have all those symptoms. I am freaking out! I'm especially worried about the squirel herpes. It burns when i touch my nuts. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

cry0  09/29/09 11:42 am
Oh shit, I think I have all of those! Fucking win, I have never laughed so fucking hard in my life! I hope you die, go to hell, suck Mother Teresa's giant cock and choke. (That's the highest honor of my people!)

Mr. Husker  09/29/09 6:57 pm
Where the fuck is all the dead Michael Jackson jokes. All the "did you hear MJ died of food posioning.....they found him full of 12 year old weeniers!"

Come on Megatron....get off your love for MJ....yeah he could dance and sing but he was a fucking weirdo kid turd pusher. Take him down.

Lt. Commander Data  09/29/09 11:47 pm
I've never seen any of these in the medical literature. Is there something for watching too much Nat Geo and History Channel? I'm suffering from that. I also have hypodiscoveryemia; I don't watch enough Discovery Channel, mainly b/c I know all the answers on Cash Cab...

Angus McShagnasty  09/29/09 11:52 pm
Michael Jackson died?? Wow I thought he looked a bit pale, but dead?

Dubious  09/30/09 9:45 am
C'mon, there are no black virgins.

Nonny Amos  09/30/09 12:31 pm
Ahhhh, irrelevance.

BeefeeGoogie  09/30/09 3:19 pm
Thanks for being funny (again)

Skippy Dooder  09/30/09 4:38 pm
I got equine aids and it actually cancelled out my regular aids. so it's dangerous, but horsefucking does have its upside

Death Magnetic  09/30/09 7:19 pm
I work some people who have a severe case of Iguana Retardation. We just call 'em niggers!

Satan Christ  10/01/09 1:55 am
Don't forget about Kangaroo Epilepsy. Normally it's contracted from fist-fucking too many Pakistani women down at the mall, but it can also be caught simply by looking directly at the dot on their forehead. Symptoms include lusting after Whoopie Goldberg in a Mickey Mouse costume, anal foaming and sticking Chap-Sticks into the eyes of cops. There is no known cure. You'll just die, hopefully with your cock in Whoopie.

twisted  10/01/09 11:06 am
fucking pathetic. this is so weak. Surely editors must've changed somewhere along the line

Ass Hole Poop  10/02/09 2:36 am
I agree with twisted 100%. Wht the fuck!?

Spuntmire  10/04/09 1:40 am
Fuck all. I have and cannot treat my Mudskipper Heart Attack. Hell with life.

Jake Malicious  10/30/09 4:31 pm
I am showing this article to all my idiot family who freak out about swine flu.


Dear Black Lady Who Writes the Newsletter,

Barack Obama has been facing some harsh criticism lately and, of course, far-left crazies like Jimmy Carter immediately claimed it was racism.  As a member of the race ostensibly at the heart of this racism, I am offended by these immediate cries of "Racist!" I'm here to say not only does racism not exist now, it has never existed. Before your head explodes from thinking of a hundred examples simultaneously, let me continue.picture 1

I believe the entire concept of racism was concocted by the minorities we supposedly discriminate against. It's more comfortable for them to fabricate this idea that we target people different from us than it is to admit the universe is always coincidental in our favor. I can't say I blame them. I mean, if I had to pick an enemy, I would certainly prefer Caucasians to the entire fucking universe.

Slavery is likely an example you'd cite to discredit me, but let's examine that. We didn't take people from Africa because they were black; we did it because we needed laborers who would work for nothing. And since the dicks in America wanted to get paid, we went to Africa to buy some. It's not like we said "Sounds good. But I'm only doing it if they're black." We slaughter cattle because that's how you get beef. It's not like we hate cows.your mom

And we only wiped out Indians because they were on land we wanted. Sure, their skin and clothes made them easy to target, but it's not WHY we did it. History would've played out the same if the indigenous people had been the crackeriest people ever. "This land yields great crops. Too bad you folks are white so we can't slaughter you and take it." Puh-leeze.

You might say this is all semantics. You might say, "Your reason for subjugating us is irrelevant. The fact is that you HAVE done terrible things to countless people for centuries and the roots of that behavior are so deep they haven't completely disappeared. The preposterous suggestion that it wasn't racially motivated isn't the point."

My response? I'm white so the point is whatever I say it is.

picture 1The point is Christian white men never target a group because it's different. It is sheer coincidence that all the people we've needed to enslave, kill, beat or rape have been different. We aren't racists because we say we're not racists. What part of that do you not get? If a prostitute calls herself a "performance artist," I don't call bullshit. I accept it as truth because she has made it her truth. And if your truth says that I AM racist, my truth trumps it somehow.

Have we made mistakes? Sure. But they were just several billion isolated incidents. It's not some centuries-old systemic problem you can slap a label on. That is too easy and, frankly, too ingenuous.

So, let's stop carelessly throwing around completely accurate and simultaneously false labels like "racist" "sexist" or "guy who just curbed that Mexican for no reason." Because when you get right down to it, we're all just people.


Christian A. Whiteman III


Affirmative action, now that's racist.


joy division

[Goodbye, Old French Whore]

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him consent to bestiality porn.