FUCK TETRIS
NOT BRAD PITT
80 MORE YEARS OF THIS SHIT?
FUCK ME IT'S TRENDY
JOHN 4:20
MARSHMALLOW ROAST
GUESS HE CAN'T (BARACK OBAMA)
ME SO HOLY ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
BLING-BLING
I'M ALL FOR BEING SOCIAL BUT THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT
I COULD USE A LITTLE SEXUAL HARASSMENT
POP A SMURF
IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT...
I FUCKING LOVE TO CUDDLE

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

Fall is here. I thought I should remind you since global warming has made it impossible to notice. That was sarcasm, but I'm not one of these global warming deniers. I believe alarmists of all types: religious, political, scientific, whatever. They go to the trouble of cherry-picking data and applying meaning where there is none; the least you can do is believe them. It sure is hot outside. Brrr...

Due to the recent wave of bank failures, the FDIC may have to borrow billions of dollars from the nation's healthy banks. It's a case of "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, we both keep fucking those other people in the face." The government borrowing billions from banks after giving them billions? That's change I can believe in. I also believe in leprechaun-raping unicorns.

The U.N. gathered last week. Unlike most meetings, a lot was accomplished this time. They came to the conclusion that girls are icky and chocolate ice cream is the bestest. Then they played marbles behind Mort's Butcher Shop until the U.N.'s dog caused quite a little scene. Those kids...

Kevin Jonas recently picked his brothers Joe and Nick to be the best men at his upcoming wedding. Good start, Kevin, but you're going to need at least five more virgins to satisfy your wife. But seriously, have fun at your bachelor party. Try not to get too crazy when they wheel out that huge cake and a smaller Bible-shaped cake pops out.

Dancing with the Stars' newest season began last week. It's about time. Housewives and gay men didn't know what to do with that extra hour they weren't decorating or wrapping an orifice around cock.

Michael Moore's newest movie, Capitalism: A Love Story, is coming out Friday. Rex Reed calls it "A great way to make liberals nod at the screen and condescend to coworkers." And Michael Moore has this to say: "Mff gmm nawp wmng hrrph nldp." (His mouth was full.)


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