The End of October Thing
The midterm elections are on the way, so I would like to take this time to remind all of you to get out there and vote for T-Shirt Hell. It doesn't matter which office you're voting for or even which state you live in. All that matters is that since your vote is going to be wasted anyway, it may as well be wasted for the sake of a moderately funny prank.
Just put your partisan leanings and best interests aside and do what's best for no one. People don't deserve what's best for them anyway. They're all a bunch of tools. My name is Satan and I approve this message.
Dyslexic Approved strihS weN
The public demanded new shirts, and we're giving them new shirts. Actually, the public demanded pictures of Asian schoolgirls being slapped with fish, but I'm not sharing those, so you'll have to settle for these shirts.
We've got a shirt for anyone wishing to declare a jihad on some hot ass and a shirt for anyone who thinks that JRR Tolkien should've explored the world of substance abuse. We've also added a new baby shirt, so buy that and make sure you have the most fashionable mistake on the block. Check out all those and many more.
All of our new shirts are here:
Putting the 'Evil' Into Devil's Night
Halloween is right around the corner, and I, for one, could not be more indifferent. Obviously, as you grow older, Halloween is going to be less and less appealing, but it seems as if the entire nation has let this once great holiday fall by the wayside. As parents have instituted more safeguards and precautions, Halloween has become lamer with each passing year.
Aside from a few randomly placed pumpkins, some shitty horror movies on AMC and the obligatory arson story from Detroit, there is virtually no indication that Halloween is even upon us. In my youth, Halloween was marked with all manner of TV specials, parades, haunted houses, property damage, juvenile delinquency and even protests. Now it's been reduced to four kids knocking on the doors of three houses in the suburbs and idiots eating stale orange cupcakes at a depressing office party.
You may be wondering where I'm heading with all of this. Well I'll tell you. I think it's time we not only return Halloween to its glory days, but improve upon them. Not just for the sake of Halloween, but for the sake of evil in general.
The state of evil in this country is a goddamn joke. I mean, how sad is it that these emo twats have become the unofficial representatives of evil? Despite what these douchebags believe, evil gets shit done. Evil is out there stabbing people and burning down churches. Evil doesn't sit in its room and hardly break its skin with a razor while listening to My Chemical Romance. In short, apathy isn't evil.
So this Halloween, go out there and make us remember why people used to be scared of this day. And the same tired cliches aren't going to get it done. As cute as it is to throw some toilet paper over a tree, it ranks as a nuisance at best. Same goes for water balloons and shaving cream. Just leave that shit at home. If you aren't leaving your house at 2:00 a.m. with anything less than some Molotov cocktails and the contents of the dumpster from the local Planned Parenthood, you aren't doing your job as a representative of evil.
If not for the sake of evil, do it for the sake of good. Think about it. Evil has sucked for the past several years and what have the so-called "good" people resorted to? Banning gay marriage and stem-cell research. Can you really blame them for taking such stupid stances when they don't have anything worthwhile to direct their scorn at?
It's gotten so bad that I think Christmas actually trumps Halloween in the field of bad deeds. Consider this. Christmas activities include opening presents, eating a huge meal and sitting on your ass for the rest of the night. In other words - greed, gluttony and sloth. What does Halloween have going for it these days? At best it only has one of those. The excessive candy can qualify as gluttony, but it least it gives kids some physical activity. It gets them out of the house and it's not even built on materialism. So Christmas is more evil than Halloween. How fucking pathetic is that?
I would say all hope is not lost, but that's really up to all of you out there. This Halloween, I'll be visiting hospitals with my gas can and stopping by nursing homes with my crossbow, but I'm only one person. Whether or not we reclaim this day is up to all of you out there. Good luck and Devilspeed.
I Lost 10 Lbs. Last Month - Thanks, Hate!
From: Bonnie M.
Sent: Thursday, September 07, 2006 6:32 PM
Subject: YOU DISGUST ME!
My best friend's son was looking for baby t-shirts for his soon-to-be baby daughter. He accidentally fell (rhymes with HELL) upon your website. SHAME ON YOU!!!!!! This is absolutely disgusting! I am highly offended and will send an e-mail to my entire address book warning them about you.
(Editor's Note: I found one part of this email to be highly disturbing. This person has a best friend? I don't know who this so-called best friend is, but, dude, if you're out there, you can do better. Since you have a daughter on the way I'm assuming you have a lady in your life, so just say that she's your best friend. I know it's lame when someone's spouse is their best friend, but anything is better than having this ignorant sow for a best friend.
And to you, Bonnie, good job on pointing out that fell rhymes with hell. I don't know how long you racked your brain to come up with something so clever and unique, but it was well worth the effort. And I don't want to praise you too much here, but I have to applaud you on how considerate you are of your friends. You're offended by our site, and what better way to protect your friends from it than by telling them about us. It sounds like you'd make the perfect babysitter. "Kids, there's a movie on channel 17 that's loaded with violence, nudity and profanity. Whatever you do, don't watch it when I leave the room." Fuck...I'm so tired of you idiots.)
From: Domingo g.
Sent: Wednesday, September 13, 2006 4:13 PM
Subject: not cool.
You guy's need to stop judging other peoples nationalities and birthplace, because that isn't very nice. Because in the bible it states "JUDGE NOTUNLESS YOU WANT TO BE JUDGED UPON". I am shocked to see that you all are allowed to run your unpleasant website and even more surprised that people buy your crap.
(Editor's Note: First of all, jokes aren't judgment. "My Mexican works for less than your Mexican" isn't a judgment. It's a goddamn joke. Our job is to poke fun at assholes that DO pass judgment.
Second of all, it always strikes me as funny when people quote the Bible right before contradicting it. "Judge not lest ye be judged" is one of the more popular quotes from the Bible, but what is more judgmental than a Christian? Saying people are going to hell for giving blow jobs or doing drugs? No, nothing judgmental about that.
There's an example right in this dick's email. First, he wrongly suggests that our jokes are judgment and then he, in so many words, says we shouldn't be allowed to run our business and that there's something wrong with our customers. Talk about the stupid fucking asshole calling the kettle black.)
From: Taisha*** @ ***.com
Sent: Wednesday, September 13, 2006 2:43 PM
Well I guess this is a racist company then.
(Editor's Note: For once, one of our complaints actually has some merit. You see, last week I gave Taisha here a phone call and called her a nigger. It was awkward when I found out she was Mexican, but still, I was out of line. So my apologies to you, Taisha.
However, I would like to correct your statement. The entire company isn't racist. Just the people that run it. I'm sure there are people in shipping or on the technical staff that embrace all nationalities, so it's wrong of you to assume that the entire company is racist just because the people in charge are. I think you owe Ping Li, Kim Yu, Yao Po and everyone else that works in our factory an apology. We don't allow them to read mail, so they'll never get your apology, but it would still be a nice gesture.)
From: Sam G.
Sent: Saturday, September 16, 2006 1:32 PM
Subject: White Flour
Dear T-Shirt Hell,
I am writing to tell you that while I love your website, I think your "White Flour" tshirt is simply way over the line. I can understand misogyny, and midget comedy, and other blatantly offensive material, but promoting the nazis is completely unacceptable. The kind of person that would wear that shirt is, I hope, not someone you would want as a customer. That would be like flouting the current genocide in Darfur, and I don't like to think that you guys are okay with that sort of thing.
I think you should take that shirt down and never offer something like it again. It is insulting to the memories of millions of people who died destroying that regime.
(Editor's Note: Dear Sam, I think YOU are insulting to the memories of millions of people who died destroying that regime. Our soldiers went over there to destroy an oppressive force. Do you think they'd want to prevent people from selling funny shirts and support assholes that can force people to stop selling stuff they didn't like? If you had been president during WWII, you probably would've had our guys burning copies of Mein Kampf instead of killing Nazis.
How is it people like you think you can't portray a subject without promoting it? Do you really think a shirt that portrays the goddamn Pillsbury Doughboy as a Nazi is going to boost their recruitment numbers? When you see gangs of people wearing this shirt rounding up all the Jews in New York I will gladly apologize, but seeing as how a t-shirt never inspired a genocide, I think you'll be waiting a while. Until then, eat my bloody tampon.
Pssst...he doesn't understand what a joke is. Nobody tell him he doesn't actually have to eat my tampon.)
You Know This Is the End Because Julia Roberts Got the Guy
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Which is why I will never grow fond of being raped.