DEMOCRATIC DONKEY (HEAD UP ITS ASS)
OK, BUT WASH IT FIRST
OFFICER DOWN
I'M THE GUY WHO GOT HIS EAR CUT OFF IN RESERVOIR DOGS
MARSHMALLOW ROAST
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
ME SO HOLY ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME
I FUCKING LOVE TO CUDDLE
POP A SMURF
GUESS HE CAN'T (BARACK OBAMA)
FREE HUGS (WORLD CHAMPION SLUT HUGGER)
BLING-BLING
I DRINK IN MODERATION - "MODERATION" IS AN IMAGINARY PLACE THAT EXISTS WHEREVER I AM
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

Chicago failed in its recent bid to get the 2016 Olympics. I thought it was cute the way all those people thought America would still exist seven years from now. Still, it would've been cool to see all those athletes go for the gold in Cannibalism and Fuel-hoarding.

Distribution of the swine flu vaccine began last week. It must really be working because I don't know anyone who has gotten the swine flu. Yep, that vaccine is really doing its job. The same way my magic hat protects me from lion-rape.

A 4.4 million-year-old skeleton nicknamed "Ardi" has been found to be the oldest human ancestor, predating the famous "Lucy" by more than a million years. Man, I feel bad for Ardi. Can you imagine floating there for 4.39 million years waiting for God to create the universe?

The 2009 Nobel Prizes were handed out last week. Elizabeth Blackburn, Carol Greider and Jack Szostak won in the field of medicine. Bullshit! Beyonce has one of the best medical advancements of all time! Oh pop culture references... You never fail to deliver a mindless chuckle. Smurfs.

I would make some joke about the surge in Afghanistan, but I don't know what's going on with that. Near as I can tell, they stole our dirt and rocks and we're trying to get them back. Or maybe we're just trying to justify a defense budget large enough to build another Earth. I don't know, but one thing's for sure: money is not being wasted. Buy war bonds! (a.k.a. "Pay taxes")

Miley Cyrus has quit Twitter. Oh man... this is my generation's tragic moment. Like that 9-11 thing a while ago, or the JFK assassination. I will remember exactly where I was when this happened: standing next to Miley Cyrus pointing a gun at her head. But seriously, it is now up to the rest of us to fill the void she has left. So everyone get on Twitter and tweet about Billy Ray Cyrus and Disney execs touching your cooter.


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