space
newsfromhell

It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing
HULK RUN FAST. HULK SMASH!



Halle Berry recently announced that she was pregnant. I'm sorry, Halle. I had no idea my fingers could do that.

After admitting to using performance-enhancing drugs, track star Marion Jones has returned the 5 medals she won at the Sydney Olympics. Jones deeply regrets her poor judgment and wishes to apologize from the bottom of her hairy balls.

Five students in a Cleveland high school were recently injured during yet another school shooting. Jesus, as if living in Cleveland wasn't bad enough. The only thing worse than that would be living in Oklahoma and getting raped with a broken mop handle.

The 2007 Nobel prizes were awarded last week. The recipients are as follows: Ed Asner for archery, Dr. J for his vegetarian casserole, and Larry King for shooting lasers out of his nipples. Okay, I made those up, but believe me when I say those are 8 zillion times more interesting than the actual winners. Some German guy figured out a way to make hard drives smaller, some Asian invented transparent pizza, blah blah blah. Call me when you invent a shopping cart that doesn't wobble. Am I right, people?

Britney Spears' record label has decided to move up the release date of her new album to October 30. Mark your calendars and prepare to fight the mobs so you can purchase what is sure to be a timeless masterpiece. Or, for the same price of the album, you can pay Britney to clean your asshole with her tongue. Unless you're good at haggling. I talked her down to a can of Michelob Lite and half a Ho-Ho. You can't tell me she lip-synchs.

space

New Shirts

Our new shirts have arrived, still naked and screaming. Like me in a Denny's. And I needn't remind you that Halloween is rapidly approaching, so be sure to buy at least 20-50 of these new tees, depending on how many trick-or-treaters you're expecting.

This latest batch is all about conflict. Whether you want that tool to know what the world really thinks of his "body art" or you just want to trade your hate for some waitress saliva, we've got the shirt for you. And if you aren't down (syndrome) with that, we've got some other shirts that are guaranteed to get you laid.* - *Guarantee void if you're ugly.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_101507_news.htm

long division


MISTA NUMBA ONE ROUNDEYE!The internet runs our lives. Other lessons from Professor Obvious: Cookies are delicious and Asians sound funny. I'm not going to tell you that humanity has become a slave to the machine. Writers and philosophers have told us that we would ultimately become technology's bitch since decades before the internet even existed. I'm not here to make the same point they've already made while using terms like 'cumbreath' and 'queef-for-brains' instead of terms like 'dystopian' and 'neonate.'

Furthermore, I'm also not going to preach about how we can strike back against the electronic overlord or even suggest that it's a bad thing. I would simply like to encourage everyone to allow the system to finish the job. That's right, I'm talking full submission. We've Sciencematicians Do It In Binarydone a great job of it so far. We shop and pay bills online, we get our entertainment online, we even meet friends and sexual partners online. Oh, and I heard it has porn.

But while we have more or less handed over the reins, there are still some things that humans do for themselves. And I'm not just talking about nun-fisting. Now I'm no sciencematician...I don't know how we'll become 100% dependent on machines. Maybe I'll ask a machine to tell me. In the meantime, here are a few things we still do on our own. Hopefully we can figure out how to stop doing them and finally realize the dream of making ourselves obsolete.

Holy god you could hide midgets in that thing!Finding a beard

There's no shortage of matchmaking services online, but they were all designed with romantic pairings in mind. What about all the gay men who have the decency to hide their sexuality from the world? Don't they deserve what they will pretend is love? With beardfinder.com, closeted men the world over will be able to find the perfect beard to fool family, friends, potential employers, anyone of voting age in their district and, most importantly, themselves.

Abortion

Sure, you can get directions to the nearest Planned Parenthood online, but there's no internet service that will allow you to do away with the miracle inside of you while remaining in the comfort of your home. Abortionhut.com will be devoted to exactly that. We'll have a list of detailed do-it-yourself instructions, or we can just send a "licensed" abortion doctor to your home. We'll even send some hate-filled Christian protestors to your home so you can enjoy the full experience.

Pouring one out for my exploded homies.Suicide bombing

I think it goes without saying that we'd all like to martyr ourselves, but in this work-a-day world of ours, who has the time? At martyrstartyr.com we'll handle all the details, allowing you to live the small remainder of your life uninterrupted. When the time comes, all you'll have to do is get in the car and the driver will take you to the bus station/busy shopping center of your choice. Happy exploding!

Get knocked up

As previously mentioned, there are numerous ways to meet a mate online, but no sites dedicated to ruining your life for the one second you get drunk and let your guard down. Thanks to sweetjesusiruinedmylifeforthirtyminutesofmeaninglessfun.com, now you can. Just fill out the information screen, start doing shot after shot of cheap whiskey, and just as you feel it kicking in, click "OK." A guy that works 20 hours a week for Best Buy will be there in no time.

Don't you wish your website was hot like me?Do stuff

It's fine to eliminate all the day-to-day tasks of the general population, but what about all the unique things that make you you? That's where avoidliving.com comes in. Simply enter in any unusual activities you perform and a man with a webcam will do it for you, allowing you to avoid an experience. Whether you're into drowning cats or throwing expired meat products at street performers, avoidliving.com is there for you...so you don't have to be.

There you have it. Just a few more tasks for us to hand over to our metal masters (no, not Slayer). My vision of the future plays out something like The Matrix. Except this won't end with an awesome, slo-mo kung-fu battle. Instead, we will fade gently into that good night, perfectly content and fully aware that we're forever trapped in our gooey cocoon.

You can call this irony or satire, but the honest truth is that I have embraced the inevitable. Besides, maybe becoming an extension of machines is just the next step in our evolution. I'm sorry, I meant the next step in our intelligent design. Mankind has repeatedly resisted change. And just as often has he failed.

Sure, all these advancements have left us dead inside and insignificant, but the important thing is that we're becoming better...by someone's definition. So sit back and let the plug slide into the back of your head. Because the best way to get through life is to have something else live it for you.

Comments (24) - View Comments - Add A Comment

zach  10/16/07 5:51 pm
you guys are awesome. I would love to work for you people, I dont care how many prostitutes I have to bone or babies I have to kill.

FooFooLamarr  10/16/07 6:28 pm
You continue to be too fucking funny!

Happy exploding!

moly pooper  10/16/07 8:31 pm
Really, that was great. That deserved an applause, but I'm not going to be the fag to applaud the computer screen. The Matrix totally sucked though.

Jayelin  10/16/07 9:52 pm
The dude from best buy I'm pretty sure works for staples now. I know that guy.

daffyff  10/16/07 10:32 pm
I'm fairly tired of the whole "fight whatever trend that is devalueing our lives/values/morals/environment" thing. People are like all the other animals except we have the ability to realize that things are changing from our actions, but not the ability to make a damn difference about it.

the god of fock  10/17/07 5:45 am
http://evil-guide.tripod.com/
try this site out my nubian goddess....

Rrrrreally  10/17/07 10:00 am
The Matrix sucked? If you're a mongoloid. Maybe if you're attention is held by Tubby Custard instead of deep ideas you wouldn't like the Matrix. Or maybe if you're the kind of person that gives kudos on a web-site to someone that you don't even know for writing something clever that you couldn't have thought of. Or maybe your mom smoked a lot of sherm while she was pregnant. Who knows why people don't like the Matrix. Who knows by people strap bombs to themselves to blow up the infidels - they probably think they're right even when the rest of the world knows they're just ignorant.

Iman Azol  10/17/07 10:06 am
I support global warming by burning tires, animal abuse by raping, killing, skinning and eating animals (not necessarily in that order) and the right wing conspiracy by killing hippies. What can I do to further the debasement of our lives through the internet?

Kerfuffle  10/17/07 10:30 am
My vision of the future plays out something like a porno ... shit starts out slow but you know something’s cumming (mostly by the bawwhh-chicka-baw-bawmm music). As it progresses things intensify rapidly; there’s moaning and screaming and lots of sucking until shit get so heated up that there’s a powerful orgasmic explosion …… the explosion signifies the end.

Spanky  10/17/07 11:19 am
WTF! None of those links work. I want my money back.

NICKO  10/17/07 1:11 pm
between substance abuse and internet addiction I find it questionable as to whether I do exist

Glo  10/17/07 1:39 pm
That best buy dude?


It's ME, bitches!

codemon  10/17/07 7:52 pm
ya, none of those (dot) com's are real cuz the rant is one long-assed joke, but according to GoDaddy.com, people have been reserving the mentioned domains all day. But a good place like prostitution. com remains on the banned list.

Spekkio  10/17/07 8:46 pm
We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Your biological and technological uniqueness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile.

Dan Franks  10/18/07 2:09 am
I just want to say, your fucking hilarious, and/or genius. I love these assholes who waste they're time to write in to tell you your an asshole, like you really care. If they're that upset they shouldn't be on here anyway. They should spend they're time @ myvaginahurtsandimmoreofadouchethenpresbush.com So to all that have a problem with all the wonderful shirts here "GO LISTEN TO SOME GEORGE CARLIN AND SLIT YOUR WRISTS!" oh and if that doesn't work, I'll slit your throat so I can fuck the hole.

BigByte Bill  10/18/07 9:23 am
I enjoy reading your ramblings and thoroughly enjoy your sarcasm, irony, and truly laughable references to our fucked-up world in a way that only a true connoisseur of weed could describe! Your shirts are absolutely ass kickin' fun and I purchase from time to time whenever I find one that suits my twisted, sarcastic demeanor and won't get me lynched in my redneck neck of the woods. The real question is do you like white men like me as well as women? As a 30-something, black, girl-lovin’, middle class, female entrepreneur who owns her own website and thriving T-Shirt company, do you ever allow a man to taste your health and make you scream naughty profanities with both his ears in hand? I would love to see a photo of you, or any part there of I might add, so I can put an end to the strain you’ve placed on my brain by me wanting to see the truly gifted woman behind this internet T-Shirt utopia designed and inspired by pure genius – you! Have I kissed your black ass enough to hopefully get you to post something to help me visualize your likeness?

DRPNS  10/18/07 2:33 pm
The code said DRPeNiS....HAHAHA

sarah  10/18/07 7:16 pm
lmao...i'll be forwarding the link to abortionhut.com and sweetjesusruinedmylifeforthirtyminutesofmeaninglessfun.com
to my sister in law....oh and she can soo beat britneys
price on the ass licking...lmao..you get funnier every time

Bitch  10/18/07 7:29 pm
I have to agree with "Rrrreally",
"Rrrrreally
The Matrix sucked? If you're a mongoloid. Maybe if you're attention is held by Tubby Custard instead of deep ideas you wouldn't like the Matrix. Or maybe if you're the kind of person that gives kudos on a web-site to someone that you don't even know for writing something clever that you couldn't have thought of. Or maybe your mom smoked a lot of sherm while she was pregnant. Who knows why people don't like the Matrix. Who knows by people strap bombs to themselves to blow up the infidels - they probably think they're right even when the rest of the world knows they're just ignorant.". Congratulations on a full paragraph that starts and ends with retardism.You are so right,and the ignorant dipshit is you. Please spend more time consuming household cleaners.

Sherry Repponds  10/18/07 8:13 pm
I am still waiting for you to admit that those t-shirt ideas I submitted MONTHS ago are good ones. I'm also still waiting for my 2 free tshirts! If you are nice, I am going to order another 120.00 worth of your foul but funny shirts for xmas gifts again this year. I got one boy wears his "hopeless romantic.." shirt everyday and it still looks brand new. Good quality shit.
Sherry

Twitch  10/19/07 10:14 pm
dude, its funny you say that shit about the broken mop. my uncle just raped some guy with a broken mop for stealing his goods. i didnt know other people did that too! now i dont feel so crazy

Ana  10/21/07 6:42 pm
Well I have never been so entertained with sarcasm.... nor have I read something so funny as this.

TheTallGuy  10/30/07 8:31 pm
Zach,
I think you may have gotten a bit mixed up. You have to kill the prostitutes, and bone the babies. Otherwise you'd have no chance.

Big Dick Valerie  10/31/07 1:08 pm
Friggin Genius. I wouldn't even waste my time with The Matrix, but the Girl from GoDaddy, well, I wore her out last year. Mighty good till it got sloppy, talk about a gooey cocoon!! Chicks with Dicks, Bitches!!!


space

-----Original Message-----

From: Rob
Sent: Monday, October 08, 2007
Subject: What the hell?

Man, You suck. You know why? I'll tell you why. Because I've submitted so many great ideas to your website and you have never once used any of them. Yet, you put up these new shirts and most of them suck balls.

Also, I have been friends with you on Myspace for so fucking long and I never win anything. What kind of crap is that. How do you pick your winners? You must pick them at random or something, because you certainly didn't pick them in order of how long they have been supporting T-Shirt hell. Even my retarded great aunt knows that sweepstakes are not created to be fair. Fuck it.

Supreme King and High MasterEditor's Note: So your great-aunt (who is apparently retarded) has figured it out, yet you still can't manage to wrap your God-damaged brain around it? If you people start being honest about your intelligence you're going to render me unnecessary. Not that my racist, church-burning robot hasn't already done that.

Anyway, you REALLY want to know how we pick the winners? Fine, I'll tell you. We do it based on who is least douchey. And I'm sorry to say that you're at the bottom of the list. We were getting ready to move you up one spot, right above the genetically engineered baby of James Blunt and Justin Timberlake, but then we received this email, and you quickly regained your title of "Supreme King and High Master of the Douches." Congrats.

Comments (20) - View Comments - Add A Comment

fuckedinthehead  10/16/07 5:30 pm
No Rob, you suck like a 2 dollar hooker getting a 5 dollar tip. Plain and simple. You're stupid ideas are pathetic and I am grateful to the people at TSH for not placing your pea brained attempts at humor onto me. Rob, do the world a favor and just end your life before you get your sister pregnant.

manther  10/16/07 5:37 pm
rob should change his name to douchey mcdouchenozzle.

Jen  10/16/07 5:41 pm
Sweeet! Least I know I'm not in the bottom 2 on the douche list, so THANKS Supreme King-o-Douches

JC  10/16/07 6:01 pm
And let it ring out across the universe as he shall forever be known for his supreme douchebaggery

Covert  10/16/07 6:30 pm
oh i get it! everyone is calling him a douche because the editor did. how FUCKING RETARDED. be original! you dont have to be funny. just say something that wasnt said in most of the previous comments! but on a lighter note. that guy is a total douche

FooFoo Lamarr  10/16/07 6:31 pm
>Man, You suck. You know why? I'll tell you why. >Because I've submitted so many great ideas to >your website and you have never once used any >of them. Yet, you put up these new shirts and >most of them suck balls.

So tell me, Rob, how do you know this? Ahem.

jared leff  10/16/07 8:54 pm
hey there idiot. read this carefully. ITS A CONTEST. you didnt win, get off your lazy ass and accomplish something already. quit your bitching.

pret  10/17/07 7:41 am
Please someone give him an over stocked t-shirt. Sorry we have none.

Dick Cheney's Aborted Live Child  10/17/07 9:58 am
and I thought my ex-fiancee was a fucking douche...

Iman Azol  10/17/07 10:08 am
Where can I get a racist, church-burning robot? Only I want it to be sexist and burn day care centers.

Oh, and assfuck poodles.

Heywood Jablowme  10/17/07 10:35 am
Rob-

I don't know where your priorities are, but if I had a t-shirt that sucked balls, I would never leave the house. Maybe if it innappropriately touched your man-puss that would make you happy, ya douchebag.


Kerfuffle  10/17/07 10:41 am
No Rob, you suck. You know why? Because douche drinkers like you cause vaginal irritation. Hopefully the douche I'm about to perform will remove the stupidity film you've managed to leave behind.

Glo  10/17/07 1:59 pm
I wonder if Rob is tight as a 5th grader?

We should feed him burritos and test that out with a few moving helicopter blades. Then give him the Darwin award for taking himself out of the gene pool.

criztine  10/17/07 8:32 pm
douche this, douche that, bla bla bla, fuck it, look, it's justin timberlake! "It's my dick in a box!" hawt!

bobby  10/17/07 9:20 pm
actually, i won the lazy little bitch contest before (i got i (plane)NY and spin my dreidel) and i had only been signed up for the contest for like two months, so fuck you guy i am better than you

Dr Shit-on-a-biscuit PhD  10/18/07 7:38 am
You know how I know you suck balls Rob? You start a hatemail with a rhetorical question and then answer it yourself. what a fucking twat. you obviously take after your retarded great aunt, maybe thats because you whip out your 2" pocket rocket when you visit her in the hospital and jizz on her life support machine causing it to short-out and kill her...oh well..just head down to the park and rake some leaves to make a dress for your wife who's also your brother!

sarah  10/18/07 7:20 pm
thanks rob you just made me a little more likely to win....NOW SHUT YOUR CRYIN WHINY TITTYBABY ASS UP

geo606  10/18/07 7:50 pm
sounds like someone has ideas above their station. Perhaps your ideas weren't that good after all. You ass sucking reprobate. Grow up. Filing that, go to the pharmacy and ask for a pair of testicles. They may be able to help. Asshole.

kill jigs  10/19/07 3:09 am
kill niggers with douches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!that sounds like a great past time!!

duf  10/19/07 4:58 am
Perhaps Lord Douchebottom should make his own t-shirt site and make millions of his "I (dildo) my Retarded Great Aunt" t-shirts. Make the old hag proud, Robbie Boy!


joy division

-----Original Message-----

From: Jauer*** @ ***.com
Sent: Monday, October 08, 2007
Subject: Keep pedophilia references off your site!

I'm referring to the tee that reads, "Are you tighter than a 5th grader?" Surely you can make your money without overtly referencing or seeming to promote pedophilia (and no, I'm not kidding, and yes, I have a sense of humor). Adult sex jokes are fine. Keep kids out of it.

Jane

Editor's Note: Of course we could make money without promoting pedophilia, but why would anyone want to? That would be like becoming a professional athlete and not using your 'Free Rape' coupon. Or becoming a dentist and not teabagging your patients while they're under the gas. I have more, but I'll stop.

Aside from the instant gratification that pedophilia provides, it's also important to our future. Let's assume we put an end to pedophilia right now. Sounds great, right? Now look 10-15 years into the future. Where are the strippers? Where are the porn stars? I'll tell ya where they are. They're in colleges and healthy relationships because assholes like you don't want the creepy uncles of the world using preteens for the only thing they're good for.

--This hate mail response brought to you by "Jim's House of Pedophilia." Come by Jim's any time this month to get 50% off all brands of lube and do-it-yourself stitching kits. And, as usual, any purchase over $20 gets you a free box of Tear Wipes.

Comments (32) - View Comments - Add A Comment

fuckedinthehead  10/16/07 5:34 pm
More pathetic ramblings from the pseudo intellectual with pretend morals. Just because you feel guilty about letting your 4th grade teacher drill you in the ass like an oil well, do not attempt to force your simple minded fake morality on the rest of us. You suck more than Rob.

Tara  10/16/07 6:15 pm
Eh, I'm siding with the 1st chick. I have 2 kids and find no humor in child molesting. If I caught some fucker touching one of my kids I'd tightness-test his asshole with my elbow. I think we need more horrifyingly disgusting shirts aimed AT the Chester's so we can be entertained at the thought of violating them.

Awan Afuqka  10/16/07 6:35 pm
Ah ha ha ha! In my religion, in Islam, Teacher would say Jane isn't getting any. So pissy poo.

Covert  10/16/07 6:36 pm
Even tho i do not personally engage in pedophilia. most of our Government and Police force do! so while your bashing those who partake in pedophilia, remember that they might be the one's protecting you from people who drive 9 miles or higher over the speed limit.

muy  10/16/07 7:02 pm
reading this does remind you to the thank all the dads in the world that touched their daughters.

Isaac  10/16/07 7:38 pm
I have this shirt & wear it frequently. It's awesome.

Andy Rigoli  10/17/07 12:34 am
No. There's nothing funny about Pedophilia. NOTHING. Stop, please.

Ian  10/17/07 9:10 am
This may be hard to grasp, but pedophilia and a shirt that makes a joke about it are 2 different things. So feel free to pound your chest in all your trailer-park ranting glory about how you'd kill anyone who hurt your kids, that's super, but unless some manner of sci-fi ray gun shoots this shirt thereby giving it life, it matures to over 18 years of age and then crawls up your 5 year old's ass, this shirt isn't committing child abuse.

Obviously it's in poort taste, welcome to T-Shirt Hell ya wingnut. If you don't find it amusing, move along.

US Rep Mark Foley & Fr. Will Utuchme  10/17/07 10:01 am
Hey..nothing wrong with being a pedophile

Iman Azol  10/17/07 10:12 am
As a wingnut, I resent the implication that we don't find pedophilia funny.

Having been to Afghanistan, I can tell you the best part about sex with a 12 year old Afghan girl is that when you're done you can flip her over and it's like sex with a 7 year old Afghan boy. And you know what's hotter than sex with a 7 year old Afghan boy?

NOTHING!

Kerfuffle  10/17/07 10:47 am
I was gonna say rubbing my vagina against a 12 year old Afghan sweater ... but Iman Azol seems to know more about this particular subject.

Hashmeer  10/17/07 1:05 pm
I don't care for that shirt either, but I don't throw a fit about it and jot down my impotent rage in retarded hatemail form for all the world to mock. If you don't like it, don't laugh, and don't buy it. Then, feel free to move on with your life. I don't like the latest abortion shirt, but I'm not going to throw a bitch-fit about it. Freaking morons. Oh, and all you people trying to be pseudo-intellectuals while spelling "ones" as "one's" and "your" as "you're": It's plural, not possessive, dipshits. Do the world a favor and die in a house fire.

NICKO  10/17/07 1:09 pm
I am tighter than a fifth grader and I have the photos to prove it

NICKO  10/17/07 1:16 pm
I would buy this shirt but Tshirt Hell is lame and all the other Tshirts I bought shrank cause they are shit quality

Dr. Dingus  10/17/07 2:27 pm
Hashmeer, what kind of person gives grammar lessons on a website that sells novelty t-shirts? A pretentious cum-gurgling sperm vessel, that’s what, you ball-juggling son of a goat-humping strumpet queen.

Hashmeer  10/17/07 3:26 pm
Way to miss my point, dipshit. Although, I find it hard to believe anything was able to make it over your head with the giant retard-helmet that I'm sure your mommy makes you put on every morning. If you're going to make yourself look stupid, fine. I don't have a problem with bad grammar if all you're saying is "u r stinkee". I expect as much from a moron like that. However, don't act like the person you're insulting is a talking chimp and you're fucking Stephen Hawking when you write like that, you ignorant STD depository.

Dr. Dingus, Physicist  10/17/07 5:31 pm
Yes, Hashqueer, I admit that I strive to emulate Stephen Hawking’s profanity-laden writing style. But while he is a freakish monstrosity, you are a salami-stuffing sperm-gurgler, you pole vaulting Community College sphincter-swabber. Perhaps you should go teach grammar to sexually abused fifth-graders, since the only ones here impressed by your grammatical prowess are semen-swilling ass-clowns. Much like yourself, Captain Pooper the Typing Chimp.

1800 fuck you  10/17/07 6:02 pm
HASHQUEER!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! even thought that wasnt even the best part of what the Dr. was saying I laughed my dick off when i read that! GO DR.! FUCK HASHQUEER!

Streeca  10/17/07 6:22 pm
Subject: Keep pedophilia references ON your site!

I'm referring to the tee that reads, "She's only 13, but hey - I'm not superstitious?" Surely you can make your money without taking down every shirt that doesn't get 938586 orders per minute. I fucking WANT that shirt. (and no, I'm not kidding, and yes, I am a pedophile; besides, I'm also a JEW, so 13 is actually a LUCKY number for me and my 13yo darling). Adult sex jokes are fine. But they won't get you the "Get Randomly Punched In The Maw For Wearing A Fucking Shirt" effect. And that's what TSHell should be all about, no?

Not Jane

P.S.
NICKO, i LOVE it when those shirts do the shrinling trick. Because you know what shrinking does to a shirt? It makes it TIGHT. {reminds me of another great shirt they took down, btw}
Also, with you making such claims, i hope you're ready to put your money {or, rather, your pussy} where your mouth is: I want you and a fifth grader in my office by tomorrow night, so we can test your claim.

mtlhed  10/17/07 6:59 pm
I love this shirt, it cracks me up! What makes me mad is when TS hell discontinues great shirts like this before I have a chance to order one. Two of my all time favorites shirts were, "Is it Pedophilia if the kid is dead?" and "Sisiters are doin' it for themselves". I hate like hell I didn't get either of those. Man, what classics !

they call me Weez  10/18/07 12:52 am
i would comment on the above debate concerning grammar, but i'm too lazy. Go T-Shirt Hell.

(not a pedophile, just statutory)

MplsVala  10/18/07 2:25 am
Oh no. You mean this shirt is about pedophilia? Shit. I thought it was a reminder to adults to be sure to keep up with the kids at drinking.

Someone Who Was Abused  10/18/07 5:31 am
Ok,

Everyone's taking this shirt a little too seriously. As someone who was continously raped and abused listen to me: GET A FUCKING LIFE!!! Of course the shirt pokes fun at pediophilia, not cool. I agree, but if you don't like the shirt, don't fucking wear it! I found it funny because the language is twistedly clever. And really, it asks if you're tighter than a 5th grader...the question (presumably) is being asked to adults! So if the shirt said "are you tighter than a virgin," you shouldn't have a problem with it!

-NOW GO AND GET A FUCKING LIFE!!!

cory  10/18/07 3:12 pm
i was watching nancy grace the other day (i think shes the hottest right wing bitch out there alright?) any how they were doing a story about the guy who raped up some toddler... wait it gets funnier... they were commenting on how the mother took the knobs off the dresser so her kid wouldnt choke on them an then nancy says something along the lines of "tthis mother cared for her child, she even took extra precautions so she wouldnt get a knob in the mouth...." and i then proceeded to laugh untill i pissed myself.

codemon  10/18/07 5:52 pm
^^ HOLY FUCKING CHRIST! A TALKING CERVIX!!! ^^

Kory  10/18/07 5:52 pm
Pedophile didn't even pop into my head really. I figured it could relate to any chick i'd like to fuck. even some i wouldn't...

Winner  10/19/07 12:36 am
Wait, is that tighter than a 5th graders ass or pussy?

kill jigs  10/19/07 3:12 am
kill niggers while fucking little kids????!!! i'll try anything once!

Red  10/19/07 11:39 am
"That would be like becoming a professional athlete and not using your 'Free Rape' coupon. Or becoming a dentist and not teabagging your patients while they're under the gas. I have more, but I'll stop."

Could you add some more in your next newsletter or post them somewhere on your site.
I think they're hilarious.

Thanks for all the glorious slandering you do.

Spike Terricini  10/19/07 1:21 pm
First off to NICKO: Are you sure that the shirts shrank because they are shit quality? Or did they shrink becuase you are just to much of an AIDS-infested afterbirth of a Chinese cluster-fuck to know how to do laundry correctly?

Secondly, this joke is for Jane.
Do you know how to make a 10 year old cry twice in one night?

No? OK, I'll tell ya.
You use her teddy bear to wipe the blood off you dick.

Benskind  10/22/07 3:48 pm
T-Shirt Hell. I love you. One of the only places in the world where i can get a shirt that says the things that i fear saying in public. And who is to say this is promoting child abuse. Those people who do this in the first place, will do this with or without the great ideas here on this website.

Go T-Hell!!!!!!

Ellen J. McCarty  03/21/08 4:24 am
Hey Jane ~ There are pedophiles everywhere in the "real world." My ex-mother-in-law began sexually molesting my daughter at birth, then also began (when my kid was 20 months old) taking her to gynocologists (blaming Preachers, daycare workers and me) so that she could watch them sexually molest her. Damn, I'm glad I didn't live my ex's Momma's life, what happened to her to make her want to fondle and/or watch an infant being fondled? Ewwww. It's not only the dirty old men who live on every street even in suburbia, and it won't go away.... do you know why? Because of people like you who want it all hushed up as if it doesn't exist. I'm glad I'm not your kid, because you pretend it does not happen, and they have no age appropriate skills to avoid or know how to tell that it's wrong. Why not just admit it to yourself and then have a discussion with your kids, letting them know (as if they don't already) that this happens and it is WRONG and how to handle them.
I'm a 45 year old female, but I've been being "hit on" since I was four years old. And your sons are not exempt, just because they are boys...
It WON'T GO AWAY JUST BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE TO IGNORE IT.
Just think... even if only one or two pedophiles are as reviled as you (which begs the question, are you one?)it will be well worth it.
Sincerely,
My give a damn broke a long time ago, but give me the fucking truth.
Ellen J. McCarty


division of labor

-----Original Message-----

From: Eleni D.
Sent: Thursday, October 11, 2007
Subject: Complaint About Your T-Shirt Idea

Oops I shaved it again?Hello. While viewing your t-shirts and preparing to buy at least ten of them, I saw a t-shirt on your website that made me sick to my stomach. The one t-shirt that says, "My dick cures cancer. It's a shame I won't fuck a bald chick" is the most herendous thing I have ever seen. You should be ashamed to put this on your website and I am sure you lose many customers after they see it.

That is absolutely disgusting and extremely offensive to those that have cancer or know someone that has cancer. How would you feel if someone you knew had cancer and you saw someone wearing that shirt? You would probably beat the hell out of them. I am absolutely appalled and cannot believe the nerve of you people. I just thought you should know.

Eleni D.

Editor's Note: No, I wouldn't beat the hell out of anyone. I have people do that for me. Sure, once the hell is sufficiently beaten out of someone I'll spit on them or write "Thundercunt" on their forehead in permanent marker, but I'm not about to get my hands dirty with the initial beating.

And don't jump to conclusions. It so happens that everyone I know has cancer. I make sure of it. It makes me feel better about myself. If I have a bad day at work or Jesus hasn't satisfactorily tossed my salad, it's comforting to look over at my bald, cancer-ridden buddy. "Damn it, my rent just went up. What's that, guy with cancer? It hurts to breathe? Oh, guy with cancer, you always know what to say!"

Despite that, I feel great when I see someone wearing that shirt. And it's not just because it means more money for our company. It's also because...no, it's just the money. Goodbye Eleni. God cancer you.

Comments (38) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Tittysprinkles  10/16/07 5:36 pm
"I am sure you lose many customers after they see it."

Apparently she's forgotten what website she clicked on.

manther  10/16/07 5:44 pm
eleni was going to buy 10 shirts and then saw 1 that offended her and didn't buy any?! really? does she also do that at the grocery store? she goes in to buy carrots and also sees they sell condoms and lube. does she leave and not buy anything? does she only buy things from places that sell things that she 100% agrees with? does she never rent movies from the local video store because they also sell porn?

the easily offended need to migrate to canada or england or some such other useless place.

what a dumbfuck!

Zombie Jesus  10/16/07 6:13 pm
thundercunt LMAO

FooFooLamarr  10/16/07 6:38 pm
You and Britney need to learn to spell.

Merc  10/16/07 8:08 pm
I love how people have no problem buying 10 offensive shirts, but then they find the one that they don't agree with and get all offended. What a bunch of hypocrites.

p.s. Canada doesn't want the "easily offended", you can keep them

Peyers Basement  10/17/07 12:04 am
HAHA love the shirt but when you see a shirt you dont like you dont laugh at that one you move on and laugh at the others they are fuckin hilarious

MotoRacR1  10/17/07 12:43 am
That's funny, I was absolutely appalled with your site UNTIL I saw the 'Cancer' shirt in question. It is the ONLY reason I am still a loyal customer!!!

WTFEver  10/17/07 3:17 am
My dad died of cancer. it was a very difficult, draining experience. But, humor is humor. I own this shirt. Someone bought it for me two months after he died, and I wear it proudly

Mai Coksolong  10/17/07 8:10 am
forget this shirt....I wanna see the I eat more pussy than cervical cancer one come back...I was going to buy it for a friend of mine who is both lesbian...and has cervical cancer....she loved the idea....but no...you had to kill it...

Brad  10/17/07 9:47 am
I'm pretty sure that there is at least one T for each of us on this site that offends. Hell, there are tons on here that offend me. The beauty part is that you can take it and move on. Since when did humanity become the whiney bitch in 8th grade that everybody picked on? Since when did having your feelings hurt become such a terrible thing? Damn, suck it up and at least ACT like you have a pair. You can cry in your pillow later when nobody is looking.

Bill Clinton's Penis  10/17/07 10:05 am
hey, how about a shirt that says "Fuck Me, I Got Cancer"?

Iman Azol  10/17/07 10:16 am
WTFEver: If you'd fucked your dad when he had cancer, he might still be with us.

SexNinja  10/17/07 10:39 am
It just amuses me that not only is that probably the 15th shirt she's found to be offensive, but she keeps coming back to the site. You know what sweetheart? Pick one. If you like these t-shirts and they make you smile and giggle like a 5th grader inside, and then your fake sense of religion comes in and you say to yourself "oh God oh Jesus i'm as horrible as they are. I need to make myself feel better, I'll post a comment about how wrong they are!"

F-in grow up, you disgusting religion-whore. It's called t-shirt HELL for a reason you cock-smoking fuckbag! Go back to Salt Lake City!

Khemnis  10/17/07 10:54 am
THUNDER...THUNDER....THUNDERCUNTS!!! HOOOOOO!!!!!!!

That was a great cartoon. I always wanted to be Cheetara and even though I was around 5 years old I was oddly turned on by Lion-o.

Kerfuffle  10/17/07 10:57 am
Eleni could have indeed originate from Salt Lake City, but with a name like that and the fact that this thick headed bitches light bulbs been out for her entire existence I'm willing to bet she's a Brother Dan fucking Omelet from the hillsides of Pennsylvania. Good try though, good try.

ron moore  10/17/07 11:24 am
i just HAVE to say that my sister died of cancer last halloween and before that i actually showed her that shirt and she laughed her ass off,.. what does all this mean YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF FUCKIN HUMOR,... thanks

Codemon  10/17/07 1:35 pm
Ron Moore dude: Your sister's ass was in such a good mood because I had fucked the shit out of her the night before. You just have to view stuff in the proper context sometimes.

Furry Man Nipples  10/17/07 1:39 pm
Odd, I've had cancer, been bald, and I still love the hell outa that shirt. I even have the "I beat cancer (and by cancer I mean children)" shirt. First chance I get I'm buying that shirt.

And giving it to this stupid cunt.

What about a "Fuck me and get cancer" shirt?

UNT gurlie  10/17/07 1:41 pm
This shirt in particular was painfully funny! I have cancer run in the family and I think this one is brilliant, just like all of the other t-shirts. The name of the site, last time i checked, was t-shirt HELL! I support single moms!

b  10/17/07 2:06 pm
Heh. You know, I sent a link to the Chemo-sabe shirt to my cancer email list. I warned them that if they wandered to the rest of the site they'd find offensive things. I don't remember anyone complaining about the rest of the site, and at least a few people loved the Chemo-sabe shirt and wanted to wear it to their next treatment. So you made some cancer patients happy to balance out the ones you offended.

christina  10/17/07 4:14 pm
every shirt is offensive to someone. quite being such a pansy.

Rev. Thomas Heat  10/17/07 4:35 pm
Gees, "Thundercunt" turns out to be a great band name...

Zarick  10/17/07 4:50 pm
According to this, the shirt is correct so quit your bitching.

http://www.tatom.org/documents/CNN.com-StudyNewstudyshows.htm

1800 fuck you  10/17/07 5:51 pm
the band is called "Alabama Thunder Pussy" for anyone who thought it was a good band name. its been taken.

Panthro  10/17/07 6:53 pm
Khemnis, i believe the real question here is: Are YOU tighter than WilyKit? ;=D
But seriously, i feel ya. When i was around 8-10 and the show was on, i was totally turned on by WK, and i wanted to be Panthro. I sometimes even talk with my "Thundercat Accent", it's when you pronounce every word verrrry clearly and far apart, and overdo all the tones, so that even a 3yo with brain-cancer can understand what you're saying and how you're saying it.
HOOOOOOOOOO!

Eleni's Cancerous Cervix  10/18/07 12:57 pm
Eleni,
The rest of your body and I have agreed that I'm taking over. I've decided that you're too fucking stupid to shop here. Step away from the keyboard, or I swear on Uncle Pablo's penis that I'll pour my bloody clots all over the floor.

Codemon  10/18/07 5:58 pm
^^ HOLY FUCKING CHRIST! A TALKING CERVIX!!! ^^

Bitch  10/18/07 7:51 pm
Wow,if that cancer shirt was the most herrendous thing she have ever seen,I wonder if the "Are you tighter than a 5th grader?", was #1 in her 10 she was going to buy before she saw the big bad cancer one.
I think that answers as many questions as it raises.

IHopeEleniGetsCancer  10/18/07 8:14 pm
You know, three of my grandparents died of cancer and I think that that shirt is beyond hilarious. I would wear it once--no, twice-- a week. I swear. On top of that, I hate people like Eleni. People like Eleni are the reason that they don't sell "Hitler: Love 'im or hate 'im, he killed a ton of Jews" and "Music in A Minor" or even classics like "I swear I didn't know she was three." I thank my lucky stars that I got my copy of "I like my women like I like my coffe--Ground up and in the freezer" while I still could. Thank, Eleni. You ruined it for everyone. You should be ashamed.

Drail9  10/19/07 2:17 am
*sigh* ya know Eleni i hate people like u because u deny me the chance of a cheap laugh.

kill jigs  10/19/07 3:15 am
didnt we do this one last month?? i cant remember, ive killed a lot of niggers since then

duf  10/19/07 4:51 am
I would sooo buy a Thundercunts shirt.

Nate  10/19/07 7:57 am
Where did everyone's sense of humor go? You can never take comedy too far, I haven't seen a single shirt on you site that didn't make me laugh. Keep up the good work.

Red  10/19/07 11:59 am
My grandfather and my mother have both had sun cancer and my grand father died from it. I got a third-degree sunburn this summer and have accepted the fact that one day I to will have sun cancer.

Don't take everything they say so personally. It's just a shirt. If you don't like it. Who cares!

Ok I take it back it's not just a shirt. They're awesome. (mostly)

Drew  10/20/07 2:22 am
Fuck em' all, I love every god damn one of your fucked up shirts. Shit, you should see my wish list. I've got ma buying the "Slavery, gets shit done" one. Good thing I live in Utah where there's no Niff a Nerrs.

Teena Marie  10/22/07 4:44 am
OH T-Shirt Hell how I love you =)

codemon  10/22/07 12:23 pm
Sun cancer? that ain't shit! I know of a guy named Rudy Jewliani who had moon cancer, but some ppl call it ass cancer!!!

Lora  11/01/07 11:18 pm
UH? T-Shirt Hell?! Do people not realize a site called T-Shirt Hell most likely wont bet pleasant?


does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Message-----

From: manuel r.
Sent: Saturday, October 13, 2007
Subject: NEW T-SHIRT

GET ONE THAT SAYS HOW FUCKING RACIST AND IGNORANT YOUR LITTLE FUCKING BUSINESS IS.

Editor's Note: Doesn't that kind of go without saying? While you're at it, go ahead and ask us to add a shirt that says "Oral sex is awesome" or "Midgets are the result of unanswered prayers." There are certain truths that suggest themselves.

Or maybe I misunderstood you. Perhaps you'd like to know how racist and ignorant we are, like on a scale of 1-10. Well, on the racism scale - 1 being "I tell racist jokes under my breath in bars" and 10 being "Holy Lord, where did you get enough Jew-skulls to make that chandelier?" - I'd say we're about an 8. That means I kill old Asian people with garden tools, but I don't enjoy it.

IgnoramiiConcerning our ignorance, I don't think a lot of people know what that word actually means. People carelessly toss around the word "ignorant" the same way I toss around "Shatner-taint" without ever giving much consideration to what they're saying. It's a buzzword for people that like to feel morally superior to others.

Ignorant means uninformed or uneducated, so people that want to believe they're more informed or intelligent than others use it as their all-purpose word to replace homophobic, racist, misogynistic or any other negative word. It's not enough to be a better person. They also need to feel smarter. Sorry to burst your bubble, but my hate does not come from a place of misinformation or lack of knowledge. It comes from the dark place in my soul that's filled with, if anything, too much knowledge.

Anyway, when you come right down to it, there are really only two groups of people: people who have a sense of humor and people who don't. Oh, and Mexicans.

Comments (38) - View Comments - Add A Comment

fuckedinthehead  10/16/07 5:37 pm
I'm glad to see manuel finally got a simplistic grasp on the english language. After your done washing the dishes or mowing the lawn, go get a sense of humor.

Bearded Clam  10/16/07 6:15 pm
I almost pissed myself when I read "Holy Lord, where did you get enough Jew-skulls to make that chandelier?" fucking priceless

FooFooLamarr  10/16/07 6:42 pm
manuel Labor wrote:

GET ONE THAT SAYS HOW FUCKING RACIST AND IGNORANT YOUR LITTLE FUCKING BUSINESS IS.

Hey, why not? Yet another unsolicited business idea. You might be able to retire in St. Vincent after this one.

J  10/16/07 6:57 pm
"Ignorant means uninformed or uneducated, so people that want to believe..."

I think what the author means to say is "people who want to believe..."

Nice irony in the middle of a paragraph on ignorance.

Modern  10/16/07 8:59 pm
I spit out my drink @ "Midgets are the result of unanswered prayers. "

Cookiemon  10/17/07 5:10 am
That's fucking excellent. At least I now know that I am not the only person that kills old asian people with garden tools, but also feels bad about it. By the way, does anyone have a web address for a Jew Skull Chandelier?

Suk Maicok  10/17/07 8:13 am
mexicans are people?....shit

Ronald Reagan's cancerous colon tymor  10/17/07 10:08 am
I'D love to see a shirt that says "ANN COULTER IS A FUCKING CUNT!"

Iman Azol  10/17/07 10:19 am
What kind of racist insists on Jew skulls for a chandelier? Aren't Mexican, Honky, Arab or Nigger skulls good enough?

april_night  10/17/07 10:33 am
My dark soul is filled with M and M's. And blood.

dug  10/17/07 10:38 am
nice Iman atleast someone read and had an original thought ps if you find a store for em let me know i will take one of each

BiteMeVeryMuch  10/17/07 10:39 am
J has a point re "that" vs. "who", but I am still impressed that a nigger bitch can not only discourse intelligently on a wide variety of subjects, but can even be amusing at times. Just goes to show you the scope of the bell curve, doesn't it?

NICKO  10/17/07 1:04 pm
Its not male pattern baldness its the fucking chemo cunts...

NICKO  10/17/07 1:06 pm
I died from cancer and was buried in this shirt cunts..

Hashmeer  10/17/07 1:15 pm
God I love Ann Coulter. She reminds me a lot of this company. She loves pissing off morons and laughing at other peoples' stupidity. <3

Codemon  10/17/07 1:21 pm
Hey Cookiemon: I killed an old Asian person with a rock once and I must admit I like it a little bit. So why doesn't anybody follow my fine example and retroactively abort Ann KKKolter?

Diana  10/17/07 2:34 pm
"Sorry to burst your bubble, but my hate does not come from a place of misinformation or lack of knowledge. It comes from the dark place in my soul that's filled with, if anything, too much knowledge."

I'm stealing this. Thanks.

Mike  10/17/07 3:27 pm
shatner-taint...ha ha!! that's brilliant

Shawn Pena  10/17/07 3:47 pm
I was wondering if ou would give me at-shirt if I touched your vagina?

T nub  10/17/07 5:56 pm
8==========D Suck that manuel. fuckin SPICK WETBACK TACO EATING MOTHER FCUKER!

Tony  10/17/07 5:58 pm
This is excellent...…”my hate does not come from a place of misinformation or lack of knowledge. It comes from the dark place in my soul that's filled with, if anything, too much knowledge.”

jersey dawg  10/17/07 6:44 pm
You guys are GODS! Fuck all those bitchy ass people! Pussies.

Lush-us Chick  10/17/07 9:49 pm
I want a shirt that says "Ann Coulter is a big cunt-faced douchebag." But, that is an insult to all the respectable cunts and douchebags in the world, so maybe not.

Mark Crowder  10/17/07 11:49 pm
I think your shirts are sick, twisted, racist, vulgar, and down right fucked up. That's why I buy them all of the time. It's obvious you have a sense of humor no matter how twisted. Why the hell are you people writing this hate mail to the company. If you don't like it, don't look. Just stay the fuck away. I have friends with cancer and other things made fun of on this site. I am not a racist but the shirts are funny for the most part. Laughter is the key to happiness. If you're a little twisted and hate tight ass people that go to sites like this just to be a bitch, buy a shirt, wear it proud, and be happy. Thanks for having the balls to share your screwed up brain with us. To the rest of you assholes that want to bitch about something just to have something to bitch about, may someone shove a cock so far down your throat, you lose the ability to talk and type. Maybe it'll fuck your brain up too much to vote for Hillary.
It was great to fuck your mothers last night. Even the dead ones. Just shut up people and let the people that want the shirts not have to listen to your liberal bullshit.

Cloud  10/18/07 11:52 am
I'm sitting in my early brit. lit. class and I just wanted to say thank you for making an hour and 15 minutes go by like lighting! You are awesome.

Doug A.  10/18/07 12:03 pm
Just wanted to say thank you for fabulous replies to all the comments and even more fabulous t-shirts. I've been a customer for 3 years now. Keep up the good work!

cumofsumyunguy  10/18/07 2:18 pm
Sounds like Mark Chowderhead needs a friend. Since Mark buys all these shirts,I feel he needs a special one for just him like, let's say "I sucked Ann Coulter's Dick and swallowed to avoid breast cancer", or "Yes Ann Coulter did I blow, cause the Bible told me so". Mark, if TS Hell didn't receive hate mail (or have redneck fuck nuts like you writing in ), who could we try out our material on? Bush and all the other right-wing zombies, yourself not included, are too busy bending us over and killing innocent people of color to pay attention to anyone. So Mark, just just go back to your Mom's basement and pray to Mark Foley that the Repulicunts can save your sorry ass next time an impotent closet cum guzzler takes office.

supernintendochalmers  10/18/07 5:34 pm
To the bitch that suggested "GET ONE THAT SAYS HOW FUCKING RACIST AND IGNORANT YOUR LITTLE FUCKING BUSINESS IS." Would you please kill yourself? Just remember to get your whole head in front of the shotgun... thanks!!!

DICK-hed  10/18/07 5:42 pm
fucking hilarious dude.......how about one that says "GROW SOME FUCKING SKIN NANCY!

Dr. Dingle, Aryan Behemoth  10/18/07 5:47 pm
"People of color", Sonofyungcumsukingguy? Holy Fucking Niggers! Did the NAACfuckingP raid this website or is it just that you are a hook nosed inner-tube lipped dirt worshipping bean-shitter? "INNOCENT people of color"?! That's like saying "innocent nigger" or "really tall midget", poopherder.

One Jew Skull Short  10/18/07 6:34 pm
http://journals.worldnomads.com/smartin1978/gallery/429/7646.aspx

jeremy  10/18/07 7:21 pm
I've been reading this site for about 2 years, and this is the funniest, most well-written retort ever...jew skulls...holy fuck that's funny.

sarah  10/18/07 7:27 pm
YOU FUCKWADD...my best friend is black and she owns the "Slavery Gets Shit Done" t shirt...if you don't like it....DON'T COME TO THE FUCKING WEBSITE

Bitch  10/18/07 8:00 pm
Apparently in Mexico,they can only type in caps.
Either that or he got taco sauce in the keyboard.

kill jigs  10/19/07 3:17 am
NIGGER. need i say more??

jenn  10/24/07 11:45 pm
i actually would really like to see a "midgets are the result of answered prayers...." :) i love midgets. they're fun.

Lora  11/01/07 11:22 pm
What is misogynistic?

Antonia  11/21/07 1:07 pm
I would like a shirt that says: when all else fails get F.E.A.R. Fuck Everyting/Everyone And Run.


divided we fall

The End - Stay Tuned to Find Out Who the Key Grip Was

A picture's worth a thousand words. On a related note, my website contains over 100,000 words about my vagina.

Peace

digg   Digg it   delicious   Del.icio.us   reddit   Reddit   stumble   Stumble it

 

next


 
Copyright