Just as we did with mad cow, bird flu and monkey pox, it appears mankind has thwarted swine flu. And even though these diseases have collectively killed as many people as falling pianos in the past ten years, it is our duty as rational adults to react like five-year-olds fearing the boogeyman every time we're told of some disease we're unfamiliar with. With that in mind, here are some potential pandemics with an animal in the title that were made up when some guy in Botswana sneezed. Shit your pants accordingly.

Giraffe Leukemia - Contracted by using a toilet immediately after a black virgin. Symptoms include hair and nails growing at their normal rate. Treatment consists of taking off clothes and screaming.

Equine AIDS - Contracted by eating expired condoms. Symptoms include blood and skin. Treatment consists of self-massage with happy ending.

Elephant Alzheimer's - Contracted when proctologist probes primary anus instead of secondary anus. Symptoms include bendable knees and elbows. Treatment consists of Jell-O taken nasally.

Salmon Goiters - Contracted by tickling a Jew. Symptoms include pupils capable of becoming larger or smaller. Treatment consists of watching Air Bud while listening to Dark Side of the Moon.

Unicorn Hypochondria - Contracted by using hammocks. Symptoms include getting a song stuck in your head and being unable to name the guy in that movie. Treatment consists of taint-pinching.

Squirrel Herpes - Contracted by taking off shoes at airport. Symptoms include expelling yellow fluid and having gross crap in your eyes in the morning. Treatment consists of improper bidet-use.

Panther Hernia - Contracted by going to strip clubs that serve nachos. Symptoms include being disappointed in America's youth. Treatment consists of pickling used feminine hygiene products.

Tortoise Menopause - Contracted when you address a servant by his first name. Symptoms include having thoughts even after you've fallen asleep. Treatment consists of waterboarding your children.

Iguana Retardation - Contracted when you get your fourth tattoo. Symptoms include invisible freckles and having a left side. Treatment consists of reenacting the crucifixion in a Hooters.

Quail Alcoholism - Contracted by drinking Yoo-Hoo without shaking it. Symptoms include body fat of any percentage. Treatment consists of breast-feeding in your own crotch.

Duck Tourette's - Contracted by writing "Hands off!" on your sack lunch. Symptoms include having or not having an appendix. Treatment consists of sucking on leeches.

Lemur Obesity - Contracted by wearing collar up and/or jeans frayed at purchase. Symptoms include aging at a rate of one year per year. Treatment consists of not eating the garnish.

Lobster Gayness - Contracted by coming within 50 yards of conjoined twins. Symptoms include vertebrae usage and moist eyeballs. Treatment consists of naming a sandwich before eating it.

Mudskipper Heart Attack - Contracted by never having seen Raging Bull. Symptoms include ugly genitals and wartless lungs. Treatment consists of growing a tail and then wagging it.

Rhinoceros Porn Addiction - Contracted by sleeping 6-8 hours a night. Symptoms include sleeping 6-8 hours a night. Treatment consists of sleeping 6-8 hours a night.

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Dear Black Lady Who Writes the Newsletter,

Barack Obama has been facing some harsh criticism lately and, of course, far-left crazies like Jimmy Carter immediately claimed it was racism.  As a member of the race ostensibly at the heart of this racism, I am offended by these immediate cries of "Racist!" I'm here to say not only does racism not exist now, it has never existed. Before your head explodes from thinking of a hundred examples simultaneously, let me continue.

I believe the entire concept of racism was concocted by the minorities we supposedly discriminate against. It's more comfortable for them to fabricate this idea that we target people different from us than it is to admit the universe is always coincidental in our favor. I can't say I blame them. I mean, if I had to pick an enemy, I would certainly prefer Caucasians to the entire fucking universe.

Slavery is likely an example you'd cite to discredit me, but let's examine that. We didn't take people from Africa because they were black; we did it because we needed laborers who would work for nothing. And since the dicks in America wanted to get paid, we went to Africa to buy some. It's not like we said "Sounds good. But I'm only doing it if they're black." We slaughter cattle because that's how you get beef. It's not like we hate cows.

And we only wiped out Indians because they were on land we wanted. Sure, their skin and clothes made them easy to target, but it's not WHY we did it. History would've played out the same if the indigenous people had been the crackeriest people ever. "This land yields great crops. Too bad you folks are white so we can't slaughter you and take it." Puh-leeze.

You might say this is all semantics. You might say, "Your reason for subjugating us is irrelevant. The fact is that you HAVE done terrible things to countless people for centuries and the roots of that behavior are so deep they haven't completely disappeared. The preposterous suggestion that it wasn't racially motivated isn't the point."

My response? I'm white so the point is whatever I say it is.

The point is Christian white men never target a group because it's different. It is sheer coincidence that all the people we've needed to enslave, kill, beat or rape have been different. We aren't racists because we say we're not racists. What part of that do you not get? If a prostitute calls herself a "performance artist," I don't call bullshit. I accept it as truth because she has made it her truth. And if your truth says that I AM racist, my truth trumps it somehow.

Have we made mistakes? Sure. But they were just several billion isolated incidents. It's not some centuries-old systemic problem you can slap a label on. That is too easy and, frankly, too ingenuous.

So, let's stop carelessly throwing around completely accurate and simultaneously false labels like "racist" "sexist" or "guy who just curbed that Mexican for no reason." Because when you get right down to it, we're all just people.

Sincerely,

Christian A. Whiteman III

P.S.

Affirmative action, now that's racist.

[Goodbye, Old French Whore]

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him consent to bestiality porn.