I can't remember the last time the future seemed so bright, or a time when tomorrow seemed so full of possibilities. That is why we have rolled out a new section called Happy Shirts! They are just $15 each and there are 36 new designs to let you tell the world how you feel about society, the economy, or just about how great life is in general.
Now that you've lost your house, and you can't afford to put gas in your car, or feed your kids; isn't it nice to know that T-Shirt Hell still has your back? Remember, laughter is the best medicine. At least among the options covered by your health plan. I'm just kidding! You don't have a health plan you fucking loser. So, take that noose from around your neck, and hop down off that chair and take a look at our Happy Shirts! If they don't make you smile, then they don't make you smile and there's not a whole lot I can do about that.
Fortunately, I don't care.
Former First Lady Nancy Reagan was recently hospitalized with a broken pelvis. On a related note, I cannot fit my head in Nancy Reagan's vagina.
The World Series is all set as the Tampa Bay Rays face off against the Philadelphia Phillies. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... I'm sorry. My computer fell asleep when it realized I couldn't turn that into a cock joke.
The NFL has suspended "Pacman" Jones for four games following a scuffle with one of his bodyguards. As if the four game suspension wasn't harsh enough, the NFL also stated that Jones was allowed no secret rapes for at least six months.
John McCain and Barack Obama faced off in their final debate last week. And the winner is...TALKING POINTS! I totally called this one, like, two years ago. You owe me 50 bucks, Morty.
Madonna and director Guy Ritchie have officially split up. So, in addition to relevance and the public's interest, you can now add "British dude"to the list of things Madonna can't hold on to. Madonna gave Ritchie one last chance to save the marriage, but she totally kicked his ass in that arm-wrestling match. On a related note, I can fit 3/4 of my head in Madonna's vagina- of course that's if I go in feet first.
Sarah Palin appeared on Saturday Night Live to show the world that she "gets it" and that she's "in on the joke" and that she's "not quite as smart as Trig because Sarah honey, in spite of your best effort they were still not laughing with you." Then Mark Wahlberg bent Sarah Palin over the Weekend Update desk and pounded her like an old bass drum. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin went down on Amy Poehler until her water broke and she spontaneously gave birth showering Palin in afterbirth. Then Seth Meyers fucked the baby. Wait, that might have been on Meet the Press.
The economy is currently struggling to recover from its worst collapse in decades, and, try as I might; I can't find a way to blame the Jews. But that's okay, because even as our mighty Western financial system lies in ruins, we are on the cusp of the American everything to excess season.
And what fun would excess be without gluttony? Beginning with Halloween and extending through Christmas, it is the perfect time to gorge yourself on all manner of frosted/glazed/stuffed crap and spur on type 2 diabetes and hypertension. After all, there's nothing like losing a foot and struggling to breathe to get your mind off your repossessed home.
Anyway, to help you through this economic crunch, I would like to offer you some tips on how to save money this Halloween. And, no, masturbation isn't on the list.
#1 - Have years of being a douche made you the target of scorn and derision from neighborhood children? Well don't cry about it, you fucking douche. Use it to your advantage. Do your best to salvage the shaving cream, toilet paper and eggs that will no doubt adorn your house and lawn on Halloween night.
#2 - Snatch trick-or-treaters and hold them for ransom. [Note: Send a finger to the parents to show them you're serious. Also, make sure they have money. You can usually tell by the quality of the child's costume. Avoid kids with homemade or out of date costumes. Generic cowboy, Heathcliff, etc.]
#3 - Set up a haunted house and charge kids to enter. Remember to set up a "No Refunds" sign so the kids can't demand their money back when they realize the haunted house is nothing more than your Cousin Phil exposing himself in the basement.
#4 - Your kids are expensive, but how do you get rid of them without going to prison? Never fear, Halloween provides the perfect opportunity. Simply feed them arsenic and claim some neighborhood psycho poisoned their Halloween candy. [Note: Will only work if you're white.]
#5 - Like many others, you may have a boy who wants to go as the Joker this Halloween. Instead of wasting all that time and money on makeup, hair coloring and a fancy purple suit, put him in tattered rags and have him go as present-day Heath Ledger. If you have a girl, she can tag along as "skinny chick who tries to call the cops but then freaks out and flees the scene."
#6 - Just pretend to be religious this Halloween and hand out pamphlets the church gives you for free. Those assholes always get away with cheapskate shit.
#7 - With the dollar in the shape it's in, just pass out dollar bills this year. At the current rate, that's good for about one M & M or two Chiclets.
#8 - Remember that you're bigger than a bunch of six-year-olds. When they come by your house, you can easily take their candy and use it to provide meals for your family in the coming weeks. Come on, you know your kids would love Snickers-loaf and Skittles salad.
#9 - You want to hand out candy, but in these troubled times you simply can't afford the highest quality treats. Well there's no shame in handing out bargain brand candy. Can't afford Milky Ways? Hand out Candy Corn. Can't afford Hershey bars? Hand out old paperclips. Can't afford Butterfingers? Just shit in your hand and throw it at those little fuckers.
#10 - It's easy enough to cut corners when decorating for Halloween. You don't need that motion-activated dancing skeleton from Target. Just grab your shovel and head for the local cemetery for a virtually unlimited supply of bones. Or you can just hire a black guy to stand on your lawn. Talk about scary!
Comments (2) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Joe J.
You are a disgusting POS. Sarah Palin and her baby have more brains than will ever have. Senator McCain has more honor than any of you leftists.
Editor's Note: You think a politician has honor? Fucking please. They make you check that shit at the door as soon as you enter Washington. This is the problem with politics. The guy in Party A paints the "opponent" as some debaucherous super villain just to distract you from the fact that he or she is equally awful. You think Obama is a manipulative, spineless tool? Well, you're right. But to suggest McCain is some warrior of virtue just because he's in the Grand Old Party is embarrassingly naive.
The only time a politician is telling the truth is when they're calling a different politician a liar. And even then they're omitting the truth that they themselves are liars. We've had this government well over two centuries. How much longer does it have to be in place before you morons realize you're being lied to? Not only at certain times and by certain politicians, but by all of them at all times. When a politician in your party is proven to be a liar, as they all inevitably are, they are not the exception. They are the fucking rule.
As far as Sarah Palin and her baby having more brains than me, well, I don't doubt that for a second. The thing is, my brain, while not equal in quantity, actually functions properly. I'd take two ounces of my brain over eight dump trucks loaded with Sarah Palin's brains, not to mention the gooey mass of matter that resides in the soft skull of her already fully mentally developed spawn.
Comments (1) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: James L. C.
Your new shirts make me wonder...why don't you just make a shirt with Obama balls deep in your mouth, and express yourselves honestly? He couldn't be an easier target & you've got shit. After 147 days working at McDonalds he may have worked his way up to burger flipper from toilet scrubber. His Kenyan birth would appear to not even make him a legally qualified candidate for the Senate, much less President. Oh, and by the way, he is still unable to get clear on the whole pledge loyalty thing.
What the fuck is up w/ you guys. Irreverent is great. Just make sure you shit on everybody and quit passing up easy shots that people want to express. The gag reflex is already working overtime everytime I watch the national "news journalists" fall on their knees & take Obama in their mouths. We really don't need it from you too. Any jerk can buy a heat press and a printer. Don't inspire me to print my own shit. I've got better things to do.
Editor's Note: I got that highly "classified" (a.k.a. bullshit) information about Obama too. And I don't mean bullshit in the sense that it's a lie. I mean bullshit in the sense that it's fucking irrelevant. All this uncorroborated "below the radar" information is very likely all lies, but even if it's all true, who gives a shit?
"Obama is a secret Muslim/Scientologist and he wants to turn your kids into some kind of organic gravy." Uh oh, you better watch it. Because he could be president, and it's not like he has to answer to the House and Senate or cut through 8 billion yards of red tape just to repaint the Oval Office. Fuck, man...you can use specious reasoning and hyperbole to "prove" anything if your audience is dumb enough.
Granted, mainstream media is bullshit, but all you conspiracy theorists need to take a step back and observe the batshit crazy nonsense you believe. Yeah, CNN and the Associated Press, with their network of thousands of journalists and Washington insiders, don't know what's up, but you and your network of other nerds in other basements are getting the straight dope. It would be pathetic and/or funny if it wasn't so funny and/or pathetic.
Wolf Blitzer is lying to you, but surely Spartan_boy_300 is using nothing but sound reasoning and facts when he tells you about the secret society running America. The government isn't scared of you and you're not smart. You're just a loser trying to convince yourself you're smart because the bullshit you know is known by fewer idiots. By the way, you didn't hear it from me, but Jesus was a gay black man and he founded the Nazi party in 1847. Just try to find a hole in that, Snopes!
Comments (0) - Add A Comment
From: PISSED OF FIREFIGHTER
THAT 9-11 SHIRT IS VERY OFFENSIVE. I DID NOT SPEND TWO WEEKS PULLING OUT DEAD BODIES FOR SOME F!@#$%^ IDIOT TO MAKE FUN OF IT. AND YOU REPLY TO THIS GUY WHO SAID SOMETHING ABOUT IT IS EVEN WORSE. HOW DO YOU KNOW HE DID NOT LOSE SOMEONE ON 9-11.
ALSO JUST SO YOU KNOW AFTER I PULLED THOSE PEOPLE FROM THE TOWERS I ENLISTED IN THE ARMY TO CATCH THE B@$$TERD WHO IS RESPONSIBLE AND I HAVE SERVED IN IRAQ 3 TIMES AND IM GOING BACK AGAIN IN ABOUT A YEAR. NEVER FORGET 9-11-2001.
Editor's Note: Never forget what? Did something happen on that day? I'm not at all familiar with it. Is it like Jesus' birthday or something? Oh wait...is that when Apple released the iPod? It's not? Well I'm just stumped.
Oh, now I remember. That was the day that one thing happened. I saw it on the news. It was all like [Zooooom, crash, BOOM, tinkle tinkle, hushed awe, overreaction, chatter chatter, "I'm going to use this as an opportunity to do everything I wanted to do when I got elected."] I forget who said that last part, but I remember what you're referring to. It was horrible.
So, wait...why do we want to remember this day? It is my understanding that you wish to put tragedy behind you. Why is it people only apply this logic to national tragedy, but not personal tragedy? No one is ever like "Hey, remember when your wife Peggy was slowly rotting away from cancer and you had to change her bedpan and wipe her ass while she suffered unspeakable pain the last few months of her life? Yeah, keep that in your head at all times."
It would be well and good to remember tragedy if we learned from it, but as Hiroshima/Nagasaki, Vietnam and all other American fuck-ups have proven, we don't learn shit. So if I want to forget about 9-11 and think about unicorns doing it while I eat ice cream, well, that's what I'm gonna do.
By the way, have you caught the bastard who is responsible yet? I never really watch the news, so I don't know who's responsible. I sure hope you find him somewhere in Iraq. I mean, it's already been over seven years. At this point I think it's safe to assume whoever did it has evaded justice. I mean, we could torture him (whoever he is) for the rest of his life and it would hardly compensate for 3,000 lives and provoking us into a multi-trillion dollar war. Sorry about that. My chip was malfunctioning for a moment. GO AMERICA!
Comments (1) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Rusty S.
I usually like the shirts you make, but what the hell is with this batch of happy shirts? Are you really that starved for ideas or are you just starting to market exclusively to emo tweens? The only place these shirts will be seen is in self portraits taken in front of bathroom mirrors to show everyone else on myspace how jaded they are. I like the shirts on this site for the most part, but trash this shit. You're better than that T-shirt hell.
Editor's Note: We're not better than that. We're not better than anything, nor have we ever claimed to be. Except the Irish, but what isn't better than those people? Do you put question marks at the end of rhetorical questions? It just doesn't feel right.
Anyway, to answer your question, yes, we are that starved for ideas. Have you seen the crap we've been putting out lately? As much as you people pretend to like them, nobody buys shirts with horribly racist or offensive things on them. And we've used up the world's supply of cock and drinking jokes for the next hundred years. So, yeah, we wanted and needed to try something different. And get ready for our new line of shirts for left-handed chinchillas. Those will be coming out next month.
By the way, a single article of clothing does not an emo make. I know, shirts with a bunch of mopey/nihilistic statements seem tailor made for brooding teenage douches, but it's really all about the rest of your ensemble. Sure, if someone has slicked over black hair, skinny fag jeans and bandages on their wrists and wears one of these shirts they're an emo. But if you wear one of these shirts with a Sherlock Holmes hat, clown shoes and no pants, no one on the planet could justifiably call you emo.
Before I go, allow me to, not necessarily defend emos, but point out that other groups aren't really any better. So the emo's way of dealing with reality is to listen to shitty music and cut him/herself. So fucking what? Is cutting yourself and wearing nothing but black really so different from a frat boy slathering himself in Abercrombie and getting drunk every night? Or a hipster wearing an ironic tee and getting stoned? No, it's all the same bullshit. Young people are all stupid, you just have to decide which subset of stupid you'd like to be. Keep buying the shirts, kids!
Comments (0) - Add A Comment
Failure is the stepping stone to success. But a trust fund is the jet-pack.