October is finally here and everyone in America is buzzing about our favorite national pastime. No, I'm not talking about processed foods and racism. I'm talking about baseball. The Major League playoffs are here and you can feel the manufactured, insincere excitement in the air. So in the immortal words of Hank Williams Jr., ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL! Go Celtics!
Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon applied for -- and were granted -- a marriage license late Saturday in Las Vegas, according to the Clark County's Marriage License Bureau. Rick Salomon is best known for starring in, and selling the Paris Hilton sex tape. People wondering why Anderson would get involved with this douchebag need to remember that her last round of plastic surgery involved replacing her brain with salt water taffy. Salomon plans to release the honeymoon sex tape in IMAX format in order to display her breasts at their actual size.
In sports news, the Mets suck.
In political news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced Bill Johnson) recently stirred up controversy when he said there were no homosexuals in Iran. Never one to make an uninformed statement, Ahmadinejad previously had butt-sex with every man in Iran to see if any of them liked it. Turns out he was right. On behalf of America, I'm sorry we doubted you. Now go back to that sandpit you call a country, Saddam Lite.
You know what time it is? No, put away that rubber fist and those Mickey Rooney pictures. It's new shirt time.
We have shirts for people who hate the Mets, or anyone interested in making a Mets fan cry. We have shirts for people who want to keep people down, or for people interested in cock blocking Jesus. We have a shirt you should already know about, as well as one for people who you want to lend a helping cock. And whatever you do, don't tase me, bro.
All of our new shirts are here:
We always have topical idea contests in addition to our regular no holds barred submission contest. Currently we're looking for shirts that mock our environmental crisis. So, if you win your friends will instantly be more environmentally friendly as they turn green with envy. Then just run them through a wood chippper and use them for mulch.
Attention my fellow followers: Join me in my fight to free the Jena 6. Now...no one I know is involved in this situation and I don't know the details of the case, but that shouldn't stop you from following me in lockstep in this fight that I'm telling you is just. Don't question me or read up on the facts for yourself, just do what I did. Listen to some ego-driven, obsolete civil rights leader shout "RACISM!" and take up arms with him. It's not like an angry man shouting nonsense to a mindless crowd ever caused any problems.
After all, this isn't about fighting for what's right. This is about feeling like you're fighting for what's right. I'm not relevant but it means a lot to convince myself that I am. That's why it's important for us to create a cause, despite the fact that there are no worthwhile causes left to fight. Don't write things off as isolated incidents. There's no such thing. If a man in Toledo beats a drifter to death with a cinder block, don't just accept it as the act of a crazy bastard. Rally 10,000 people together and put an end to cinder block murders.
Similarly, if a racist teenaged asshole hangs a noose in a tree and another racist teenaged asshole beats the shit out of him and you don't like the judgment that the court hands down, you can't just acknowledge that the situation sucks and that there will always be a handful of ignorant bigots in the world. We have to make sure that every single person in America is tolerant and no judge in the nation can so much as take a piss before making 300 million phone calls. It is vital that we don't let people solve their own problems. That policy is working great overseas and it'll work here.
It is our job, as a pointless generation, to make self-congratulatory mountains out of meaningless molehills. You can thank our forefathers for that. They fought to give us all the freedoms we have today, but we shouldn't enjoy or take advantage of those freedoms. We should keep fighting for them, even though we already have them. So if you haven't done it already, hurry up and sign that petition to give women the vote.
It doesn't even matter that you may be making things worse. So your massive, unnecessary rally stirred up the festering resentment and anger in a large group of people that would've otherwise never given it a second thought. Big deal. What's important is that you got to pretend you were worthwhile in a time when none of us are.
Listen, I'm not naive. I know this Jena 6 movement will accomplish nothing because there's nothing to be accomplished, but it feels good to get out in the sun for a while and give shout-outs on the local news. It's kind of like when the Duke lacrosse players were charged with rape. It just felt right to oppose the rich white kids. Sure, we ended up finding out they were innocent, but it felt good to fight the man. Even if the man didn't do anything wrong.
To repeat, free the Jena 6. Because right now there's a black kid in South Carolina who can't get his PayDay out of a vending machine...and Al Sharpton is already setting up the press conference.
Comments (40) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Angela O.
Sent: Friday, September 28, 2007
Subject: "They Shake Me" T-shirt
Why would you even consider selling a t-shirt that says that? That is cruel to children and not even remotely funny. I pray that you do not have children of your own and someone shakes them. Please consider the feelings of parents world wide whose children have suffered from Shaken baby syndrome and remove this t-shirt from your list to sell. Have a wonderful Day
Editor's Note: As I occasionally do, I am going to respond to this one sentence by sentence. My answer to sentence number one is $$$. But that's generally my answer to every question, even when it doesn't make sense. "What's your favorite kind of pizza?" "$$$" It's made it really hard for me to meet people on eHarmony. So far I've only been propositioned by Scrooge McDuck and Moneybags from Monopoly.
In response to sentence number two, you're being contradictory. Something can be cruel to children, and something can be unfunny, but never both simultaneously. That's like me saying I don't hate my neighbor and he's Puerto Rican. Children being harmed is just inherently humorous. Like watching a fat guy cry or throwing coleslaw at the elderly.
As for the rest of your email, if you pray that I don't have children, why do I have to keep getting these abortions? Looks like your prayer isn't working. At least not as soon as it should. And I have considered the feelings of parents. Why do you think we made that shirt? It totally goes over the heads of babies, but their parents, exhibiting the kind of wisdom that can only be gained after 30 years of learning how to be dumb, get pissed at the drop of their helmets.
Comments (28) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Daniel G.
Sent: Friday, September 28, 2007
In response to your comment (Foreigners are so stupid.) Go fuck your self you Cocky Yank Pricks. Don't ever send me any more e-mails, I've unsubscribed and wont be doing any more business with you.....
Piss Off And Go To Hell
Editor's Note: Sweet bastard son of God, I can't even muster up enough hate to respond to this tool. Week in and week out I have to read hundreds of emails that read like the feeble attempts of someone who suffered brain-damage from a car crash trying to learn how to write all over again.
Well sometimes my reservoir of anger just runs dry.
So instead of dynamiting fish in a barrel, I'd like to give you a topic of discussion for the comments section. Here it is - Zeppelin, Stones, Beatles, or Journey? Discuss.
Comments (62) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Matt B.
Sent: Sunday, September 30, 2007
Subject: REAL hate mail!!
I get your monthly e-"news"letter and, to my dismay, the hate mail section sucked. All the mail was fake crap from no-life geeks who want to see their scribble on the world wide web. I'd rather read garbage from evangelists and vigilantes who think your not funny than a bunch of kindergarten drop-out, Nintendo video game testers who THINK they're funny. Bring back the real hate mail.
Editor's Note: Here's the thing, Matt. There's only so much I can say when I read "[Shirt description] is offensive and immoral. Please remove it." How many variations of me calling someone a retard do you want to read? So forgive me if from time to time I respond to people who say something a little different, however insincere and baited it may be.
Furthermore, those people warrant a trashing too. If someone is writing in just to see their nonsense on the internet, they are utterly pathetic and deserve to be called out. I am not validating them, I'm just exposing them as the lame twats they are.
Like you, for example. Your email carries no weight with us; I'm simply sharing your brain with the world. You've accomplished nothing, and ten seconds from now you'll be forgotten, but it's fun for our little community of hate-filled bastards to get together and laugh at people like you, if only for a moment. So you've done what you were put on Earth to do. Feel free to kill yourself now. There are other people in that special needs facility that want your chair. .
Comments (19) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Carolyne L.
Sent: Saturday, September 29, 2007
Subject: A problem with one of your shirts
Hi. Just had a nosey through your site and recently came across "My dick cures cancer. It's a shame I won't fuck a bald chick". I find this tshirt extremely offensive as I had to go through 6 years of dealing with cancer and extreme health problems due to it. It isn't a great thing for anyone to go through and to make it a laughing matter as you have done here is appauling.
You obviously haven't been through it yourself or you would understand how bad and stressful for all concerned it is. More so for women as some may lose their hair through treatement, as i did on more than one occassion, and this is a hard pyschological thing for females to deal with.
You need to think twice about what you put on shirts. It would be a different matter if someone was to have a shirt aimed at men and testical cancer for example, the male population would soon be in uproar. I'm not going to rant on as it probably wont make a difference but i felt i had to at least say something. Thank you.
Editor's Note: Holy Mongolian poop, the phrase "Just had a nosey" is reason enough for you to get reamed in the ass by a brontosaurus with a razorblade cock for all eternity. But you managed to get even stupider after that. How did you do that? You are to stupidity what Britney Spears is to embarrassing white trash behavior. You think it can't get worse and then she uses one of her babies as a beer bong while making out with her dad's cock. What're you going to do next, eat your used tampon because you're afraid of losing blood?
Any time someone mentions that they had cancer while bitching about one of our cancer-related shirts, all I can think about is what an asshole cancer is. Not for being a terrible disease, but for not going the distance when it should. Cancer takes out John Wayne but it surrenders when confronted with this waste of a vagina. Jesus, get on the ball, cancer. I know it can't be pleasant to be inside morons for six years, but finish the fucking job.
And you know why we don't have a shirt about testicular cancer? Because offensive shirts are only funny when you know someone is getting offended, and despite what you believe, men would not be offended by that. Shit, I'm starting to think that a sense of humor exists solely in the nutsack. If you ever meet a woman with a sense of humor, you can rest assured that she has balls. (Mine are lovely, by the way) That's all for now. Remember to pray for cancer, everyone.
Comments (55) - View Comments - Add A Comment
I've Gotta Get This Baby Outta Me - Goodbye!
Man cannot live on bread alone. But he'd die inside a week if he tried to live off your poems, you artsy douche.