Recently, a woman was thrown off a Southwest Airlines flight for wearing an offensive t-shirt. Here is our response: if you get thrown off of an airplane for wearing one of our shirts, we'll provide you with alternate transportation, free of charge (we're serious) . All of the details about our "Free Speech or Free Travel Offer" are here:
[In the future, these New Shirts will be valuable antiques]
We have five new shirts this week. While some deal with important issues like beer and puppets, the others are about lighter subjects like date rape, suicide, and those wacky Asians.
All of our new shirts are here:
If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.
[Fly the unfriendly skies]
Now personally, I haven't flown commercial for ages. But I do like to go to the airport to pick up the children that I have met over the internet. These are the children that I convinced to come live with me at my magic happy gumdrop castle, or as I like to call it, Subterranean T-shirt Manufacturing Facility #58008.
One problem at the airport is that there should be more racial profiling and not less. Yes, of course the Arabs are all terrorists. I think that goes without saying. But they need to take a closer look at the Jews and the Koreans because they're both very sneaky and probably up to something. As an African American, I know that we're all guilty of carrying some kind of weapon, and probably a little weed. Hispanics are generally too lazy to cause much trouble, but I once saw one steal the hubcaps off of a 747.
Metal detectors are pointless and need to be eliminated altogether. What this will do is simply level the playing field. Right now hijackers have the advantage because they're the only ones who are armed. But if they look around and see a couple black men, they might realize they're outgunned, and sit back down.
Even without modifications on the ground, I could increase in-flight safety dramatically with a handful of minor changes. The airlines need to have smoking hot stripper stewardesses serving bacon, and handing out free booze. They should provide high quality pornography for the in-flight entertainment, with complimentary lotion and tissues.
Now take your Muslim extremist, with the pocketknife and a stick of dynamite up his ass, and put him on one of these flights. Try telling this guy,who's getting a lap dance from a hot stewardess while he eats a BLT and drinks a Jack and Coke, that if he blows up this plane he'll get passage to Paradise. As if 70 homely, sand encrusted, Muslim virgins that reek of camel piss can compare with this? You throw in a giant Toblerone when he lands and this guy will drop to his knees, praise Jesus, and sing, "God Bless America".
The seatbelt light is now off, you are now free to move on to the hate mail.
[But first... Road Rage Cards!]
Mooning people is so Seventies. Sure it's fun to drop your pants and press your cheeks up against the glass. But let's be honest, it's tricky to do while you're driving, and nearly impossible if you're driving stick. So, we are proud to offer this convenient, effective, one handed alternative sure to offend other drivers almost as much as your giant, hairy, boil covered
[It's the Hate Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!]
----- Original Message -----
From: Tawnia E
Sent: Saturday, October 08, 2005 11:59 PM
just had to comment on your "they shake me" shirt for a baby. How on earth is that funny? my daughter was shook when she was 6 weeks old and now suffers daily because of it. is that funny? it would be disgusting for me to put her in that, or anyone to put any child in a shirt like that. im all for free speech and such, but im just wondering what kind of sick fuck would want to freely speak of such a horrible tragedy in a sad attempt at making a joke about it?? i believe that if people don't like something they shouldn't look, which after seeing this i never plan to look at your website again, but it's just a sad world we live in that uninformed people like the one that designed that shirt and the other people that will look at it and other shirts like it will laugh and think it's funny rather than thinking of the people that have had to deal with such tragedies. People can laugh at the paris hilton ones, the heidie fleiss ones, those people made the choices to get the recognition for the craz ass shit they did. but making fun of christopher reeves? shaken babies?? give a dead man some respect and shut the fuck up about innocent babies that can't help what happened to them.
(Editor's Note: Your daughter's problems are far from over considering the idiot she has for a mother. I'm sure she looks forward to her daily seizures as a welcome respite from your ignorant droning. We made our "they shake me" baby shirt not to satisfy any internal need, but simply because the babies demanded it. It is no secret that children are cruel, and like to torment each other for their own amusement. We are one of the few companies to admit, and in fact embrace the vicious streak that is at the core of every infant. Christopher Reeves is no different from Paris Hilton except that she has slightly better legs. But he had bigger tits and probably moved around more in bed. He held himself up for adoration and therefore made himself equally available as an object for scorn. If he had rolled away quietly we would have gladly left him alone to stew in his Superman adult diaper. )
----- Original Message -----
From: Miranda S.
Sent: Thursday, October 06, 2005 11:16 AM
Subject: T Shits.
I would just like to tell you what a horrible human being I think you are.
It's one thing to sell lame "attitude" t shirts that say something like "fuck you" or "I'm with stupid" but it's a completely different story when you peddle t shirts for 18 bucks that have cruel messages about black infants. To make it worse your t shirts were probably made by children in
sweat shops. I hope your happy.
(Editor's Note: Miranda, after a long day of hooking at the trailer park, your mother was often arrested. And as she squatted on the nightsticks of the officers, both to amuse them and to pass the time, she would think about the teeming gazpacho of anonymous man juice that coated her throat and her gaping fuck wound. She hoped that one day, in spite of the syphilis, AIDS, and addiction, that this sperm would unite with her moldy eggs and produce a child. That child was you. Don't you understand that she named you Miranda, after the rights the policemen read to her each night when she was arrested, for a reason? She was trying to instill in you a love of the law, a reverence for the rights that Americans hold dear. You clearly don't respect our right to free speech and truly are unworthy of your mother's love. Apparently, the only things of value your mother was able to give you, are your lovely flipper arms that allow you to swim so very fast.)
----- Original Message -----
From: "Pamela A. M."
Sent: Thursday, September 29, 2005 10:51 AM
Subject: Re: T-Shirt Hell: Your order has been shipped
Got the t-shirt. It will be my last purchase from your firm -- I didn't appreciate your very NOT funny receipt. I realize that most of your clients probably think it is hilarious, but a lot of them need their mommy's credit card to pay for the purchase and this mommy didn't think it was very funny.
(Editor's Note: Our receipt is super funny. In fact it was voted funniest receipt ever by the local Shriners. There is nothing worse than a mommy with no sense of humor. How are you going to react when your child is expelled from school for wearing the shirt? You're not going to laugh? I have forwarded your credit card information to our identity theft division. Once we have destroyed your credit, your good name, and you are languishing in debtor's prison; we will take your child and raise him as our own. Just kidding, they will be sent to Belize and sold into slavery.)
----- Original Message -----
From: "H, Erling
Sent: Wednesday, September 28, 2005 9:14 AM
Subject: Anti muscal tshirt for Norwegian boy in Liverpool
Dear T-shirt hell.
I am Norwegian and hate musicals, andrew loyd webber and all that crap. So do you, right? So here is my idea: please make an anti musical/loyd webber t-shirt for me and all the other people here that hates musicals.
Please help me.
Erling H, Norway
(Editor's Note: If I had a nickel for every musical hating Norwegian who made this request I would be a rich lady. I am a rich lady, perhaps I already do. Norwegian anti-musical shirts are really more of a seasonal item so while we don't have any at the moment, be sure and look for them around Christmas. Or as they say in Norway, "brystvorte ost erklÃ¦re
[Free Happy Ending]
Katie Holmes is reportedly pregnant with Tom Cruise's baby. In other news, flocks of pigs continue to soar across the sky; and sales of ice skates, snowmobiles, and parkas have gone through the roof in all 9 circles of Hell.
Go away and think about what you've done