It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing


October is finally here and everyone in America is buzzing about our favorite national pastime. No, I'm not talking about processed foods and racism. I'm talking about baseball. The Major League playoffs are here and you can feel the manufactured, insincere excitement in the air. So in the immortal words of Hank Williams Jr., ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL! Go Celtics!

Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon applied for -- and were granted -- a marriage license late Saturday in Las Vegas, according to the Clark County's Marriage License Bureau.  Rick Salomon is best known for starring in, and selling the Paris Hilton sex tape.  People wondering why Anderson would get involved with this douchebag need to remember that her last round of plastic surgery involved replacing her brain with salt water taffy.  Salomon plans to release the honeymoon sex tape in IMAX format in order to display her breasts at their actual size.

In sports news, the Mets suck.

In political news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (pronounced Bill Johnson) recently stirred up controversy when he said there were no homosexuals in Iran. Never one to make an uninformed statement, Ahmadinejad previously had butt-sex with every man in Iran to see if any of them liked it. Turns out he was right. On behalf of America, I'm sorry we doubted you. Now go back to that sandpit you call a country, Saddam Lite.


New Shirts

You know what time it is? No, put away that rubber fist and those Mickey Rooney pictures. It's new shirt time.

We have shirts for people who hate the Mets, or anyone interested in making a Mets fan cry.  We have shirts for people who want to keep people down, or for people interested in cock blocking Jesus.  We have a shirt you should already know about, as well as one for people who you want to lend a helping cock.  And whatever you do, don't tase me, bro.

All of our new shirts are here:

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You think you're so fucking clever.

We always have topical idea contests in addition to our regular no holds barred submission contest.  Currently we're looking for shirts that mock our environmental crisis.  So, if you win your friends will instantly be more environmentally friendly as they turn green with envy.  Then just run them through a wood chippper and use them for mulch.

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ATTICA!Attention my fellow followers: Join me in my fight to free the Jena 6. one I know is involved in this situation and I don't know the details of the case, but that shouldn't stop you from following me in lockstep in this fight that I'm telling you is just. Don't question me or read up on the facts for yourself, just do what I did. Listen to some ego-driven, obsolete civil rights leader shout "RACISM!" and take up arms with him. It's not like an angry man shouting nonsense to a mindless crowd ever caused any problems.

After all, this isn't about fighting for what's right. This is about feeling like you're fighting for what's right. I'm not relevant but it means a lot to convince myself that I am. That's why it's important for us to create a cause, despite the fact that there are no worthwhile causes left to fight. Don't write things off as isolated incidents. There's no such thing. If a man in Toledo beats a drifter to death with a cinder block, don't just accept it as the act of a crazy bastard. Rally 10,000 people together and put an end to cinder block murders.

Similarly, if a racist teenaged asshole hangs a noose in a tree and another racist teenaged asshole beats the shit out of him and you don't like the judgment that the court hands down, you can't just acknowledge that the situation sucks and that there will always be a handful of ignorant bigots in the world. We have to make sure that every single person in America is tolerant and no judge in the nation can so much as take a piss before making 300 million phone calls. It is vital that we don't let people solve their own problems. That policy is working great overseas and it'll work here.

Free your sheep, and your rams will follow.It is our job, as a pointless generation, to make self-congratulatory mountains out of meaningless molehills. You can thank our forefathers for that. They fought to give us all the freedoms we have today, but we shouldn't enjoy or take advantage of those freedoms. We should keep fighting for them, even though we already have them. So if you haven't done it already, hurry up and sign that petition to give women the vote.

It doesn't even matter that you may be making things worse. So your massive, unnecessary rally stirred up the festering resentment and anger in a large group of people that would've otherwise never given it a second thought. Big deal. What's important is that you got to pretend you were worthwhile in a time when none of us are.

Nappy-headed old man.Listen, I'm not naive. I know this Jena 6 movement will accomplish nothing because there's nothing to be accomplished, but it feels good to get out in the sun for a while and give shout-outs on the local news. It's kind of like when the Duke lacrosse players were charged with rape. It just felt right to oppose the rich white kids. Sure, we ended up finding out they were innocent, but it felt good to fight the man. Even if the man didn't do anything wrong.

To repeat, free the Jena 6. Because right now there's a black kid in South Carolina who can't get his PayDay out of a vending machine...and Al Sharpton is already setting up the press conference.

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