Halle Berry recently announced that she was pregnant. I'm sorry, Halle. I had no idea my fingers could do that.
After admitting to using performance-enhancing drugs, track star Marion Jones has returned the 5 medals she won at the Sydney Olympics. Jones deeply regrets her poor judgment and wishes to apologize from the bottom of her hairy balls.
Five students in a Cleveland high school were recently injured during yet another school shooting. Jesus, as if living in Cleveland wasn't bad enough. The only thing worse than that would be living in Oklahoma and getting raped with a broken mop handle.
The 2007 Nobel prizes were awarded last week. The recipients are as follows: Ed Asner for archery, Dr. J for his vegetarian casserole, and Larry King for shooting lasers out of his nipples. Okay, I made those up, but believe me when I say those are 8 zillion times more interesting than the actual winners. Some German guy figured out a way to make hard drives smaller, some Asian invented transparent pizza, blah blah blah. Call me when you invent a shopping cart that doesn't wobble. Am I right, people?
Britney Spears' record label has decided to move up the release date of her new album to October 30. Mark your calendars and prepare to fight the mobs so you can purchase what is sure to be a timeless masterpiece. Or, for the same price of the album, you can pay Britney to clean your asshole with her tongue. Unless you're good at haggling. I talked her down to a can of Michelob Lite and half a Ho-Ho. You can't tell me she lip-synchs.
Our new shirts have arrived, still naked and screaming. Like me in a Denny's. And I needn't remind you that Halloween is rapidly approaching, so be sure to buy at least 20-50 of these new tees, depending on how many trick-or-treaters you're expecting.
This latest batch is all about conflict. Whether you want that tool to know what the world really thinks of his "body art" or you just want to trade your hate for some waitress saliva, we've got the shirt for you. And if you aren't down (syndrome) with that, we've got some other shirts that are guaranteed to get you laid.* - *Guarantee void if you're ugly.
All of our new shirts are here:
The internet runs our lives. Other lessons from Professor Obvious: Cookies are delicious and Asians sound funny. I'm not going to tell you that humanity has become a slave to the machine. Writers and philosophers have told us that we would ultimately become technology's bitch since decades before the internet even existed. I'm not here to make the same point they've already made while using terms like 'cumbreath' and 'queef-for-brains' instead of terms like 'dystopian' and 'neonate.'
Furthermore, I'm also not going to preach about how we can strike back against the electronic overlord or even suggest that it's a bad thing. I would simply like to encourage everyone to allow the system to finish the job. That's right, I'm talking full submission. We've done a great job of it so far. We shop and pay bills online, we get our entertainment online, we even meet friends and sexual partners online. Oh, and I heard it has porn.
But while we have more or less handed over the reins, there are still some things that humans do for themselves. And I'm not just talking about nun-fisting. Now I'm no sciencematician...I don't know how we'll become 100% dependent on machines. Maybe I'll ask a machine to tell me. In the meantime, here are a few things we still do on our own. Hopefully we can figure out how to stop doing them and finally realize the dream of making ourselves obsolete.
Finding a beard
There's no shortage of matchmaking services online, but they were all designed with romantic pairings in mind. What about all the gay men who have the decency to hide their sexuality from the world? Don't they deserve what they will pretend is love? With beardfinder.com, closeted men the world over will be able to find the perfect beard to fool family, friends, potential employers, anyone of voting age in their district and, most importantly, themselves.
Sure, you can get directions to the nearest Planned Parenthood online, but there's no internet service that will allow you to do away with the miracle inside of you while remaining in the comfort of your home. Abortionhut.com will be devoted to exactly that. We'll have a list of detailed do-it-yourself instructions, or we can just send a "licensed" abortion doctor to your home. We'll even send some hate-filled Christian protestors to your home so you can enjoy the full experience.
I think it goes without saying that we'd all like to martyr ourselves, but in this work-a-day world of ours, who has the time? At martyrstartyr.com we'll handle all the details, allowing you to live the small remainder of your life uninterrupted. When the time comes, all you'll have to do is get in the car and the driver will take you to the bus station/busy shopping center of your choice. Happy exploding!
Get knocked up
As previously mentioned, there are numerous ways to meet a mate online, but no sites dedicated to ruining your life for the one second you get drunk and let your guard down. Thanks to sweetjesusiruinedmylifeforthirtyminutesofmeaninglessfun.com, now you can. Just fill out the information screen, start doing shot after shot of cheap whiskey, and just as you feel it kicking in, click "OK." A guy that works 20 hours a week for Best Buy will be there in no time.
It's fine to eliminate all the day-to-day tasks of the general population, but what about all the unique things that make you you? That's where avoidliving.com comes in. Simply enter in any unusual activities you perform and a man with a webcam will do it for you, allowing you to avoid an experience. Whether you're into drowning cats or throwing expired meat products at street performers, avoidliving.com is there for you...so you don't have to be.
There you have it. Just a few more tasks for us to hand over to our metal masters (no, not Slayer). My vision of the future plays out something like The Matrix. Except this won't end with an awesome, slo-mo kung-fu battle. Instead, we will fade gently into that good night, perfectly content and fully aware that we're forever trapped in our gooey cocoon.
You can call this irony or satire, but the honest truth is that I have embraced the inevitable. Besides, maybe becoming an extension of machines is just the next step in our evolution. I'm sorry, I meant the next step in our intelligent design. Mankind has repeatedly resisted change. And just as often has he failed.
Sure, all these advancements have left us dead inside and insignificant, but the important thing is that we're becoming better...by someone's definition. So sit back and let the plug slide into the back of your head. Because the best way to get through life is to have something else live it for you.
Comments (24) - View Comments - Add A Comment
Sent: Monday, October 08, 2007
Subject: What the hell?
Man, You suck. You know why? I'll tell you why. Because I've submitted so many great ideas to your website and you have never once used any of them. Yet, you put up these new shirts and most of them suck balls.
Also, I have been friends with you on Myspace for so fucking long and I never win anything. What kind of crap is that. How do you pick your winners? You must pick them at random or something, because you certainly didn't pick them in order of how long they have been supporting T-Shirt hell. Even my retarded great aunt knows that sweepstakes are not created to be fair. Fuck it.
Editor's Note: So your great-aunt (who is apparently retarded) has figured it out, yet you still can't manage to wrap your God-damaged brain around it? If you people start being honest about your intelligence you're going to render me unnecessary. Not that my racist, church-burning robot hasn't already done that.
Anyway, you REALLY want to know how we pick the winners? Fine, I'll tell you. We do it based on who is least douchey. And I'm sorry to say that you're at the bottom of the list. We were getting ready to move you up one spot, right above the genetically engineered baby of James Blunt and Justin Timberlake, but then we received this email, and you quickly regained your title of "Supreme King and High Master of the Douches." Congrats.
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From: Jauer*** @ ***.com
Sent: Monday, October 08, 2007
Subject: Keep pedophilia references off your site!
I'm referring to the tee that reads, "Are you tighter than a 5th grader?" Surely you can make your money without overtly referencing or seeming to promote pedophilia (and no, I'm not kidding, and yes, I have a sense of humor). Adult sex jokes are fine. Keep kids out of it.
Editor's Note: Of course we could make money without promoting pedophilia, but why would anyone want to? That would be like becoming a professional athlete and not using your 'Free Rape' coupon. Or becoming a dentist and not teabagging your patients while they're under the gas. I have more, but I'll stop.
Aside from the instant gratification that pedophilia provides, it's also important to our future. Let's assume we put an end to pedophilia right now. Sounds great, right? Now look 10-15 years into the future. Where are the strippers? Where are the porn stars? I'll tell ya where they are. They're in colleges and healthy relationships because assholes like you don't want the creepy uncles of the world using preteens for the only thing they're good for.
--This hate mail response brought to you by "Jim's House of Pedophilia." Come by Jim's any time this month to get 50% off all brands of lube and do-it-yourself stitching kits. And, as usual, any purchase over $20 gets you a free box of Tear Wipes.
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From: Eleni D.
Sent: Thursday, October 11, 2007
Subject: Complaint About Your T-Shirt Idea
Hello. While viewing your t-shirts and preparing to buy at least ten of them, I saw a t-shirt on your website that made me sick to my stomach. The one t-shirt that says, "My dick cures cancer. It's a shame I won't fuck a bald chick" is the most herendous thing I have ever seen. You should be ashamed to put this on your website and I am sure you lose many customers after they see it.
That is absolutely disgusting and extremely offensive to those that have cancer or know someone that has cancer. How would you feel if someone you knew had cancer and you saw someone wearing that shirt? You would probably beat the hell out of them. I am absolutely appalled and cannot believe the nerve of you people. I just thought you should know.
Editor's Note: No, I wouldn't beat the hell out of anyone. I have people do that for me. Sure, once the hell is sufficiently beaten out of someone I'll spit on them or write "Thundercunt" on their forehead in permanent marker, but I'm not about to get my hands dirty with the initial beating.
And don't jump to conclusions. It so happens that everyone I know has cancer. I make sure of it. It makes me feel better about myself. If I have a bad day at work or Jesus hasn't satisfactorily tossed my salad, it's comforting to look over at my bald, cancer-ridden buddy. "Damn it, my rent just went up. What's that, guy with cancer? It hurts to breathe? Oh, guy with cancer, you always know what to say!"
Despite that, I feel great when I see someone wearing that shirt. And it's not just because it means more money for our company. It's also because...no, it's just the money. Goodbye Eleni. God cancer you.
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From: manuel r.
Sent: Saturday, October 13, 2007
Subject: NEW T-SHIRT
GET ONE THAT SAYS HOW FUCKING RACIST AND IGNORANT YOUR LITTLE FUCKING BUSINESS IS.
Editor's Note: Doesn't that kind of go without saying? While you're at it, go ahead and ask us to add a shirt that says "Oral sex is awesome" or "Midgets are the result of unanswered prayers." There are certain truths that suggest themselves.
Or maybe I misunderstood you. Perhaps you'd like to know how racist and ignorant we are, like on a scale of 1-10. Well, on the racism scale - 1 being "I tell racist jokes under my breath in bars" and 10 being "Holy Lord, where did you get enough Jew-skulls to make that chandelier?" - I'd say we're about an 8. That means I kill old Asian people with garden tools, but I don't enjoy it.
Concerning our ignorance, I don't think a lot of people know what that word actually means. People carelessly toss around the word "ignorant" the same way I toss around "Shatner-taint" without ever giving much consideration to what they're saying. It's a buzzword for people that like to feel morally superior to others.
Ignorant means uninformed or uneducated, so people that want to believe they're more informed or intelligent than others use it as their all-purpose word to replace homophobic, racist, misogynistic or any other negative word. It's not enough to be a better person. They also need to feel smarter. Sorry to burst your bubble, but my hate does not come from a place of misinformation or lack of knowledge. It comes from the dark place in my soul that's filled with, if anything, too much knowledge.
Anyway, when you come right down to it, there are really only two groups of people: people who have a sense of humor and people who don't. Oh, and Mexicans.
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The End - Stay Tuned to Find Out Who the Key Grip Was
A picture's worth a thousand words. On a related note, my website contains over 100,000 words about my vagina.