It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing

Halle Berry recently announced that she was pregnant. I'm sorry, Halle. I had no idea my fingers could do that.

After admitting to using performance-enhancing drugs, track star Marion Jones has returned the 5 medals she won at the Sydney Olympics. Jones deeply regrets her poor judgment and wishes to apologize from the bottom of her hairy balls.

Five students in a Cleveland high school were recently injured during yet another school shooting. Jesus, as if living in Cleveland wasn't bad enough. The only thing worse than that would be living in Oklahoma and getting raped with a broken mop handle.

The 2007 Nobel prizes were awarded last week. The recipients are as follows: Ed Asner for archery, Dr. J for his vegetarian casserole, and Larry King for shooting lasers out of his nipples. Okay, I made those up, but believe me when I say those are 8 zillion times more interesting than the actual winners. Some German guy figured out a way to make hard drives smaller, some Asian invented transparent pizza, blah blah blah. Call me when you invent a shopping cart that doesn't wobble. Am I right, people?

Britney Spears' record label has decided to move up the release date of her new album to October 30. Mark your calendars and prepare to fight the mobs so you can purchase what is sure to be a timeless masterpiece. Or, for the same price of the album, you can pay Britney to clean your asshole with her tongue. Unless you're good at haggling. I talked her down to a can of Michelob Lite and half a Ho-Ho. You can't tell me she lip-synchs.


New Shirts

Our new shirts have arrived, still naked and screaming. Like me in a Denny's. And I needn't remind you that Halloween is rapidly approaching, so be sure to buy at least 20-50 of these new tees, depending on how many trick-or-treaters you're expecting.

This latest batch is all about conflict. Whether you want that tool to know what the world really thinks of his "body art" or you just want to trade your hate for some waitress saliva, we've got the shirt for you. And if you aren't down (syndrome) with that, we've got some other shirts that are guaranteed to get you laid.* - *Guarantee void if you're ugly.

All of our new shirts are here:

long division

MISTA NUMBA ONE ROUNDEYE!The internet runs our lives. Other lessons from Professor Obvious: Cookies are delicious and Asians sound funny. I'm not going to tell you that humanity has become a slave to the machine. Writers and philosophers have told us that we would ultimately become technology's bitch since decades before the internet even existed. I'm not here to make the same point they've already made while using terms like 'cumbreath' and 'queef-for-brains' instead of terms like 'dystopian' and 'neonate.'

Furthermore, I'm also not going to preach about how we can strike back against the electronic overlord or even suggest that it's a bad thing. I would simply like to encourage everyone to allow the system to finish the job. That's right, I'm talking full submission. We've Sciencematicians Do It In Binarydone a great job of it so far. We shop and pay bills online, we get our entertainment online, we even meet friends and sexual partners online. Oh, and I heard it has porn.

But while we have more or less handed over the reins, there are still some things that humans do for themselves. And I'm not just talking about nun-fisting. Now I'm no sciencematician...I don't know how we'll become 100% dependent on machines. Maybe I'll ask a machine to tell me. In the meantime, here are a few things we still do on our own. Hopefully we can figure out how to stop doing them and finally realize the dream of making ourselves obsolete.

Holy god you could hide midgets in that thing!Finding a beard

There's no shortage of matchmaking services online, but they were all designed with romantic pairings in mind. What about all the gay men who have the decency to hide their sexuality from the world? Don't they deserve what they will pretend is love? With, closeted men the world over will be able to find the perfect beard to fool family, friends, potential employers, anyone of voting age in their district and, most importantly, themselves.


Sure, you can get directions to the nearest Planned Parenthood online, but there's no internet service that will allow you to do away with the miracle inside of you while remaining in the comfort of your home. will be devoted to exactly that. We'll have a list of detailed do-it-yourself instructions, or we can just send a "licensed" abortion doctor to your home. We'll even send some hate-filled Christian protestors to your home so you can enjoy the full experience.

Pouring one out for my exploded homies.Suicide bombing

I think it goes without saying that we'd all like to martyr ourselves, but in this work-a-day world of ours, who has the time? At we'll handle all the details, allowing you to live the small remainder of your life uninterrupted. When the time comes, all you'll have to do is get in the car and the driver will take you to the bus station/busy shopping center of your choice. Happy exploding!

Get knocked up

As previously mentioned, there are numerous ways to meet a mate online, but no sites dedicated to ruining your life for the one second you get drunk and let your guard down. Thanks to, now you can. Just fill out the information screen, start doing shot after shot of cheap whiskey, and just as you feel it kicking in, click "OK." A guy that works 20 hours a week for Best Buy will be there in no time.

Don't you wish your website was hot like me?Do stuff

It's fine to eliminate all the day-to-day tasks of the general population, but what about all the unique things that make you you? That's where comes in. Simply enter in any unusual activities you perform and a man with a webcam will do it for you, allowing you to avoid an experience. Whether you're into drowning cats or throwing expired meat products at street performers, is there for you don't have to be.

There you have it. Just a few more tasks for us to hand over to our metal masters (no, not Slayer). My vision of the future plays out something like The Matrix. Except this won't end with an awesome, slo-mo kung-fu battle. Instead, we will fade gently into that good night, perfectly content and fully aware that we're forever trapped in our gooey cocoon.

You can call this irony or satire, but the honest truth is that I have embraced the inevitable. Besides, maybe becoming an extension of machines is just the next step in our evolution. I'm sorry, I meant the next step in our intelligent design. Mankind has repeatedly resisted change. And just as often has he failed.

Sure, all these advancements have left us dead inside and insignificant, but the important thing is that we're becoming someone's definition. So sit back and let the plug slide into the back of your head. Because the best way to get through life is to have something else live it for you.

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