Chicago failed in its recent bid to get the 2016 Olympics. I thought it was cute the way all those people thought America would still exist seven years from now. Still, it would've been cool to see all those athletes go for the gold in Cannibalism and Fuel-hoarding.
Distribution of the swine flu vaccine began last week. It must really be working because I don't know anyone who has gotten the swine flu. Yep, that vaccine is really doing its job. The same way my magic hat protects me from lion-rape.
A 4.4 million-year-old skeleton nicknamed "Ardi" has been found to be the oldest human ancestor, predating the famous "Lucy" by more than a million years. Man, I feel bad for Ardi. Can you imagine floating there for 4.39 million years waiting for God to create the universe?
The 2009 Nobel Prizes were handed out last week. Elizabeth Blackburn, Carol Greider and Jack Szostak won in the field of medicine. Bullshit! Beyonce has one of the best medical advancements of all time! Oh pop culture references... You never fail to deliver a mindless chuckle. Smurfs.
I would make some joke about the surge in Afghanistan, but I don't know what's going on with that. Near as I can tell, they stole our dirt and rocks and we're trying to get them back. Or maybe we're just trying to justify a defense budget large enough to build another Earth. I don't know, but one thing's for sure: money is not being wasted. Buy war bonds! (a.k.a. "Pay taxes")
Miley Cyrus has quit Twitter. Oh man... this is my generation's tragic moment. Like that 9-11 thing a while ago, or the JFK assassination. I will remember exactly where I was when this happened: standing next to Miley Cyrus pointing a gun at her head. But seriously, it is now up to the rest of us to fill the void she has left. So everyone get on Twitter and tweet about Billy Ray Cyrus and Disney execs touching your cooter.
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If you regularly or even occasionally pay attention to the news, you have likely noticed stories about students not being allowed to practice their faith in school. I can't understand why this happens. It's like these schools think we have a separation of church and state.
You may be desensitized to these stories due to their frequency, but I assure you that religious students having their non-rights trampled is still a problem in America. To raise awareness of this, I've decided to put a human face on it by sharing with you the travails of one such student. Or by pandering to your reactionary and childish nature. Tomato, tomahto.
The student in question is 4th grader Deirdra Lynn Bedford of Altoona, Alabama. She attends Anti-Abolitionist Elementary and practices Arbitrarism, which is a denomination of Randomanity. Based on the teachings of their savior, Mehsus, the tenets of this faith require its followers to wait by the phone each morning until they receive a call giving them a meaningless task or action to carry out.
A steadfast church member (and one of the few with the mind of a 10-year-old because she is ten years old), Deirdra follows these instructions school or no school. As a result, she has received numerous suspensions. The first occurred in kindergarten, when Deirdra was suspended three days after walking the halls wearing a sandwich board with images of anal fisting plastered all over it.
Regarding that suspension, the school's principal, Marshal Buchanan, had this to say: "I thought a three-day suspension was fair. Which is what I said when I first met Deirdra's mother, who for some reason was wearing a helmet made of used maxi pads."
And what of Deirdra's subsequent violations? "It's usually nothing," said Principal Buchanan. "She'll dump apple butter in the goldfish tank or shit in a wig before placing it in a toilet - you know, nothing our Mexican can't handle. The suspensions occur when she crosses a line and disrupts class. Like when she choked Billy Duncan... I don't want to know where she got all those pubes."
"She hasn't been expelled because her age." said her teacher, Ms. Aken. "Much is forgiven due to youthful ignorance, but eventually people must shed childish beliefs. Last week she staple-gunned squirrels to her nipples and sang the Canadian National Anthem in class. All because a man she will never see commanded it. Can you imagine an adult with a functioning brain doing that? Scary."
The school takes the suspensions in stride, but how does Deirdra's mom feel about this? "My baby don't need no schoolin'. Mehsus is all the education she need. Besides, my tax dollars pay for that school; she should be able to do anything she wants.”
"Well, I don't pay taxes, but somebody does. And I assume they want my baby to do whatever Arbitrarism says, even at the expense of their child's education and safety. Religion is more important than so-called 'progress.' Life like it was thousands of years ago... Now that's progress."
Of course, lost in the discussion of freedom and values is what matters most: Deirdra. How does she feel about all this? "I'm a kid. What goes into my head is a matter of who got there first. My mom showed up; she won. If I was raised by wolves I wouldn't be aware of the concept of god and I'd eat rabbits in a hollow log.”
"But as it stands mom put Mehsus in my head and said everything else is a lie or a threat. So I'll believe this the rest of my life and so will my kids, and that's how this stuff survives. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for gym class. I've got to go throw jars of urine at the Jewish kid."
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From: Ms. Lara S.
All your shirts are just disgusting. I supose you and your ignorant fans think this garbage is funny but its just a celebration of alcoholism and sexism and violence disguised as humor. It's bad enough that all of the television shows are full of uneducated women who think they might be able to improve their lives by exploiting themselves by wearing bikinis and trying to marry some has been rockstar or second rate actor from the eighties. I can see people still have a lot of growing up to do in America.
Editor's Note: Okay, let's see if I remember how to do this... You're a dumb bitch!
Yes! I've still got that subtle magic. But more important than my incisive, witty retorts is the ability of people to still be retarded. I'm glad to see that ability has been maintained even as bong hits and malt liquor have taken the edge off my hostility. I'm sure my negativity can return to its former glory; it just needs to get back in fighting shape. Cue the montage!
[Hatred attempts to benchpress 500 lbs... "You're ugly." Hatred hitting speedbag, jumping rope... "You're stupid." Hatred jogging behind car, doing one-armed push ups, once again attempting to benchpress 500 lbs... "Go fuck yourself. To call you irrelevant would be an insult to irrelevance. You can sit behind your tear-soaked keyboard sending emails to people with a sense of humor all the fucking livelong day, but it doesn't change the fact that you mean nothing to anyone. At best, you rank as a mosquito - just an annoyance to be swatted and forgotten. You cunty, cunty mosquito." Hatred gets up the 500 lbs.]
YES! Stay tuned for the increasingly unsatisfying sequels.
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From: Jeffrey T.
The 'officer down' shirt really crosses a line. It's a shame because I like most of your stuff. Most of them are funny and good nature. Of course some of them are more questionable but this one I really think is just to much. I am not going to buy any more of your shirts and I'm going to tell all of my friends to do the same thing. Some things are funny and some things are just off limits. this is one of those things.
Editor's Note: Ah, the sweet smell of familiarity. It wouldn't be a return to hate mail without some form of "I like most of your shirts, but ___ is unacceptable." You've gotta love the hypocrisy of the self-righteous.
It's like this time me and my friend Chuck were throwing expired coleslaw at homeless people... We were nailing those filthy hobos with slaw until they were blanketed in it, then I decide to switch over to eggs. All of the sudden Chuck freaks out and says I've gone too far. As if these animals were somehow above having me rub yolks into their beards with my foot. It's probably the best meal they've had in years.
Anyway, I'm struggling to understand what line we've crossed with "Officer Down." Have we offended tards or cops? Or have we merely offended you by implying there might actually be a difference?
In either case, you can go fuck yourself. Wait... I don't want you to have that satisfaction. I've got it: Go tease yourself. Just look at all those pictures of throbbing cocks you normally look at to rub one out, but don't finish the job. Just put those pictures away after a couple minutes and let your unsatisfied boner awkwardly sit there.
That may not be harsh enough to catch on. Go Rusty Trombone yourself. We have a winner!
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your a bunch of assholes!!!! i hope none comes to your shitty site and you are forced to close!! if i ever see a person wearing of thse shirts i kick there ass!!!!! FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!!!
Editor's Note: You know, sometimes a person in my position can question whether or not what they do is worthwhile. Little nagging thoughts like "Is all the negativity we spread worth it? I mean, shirt sales keep me neck-deep in coke, vagina and candy apples, but is it really worth it?"
Then I read an email like this and think "Yes. It is definitely worth it." Because it once again reminds me that people stupid enough to be offended by retarded jokes deserve to be offended. See, had it not been for our shirts this mentally-defeated simp would've remained in his bubble of window-licking happiness. But thanks to us, he's unhappy. And that makes me feel warm inside and moist outside.
Point being, this site isn't about spreading misery; it's about spreading misery to those who deserve misery. You're welcome, stupid fucking assholes of the world (a.k.a. everyone).
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From: Maximo G.
Enjoy selling the Mexicant shirt while you still can. Latinos are quickly becoming the majority in this country and soon white people will be the punchline they've tried to turn us into. I hope you enjoyed your time at the top of the pile. Its over now.
Vete a la chingada, gringo.
Editor's Note: I'm sensing a tone here. A fiery Latin tone. This seems awfully arrogant for an email which basically says nothing more than "My race is good at humping." Ooh, you can squirt cum in a fat stretched-out pussy; aren't you fucking special?
Wait... You do reproduce like regular humans, right? Or do you just rub chorizo on your skin and a bunch of little Hispanics pop out like in Gremlins? Or does the male of your species squat over a plate of tamales and fertilize them with his seed?
Anyway, all this speculation about who will be the minority in the coming years is beside the point. Because at the end of the day, it's all about who has the money. And if by some inexplicable accident a Latino gets his hands on the money, he'll just use that money to turn himself white. Sayonara, Carlos.
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[Middle Finger Here]
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, no anal.